


Parabellum

by thebitchofdathomir



Category: John Wick (Movies), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Actually all my fics are like this, Asthma, Deaf child, Even chapters are the flashbacks, F/M, Flashbacks, Gonna say it’s stressful, Good ass parents, Hospitalization, I Made Myself Cry, I think I have a crush on mom!Rey, I would die for the Solo children, I've read a few other John Wick AUs, It's a John Wick AU so...violence, Kidnapping, Love, Odd chapters are current timeline, Omg I started another one, Protective Reylo, Revenge, THE GOODEST, We have the many moods of Ben, Whelp, alternate title: How Many Times Can I Make Ben Cry?, and boy I'd sure like a crack at her, and tragedy, angry/protective dad!Ben has John Wick dog dad energy, author notes are for crack purposes...correct?, but I can't say the same for feels, but Reylo are the real cinnamon rolls, but it’s gonna work out, but ultimately, but you’re gonna hate me, devoted and soft parental Reylo, guess I just like to torture everybody, hopefully that's not confusing, i love them, mild smut in the flashbacks, no dogs are harmed in the making of this fic, so here we go, sorry in advance, that can also kill you, trained killers turned caring parents that bring things to the school bake sale, ummm - Freeform, which is the whole reason I started writing this, ya very intense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:55:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 32
Words: 211,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26524819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebitchofdathomir/pseuds/thebitchofdathomir
Summary: Ben and Rey Solo have been together for thirteen years. They have three beautiful children. An amazing home. To anyone that meets them, they are nothing but a kind and loving family in the community.But it took a lot to get where they are. Their love was nurtured in quiet moments between international battles of violence and the feared whispers of their previous names. There is a whole side to them their children have never seen and hopefully would never have to. They took precautions.But sometimes, the past crashes back in anyway. Sometimes you don't have a choice.No matter the stakes, Ben and Rey protect their children.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso, Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 433
Kudos: 242





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, well, clearly this year, my way of coping has been to start oodles of Reylo AUs because canon is dumb, reality blows, and school is hard. This shit makes me happy so might as well stick to it in these trying times. 
> 
> So, total shocker that I've decided to start another one. It's a John Wick AU but I would say that the 'AU' emphasis is strong so no, I'm not gonna kill dogs. Can't do that. Not even in pretend. My dogs would know and never forgive me. But strictly speaking, there will be some tragic and intense moments here that I find interesting enough to write and share so...now we're getting this and I have no regrets. 
> 
> There are already some really cool John Wick/assassin Reylo fics out there that are totally amazing and I guess it made me realize how much I'd like a crack at it. But since I'm trash for Reylo babies I had to find a way to mix it all in so we also get lots of domestic softness.  
>   
> So...yeah...welcome to it. This is apparently how I spend my free time.

Ben propped his phone up on a log and set the timer. “Okay, ready?” he rushes back in the sand to where his family was waiting for him. “Ten seconds everybody.”

Quickly, Rey moves against his side. Lydia and Theo stand next to her while he picks up Mae and holds her close. All of them have big smiles on their faces as they wait for the phone to make the distinctive shutter noise. 

They were driving back from visiting Lando for the day. The last surviving member of who Ben considers family. It was nice to see him. The kids loved him. But he was definitely getting slower than he used to be. But always suave. _Always a flirt._

But they were trying to avoid traffic on the way back so they took a detour. When they all started to get rowdy, they pulled aside at the beach and stretched their legs a bit. It was definitely far from a regular beach day as it was cloudy and windy but after they ran around a bit, it warmed them up enough. All of them had taken their shoes off and dug their toes in the sand, rolling up their pants. 

“I think it’s been longer than ten seconds,” Lydia says through her teeth, trying to keep the grin on her face. 

“I don't think I did it right,” Ben admits. His confidence with technology wasn’t always the best. 

“Let me reset it,” Theo says, jogging forward and laughing. “Dad, you put it on video, not the timer.”

Ben sighs, leaning closer to Rey. “I told you, my thumbs are too big for that phone.”

“Blame the thumbs,” Rey says under her breath. 

“You say something, sweetheart?” he coaxes. 

Rey plays along. “Personally, I think it’s your eyes. They’re getting old.”

He feigns offense, holding a hand to his chest, and Mae giggles at his antics as he lowers her back to the sand. “Your mommy is so mean to me.”

“I am not,” Rey laughs. “I’m merely stating the facts. You’re getting older. Maybe not wiser, but definitely cuter,” she says, tucking his hair behind his ear. 

Lydia groans. “Come on, Maeby,” she says, leaning over so her sister could hop on her back. “Let’s go play until they stop being gross.”

Ben laughs, pulling Rey closer, “Well, if I knew that this is what getting older was like, maybe I would have done it a lot sooner.”

“To me, you were always an old man,” she reminds him with a smirk before rising up to kiss the scar that bisected his face. He tries to pull her back when she pulls away but she calls out to the kids. “Okay, let’s try it one more time, and then we have to head home.”

Lydia races back over with Mae on her back. The little purple dog Mae carries brings everywhere was tucked safely in the front of Lydia’s overalls. 

“Okay, I’m gonna set the timer for five seconds,” Theo announces before quickly running back to them and sliding next to Rey.

Ben smiles in the few seconds that they are still, less for the camera and more for the fact that he was just content with his family. 

He spent the first thirty years of his life thinking he wasn’t good enough for a family. That he wasn’t good enough to be loved. But now, after years of being surrounded by such a perfect family, he thinks he has no choice but to spend the rest of his life trying to deserve them because they were all that mattered to him. 

Ben Solo would do anything for his family. 

* * *

To anyone looking from the outside, the Solo’s were more or less a normal family. Loving, kind, and busy.

There was Lydia Solo. The eldest of the Solo children. She had big, beautiful brown eyes as dark as her father’s and hair a color that was somewhere between the shade of her parents. Darker than Rey’s but just slightly lighter than Ben’s. And she actually styled it similarly to Ben's. Just above her shoulders. Her facial features, however, at times, reminded Ben of his late mother. Especially when Lando shows them pictures of younger Leia. 

She was twelve years old. She was caring for her siblings and her friends. She did great in school. Particularly science. She got first place in the sixth-grade science fair last year and her father had almost cried, he was so proud. 

Theodore Solo, the middle child, and only boy was ten years old. He had his mother’s eyes. His hair was more like Rey’s coloring but it definitely had a mind of its own. He usually worked it to his advantage since he also had his father’s ears.

But his ears kept busy. He loved music and learning various instruments but he was particular who he played in front of. He was a bit of a perfectionist. But he was a natural at it. It was usually just his family or other students in his music classes that heard him play.

He never goes anywhere without his inhaler but he didn’t let it slow him down. 

And then there was Mae Solo. The youngest at five years old. She was gentle and sweet, but shy and still very nervous around people she didn’t know. She had the darkest head of hair out of all the children. Distinctly the same as Ben’s, and his dark eyes to match. An adorable scattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose and undoubtedly she had Rey’s smile. 

Rey’s pregnancy with her had been as normal as her other two, and the labor had gone as smooth as it could have been so they had no reason to think anything was wrong when they first saw her. She was beautiful and Ben cried as he always did when he saw their children for the first time. 

But before they left the hospital, Jyn, their long time doctor, told them that Mae hadn’t passed the newborn hearing screening. Upon further inspection, they found that Mae was almost completely deaf in both ears. 

It was devastating at first and disheartening to think she would never hear their voices. That she may never even hear her own name. But Jyn and Cassian told them that science and healthcare technology was really promising.

But really, as devastating as it was at first, and how different it seemed to have a baby that couldn’t hear them, they loved her so much. They had so much hope in her and she was so strong. 

They all learned sign language with her and in a way, it helped bring them even closer together. Her siblings loved to find ways to communicate with her. It was the most rewarding thing when she would seem to connect all the dots and smile at them. 

And then they finally found one that worked. When she was fourteen months old, she got the cochlear implant, and she could finally hear them. It was so incredible. She could hear them for the first time and it was very emotional for all of them. 

Although she could hear them and finally hear herself, she still almost always chose to sign. She could speak very well but she was very self-conscious about it. She didn’t really like the way she sounded and Jyn said that was normal. But she was very smart, loved to read, and to color. The little girl made them all tons of drawings. There was hardly a wall in the large house that didn’t feature one of her originals.

And despite her shyness, she had made a very nice group of friends with other children at her school. She went to a regular school but there were a few other deaf children there that had similar experiences to Mae. That made her a little more comfortable.

Her favorite place to be was home. Theo loved to show her all the different sounds that could be made with the synthesizer. Lydia always gave her piggyback rides and kept a close eye on her when she let her help with her school projects. Mae always woke up at the same time as her father and went downstairs with him to make chocolate milk while he made coffee. Sometimes they would sneak out and get donuts for everyone. 

And Mae adored her mother. Every morning, Rey would help her put her hair into the two little buns that she liked so much. She always made Mae laugh. 

Those were the three Solo children. They were kind and bright and so very loved by their parents. Their parents, to everyone else, were a little intense and not near as social as the other parents. They told everyone they were editors for a publishing company so they worked from home. They were very stylish. They could be seen in a few other dark and elegant looking cars but most of the time, they drove around in a 1977 Falcon. Lots of black was utilized in their wardrobe which made them look a little intimidating when they walked through the halls of their children’s schools. 

But perhaps it was the odd scar that donned Ben Solo’s face that added to that intimidation. The story was that he had been in a car accident before Lydia was born but none of the Solo children found it frightening. In fact, Mae still likes to trace it with her fingers and ask him if it hurts, but not afraid of it in the slightest. It made an appearance in all the portraits she made for the family and Ben’s fondness for it increased further.

So really, the Solo family was fairly normal to anyone that was looking in. Even if the PTA had secretly nicknamed the Solo adults as ‘Gomez and Morticia’, no one denied that they were loving parents and their children were absolutely wonderful. 

And that was true, no matter how you looked at them. But perhaps, a closer look at this family revealed more about them then publicly perceived. 

Technically Ben and Rey were editors for a publisher but that wasn’t exactly how they made their living or how they managed to afford the impressive house they had. Their current jobs were more just to keep busy and give them an excuse to stay home with the kids. 

Almost all of their money (millions upon millions of dollars) had been earned from their previous professions which were never discussed much.

They were extremely protective of their children and wanted to ensure they knew how to protect themselves so they made a habit of teaching them what they could. 

Lydia and Theo were both very advanced in various forms of martial arts. Lydia was very good with a bo staff which was very amusing to Rey. Theo had yet to best his sister in that but his forms were strong and when Ben and Rey would spar with him, his strength was promising. 

And Mae...Mae was practicing cartwheels and liked to watch more than anything but she was just learning the small stuff for now and she looked so adorable doing it. Rey was actually teaching her some ballet as she seemed more interested in that than anything else. Rey always claims she’s out of practice and that she was messing up the steps but she was very graceful and Ben liked to watch as his wife recalled a type of training he never had, and how she gently shows their daughter how to twirl and which positions to follow. 

And it makes him laugh because Theo always winces when she goes on her toes in her pointe shoes.

But the Solo children’s favorite part of their ‘exercise’ was watching their parents spar. They were fast, impossibly so. It’s almost as if they predicted each other’s movements but they had to move quickly to attempt to hide their intentions. The kids always cheered for whoever the winner was and there was a whiteboard of forever increasing numbers of who between them had won the most matches. They were almost always tied (although right now, Rey was smug because she was ahead by seven). 

When their children first asked where they learned these skills, their parents shared a look before telling them they used to be bodyguards and they were trained very thoroughly to be so. That’s how they met and how they fell in love. 

Maybe that could explain how they knew so many languages. As well as the scatterings of scars all over their bodies. 

But that doesn’t explain the tattoos on their father’s back and arms that he tried to keep covered at all times. Especially in public and why he wore long sleeves or jackets, even on the hot summer days. Or the odd markings at the base of their mother’s neck that they sometimes saw their father press soft kisses to when he thought no one was looking. 

And it didn’t quite explain the panic in their parents’ eyes when they lose sight of them for more than a moment when they are in public. More so than the other parents, it seemed. 

Or how sometimes, when they visit the city, they avoid certain streets. Taking the long way for seemingly no reason.

Or how every month they tell the children the new passcode to the safe room that they are to go to in case something were to happen. 

Or how they made them memorize their phone numbers, Jyn and Cassian’s phone numbers, and Uncle Lando’s. 

For the most part, the children didn’t question it as it seemed normal to them. That’s how their parents were. They wanted to keep them safe and that seemed to be what parents do.

But there was one time when Rey was pregnant with Mae and her appointment ran long and they got stuck in traffic and she and Ben were late picking up Lydia and Theo. Rey held them close with tears in her eyes, apologizing and telling them that no matter what, they would always come for them. All because they were an hour late picking them up. 

Lydia recalls it better than Theo but they had shared a look with each other at the time, confused as their father tried to assure Rey that they were fine. Their father told Lydia later that her mother was just a little emotional because she was pregnant but Lydia could see her father’s eyes had been watery too. Like he had been worried they wouldn’t be there at the school still. 

As loving as they were, there were still mysteries about Ben and Rey Solo that their children were not aware of. Secrets that Ben and Rey weren’t sure they would ever be ready to share. Secrets that could change how their children look at them. 

Because there was a time before they were called mom and dad, that they went by other names. Names that still made some people, all over the planet, shudder just at the thought of them. 

_The Dyad._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just the prologue to kind of test the waters. The next chapter will be a flashback and from what I'm planning that will be the pattern for this story. I put it in the tags but the odd chapters are meant to be like present times and the evens will be flashbacks. I kind of like the idea of having a story that alternates between past and present. I wanted to try it out.
> 
> References for your brain.
> 
> Lydia  
>   
> (millie bobby brown but 12 with Godzilla era hair)
> 
> Theodore  
>   
> (noah jupe but 10)
> 
> Mae  
>   
> (honestly just a kid I found on Pinterest that isn't exactly how I imagine Mae but I got tired of looking but lol, here she is. Just pretend she has more freckles and that she doesn't wear tiger ears)


	2. Partners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About thirteen years ago.  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING:  
> Mentions of/Implied branding on skin.
> 
> This is the first look at our flashback chapters where "Kylo Ren" meets his new partner. omg, who could it be. 
> 
> Lmao spoiler alert it's this babe:  
> 

Kylo waited on the stiff couch that was crafted probably a century ago but fit in with the rest of Snoke’s aesthetic. Cold, expensive, and meant to make you feel small. 

And it was strange, a man his size always seemed to feel small in this place. 

His boss was strict, unforgiving, and above all, a businessman. Unless you were efficient in every sense of the word, you became obsolete and disposable. That’s why the _Praetorians_ , as everyone calls them, were kept close to him. To keep all those who came to see him on their toes should they start to feel too comfortable. They should always be reminded that in an instant you could be dead. Because the First Order owned you. This is what you signed up for.

You were supposed to feel honored as it would be your life’s greatest achievement. That’s why they permanently ink it into your skin. All their emblems and symbols of power. A reminder that you cannot leave this life. The only way out was through death, be it through the jobs themselves or in Snoke’s ‘throne room’ as Kylo had come to think of it. 

The door opens and Hux steps out, dabbing his bloody nose with a handkerchief. Kylo hides his amusement as well as he can as the redhead rushes for the elevator, failing to hide his own humiliation.

One of the Praetorian’s calls to him from the door. “He’ll see you now.”

Kylo stands up, buttoning his jacket and clearing his throat as he moves forward. 

He doesn’t really know why Snoke had called him in. Usually, he got all his jobs from the listings he checked daily. The ones the First Order wanted to be eliminated were already highlighted for him. Even after years of this job, there was no shortage of people in this world that seemed to require extermination. 

But Kylo has fallen into a reliable routine for himself. Staying focused and detached from what he has lost the ability to control. So he focused on the only thing he was good at. 

And Snoke knew that too. He hardly sees him these days as he had become the most accomplished hitman in the business. Possibly the world.

And yet seeing Snoke still made him nervous. Kylo is still not sure if or when the day will come that Snoke will find him obsolete and discard him too.

He steps inside, keeping his eyes down as he makes his way to the center of the room. 

“Kylo Ren,” Snoke greets from his desk, looking out the window behind him instead of him. “So nice of you to stop by.”

“Of course, sir,” Kylo responds, trying to sound steady. 

“Your schedule has been rather hectic lately. But you always deliver. I heard you closed the deal on Dryden just last night. Very intricate work. I trust you collected your fee for that already?” Snoke asks him, finally turning around. 

“Four million. I collected it this morning,” Kylo confirms. Dameron had been there, pretending to be pissed because he wanted first dibs on Dryden but Kylo just shrugged with a smirk. As loathsome as he found Poe Dameron to be, Kylo found a lot of enjoyment in beating him to contracts. He didn't work for the First Order so he missed out on a lot of the priority cases that were very high dollar.

But they weren't friends. Aquaintances at best. But never friends. Kylo didn't have any friends.

Snoke chuckles. “Ahh, four million. And to think Dryden thought himself so significant. He went out on pocket change.”

Kylo doesn’t dare say anything. He can’t read yet if Snoke was actually pleased or if he was mocking him and was actually pissed. 

“Of course, I imagine you’ve got funds high enough by now where you don’t really pay much attention to the price tag.”

“I’ve got more than I ever need, sir.” 

That felt like a lie. Even if he was one of the richest bastards he knew, Kylo finds there’s quite a lot about his life that remains empty. But he’s also stopped feeling a long time ago. The numbness was familiar. And yet still his words to Snoke felt like a lie. 

“Indeed,” Snoke says, sitting down and motioning to the chair before his desk. The invitation to sit down. Kylo steps forward, noticing how the guards watch him as he goes. The hairs on the back of his neck stand up, his body’s usual signal for ‘ _Time to get the fuck out of there!’_

“I know it’s been a while since I’ve seen you and I’d like to thank you for your continued devotion to this organization. You excel at a standard some of your fellow employees seem to find difficult to replicate. I admire that.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“And I know you tend to have your own way of doing things. You’ve gotten very comfortable in the jobs you’ve been doing for me.”  
  
Kylo isn’t sure _comfortable_ was the word for it but he nods anyway. 

“Which is why I needed to give you this assignment face to face.”

“Assignment?”

“Yes...assignment,” Snoke affirms, reaching for his glass of whiskey. The man drank all day and Kylo didn’t know how his liver hadn’t given out by now but he supposes that, at this point, Snoke wasn’t exactly human. 

More like an animal in a designer suit. 

“You’ve been here for years now. You’ve proved your competence to me long ago, even if it took you a while to get there. However, the truth is that I’ve got plenty of hitmen that need to make a living and need to perfect their skills and there are other areas of your profession that you’re lacking in.”

Kylo tries to keep his brow from furrowing at his words. _Lacking? What did that mean?_

“So, I’ve devised something a little different that I believe you are the prime candidate to execute.”

Kylo swallows, trying to sound and appear neutral. “I’m not sure I follow you, sir.”

“You are well aware of the influence that the First Order has on this city. The ties I have with the people in our society...as well as the awareness of the few remaining tumors of our enemies that linger and the long-lasting gossip that, eventually, someone may attempt to assassinate me.”

Kylo nods.

“Naturally, if anything starts to stink, I hear about it,” he says, taking another sip of his drink. Snoke had a horrible habit of drawing out what he needed to say as long as he could, keeping everyone on their toes. “So, perhaps I wasn’t too surprised when I got a call from Talzin the other day.”

_Olga Talzin._

She was the Director at Dathomir Academy. The birthplace of the Nightsisters where many alumni have done well in the ranks of the First Order. Although very few graduate as it was a very rigorous school where only the grittiest persevere and the true monsters are bred. Talzin called herself Director but to the new recruits, she is Mother Talzin as all her students she takes in are orphans that she weans through to try and find potential. If you don’t cut it or you fall behind, you aren’t missed. Like so many of the First Order’s affiliations, you would be discarded. 

Out of all the training academies in this city, Dathomir was the toughest, they said. Kylo was inclined to believe it, even if he had trained at Luke’s Academy and thought that was pretty close to hell already. 

But about nine years at the First Order tended to change his perception of such a place should it exist. Because by the looks of it, Kylo must be there already. 

“Among her ranks is a very bright pupil. Top of the class and nearly ready to graduate as her training has reached its end. Talzin told me over a year ago that she would be a most impressive addition to the First Order. I’ve been making arrangements to take her on once she was finished with her training.”

Kylo really wasn’t sure where this was going.

“But Olga called me again several days ago. Says they have grown suspicious of this girl’s true alliances and aspirations. She doesn’t fraternize with the other students much. She hardly ever goes out, and when she does, she’s very secretive about where she goes. But supposedly, one of her classmates followed her to the Castle.”

The Castle was a hotel in the heart of the city that was an acclaimed neutral zone where no business was permitted to take place. Or at least, no fighting or killing related business. A rule enforced very seriously by its owner, Maz Kanata. 

“Although this student was unable to see who she was meeting with, she suspects it was someone offering her a side job. A third party contract with... _Old Republic ideals,_ as we know Kanata is favorable to. This might imply that if she took it, she plans to join our ranks, prove her skill and talent in an attempt to impress me. To get as close as she can and convey what she learns to someone who is interested. And even if she didn’t accept, this still implies that she’s on multiple radars. She has tremendous potential from what I understand.”

“I see,” Kylo breathes out.

“For years, I’ve speculated that those we have broken down must be trying to find a way to get to me. As if that would solve all their problems,” Snoke laughs at the absurdity of it. “And if what they say is true, I believe whoever is reaching out to this girl expects her to succeed. I think she plans to get just close enough to kill me. Which must be very telling of her talents. It’s been on multiple agendas for years, I know it’s been coming. Still, I was hoping they would give me more honor than going out through a novice. Not even out of school yet and she’s already got the biggest job one could take on in our line of work.”

“I agree, that sounds plausible,” Kylo says.

“Which leads us to your assignment.”

 _He wants me to kill her,_ Kylo predicts. 

“You are to take her on as your partner.”

_What the fuck did he just say?_

“Excuse me?” Kylo breathes out, thinking he had misheard him. The words slapping him across the face. 

“We are to remain unaware of the ruse or whatever it is she’s playing at. And the way I see it, you can feed her false information that she will trail back to whoever has contracted this–”

Kylo is already shaking his head, his fists clenching tightly in refusal. He wouldn’t do it.

Snoke ignores this. “And when she thinks her plan is successful and that she finally has the chance to kill me, you will kill her. And then we will dispose of her employer.”

“Sir, I understand, but I work alone and even if I didn’t, this requires skills I don’t really specialize in.”

“Are you referring to seducing women in general?” Snoke laughs, raising his glass to some of the guards, encouraging them to laugh with him.

 _I would have to seduce her?_ Kylo’s mind shouts and he can feel the blood drain from his face and it must be obvious to Snoke because he smirks. 

Kylo tries to blow past that for now to clarify his initial point. “I meant working undercover, sir. I’m not trained for that kind of field. I’m not sure I would be the most convincing in assuring our intentions are withheld.”

“You would jeopardize my safety?” Snoke asks accusingly.

“No, sir, of course not. I just–”

“Just what? Go on and make an excuse. But let me remind you that this is an assignment like all the others and you will treat it the same way. You will efficiently handle it in an effective and timely manner and when it is complete you will be compensated.”

Kylo’s heart is beating quickly, feeling panicked at the premise of such a task. Does he even care about money? No. But he preferred money to denying Snoke. To turn Snoke down was...well, you just give the man what he asks for. That’s the way it works. If he has to ask twice he gets angry. He’s seen others lose fingers in Snoke’s office over scheduling conflicts.

So Ben didn’t dare refuse him.

“This job is simple if you think about it. Technically, your schedule remains the same. You just bring her along, get to know her. Make her feel like she can trust you, _whatever that may entail._ Even if you have to pretend to agree with her for the sake of extracting information from her. Get her to confess the truth of her intentions or the name of this supposed employer and when we have our answers, you will bring her here and we will eliminate her and whoever else involved with this plot.”

Snoke made it all sound so easy. Like it was simple to alter the one thing he was good at. Being alone. But it’s not like he has a choice. He can’t decline. 

“And if she’s not guilty?” he asks hesitantly.

Snoke laughs. “Then you have a new partner that you can do with as you choose.”

_Fucking fuck fuck fuck._

“I understand, sir.”

“Very good. Consider it effective immediately. This is your primary assignment for the foreseeable future. When you’re done we can discuss your fee. I assure you, you will be compensated handsomely.”

“When is she finished at Talzin’s?” Kylo asks. 

“Technically...whenever you pick her up.”

“What?” Kylo says a little too loudly. 

“I told Talzin that I would send my finest man to meet her at the school.”

“Doesn’t she graduate or something?” Hadn’t Snoke said that just several minutes ago?

“Well, graduation is a little different there,” Snoke chuckles again, sounding devious. “I’m sure you’ll get to witness it for yourself. But why don’t you get a move on? Your usual schedule of contracts will still be in place so I suggest you adjust quickly.”

Kylo knows that’s his cue to leave whether or not he wished to stay and find a way out of this. Because the truth is, Kylo knew there was no way out. He had to do this. 

“What’s her name?”

* * *

_Kira Niima._

Kylo repeated it in his mind the entire time he made his way to Talzin’s Academy. 

He was furious. He’s never had a partner. He’s never had to drag more complicated principles into his work. 

A majority of his work involved point and shoot and disappear. The rest of it, when it got messy entailed more hands-on methods of various fighting styles he has perfected over the years and being able to take a hit and stay on your feet and not mind the scar that got left behind. 

And now he was...babysitting, it seemed. 

He tried not to get too overworked, even if he knows he’s been muttering to himself because several people have given him odd glances once he got out of his car. 

He arrives at the building with the emblem of _Dathomir’s Academy for the Young and Talented_ on an old iron sign and scoffing slightly at how they managed to make it sound like it was an Art Center for kids. If the people that walked by had any idea what this place really was, he doubts they would stroll past it so casually. 

But he knows exactly what it is as he opens the door and is instantly faced with the stoic face of a man who is as tall as he is but has at least an extra hundred pounds on him as well as a thick and slightly graying beard. “This is closed rehearsal,” he says with a thick Russian accent. “If you need to piss, there is public library down the street.”

Kylo wonders for a moment if he says this to everyone that walks in “I’m here to speak with Director Talzin,” he tells him.

“Name?”

“Kylo Ren,” he answers gruffly. Irritated further.

The man’s eyes bulge ever so slightly before he clears his throat and eases his stance slightly. Although this man hadn’t recognized his face, his name seemed to do the trick. “I see. Apologies Mr. Ren. Unfortunately, you have to check all your weapons here. Nothing gets through the doors.”

Kylo huffs. Pulling out his gun and setting it on the table, as well as the three knives he kept on him at all times. He thinks that will be all to get through but then the guard gives him a strained face. 

“That too, sir,” he says, pointing to his waist. Kylo rolls his eyes, realizing he meant his belt. He unbuckles it and lays it on the table and the man finally approves. “Right this way,” he says, opening the second doorway and showing him inside. 

“All my shit better still be there when I leave.”

“I promise, sir,” the man swear before guiding him up one of the staircases.

Kylo has never been in this building but he sees instantly that it must have been some old type of theater as it had old and almost garish carpet and light fixtures among the gaudy but dated looking designs. The place was crumbling, even more so as the music from further inside seemed to swell and make the chandeliers tremble slightly. 

The guard opens the doors and reveals the actual theater. “The Director is at the table in the front rows. You can speak to her there, sir.”

Kylo doesn’t respond. He wasn’t one for pleasantries. 

He steps forward, watching as several young girls on the stage were dancing a ballet, their motions choreographed to the music that echoed through the massive room. Their movements were sharp and calculated but somehow still graceful. 

There is one girl in the center, her face drowned in shadows because of the dramatic lighting but she twirls endlessly.

It makes him dizzy just watching.

So his eyes travel further, focused on the rows of seats until he sees an older woman clad in a collection of deep red watching the dancers with a critical eye. Kylo has never met her, but she looks exactly what he expected her to look like. “Director Talzin,” he greets, his voice low and bitter from the way his day has gone. 

Immediately, she claps her hands, ordering for the music to stop in Russian. The dancers freeze, awaiting further instruction, or perhaps criticism.

But Talzin doesn’t seem to regard them at all. She finishes writing something in her notebook before finally speaking in English, “So, Kylo Ren...nearly ten years in your position and they still have you coming to collect new recruits yourself.”

“Snoke told me I was here to collect a partner,” he says tersely. 

“Oh, well try to hide your excitement,” she says sarcastically. Although with her accent, almost everything sounded sarcastic. 

“With all due respect, there are other things I have to do today,” he lies, more interested in just getting this over with so he could go back home and punch something. 

“And you think I don’t?” she gestures to the stage in front of her. “You’re the one interrupting me.”

Kylo doesn’t say anything to that, silently asking her not to challenge him. He wasn’t in the mood. The one dependent he had in his life, _his solitude,_ had just been taken from him and he was pissed.

Talzin sighs, muttering something in Russian that Ben pieces together to be, _Insolent bastard._ He ignores it, thinking he’s been called much worse over the years. That was nothing. She claps again before her voice booms through the auditorium, nearly making him jolt. “Niima!”

The dancers all look to the girl in the center, the girl who was twirling when he came in. 

_That must be her,_ Kylo thinks. He can still hardly make out her features as the stage lights washed her out a bit. 

_“Yavit’sya k moyemu stolu!”_ Talzin shouts to her. “Now!”

Instantly, the girl rushes forward, jumping off the stage gracefully as she comes to stand in front of the table. 

“Yes, Madam?”

Kylo gets a clear look at her now. Her hair was up in a bun. It was messy from her dancing and stray hairs framed her face. Her body was thin but looked strong. Kylo’s eyes begin to wander, looking at her in the white leotard, the short flowy skirt she was wearing. The slight sheen of sweat on her body more noticeable the closer she was. As were the distinct peaks of her nipples.

Kylo quickly looks away.

“Niima, you look like a tramp,” Olga tells her. 

“I’m wearing what everyone else is wearing, Madam Director,” the girl says, motioning back to the other dancers who had the same thing on, probably trying to ignore what she couldn’t control.

“Just because your tits are small doesn’t mean you try to get as most attention to them as possible.”

Kylo thinks he should just wait outside. He didn’t need to be here for this. The girl looks irritated with the comment but seems to brush past it as she’s probably used to hearing such things. At least she'll be well-weathered to handle Snoke's regular insults.

“Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, Madam Director. I’ll take precautions next time,” she says with a calm and steady voice. Her accent is distinctly British.

“Well, by the looks of it there will be no next time. This is Kylo Ren,” Olga says, motioning to him with a wrinkled but heavily jeweled hand. At the mention of his name, the girl’s face remains fairly neutral but there’s a slight change in her stance that reveals she is familiar with his reputation. And she looks defensive suddenly like she’s not sure what his presence means. As if she thinks he was there to kill her because of the problem they had just discussed. 

“He comes from the First Order of which your employment has been accepted. Kylo is to be your partner.”

“Partner?” The girl asks, her eyebrows twitching slightly. 

The Director slams her hand on the table and it echoes through the room. “Do you dare sound ungrateful? After all I went through to arrange this for you! To get you where I believed you will work well, and you critique it?”

The girl kneels before the table, bowing her head as if in repentance. As if that is expected of her. “Apologies Madam Talzin. I was just confused. I did not think Kylo Ren worked with partners,” she says, her eyes wandering close to where he stands but not looking at him directly. 

“He doesn’t,” the Director snaps at her. “He doesn’t take partners and he’s a very busy and accomplished man. That should tell you what an honor it is. You should be grateful.”

Talzin talks about him like he's not even standing there. But he doesn't care. At this point he's used to being invisible.

“I am, Madam. Thank you,” the girl says. 

“Very well. Now go. Pack your things. It’s time you left this place, _malyshka_ Kira. And remember to report to my office when you are finished. Don’t forget you have to pick up your _svidetel’stvo,_ ” the old woman practically cackles and Kylo can almost make out the goosebumps that spread all over the girl’s skin. 

Unless his Russian was rustier than he thought, all she said was _diploma._

“Yes, Madam,” Kira says, her voice not as steady as it was before. But she rises then, moving to leave. As she does she passes him and their eyes meet. Kylo’s heartbeat picks up for some reason. There’s something about her that makes him nervous, he notes. She makes him feel strange but he’s not sure if it’s suspicion or something else. It felt odd. He thinks perhaps he was feeling pity for her after seeing how her headmaster speaks to her. 

Or it could be just overall disapproval of her since she’s the reason he’s here in the first place.

She walks away, through a door in the side of the theater. He stares after her but then Talzin claps again, trying to get the remaining dancers’ attention. 

“Find a dancer to replace Kira. Ventress will be observing the rest of this session. I recommend you all try a little harder. What you were giving me was _nebrezhnyy_. I don’t accept _sloppy._ ”

The girls nod their heads and Talzin moves to stand, walking past him to the door where Kira had just disappeared through. Kylo follows her, surprised at how quickly she moved for an older woman. 

They walk into a large hallway that looks more like a hotel but fits the aesthetics of the theater he had entered. Old but similarly clad in color and fabrics that Talzin was wearing. Layers of fabrics and jewelry reflecting the heavy velvet curtains and a multitude of candelabras. 

She isn’t one for small talk which Kylo was grateful for so the silence prolongs as they ascend a staircase and she guides him into a room that he figures must be her office. 

It actually reminds him a little of Snoke’s but the ceilings are shorter and at the end of the room is a massive fireplace where Snoke’s desk would technically be. 

That and there was an unsettling amount of taxidermy foxes on the shelves.

She steps over to the large table that was in the middle of the room. There is no technology in sight. No computer or screens. Even the lamps looked gas powered. Like this woman was living in a different era. He’s not sure there’s even outlets in here. 

“Sit down,” she demands, gesturing to the spot across from the one he had just occupied. Kylo doesn’t argue, assuming that the sooner he complies with this woman’s odd regulations the sooner he was out of there.

“I assume your Master already told you about our suspicions.”

Kylo stiffens at the word _Master_. He didn’t like Snoke being referred to as such but he nods anyway. “Yes, he did.”

Talzin shakes her head. “I’m not sure what to make of it. I was tough on her, more than most. Only because I saw her potential. I knew it would make her the strongest pupil this school has ever seen. Stronger than Ventress. The other students saw it in her too...including Phasma, the student that followed her that day and reported the possible infraction.”

Kylo’s brain quickly comes to the conclusion. This was possibly nothing more a matter of jealously than anything else.

But that wasn’t Kylo’s assignment. His focus was to rely on acting like this girl’s partner until she had expired her usefulness. Then it was no different than any other job he does. Kylo wished he could just fast forward to that part of this and avoid all the semantics. 

“But I admit something sparks in her that I have not seen in any other student. Something dangerous.”

“And what is that?” Kylo asks.

“She is...hopeful. Despite all her training, I can see she still harbors too much sentiment, especially when it comes to her origins. For years she has insisted that she was not abandoned. That her parents merely lost her for a moment and that she had to find them because she thinks they were looking for her. They wouldn’t be able to find her under her new name and at this school. And no matter how many times I tell her that she was abandoned, unwanted, she still wants to believe she has a family somewhere. Even if I wasn’t suspicious of her intentions, I think she would do well with a partner anyway. This is the first time she’ll be going out in the world since I took her in. I have no doubt she would try to track them down instead of utilizing her skills to their potential. It would prove to be a waste of my time. So I urge you to keep her in line. And if she remains loyal in our cause, then make your Master see that. There’s no need to waste her prematurely.”

Despite the Director’s aggressive nature with the girl, clearly, she wanted her to do well. Kylo just wished this wasn’t a mess he had to deal with. “I’m just doing what Snoke asked me to do. If she proves herself useful and non-threatening to the First Order then I will relay that to him.”

“Very well, I suppose that is all I can ask for,” she says, resigning from the topic as if she wasn’t near as bothered by it all as she might have sounded a moment earlier. Like her interest was fleeting and her concern for this girl was ephemeral. 

“What do you know about my school, Mr. Ren?” She asks, standing up and walking towards the fireplace. The flames dancing and the logs crackling. 

“I know your standards are unparalleled in this city, perhaps the country. And I know that not all of your students survive their way to completion.”

Talzin chuckles, her fingers dragging over the collection of fire irons next to the hearth. “That is true. And even then, not all those that finish are fit for entering the field. Most that do are dead within a year or less. But the longevity of this life is not that of most occupations. That’s why I must say I am rather impressed with you, Mr. Ren. You’ve not only persisted in your field but you overshadow almost everyone else you work with. That is quite an achievement.”

Kylo just nods, not sure what she thinks compliments would do. 

“Where did you receive your schooling, may I ask?”

Kylo clears his throat, looking to the clock above the fireplace, annoyed that his mind has been forced to wander towards his uncle. “A private school,” is all he calls it. “It’s not very well known. It’s closed down now.”

“Then how did you get recruited?”

Kylo wasn’t in the mood to discuss this with her of all people. “Word of mouth,” he says vaguely. 

Truth was that when Ben had run away, he went to the only man who ever offered him a job. _Snoke._

He thinks Snoke initially offered it to him because he knew how much it would piss off his family, falling into the same lines as his grandfather. Or at least those had been Kylo’s own intentions at the time. Packing up and leaving them all behind to become who he was meant to be was all that mattered to him. And Snoke assured him that he would show them all how wrong they were about him. 

_And they were!_

_Weren’t they?_

He’s pulled out of his thoughts as suddenly there’s a knock at the door. 

“ _Vhodi!_ ” Talzin calls out and the door opens, revealing the girl. Kira. 

Kylo watches her as she enters, setting her suitcase and weathered backpack on the floor before stepping forward. She was out of her ballet attire and now wearing street clothes, complete with a bomber jacket that was too big for her. Her hair was still up in a bun but it looked a bit neater than before. She looks so young. Maybe twenty at the most. That was around the typical age that most hitmen and assassins left their respected academies. Ben thinks back to himself from years ago and suddenly he feels very old looking at this younger woman even if he was still shy of thirty.

She looks at him then, their eyes meet before both of them quickly look away.

“Kira...this is a very big day for you,” Talzin says, taking one of the irons and placing it in the fire. “It is no small feat to complete your training, especially in my academy. I admit that you have been one of the most promising I have ever seen...with the exception to your sass. Come closer, child.”

The girl seems to be taking controlled breaths, stepping closer as instructed while she slowly removes her jacket. “My shirt too?” she asks warily. Kylo’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. 

“Your shirt too,” Talzin confirms, her eyes focused on the fire. “Mr. Ren, why don’t you wait outside until Kira is ready? Take her bags down for her. That is the gentlemanly thing to do, don’t you think?” Kylo looks closer to the iron Talzin was holding in the fire. She wasn’t stoking it at all.

At the end of the iron was a brand.

_What the fuck kind of place is this?_

He stands up as the girl comes to the end of the table, likely waiting for him to leave for her to take off her shirt. They share a final glance as he makes for the door. He clears his throat. “I’ll...uh, bring my car around.”

She just gives him a nod, before looking back to her headmistress. Ben didn’t envy Kira in the slightest as he quickly grabbed her suitcase and backpack and left the room. 

Before he was even back down the staircase, he heard a muffled scream come from the office. He tried to ignore it, telling himself that was part of this life. Sometimes that is how you paid your dues, he thinks, his mind trailing back to his tattoos that were part of the First Order hitman dress code. The contract was practically written on your body so that you always remembered who you really belonged to.

He quickly collects his weapons and his belt from the front before stepping back out and taking in a lung full of fresh air. He doesn't know how but the place seemed even more suffocating than the main First Order building. It was unsettling in there.

Kylo brings his Silencer around to the front of the building, his fingers tapping nervously against the steering wheel as he waits several minutes before he sees the doors open again and she comes out, looking flushed and pissed off. Her jacket draped over one of her arms. Silently, she opens the door and gets inside.

Immediately, Kylo drives away, any thought of conversation far from the realm of possibility, he thinks. She didn’t want to talk about it, he figures. 

But then she talks first. “Why did you say I’m supposed to be your partner?”

He thinks he’s imagined it at first but it sinks in a moment later and he finally answers. “Because you are.”

She scoffs and it’s then when he looks over to her that he notices she won’t sit flat against the back of the seat. “Everyone knows you work alone,” she says.

“It wasn’t exactly my decision...just as it wasn’t yours. That’s all I have to say about it,” he tells her.

She turns her face to the window then so he can’t see her. Kylo grips the steering wheel tighter. He wasn’t good at talking to anybody, but with women, it was even worse. Another reason why this new situation was less than ideal. The highlight of his career was that he could literally go almost days without saying a word. 

But now he has a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach that must result from the awkwardness in the air. So for whatever reason, he finds himself looking to her again at a stoplight. He can see where there must be gauze pads on her back, between her shoulder blades. “Does it hurt?” he croaks out, already knowing the answer. He’s never been branded but he’s endured enough pain to know it must sting like hell. 

“If I say yes, is that all you need to hear to decide that I’m weak?” she asks him, still facing the window.

_Fuck, she already hates me._

“Never mind,” is all he says, deciding to drop it altogether. 

This was definitely going to be the death of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Snoke: "And they were partners"  
> Me: *Pretends to be shocked* "Oh my God they were partners!"
> 
> The next chapter will be back in family life. That's the pattern.
> 
> I utilize google translate to sprinkle some Russian in here. I don't speak Russian so it's probably wrong but thanks for playing along. 
> 
> Also I updated two chapters so check out the next one now—>
> 
> Also...  
>   
> jk that's it...thank you for reading


	3. Mornings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna update two at once since I'm impatient. 
> 
> Very short, not much plot, but cute lil' family chapter. I'm really cranking up the family softness because they deserve it...even if it makes it cliché, I'm doing it.
> 
> Also, when it comes to communicating with Mae in sign language, those sentences will be in italics with quotation marks. And since I am not fluent in ASL or any other forms of sign language, I know that the sentences aren't expressed the same way a usual sentence might be but for the sake of the story, I'm just going to write the direct sentences and whatnot. 
> 
> If you have any insight or tips on the matter let me know. Most of the time Mae can hear when she has the implants on but I like the idea that they all sign with her and stuff, you know?

Ben always woke up early. Even after all these years, he just never broke the habit. But he doesn’t mind it anymore. Not when he looked forward to what every day had to offer. 

Now he gets a good quiet few moments in before everyone is up and they have to get the kids to school.

But before he can get out of bed, he takes a moment just to admire the view he has of his wife sleeping next to him. It wasn’t bight out yet but there was the early light of morning that comes through the room. Her back was to him and her hair was fanned out against the pillows. 

But his heart feels heavier as he sees the mark between her shoulders. _The brand from_ Dathomir.

He sees it every day. Not in public. She was always cautious to conceal it and she’s tried really hard to hide it from the kids but they’ve seen it. Just as they’ve seen his tattoos. But tattoos were one thing. Rey’s brand always hurt to see. He can’t help but feel responsible for it. He left her there...he let it happen. And he could swear that there was always a heat to it that would never fade. 

He scoots closer to her, kissing it softly. He does this all the time. Enough where even a mostly asleep Rey seems to know what he’s doing. She reaches behind her, stirring softly in her sleep as she settles her hand on his thigh. _It’s okay,_ she’s telling him. That was always her reassuring line that it’s in the past and that there was nothing he could have done. 

It’s not okay though. But it was too late. That mark would be there forever.

She falls back asleep and he can’t help but smile as he hears her tiny snores. He kisses her neck one more time before he slips out of bed to pad his way to the bathroom, pulling a t-shirt over his head. 

He smirks at the tube of smaller toothpaste next to the one that he and Rey use. It was purple and had stars on it and it always looks like it's been strangled by tiny hands. Mae's hands.

It’s not until he’s almost done brushing his teeth that he catches the little figure lingering in the doorway, cautious not to disturb her sleeping mother.

_Mae._

He smirks, finishing quickly so he could meet her. Her hearing implants were downstairs so she can’t hear him yet but she doesn’t have to. She holds her arms out to him and he leans over to pick her up and kiss her on the forehead. 

Mae was his morning buddy. An early riser just like him. 

Ben makes his way down the stairs, admiring as he always does, his beautiful home. If this life with his family has taught him anything, it’s to never take anything for granted. So he enjoys taking it all in and assuring himself that this was home and that this was really his life. 

Ben feels oddly fortunate that he gets to thinks about such matters as dusting or dishes or pick-up times or cleaning out crumbs in car seats. He fucking loves it and he wouldn't trade it for anything.

 _"Sleep okay?"_ Ben tries to ask her with one hand but Mae’s getting better at reading lips too.

She nods. " _I had a dream about a dog,"_ she tells him, her fingers brushing past his chin since he was carrying her.

Ben chuckles. He wonders if that’s true or just another attempt for her to convince him and Rey just how much she wanted one. They had talked about it a lot but they’re holding off until her birthday.

Ben sets her down in the kitchen and she already knows to get the milk and chocolate sauce from the fridge while he moves for the coffee maker which was near where Mae’s hearing aids were charging. But in the mornings, he notices that Mae doesn’t like to put them on right away. She likes the quiet at times and when they talk at the table, she likes to use sign language. Have a conversation.

It’s one of Ben’s favorite moments of the day. 

He turns around to see her standing in front of the pantry, looking at the different cereal boxes. He smiles, stepping over to get her attention.

 _"Pancakes?"_ He asks, signing still. He's always liked the sign for pancakes. 

She beams. _"I can mix them?"_

_"Of course."_

About ten minutes and a few burnt pancakes later, they have more than they need but the other three will eat them, Ben thinks. If they get up before they get cold.

 _"I missed Uncle Lando. I’m glad we went to see him,"_ Mae tells him once she sets her fork down.

Ben nods. " _Me too. He loves to see you guys. And he loved the drawing you made for him. He texted me last night. He put it on his fridge,"_ Ben tells her. 

She giggles softly. " _I like to draw his mustache."_

Ben laughs. " _Why do you like to draw his mustache?"_

She nods, _"It’s bushy. Different than yours,"_ she points to his face, wiggling in her seat as she tries to get close enough to touch it. 

Since Mae couldn’t hear, she’s always relied more on her other senses and touch was one of them. More so than Lydia and Theo, Mae liked to touch Ben and Rey’s faces. Especially when they smiled. And he always loved when she was younger and she would giggle at how scratchy his beard was. Actually, she still does. 

Ben had grown accustomed to growing out his facial hair just a bit. He used to hate it when he was younger, trimming it immediately and keeping a clean-shaven face when he was in the First Order. But maybe it was age or his wife’s approval of the goatee that made him grow fond of it. 

But nothing was more amusing than seeing Mae’s rendition of it in their family portraits. That and his scar.

Mae finishes off her chocolate milk and Ben chuckles at her. " _You’ve got a mustache too now,"_ he points to her lip.

Just then Lydia enters the kitchen, yawning but giving them both a smile as she sat down with them and grabbed a pancake.

 _"I mixed the pancakes,"_ Mae tells her proudly.

 _"They taste delicious, Maeby,"_ Lydia tells her with a smile.

Maeby was Mae’s nickname that Lydia and Theo used for their sister, coined by Lando. When she was born he called her ‘Mae Baby’ which quickly evolved into _Maeby._

“Is Theo up yet?” Ben asks Lydia when Mae gets up to take her plate and cup to the sink.

“No. I told him I smelled pancakes but he’s dead asleep. Like always.”

Ben laughed. Out of everyone in their house, Theo was the deepest sleeper and it was almost impossible to get him up sometimes. And his snores were much louder than Rey’s.

But if he didn’t get up soon he would be running behind and he knows how upset Lydia gets if she’s late to class because of her brother. 

He stands up to help Mae unplug the hearing aids. She had a stool to get them but he still liked to help her, getting nervous with power outlets and whatnot. He sets her on the counter to help her get them in. As common as this occurrence was, sometimes she still needed a little help as it could be a little tricky. And she had a lot of hair to get through.

“They in?” he asks her, enjoying the smile she gives him when she hears his voice.

“Uh-huh,” she tells him, giving him a hug. “Thank you, daddy.”

As much as he loved their silent conversations, she had the sweetest little voice. “You’re welcome, baby,” he tells her before he sets her down makes her way back upstairs to get dressed for school.

It was time to really start the day. 

* * *

Rey was just finishing getting dressed when Theo came in, dragging his feet to see her.

“I thought it was Saturday,” he yawns, his eyes still half asleep. 

“Theo, love, it’s only Wednesday. You knew that.”

He huffs but then it falls into a chuckle. “I guess I did.”

“Your dad made pancakes.” She hasn’t had them yet but she can smell them from upstairs. “Why don’t you brush your teeth, get dressed, and go eat? You can rest your eyes on the way to school,” she tells him, kissing the top of his head just as Mae comes through to get her hair done and brush her teeth. She was already dressed. They always picked out her outfits before she went to bed the night before and Rey loves how responsible she is. But she also loved it when she had to help her. Mae was their youngest and Rey wasn't ready to admit that she wasn't a baby anymore.

But she was only five and watching her and the other two grow up was a dream. Besides, one look at Mae's face and Rey can tell she was still just a little girl. “Baby, you’ve got syrup on your face,” Rey chuckles.

Mae giggles as she steps up on the stool to see in the mirror. “I have a beard! Do I look like daddy?” she asks Rey in the mirror, trying to replicate one of Ben's looks.

Rey laughs, getting a towel and cleaning her up. "I can hardly tell the difference," Rey tells her. Mae takes out her implants so that Rey can brush through her hair. They carefully place them on the counter so they don’t get wet. This was all very routine. It's how things went usually every morning. Even Theo dragging himself around, forgetting what day it happened often.

Rey loved brushing Mae’s hair. It was so much like Ben’s. Very thick and soft and a little wild at times. She gets her hair up in quick and practiced buns before she helps Mae put her hearing aids back on. 

“Good?” Rey asks her. 

“Uh-huh,” she nods. “Thank you, mommy.”

“You’re welcome, baby.”

She stays to watch Rey finish getting ready and do her own hair instead of running off. Mae stays next to her, playing with the things Rey sets down after using and pretending to use them too before putting them back down. She did this some mornings and Rey thought it was adorable. She waits until she's all done to look at her in the mirror. "All ready?"

"Uh-huh."

"Good. You look gorgeous," Rey tells her, fiddling with one of her little flyaway hairs. "Let's head downstairs. I could do with a pancake," Rey smiles to her.

“Daddy let me mix them. Lydia said I made them extra good,” Mae tells her as they leave the bathroom. 

Lydia was the perfect big sister, Rey thinks for the millionth time. She made her siblings feel so loved and so special. “I’m sure you did. I’d love one, Mae.”

Before long, Rey is eating a slightly cold pancake that tastes no different from Ben’s usual ones but she knows Mae is watching her face so she pretends it’s the best thing she’s ever had and Mae beams proudly. 

Mae was so shy outside of the house and it was always so rewarding to see how happy and proud she could be when she felt comfortable. It was clear that she loved her home and her family and Rey was just so happy that all of her children had such a warm and loving place to grow up in. She wouldn’t let them have anything less.

But that was always her main priority with her family. Never would she let them feel like she had growing up. They needed to know they had a family that loved them and accepted them for who they are no matter what. 

Looking around, to her daughter smiling beside her, to Theo trying to sneak in finishing his homework, to Lydia gathering the lunches from the fridge and then to her husband who was bringing her a fresher and warmer pancake, Rey Solo knows that this family was the very best. 

Because it’s hers and that’s all she ever wanted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next one will be back to Ben and Rey's beginnings and First Order Partnership. I know you probably get that by now but imma just say it one more time for the people in the back so I don't confuse anyone.


	4. Friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *flashback music* Thirteen-ish years ago...again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so we're back with these two in their pre-baby days. This chapter is all "Kylo's" POV. This could probably be a lot more badass then what I'm giving you but whatever. This is about them learning to have feelings at its core so...that's what we get.

Kylo was upset.

It was odd to have someone else with him. He didn’t like it and he was determined to find absolutely everything wrong with her. 

There were no shortages of annoyances with her. For one thing, Kira seemed to butt heads with him on everything, constantly reminding him they were partners and that she wasn’t his gun caddy, she was there for a reason and he had to listen to her ideas too. 

He reminded her that she’s fresh out of school whereas he has been doing this job for almost ten years now and he knew what he was doing. 

Imagine how annoyed he was when she was actually right about something, which, unfortunately, was often. He’s been doing things his way for so long he was reluctant to admit there were alternate methods to things. 

She adapted quickly and he would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t find her methods and techniques...impressive. When it came to the jobs themselves, they managed to fall into a rhythm. Unspoken and instinctual. 

Problem was, the instant they were finished, they would be back to snapping at each other. And honestly, Kylo’s complaints didn’t have much substance. He was being overly critical and petulant and he knows it. But she did something to him. She brought something out in him that was difficult to name. Whatever it was, it made his brain short circuit and blurt out the most childish things. He hates feeling like this; _out of control._

Kylo wished Snoke would have just pawned her off to someone else. She was keeping him up at night. Not that they were ever in the same room to sleep but just the thought of her kept his mind busy as he recalled the days where he could go for so long without talking. Now, the most silence he got was at night when he was finally alone and even then his mind was blaring.

It’s been the longest week. _Just one week!_ They’ve already been on two jobs together and they were at the start of their third.

And the worst part was, he honestly didn’t have anything to give Snoke yet. As annoying as he thought Kira was, he didn’t have anything to take back in terms of her own private agenda or threatening intentions for his boss. 

He knows it may take weeks, possibly months before anything could present itself. Kylo wishes there was something though. Maybe there is but he’s missing it. When it came to doing the cut and dry part of his job, he was a natural, but that was only because he was getting rid of people. The problem with this assignment is that it required him to get closer to someone for the first time...and he hated it. 

He’s never had to be close to anyone. He’s never wanted to. The people he thought he was close with when he was a child never really cared about him and he quickly learned that being cruel and incapable of any sort of redemption were prominent traits that all of humanity shares. 

And Kylo was no different.

“Kylo?” Kira’s voice finally breaks through his thoughts. 

“What?” he says, wondering how long the elevator ride was going to be.

“I asked if you will you’ll be going down for dinner?”

They were in San Francisco. Their target was to be disposed of in the next thirty-six hours.

Kylo was hoping they could be done by the mid-afternoon tomorrow though.

He was so focused on leaving that he wasn’t in the mood to think about dinner.

He sighs. “I don’t know, kid.”

“I told you not to call me that,” is all Kira says back before walking away and slamming the door to her room. 

Yeah...she hates him. Honestly, Kylo doesn’t blame her. 

He enters his own room, trying to ignore her reaction, telling himself she was the one overreacting. 

He decides to try settling his things. He’s been in so many hotels in his life. He tries to situate himself where if he needs to leave within minutes he can do it easily. But he’s distracted now. Kira’s words keep rattling in his skull and he kicks himself. He was never going to get anything out of her if he kept acting the way he did and the more he drove her away the longer this was going to last. 

And she had been the one to ask about dinner. An open opportunity to actually get some kind of information.

God, he really was hopeless at this undercover bullshit. Snoke was definitely pissed at him for something. But with Snoke, it didn’t matter how much you proved to him, he always expected more. 

Kylo hoped he had proven himself enough but no. It didn’t matter how many contracts he closed...Snoke would probably always think he was weak. Which is why he probably tasked him with this dumbass assignment. Because Snoke knew Kylo was miserable at dealing with people.

Cleaning up a bit and pacing in front of his door for a solid ten minutes, he decides to cross the hallway to Kira’s room, hesitantly knocking on the door.

There’s no answer. So he knocks a little harder. “Kira, are you in there?”

Kylo wonders if she already went down for dinner. He starts to walk away but then the door opens and she stands there. Her face stern and very unamused to see him. Her hair is up in a messy bun already and she was practically in pajamas. He nearly makes a comment of how it was unwise to answer the door in such a state of dress as it would be difficult to look intimidating had he been anyone else but he bites it back, knowing that was a shitty thing to say. Besides, she didn’t have too many articles of clothes to begin with. Just what she had with her in what she brought from Dathomir.

Perhaps that was something he was supposed to offer. He was very particular about his attire when it came to working. All his suits were custom. But such a topic only came up if you knew how to have a civil conversation.

So he had to at least try and get the basics down.

He clears his throat, realizing she was starring and he was talking too long. “Uhh, I wanted to see if you still wanted to go to dinner,” he offers casually.

Her eyes narrow. “No, that’s alright. I don’t think the restaurant downstairs has a kids menu.”

Kylo sighs, realizing he hasn’t exactly been very courteous. Calling her ‘kid’ when she’s asked him not to. He doesn’t know why. It used to piss him off when his dad and uncle called him that. Even more when he told them to stop and they did it anyway, telling him that he _was_ a kid so he shouldn’t get so offended. 

And yet Kylo had done the very same to her. 

“Listen, uh, I’m sorry if I’ve been a little…” he honestly can’t think of a word for it but given her expression, she was thinking of plenty. So he moves past it. “But it’s just that I don’t work with people very often.” 

_As if she hadn’t figured that out already._

“And this whole thing has been a little odd but I think it’d be good if we try to be a little more...civil to each other.”

They stand there quietly for a long moment, not saying anything, and Kylo shifts uncomfortably in the hallway, avoiding her stare to look around him. As if he was securing the area but he’s honestly too distracted to take anything in. 

And then finally, she answers. “Fine,” she huffs, not sounding very pleased about it. “I’ll meet you downstairs,” is all she says before she slams the door shut and he’s just standing in the hallway by himself. Kylo takes a breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding. He turns for the elevator and heads downstairs, genuinely surprised she had agreed.

He takes a few deep breaths in his solitude of the elevator, thinking he must have looked the way he did when he first started his career. Trying to calm himself before the grizzliness of a job. But that had always been aimed towards violence. 

This was just dinner. 

The doors open to the chatter of the lobby and he steps towards the restaurant where the _maitre d_ was positioned out in front of the doors. 

“Good evening, sir,” they greet him. “Do you have a reservation?”

“Uh, no, I don’t but I was wondering how long it might be for a party of two.”

“Not long, I think, sir. Maybe ten minutes at most. If you like, you can wait at the bar and I can come to fetch you when your table is ready.”

“Thank you,” Kylo nods as he walks past him to the bar. 

The hotel was...swanky. That seemed to be the only word for it. It wasn’t as secure as Maz’s Castle would be as it wasn’t above forbidding any business on the grounds. But it was about as comfortable as Kylo could be considering some other hotels in the area. He’s stayed here a few times before from previous jobs but he doesn’t usually engage in the nightlife activities unless he’s tailing one of his targets. Even then, he was committed to being invisible.

So this was another tally in the category of things that pushed him beyond his normal comfort zones. Too many people. Too many entry points. Too many eyes. Too many variables. He hadn’t even requested for a table in the corner. _Fuck,_ his standards were slipping. 

He steps up to the bar, looking to the bartender. “Bourbon. No ice.”

Within seconds there’s a glass in front of him and he slides over a twenty. Kylo remains standing as he takes a sip. He actually rarely drinks. Usually only when he was feeling sentimental, anxious, or in pain from a gunshot wound or something of that nature. All of which were not common for him at this point in his career. But tonight, it was definitely anxiety that had won out. 

As he stands there, he tries to remind himself that this wasn’t something to get so worked up over and looks out at the room. Trying to think of a better way to utilize his nervous energy. Like recounting exits, how many tables, how many waiters. That sort of thing. 

There was a live band and more than a handful of couples swaying to the music on the dancefloor. Kylo finds himself watching them as if he was watching an alien species, wondering how people tended to look so natural with each other. 

_Because they’re drunk and this is what they tell themselves they do for fun_ , Kylo smirks to himself.

“What’s so funny, handsome?”

Kylo looks over to see another woman at the bar looking at him. Far too closely. He just shakes his head, deciding to ignore her, thinking she would go away. But she doesn’t. She gets off her stool and practically slithers over to him. Instantly, his defenses go up. The hair on the back of his neck stands up, the gun he keeps at his back burning as he wonders if she was involved with their target or if she had sought him out because she knows who he is. 

She saunters closer until she’s standing beside him. He pointedly ignores her, hoping she would just go away. 

“Aren’t you going to ask me for my name? Most men want to know.”

 _I’m not most men,_ Kylo thinks. 

“Oh, you’re one of the shy ones,” she laughs. “Well, I’m Bazine. Bazine Netal,” she says, holding up her chin as if she was posing for something.

“Nice to meet you,” he says, deciding to look intensely at the contents of his glass. 

“Isn’t it such a tragedy?” Bazine asks in a voice she must have rehearsed from some noir film from the forties. He didn’t find it amusing, especially when her hand settles too closely next to his on the bar. He takes a step to the left, as far as he can without colliding into the man sitting on the next stool. Clearly, that doesn’t discourage her.

“What?” he responds, hoping his tone would be indication enough that he wasn’t interested. 

She leans even closer then and speaks in a low and sultry voice. “Drinking alone.”

“He’s not alone,” a voice says behind him and he turns to see Kira standing there. He takes a sigh of relief at the sight of her before his breath catches again as he realizes how she looks. 

She looks...nice. _Very nice._

This is noticeable to the woman next to him as well, who was formerly trying very hard to get his attention. 

But she just laughs at Kira. “Are you sure? He doesn’t look like a babysitter to me?” Bazine says, trying to inch closer to him with a giggle, as if she expects him to laugh along with her. For whatever reason, it made him furious. 

Usually, his ferocity presented itself in different ways but at this moment, his hand reaches out towards Kira, his eyes begging her to take it. She hides her surprise well as she smoothly slides her hand in his and he pulls her closer to him until Kira was a barrier between him and the Bazine woman. “Excuse us,” he says and the woman’s expression is priceless as she scowls at them both before turning away and leaving them be. 

It isn’t until she’s out of sight that Kira’s hand slips through his and he can actually feel how his heart falls a little. He quickly tries to deduce why but decides he would prefer not to analyze it. He doesn’t need something else to get worked up about. 

“Thank you,” he tells her.

“You looked like you needed help,” she says, looking around the room as he had done earlier. 

He nods, trying very hard to think of what to say next. Does he compliment her on how she looks? Was that unprofessional? In the most basic sense, they were partners in business. But also, he was trying to make her...not hate him. So he gives in.

“You look good. You clean up quick,” he says as off handly as he can, trying to sound observational above all else. Like he’s just stating facts. 

She was wearing a black dress that had small polka dots and some red flowers on it. It had a mock neck collar and mid-length sleeves. She wore it well although he can tell it’s a thin inexpensive material that probably rolled up nicely in her small suitcase. Perhaps she has more stowed away but she chose this one because of the high collar. He knows that the brand on her back must still be healing. She won’t say anything and Kylo certainly wasn’t going to bring it up again but he has noticed her rolling her shoulders once or twice and the slight twist to her face at the tenderness she must feel there.

She’s got on some black tights and he’s surprised to see her wearing shoes that weren’t her weathered black lace-up boots. Because she’s wearing heels.

“Thanks,” she says quietly, not looking at him.

“Can I get you a drink?” he asks, lamely looking down into his own. 

“Will I get carded?” she asks and at first he thinks she’s carrying on her petulance for the ‘kid’ comments, especially after Bazine mentioned her needing a babysitter. But then he realizes she’s serious when it’s not accompanied by a glare.

“I can order it for you,” he offers.

Her eyes look down to his glass. “I’ll have what you’re having.”

Kylo chuckles, tipping the glass closer to her so she could get a good look. “This is bourbon.” He refrains from calling her kid, catching himself.

She seemed to know that already though. “As long as it’s not vodka,” she practically groans, her eyes wandering to the band.

He can tell there’s a story to that but he files it away for later as he flags down the bartender and orders her a drink. He holds up his glass as she gets hers and they clink their glasses together before they take a sip. She hardly seems phased by the strong taste at all and the girl becomes an even bigger mystery to him. 

“Excuse me, sir?” Kylo turns to see the _maitre d_ standing behind them. “Your table is ready. If you and the young lady would like to follow me,” he says, giving Kira a friendly nod. 

He guides them through the restaurant until he presents to them a very snug looking booth. “A little small perhaps but ideal for romantic atmosphere,” the man says proudly as he passes them menus with a cheesy smile. Thankfully, he disappears and Kylo quickly tries to clamp down the heat he feels in his cheeks. Why was he so uncomfortable? Honestly? It was just dinner. They were partners. A casual comment made from a presumptuous host didn’t change that. And Kira seemed to take it in stride as she got busy looking over the menu. 

He finds himself watching her curiously. She had brushed through her hair and put some make up on. Her lipstick matched the color of the flowers on her dress. 

“What?” she asks, probably feeling his eyes on her.

His face burns, immediately looking down at the menu. “Nothing. You look nice.”

_Where the fuck had that come from?_

“You said that already,” she says, closing the menu. Her tone is unemotional. Like now she was the one stating the facts. 

He clears his throat, deciding to ignore it and move forward. “What are you getting?” he asks, unable to even read what is right in front of him.

She seems to ignore his question. “How come the cheapest thing on the menu is thirty dollars?”

“What?”

“This place is expensive.”

“Are you on a budget?” he jokes, thinking that she wouldn’t be so concerned since she’s become a millionaire in the past week with the money from her jobs with him. 

“I was just pointing it out,” she shrugs.

“Where do you usually like to eat?” he asks her.

Kira smirks. “‘Usually?’ Usually, I would have to eat whatever Talzin fed us which was her world-famous gulag inspired cuisine.”

Kylo almost laughs, looking back down at the menu. Everything overpriced, overly gourmet, and small portions. He closes it, thinking of something else instead. 

“Do you like burgers?” he asks her.

Kira looks to him surprised before nodding slightly.

“Do you want to get out of here?” he asks next, startled he even found the courage to do it.

She actually smiles at him before she nods again. Both of them finish off their drinks before they stand up and leave before their waiter could come to ask what they wanted for appetizers.

* * *

Twenty minutes later they are sitting on a park bench, looking out at the bay, eating burgers they got from a food truck for less than five dollars. 

It was easier to breathe out here. It didn’t feel as suffocating as the restaurant. 

“You come here often?” she asks him when she takes a sip of her soda.

He shrugs. “Only when the jobs are here,” he explains.

“Where do you live?” she asks him curiously.

He opens his mouth to answer. He had plenty of accommodations around the world, but he wouldn’t say he lives anywhere permenantly. And even then, none of those were in any one location. He doesn’t consider them that different from hotels as they are as impersonal to him as a rented room. 

“Wherever the jobs are,” he answers finally. His own answer depresses him for some reason. 

“You live out of hotels?” She asks, sounding surprised. He just shrugs, that being answer enough. “No home,” is all she says before looking back out at the bay, her shoulders sinking a little. 

He hadn’t really thought about it that way. But he hasn’t really thought about having a home in a while either. Or rather...not having a home. He thinks back to what Talzin mentioned about Kira and her surviving hope to be found by her family and that she was sentimental for things she claims she can’t remember. Talzin also said that if Kira didn’t have a partner, she might try to seek them out. 

She was looking for a home.  
The fact that he’s well established in this job and doesn’t have one must be depressing to her. More so than it is to him. Another tally in her mental walls that there is no home in this life. 

As he watches her have this internal realization, she looks so young and his mind wanders back to the bar when she needed him to order her drink for her. 

Suddenly he finds himself asking her directly, “How old are you?”

She turns to look at him again and Kira rolls her eyes but she can see the smirk she’s hiding. “How old are you?” she counters teasingly. 

“Twenty-nine,” he answers quickly, thinking that would get him an answer in return.

She must be surprised that he actually answers because she bites her lip, still smirking. Like now she knows she has to share. She sighs, rolling up the wrapper from her burger. She was finished with hers and he was still only halfway through his own. 

“Nineteen,” she says quietly. 

He chokes a little on his food as he hears her answer. She laughs at his reaction and the sound of it makes him chuckle too once he gets ahold of himself. “Nineteen?”

She nods.

_He was ten years older than her, holy shit._

She’s quick to add to it though. “But I’ll be twenty in a few months...Give or take.”

“What does that mean? Give or take?”

She chews her lip like she’s cursing herself for saying more than she wanted. “I don’t know my exact birthday. It’s more just...estimates. But I know I’ll be twenty,” she says, trying to sound more confident than she looks.

He’s not really sure what to say to that. It seemed like such an odd concept. To not know your own birthday. But perhaps that was a privilege that Kylo never realized he had. To actually know where he comes from well enough to leave it. Kira seemed to not know at all which made her curious about it. It made her dwell on something as simple as the day she was born whereas Kylo almost forgets his birthday some years. 

“Talzin mentioned you were…” he mulls for the right way to phrase it, “... _taken into_ her school because you were found orphaned. She saw you had potential.”

He watches as she tenses slightly but he’s not sure what word may have triggered that. Perhaps it was Talzin’s name. Maybe it was the reference to her childhood. 

“That’s how most of her students got there. Not many parents drop their kids off at Dathomir for summer programs. It’s just the kids that had no other options.”

Kylo sets his burger aside, suddenly not quite hungry anymore. “Some parents might.”

His parents dropped him off. True it wasn’t at Dathomir, but it was with his uncle. His own personal hell. And he honestly didn’t think he had any options either growing up...until Snoke offered him a job. 

Because that was his choice. 

But maybe ‘choice’ wasn’t the right word for it. Because where he had ‘chosen’ this, Kira was brought into the First Order no differently than how she was brought into Talzin’s school. He had picked her up there, she was told she would be leaving the place she’s been at for years and he whisked her away into a job she’s spent her life training for but probably doesn’t want. 

“My parents wouldn’t have done it though,” Kira insists. “They loved me. I just got lost one day. They were coming back and Talzin just...she didn’t listen. She said I was making it up.” 

She was though, Kylo knows. Kira must have really convinced herself otherwise, but it was disheartening to hear. It didn’t feel like it was his place to tell her. Especially not now when he’s finally got her talking to him. 

He purses his lips, wondering how the conversation got so heavy. “Maybe you should just make up a birthday.”

She doesn’t say anything and he realizes a moment later that she’s probably thought about that plenty of times. 

A heavy silence falls over them then and Kylo thinks that although he had tried to offer something, as shitty of a solution as it may have been, she interprets it for what it was. She knows he doesn’t believe her either and she seemed discouraged, watching the boats with a pinch between her brows. 

Kylo takes a heavy sigh. He can practically feel how she has the desire to get up and bolt from him. Unless he wanted to revert back to where he was from just an hour or so ago, he needed to do better. 

Clearing his throat, he decides to try. “Listen, uh...I know this is not ideal and that partnerships are fairly dated in this line of work because no one trusts anyone. And I imagine that this must be very irritating to you and I clearly haven’t been very welcoming, but I’ve been alone for a very long time. My conversational skills are not...exemplary.”

She doesn’t say anything and it discourages him from trying altogether. “This isn’t my first choice either. It’s just the way it is,” he says, ready to stand up and discard the trash. It’s been a long time since he’s just eaten out in the open like this.

But then Kira finally speaks. 

“I know I’m young...and I know you can’t stand me,” she says quietly. Kylo opens his mouth to try and deny that but nothing comes out and she takes it as her cue to continue. 

“But you’re my partner. That’s what I was told and for that reason, I see that we have to trust each other. I’m not about to let you get killed and I would hope you would do the same for me...but I suppose I can’t expect that because you’re right. Nobody trusts anybody. And besides, you’re the most notable person in this business and I can’t imagine how embarrassing this must be for you. And I guess the fact that I am basically a child is insulting to you...but I just hope that you can give me a chance here before you decide that I’m nothing more than some stupid kid. I guess that’s all I want. A chance to prove that I’m capable.”

He grits his teeth as he knows that he can’t do what she asks if she’s got an assignment of her own. No matter what he thinks of her, it was out of his hands. At the end of the day, he answered to Snoke. 

And Snoke wanted her gone. That was his assignment. 

But even then, he wants to say something. Because even though it’s been rocky, he doesn’t hate her. 

“I know you’re capable. I’ve seen what you can do. You don’t have to prove anything to me. You’re my partner and I’m yours. I watch your back, you watch mine. That’s what it is. And if we can just find a way to exist, more like this,” he gestures between them on the bench, “then I think it could actually work out.”

She chuckles softly. “Are you saying we can be friends?”

He doesn’t have friends. That wasn’t what he was saying, he doesn’t think. But as odd as it sounded, he finds himself nodding. “Yeah, friends.”

He braces himself for panic but it doesn’t come. He feels surprisingly fine with the concept as well as the fact that he had accepted it. 

She finally looks at him directly, her eyes meet his. “Alright then.”

And as if it was that simple, they were...friends. It didn’t take a contract, legally binding tattoos, or a brand. 

It took a little talking, some fresh air, and some burgers. 

Kylo didn’t think anything could be that simple. 

* * *

The panic comes later. 

That night, Kylo tosses and turns in the hotel bed, his mind playing over the conversation endlessly, like he was rewinding a scene from a movie. 

His stomach was churning and he doesn’t think it had anything to do with his burger. 

He does this sometimes with conversations he’s had with people. But it’s been a long time since he’s had a conversation long and heavy enough to make him analyze it like this. He would still pick apart the arguments he had with his parents over fifteen years ago. 

But this was an abundance of new content now swirling in his mind. 

Kira was nineteen years old. She was so young. He wasn’t much older than her when he started this job but it was different to be on the other side of it and actually see how young a person could be in a life such as this one. Kylo didn’t think he was old by any means but he felt it on that bench. He felt it weigh on him heavier than ever as he realized that at one point when he was her age, he thought he had his whole life ahead of him but not much had changed. 

And Kira...Kira may think she has that too, but he knows for a fact that she doesn’t. 

Snoke wants her dead if she is what they suspect her to be. And Snoke wanted Kylo to kill her. 

He was used to killing but the thought of killing Kira felt wrong. Killing was always unemotional for him. It had to be. He couldn’t analyze it too much or it would eat him alive. He’s long made his peace that he was a monster. 

But this time he spent with Kira, just after one evening and deciding to try harder to get along, he realizes that it made it emotional. It made him relate to her and to connect with her in a way that honestly was starting to scare him. 

Because he realizes he doesn’t hate her at all. He actually kind of likes her. Maybe _like_ wasn’t the right word. But he definitely relates to her, he thinks. There is some kind of connection that makes him feel comfortable with her. As skittish as he had been when he asked her to dinner, it had been overall, a very pleasant evening. He had actually gone out and had dinner with another human being. 

And the fact that the only thing that prompted him to do so was Snoke’s assignment for him sat like a rock in his gut. 

All Kira wanted, it seemed, was to know that someone cared for her. That’s why she convinced herself that her parents, whoever they were, loved her. And she had confessed this to him so easily. She lives with it everyday and she clearly wants it so bad. Maybe that's why she suggested they try to be friends.

And here he was, the first person that was actually listening to her about it, trying to rip apart her answers to find any indications of her dishonesty.

He covers his face with the pillow and groans into it furiously. 

He tried not to think this much about things because it ripped him apart. It made him break down too many aspects of his own life that he had no control of and he didn’t like it. Usually, that was fine because it was just concerning him and he didn’t like himself anyway. 

But now it concerned Kira and that seemed a lot worse because as opposed to himself, he did kind of like her. Or at the very least, he didn't hate her like he tried to convince himself he did.

 _Fuck._ Apparently, Kira wasn’t the only one lying to herself.


	5. Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pure family fluff stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a short one of the fam
> 
> I know this is a fake family that I made up in my head but honestly, I would die for them they are so soft.

Ben is sitting at the kitchen table with Mae in his lap. She was tracing his hand with a crayon onto some paper. 

Rey’s birthday was on Sunday and the kids always made her cards and signs and things. And Mae decided that she wanted to make a banner that said happy birthday but in sign language. So she was tracing his hands as he signed different letters and then trying to draw in the lines for his fingers after. 

She said she needed to use his hands because they were big enough to be seen once they hung it up. It was adorable and very thoughtful and he already knew Rey would love it. When it came to the cards and presents the kids made for her, Rey always got teary over them. 

Lydia and Theo were at the table, working on their own cards. Lydia had finished hers and was punching holes in the papers Mae was passing her so she could string them up on the thread. 

Rey was at the grocery store and he gave her the kind of look that silently asks her to take her time so he could get some extra time with the kids to work on things. 

Rey always smirked, because the kids always thought they were being so secretive but Rey always knows what they’re doing. They had done it just a few weeks ago for Mother’s Day. 

But Ben always wanted to make sure that they made her birthday special. She didn’t have one for so long and if he had the chance to try and make it rememberable for her, he would always take it. 

“Daddy?” Mae asks.

“Hmm?” he hums, watching how she draws with the crayons.

“‘Member for your birthday, Lando brought those pictures of you when you were little?”

Ben chuckles, “Uh-huh.” Mae really liked those. Especially the ones where he was about her age. She seemed so surprised that he could ever be her size since he was so much bigger.

“Can we do that for mommy?” Mae asks. 

Lydia looks up at him then and Theo does too. They already know the answer to that so they must be waiting to see what he’ll say. 

“Oh, that’s a really sweet idea, baby. I’m sure she’d love that,” he tells her as she turns to look up at him. “But...we don’t really have any pictures of mommy when she was little.”

Mae is quiet for a moment as she takes in his words. When she speaks again her voice is quiet and she looks a little worried. “Because mommy didn’t have a...a family?”

Ben’s heart kind of twists in his chest. It always hurt to think of his wife’s upbringing. She never had a real childhood. That’s why she’s so protective of it for her own children. Rey doesn’t want them to feel like they’re in a rush to grow up.

Ben nods. “Yeah,” he says somberly.

The kids knew Rey grew up an orphan. But that didn’t mean it was easy to talk about. 

“But you know,” he says, trying to lighten the mood, “that’s why she loves our family so much. She’s always so thankful to you three and how you’ve given her a family that she’s always wanted. And that’s why the things you make her are her favorite.”

Mae smiles, her little hands patting his face. “And you too. You’re mommy’s family too.”

“I am...So I want her to have nice birthdays with our family because she never got any when she was little.”

 _When I met her, she didn’t even know when her birthday was,_ he thinks but doesn’t say. 

“Dad?” Theo asks from across the table, his markers down.

“Yeah, buddy?”

“I know mom didn’t have parents. But...where did she live? Was it like...an orphanage?”

Ben tries to think about how to answer. Dathomir was a very dark place and the main reason why both he and Rey get so panicked when they lose sight of the kids in public. They knew there were plenty of sinister people out there that were always looking for young children to take in. To a place like Dathomir or who knows what else. 

If Ben could, he would burn that place down to the ground himself.

But for now, his son was waiting for an answer. “It was...yeah, kind of like an orphanage. But it was also kind of like a school. It was really strict and just...nothing like a home.”

Theo’s face twists a bit. “I feel bad for mom. She seems so happy though.”

“She is happy,” Ben assures them. “Because she loves our family. This is what she always wanted. The five of us. It doesn't matter where we are or anything. We mean the most to her and that’s why we show her that she means the most to us.”

Their children were all extremely thoughtful and caring and Ben doesn’t know how they got so lucky. He thinks they had more of Rey in them than him but Rey always tells him that’s not true. That even if he doesn’t think he is, he was the most thoughtful person she knows. 

“Can we make mommy a cake?” Mae asks next. 

Ben chuckles softly, liking how conversation tended to hop topics so quickly in the mind of a five-year-old. “Yes, we can make her a cake.”

“I like cake,” she says, resuming her tracing of his hands.

Ben kisses the top of Mae’s head. “I know you do.”

* * *

Rey heard her husband’s voice out in the hallway.

She smiles to herself. She woke up when he did but he urged her to sleep in as he usually did on her birthday because the kids liked to set things up. So she pretended to sleep through it all, even when Ben and Mae were brushing their teeth or when she heard the garage open and the Falcon drive away. 

She got up to brush her teeth and check her phone. She got a cheesy but very heartfelt happy birthday message from Lando and she thanked him, assuring he was still up to meet them for dinner.

And then Jyn and Cassian sent her a message, wishing her well and she had started to reply. But then she heard the garage open and the footsteps on the stairs and Rey pretends to be back in bed when she hears them come back. 

Because she knows what’s coming and she loves it. 

“Shh, everyone be quiet. Just wait here until I call you in,” she hears Ben tell them. “And no extreme screaming. My ears are still ringing from mother’s day.”

Rey chuckles, pretending to be asleep but she peaks enough once she hears the door creak open and her husband slides in. Rey sits up as he comes to sit beside her on the side of the bed. 

Instantly, he kisses her softly. 

“Happy birthday,” he tells her, pressing his forehead to hers. It still sounds so new. He was the first one to ever say those words to her.

“Thank you,” she tells him softly. He presses another kiss to her lips then but there’s a whole lot of snickering coming from behind their door. “They’re all ready, then?” Rey smirks. 

Ben chuckles. “I can never keep them back for long. I just wanted to make sure you had a fair warning before I unleash them.”

Rey sits up even further. “I can take them.”

Ben squeezes her hand. “Alright, you can come in!” he calls out.

The door bursts open and Rey’s three favorite little humans come charging through with party hats and big grins. 

“Mommy, it’s your birthday!” Mae informs her, climbing up on the bed. 

“I know!” Rey laughs as they play little kazoos and present her with a donut and a birthday hat of her own. 

“We saved the green one for you, mom,” Theo tells her as Mae helps her get it on. 

“Oh, my loves, this is so nice,” she tells them, already getting teary.

Lydia tried to help her father get the string of the party hat on past his ears. Naturally, they saved the red one for him. “We snuck out and got donuts. Mae ate ten donut holes!” Lydia says.

Rey gives a mock sort of gasp, “How sneaky...were they that good?”

Mae nods with a big smile. 

“Then I’m glad you enjoyed them,” she kisses her cheek. She notices her hair must have been done by Ben because her buns were a little lopsided this morning but she looked so adorable. 

Rey was eventually guided downstairs where she found her living room and her kitchen adorned with handmade decorations and a happy birthday sign that consisted of Ben’s hands that spelled out _Happy Birthday Mommy!_

Rey teared up then and they all hugged her. But it only got more intense as they all passed the cards they made for her.

And then came their gifts.

Mae made her a bouquet of flowers from pipe cleaners displayed in a paper mache vase.

Theo played her a dreamy little song he composed on his synthesizer. There were no words but he had titled it “Mom” which seemed like an overload of emotions for her.

And then Lydia gave her a picture frame that she made herself (she was very handy) and then collaged little pebbles all around it that she had collected to frame the picture of them from that day they stopped at the beach on the way home from Lando’s.

Rey held it together without bawling, telling them all how much she loved her gifts and how much she loved them. Rey didn’t care how accustomed she got to family life, this always impacted her so much. To now her family loved her and was so priceless. If only she could find a way to tell her younger self what was waiting for her one day.

It was worth everything. All the fear and the loneliness was now such a distant memory. 

And it all changed the day she got reluctantly partnered up with _him._

* * *

The girls were in the kitchen, decorating the half-burned cake they made earlier. Theo joined in after he found out they had sprinkles. The kid liked to eat sprinkles but Ben just shook his head, thinking they deserved to just mess around. They were kids and they deserved to be kids. They deserved to be happy.

Rey wasn’t allowed in the kitchen until they were done with the cake but they wouldn’t be eating it until they got back from dinner. So Ben leaves them be to make a mess so he can track his wife down. 

She was in the laundry room.

He rolls his eyes. “Don’t do laundry today. It’s your birthday,” he tells her.

“But tomorrow’s Monday and Mae likes to wear her stripey sweater to school and I want it to be clean,” she says reaching for the detergent.

“Then let me do it, just sit back.” Jokes and birthdays aside, Ben really didn't mind doing laundry. It was one of those tasks that he felt grateful enough to do in his life. But for now, the laundry could wait. Rey doesn’t move and he snags her around the waist. “She has other sweaters, you know. Besides, I didn’t give you _my_ present yet.”

Rey chuckles. “Oh please. I know what presents you like to give. I’ve already got three of them.”

Ben laughs, knowing what she means. “No, not a baby...unless you want to have that conversation,” he says, half-joking before she jabs him playfully and he just laughs it off. He should probably be alarmed at how quickly that idea appealed to him but clearly, they were really good at having pretty amazing kids so he could easily be convinced to have more. But he wasn’t the one having them though.

Besides, he was getting sidetracked. “I got you something,” he tells her.

“Ben, I told you not to get me anything,” she reminds him, folding laundry.

“I know. I didn’t listen,” he says, kissing the shell of her ear. He reaches into his pocket before pulling out some keys and settling them in her hands, forcing her to look past the laundry.

She stills before spinning in his arms to finally face him. “Ben, what are these for?”

He just shrugs, deciding not to tell her. It was too tempting. 

“Ben? What did you do?”

“Oh, there’s so much laundry to do,” he says, changing the subject. “Where’s Mae’s sweater?”

“Ben Solo! Tell me what these keys are for!”

He bites his lip. “If I said ‘my heart’ would you–”

Rey rolls her eyes and laughs but spins away before he could finish, making her way for the garage. She throws open the door and gasps when she sees what’s waiting there next to the Falcon. 

_A motorcycle._

Rey stares at it with an open mouth, honestly shocked. 

He laughs heartily, just enjoying her reaction in itself. “Well? Look familiar?”

“I can’t believe you,” she smiles, covering her mouth in disbelief. “Where did you get this? It couldn't be my old one.”

“Not exactly but pretty close," he tells her, bringing an arm around her shoulders. "I called Hondo and gave him a more than generous deal on it.”

“Hondo?” she says quietly. “My god, I haven’t thought about him in ages.”

"Well, rest assured. He hasn't changed at all."

It wasn’t a name they said often. Although Hondo Ohnaka wasn’t overly involved with anyone these days, he’s always a part of the kind of network Ben and Rey keep away from. 

But Hondo’s old fear of them made him always more than courteous to them. Which, after so many years, was too amusing to Ben when he gave him a call. Ben can’t help but smile as Rey swings one leg over and just sits on it, getting familiar with all of the controls again. 

“So? Any thoughts?” he asks her. 

She shakes her head, “I _would_ say this is extremely dangerous and highly impractical...but I think that’s my mom brain talking.”

Ben laughs. “And your non-mom brain?”

“I love it,” she tells him. “I haven’t ridden in years and I’ll probably make a fool of myself but I love it, Ben. I can’t believe you got this.”

“Well, I gave up on jewelry. You seem to have everything you need in that department,” he says, his hand reaching to her wrist. He brushes his fingers over the bracelet he’s hardly ever seen her without. Not ever since he gave it to her for her twentieth birthday. The first time they celebrated it. 

He’s gotten her a few other bracelets over the years but this one was her favorite. The silver one with the little daisies on it. 

She smiles up at him, standing up a bit so she’s closer to his height. “Thank you, Ben.”

“It’s nothing,” he shrugs.

“No, I mean for everything. For this, for our home, _for them,_ ” she nods back inside. She means the kids. “For you. You know full well you're the reason we celebrate this day at all and that's more than enough for me. But you give me everything.”

He shakes his head. “Rey, you’re the one that gave them to me. All of those things. Everything,” he tells her, his throat feeling tighter suddenly. “Even myself. I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for you. I never thought I could have this... _any of this,_ and it’s only because of you.”

Rey’s eyes look a little glassy as she pushes to her toes to kiss him softly. “I love you.”

He holds her tighter. “I love you, sweetheart.”

They stay like that for a long moment before Rey pulls away to look up at him. “We could take it for a test drive tomorrow,” she tells him, nodding back to the bike. 

“Mmm,” he shakes his head, kissing her again. “I was thinking Tuesday.”

“Why Tuesday?” she asks with a slight chuckle.

"Because your birthday usually falls on a weekday so I'm going to have to postpone my other present until we drop them off at school and we have the house to ourselves tomorrow,” he tells her, kissing beneath her ear. 

“Mmm...Tuesday then,” Rey agrees.

* * *

Theo plays the music on his synthesizer for everyone to sing along to as the candles on the cake burned. The cake that the kids had decorated. It had a ridiculous amount of frosting but she would prefer it over the cleanest most delicious cake in the world because they made it for her and she loves that her children are so talented but also that they value the importance of making things themselves. 

Rey beamed, wearing her green party hat once more as her family surrounded her. Not just Ben and the kids but Lando too. The older man was wearing a yellow party hat that Mae told him he had to wear and he did. Just like the rest of them, he couldn't say no to her.

Mae comes to stand by her side and Rey pulls her into her lap so she could help blow out the candles.

Rey would do anything for her family, but on a day like today, she is reminded that her family will do anything for her. Because that's what they were, they were a family. And that was a gift that Rey was endlessly grateful for. And as much as Ben liked to think she deserved all the credit, clearly, she wouldn't be here if it weren't for him. 

She meant what she told him earlier, he had given her everything and more. And after all these years, she thinks she falls more in love with him every day. Even when he drove her crazy.

It's like he can read her mind because as she blows out the candles, he winks at her before diving down to kiss her softly. She hears the Lydia and Theo groan a little and Lando's hearty laugh but it just makes Rey smile. 

He pulls away quickly enough, kissing her forehead as he rises but gets to work on taking the candles out of the cake, and Lydia and Theo help him.

"Mommy, did you make a wish?" Mae asks her sweetly, still sitting in her lap. 

"Oh, I think I forgot now that you mention it," Rey chuckles. 

"Why didn't you?" Mae asks in a hushed voice, sounding almost scandalized and it was pretty amusing. As if Rey had broken a cardinal birthday rule and Mae was trying to keep it secret.

Rey just shrugs, kissing the top of her head. "I guess I already have everything I could wish for."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg that was so mushy! Just fluff, no protein, lol. If some things don't make sense, they will in time. This whole thing is kind of like a puzzle so things will fall into place in the present the more we learn about the past. 
> 
> I don't know shit about motorcycles but pretend this is the one Ben got for her:  
>   
> Not the fanciest but it's for sentimental reasons which will be revealed eventually hee hee. I'm pretty sure this model is old enough to have a kick start and not keys like Ben gave her but it's fanfiction so imma let it go, lol. 
> 
> These family chapters are going to seem kinda sort right now but this is just to get us warmed up (honestly, not to freak you out, but hold onto the fluff stuff before big plot kicks in).
> 
> fun fact: I had to cut out probably five various uses of the word 'adorable' because it was too repetitive and it still shows up a lot...but I can't help it they are so AdOrABleE!!


	6. Spain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this is a long chapter.
> 
> "Kylo" has lots of feelings but that's not new. He just has a lot of them at once.
> 
> It seems like a lot of info to throw at you but I'm just gonna do it and post it now so YEET!!!

Kylo looked to his watch. 

Kira has been at Vanar’s for seven hours. He had dropped her off, gone back to the hotel, done some research on their unlucky target, gotten another coffee and was still waiting. 

Kira had to be going insane by now. In the three weeks he’s known her, he’s seen maybe a total of five different combinations of outfits she would wear. One of which included a raggedy T-shirt that seemed big enough to fit him. He suspected she would wear it as a pajama shirt as well because it was a wrinkled mess.

But as her clothes got messier from the jobs and the stains got impossible to keep up with, Kylo specifically chose a job in Spain just so he could find a way to get her some new clothes and to the tailor he always comes to and would understand the requirements and importance of garments for certain jobs. 

Kira was...well, she was really amazing. Her skill set was refreshing and it was hard to believe how good she was, even if she was young. It didn’t seem to affect her performance. Kylo tries to recall all the little mistakes he used to make when he started but Kira was seamless. She groans sometimes, about messing something up but he honestly never notices. 

He’s not sure why. He’s always finding the flaws of everyone else but it was harder with her. It’s why finding things to nitpick about her when they pretended to hate each other was more than difficult. She was so quick and precise...it was thrilling to watch.

But today she was being fit for a new wardrobe so he's found himself in more silence than he's had in nearly a month. And where he expected to be fine with it, because he was used to his own company. It was odd not to have her with him. 

Kylo is down in the little café of the hotel, waiting to hear from her. It’s not something he would do just anywhere but this hotel made him feel a little more at ease than most. The Continental was similar in policies to Maz’s castle. No business was conducted on the grounds. There were a series of them spanning all over the world so Kylo had stayed in all of them at some point. This one in Spain was managed by a man named Rex and his brother Cody owned the one in Rome. Both long retired from this profession but they were very familiar with the field, so much that they took a page out of Maz’s book and tailored an environment for people just like them that required some much-needed security and could rely on the Continental to ensure their safety or just a chance to breathe and not constantly look over your shoulder. 

That being said, with it being the most reasonable place to stay, Kylo should have known he would have run into a familiar face. But Kylo thinks he would have preferred anyone but fucking Armitage Hux. 

“Ren,” the redhead greets him, taking the empty seat across from him at the small table. 

Kylo acknowledges him with a nod but nothing else, pretending to be invested in something on his phone instead. 

“I heard you and your new partner have been pretty busy,” Hux says with a smirk. “How has that been going?”

Kylo ignores Hux, not in the mood to deal with him. But the man never cared if his companions were in the mood for conversation or not which made him even more detestable to Kylo. 

“I haven’t even seen her yet but I hear she’s cute,” Hux smirks.

Kylo grits his teeth and his fingers tense around the mug. _Who has seen her and who was talking about her in such a way with Hux?_ He doesn't speak these thoughts aloud but his face must betray that anger immediately.

“Whoa, look at you. She must be very cute then,” Hux laughs. “Especially if you think so.”

“Fuck off, Hux.”

“How is she in the field?”

Angry from his comment from before, Kylo’s answer spills out of him, eager to defend her. “She’s the best I’ve ever seen,” he says quickly, eager to defend his partner in any way he can. But perhaps that answer confirms Hux’s claim further. 

“Hmm,” Hux just nods. “How about in bed?”

Kylo glares at the man and his coffee cup was about to shatter under the pressure of his grip. His reaction just makes Hux snort. “Wait, you seriously haven’t slept with her? Fuck, you must really be impotent. I thought Snoke was joking about that.”

“Shut the fuck up, Hux.”

“Seriously, if you’re not going to use her, send her my way.”

“Fuck off!” Ben snaps at him again. “Aren’t you still married?”

Hux groans, rolling his eyes. “Jesus, don’t remind me. That bitch is fucking insane. But I can’t limit myself.”

Right. What was Kylo thinking? Hux doesn't value anything. "Then why the fuck do you bother?” 

“Eh, you know. It’s more in the title than anything else. Plus we’ve got that kid,” Hux rolls his eyes. “Total shit head. And I don’t care how red his hair is, the older he gets, the less I think he’s mine.”

Kylo rolls his eyes then. 

Hux was a good five or so years older than Kylo was. He had been working at the First Order longer than Kylo but when the man was in his earlier twenties, a job of his got a little dramatic. 

Hux went to Russia for a job to eliminate a distant Hutt relative that was leading a sub facet of the Russian mob. But instead, he slept with the guy’s daughter and got her pregnant. He got sloppy and when he tried to flee, Zero’s guys apprehended him and gave him the choice that he could either marry Darya Hutt or they could cut his testicles off.

So, Hux married her. But they were far from being a happy or healthy couple. They had a son, probably around ten years old by now. Kylo can never remember the kid's name but it was just as pompous as Hux's first name, _Armitage._

But Hux hardly spends time with his family even though they moved to the States to be with him. Hux was devoted to keeping busy, always trying to one-up Kylo and prove to Snoke that he was the best. 

But he wasn’t, so Hux constantly indulged in women, drugs, and who knows what else to help him cope with that fact. And it was this kind of behavior that made Snoke think of Hux as a joke because more often than not he thinks with his groin. 

Which seemed to be what Snoke admired about Kylo Ren. Kylo had no desires or wants or temptations. He did his job cleanly and unemotionally. But that seems to be changing the more he’s around Kira. His earlier fears of having to kill her returning to his mind. 

He tries to push it away for now.

“If he’s a shit head he’s definitely yours,” Ben bites out.

“Mmm, has spending time around a woman made you this bitchy? You never talk this much.”

“God, you’re such a prick.”

His phone vibrates then and he looks to see it’s a text from Kira. 

_Done,_ she says. 

He smirks, quickly trying to respond. _Coming._

“What the fuck are you smiling about?” Hux asks way too loudly. “Wait, is that from her?” he asks with a chuckle. “Holy shit, you’re obsessed with her.”

“Hux,” Kylo says tensely as he stands up, setting some money and a tip on the table. “Next time I see you on open ground I’m going to break your goddamn nose.”

He briskly turns away before Hux could make another comment but he hears him snicker and Kylo just has to walk away or else he’ll go ballistic. He waits until he’s in the car that he curses out in frustration. “Fucking asshole,” he mutters before putting the car in drive, trying to calm himself a bit as he makes his way back to Vanar’s where Kira was.

But Hux’s words echo in his head. 

He wasn’t obsessed with her, he tells himself. He just admires her. She’s easy to admire. That doesn’t mean he’s obsessed with her. Even if all day he had been frequently checking his phone to see if she had texted him.

He’s gotten to a point where he’s not actively trying to pry information out of her for anything because...well, he rather likes their conversations. He doesn’t know how he let himself get so terrified of talking. He’s talked more in these past few weeks than he had in the last year. 

But Kira was just easy to talk to. 

He knows they’re both intentionally steering away from more personal topics but it’s still casual and light in a way Kylo didn’t think anything in his life could be anymore. 

So he’s already picked out a place for dinner they could go to. That’s when they usually talked and he was getting hungry again. He smiles to himself, knowing Kira was probably starving. For someone as thin as her, she definitely had an appetite. Just thinking about her helped him forget how annoying Hux had been.

He pulls up to Vanar’s. As much as Kylo valued the garments made, the man could be a real pretentious prick and he's almost looking forward to Kira's impending annoyance with the tailor because he found he quite liked teasing her and he doesn’t really know why. Maybe it’s because now she tried to hide her smile before she swatted him on the arm and told him pointedly to ‘shut up’ which was oddly rewarding in itself and again, Kylo wasn’t sure why.

He pops the trunk and gets out to assist the two or three people that come out with bags and boxes. They tell him that there were a few things that wouldn’t be ready until the morning but they could deliver it to the hotel. 

But then his attention falls through when he sees her walk out. 

His mouth must be hanging open as he sees her stroll out in a black suit, fitted to her body perfectly. The material doesn’t look too different from his own suit. The only difference was whereas he wears either a black or white dress shirt with a tie, she didn’t have anything underneath. At least nothing visible. There’s a striking amount of skin showing, traveling down to her sternum. 

She looks mature. She looks deadly. She looks professional.

Kylo finds that he’s holding his breath as he takes her in. He’s not sure what he expected but suddenly he regrets bringing her here all together because it’s like a truck has crashed into his brain and finally made him admit to himself what he’s been trying to deny.

_She’s beautiful._

He’s known since the day he met her that she was attractive. He confronted that more completely that night she dressed up a little in San Francisco. But overall he’s been able to hold it back and ignore it. 

But now it’s suddenly much harder to not notice.

He sees her give Jari’kyn a hug goodbye before she finally turns for him and he kicks himself not to act like an idiot and stare at her like some creep. Instead, he opens the car door for her and watches at the hypnotic sway of her hair. He never paid that much attention to her hair but it looked so soft.

He tells himself to get a grip as he rounds the front of the car to get in on his side, trying to think of something to say once he’s alone with her. But as soon as he slides into the driver’s seat and closes the door, she rips into him. “You couldn’t have warned me that your tailor is a contentious fuck head?”

He bursts out laughing, his nervous energy evaporating. He puts the car into drive. “Yeah, Vanar is a real sweetheart.”

Kira shakes her head, “If Jari’kyn wasn’t as nice and patient as she was I would have walked out of there.”

“Yeah, well, Vanar is a little...eccentric.”

“That’s one word for it. I can appreciate that he’s good with menswear but clearly, when it comes to women, he’s such and asshole. You should have seen some of the shit he expected me to wear. It was ridiculous. These slinky little dresses. Not practical at all. Talzin would have slapped me if she saw me in any of them,” she laughs then.

Kylo gulps. He _doesn’t_ think he should have seen those. The grounds of what Talzin considered scandalous was if nipples were evident through a leotard so his imagination runs as he thinks of what Kira must have been wearing. 

_Get a hold of yourself!_

“Well, this seems nice,” he says casually, nodding to her current attire. “Looks comfortable.”

“Yeah?” she asks and he nods, looking to the road. “Thanks. I thought you might be annoyed actually.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m copying you,” she laughs. “You know, dark black suit?” she gestures to his own suit and then back to hers. “I’ve been practicing my brooding glare so we can be twins.” Kylo laughs out as she gives an irritated scowl in his direction. “Don’t laugh. I’ve been working hard.”

“Yeah, well does brooding practice give you an appetite?”

“I’m starving.”

* * *

Kylo leaves her at their table to get them some drinks. But as he waits for their bourbon, he finds himself looking back at Kira. She has a small smile on her face as she looks around, taking in her surroundings. He can tell she hasn’t been many places before because almost everywhere they’ve gone together, he’ll catch her stalling in a few areas to just take a place in. 

As dubious as he was to accept it at first, he knows he likes her. There was something magnetic about her. Something he’s never felt with another person before. 

That’s been slightly terrifying. Because he had made the decision long ago, to just abandon his emotions altogether. It was practical for his career, but maybe not always feasible. He still finds himself occasionally grieving over things he’s done late at night when he’s alone and he’s had too much to drink. 

That’s why he’s always distanced himself from getting attached to anything. And through that method, maybe that’s why he’s also been a subject for insult from his boss. Kylo thinks back to when Snoke first told him that he would have to take on a partner and Snoke had teased him about his inability to seduce women. Hell, even Hux had made fun of him for it earlier that day.

As irksome as that was, they weren’t wrong. 

It’s not that he wasn’t immune to finding people attractive but he just didn’t find it interesting to pursue someone when it required a level of passiveness that he didn’t have. He’s seen his colleagues go through partners like wildfire, never sleeping with the same person twice and not letting it get to them. And that was fine. That worked for some people. But Kylo has always felt a little uncomfortable with the concept. 

Kylo never wanted to just give in and fall into bed with someone to just try to forget it ever happened. He used to think about it a lot when he was a little younger, about finding someone he could trust and value such an intimate experience with. But he quickly learned that it was another thing that was just not possible for someone like him. An honest and actual relationship wasn’t practical which is why he accidentally fell into a similar lifestyle as his loathsome uncle. Celibate and lonely. 

And at twenty-nine, Kylo figured by now, if he were to just give in and get it over with, it would only make it worse and he would probably feel even further embarrassed because of how inexperienced he is. 

The incident with that Bazine woman in San Francisco wasn’t too different from how most of his encounters go with women that try to spark some form of interest in him. 

He was better off alone in every meaning of the word and he had made his peace with that. 

But then he got a partner and he could just about punch himself in the face for thinking about her in such a way. He got so mad when Hux had asked how Kira was in bed. Because it was a thought that Kylo had managed to keep at bay because that was extremely inappropriate. But Hux just blurted it out and it was maddening. Hux didn’t even know what she looked like and he was already trying to think of her like that. It was infuriating and upsetting to Kylo that Hux would only consider her valuable or worth his time if Kylo had actually answered his question. And just because he works closely with her, Hux expected him to have slept with her by now. 

She was his partner. And he felt a very strong urge to protect her, even from Hux’s foul intentions. 

Kylo tells himself that just because they are capable of having a conversation, and that they are technically friends, and that they spend almost all their time together didn’t really mean anything. He tells himself that it was natural to latch onto her because he was just a lonely bastard that forgot what it was like to be with other people at all.

 _That’s all it was._ They were partners and even then, he was only with her because she was suspected of dangerous intentions towards his boss. He had to stay focused and alert. She was still, in the most basic sense, an assignment and he had to act like it. 

But that was getting harder and harder to tell himself. Because he finds himself just watching as she observes the world around her, admiring how she can look so young and carefree despite the heaviness of their work. She still found the good in things. She stopped to smell the flowers, almost literally.

It made him stop and look around too, wondering what could possibly be catching her attention. It was something he hadn’t done in a long time but it made him feel like he was seeing the world for the first time too. He was so used to keeping his head down but now he had a reason to look up because it wasn’t just his back he had to look out for, it was hers as well. 

And then he looks to her now and she just looked so beautiful.

He really had to get a hold of himself. Terror strikes him more than ever at the thought that she could actually be working against the First Order and then he would have to carry out what he was tasked to do.

He would have to kill her. 

Usually, he had no qualms about that. But usually, he didn’t know these people. And that was his rule. But he was told to get closer to her and he thinks this must all boil down to Snoke purposely doing this. Snoke still taunts him at times, mentioning his father and knowing exactly what it does to him. Because even after all this time, it still breaks him. 

And this was Snoke testing him. To see if he would do it again. 

So all Kylo could hope for was that she’s not what they think her to be. That Kira is really just a young woman who just left school and got unlucky because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time and some other student was jealous and tried to make her out to be something she wasn’t. 

Because he’s decided that he likes her as his partner...and he wants it to stay that way. God, he really needs a drink.

“Sorry, sir. We’re a bit busy tonight. I’ll get you those bourbons now,” the bartender says.

“It’s alright,” Kylo says, not entirely sure how long he had been standing there anyway. He had zoned out.

“How are you finding Valencia, sir?” the bartender asks. 

“Lovely, thank you.”

“And how about your wife? Is she enjoying it too?” he asks, nodding to Kira over Kylo’s shoulder.

Kylo’s mouth hangs open, nearly shaking his head. “Oh, uh. She’s…” he turns around to where Kira was sitting alone at their table, her head bobbing to the music around her. His words hanging in the air. 

_She’s not my wife._

_I just work with her._

_We’re just friends._

_We’re just here for a few days to kill some people._

The excuses die on his tongue and instead, he just finds himself answering simply. “She loves it.”

The man nods, not aware of the lie that it was but for a moment he could pretend that it was that simple. Any one of these people looking at them in passing could think they were some couple on a vacation. That it was natural for anyone to think that he could be with someone like her. That maybe, because of the way they are dressed they had respectable jobs in business and that they were stylish and content. 

And maybe he could pretend like he hadn’t killed more people than he could count. That he wasn’t basically owned by the First Order and that he didn’t have their marks inked into his skin. That Kira could have had a normal childhood with her parents and she had gone to a normal school like she must have dreamed about. That maybe they really did just lose sight of her the day she just got lost as she tells herself even though Kylo knows that’s not true. 

But it was tempting to just exist in that safe little bubble for as long as he can because it seemed so much better than the deal they did get. But that was out of his control. That was an illusion. At the end of the day, his tattoos weren’t going anywhere. Kira’s brand was there forever. Her family didn’t want her. Kylo didn’t want his family. 

Although, now it’s a matter of what he deserves. He doesn’t _deserve_ his family. He couldn’t even if he wanted to. 

Because Han Solo was dead and he was responsible. 

He’s a bundle of emotions by the time he gets back to their table and she’s eaten almost all the chips. 

He passes her one of the glasses and she thanks him but sets it aside instead of taking a sip. She’s still fixated on the music playing and the people dancing in the courtyard. 

He had just gotten up to go to the bar and was gone for less than five minutes but he feels like his brain has gone through the wringer and his chest was doing somersaults because as liberating as some thoughts and fantasies might feel, the reality was always like a bucket of cold water. It was like remembering that wherever he went, his hands were always tied behind his back. 

So much of this was starting to become more clear and harder to ignore since Kira became his partner.

But as he watches her wonderment of their surroundings, a stark contrast to her stealth and precision when they work, he wonders how he could think anything else. She was an enigma but she was mesmerizing. 

And she was making him feel like a person. Like he was still a human being and maybe not as much of a monster as he had convinced himself to be. 

When she taps his arm, pointing to some of the dancers in amazement, her touch lingers and it’s all he thinks about for the rest of the evening. 

* * *

The next day they are both ducked behind bushes. It’s sweltering and they are practically in the jungle, trying to ignore the bugs that buzz around them as they try to get a better view of the men guarding the gates. They have big automatic rifles and tattoos on the sides of their heads. 

Kira was hunched beside him, her hair up in a bun. Fly away strands stuck to her neck.

He tries not to look at her though. He has to focus. “There’s two here but we know there’s at least a dozen more inside,” he whispers. 

“Right.”

“Enneb will probably be more central to the house, but on the off chance he’s in his pool or something we should split up. Signal me if there’s a problem,” he says holding up the walkie talkie.

“I know,” she says impatiently, but he can see her smirk. “We already talked about this.”

“Right...sorry,” he shakes his head. He had already said that, hadn’t he? “Uhh, let’s wait until after the third guard doing perimeter goes around again.”

She nods before stretching her neck a little. “Sounds good.”

They waited until their window presented itself before they seized the guards, silencing them before they could reveal the house was under attack.

Their target in Spain was Sarkin Enneb. He was a very mouthy contact of Crimson Dawn. A competitor to the First Order that Snoke was committed to snuffing out entirely. He absolutely hated Maul and his umbrella of followers. That was really the main reason there was a contract for his head and likely had little to do with his speculated involvement in active drug trafficking rings. 

They separated to get through the guards of the house. He can’t see her but he knows she can handle herself. 

But their presence isn’t looked over much longer as a large man suddenly shouts out, alerting the rest of the house and charges for him and tries to tackle him to the ground. Kylo shoots him but then an onslaught of other men race for him.

Kylo sighs, wishing he could have avoided this but at this point in his career this is nothing but a minor roadblock. He expels his bullets in a matter of seconds before he reaches behind him for his next weapon and does the same.

These men aren’t well trained, he realizes, and there’s no reason to exert more energy than he has to. 

But then he hears a flurry of bullets echo through the house and immediately he panics, wondering where Kira is. 

He clicks the button on the walkie talkie as he finishes off the guards downstairs.

“Upstairs,” she grits out through the speaker and quickly he reroutes, trying to make his way up. Having stolen a gun from one of the guards once he was empty. 

His heart pounds and he thinks they shouldn’t have separated, thinking the worst. There were more guards than he thought there would be. Unskilled maybe but when there were just two of them maybe they should have planned better. As advanced as she seemed to be, maybe he was pushing her into things too fast and he should be setting a smarter example. He knows he was being distracted.

Kylo finds dead bodies littering the hallways. A sign of Kira's ruthless path. But there is a trail of blood that guides him further along. “Kira,” he breathes out but he doesn’t mean to. It seems eerily quiet up here and he doesn’t like what it implies.

But then a scream followed immediately by loud crash comes from behind a set of double doors and Kylo is quick to chase it down. He kicks his way through, pointing his gun at the ready but he sees Enneb face down in the glass shatters of what must have been a coffee table and blood is pooling quickly from his body. 

And then Kira, panting and sweaty above him with a bloody arm and marks around her throat like she had been strangled. He rushes for her. 

“Are you okay?” he asks quickly, reaching for her. She doesn’t answer. “Are you okay?” he asks more firmly.

“I’m fine,” she snaps. Her voice was hoarse.

He sighs, taking a look for himself, leaning slightly to look at her neck. "Did he do this to you?” he asks, nodding back to Enneb. He feels murderous but the guy is already dead.

“It doesn’t matter,” she tries to pull away. 

He shakes his head. They would have to discuss this later. “Come on, we got to get out of here,” he tells her. He doesn’t even mean to but he realizes a few seconds later that he’s grabbed her hand and pulled her along with him. And he thinks he only notices it because he feels her fingers squeeze his. 

* * *

Kylo is frazzled but Kira seems rather passive about things, even if she was the one that was bleeding.

She said she was alright, he kept asking her all the way back. But for once she was quiet and Kylo thinks he knows why. 

It’s the first time she’s been more than minorly wounded on a job and she might be embarrassed. When he was starting off, he was so ashamed when he got shot for the first time but he was too proud to call for a Doc for a good twelve hours because he was trying to deny the pain and deal with it himself. And Kira might be inclined to behave the same. After all, some of the first words they had said to each other were in regard to her pain. When he had asked her if her back hurt and she wouldn’t give him a direct answer even though he couldn’t imagine how much it must have burned. 

He told the front desk to send a doctor up but the concierge said the physician was preoccupied tending to Mr. Hux but he could come to visit them in a little while. Kira insisted she didn’t need a doctor though and honestly it was trying Kylo’s patience.

He pulls her into his room. “I don’t need to be looked at," she tells him again.

“Sit down,” he told her, pointing to the chair at the small table. 

“I said I was fine!”

“Will you just sit down, please, and let me clean it at least?” 

Kira huffs as she seems to give in and sink to the chair. He doesn’t waste any time as he’s not sure how long she’ll cooperate with him so he quickly grabs a first aid kit he kept in his suitcase and some wet towels from the bathroom.

By the time he returns to the table she has peeled off her shirt with the longer sleeves until she was just in a thin camisole and trying to inspect her arm as well as she can with an awkward angle.

He pulls a chair up next to her, laying out the contents of the kit.

On her right bicep was an odd-looking wound from what must have been some exotic kind of sword because it left an odd but admittedly interesting design in her skin. 

“Does it hurt?” he asks her.

She shakes her head no, avoiding his eyes and confirming his suspicions. She was embarrassed. 

“Let me see.”

“I can do it myself,” she insists, nearly snagging the rag from his arm but he catches her wrist. 

“Stop moving! Just let me help you,” he begs her but his tone is more demanding than he’s been with her since that first week they were partnered up. She doesn’t say anything but she doesn’t get up and leave either so he gently tries to reach for her which she allows and tries to clean the wound. He scoots closer, trying to be gentle around the area that must be sensitive. As he clears away the blood, the wound itself seems pretty shallow and he didn’t think she would need stitches after all. 

“Seems okay,” he tells her quietly. 

“I told you,” she says under her breath. 

He sighs, squeezing out the rag before going over it again. “I’m just trying to be cautious.”

She doesn’t say anything, but the tension in her shoulders goes down once she seems to accept his help and relax a little. 

“Have you ever been shot before?” he asks her softly.

“No,” she answers quietly but her face looks to his. “You have?”

It wasn’t so much a question because it sounds like she knows the answer already but it’s more like an outreach to see if he’s willing to share. 

He finds himself nodding, his voice soft as he gently coats the wound with the ointment with his fingers. “The first time was when I had just started with the First Order...I was just a little older than you but overly eager to prove myself. I got myself shot in my side and I was so embarrassed that I didn’t call anyone and as trivial as the wound seemed, as it went untreated, the pain only got worse and I honestly don’t even remember making the phone call but by the time I woke up I was stitched up and back on my feet with a very disapproving doctor hovering over me, saying that pride couldn’t save me from blood loss or infection.”

“You’ve always worked for the First Order?” she rasps out as he finishes wrapping her arm. It’s then he realizes just how close they are. He doesn’t think they’ve ever been this close before, he wasn’t sure what to make of it.

He nods. “Well, Burger King wasn’t taking applications.”

She laughs heartily and it’s reward enough to make him forget about how stubborn she’s been. But then it turns into a fit of coughs and she brings her other hand up to gently brush over the now apparent bruises on her throat. Kylo ducks a little, trying to see better. Gently, he reaches up, urging her to lift her chin. It looked more like a wire or a thin belt had been responsible instead of a pair of hands. Like someone snuck up on her from behind and tried to choke her out. 

“Sarkin did this?” he asks again, trying to tamper his rage and the fact that he wasn’t there to stop it.

Kira gives a heavy sigh which was answer enough. “I feel so stupid,” she says quietly.

“You’re not.”

“But...I mean, I should have seen him but I was distracted because of my arm but it’s not even that bad and then he nearly choked me out and if I hadn’t gotten a handle on it I really would have looked like a fool and it’s just…” she lowers her head, trying to hide her face in her free hand. “It’s so fucking embarrassing.”

“Getting scars comes with the job. It happens. Besides, that was my fault. We went in there blinder than we should have and then I agreed to split up. There were more guards than I expected. Maybe Sarkin heard we were coming from one of his own contacts. And anyway, I don’t know why you’re being so hard on yourself. You’re the one that closed the contract and took out the target. You should be proud of yourself. I fell behind on that one.”

She shakes her head. Her eyes almost look watery, like she could cry. It made him freeze, he didn't know what to do. “How the hell is any of this supposed to make me proud of myself?”

Kylo opens his mouth but falls short as he doesn’t have an answer for her. Her words settle heavy on his shoulders though, hearing the defeat audibly said so clearly of which he’s felt for most of his life.

“I...umm,” he starts, shaking his head, unable to find the words. He may not have an answer for her but he wants her to know that he understands. But that’s not what comes out. 

“I’ll get you clean cool towel for your throat,” he says, noting how the first one he brought over was pinkish from the blood. He gets up from the chair, taking the bloody things with him to cast aside as he finds another towel. He turns on the faucet, waiting for the water to get as cool as it can.

As he stands at the sink in the bathroom, he looks back to her huddled at the table and he pales as he sees that for the first time since they’ve been working together, her back and shoulders fully exposed to him. She had discarded her other shirt and her hair was still up and it reveals to him what he had really only speculated on but now sees is real.

The brand on the base of her neck. 

It was one thing to speculate and another to actually see it on her skin. He almost feels sick. 

Slowly, he walks back over with the towel, his eyes unable to break away from her back. He offers her the towel but his voice escapes him. “Kira,” he breathes out.

She looks up at him and sees where his eyes were settled. Instantly she turns in her seat, her free hand coming up to try and cover it as well as she can, reaching behind herself. 

But she deflated a moment later, realizing he’s already seen it and there was no reason to hide it anymore. 

She takes the towel instead and the silence lasts for a long time. Kylo doesn’t know what to say. He has the odd urge to apologize and tell her how sorry he is that her life long teacher would do that to her. And that he, in a way, had let it happen. He had left her in that room knowing she would likely face great pain. But the physical evidence is crippling and he really hates himself. What right does he have to call himself her partner? He was supposed to watch her back and he’s starting to realize how much he’s failing at that. 

At this point of a job, he’d be packing by now and figuring out where he goes from here. 

But right now, he thinks they deserve just some time to breathe, and honestly, he just wants to slow down. He justifies it by saying Kira needed to rest but he knows damn well he’s probably less equipped to travel between the two of them. She seemed to take it all in stride. 

“Why don’t we just clean up and stay here another night. We can get going in the morning.”

She looks at him surprised for a moment before she turns away without another word, walking through the door that connects his room and her room. 

* * *

Hours later, Kylo was practically curled into himself on the sofa. The TV was on and Beetlejuice was playing in Spanish but he wasn’t paying any attention. He couldn’t stop craning his neck down the hallway to see if she had opened her door. He thinks the doctor might have visited her room and that she turned him away but he wasn't sure.

She hasn’t come back out since she stormed in there. He thinks he’s overstepped his boundaries and she’s upset with him. She’s strategically hidden that part of herself for weeks and once she knew he had seen it, he could tell she didn’t know what to do. 

_Her brand._

He wasn’t even entirely sure what it was but he was fairly certain it was the same design that was displayed on the iron sign outside of Dathomir. 

His stomach twists, his fingers sinking into his palms. This girl, she was so young, and already she’s had to be subjected to so much pain. Some of which she won’t even acknowledge. She’s committed to the concept that her parents loved her but it was just another lie. It hurt to think about. He’s no stranger to pain and anguish and most of the time he believes he deserves it but to know Kira feels these things as well, he can’t help but feel as if they are not meant for her. 

Like the pain she feels was meant for him instead but it rerouted at the last minute to her. Probably because he ruins everything he comes into contact with. 

He didn’t want to ruin her. That wasn’t fair. He wants her to feel...good. That was strange. He's never wanted that for someone, not even himself. But he doesn’t ever want her to feel how he does. She didn’t deserve that. But maybe it was too late for that. 

Just then he hears the door that joins their rooms creak open and it makes him spring to his feet. His eyes wide and fists clenching and unclenching. He felt skittish and uneased and unsure if he should pretend she isn’t there or if he should try to comfort her.

No, that seemed stupid. 

But she seems rather oblivious to his inner torment as she walks back in. 

“Could I use that first aid kit one more time?”

“Y-Yeah. Of course. Do you need help?” he asks too quickly. 

“No, it’s okay. I got it,” she says quietly.

He points to the bathroom where he left it on the counter and she stands in there to change the bandages. He has the urge to stand with her and help her anyway but he doesn’t, thinking that might insult her further.

But he still feels useless. “Are you...hungry?” he asks quietly.

She just shrugs but it evolves into a nod a moment later. She was usually hungry. She was tiny, at least compared to him and constantly burning energy. That and the high mental stress of the job was a form of exercise too.

“I can order some dinner,” he offers.

“Is that what you’re having? Room service?”

She won’t accept unless she thinks he’s making them anyway. His appetite was shot after today but he nods anyway, if only that she’ll accept his invitation. “Yeah. Maybe breakfast for dinner. Something simple.”

She gives him one of her smaller but heartwarming smiles. “That sounds nice.”

* * *

It’s unnervingly quiet as they eat their food. It’s not the same as the silence that exists between them sometimes where it seems companionable. This one is weighted with the heaviness of their previous interaction and everything they aren’t saying. 

He really tries to think of something comforting to say but nothing comes. Instead, their utensils hitting the plate is all that really is heard. Kylo doesn’t even really taste the food since he wasn’t hungry in the first place. 

When she’s done, she leaves for her room and he thinks that’s it. She’s leaving but she returns a moment later in the doorway with some cash.

Kylo holds up his hand. “Kira, you don’t have to do that.”

“It’s nothing. Besides, you’ve done me enough favors today.”

“I’m not doing you favors. You’re my partner,” he says, as if that would excuse all the odd feelings that had been stirring in him. It was as simple as that.

“Still…” she says quietly, not looking at him, trying to set the money on the table. “I appreciate it.”

He sits there, watching her. His eyes focused on her back. Her hair was down now and she looks like she’s had a shower. He doesn’t know how long he’s staring at her like that.

“Keep it. Dinner was my treat.”

She nods, smiling softly and it does something to his entire self. Like his chest and his stomach are exchanging places. He tries to look down at his hands, to pretend like he wasn’t watching her but then she catches his attention again anyway. 

“Do you have anything to drink?” she asks quietly.

He can only nod as he stands up and steps back out to the small bar area in the living area. Since he’s been here plenty of time before, Rex always tried to accommodate him more than most so not only was his room larger but it also came pretty well stocked. 

Rey moves to sit on the couch behind him. _Beetlejuice_ (or actually in Spanish it’s called _Beetlejugo_ ) is still playing. Kira sits on the couch, watching it as he gets the glasses. 

“Bourbon?” he asks her.

“Yeah, thanks.”

Recalling something she told him once, he tries to make the air lighter with a joke. “They also have vodka.”

She scoffs. “No vodka.”

He chuckles at her expression before walking back over, passing her the glass. “Why do you hate vodka?” It had the same alcohol content as bourbon so it’s not like she would be opposed for that reason.

She giggles, scooting over so he can sit next to her. “Because that’s practically all we had to drink at school. I’m sick of it.”

“Are you serious?”

She nods, taking a sip. “Talzin said that’s what happened in Russia when she was a girl and it made her stomach strong so she made us all drink it too.”

“Fuck, that woman was a real piece of work.”

“Yeah...and yet she’s working with kids,” Kira says, looking sadly into the glass.

Kyo doesn’t know how to respond to that and the moment passes in silence before she clears her throat and looks up at him again. “How about you?”

“How ‘bout me what?”

“What was your school like?”

Kylo stiffens. “I um…I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

He sighs in defeat. “It wasn’t like Dathomir,” he tells her. “I was never forced to drink vodka or...anything,” he trials off, deciding against to mention the marks on her neck. “But I hated it.”

“Did you go to Chandrila Academy?” she asks. That was a very well known school that a majority of the contenders in their field (at least based in New York) had attended. 

“No,” he admits. “I went to a very private school run by my uncle in California. It wasn’t really meant for _this_ kind of training. It was more like a weird monastery mixed inside a military school. That’s where I get my background in martial arts and my lack of social skills.”

Kira giggles. “You’re not all bad,” she says, nudging him on the arm. “You can talk to me...even if it took you a couple of tries.” 

He laughs, not sure what to say because he’s too happy that he actually agrees with her. 

“That must have been interesting. Your uncle as a teacher.”

“We didn’t exactly get along,” Kylo says lowly, taking a sip of his drink. “But when it came to my family, they never seemed to like me very much. But after a while, I guess they didn’t have much reason to.”

“You mean you don’t speak with them anymore?” Kira asks softly. 

The last time he saw anyone in his family was when he had seen his father...which still haunts him. Because it was the last time anyone had seen Han. 

That was not long after he joined the First Order but before he had gotten his tattoos. It had split him in half but Snoke seemed to think that it was convincing enough to prove how committed he was to his new persona and had arranged to have his marks of honor.

It always felt more like markings of shame and at that point, Kylo felt deserving of anything that reminded him how much he was supposed to hate himself. 

“No...not for years,” he admits quietly, his eyes straying to the TV but not really watching it. He won’t talk to them and they won’t talk to him. It can’t be helped and he honestly doesn’t think he could face his own mother to begin with. 

It gets quiet then and they just sit there together, drinking and watching _Beetlejuice._ He knows she speaks Spanish because he’s heard her speak it beautifully since they’ve arrived here. When she ordered her dinner last night, he could hardly get his brain to focus enough to order his own meal. 

He decides to steer the conversation away from himself, not wanting to discuss his family and instead, forever interested in what she has to say. “How many languages do you know?”

She turns to him, looking at him curiously before she just chuckles. Like she's surprised at the question but also amused by it. “Well, all of the teachers at Dathomir taught their classes in their Native languages, and if you didn’t understand what they were saying you fell behind. So we all had to quickly catch on to a lot of languages from a young age. Obviously, Talzin spoke Russian. But Tamith Kai spoke Japanese. Ventress spoke German when we would learn about weapons combat and French when she was teaching ballet. If anyone spoke English in dance class we would have to fifty fouettes.”

“Fouettes?” Kylo repeats, confused.

“Twirls,” Kira explains. “Fifty is hard enough to stay in one spot and not feel your brain trying to fall out your ears.”

“Jesus,” is all he can say. 

“Other than that, well, Silri always spoke Spanish. Daka preferred to speak English but she was intimidated by the other Nightsisters so she tried to stick to Chinese. I’m not too good at it but I can understand it fairly well. Not to mention that my German is actually pretty embarrassing,” she laughs. “Oh and some friends at school taught me a little Vietnamese.”

“Wow...that’s...a lot.”

She just shrugs. “What about you?”

“Well...I learned Russian, German, Italian, and Spanish too but I was never really good at talking in English so I didn’t exactly stay in practice. I think I can still understand all of them very well but I’m definitely not good at conversation. I keep to minimal answers though anyway. Even in English. At this point though, not a lot of people come to me for socializing. I don’t have to do a lot of talking but that’s changed recently for some reason,” he jokes, pretending to roll his eyes at her.

She nods and he catches the little smile she gives.

He thinks back to the Russian he understood from Talzin that day he met Kira. After another long moment of just the TV making noise, he speaks up.

“When I came to Dathomir, even though I could understand what Talzin was verbally saying...I still felt lost. Admittedly, my mood wasn’t the best that day but I still couldn’t piece it all together until I realized what was happening and she told me to wait outside...and I don’t know why I just went along with it or why I just ignored it altogether. I’m…” he takes a heavy sigh. “I wish I could take that from you.”

Kira goes very quiet then and Kylo could slap himself. He doesn’t know why he sailed into that. Just because he didn’t want to talk about himself doesn’t mean that he discusses things that she likely feels traumatic about.

He’s about to drop it altogether and apologize for bringing it up, but he practically goes catatonic as he looks back over to Kira on the couch and she’s taking her shirt off!

He promptly looks away, unsure of what was happening. 

“Nobody leaves her school without getting it. There was nothing you could have done,” she says and her voice trails away and Kylo looks over again to see that her back was to him and she still had on a thin camisole. It was lighter than her one from earlier but she pulls her hair over her shoulder so he could see the mark.

“Kira…” he breathes out, his brows furrowed as she bares this part of herself to him. Unsure if he was worthy. 

“It’s okay. It’s not going anywhere, I might as well get used to it. I think talking about it helps.”

He sets his drink aside, turning to look at her more completely. He sees it clearly now. He’s closer. He was right from earlier. It was a similar design to the emblem of the school. Odd but symmetrical markings, almost creating a face in the form of a perfect circle. There are no words, but he understands now what it is meant to imply. 

_Nightsisters._

“I had seen them on all my teachers. They didn’t hide them. They were proud of them and wanted everyone to see. But for me...I never really wanted it. It doesn’t feel right, but nothing can be done about it now,” she says sadly. 

Before he loses his nerve, he reaches out, gently running his fingers along the edges of the mark in between her shoulder blades. He hears her gasp at first, at the contact. He stays very still, nearly pulling away, but then he hears her relax and her shoulders sink a bit, a sign that she was at ease. 

“Does it still hurt?” he asks. His voice is as soft as his touch, he’s almost afraid to speak louder. It feels too sacred. 

“It aches sometimes...I was worried it was infected a few weeks ago but I got it sorted. Doctor Erso in New York gave me some burn ointment and it’s healed fine.”

He nods, wishing she could have told him. He could have helped her. But he knows it’s not that simple. He honestly couldn’t believe she was showing him this in the first place. 

His fingers brush over it, feeling the slight rise it gives to her skin. He wishes that just swiping past it could erase it away. 

“I’ve never been branded, but there are things in this life that we can’t change. The First Order knows that too,” he tells her, feeling the need to reciprocate and share himself the way she does. Because it took bravery and courage that he’s not sure he’s ever seen. The courage to be vulnerable and put yourself out in the open. 

She had let him in...and he wants to do the same. 

He reaches for the hem of his own shirt, pulling it over his head and discarding it on the back of the couch like she had done with hers. Her eyes go a little wide in surprise and he bites back his slight embarrassment at being so bold, reminding himself that she wasn’t going to judge him. Kira wasn’t like that. Taking a deep breath, he turns more to his side so she can see the broad expanse of the designs on his own back.

He hears her breath catch then and he grits his teeth, suddenly looking outside himself. The rational, killer part of his brain shouting at him. 

_What the fuck are you doing? Why would you open yourself up to her like this? She would never like you anyway. You’re not supposed to trust anyone! What makes her so special?_

But all those angry and hateful thoughts melt away as he feels her fingers gently brush over his back. 

He shivers a bit, not used to such a light touch, or really any touch at all. Dodging punches and stabs didn’t really count as touch. 

This was decidedly worlds away from anything he’s felt before. Even that tattoo artist that left the designs there had been rough, not to mention armed with a needle that was poking endlessly into his skin.

He feels her trace over the lines, as well as the curve of his spine.

“This is for the First Order?” she asks quietly. 

He nods somberly. 

“So...I’ll have these too, soon enough?” she asks, her hand settled on the middle of his back. Warm and comforting. Her thumb was still brushing softly over his skin. 

Never before has he felt so close to somebody, he thinks as he turns and looks into her eyes. It hurt even further then because he can’t hide from her anymore. The impending truth of his tattoos that would eventually become part of her burden too.

Slowly, he nods and he feels her hand fall away from his back in defeat.

“Not right away though. I didn’t get mine until I was twenty-three,” he says, trying to sound optimistic as he instinctively scoots closer to her, trying to hide his back from view but he knows his arms aren’t helping as they had scatterings of tattoos as well. All of which he tries to ignore. He was nothing but a glimpse into her possible future and he must terrify her. 

Maybe he had made a mistake. He shouldn’t have done this. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have–” he shakes his head. In his attempt to comfort her he just managed to depress her further. “Fuck, I’m sorry. Try not to think about it right now.”

“It’s fine, really,” she tells him. “It’s inevitable anyway.”

“No, it’s not okay. It’s…” he never questioned enough of this before. Maybe because he figured anything shitty that happened to him, he had coming to him. But as he looks at this young woman, he knows that’s not true. She didn’t deserve this. She got one bad deal after another and he doesn’t want to sit back while she gets another one. He cares about her too much. The notion of that is too terrifying to confront so he just accepts that as a fact and for some reason, reaches for her hand. “It shouldn’t have to be like this. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Kira.”

She looks to their hands, squeezing his slightly. He can’t really see her face. He can’t tell what she’s thinking. 

But then she speaks and his heart just about stops.

“Rey…”

“What?”

“My name,” she sighs before correcting herself. “My real name was Rey Johnson. Back when I was living on the street. I would repeat it to myself constantly so I wouldn’t forget it. But when Ventress found me on Niima street and brought me to Dathomir that changed.”

“To _Kira Niima_ ,” Kylo understands suddenly. 

She nods. “They said my name was too masculine and too simple...so Talzin changed it, telling me to leave my old name behind. But I made all my friends at school call me Rey in secret anyway. I’ve never connected to Kira. It sounds wrong...And I figured, if we really are friends, you should know my real name.”

“Rey,” he tries out. “I like that.”

She smiles. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “It suits you better anyway.”

“Thank you,” she says, her eyes looking glassy again but she has a small smile on her lips. 

She looks so much happier just then. Like a weight has been lifted off of her. Like talking about it made it that easy and damn it, he finds himself chasing after that too. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Rey Johnson…” he says, just brushing his thumb past her knuckles of the hand he was already holding instead of shaking it properly. And then, his voice impossibly soft, he tells her a truth he has not audibly acknowledged in almost a decade.

“My name is Ben Solo.”

This was dangerous. This went against everything he’s conditioned himself to believe as well as all the unspoken rules that people in their line of work are expected to follow.

Rules that people like Hux would follow. Never give your real name. Don’t ever open up to anyone about anything remotely personal. If you’re looking for company, find someone unassumingthat captures your interest. Lure them in with a fake name and get it out of your system.

But Kylo never was good at following the rules. And he didn’t care about what he should be doing, or what was smart, or what was expected of him. Because suddenly, all he cares about is that she’s looking at him with red teary eyes and a shaky smile as she says the name he had long ago forsaken. 

A name he hasn’t heard since the day his father was killed.

“Ben…” she grins at him. She looks at him differently. As if she’s pretending she’s looking at him for the first time and it makes her smile so beautiful that it seems too precious to be for him. But it was.

He takes in a lung full of air as he starts to feel a swirling in his chest. An internal storm he’s felt coming but could never expect the magnitude of. His feelings for Kira...for _Rey!_ Her name is Rey.

He feels something he wasn’t even sure he could feel. Because he’s never felt it before so how could he be sure? How could he possibly know that’s what it is? Maybe he was just putting his confusing feelings under an umbrella of something that would make sense. 

_Love._

He wasn’t capable of that. He’s certain of that, so it couldn’t be what it is. That was irrational. Irresponsible. And if he was observing all of this outside himself, he would think it was just downright childish. 

“Suits you better anyway,” she says with a soft voice that just about kills him and makes all his doubtful and insisting reasonings evaporate and just let him believe for a moment that it wasn’t so impossible. Like the night before when the bartender has assumed she was his wife and for a moment he could just live in a world where what he felt was real. That he was capable of such an emotion. 

Because it would let him give in and convince himself that it made sense.

It’s why he feels the way he does with her. It’s why he’s told her things he’s told himself to forget. Why he felt the need to show her a part of himself of which he feels the most shame in hopes that she could see she was not alone. And she just makes him feel alive...which after feeling numb for so long is like waking up for the first time in years.

He loves her…

_Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben/Kylo's six stages of realizing he's in love with Rey:
> 
> Stage 1: "Wait, omg, wait."  
>   
>    
> Stage 2: "no, lol, I have no feelings."  
> 
> 
> Stage 3: "Fuck, wait. I actually have a lot of feelings tho."  
> 
> 
> Stage 4: "omg, I dooo!"  
> 
> 
> Stage 5: *long sigh* "Fuck"  
> 
> 
> Stage 6: "I'm in love with Rey whatever her name is."  
> 
> 
> Okay, sorry, I've been wanting to do that ever since I saw these pictures. Keanu is just soft, okay?  
> Anyways, lot's of info
> 
> Vanar was Mara Jade's wedding dress designer in a comic I've never read but found on Wookieepedia and the bastard is really into slinky dresses but has the audacity to look and dress like this  
>   
> But Jari'kyn is his ex-assistant or something and ends up actually making Mara's dress. The more you know.
> 
> Sarkin Enneb was the guy that bought Qi'ra from Proxima and then sold her to Crimson Dawn so he's supposed to be bad. 
> 
> Since canon Ben and Rey fell fast I see it plausible enough that these two open up to each other pretty quickly even if it's been like three weeks that they've been partners and they are basically programmed to not trust people. 
> 
> And I just love a soft Ben. Even when he's supposed to be an international assassin he's got to be soft. He's not Ben if he's not soft™ which means he's also a virgin bc I don't care what universe we're in, that's just how it is. Another small chunk of canon that I accept wholeheartedly. Sorry, I don't make the rules. 
> 
> Also, they sat on the couch and watched Beetlejuice and they inevitably name their first child Lydia...coincidence? Nah 
> 
> (in case u didn't notice Winona and Keanu are my forever icons)
> 
> Anyways, I know this one was long and even then I probably forgot something because my brain is just fried this year but whatever. I hope you enjoyed this chapter hee hee. These notes seriously make me sound insane but whatever, you can ignore them.


	7. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back with the fam

Lydia loved her parents. 

She knew their favorite foods. Their favorite songs and movies. She knew her dad’s favorite color was red and that her mom’s was green. She knew they had worked together in the past as bodyguards but that was about as much detail as she had on the subject. She could always tell there’s plenty more to the story but talking about the past seemed to have a heavy effect on her parents.

Which is why Lydia got really nervous when she was assigned her family history project, to be completed with pictures and records and a presentation in front of the rest of the class. 

Lydia's friends at school had cousins and uncles and aunts and grandparents and even great-grandparents.

Aside from Uncle Lando, it seemed like they didn’t have any further family than that. And Lando was more like an honorary uncle anyway, not a blood relative. Lando was also her biggest source for answers as he was close friends with her late grandparents and had seen her father grow up. 

Lydia only vaguely remembers her grandmother. Her father’s mother, Leia. She was really young when she passed away but Lydia remembers how it affected her parents. Theo doesn’t remember her at all, he was practically still a baby. 

But their father had been so devastated. And Lydia remembers her own mother saying at the funeral, “Leia was the mother I never had.”

However, in regards to Han, her grandfather that she’s only seen pictures of, she can tell something was different.

At any mention of the man’s name, Lydia’s father seems to recoil or go pale and it’s an odd trance only her mother can break as she’ll hold him and run her fingers through his hair until he’s back to normal.

She knew Han had died untimely but the most she is ever told was it was a car accident. 

Maybe that’s why her father was so unsettled by it. He had a large scar that bisected his face, supposedly from a car accident. Perhaps he had been in the same accident as his father only Han didn’t make it. That might explain why he feels so strongly about it.

But then there was her mother.

Lydia knew her mother was an orphan and that she grew up without a family of her own. Lydia couldn’t even imagine it. It sounded so scary to grow up without a family. And maybe that explained why the oldest picture they had of their mom was after she met dad. And why her dad seemed just as struck about mom's childhood too.

Which was another thing Lydia has thought about. She’s done the math before. Her parents were about ten years apart. And judging how much older Rey was to Lydia, her mother was only twenty when she gave birth to her. 

That seemed significant. But Lydia never said anything. 

Because as much as she can compare the size of her family to other ones, she thinks that her parents got more in love with each other every day. Most of her friends came from divorced families or from homes where the parents were so busy that it was rare to have everyone at the dinner table or something. 

But Lydia’s parents were so family-oriented she doesn’t know how they keep their jobs. Maybe they got a lot done while she was at school. Lydia hardly ever saw them do any work which was strange because their house was huge and obviously things costed money but that was hardly ever a concern of theirs, even if they tried to show her and her siblings that it was important to be grateful for what you have and that it’s important to help when you can. They were constantly donating money to charities or buying groceries for the homeless shelter.

They would drop off their old toys and clothes that didn’t fit anymore to families that needed them more than they did. During the holidays, Lydia loved to pick out things that she could give to the kids that didn’t have anything. It really helped her realize how fortunate she was to live in a home such as theirs and to have parents as loving as her own. 

So even if there were some mysteries about her parents, it didn’t change the fact that she thought they were some of the kindest people and she loved them so much. Because no matter what, they loved her. It was unconditional. 

Still, that didn’t change the fact that she had a big report about her family due in a few weeks and the furthest back she could think of was two grandparents, both of which were long dead.

And they had a heavy impact on her own parents so she would have to wait until the right time to ask further about the past.

Or maybe she could just get Lando to help her. 

* * *

Rey smiles in victory as three sets of hands applaud her once she has their father pinned to the floor. 

“I win.”

Ben huffs against the mat. “This isn’t fair? You’re definitely stronger than usual. Are you sure you’re not pregnant again? ”

“Sorry to disappoint you. Maybe you're just older than usual.”

“Very funny,” he rolls his eyes.

“Mom wins again,” Lydia announces, changing to the score on the whiteboard. Rey gets up, releasing her husband. As much as she enjoyed teasing him about his age since she practically met him, she notices that it’s true.

Ben was definitely getting older.

“Go again! Mom, do that thing where you get him in a headlock and flip him over!” Theo says, using his hands to mimic what she does with her arms when she does such a move

“Oh God no, have mercy,” Ben whispers, cracking his neck.

Rey chuckles under her breath as she looks to the kids. “Let’s give him a break for now. Besides, we’ve gone on for too long. Lydia and Theo, you should go finish your homework.”

“Aww, mom,” Theo whined. “I finished it anyway.”

“Even the fractions?”

Theo gets quiet before smirking and following his sister out of the big room. Rey smiles, watching then go before looking at the time. They still had a little while before dinner, so they didn’t have to be done just yet. So she crouched down to Mae who was doodling what must have been dogs on the whiteboard. 

“Do you want to practice some positions, Mae?”

She instantly spins around and beams. “Uh-huh,” she says, quickly putting the cap on the marker and rushing over to the little cubby box where her ballet slippers were. And she grabs Rey’s pointe shoes as well. 

Rey didn’t wear them every time she practiced with Mae as it was easier to show her to basic stuff just with her bare feet which was more difficult when her toes were hidden in the pointe shoes. But Mae really loved to see her in them so Rey indulges her more often than not.

And it seemed today was one of those days. 

She sits on the floor beside Mae to put them on and she notices Ben was still where she left him on the mat. 

Maybe she went too hard on him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he groans. “I think I pulled something.”

“Did I hurt you?” Rey asks him, starting to get a little concerned.

“No, no,” he says, holding up his hands, finally getting to his feet. “I’m good. Just need to stretch it out a bit,” he explains but she hears his back crack from across the room. 

“You can stretch with us, daddy,” Mae tells him.

Rey smirks at him over Mae’s head. Because she knows he is always unable to resist an offer as sweet as that. 

“Thank you, Mae. I think I will...if mommy doesn’t push me too far,” he says teasingly.

“Well, in that case, Mae, why don’t you lead class today? You can show daddy the right positions.”

Mae is all too excited to do so as she sprouts up from the floor and grabs Ben’s hand, pulling him towards the bar on the side of the wall. “You go here, daddy.”

“I thought we were gonna stretch,” Ben says, looking down at her.

“Positions first,” Mae tells him. “But it’s okay. I'll show you.”

“Oh, okay, thank you,” Ben tells her, but his eyes are still singled in on Rey and she smiles at him as she takes the place behind him at the bar. Mae's head was still way shorter than the bar but she never seemed to mind. Even for her age, Mae was just petite. Especially according to the wall by the door that had all their heights written lovingly in various colors of pens. Mae was still closer in height to where Lydia was at age four. So she had a bit of a reach to hold onto the bar, but like all things, Mae seemed to just adapt to them as best she could.

Rey was so proud of her. They all were. 

“First position, heels together,” Mae explains before looking in the mirror to make sure Ben was doing it right before properly beginning the lesson. 

Mae is an excellent teacher Rey thinks. Especially when she tries to show him the right way.

"No, daddy. Like this," she shows him. "You have to point your toes."

Rey just shakes her head, trying not to laugh. It was adorable. 

* * *

Ben’s always been appreciative of ballet, but never very good at it. Not that he usually applied himself to be as he enjoyed the more observational approach...although that interest mostly existed because his wife was an amazing dancer. 

Ben however was never graced with her unmatched finesse and lightness of foot. They’ve danced and she’s shown him plenty and he’s gotten better. But ballet was always a challenge and it makes him respect it that much more. It was one of the most physically demanding things a person could do. His scatterings of attempts with Rey have proven that. But he rather likes the perspective of Mae teaching him, even if his back is killing him and he would very much like to stretch so he could sit down.

But eventually, they finish the positions at the bar and Ben practically melts back to the floor as Mae says they can stretch now. 

Ben follows their lead and feeling the slight tightness in his back. His face must betray something because as soon as Mae announces they are to move onto twirling, Rey saves him. 

“Why don’t we practice glissades? I think daddy can try pirouettes another day,” Rey explains, winking at him to just sit back and rest.

God, he feels old. He was only forty-two but he thinks that a career as intensive as the one he had for so long would have had some lingering effects on his body. Most people in their previous profession didn’t live to see thirty unless they retired early as he and Rey did. But most people didn't have their reasons to try. Because getting ut wasn't easy. Everybody knew that which is why very few ever really tried. 

But he and Rey did.

But damn, it was so worth it, he thinks to himself as he watches his wife and daughter laughing as they dance together. 

He should really get up and figure out what they’re going to do for dinner but honestly, he’ll probably just order pizza in a bit because he doesn’t want to get up just yet.

They’ll be done soon anyway.

Rey counts for Mae as she finishes her combo of steps. Ben claps for her as she curtsies as Rey shows her. He had moved to lean against the wall. “Good job, Mae. It was beautiful.”

She beams, gravitating to hug Rey’s legs. “Can you do your _big_ spins now, mommy?”

“Mae,” Rey says with an amused but tired huff. Ben knows that look well. She doesn’t want to but she won’t say no. That’s how he got into a lot of things. Like practicing his ballet positions at the bar.

“Just a few,” Mae begs, fiddling with Rey’s hands. Rey looks to him for assistance but Ben pretends not to notice, siding with his daughter as he rather liked to see Rey’s spins as well. Or...whatever the proper term was.

French was another thing he never picked up on correctly. 

Rey rolls her eyes. “All right. But not too many. I got way too dizzy last time.”

Mae cheers before scattering away to give Rey plenty of space. Coming to sit next to him.

“Alright. Try to count how many, Mae,” Rey tells her as she’s getting her footing right. And then, like she hadn’t already spent the last hour kicking his ass and teaching ballet, she breaks into a series of hypnotic turns as gracefully as she always has. He shakes his head, almost jealous. As old as he seemed to be getting, it didn’t seem to affect Rey.

But Rey was still so young. She always was.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,” Mae claps as she tries to keep up with Rey’s turns. Ben joins her. “Nine, ten, eleven, twelve!”

Rey steadies, ending strong but she gives a slight shake of her head once she’s done. “That’s all for now. I’m too out of practice to do them like I used to.” Rey makes her way over to them, sitting down so she could start to take off her shoes. 

“Mommy is the 'bestest' dancer,” Mae explains to Ben.

Ben chuckles. “I know she is. She’s beautiful at it. You have the best teacher,” he tells her but Rey just rolls her eyes. She never took compliments well. 

But he loved to throw them at her.

“You know, Mae, the first time I saw mommy, she was doing those twirls?”

“Really?” Mae says, her eyes blowing wide in disbelief. 

“Fouettes,” Rey quietly corrects him but he brushes it off. 

“Yeah. She’s always been a natural.”

Rey gives him a look as if to say, _Are you sure you should really be talking about that?_ Because she knows how he gets. But he keeps it simple. 

“She was wearing all white. Her hair was up. She looked so beautiful.” But they couldn’t stand each other, or at least that’s what Ben had told himself at the time. He cringes, thinking about the long silences that they endured when they still knew nothing about each other. When all they knew of each other was that they were meant to be partners. 

But that changed...drastically. 

“And then you got married?” Mae asks him. 

Ben and Rey break into laughter. As if it had been that simple. In Mae’s mind they met, they fell in love, and then got married. That’s how it went in the storybooks so it must have been true for her parents. “Well, not immediately. No,” Ben answers. Mae looks a little disappointed at that. Or maybe confused. He mentioned Rey had been wearing white so maybe that had done it. Ben tries to remedy it quickly. 

“But I did know, right when I met her that my life would never be the same again,” he says and he catches the smirk from his wife. “And I didn’t want it to be, because soon enough, when I wisened up a bit, I realized how much I loved her and she loved me...so then eventually we did get married,” he tells her, smiling at the thought. 

When he explains it like that it sounds so romantic...and maybe a little simple. Like they were coworkers at some office or he had seen her in a ballet performance and he was part of an audience or some other kind of plot that would have been from a movie. 

They would have gone on real dates. He would have bought her a ring and carried it around until he had enough nerve to ask her. They would have had some big wedding and invited everyone they knew. Maybe they could have gotten Lando to walk her down the aisle. It might have looked like something out of a storybook. 

And maybe the reality of it all was out of a storybook too, just an extremely different genre. 

As beautiful as their rather impromptu wedding had been, it was surrounded in a world of fear that he hopes none of his children would ever have to face. But the unparalleled fear was because, for the first time in his life, he had so much to lose. As in love as they were, it didn't stop them from being scared.

Sometimes Ben still can’t believe how they pulled it all off. 

“And then you had Lydia?” Mae asks like she’s trying to piece the story together where she can. 

“Yeah…” Ben smiles. He likes Mae’s version. It focused on the good. “We got to meet your sister and start a family and find a nice home and...it was perfect. And I don’t think I had any idea that all could have been in store for me when I saw your mom doing twirls on that stage.”

“Fouettes,” Rey says again with a chuckle.

“Right. 'Foot-ayes,'” Ben says, not trying as hard as he could to say it correctly but Rey’s amusement is too enjoyable to pass up. 

* * *

Rey was brushing her teeth, watching as Ben makes his way to bed, rolling his shoulders stiffly. 

She spits into the sink before she calls to him. “Alright, that’s it. Sit at the end of the bed,” she tells him, waving to the foot of their bed. She was worried he had really hurt himself. Or rather, that _she_ had hurt him. 

He does as she asks and she comes up behind him. “Tell me where.”

He tries to point to show her. “Kind of between the bottom of my left shoulder blade and my spine,” he explains.

“Here?” Rey asks, her fingers pressing into his skin.

He hums, “Maybe a little higher.”

Rey presses her thumbs a little higher and instantly he hisses a little. “Yeah, there.”

Rey smirks, shaking her head. "I don't think we should spar for a while."

"No, I'm fine."

"Ben, I don't want to spar in front of the kids if I just keep hurting you. That's not the kind of message I want to give them. It's to show them problem-solving not that I'm trying to kick your ass."

"I don't mind."

"Ben," she nudges him.

"Kidding. Sorry. Yes, I agree."

As she sits behind him, trying to massage his back and overly amused at his noises of discomfort and relief, she finds herself transported back to that hotel room in Spain where the marks on his back and his arms were first revealed to her. She still can’t believe how open they had been to each other then. But Rey thinks it’s because even then, they already knew that what they shared was different.

They both felt it.

She looks over these marks with a heavy heart. Even when he first showed them to her, she could tell he didn’t want her to ever get them. And he made sure of it. But just because he spared her from getting them didn’t mean it made his that much lighter.

“Ben?”

“Hmm,” he groans, leaning closer to her to try and increase the pressure of her touch. 

“Have you thought any more about that laser removal place we looked at?” she asks him softly.

She hears him sigh as he takes her meaning. A few months ago they had looked into a place that specialized in tattoo removal that Cassian told them about. A very professional place that had impressive results. Rey had done some research and asked Ben if he wanted to make an appointment for him, just to get an opinion on what that entailed. But Ben has told her he would think about it and Rey was a little surprised if she was being honest. 

He didn’t like his tattoos and she always figured he would jump at such a chance. If she were him, she would do it. But she wouldn’t pressure him, she just wanted him to know he had options.

“Yeah...I have,” he says finally.

“What do you think?”

He shrugs and her fingers slow their movements as if that would make her hear him better. “Rey, I’d just feel guilty,” he says eventually.

“Guilty?” she repeats confused. “They _made you_ get these. You didn’t want them. Why should you feel guilty?” she asks him, running her fingers through his hair. 

“It’s not like you could get yours removed,” he says sadly. “It doesn’t seem fair that you would have to live with yours and I could get rid of mine.”

“Ben–”

“I know,” he says, anticipating what she would say. “I know...but in my mind, that’s how I see it. I would feel wrong if I could just find a way to erase them when you can’t do the same.”

She moves so that he has to look at her and he turns to face her more completely, his face suddenly sullen.

She tries to think of what to say. It’s been so many times they’ve discussed this and she’s tried endlessly to convince him not to feel responsible, but he did. That was something Ben always did. He took this pressure on himself where it’s like he tried to find things to blame himself for and her brand was one of them. 

She’s made who knows how many speeches to him over the years but no amount of her words seem to lessen the grief for him. But she knows that he sees the back of her neck more than she does. Just as she sees his back more than he does.

It seems there’s nothing she can say to make him stop blaming himself. She wishes she could. She wishes he would understand, then maybe he would allow himself the chance to consider such a thing as getting his tattoos removed or at the very least understand that he can not be held accountable for her own scars. 

But this was Ben. She knew if that day ever came it wouldn’t be soon. 

Ben clears his throat a bit before he continues. “Besides...Snoke only thought I was truly worthy of them after I–” Ben stops himself before he can say it. “All I’m saying is...maybe I don’t deserve to have them taken away. I don’t deserve to forget what I did and just pretend like it never happened. I’ll never forget.”

Rey understands, moving to wrap her arms around him and he pulls her into his lap, burying his face in her neck.

He’s quiet for a moment but she can tell when he starts crying and she clings to him.

“Ben, your father would be so proud of you.”

He sniffles against her collar. Rey runs her hands over his hair. It’s moments like these that she misses Leia the most. His mother could always assure him that was true. Han would be so happy for his son if he could see him now.

But much like Rey’s earlier thoughts, there are some things that Ben will never let himself move on from. 

Han was one of them. 

* * *

Lydia got up to go to the bathroom. She had been laying down but she hasn’t fallen asleep yet. As she’s walking back from the bathroom, she hears her parents talking in their bedroom and their lights are still on. The door is mostly closed but a sliver of light makes it way into the hallway and as Lydia tiptoes past she can make out the shape of them sitting on the bed. 

She’s ready to turn away and pretend she didn’t see anything. Lydia was the oldest and she’s in seventh grade so it’s no great mystery to her what her parents might do in their bedroom at night but she prefers not to think about that. 

But it was the strange noise that gave her pause and made her take another glance.

Her mom is practically cradling her father who was...crying. 

Lydia’s heart jumps to her throat. It was extremely rare to see her father cry and for a moment she wars with herself, wondering if she should announce herself and join her mother in hugging him. But she stays back.

She remembers seeing him teary-eyed when her siblings were born, or when Mae heard all of them for the first time, or when Lydia won the science fair and she noticed how his eyes were glassy. He had been so proud. 

But these tears looked different. He seemed so sad. And her mother, who always seemed to know how to comfort him, just held him close. She does remember him being upset when his mom passed away but she doesn't remember seeing him cry like this. She was pretty young though and if he did cry like this then she probably would have been asleep like Theo or Mae.

But then, very quietly Lydia hears her mother say, “Ben, your father would be so proud of you.”

_His father. Han Solo._

A man Lydia has only ever seen in pictures but she knows would have been her grandfather. Or he still was he just never got to have the role. 

“Rey, you weren’t there,” her dad croaks out. “The look on his face when…” he shakes his head, unable to say anything more. Only then does Rey get up and Lydia watches as they scoot closer to her nightstand where the tissues were. They sit side by side, their backs facing Lydia. She gets a full view of her father’s back then. She’s seen his tattoos before but it was clear that he didn’t like to show them. 

For a while, Lydia used to think maybe it’s because they were inappropriate or had profanity or something. There's a kid at her school that brags about his uncle having the words 'Fuck You' in cursive tattooed on his chest. But Lydia always doubted her dad would have something like that.

But the more she's caught glimpses of them over the years, she realizes they’re just these odd but intricate designs, riddled with words in some other language she doesn’t dare try to google in case it shows up in the search history. 

But they didn’t seem that bad. They were actually really cool. Clearly, a lot of artistry went into them. But even when they would go swimming, dad wore one of those sleeved swimming shirts.

“Your father would not want you to feel like this. Your mother wouldn’t either...I didn’t mean to bring it all up. I’m sorry.” Mom runs her fingers through his hair, brushing it over his ear. It was one of her tricks. She did the same thing to Lydia when she was upset. There was something very calming about it and mom knew that.

Her dad shakes his head. “No. You were thinking of me. You’re always thinking of me...of the kids. Everyone.”

“You do that too, you know. You're the best possible father to them and I can't tell you how grateful I am for that. But you need to think of yourself sometimes too. You have to let yourself find peace in the past and let it help you enjoy your future.”

Lydia should go. She knows she’s not meant to hear these words but she finds herself frozen, the burning questions she’s always had at the front of her mind as she wonders once more just who her parents are.

And then she hears her father speak again. This time so quietly that even her mother sitting next to him has to lean forward to hear him.

“Sometimes I think, if the kids ever found out, they wouldn’t love me anymore. And I would have to live with that because even then, that’s nothing compared to what I did to my father.”

That gets her mother very upset. She grabs his face, making him look directly into her eyes. “Do not think like that. You mean everything to us and I will not let you try to convince yourself otherwise," she cries. "Please, just let yourself be free of this pain.”

Lydia can’t see his face but she hears him give another sob. He dives back against her shoulder and hugs her tightly. 

They don’t say anything after that. They just sit there for a long time holding each other and Lydia moves away, sneaking back to her room as quietly and as quickly as she can. 

She’s not really sure what to make of it all. It was so strange. 

They were talking about his parents. Lydia’s grandparents. A topic that was rarely discussed and one of the reasons why Lydia hasn’t mentioned her family history project to them. 

And that seemed to be all the more confirmation Lydia needed to just not ask at all. 

Her parents always seemed so content. They were rarely stressed about anything work-related as far as she knew and their main priority always was Lydia, Theo, and Mae above all else. 

And Lydia has _never_ seen them like that. She doesn’t know what started that or what her dad had done to his own father to feel so guilty but it was so sad. 

And she doesn’t have the slightest idea what her father had meant when he said, _‘if the kids ever found out’_ but whatever it was, he thinks it was bad enough that it would make Lydia and her siblings not love him anymore.

Luckily, her mother was there for him. Mom seemed to always know what to do. And even if she was just holding him, that seemed to work. 

Whatever place of sorrow her father comes from, her mother seemed to help keep it at bay.

Lydia lays down but feels restless as her mind keeps trying to unravel what she heard. Her eyes keep looking to the hallway to see if their light was still on but it wasn’t. 

Maybe he was feeling better.

Maybe everything was okay. Sometimes when Lydia got stressed out, her parents helped her work through things and once she could breathe again, she would realize how silly she was being to get so worked up. Maybe her dad was just having one of those moments and it just seemed strange because she rarely sees her parents like that.

Or at least that’s what Lydia tells herself as she really needs to fall asleep. It doesn’t stop her from thinking about it non stop.

The next morning she wakes up earlier than usual but she can tell that her dad and Mae were already downstairs. Lydia can't lay down any longer so she gets up and gets dressed and ready. She wants to go and check on her dad. She was worried maybe he could still be upset.

But he’s at the stove making eggs and Mae is standing on the stool next to him watching. 

“‘Goo’ morning, Lydie,” Mae says. Seems like she put her hearing aids in earlier than usual.

 _“_ Morning, Maeby,” she says back with a smile, but her eyes look back to her dad. He looked as normal as he did every morning. 

“You want some eggs, sweetheart?” he asks her.

“Uh...yeah. Thanks.”

“I make the toast,” Mae mumbles to herself as she steps over to the pantry to find the bread. 

Lydia lingers by the stove, close to her dad, trying to say something that won’t come. She doesn’t even really know what she wants to say. She just feels like she has to. 

“You feel okay?” her dad asks, his brows a little furrowed. There was no real sign that he had been crying the night before.

“Uh-huh,” Lydia tells him.

“Did you sleep alright?”

Lydia shrugs, again, not sure what to say. She honestly didn’t sleep very well. Her dad presses the back of his hand to her forehead as if he’s checking for a fever. When he seems sure she feels normal he hums but moves his hand to the top of her head. “You seem a little out of it.”

“I’m just a little tired. I’m okay though,” Lydia tells him, seeing how he always gets too worried too quickly. 

So she seizes the moment he steps back from the stove to hug him tightly. He chuckles, hugging her back. "Good morning."

"Good morning, dad."

She feels him settle a hand over her head. "Lydia, are you sure you're okay?"

She nods. “I just...I love you, dad.”

He stills before he hugs her a little tighter. “I love you too, sweetheart.” This time, his voice shakes ever so slightly.

Lydia really hopes he’s feeling better now. This was all she could think to do to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh sorry, I'm crying
> 
> Lydia has questions...and a project due  
> 


	8. Truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we finally get some POV from Rey in the flashbacks now that we know her name is Rey. Well, we always knew but she didn't know we knew lol
> 
> This is probably a mess but I'm just gonna post it;) YEET!!
> 
> POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING/SPOILER ALERT:  
> Discussions of heroin addiction and alcoholism in reference to Rey's parents!!
> 
> EDIT: I just saw the word count go up 10k after posting this and I honestly didn't realize how long this got soooo...good luck lol

Rey looked to him as he nodded off on the plane.

He really was a striking man. She thought he looked kind of odd at first but she would hardly pay him anything more than a glance. But now, over the past several weeks that she’s been working with him (almost studying him) she finds he really was very handsome. 

Rey smiled to herself as he stirs a bit and purses his lips.

Yes, very handsome. And very _distracting._ She’s hardly made a dent in the book she brought along to read for the flight.

He’s been acting so peculiar lately. Ever since they left Spain. She wonders if it was because of their discussion from the night before they left. It had been so...intimate? Was that the word for it? Rey honestly had no frame of reference for intimacy but that had felt profound.

She doesn’t know why she was compelled to show him the brand, revealing herself like that to him. It just felt right. Just as telling him her real name felt right. It had become too strange to hear him call her Kira.

But then, he practically pulled the rug out beneath her because everything that she shared with him, he reciprocated. She held her breath when he took his shirt off, not sure what it meant until he revealed his tattoos. Framed by fading scars that he’s collected over the years. But it was his honesty and trust in her that blew her away as he shared with her his real name. 

_Ben Solo._

Everyone heard whispers of Kylo Ren. Everyone from their world knew he was the most skilled and ruthless killer in the field. She panicked the day he picked her up at Dathomir because she almost thought he was there to eliminate her. 

But she was his partner, and she doubts anyone alive would have any idea just how oddly kind this man was. This man who was feared worldwide for his abilities.

He was an ass at first and she resisted the urge to hit him plenty of times that first week. But all of that kind of faded away once they struck up their truce. A truce to be civil and to try to be friends. And it seems to have gone past just friendship because their exchange on the couch, both of them basically half-naked, had been more honest than anything Rey has ever experienced. She had never felt so close to someone. 

It made Rey feel like she could trust him completely, even if Dathomir’s main rule drilled into their minds was to not trust anybody. Even your friends.

But with Kylo... _Ben..._ Rey thinks that he’s broken some of his own rules with her too. Which after working on his own for so long must seem strange.

So she chalks up his odd behavior to that. Giving him space and hoping he knew that even if he was wary about it (because she can tell by now that she must be the most exposed to another person that he’s had in a while) he could trust her.

They arrive back in New York and again, it was one of the few cities where Ben has his own apartment so they don’t have to stay in a hotel. 

When they’re in the elevator, Rey figures she should ask, wondering if she’s actually imposing at this point. “I could get a hotel room. Or a place of my own,” she says, staring at her shoes intensely before she has the courage to look up at him.

He almost looked offended. “I have a guest room,” he said like that explained everything. 

“I just meant if you wanted some time to yourself. I have money, I could find my own way.”

He looked surprisingly broken up about it. “Is that what you want? Your own space?” he asks her as they step out of the elevator. She follows him down the hallway.

The building had a very expensive look to it. And this floor had very few other doors. It was probably more private than most floors.

Rey shook her head, trying to keep up with the conversation that she had started. “No, I’m fine. I’m used to sharing a room with six other girls so a guest room is plenty,” she tells him honestly and she hears him take a deep breath. “I just figured I’ve been imposing and–”

“You’re not,” he says quickly as he reaches into his pocket for his keys. 

Rey looks at him. He seems so...nervous. He’s been fidgeting a lot, which is new. Usually, he’s very cool and collected. She used to have so much trouble guessing what he was thinking but the more she’s got to know him, she thought she was getting better at reading him. But maybe it wasn’t so much that as it was his face betrayed more of his emotions than it used to. 

For who was meant to be the world’s most unemotional assassin, he had a surprisingly expressive face.

“Okay,” she nods and he practically gives a sigh of relief before he pushes the door open and reveals his apartment. He steps in, paying no mind to his surroundings as he’s been there plenty of times before but Rey takes it in. 

She had been looking forward to seeing this. Ben was stylish but clearly a minimalist since he kept everything as light as possible so he could travel easily. 

Rey did the same however now she has a bigger suitcase and more things to carry since she upgraded her wardrobe. It still wasn’t overly extensive which was nice but more than she’s ever had before so she was still getting used to it.

But looking at Ben’s apartment, Rey can see it seemed just as impersonal as their hotel rooms. There are no pictures, just some pieces of framed art. All the furniture looked like it had never been sat in. Like it’s a showroom or a furnished model a realtor would show. It’s another insight into Ben’s life and it makes Rey feel a little sad. 

But it’s much larger than their hotel rooms have been and design-wise, it’s quite beautiful. 

“Here, the guest room is down here,” he waves her down a hallway. “I hope it’s not dusty. It’s uh...never been used,” he says sheepishly.

She steps in and she can’t help but smile. “It’s lovely, thank you.”

He just shrugs. “Please, what’s mine is yours now. I’ll let you get settled. There’s always extra sheets in this closet in the hallway so if your bed seems stiff or something, feel free to change them.”

“Thank you.”

He nods with a smile before stepping away, leaving her be.

As she opens her suitcase and finally takes off her shoes, Rey just takes a moment to take it all in. Their lifestyle was so quick, sometimes it was hard to keep up. But little moments like that with him seemed to remind her to breathe. 

After she freshens up a bit and relaxes after their long flight, Rey finally checks her phone to see she has a message waiting for her.

It’s from Finn. The text is brief but all she needs to read.

_Maz says DJ is ready to meet with you again._

Rey’s heart jumped to her throat with nerves and excitement. It’s been well over a month that she had made her way to Maz’s Castle to meet with him the first time. 

She knew Finn through Rose and Paige from school. The two sisters first met him in a bar at the hotel where they would go to drink and not get carded. Finn was the concierge who caught on to their act but let it slide because he knew they were from Dathomir.

Anyways, Finn had mentioned to Rose once that Maz Kanata, owner of the hotel and his current boss, had certain connections and a private investigator that she worked with very closely. Apparently, that was how Finn first met the woman who was now his boss. He had come to Maz asking for information about his parents since he had been orphaned since he was a young boy. 

That had been enough to pique Rey’s interest so that was when Rey decided to fork over every penny she’s saved from odd and ends jobs she had while she was at Dathomir and try to get an appointment with Maz Kanata’s best investigator. 

But now, she has more money than anyone one person probably should and if DJ needed more in case he’s hit a dead end, she could offer it. Her measly offering of two grand a single gold coin she’s been saving for such an occasion had seemed so substantial at the time. But now that’s probably the cost of one of her custom suits. 

She needed to find out what happened to her parents. They were all she thought about. And DJ could find the answers that Rey couldn’t. It was worth everything to her.

 _What time?_ she fires back.

 _DJ says he’ll be available at 1AM. Same booth in the bar._

_I’ll be there._

Just then there’s a knock at the door. Rey jumps a bit, riled up at the thought of this evening but she knows it’s Ben. “Come in,” she calls out, feeling ridiculous.

“Hey,” he says, standing in the doorway. “Are you hungry?”

Rey smiles. He was always asking her if she was hungry. Which of course, she always was. “Yeah.”

“Well, there’s this place just a block down that I usually order from when I’m here. Really good noodles,” he says with a chuckle.

“That sounds nice. You order in or do you wanna go there?”

“I figured we could order in. I’m kinda beat from the flight. Unless you need some air,” he says quickly in offering, like he would be willing to go out if she wanted to.

“No, I agree. That sounds better. I don’t want to put my shoes back on anyway.”

He gives her one of his rare smiles as she makes to follow him so he can show her the take out menu he has in his kitchen.

That was another thing about Kylo Ren the world probably didn’t know. He hoarded take-out menus and he just loved to have quiet evenings on the couch watching a movie or reading a book. 

But still, she preferred not to tell him about her intended trip to Maz’s. Maz didn't have a good history with the First Order, or actually just with Snoke.

Besides, Snoke was the whole reason they were in New York in the first place. Ben said he needed to check in with their boss. It was customary at this point in his career.

Rey hasn’t met Snoke yet. She thought that was odd because he was her employer. He had hired her and had been the one that made her and Ben partners. She’s asked Ben about it before but he always says that Snoke was a very secretive man and only met with people if he absolutely had to. But he did make a point to say that since she was doing exemplary work, he must find her satisfactory.

And if he knew she was meeting people at Maz’s that would probably make him a little suspicious and attract attention Rey didn’t really need. 

So she decides against telling Ben about it. It didn’t sit right in her stomach but she’s so nervous about what DJ may have to tell her that she doesn’t think she could handle actually explaining it to him right now. Maybe once she returned they could talk about it.

Still, it left her a little jittery for the rest of the evening. She thinks Ben might have noticed but again, his odd behavior meant he looked anxious around her for his own reasons. But she does catch him staring at her when they sit on the couch to eat their dinner and watch TV. 

She would think he was capable of being more subtle given his job but she must have counted five times that she looked over and found him already looking at her. Each time he would smile or chuckle softly. 

It was actually very cute but damn was it confusing. 

“Are you alright?” she asks him eventually.

“Uh-huh," he says but his voice sounds higher than usual. And he looks exhausted even though he's smiling at her.

She snorts. “I think you’ve been traveling too much. Your brain has gone to mush.” She really doesn’t know how he’s kept up with this lifestyle for what was almost ten years. And he had been doing it all alone by the looks of it. Another sad thought of Rey’s.

He shakes his head as if to deny it but then he gives up and shrugs, still smiling. “Maybe.”

“I know mine has,” she admits, sitting back on the massive sofa. It was three times the length of her bed in Dathomir and probably thirty times softer. 

“Are you tired?”

She wasn’t. She couldn’t possibly be as the time is constantly calling to her. But she would like some moments to herself, just to pace nervously like a fool as she is about to face one of the most crucial moments of her life. The news she’s been waiting only about fifteen years to hear.

“A little. I think I’m gonna go lie down,” she says, moving to take her trash to the kitchen but he stands up and stops her.

“I got it,” he said, taking it from her.

“You don’t have to. You bought dinner.” He always insists on it. It was almost annoying at times but she’s tricked him a few times and paid for it herself. At this point, money seems to be no object to either of them but the principle is there. 

They were partners. Equals. She wanted it to be that way with everything, even who paid for dinner.

“Rey, it’s nothing.”

She gives in, confused as much as she is amused at his behavior. “Okay,” she says softly. 

He smiles at her with a nod. “Well, uh...goodnight, Rey.”

She smiles. “Goodnight...Ben.”

He practically blushes, folding his lips at the mention of his name. She hasn’t said it too often. She was unsure if it’s what he was comfortable with it. Just because he shared it with her, it may not mean he wants to hear it all the time. 

Every time she says it, he seems to have some acute reaction. Mostly good, she thinks but she suspects there’s more to that.

There was so much more to every part of him that Rey had yet to understand. And maybe she never would. But all she knows is that he’s surprised her endlessly by how shy and bashful he can be. 

It was sweet.

But she doesn’t dwell on it for long as she retires to the guest room where she reads over Finn’s texts endlessly. 

Maz told her not to be too hopeful. She said there may be nothing to find and that a lot of times, people don’t get the answers they were hoping for. 

Finn didn't exactly find what he was hoping for. He was met with a bunch of dead ends with no conclusive answers. But he was doing good. She's spoken to him on a few occasions and she can tell that he liked working at the Castle and surrounding himself with people he enjoyed being with. Like Rose and Paige and who knows who else. 

But Rey had held out hope her whole life, she wouldn’t stop now. Rey couldn’t be more grateful for the coincidence. They had just returned to New York. It was perfect.

She doesn’t know what she’ll do if DJ has found her parents or knows where to find them. Because Rey _has_ to meet them. She wonders if Ben would understand. If he would encourage her to find them, even if it means she can’t be his partner. 

But she’ll cross that bridge when she comes to it. 

Her anxiety starts to get the better of her and she knows she won’t be able to wait until tomorrow. She’s waited long enough and her answers were just waiting for her. 

She looks to the clock. Time was going so slow. It was barely midnight.

She wasn’t sure when Ben would go to bed (he usually retired by now unless they were working late) but she peaked out earlier to see him sitting at the couch with his face in his hands. He looked troubled and although part of her thought of approaching him and asking what was wrong, she decided against it. She’s asked him a handful of times lately if he’s alright, noticing his change in mood but he won’t admit to anything. 

But eventually, she hears his footsteps down the hallway. She waits to hear him go into his room but she sees the shadow of his feet standing just on the other side of her door. 

She waited for a long moment, wondering if he was going to knock but he thinks against it and turns away and she soon hears the sound of his door closing. 

Something was definitely wrong with him. She would have to address that tomorrow. She wonders if it has something to do with Snoke. Rey could tell when he spoke about their boss that he would get a little bit nervous. Another thing that she wouldn’t have noticed at first but has picked up on as she’s come to distinguish what his endless expressions and little quirks mean. 

Rey gives it a little while longer before she reaches for her old bomber jacket and shrugs it over her shoulders. She had on a skirt with black tights and there was a matching blazer she had worn with it all earlier that day but she decides to go for something more familiar and had better pockets. 

She grabs her boots, deciding to put them on in the elevator so she could slip out more discretely. Quietly, she makes her way out of the room, down the hallway and out the door.

She can hardly keep her breathing steady as she races her way to Maz’s. The truth of her parents, _of herself,_ finally awaiting her. 

* * *

He hadn’t even changed out of his clothes for bed yet. He was just sitting on the end of it like a fool, partially wishing he had the strength to knock on her door and partially cursing himself for entertaining the idea at all.

The feeling will go away. He knows it will. He just has to get himself back under some sense of normalcy. He needed to stop overanalyzing everything they did. They were partners. Friends at best. That’s it.

But as time passes, if anything, it just gets stronger and stronger.

His love for Rey is always there, building. Sometimes it’s crippling and terrifying, other times it makes him feel so light. 

And it makes him act so weird around her. Enough that she’s starting to notice.

He’s doomed. 

He doesn’t know how other people handle having feelings like this. It was maddening and exhausting and why the fuck does it make him love her even more?

He huffs, diving back into his hands. But then his phone beeps and he looks to see it’s his home security app. 

_New York Apartment. Front Door Opened at 12:26 AM._

In an instant he stands up, grabbing his gun and steps out of his room, ready for anything. But nothing comes. Quickly he moves to the guest room, not even knocking in the process. 

He tries to whisper, pawing at the sheets as he watches the door but he feels nothing. Rey wasn’t in bed. Rey wasn’t even in her room. As he strides down the hallway, finding his apartment empty, he realizes Rey wasn’t there at all. Dread fills his stomach suddenly as he connects the dots. 

Rey had been the one to open the door. He couldn’t find her because she wasn’t here. 

_She left._

He practically whimpers in fear as his suspicions win out over every benefit of the doubt. The intent of his original assignment washing over him like a bucket of cold water.

_Fuck. No, no, no, no._

This is bad.

Quickly, he rushes for the door, grabbing his jacket off the back of the couch and makes his way for the elevator. He knows where she’s likely gone. 

If he could prove it isn’t true then at least he could pretend she was just off doing something else. She was young and beautiful and there were any number of things she could do at twelve-thirty in the morning in New York city. Things that would rile him up if he thought about it too much but he would gladly take any number of those scenarios if it meant she wasn’t doing the one thing that Snoke suspects her for. And if that’s the case, Snoke’s instructions were clear. 

She would have to be terminated. 

And he would have to do it!

He nearly sobs at the thought of it as he runs through the streets, wondering if he was going to catch up to her or if she was even headed to the Castle at all. 

But then his heart plummets...because he sees her walking up the front steps of the hotel. There’s a spring in her step, like she was in a hurry and has her old bomber jackets wrapped around her in the cool night air. The one that was way too big for her and had an embroidered tiger on the back. 

He couldn’t miss her. It was Rey. 

His quickened pace comes to a grinding halt. He stands frozen in defeat as all his worst fears were playing out. His mind automatically jumps ten steps ahead. He won’t kill Rey. He honestly doesn’t think he was capable of even considering it without getting nauseous. He would never try to hurt her. That would kill him in the process. 

He shivers as suddenly his father's face comes to mind and his tears really start to gather in his eyes. 

He would not let Rey become another one of his ghosts. He would never return from that. He really would be a monster. 

Hell, he already was...but he wouldn’t let himself fall further. He didn’t care how stupid he was being, he would have to confront Rey about everything and just hope that she listens. 

And if she killed him before packing up and leaving everything behind, he wouldn’t blame her. She was a survivor. That’s why she’s made it this far. 

He shouldn’t be so surprised he fell in love with her so quickly. While she was still in school she had captured the attention of multiple eyes that saw her potential. She was incredible...and his partner.

And his loyalty to her should come before anything else.

* * *

Rey was shaking on her side of the table as DJ comes to sit across from her, setting down his briefcase and ordering a drink from Emmie. She waits as patiently as she can in the booth. She got there too early but she was overly eager.

Finn could tell the moment she came in and he loaned her a coin to get into the bar through the laundry room. He didn’t look too hopeful but he still gave her a smile anyway. She knows how obvious she must look but at this point, she doesn’t even care. 

But before DJ even sits down, he drops a bomb on her. 

“To be honest Miss J-J-J-Johnson, I don’t think you’re g-g-g-gonna like what I have to s-s-s-s-say.”

Her heart sinks...she doesn’t know what that means. Maybe it meant he had hit a dead end, she had prepared for this possibility. She could offer more money. Or find someone else. Whatever it took. 

But as he pulls out a file, Rey realizes he didn’t hit a dead-end at all. He had found out what she had asked him to. Goosebumps prickle over her body. She’s never felt as afraid as she does right now. 

“What did you find?” she asks in a ghostly voice. 

“I’m g-g-gonna tell you off the bat that they are l-l-l-long deceased.”

_Dead. They’re dead._

She’s always known that was a possibility but now it’s undeniable. Her throat automatically tightens. “Oh.”

“There is more...but I’m n-n-not sure how much you would like to hear.”

Her fingers curl into her palms and she grits her teeth. “I want to know everything,” she says clearly, trying to convince the man she could handle it. Maybe it wasn’t so much what she wants to hear but she knows she needs to. 

DJ clears his throat, looking like he wouldn’t care either way as he runs his fingers along the edges of papers in the file. 

“You were right about one thing and that they were originally f-f-f-from England. Which would have influenced your own accent,” he gestures towards her with the back of his hand. “But they only l-l-left for the States when they got word from a friend that the...p-p-p-products in the city were superior.”

“Products?”

“Well, I know last time we spoke you described how you lived in a house. They had jobs but they didn’t work weekends and you would all g-g-g-go to the park and play but it seems that none of that was t-t-t-true. P-P-P-Perhaps you created those ideas yourself to help cope with the harsh reality of w-w-w-what it actually was.”

 _What it actually was?_ Rey’s heart is pounding in her chest and her underarms feel sweaty and gross as she tries to stay optimistic. She has to.

But then the next wave strikes. 

“They were ver-r-r-ry severe addicts.”

_No._

“Mainly heroin although both were notably battling ex-ex-extreme alcoholism. They would leave you alone for days at a time. Social services checked in on you on several occasions but their standards were negligible and you were left there seeing as the foster system was overwhelmed at the time and your parents always found ways to make excuses.”

Rey is going to be sick. 

“The apartment you s-s-stayed in was not owned by them. They were just squatting there. Until which p-p-p-point your mother killed your f-father over the remaining stash of drugs and she pushed him down s-s-s-some stairs where he broke his neck and died instantly. The authorities were called by a neighbor. Your m-m-m-mother was placed into custody and arrested but was sent to a rehabilitation hospital. And social services was finally convinced that you weren’t in suitable conditions.”

DJ slides over a photograph of Rey when she was maybe four or five years old. Absolutely filthy, frightfully skinny, and wearing an adult T-shirt with holes in it.

 _Fuck._..that shirt...she remembers that. It was what she was wearing when Ventress found her. And then like a trail of breadcrumbs, little snippets start to flood back in. Stale cheerios. Dirty broken mattress. Cardboard blankets. Those weren’t memories from the streets she’s always had, but memories of what it had been like living with her parents. 

Tears spill over her cheeks but she hastily wipes them away. She didn’t want to break down here. Not in front of this man and all the people drinking in the bar even if they were probably oblivious to her anyway.

“N-N-N-Needless to say, before they could take you, you ran away, probably in shock from everything as you were sus-s-s-spected to be in the room or in the vicinity. That’s probably why you have difficulty remembering it that way. But from there you were discovered by the woman from Dathomir and at that point, the authorities stopped looking for you. You were just another lost cause in a big city where kids went missing all the t-t-t-time.”

Rey just nods, having lost all ability to speak. 

“Your mother, shortly after her admittance, k-k-k-killed herself in rehabilitation.”

Rey can’t handle anymore. This was too much.

“Is that all?” she asks quietly, her voice hoarse. 

DJ shrugs. “About it...they are smaller details but you can look over those f-f-f-for yourself when you’re ready.” He slides over the file and Rey snags it quickly as she stands up and decides that she needs to get some air right this moment or she’ll be done for. This room was overwhelming and smokey. The smell of alcohol suddenly made her ill and she thinks back to everything she’s always known but hasn’t faced until it arrived in the form of a cursed manila colored file. 

She doesn’t hear Finn try to call after her as she races through the lobby. She doesn’t notice how chilly it was when she races outside. She can only be sure of one thing. She was a fool. She was a stupid, childish, naive little girl that believed in nothing but a lie her whole life. 

Rey looks down at the file. She doesn’t know why she took it. It’s just here to mock her. She feels her tears flood down her face as she realizes that nothing is ever what she thought it was. 

She hates it. 

* * *

Ben hadn’t really moved since he saw her go in. It hasn’t been too long but it feels like forever as his stomach ties itself in knots and he’s been going mad. 

He can’t go ten seconds without looking at his watch. It was well past one now. It was cold and Ben was...well he was scared. More so than he’s been in a long time. Perhaps that’s what was fighting away the exhaustion in his bones.

But he doesn’t think about that. He tries to think what he’ll say when she comes back out. He really should have gone back to his apartment to wait for her there. That was the sensible place to have a conversation but his fucking legs won’t move. 

Usually, his body is so in tune with his instincts that his legs and arms will act before his brain does. But not now. Now it’s as if his heart and mind were making them weigh a ton and his feet are rooted in the concrete. He must look quite odd to the people passing by, although they are getting fewer in number as it was very late. 

He wonders what her reaction will be when she discovers that he followed her but he decides he’s going to just say what he needs to say and face whatever comes next. Because even if she will be furious that the whole basis of their partnership was for the sole purpose of him trying to find out what her true intentions are, it was the right thing to do. 

He’s so worked up he just wants to forget he ever saw her and that it never happened and tomorrow when he sees Snoke he’ll just play dumb, but he knows he can’t. Snoke always saw right through him. He had to deal with this now. He wasn’t going to live in a world where he might have to kill her. 

And then his legs finally are revived once he sees the shape of her leave the hotel. He ducks himself to the side so he’s not so obvious and waits for her to pass him by. It was probably the worst plan he’s ever had. To basically reveal to his partner the nature of their situation. 

It’s like slow motion, watching as she walks briskly towards him. His heart is hammering out of his chest as she gets closer and closer. He can see she’s holding something but her head is down. He feels like such an amateur, but he didn’t like to feel like he was doing his job when he talked to Rey. It wasn’t like that. He refused to think of her as just an assignment.

He steps out from the alley as she marches by, snagging her arm and calling her name. But the second he does she snatches his wrist and pushes him up against the wall hard and her knee is more than ready to strike at his groin. 

He should have expected that but before he could announce himself she realizes it's him.

“Ben?” she croaks out and it’s then, in the neon blue light from the nearby liquor store that he sees her face.

_She’s been crying._

Her face was blotchy and her nose was running and her shoulders were shaking as she tried to keep her sobs as quiet as she can. 

New concerns instantly presented themselves. “Rey?”

She sniffles again and her lips tremble as she takes a step away from him. She hugs something to her chest. A folder, it looked like. 

“Rey, what happened?” 

_Did her deal fall through? Did she get scolded for not killing Snoke by now? Did someone hurt her?_

She just shakes her head and shuts her eyes, tears streaming down her face. He takes a step closer to her, trying to bridge the gap. His arms reaching for her but unsure if he should touch her. He feels so frantic and his heart is beating so fast, afraid of what he doesn’t understand. 

He speaks her name one final time, his voice strained and clearly afraid. “Rey?”

And then she drops her file to the ground and charges forward, wrapping herself tightly around him and sobbing fiercely into his chest. 

He can’t breathe. He’s too confused...overwhelmed and saddened as to what has happened and the direction this has gone. 

He doesn’t know what’s happened to her but it breaks him to see her like this. So finally remembering that he had arms, he pulls her closer, hugging her tightly and just trying to comfort her in the way she seems to need. He rests his cheek over her head, noticing how lovely her hair smelled. “I got you,” he whispers, trying to let her know he was there. 

She sobs even harder then and they just stand there. He doesn’t know for how long but he doesn’t care how long it takes. He’ll stay there as long as she needs him. As long as she needs to cry. Sometimes that was all you could do. 

But then his eyes, battling the low light of the alleyway, look to the ground where she dropped the file and the papers lay strewn all over the floor. There’s pictures and papers that looked like documents and records. But he can’t make them out. 

He doesn’t have to, because soon enough she reveals to him well enough what it is. 

“I’m so stupid,” she whimpers into his shirt. 

“You’re not,” he tells her. He doesn't care what this was about. That was never true.

“I am! My whole life I’ve been so fucking stupid and childish and so goddamn hopeful when I knew all along they were dead. Fuck, everyone knew! People didn’t even need to hear the whole story to know they didn’t care about me!”

Her parents, Ben realizes. She's talking about her parents. She hadn’t gone to meet with an employer at all. 

“Ventress, Talzin, Maz, Finn...Hell, _you_ probably knew it too didn’t you?!”

Yes, he did. It was obvious. But he didn’t want to tell her that. “That doesn’t make you stupid.”

She sobs even harder. “I thought they loved me. I wanted them to love me. I wanted to believe I could just go home and I never ended up at Talzin’s. But I did...so I told myself I could find a way back to them. It was the only thing that kept me going and now...now it’s so obvious. It was all for nothing. I was alone this whole time.”

“You’re not alone,” he croaks out, trying to keep himself together but his heart was absolutely breaking. 

Everyone had suspected her of foul play. _Even he had!_ He had tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and still he jumped to the same conclusion when he saw her walking up those steps. _Fuck,_ he was no different than everyone else. How dare he do that to her? How could he love her when he was so quick to assume she was what Snoke tried to make her out to be?

Especially when the truth of what she was actually doing spears him right through the chest. She went looking for answers and she got them. They just weren’t the ones she wanted to hear.

“I’m just...I’m a nobody. I’m nothing.”

He shakes his head, pulling away from her slightly to cup her face in his hands. He will not let her think this about herself. He needs to make sure she hears him. 

“Not to me.”

She blinks up at him and he brushes over her cheeks with his thumbs, trying to wipe her tears away. He’s never seen her cry. He’s never seen her so broken. 

“Rey, you…” he starts, shaking his head, trying to find new words. He had been rehearsing his other speech in his head and he forgot how to think normally. “It makes you strong. You’re resilient. A survivor.”

“But–”

“I know it’s hard...actually I don’t know. I could never imagine what that feels like and I can’t imagine how much it hurts. But still, all these years it gave you hope. It made you keep going and even though this outcome is horrible and it hurts...you have to recognize that, at the end of the day, you are the one that’s strong. You’re here and you’re safe and you’re...you’re literally the most amazing person I’ve ever met, Rey.”

Her lip trembled slightly and he thinks he’s fucked up and she’s going to sob again. But then she just ducks back against his chest, holding him tightly.

“I’m so glad I have you,” she says softly into his shirt and he could die right then it absolutely makes his life and breaks his heart at the same time. 

“Always…” he settles his hand on the back of her head, trying to assure her he would never leave, even if he knows that was impossible to promise. In his career, some things were just beyond his control. But he didn’t care. He meant it, she wasn’t alone. “I promise, sweetheart.”

He didn’t mean to call her that and he honestly doesn’t know how it slipped out but she doesn’t seem to mind, so he doesn't either. 

* * *

Bright light streams in from the window waking him up. As he stirs he finds himself on his couch...with a warm body beside him. 

He looks down, finding Rey nestled against him. And his stirring must have awoken her too. She looks disoriented at first but he can’t help but smile at how adorable she looked. Especially with her hair so messy and covering half her face. 

It’s such a tender moment he doesn’t grasp the reality of it until a moment later and he realizes they had both spent the night on the couch. Holding each other. 

They stood in that alley for a long time, just hugging before he realized she was shivering and he insisted they go back to his apartment. He picked up her file from the ground before they left. 

Rey wouldn’t let go of him and he wasn’t going to let her go either.

When they got back he pulled her to the couch and wrapped her in a throw blanket he doesn’t even remember buying but it was draped on the couch and she welcomed it. He sat with her and she gave him the details of her conversation with a man named DJ who was a private investigator she had hired. 

She told him everything, still crying and he still held her.

It all fell into place. Why she was at Maz at the time of suspicion and why she went back. Why she didn't tell him about it. All this time she's been thinking so much about them and yet he had no idea just how much hope she had in finding them. A lifetime of pain and loneliness seemed to be crashing into her all at once and all Ben could think to do was hold her and his own eyes had welled with tears. 

But eventually, they must have drifted off and just slept there. 

Ben has never spent so much time on his own couch. And although it was a lot stiffer compared to his softer mattress, he honestly felt so fucking comfortable as he slept here with her.

She seems to have a similar revelation as she sits up slowly and he does the same. 

“Sorry,” she says hoarsely, covering her face like she was embarrassed. 

“Don’t be,” he tells her. “Are you…” he trails off, knowing that wasn’t a fair question. There was a lot he still needed to understand but he imagines the center of her universe just vanished last night and she’s likely hurting still. “How are you feeling?” he tries to ask. 

She shrugs, “I don’t know,” she says in a heavy sigh. She tries to brush through her hair with her fingers and brushing it past her ears. “It’s weird. For so long, in my mind, it was always going to work out. And now…” she shakes her head, looking defeated. “Now I feel like I don’t really know what to believe in anymore.”

“Rey,” he starts, waiting for her to look at him. When she doesn’t he reaches for her hand. “I’ve never really believed in anything. I didn’t realize how empty it could all be until I found something I could believe in.”

“Which is what?”

“I..." He tries to stop himself but he can't. The words are determined to be spoken. "I believe in you.” Her eyes go wide, and the corners of her mouth quirk up as if she thinks he’s joking. “No, I’m serious. You’re my partner and I genuinely believe in you.”

Rey’s smile falls but her eyes stay the same. Like she was surprised. Like she never considered that she could mean something to someone besides her parents that she had such high expectations for. 

“I believe in you too,” she tells him, her voice noticeably hoarse from the night prior.

He practically gasps because she holds his hand a little tighter. It makes him realize that as open as they have been, there’s still a lot he wants to share with her. 

“All this time they weren't who I thought they were. I guess I’ve always known but I was just lying to myself.”

 _Fuck...and in a way, I’m lying to her,_ he thinks to himself. He needs to tell her the full truth. He needs her to know that he does not want to be in the same category as the other people that have hurt her...even though the truth may hurt her too.

But it’s the right thing to do. 

Rey gets up then. “I uh...I’m gonna go clean up." She looks down at his chest. “I’m sorry I ruined your shirt.”

He looks down t see some black smudges that must have been her mascara. He chuckles softly. “You didn’t. Besides, I’ve got a bunch of them.”

She smiles with a nod before getting up and moving back to her room. He remains on the couch for a long moment, trying to think of the best way to proceed. His eyes wander to the file on the coffee table and his heart drops as he thinks of its contents. She told him the basics. That her parents were addicts. But still, he reaches for the file and the air from his lungs falls away as he sees a picture of Rey when she was just a little girl, looking tired, neglected, and scared.

He grits his teeth, trying to bite back tears.

He sets the file aside for now on the kitchen counter, starting his coffee maker so he could at least attempt to balance himself a little. He doesn’t know when he’ll have to go see Snoke and he doesn’t know what their next contract will be or when the fuck a day would come that doesn’t give him a panic attack but it clearly isn’t today.

Maybe coffee isn’t such a good idea. 

So he winds up pacing until she comes out with red cheeks and damp hair. She frowns when she sees him. “Ben? Is something wrong?”

“I uh...Can I talk to you about something?”

She nods, looking a little nervous and she comes to join him in the close quarters of the kitchen. She’s waiting for him to say something and he’s taking forever to spit it out.

“Listen, Rey, I’m serious. You’re my partner and I value that more than...well, more than anything. Which is why, at the risk of you hating me, I need to tell you why I followed after you last night.”

“Did you think I was betraying you?" she asks, sounding worried.

“No! No, not me. I just…” he trails off, not sure how he could ever explain it easily. It was going to sound bad no matter what. He might as well just pull off the bandaid. "Rey I need to tell you the real reason why we are partners."

Her brows scrunch a little. "What are you talking about?"

He feels nauseous again at the way he can hear her tone change. The apprehension and wariness he's stirred back up in her. But she was right to sound that way.

He sighs, not wanting to hide it any longer. “Snoke only partnered me with you so that I could try to figure out if you were a threat or not.”

“A threat?" She sounds so confused. "Why would he hire me if he thought I was a threat?”

“Snoke is a complicated and manipulative man. And he had been in contact with Talzin about your employment for months.”

“Talzin? W-Why would they think I’m a threat?”

“You told me you went to Maz’s before? Before you left Dathomir?”

She nods. “I told you...my friend Finn, the concierge, he told me that Maz had connections with DJ. Finn said that he had helped him try to find some answers about his origins and I…”

“You wanted to do the same.”

She nods sadly, looking to the file on the counter. 

He tries not to look so intimidating standing over her as she starts to sound a little nervous. “The day you went to Maz’s to meet DJ, you were followed by one of your classmates,” he tells her. 

“What? Who?”

He shakes his head. “Honestly, I don’t remember her name. It was odd.”

“Phasma?” Rey asks tensely, clearly not a fan.

Something clicks. “Yeah, Talzin said it was Phasma that reported you. She said she suspected you were meeting with a possible third party employer.”

“Phasma hates me! She would tell Talzin anything to make me look shitty!”

“Well, it worked. Because it made Talzin very suspicious and since she was already in contact with Snoke about hiring you, it made them all get a little nervous. And since Snoke is the most paranoid man I’ve ever met, he automatically believed that whoever you were meeting with, must have already been aware of the likelihood that he was about to hire you and was going to get you to kill him once the opportunity presented itself.”

“'Kill him?' I’ve never even met the guy!” Rey says, her eyes looking glassy again.

He holds up his hands, trying to assure her that he understands. “I know. I know!”

But Rey's face starts to get redder and angrier. Her tone is bitter and hurt. “So what, he asked you to be my partner so you could use me?”

“No!” Ben says quickly, trying to reach for her hands again but she takes a step away from him. “I mean...technically, yes, that’s what he wanted but I knew I couldn’t. I’ve worked alone my whole life and there was no way I was going to just take in someone he wanted me to investigate. I don't do that! I told him that but he didn't give me a choice. Snoke never does. If you disobey, he kills you.”

She scoffs, turning from him but he grabs her arm. “But then I met you. Then we started talking. Then we were friends and I...Rey, I’ve never used you.”

“But you never would have talked to me unless he asked you to!” Her eyes get glassy again. “And what? If I was guilty of this you would have killed me last night?” she asks, yanking her arm out of his grip. "That's why you pulled me into that alley?"

“God, no. Rey, I could never. I was trying to explain this to you. That’s why I was waiting for you outside the hotel last night.”

She looks up at him. He can’t make out what her expression means. She just looks battered from the constant blows of emotional stress she’s had to weather and he doesn’t want her to hurt anymore. 

He doesn’t want her to leave. He needs her. He can feel it. 

“I’m trying to explain...I didn’t have a choice but to do as he asked. I’ve been working for him for almost ten years and the shit he expects me to do…” he shakes his head at himself, ashamed. “I’m never going to be able to redeem myself for it, but he asked me to be your partner for this purpose. I didn’t know what to expect but now we’re here and I just...I just don’t want to lose you. I need you. You’re the only one I can trust. That’s why I’m telling you this, I don’t want any more secrets. I know you’ve been hurt and I don’t want to do that to you anymore. I want you to know that I...that I _care,_ ” he croaks out finally, tears leaking down his face. He didn’t even realize he was crying. He felt like he was trembling, terrified that she would just turn around, pack her things, and leave.

This was the first time he’s been this close to someone and if he chases her away he’s not sure he could just go back to being alone. He didn’t realize how fucking tedious it was until he had something better. The life he was living was empty and inhuman. With Rey, it felt like he was alive.

“If you trust me...then why didn’t you just ask me?” Rey looks at him. "Why didn't you say anything?"

She’s right. He shouldn’t have been waiting for something to make him bring it up. “I don’t know. I guess I was afraid you might run if you thought I suspected you of something. Because _I didn’t,_ but Snoke...Snoke expects me to be a monster. And as much as I want to believe I could deserve something better or that I could be worthy of having you as a partner, I know it’s too late. I’m a monster.”

“No, Ben. You’re not,” she tells him softly, this time her thumbs coming up to brush the tears on his cheeks away. She doesn’t sound as angry now and it gives him so much hope. Like maybe she’s going to stay instead of walking out on him like he deserves. 

Her touch is so gentle it makes him feel like he’s breaking. 

“I’ve done bad things, Rey,” he croaks. “Just because Snoke told me to.”

“Ben, this work isn’t pretty. Don’t be so hard on yourself for that. I’ve only been in the First Order for a little over a month and already it’s–”

“Snoke made me kill my own father,” he admits out loud for the first time in his life.

Rey’s eyes go wide. He feels himself shaking. The weight of his own words sinking back into him, making him feel sick.

“Oh Ben,” she breathes out, looking partially horrified but mostly devastated. Like nothing she could say could make it better. He curls into himself, embarrassed she even had to see him like this. He was such a fucking mess. 

Here she was the morning after the discovery of her parent’s true nature and he was confessing how he had killed one of his own. A man who was a saint compared to Rey’s parents that left her to fucking starve.

“I’m,” he sobs out. “I didn’t want–He never even…” He doesn’t even know what he’s trying to tell her, but it doesn’t matter. None of it strings together. 

He feels her hand envelop around him again. Softer this time. She was the one comforting him. 

This had definitely taken a turn. But she holds him so tight and doesn’t let go. Even after he confessed his greatest shame and she’s here. He doesn’t know what the fuck he did to have her here with him but he doesn’t want to question it. He just wants to stay here and hold her. His face was tucked into her neck as she held him and ran her hands through his hair.

“I won’t let him make me do the same to you,” he sobs into her shoulder.

“You won’t...I trust you, Ben. I do.”

“W–Why?” he croaks out. She had no reason to. Not now.

“Because we’re not just partners, you’re my friend. You hold me when I cry.” He feels her kiss the top of his head, it makes him cry harder. “And I hold you whenever you need it. We look out for each other. Like you said...always.”

"You should hate me. Why don't you hate me?"

"Because..." she trails off and Ben wonders if she's suddenly realizing that she does. But then she finishes. "Because we're not that different, you and me. Not as much as you would think."

He hugs her tighter. 

His love for her had felt like a burden. Like he had misinterpreted things wrong. Like maybe he was so disconnected from humanity he would have fallen in love with anyone that showed him any shred of kindness or decency. 

But now he knows it was different with Rey. 

Because Rey wasn’t like anyone else. Loving her was inevitable. He loves her more than ever. But that would have to be said another time. He just stayed there crying like a child, clinging to the girl he loves like a lifeline because she felt like all he had left. He wasn’t going to lose her. No matter what, he would keep her safe. She deserved that much after so many people have hurt her.

Rey deserved to be loved. 

* * *

“What are you saying, Mr. Ren?”

Ben clears his throat, hoping all traces from his earlier tears are not noticeable. “I don’t believe that…” he almost says _Rey,_ “...Kira is at all a threat to you or the First Order, sir. She is loyal and dedicated.”

Snoke scoffs. “And how do you know that?”

“I’ve seen how she works. I’ve seen her commitment for myself and–”

“I’m talking about her contact at Maz’s! Speak plainly!”

“She was not congregating with anyone in an attempt to eliminate you. To my understanding, that story got exaggerated by a jealous schoolmate of hers that was trying to jeopardize her anyways she could.”

“Then what is Kira’s excuse? What was she actually doing?”

Ben gulps. “She was trying to speak to someone who could help her. An attempt to find her origins.”

Snoke chuckles. “Damn, she sounds as sentimental as you used to be.”

Ben grits his teeth, knowing he can’t say anything. 

“But I assume, the answers were undesirable for her.”

Ben just nods. 

Again, he laughs. “Well, it sounds like you two have more in common than expected.”

He has no idea.

“That being said, now that you believe her to be clean, what now? Should she continue to be a member of my Order or should she be disposed of anyway?”

 _No fucking way._ No one was going to touch her. But he had to stay calm. Unemotional. 

“Actually, sir, I...I plan to keep her as my partner. She’s very skilled, great at what she does, and we work well together.”

Snoke blinks. “You wish to keep her as your partner...I never thought I would see the day.”

It’s probably so fucking obvious. “She’s strong. Stronger than she knows,” Ben supplies casually.

“You have compassion for her?”

Ben swallows. “I admire her precision. She is useful to me.” The last person one should open up to was Snoke. He uses your emotions against you. He made that mistake once and it resulted in the death, _the murder,_ of his father. 

Snoke gives an unsettling sort of grin followed by one of his chuckles. "Useful to you...isn't that interesting? Perhaps someone seems to have finally caught your attention."

"It isn't like that, sir. I was referring to her skills in the field," Ben says, feeling sweaty.

Snoke hums, twisting his lips. “Very well. What you’ve told me is enough. Once I’m satisfied with her performance and convinced with her dedication for myself, I’ll bring her in to greet her, and then we can get her marked. Until then, I hope she knows that just because she’s satisfactory and technically innocent, she still has plenty to prove in our industry.”

“Of course, sir.”

“Very well. You’re dismissed.”

“Thank you, sir.”

He gets up to leave, ignoring the judgmental glares of the Praetorians as he exits the massive office. 

He rushes to meet up with Rey at a small café, as he told her the meeting wouldn’t take long. Snoke’s meetings rarely did. Today had been no exception and all that matters is that Snoke no longer has reason to think Rey is a double agent and that from here on out there were partners. For good.

She saves him a seat and he sits down beside her. “All good?” she asks him softly but he can see the slight nervous expression in her eyes. 

“All good,” he confirms. 

She takes a deep breath then before she settled a hand on his arm, looking relieved. He brings his hand to cover hers, holding it gently. 

Now he knows she understands (even if it’s in terms of their partnership) just how much she means to him. At least she knows he cares, even if the extent of his feelings still remain private. 

They got up to leave when they ate finished. As they step outside and prepare to cross the street, she reaches for his hand. 

They don’t let go until they get back home.

It wasn’t until later that Ben realizes it was the first time in years that he had thought of anywhere as a home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, the pacing in the flashback chapters seem pretty rushed and this 'reveal' probably should have been more dramatic but I can really only write soft Reylo these days (I have a doctor's note excusing me of any real angst. My heart is fragile). But we'll be getting more action and whatnot as we go. We are still in the early stages of this story and just getting rolling. 
> 
> BTW, I'm a firm 'Rey Nobody' stan. If her canon parents sold her to an abusive asshole like Plutt, that's not love, bitch. I think 'Rey Nobody' is so much more interesting than giving her some 'cool family name' (however, in light of recent events, you know I still would have taken Rey Kenobi over Rey Palpatine/Skywalker any day of the week!!). 
> 
> Anyways, (and I've probably mentioned this before in other fics) I always see Rey's parents as Mr. and Mrs. Spooge from that one Breaking Bad and how they neglect their small son who is so tragically chill with how sad his life is. So that's kind of the inspo for them.


	9. Gallery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Present day babes take a trip into the city with their littlest babe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to keep this one a bit shorter since the last chapter got pretty long, lol.

Ben smiled as he looked in the rearview mirror to see that Mae was dead asleep in the backseat, using her stuffed purple dog as a pillow. _Rufus,_ she called him. 

Ben nods over his shoulder so Rey will see for herself. “Oh, look at her,” Rey coos. “It’s amazing she can sleep like that and not get a kink in her neck.”

“Can you pass me her chocolate milk?” Ben asks her. “I want a sip. I’m out of coffee.”

Rey smirks, reaching for the oddly shaped bottle they bought at the donut shop and passing it to him. “If she knows you took it, she’ll be very upset,” Rey tells him.

Ben chuckles. “She lets me have some most mornings. Besides, as long as we put it back in the cupholder before she wakes up, she won’t know.”

“Do you actually like chocolate milk?”

Ben nods. “It’s really grown on me. I think I like Mae’s better though. She puts all that chocolate sauce in.”

“Has she been having pure chocolate sauce for breakfast?”

“No,” Ben answers nervously. “I watch her.” His smirk gives him away and she flicks him. 

Today they were headed into the city. Just them and Mae. Technically it was a field trip she was invited to go on with the other deaf students from her school. There weren’t very many though so they asked the parents to either carpool or drive up themselves. 

And them being as cautious as they were, Ben and Rey decided to drive up with her together. They knew just how dangerous the city was and they felt more comfortable accompanying her. 

Rey was Mae’s age when she was found by Ventress and taken to Dathomir. They don’t take any chances when it comes to the kids’ safety which is why Mae’s hearing aids were charging upfront with them just in case. They’ve died out before at inconvenient times and it was better to just be prepared. 

Ben doesn’t think he’ll ever feel relaxed in the city. He knows Rey is the same. 

But they didn’t want their fears to keep the kids from experiencing things. Besides, it was going to be a fairly short trip. Just a couple hours and then they would head home. 

They were going to an art gallery where a deaf artist was giving a talk to answer questions about her work and one of the teachers at Mae’s school thought it would be inspiring to the kids. Especially Mae who liked to color so much. 

Ben tries to tell himself to just breathe. He wanted to make sure Mae had a nice time. 

He smiles, looking at her once more in the mirror but panics slightly when she stirs and he fumbles to try and set the chocolate milk back in the cupholder. But she just adjusts her head slightly as she tries to get more comfortable and Ben smiles. But it was weird not to see the other two sitting in the back with her. It seemed odd to be going so far and to not have Lydia or Theo with them. They had actually offered to both of them if they were interested but Theo was overly excited about a drum lesson he didn’t want to miss and Lydia had a test in math she had studied hard for and didn’t want to postpone. 

The kids were so determined and enthusiastic and it's just another trait he assumed they inherit from their mother. If Ben were to get a free pass at their age to not go to school he would have taken it. But they went. So, Cassian and Jyn offered to pick them up from school. Rey tried to stop them and say that they shouldn’t have to spend their day off from the hospital doing them favors but they insisted. 

Jyn and Cassian were getting older but their medical careers didn’t start at the Chandrila Hosptial. They were on-call doctors at Maz’s for a long time. That’s why Ben has known them for over twenty years now. 

Ben first met Cassian when he was shot on one of his first First Order jobs and he waited longer than he should have to call for help. Cassian was not amused but Ben appreciated that he actually seemed concerned.

But when once he and Rey left that life behind, not too long Jyn and Cassian they followed suit, saying they wanted something else. Ben honestly doesn’t know how long they’ve been married but he imagines they always fantasized about starting a family. Unfortunately, they were too old by the time they left and unable to start their own. And while they had talked a lot about adopting, a regular hospital kept them just as busy. 

But they adored their three children. Jyn had helped Rey deliver all of them. Even Lydia in the beginning when they were still living at his mom’s house and they were too paranoid to go to a hospital. Jyn and Cassian came to them.

They owe them a lot. Even more, now that they’ve become so close and caring to the kids. But Ben can see they enjoy it. He can see it’s fulfilling to them in a way similar to Lando. To be a part of a family even when they didn’t have children of their own. They loved to see Lydia, Theodore, and Mae grow up too.

But growing up was hard and Ben still can’t believe that Lydia was twelve years old. It doesn’t seem like that long ago they started this all together, both he and Rey equally excited and terrified and in all honesty, clueless when it came to starting a family. But they did it and it was worth everything.

Admittedly, he was a little worried about Lydia. She seemed a little quiet within the past few days or so. He first noticed it that morning after he and Rey had been talking...or maybe crying was more accurate. 

He doesn’t know what came over him that night but sometimes he just got so emotional and with Rey, it was easy to just talk through what might have been bothering him because she was always listening. But that night they were talking about his dad which was always one of his heaviest thoughts. He knows Rey must be exhausted from endlessly telling him to find peace and accept that Han would be proud but it just didn’t feel that simple. 

Which is why he was worried about Lydia because he has the suspicion that she might have heard them talking. He catches her looking at him at times and she just gives him these nervous little smiles. 

“Rey?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think that...that Lydia heard us talking that night?”

She already knows what night he means. “Why would you think that?”

“She’s been different since that following morning. At least with me.”

“Ben, you might just be feeling paranoid because you were worried about how it may affect them.”

“But she just...she came down the next morning and she hugged me and told me she loved me and it seemed," Ben shook his head, trying to find the words to describe it. "I don’t know, it made me want to cry.”

“You were already thinking about all of that. She told you she loved you because she does. Just take it for what it is. Besides, this is Lydia. When she’s busy and has projects to do sometimes she just needs a little reminder that we’re there. She wanted a hug and you gave her one. That’s what matters.”  
Rey always had a way to sound so sensible and put it all in perspective. She was right. He always jumped to conclusions but Rey constantly helped to remind him things were not as dire as he was programmed to immediately assume.

Besides, she was right. He had been worried about how his children might see him if they learned more about his past and so he quickly jumped to the assumption that Lydia must have been affected by that night for the same reason.

Rey reaches over, brushing through his hair and combing it behind his ear. He chuckles, shaking his head. He knows what she’s doing. She always did that. Not just to him but the kids too.

As they officially make their way through the city, he can practically sense how Rey tenses just as he does. 

He looks over to see her watching out the window, past old streets that lead to certain places they had spent years trying to forget. But hears her take a deep breath when they’re at a stoplight and she’s looking at the street signs. He knows they are getting close to Niima Street. The street that Rey spent half of her life named after once Ventress found her there. Ben reaches over, settling his hand on her leg. “Sweetheart,” he starts softly.

“I know,” she says quickly, lacing her fingers through his. “I know. I don’t mean to think about it.”

“It’s hard not to.”

“I bet the school is still open," Rey says quietly, still looking out the window. "That woman seemed determined to make it at least a few centuries.”

Ben chuckled. “I remember when you first told me you thought she was a vampire.”

“She is,” Rey insists playfully, but she squeezes his hand a little tighter. “I thought that was why the class sizes kept getting smaller. Ten year old me thought I had to do better than everyone so I would be exempt from getting eaten.”

He knows she’s trying to joke but it still seems so tragic. 

They stay like that until they arrive and Ben parks. He looks to see Mae yawning and rubbing her eyes. Rey is already unplugging the hearing aids and moving to help her get out. Ben makes sure the parking permit is visible on the dashboard before he grabs his jacket and gets out to assist Rey with Mae. 

Luckily, she doesn’t seem to notice anything suspicious about her empty chocolate milk but she does seem a little drowsy from her nap. Ben picks her up and smiles as she rests her head on his shoulder. The three of them head inside the building. 

* * *

They met up with the small group of other kids and Mae’s teacher. Even though she was friendly with the other kids, Mae lingers by Ben and Rey. They take a stroll around the gallery and Mae seems interested in each piece for a grand total of five seconds before she wants to move to the next one but they try to encourage her to slow down. 

But Rey thinks Ben is being the real child because he takes every opportunity to bring an arm around her shoulder or let his hand linger on her back because whenever they are around other dads from the kids’ schools, he seems convinced they are all staring at her. 

When they sit down eventually for the artist’s talk and everyone is settling to find a seat, Rey leans over to him. “I don’t know why you get so worked up about this,” she mutters so Mae can’t hear her.

“I don’t like the way they look at you. Especially Andy’s dad, Paul,” Ben says quietly, glaring at the back of the man’s head a few rows ahead.

“And I don’t particularly like how some of the moms look at you, but you don’t see me fondling you in public.”

“I wouldn’t have a problem with it,” he smirks, scooting even closer.

Rey rolls her eyes. “I would like our children to have memories of going places without recalling how much their parents grope each other.”

Ben chuckles. She’s right, of course. 

The featured artist appears then and although there is a scattering of clapping it is mostly the sign language equivalent. 

The artist gives her entire speech in sign language. Ben and Rey watch as Mae is so focused on what the woman is conveying before they smile at each other.

She liked it, they could tell. Mae, naturally, was pretty soft-spoken. Perhaps the most out of all their children but she’s also had to face hardships and difficulties that none of them have ever personally experienced. It is frustrating to live in a world that relies heavily on a sense you don’t have. But even then, Mae is just so bright. She’s rarely discouraged. Maybe intimidated or worried at times but very strong. Stronger than she knows.

Besides, she was only five and it was natural for children that age to be wary of the world just as much as they are curious about it.

So they really appreciated these little trips her school organized. It was to help show the kids that just because you’re deaf, it shouldn’t keep you from doing anything you hope to do. It can help drive you forward.

At the end, Mae holds up her hands in applause and beams at her parents. “I like her. She’s nice.”

“She is,” Rey agrees, fiddling with her flyaway hairs. “Do you want to meet her yourself?” Rey asks her, looking to see the people that were walking up to talk to her, including some of her classmates.

Mae’s eyes go big before she quickly shakes her head. Mae was still very cautious about people and as good as she was at talking with her parents and her siblings, Mae’s teachers convey that at school she’s still very quiet. But she’s getting better little by little and they are proud of that. 

“That’s okay,” Rey tells her, rubbing her back. “Anything else you want to do?”

“Can we look at her pictures one more time?” Mae asks.

“The paintings?” Rey tries to clarify and Mae nods.

“Uh-huh. Paintings.”

“Yeah, we can make another lap,” Ben tells her, standing up and grabbing her hand. Mae beams and Rey makes to follow after them. 

Ben really was, in Rey’s mind, the perfect father. He identifies with Mae’s shyness a lot from his own childhood and doesn’t want to pressure her into anything that is too stressful. He has more than his fair share of memories where his parents thrust him into a situation that he still gets nervous over at the age of forty-two. 

But he was so patient with the kids and Rey wishes he didn’t have so many doubts about himself. She watches as he picks Mae up so she can see some of the paintings a little better and the two of them point to little things they like. 

Ben was a wonderful and extremely loving father. And she supposes that if he has any doubts about that, she’ll have to prove it to him. She sneaks out her phone and takes a picture of them without their notice. 

She admires it for a moment before she instinctively sends it to Lando. He loved to see this stuff.

Lando was excellent with technical things. Which is why she didn’t let Ben get away with the excuse that he was too old to figure out how to text properly. She knows he’s just bitter about how tiny the screens are. 

But Lando was much better equipped so he texts back almost instantly. 

_That’s definitely going in a frame. I’ll print some out._

Rey smirks. _Save me one._

 _Of course. How’s the art gallery going? Does she like it?_ Lando asks. They told him they were coming here today. 

_Yeah. Even more after the talk. That’s why we’re taking an extra look around. She wanted to see them again._

Lando takes a moment to respond but then, _She’s so much like Ben was._

Rey smiles at the screen knowing the older man was right. She sees Ben in all their children, but there’s something about Mae that reminds her so much of him. She didn’t know Ben when he was a little but she can imagine he was extremely shy but sweet like Mae was. 

* * *

They’re getting ready to head back but Rey tells Mae to come to the bathroom and try to go because it’s a long drive back and it was better to go now. So Ben waited in the gallery gift shop but they also had a café so he stood in line to order something. But as he stood there, his hands in his jacket pockets, subconsciously counting exits, he hears his name in a voice he hasn’t heard in years.

“Ben?”

Ben’s head snaps to the side to see Poe Dameron standing less than five feet away from him. 

“Jesus...Poe,” Ben breathes out, feeling like his surge of memories were giving him whiplash. He steps away, losing his place in line. But suddenly he’s much more alert and not in need of coffee. 

“I knew it was you. Took me a minute with the goatee thing you’ve got going on but it works,” Poe tells him, gesturing to Ben’s face. “How long has it been?” Poe chuckles, extending his hand which Ben shakes.

“Just about thirteen years,” Ben tells him. 

“Fuck, that makes me feel old.”

Ben smirks, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“What are you doing here?” Poe asks a little more quietly. 

“We’re just here for the day. We’re about to head home.”

“Where is she?” Poe asks, looking around, knowing he means Rey. 

“Bathroom. She’ll be out in a minute,” Ben explains, smirking. 

“Well, how is she? How’s the young and fearsome Rey?” Poe asks. Ben just smiles, trying to find the words but Poe just laughs. “Holy shit. You’re married to her for over a decade and you still blush when you think about her. That’s adorable, Solo. True love at its finest.”

Ben rolls his eyes, figuring that was answer enough. “How about you? Where’s Finn?” 

“He’s ‘concierging’ today,” he says, recovering from his laughter. “He still works at Maz’s.”

“Are you two still–?”

“Yeah. Been married six years at the end of the month.”

“Wow, Congratulations.” Ben had no idea they got married. But they haven't exactly been keeping up with them either. They should have stayed in touch but Ben was just too nervous to keep in contact with anyone, especially because even when he and Rey left this behind, Poe was still working.

“Finn doesn’t know I’m here, actually. We came by a few days ago and there’s a painting he really liked. I was coming to make an offer on it so I could give it to him for our anniversary but if you’re here something tells me you bought your wife everything they have.”

“Very funny, but no. I didn’t get anything. We just came for the artist’s talk.”

“Why?”

Before Ben could answer, he hears familiar footsteps behind him and he turns to see his wife and Mae approaching. Rey’s eyes blow wide as soon as she sees who he’s talking to. 

“Poe?” she says, trying to whisper. They were technically still inside the gallery. Poe beams and Rey steps forward to give him a hug. “My God, it’s been so long. You look well.”

 _“I look well?_ Look at you,” Poe throws back, looking at her. “Rey, you look amazing. ”

“Oh, please,” Rey rolls her eyes. “You haven’t changed much, then. I’m sure you still drive Finn crazy.”

“Guaranteed,” Poe winks.

“How is he?” Rey asks eagerly.

“Good. I know he’d love to see you guys but I’m on a stealth mission today.”

Ben sees how Rey’s face sinks a bit at his words and he realizes she thinks Poe is serious. “He’s here to buy a painting for Finn. Their anniversary is coming up,” he tells her.

“Right. Of course,” she says, laughing at herself and shaking her head a little. “That’s lovely. So thoughtful.”

“I just hope it’s not already taken,” Poe shrugs, but then his attention wanders down to where Mae was hiding behind Rey. “Who do we have here?”

Rey takes her hand, gently guiding her to show her face. “This is Mae.”

Poe smiles, “Wow, look at her. She’s got those Solo eyes,” he teases, looking to Ben. “How you doing, Mae?”

Mae smiles but doesn’t say anything, attempting to hide behind Ben’s legs now. She could get so shy with new people. “Mae, this is Poe. He’s an old friend of ours,” Ben tells her gently.

She looks up at him curiously, as if to double-check it was alright before she looks back at Poe, still half behind him. 

“Hi, Poe,” she says softly and Poe’s reaction is immediate. The man looks like he’s melting. 

“Hey. Nice to meet you, Mae.”

“Nice to meeting you too,” Mae says back, still sounding a little nervous but Ben is proud of her. It was hard for her to come out of her shell but she always did so well.

Poe looks up at them. He has a look on his face that Ben immediately interprets as _‘smitten’_ because Mae just had that effect on people. 

“How old are you, Mae?”

Mae holds up her palm, all her fingers out. 

“You’re five years old?” Poe asks, sounding amazed. 

Mae giggles a little. “Uh-huh.”

“Wow, how exciting. You’re all grown up then.”

Mae giggles again, not as hidden as she was before and Ben smiles down at her. He can’t imagine how daunting the world must seem to Mae sometimes but with every small step, she was proving just how amazing she was at being a part of it.

Poe straightens his back, returning to his full height. “She’s adorable.”

Ben just smiles. “I know.”

Poe snorts. “Man, look at this guy,” he says looking at Rey. “Such a softie. I like how family life looks on him.”

Rey steps closer to Ben. “Me too,” she says.

“Is she your youngest?”

“Yeah. Our third,” Ben answers. “Our other two are at school today.”

“Ahh, too bad. I’d love to meet them.”

“Well...maybe you and Finn could come to visit sometime. For dinner or something,” Rey offers, partly looking at Ben to see if he agrees. He nods. He trusted Poe and Finn. 

And he would much prefer Finn and Poe to come to them than Ben bringing his family back to the city. 

“We’ll take you up on that one if you mean it.”

“We do,” Ben assures him. 

Poe nods, “Alright then, keeping up with the Solo’s...sounds fun.”

Just then, Poe catches sight of one of the gallery owners he came to talk to so he pulls them in for one more quick hug. 

“I can’t believe I ran into guys. We all missed you so much.”

“We missed you too,” Rey says when they pull away.

“Alright, well...Be seein’ you two,” he chuckles quietly.

“Be seein’ you, Poe,” Ben smiles, recalling the old farewell they were all accustomed to using in the old days. 

_‘Be seein’ you’_ was casual enough to end on because you never knew when someone wasn’t going to survive their next job. But it was just another way the hitman lifestyle desensitized people to the weight of reality.

“And you, little Mae,” Poe says before leaving. “I was very honored to meet you. You’ve got the best parents a kid could have, don’t you think?”

“Uh-huh,” Mae nods.

He ruffles the top of her head. “Smart kid.”

And with that the man steps away, chasing after another man who was patrolling the gallery. 

Ben didn’t ask if he was still working. If Ben is being honest with himself, he doesn’t want to know. Ben didn’t like to have reminders that they were still organizations in the city that were tailored to take people out. It made him more anxious to gather his family and head to the car. 

He and Rey did a lot of damage in the old days and they’re lucky they just ran into Poe and not someone with an old vendetta.

He didn’t need a price on their heads. 

The thought alone makes him skittish. They really should be going.

“Alright, ready, baby?” he asks Mae.

She nods up at him and that’s all he needs to see to pick her up and head towards the door with Rey beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright folks, hold on. Our present-day babes are in for a RIDE soon enough


	10. Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> flashback babes again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, just keep this gif in mind.  
> 
> 
> This fic is jibberish right now but I am not bothered. I know I'm posting a lot of updates but I had a lot of these early chapters written and worked out before I started posting this story so it doesn't take me long to organize them the way I need them to alternate correctly with the present-day storyline. I should really stick to a schedule but I'm way too impatient so I'm just gonna give them to you as they come. 
> 
> YEET!!

It’s been two weeks since Rey had discovered the truth of her parents. 

Two weeks since Ben explained everything to her. 

Two weeks that they haven’t had to worry about secrets.

Because now they told each other everything. 

Well, almost everything. Ben still felt like there was plenty he was keeping to himself but he didn’t want to push it. He already felt way too lucky that she didn’t run from him that morning.

Something had changed after all that. The barriers they had before weren’t there anymore.

Personal space was evaporating as they would get closer. They held hands occasionally. Mostly when it seemed convenient enough when walking together on the street although there are more than a few occasions where they seem to just do it anyway, such as standing in an elevator. 

They never really talked about why, but they didn’t need to. When they sat down to watch TV they sat closely and Rey would often lean her head on his shoulder. 

It was such a contrast from the recklessness they would inflict upon their targets. The instant they were done working, it’s like they reverted back into children that held hands and whispered secrets to each other. 

And maybe that was ridiculous but Ben honestly didn’t care. 

He loves her so much that sometimes it almost hurts. Because he loves what they have now. This comfort they share. It was rare and beautiful in its own way and he didn’t want to ruin it. 

So Ben just kept his true feelings to himself, beyond grateful for the moments he does get with her. 

That’s how they are now. They are in Vancouver, chasing another contract but they had settled for the evening. They ate out that evening. They got tacos at a food truck and Rey wiped some hot sauce of his face which should have been such a cliché moment but he didn’t care and he ate the rest of his taco desperately hoping he made a mess so she could do it again but he wasn’t so lucky. 

They returned to the hotel after eating. Lately, they’ve been getting the suites that are big enough to have one living space but two bedrooms.

Sometimes they would return so late they would both just bid each other goodnight and go straight to bed. But sometimes they got back early enough where they would just linger and watch TV or talk. They were Ben’s favorite days. And tonight was early enough to be one of them. 

Rey leaves to clean up a bit but emerges again with her hair up and clad in soft clothes he knows she didn’t get from Vanar’s but he quite liked on her. She comes to join him on the couch where he gives her the remote so she can pick what they watch.

They watch some god awful Stephen King movie that makes them laugh but they fill most of the air with conversation.

But then Rey asks him a question.

“Do you think, maybe the next time we’re in New York, if we have time, you’d like to meet some friends of mine?”

His heart picks up as she watches him closely, waiting for him to answer.

“Oh, uh...yeah.”

“I had two really close friends at Dathomir, Rose and Paige. They’re sisters. They’re how I met Finn from Maz’s.”

Ben’s heart sinks a little bit. _Maybe she likes Finn._ She's mentioned him a few times now and he can tell they text occasionally.

“I know Finn told them I was upset after leaving Maz’s that night and they just want to catch up sometime. I know they’re worried and I just want them to know I’m okay.”

He nods.

“And they’d love to meet you.”

“Me?” he asks, confused.

Rey smiles. “Yes, you. Who else, Ben?”

“Right.” Of course. This is what normal people did. They had friends and would meet up to chat and hang out and have civil conversations.

None of which Ben was known for with anyone besides, well...the girl sitting next to him.

“Besides,” Rey says, “I think Finn wants to introduce his new boyfriend too.”

Instantly, Ben feels better. “I’d love to meet them.”

She gives him the softest kind of smile and it makes his heart flip in his chest.

He loves her so much.

“Thank you,” she says. 

They chat about a few other things after that, drifting in and out of the movie that was playing but honestly it doesn’t take long before he can tell she’s getting sleepy as she slowly starts to deflate against him and rest her head against his shoulder. He has to hide his smile even though she couldn’t see it anyway.

He doesn’t care how long his day was or how any stress or guilt that might have been gnawing at him. This always made him feel infinitely better. And he doesn't think he’s ever heard anything better than Rey snoring. She had the softest little snores. 

Of course, he’s mentioned this to her before but she didn’t believe him. 

“You know you snore?” he mentioned to her the first time about a week ago.

“No, I don’t,” she insisted.

“Yes...you do.”

“No. I slept in a room with half a dozen people for years and they never told me I snored. You’re imagining things.”

“Okay, fine,” he laughed, deciding to drop it. 

But she snores. Definitely. The evidence was right here. 

Ben slowly finds himself leaning his head closer to hers until his cheek rests snugly against her hair, feeling more relaxed than he ever would have thought possible.

He thinks about tomorrow. Ideally, yes, they’re busy and they have to work. But above all else, Ben wants tomorrow to be as good as it can for Rey. As much as Rey seemed to discard that file DJ gave her a few weeks ago, Ben held onto it. 

He’s done his fair share of crying over it when he was alone, especially when he looks at that one picture of her that breaks his heart. 

But most of all, he’s dug through all the forms and papers and found something he’s surprised DJ didn’t share with her. A shitty xerox of a birth certificate with her name on it. Revealing something that he knows she’s always wanted.

A birthday. 

He’s of course thought about telling her, but he’s held off for the reason of surprising her. Because tomorrow, she would officially be twenty years old and he thought it might be a nice surprise for her to know that she could actually have a birthday. 

Ben honestly doesn’t recall the last time he really fully acknowledged his own birthday. He used to make cards for his mom and send them to her from Luke’s but he’s not sure that counts. But he wanted to make Rey’s special so he’s waited, trying to think of how to do so.

So maybe that’s why he actually acknowledged what was in some of the windows he was passing by for once. Maybe that’s why he caught sight of the tiny bracelet he totally would have ignored if he strolled past it a month ago.

But when he saw it about a week ago, officially on the search for something he could give her, something in his gut told him that she would like it.

So he bought it, enduring a grueling speech from the sales representative that was agonizingly trying to pry for answers like the size of his girlfriend’s wrist and her preference in colors for jewelry.

Ben claimed that she wasn’t his girlfriend which quickly led the woman to jump to the next likely outcome of which he was buying it for his wife but Ben just left it be, getting it in a size he figured would fit her. He got silver since her earrings were too. She had three piercings on both ears that she told him were done by the other girls she shared a room with which was partially horrifying but mostly amusing to Ben. He couldn’t really picture what went on in Dathomir after lights out but piercing each other sounded about right.

But that’s beside the point. The point being that getting her anything won’t count for shit if he doesn’t build up the nerve to go through with it.

But this wasn’t about him being nervous or fucking hopeless with people, this was about giving Rey a day she’s never been allowed to have before. A day he wants her to have.

He loves her too damn much to do anything else.

* * *

Rey thinks he’s been acting odd all day. But it’s not exactly unnerving or secretive or anything too concerning. Because it’s coming from Ben so in a way, Rey found it amusing. Endearing. 

His lips were either pursed like he was doing some heavy thinking or he was opening his mouth to speak, but the words wouldn’t come. 

He had been a pain to get out of the hotel this morning. He really wanted to delay work until tomorrow and go get breakfast somewhere but she rolled her eyes and pulled him along with her. The sooner they got work done, the sooner it was over.

So they’re on their stomachs on the top of a building, waiting to see Moloch, Rebolt, and Syke. Three drug traffickers that had become problematic, at least according to Snoke. They were working under Lady Proxima’s employment, another competing head in the industry. 

But Ben explains that Snoke has a special bitterness towards her as he suspects that Proxima and Snoke have some sort of intimate history. He had shuddered at the thought of it and Rey couldn’t help but giggle at him. 

The three men lumber out of the barbershop, smacking the back of each other’s heads and poking each other. Rey rolls her eyes. They have trailed plenty of idiots by now but these three were ridiculous. She doubts they could ever be covert or organized enough to be involved with anything. “God, they’re like a bunch of teenagers, aren’t they?”

“Yeah,” Ben agrees with a chuckle. “Although I don’t know many teenagers...except maybe one,” he smirks. 

She gasps in mock offense, trying to hide her smile. “Says the only senior citizen, I know,” she throws back, promptly smacking him on the arm but he just bounces with laughter. 

“Very funny, sweetheart.”

_Sweetheart._

He called her that sometimes and it made her smile like an idiot. 

The gentleness she admires of him has only increased since that one weekend in New York. It still hurts to think about as she now knows that two people that she always thought she would love her forever, were not only dead but never really loved her in the first place. She never really had a family. 

But now she has him...Ben. And every day, she thinks she’s more and more certain that it isn’t just gratitude she feels. It isn’t just an appreciation of their closeness and friendship she values of him. It feels more like something she’s never felt before. Something she’s nervous to name after her love of her parents had been so suddenly pulled out beneath her. 

She thinks sometimes he might be having a similar dilemma, but it's too impossible. Holding hands and sitting close on the couch was one thing but romance was another. 

And Talzin always said romance was redundant, destructive, and most of all distracting. She bred all her girls to be as unemotional as possible but still talented enough to interest those that would be willing to give information in return for something physical. That lesson always turned Rey’s stomach as she vowed to herself that she wouldn’t have to resort to such tactics. Because she was too emotional of a person. 

But she hasn’t been more aware of that than now. These past few weeks have made her much more in tune with who she really was. And as hard as it’s been to face at times, Ben has been with her every step of the way. And despite the grittiness and harshness to their jobs, she can’t deny the almost domesticity they share.

They now end up sharing suites at the hotels now, keeping to separate beds but sharing the same spaces. There is endless opportunity for one of them to make a move, but admittedly, she was waiting for him to do it since she imagined he had some sort of experience with it and she would just sound like some dumb kid. After all, he definitely caught plenty of attention from women. She had to save him from one the first week they were partners from that bar in San Francisco.

Or maybe he just wasn’t interested in Rey in that way. She knows he thinks she’s young. Maybe _too young._ Confirmed once again by his teenager comment a moment ago. 

And who knows? Maybe this was part of grieving. Latching onto whatever or whoever seems closest. But Rey hated to think of it that way. Her time with Ben felt genuine. 

“Let’s leave them be for today. We already know where they’ll be tomorrow morning. We’ll take care of them then,” Ben said suddenly. Standing up.

“Not tonight?” 

“No, not tonight. Tonight we’re busy.”

“‘Busy?’ Doing what?” 

“You’ll see. But come on, we gotta hustle,” he says, offering his hand to help her up.

“What are you doing? Why aren’t we–” she starts, looking back to the three men speeding off in their car. "Ben, they're getting away!"

“Rey, those three are going to go off to clubs and get hammered and go be dipshits. Let’s wait until the morning when they’re hungover and they won’t give us any trouble.”

“I doubt they’d be any trouble now,” she scoffs but he quickly guides her back to the stairs. “What’s with you all of a sudden? All day you’ve been quiet and now you’re rushing us out of work for–”

“This is more important than work.”

She waits, biting her tongue until they’re back in his car and then she really needs answers. “Ben, seriously, what are we doing?”

“Do you trust me?” he asks with a smile, turning the key in the ignition and the engine roars to life.

_Trust._

Trust was one of the many things Rey was instructed to never have in anyone. Some lesson that was. The first man she meets out of Dathomir and she trusted him more than anyone.

“I do,” she says and that seems to be all his ego needs as he speeds away in the opposite direction of their targets. 

As they’re flying down the freeway, listening to music (he let her pick) and the wind blows their hair all around, she looks over to him and smiles. 

The man was definitely up to something.

* * *

He knew Rey was confused but she was going along with it. She had this knowing sort of smirk on her face but he could tell she was enjoying not knowing what he was doing. Like she was busy trying to figure him out before he could reveal everything to her. 

But he doesn't think she’ll guess. 

He arrives at the bakery he had placed his order with several hours ago once he realized Rey’s stubbornness wasn’t going to wear out. He looks to her now and Rey’s bafflement increases further, especially when he tells her to wait in the car.

“I suppose you expect me to wait like that labrador in the next car over because I’m not allowed in?” Rey asks him, pointing to the dog sticking his head out of an open window. 

“Yes, Rey. That’s exactly what I think. I think you’re a labrador,” he teases. “Just give me a minute. I just need to pick something up.”

She huffs, but acquiesces and crosses her arms, staying seated and giving a loud huff in his direction. 

“Thank you.”

He steps in and walks up to the woman behind the counter. “Hello,” she greets him.

“Hi, uhh…” he doesn’t think he’s ever been in a situation like this before. Just walking into a sweets bakery to pick up a cake he ordered. He tries to recall the right way to act. “I called in an order a few hours ago. I’m here to pick it up.”

“What’s your name?” she asks, looking down to a list behind the register. 

He had called it in with his real name. It felt good. Like it was normal to refer to himself as such. “Ben.”

She hums to herself as she looks through the list until she finds him. “Ah, here you are. Mr. Solo, correct?”

“Yeah.”

“Yes, they just finished it. Let me go get it from the back.”

“Thank you.”

He looks around, grabbing a plethora of napkins and some plastic utensils as well as a box of candles. The young woman returns with a pink box then, setting it on the counter. 

“Okay, you had a medium, two-tiered chocolate cake with a personal message on top,” she says looking over the order before opening the box and letting him look at it. “How does it look?”

Ben smiles. “Looks perfect,” he says, already pulling the cash out of his wallet. “I’ll take these candles too,” he says, sliding them over while she tied the box up with a white string. She rings him up but he turns down the offer of a bag, cramming the candles and napkins and whatnot into his free pockets.

He picks up the box and makes to leave. 

“Wait, sir. Your change,” she calls after him. 

He honestly has no idea how much money he forked over for the cake but judging by the girl’s face it must have been a lot. 

“Put it in the tip jar,” he called back as he opened the door again. 

He gets back in the car, ignoring Rey’s questioning looks of fury to carefully situate the cake in the back seat.

“Did you get donuts or something? Are they half off after midday.”

“Oh, listen to you. Full of jokes all of a sudden.”

“Well maybe if you told me what you were doing I would have some more manners.”

“Soon enough,” he tells her. “Just be patient. I think you’re gonna like this,” he tells her genuinely as he puts the car back in drive and speeds down the road. He had to get creative and mess around a bit on the maps on his phone which was tedious because the screen is microscopic but he got what he needed as he threads his way through the streets, getting closer to the bay where the city looks out from so it wasn’t too long of a drive at all before Ben parks again, this time in a fairly empty parking lot in Stanley Park that looked out on the water. 

“Ben?” Rey says with a chuckle.

“Come on,” he says, unbuckling and already moving to the back to check on the cake, hoping his turns haven’t wreaked havoc on the icing. His pockets are all occupied with a plethora of items that were keeping him a bit off-balance from usual but he manages it well enough as he locks it and heads closer for the water and she follows, her hand grabbing his.

When he pulls her to an empty bench that looks out on the harbor, it reminds him of that night they sat on that bench in San Francisco and looked out at the bay while they ate burgers. That had kind of been his impromptu plan. He hopes she notices that too.

It hasn’t been long since then but so much seems to have changed. Never could he have anticipated just how much she would come to mean to him. 

But when they sit down she just stares at him. “Alright, what is it? Why the hell are we on a bench with a box of donuts instead of chasing down our targets?”

“It’s not donuts,” he tells her, setting the box aside. He had some explaining to do before he revealed it to her. 

“What is it then? Did you get us a funnel cake for dinner?” she laughs. 

“Rey,” he says lowly and his tone alone seems to make her pay attention as she looks to him more seriously. “Listen, there’s...there’s something I really want to tell you and I–” he stops himself. He always ruins it when he opens his mouth. “I already know I’m going to fuck this up.” He knew he would. That’s why he’s trying to overcompensate with the view, and the cake, and the present hiding in his breast pocket. “And I’m sorry I’m making a big deal out of this. I’m not good at these kinds of things. I’ve never done this for anyone but I want to do it for you.”

She chuckles. “Ben, what are you talking about?”

He takes a heavy sigh, before facing her more completely and covering her hand in his. “Rey, I’m sorry if this makes you upset but...I kept that file that DJ gave you.”

Her smile instantly falls and he squeezes her hand. That’s probably the last thing she expected to hear after their more lighthearted antics.

“At first it was because I didn’t want you to see it any more than you had to, then because I didn’t want anyone else getting ahold of it. But then, I was looking through it and I found medical records that DJ had found.”

“Medical records?” she breathes out. “I didn’t think I had any.”

“You do...not much, but just enough.”

“Just enough for what?”

“To have a certain date of birth.”

“What?” she croaks out, blinking back. She seems to finally understand what he’s saying.

“Today's your birthday, Rey,” he tells her softly. 

Her mouth hangs open, her eyes almost instantly well with tears. “Are you...are you serious?”

He reaches into his jacket, ignoring the smaller box to grab the folded up piece of paper he’s been carrying around. He passes it to her. He had strategically folded it so that the only thing she could see was the name of the clinic, her name, and her date of birth. He didn’t want her to have to dwell on her parent’s names or anything else. 

“May twenty-fourth,” she says in a hushed voice.

He gently runs his hand past her back as she takes it all in. She folds her lips as her tears begin to fall and Ben thinks he’s made a mistake. If anything he should have done this at the hotel. 

But then she gives a small laugh. “Today’s my birthday. My actual, real birthday.”

“It is,” he assures her.”

She chuckles, rubbing her nose. “I never thought I’d have a real one. Thank you, Ben. Thank you for finding this for me. I didn’t think I could bear to find out anything else that file had to tell me but...maybe it wasn’t all bad.”

Ben grits his teeth. Overall, it had been pretty horrible. If she hadn’t told him all those weeks ago that she didn’t know her exact birthday, he doesn’t think he would have thought to check. But she’s right. In a way, it was the silver lining she needed.

So with that, he reaches for the pink box and passes it to her. “Go ahead.”

She looks to him so sincerely as she finally seems to connect the dots as to what it is and it’s like Ben can actually feel this all searing itself deep into his memory because he would never let himself forget this. She sniffles slightly as she opens it and he can’t tell if it’s a laugh or a sob that leaves her as she reads what’s written so elegantly on the cake.

_Happy Birthday Rey!_

No, she’s definitely crying. Quickly he scoots closer, pulling her into him as he manages to hug her as well as he can on the bench. “I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have–”

Rey is quick to interrupt him. “No, Ben, I love it. Thank you.”

He takes a deep breath, mostly in relief that she approves. “Of course...Happy Birthday, Rey,” he says for himself, suddenly realizing that it was the first time she’s ever heard that before.

She chuckles, pulling back to smile at the cake again. “What...What do I do?”

“Ah, well,” he reaches in his pocket, pulling out the candles and his old lighter he still carries around even if he stopped smoking a few years ago. “I’m going to light some candles and then I’m going to embarrass you horribly in public because that’s what birthdays are all about. So I’m going to sing to you in my beautiful troll voice and you will have finally faced the full Ben Solo birthday experience.”

Rey laughs, wiping her face a bit as she helps balance the cake half on his lap so he can stick a few candles in and light them. The glow of it on her face is distracting but he stows that away for now as he dives right into easily the most ridiculous thing he’s ever done so out in the open. 

“Happy birthday to you...Happy birthday to you…” Rey blushes so furiously and it’s probably the cutest thing he’s ever seen. “Happy birthday, dear Rey...Happy birthday to you.” He nudges her playfully and then she blows out the candles. “And now you’re twenty.”

She laughs. “Just like that?”

“Of course. That’s how it works,” he tells her with a smirk, passing her one of the plastic forks.

“What? We eat it now?” she asks him curiously.

“I figured so,” Ben shrugs, watching in amusement as she instantly digs in and takes a bite.

“Ben…” she says seriously. “This is amazing.”

“I’m glad,” he chuckles taking a bite for himself, both of them destroying the beautiful frosting. “I honestly don’t remember the last time I had cake.” But then a memory comes to mind and before the hurt could settle in, it makes him laugh. “My dad used to let me have cake for dinner on my birthday.”

Rey looks surprised and he realizes it’s because of the mention of his father. And it’s then that it all sinks in again and he just feels guilty. She knows how heavy that weighs on him. She saw it for herself. Admitting his greatest shame to her made ta lot come flooding back but she had been there to hold him.

“That’s sweet,” she says softly.

“Yeah...it drove my mom crazy,” he forces a chuckle, trying to focus on the good.

“When’s your birthday then?” Rey asks, maybe realizing he wasn’t in the mood to talk about the bigger topics. 

He smirks. “Why?”

“So I can do something nice for you too when it comes, dummy!” she pokes his arm, pretending to sound annoyed. “Also because I just want to know.”

“October thirtieth,” he admits with a smirk. 

“Oh, spooky,” Rey snorts, taking another bite of her cake.

“Yeah, especially my yearly cavities as a kid.”

"Did you trick or treat as a kid?" she asks him and he nods, taking another bite. "What would you go as?"

Ben snorts. "Uh...that's classified."

"No, tell me. Tell me."

He seriously can't say no to her. Not even to spare himself from embarrassment. "Alright, well, I grew out of it pretty early so I used to dress as Kermit."

Rey laughs, covering her mouth as she gets frosting all over her face. "Aww, that's adorable."

"No, it wasn't. If you had seen me, you'd realize it was criminal of mother to buy it."

One of the boats blares a horn then and their focus turns to the water. Ben’s eyes trail away, looking around at the plantlife and what not. The little sprinkling of wildflowers. It reminds him of the remaining item in his pocket. 

Maybe he should wait. Or maybe he didn’t have to. Fuck, he's so indecisive. He didn’t really know what the proper order of anything was but his instincts have got him this far so he decides to just give in.

Reaching for it, he passes it over to her, his palms already sweating. It was no big deal. He was just giving her a present. That was customary to do for birthdays. Even if he doesn’t think he’s ever given anyone anything for their birthday. Making a pasta necklace for his mom back in the first grade didn’t really count.

She looks to it curiously. Like she's trying to figure out what such a box would be for. But he knows she's probably never been given anything before so this all must seem odd. “What’s this?”

“It’s nothing. Just part of the birthday thing,” he says as casually as he can. 

She looks to the small wrapped box curiously before setting the cake aside and taking it from him. “Ben, you didn’t have to get me anything.”

“I wanted to. You may be twenty but technically this is your first birthday we're celebrating. You had to get a present,” he jokes.

She unwraps the paper and the sound itself makes Ben realize he was at a point of no return. She was going to open it, see what he got her, and probably hate it.

“Listen, I’m telling you right now that you don’t have to like it and you don’t have to bother with it if you don’t want to I just–”

“Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

He does, watching as she opens the square velvet box and sees the thin silver bracelet inside with the flowers on it.

They had reminded him instantly of the flowers on that dress she wore that one night in San Francisco and he thought she might like it. That’s the whole reason it caught his attention in the first place. But now he was just kicking himself. He felt so stupid.

“It’s not practical for work and maybe it’s not your style. I just saw it and I thought maybe..." he shakes his head, regretting this. His stomach toils with uncertainty. "But seriously, you don’t have to wear it.”

He hears her sniffle again. “No, Ben, I love it.”

He shuts his mouth, at first thinking she’s just being nice. But she has a look on her face that he knows couldn’t be fake. “You do?” he asks her, genuinely surprised.

“Of course. It’s beautiful,” she says, trying to get it out of the box. He assists her, putting it around her wrist and smiling when she turns her arm a bit to get a better look at it on her. “I love it. No one has ever gotten me anything like this...or anything at all," she says a little sadly, but it changes quickly enough as she looks up at him again. "Ben, thank you,” she says, leaning forward to hug him. 

He accepts it graciously, smiling into her shoulder.

“I’m sorry this is all I planned. I’m not good with these things. I was probably supposed to take you someplace where they sing to you at the table while they bring you a sombrero or a crown or something but–”

“No, Ben. This was perfect.”

“Rey, you’ve said that about everything but–”

“No, I’m serious. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I like that it’s just us and that you went to all this trouble just to make me feel like this. It’s so thoughtful,” she says, her fingers tracing over the bracelet. “If I could have chosen anywhere to be it’d be here, like this, with you.”

He gulps, his mouth feeling dry at her words. His heart was beating in his ears as he felt it trying to fall out of his mouth in an attempt to tell her the truth he’s kept to himself. The truth of his feelings. 

“Well, I...I want you to feel thought of and cared for and…”

She’s so close, listening to him so intently. She looks so beautiful. Her eyes are glazed from earlier tears but she no longer looks sad. And then he sees her eyes flit down...as if she was looking at his lips.

He finds himself doing the same. Focused solely on her soft lips and mostly how they seemed to be getting closer.

And then, he gives a small gasp as he feels her lips press against his cheek, nearly on the corner of his mouth.

“I do feel cared for,” she whispers. 

Fuck...that’s all he needs to hear. To know she feels special and important to him means everything. But there was another matter. A matter of his heart that is more intense. And he thinks he would very much like to kiss her. Reaching for her arm, his hand settling on her elbow as they are just inches from each other.

“Rey,” he breathes out.

Maybe he’s imaging this because it’s too damn perfect. It couldn’t be real.

But it is, which is probably why the moment he starts to believe that, they both jolt in surprise as a loud fiery noise fills their ears. 

They both tense and clutch tighter to each other, ready to go into battle at the sound of the explosion. But then they see the elaborate show of fireworks that was firing off of a cruise ship that was leaving the harbor and headed into the open sea. 

Rey chuckles. “Fuck, that scared me,” she said, slumping back against the bench.

“Me too,” he chuckles, realizing that whatever moment they may have been about to share had passed and wasn’t coming back as dozens of people gather nearby to watch the fireworks display.

Ben decides at that moment that he absolutely loathes fireworks.

* * *

Rey hugs him again when they’re back at the hotel and saying goodnight.

“Thank you for everything, Ben. I’m sorry for being so stubborn,” she apologizes, now realizing all his odd behavior from earlier for what it was. 

“It’s okay, I’m used to it,” he jokes. “But seriously, I’m glad. I’ve been nervous about it and I’m just glad you’re happy.”

“I am...thank you.”

He nods as they pull away but she can swear he looks at her lips again.

She could have sworn he was going to kiss her on that bench but they were interrupted so now she’ll never know. But it’s all Rey thinks about as she lies down for bed. Her fingers trace gently over the new bracelet on her wrist.

She’s never taking it off. She’s already decided. 

No one had ever gotten her anything like this and she loved it so much.

But it wasn’t just the bracelet. It was the whole evening. The cake, the bench, the candles, the song, his little spurts of self-doubt as he tried to articulate each of these things that he had thought out so sincerely for her. For her birthday. Something he knew she's always wanted.

He was so thoughtful and caring and Rey’s eyes filled to the brim with tears because it’s all so clear. She can’t believe she had any doubts of it before. She loves him, so completely. She loves him because he went so far out of his way to make her feel cared for. Not just today but every day.

She loves Ben Solo, and it really shouldn’t have taken her this long to decipher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> da bracelet  
>   
> I know it's different from the daisy bracelet that was actually in John Wick but I like this one better.
> 
> This probably doesn't feel like a John Wick AU because every chapter seems way too soft but my advice would be to savor that because these are the cliché but fluffy and necessary content to make it all work. It probably seems really stupid this chapter because they basically went on a date and ate cake but I don't know what to tell you besides I just needed to see it. 
> 
> And apparently, after writing a few other bigger fics, I'm realizing that I take a really long time to get a small amount of information across but I just really like showing you all the little moments.
> 
> So, overall, thanks for being patient. I know this is kind of in a weird place but it's all going to string together...or at least I'm hoping it does, lol.


	11. Falcon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in a nutshell...
> 
> Probably you: hoe, don’t do it  
> Me: *does it*  
> Probably you: omg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, from now on, all of the present-day chapters will be taking place in the same time frame. That doesn't make sense but basically, this chapter picks up after Ben, Rey, and Mae leave the art gallery and chapter 13 will pick up where this one leaves off.
> 
> umm...yeah. Good luck.

Rey drove back since Ben drove all the way up earlier that morning. 

Mae was really chatty on the way back home from the gallery, a good sign that she enjoyed herself on the field trip.

Ben kept turning himself around from the passenger seat when he would answer Mae. When they were in the car, she heard them better when they were facing her. 

“So you had a good time, Maeby?” Ben asks her.

“Uh-huh,” she smiles, looking through the little booklet of pictures from the gallery. “I liked the colors. The purple looks like Rufus,” she says, pointing to a spot in the painting and then to her stuffed dog in the seat next to her.

“It does, yeah,” Ben agrees with her. 

“I liked Poe,” she tells them next in her little voice. “He was nice.”

“Yeah, he is. He was always a little goofy,” Ben chuckles and they share a glance, thinking back to older days.

“He was a bodyguard too?” Mae asks.

Rey swallows, looking out at the road before her husband clears his throat, trying to answer. 

“Yeah…” Ben answers. “He was.”

Poe never worked for the First Order. In business terms, Poe was more... _freelance._

Ben told her that he and Poe had been nothing more than acquaintances for years as they didn’t exactly work together but they would run into each other on occasion. But obviously, that changed rather quickly.

They really hadn’t spent all too much time with Poe now that Rey thinks about it but she trusts him and Finn. They helped her and Ben when it mattered and that’s what made them friends. 

Still, it always felt odd saying these things to the kids. She doesn’t like to feel like she’s lying to them about the past but in a way, she understands Ben’s fears. One day, inevitably, they would find out and the truth may change how their children think of them. They might even be angry. But Rey doesn’t think it would stop them from loving her and Ben as he feared. 

But Rey didn’t like to think about that. 

So, Ben tells Mae that Poe was a bodyguard too and she takes it in stride, unaware of how it affects her parents.

“What are we having for dinner?” Mae asks next and Rey smiles. She could be so quiet elsewhere but with them, she could go through plenty of topics. Rey knows with time, Mae will get more comfortable and be more comfortable talking with people and making more friends. Theo was the same way and now he had a really sweet group of friends. They all fantasized about starting a band but they were better at coming up with names and acting out concerts than actually practicing. Theo was very focused on his own but once he started talking about something he was really enthusiastic about, well, he could go on forever.

It was really quite endearing. 

“We’re eating with Jyn and Cassian tonight. Cassian is making his world-famous chilaquiles that you like.”

“Are Theo and Lydia done with school now?” Mae asks.

“Yeah, Jyn picked them up and took Theo to his drum lesson. But she texted me and said they’re all back at their house so we’ll see them there,” Rey tells her.

“I wonder how Lydia did on her math test. She studied so hard for it,” Ben says, looking at his phone, maybe waiting to see if Lydia texted him. Rey can tell Ben is worried about her for the reason he mentioned this morning even after she told him not to read too much into it.

If Rey is being honest, she wonders if Lydia hearing them wasn’t so outlandish of a theory but she didn’t tell Ben that. Just contemplating some thoughts ate him alive and she didn’t want him to worry about that right now. 

Because just like Lydia could overwork herself with school stuff, Ben was the same with his fearful thoughts.

“I’m sure it went fine,” Rey tells him. “Lydia seems to ace every test.”

Ben chuckles. “True.”

“However, I know Theo has been having a hard time with those fractions. Maybe we can get Lydia to help him out. I’m horrible at math,” Rey shakes her head. There wasn’t a very intensive mathematics department in Dathomir. If she’s being honest she knows the basics but that’s it.

“I thought I was good at it but I was trying to help him with them the other night and I was hopeless,” Ben laughs.

They spend the next few miles whining about how hard math was and Mae tries to show off how good she is at the math she knows which is pretty adorable so she and Ben go along with it.

“Can you do...two plus three?” Ben asks her.

Mae is quiet for a long time and Rey looks back to see a look of deep concentration on her face.

“Do you want a hint?” Rey asks her.

“Yes! Hint. Hint.”

“Two plus three is equal to how old you are.”

“Five!” Mae cheers.

Ben shakes his head at Rey but he’s still smiling. “That’s cheating. She knows that too well.”

“Alright, fine, give her another one?” Rey says, looking down at the fuel gauge to see they were nearly empty. They were fairly close to being home now but Rey would prefer to top off now so she moves to get off the highway.

She pulls into a gas station they’ve been to before. They really weren’t too far from the house so they were familiar enough with the area. A day in the city made Rey remember why she likes the calmness of their daily lives. It was quieter here. Chandrila. And there was a lot of green which Rey always favored. 

She gets out to pump the gas but Ben steps out too. “I have to stretch my legs. Do you want anything?” he says nodding to the mini-mart. 

“No, I’m–”

“Daddy, wait. I wanna go in,” Mae suddenly announces, hopping out of the back seat with Rufus under her arm.

“Alright, but don’t get anything that will spoil dinner,” she says, mostly to her husband because he can be a real pushover when it comes to buying sweets. 

“I know, I know,” Ben says, grabbing Mae’s hand and heading inside. 

Rey leans against the car, watching the meter and just getting some fresh air after being cooped up in the car for a while. Well, as fresh as the air could get at a gas station. But still, it was nice.

Her phone chirps then and she looks down, half expecting another text from Lando but she realizes it’s an email from Mae’s history teacher, Mrs. Hawthorne.

Rey opens it, smiling through the first few lines as the teacher explains what a pleasure Lydia is in class and how involved she is. 

But then it shifts as Mrs. Hawthorne says that Lydia had approached her earlier that day with the odd request of asking for an alternative assignment for the family history project that was assigned over a week ago now.

Rey hadn’t heard anything about a family project from Lydia. And she always talked about school and what was going on in her classes. But there was no mention of this.

Then the email explains further that when Mrs. Hawthorne questioned Lydia why she preferred an alternative assignment, Lydia answered saying that she didn’t know much of her family’s history but the little she does know has a great impact on her parents and she wasn’t comfortable asking them about it.

Rey’s heart sinks.

She hated to think there was anything that Lydia would think isn’t safe to talk about with them but clearly, there was. 

Ben’s suspicions from earlier seem much more realistic now. Perhaps she had heard them talking and she heard enough to connect the dots and realize just how painful of a topic it can be...so she went to her teacher and asked for a different assignment. 

Rey looks down to finish the email.

_I gave her the option of doing a report on another historical topic of her choosing but I wanted to reach out to you and share this because I’m sure you would want to know._

_Best,_

_Amelia Hawthorne_

Rey doesn’t know what to think. She skims it over one more time, trying to figure out why Lydia would go to her teacher and share this before coming to them. But if this was about family history then–

_“Gotta get that money, Get money. Gotta get that money, Get money. Get that money, motherfucker.”_

Rey’s thoughts are interrupted by the deafening bass that’s exuding from a car that was pulling up to the pump across from her. Rey puts her phone back in her pocket. She would have to show Ben and they could decide what to do from there. She already knows what this is going to do to him.

Maybe it isn’t such a mystery why Lydia didn’t come to them, especially if she heard them that night. If she saw them crying.

But for now, she can barely think because the dumbasses next to her are so goddamn loud. 

Finally, they turn the car off and the music stops. Rey notices three men get out. One of them is smoking which is (in Rey’s mom brain) the dumbest thing one could do at a gas station. 

But then she hears them speak.

And they’re speaking Russian. 

“Ya chertovski golodayu,” the redhead says to the man headed inside. “Prinesi mne chto-nibud.”

“Snachala ya dolzhen pomocit’sya.”

Typical, Rey thinks. They’re whining and talking about piss. She didn’t care how long she’s gone without speaking it, Russian is drilled into her. Thankfully, their conversation dies down as they split up and Rey just wants to finish up and leave. She cranes her neck, trying to look inside and see if Ben and Mae were finishing up, but then suddenly, one of the men is standing on the concrete barrier in the middle, eyeing their car.

“Hey,” he says, taking another puff of his cigarette. “Nice ride.”

Rey gives a smile and nods but that's it. She wasn’t in the mood for conversation.

"Classic Falcon. Corelian detailing," he says with a nod of approval. “She a seventy-eight?” the redhead asks next, moving to look at the Falcon more from the front.

“Seventy-seven,” Rey answers as the nozzle clicks and she returns it back to the pump and grabbing her receipt. 

"Beautiful car."

"Thanks,” Rey says, not looking at him. But her eyes trail up as she hears fingers tapping on the hood of their car.

“How much?” the man asks and this time, Rey gets a proper look at him. 

He looked so familiar. It was strange. She couldn’t have known him from their First Order days, he looked too young. But Rey feels as if she’s seen him before.

It’s only after Rey looks away that she realizes he asked her a question but she’s been too annoyed about the fact he’s so close. “I’m sorry?” she asks, looking back to the mini-mart, wondering what was taking Ben so long. 

“How much for the car?” the young man says, this time a little more tensely. 

Rey scoffs. The Falcon was one of the last remaining things that Ben had of his father’s and it was important to them as a family. They drove it everywhere. Even then, as if she would be interested in an offer from some asshole at the gas station. 

“She’s not for sale,” Rey says as a final answer. That should be all he needs to hear to step away. 

And for a moment he does, and Rey just moves back for the driver’s side door, moving to sit, but then he appears, hunched over in the passenger window. “This car is old muscle, hardly the right vehicle for a…” his eyes drift to the back, looking at Mae’s booster seat, “a family woman such as yourself. Besides, I’d be willing to pay handsomely.”

_This condescending, pretentious prick…_

“I think I can handle myself,” Rey tells him tensely, her eyes burning as she hopes the glare is enough for him to step back. 

But he stays put, with a smug grin on his face as he slowly pulls his hands away from the car. “U vsego yest’ tsena, suka.”

Rey grits her teeth, freezing to just glare at him. _This fucking–_

And before she could reign herself in, she responds. 

“Ne eta suka.”

The man’s eyes go wide and he staggers back a bit. “What the fu–” but then one of his buddies grabs him.

“Apologies, madam,” the other man says in a thick accent. “You have nice day,” he tells her with a bullshit grin.

And the two of them step away back to the car they arrived in and Rey just glares at them until they stop looking at her.

* * *

Ben is crouched down to Mae’s height as they investigate the various chips and crackers on display and what qualifies as an acceptable snack so close to dinner time. 

But then he heard the door ring open again as someone else steps in and asks for a pack of cigarettes, a box of condoms, and the bathroom key in a thick Russian accent. Ben rolled his eyes as the man excuses himself back outside to use the restroom. 

Ben tried to focus his attention on Mae who couldn’t choose with all the options in front of her. But then he can faintly hear Rey’s voice outside and he springs up to look out the window. He can’t see much with all the posters on the glass and all the aisles in the way but he can make out his wife’s face through it all...and she looks pissed. 

“Why don’t we get the pretzels, Mae? We always like those,” he says as calmly as he can, watching cautiously from the window. 

“Kay,” she says casually, grabbing the bag and moving back over to the counter so they can pay but he practically throws cash at the man behind the register and picks Mae up as he quickly makes his way back outside. But by then, the commotion seems to have died down and Ben isn’t quite sure what happened but it doesn’t stop him from eyeing the other car that had pulled in. Likely belonging to the man who had gotten the key to the bathroom. 

He opens the back door for Mae before moving back to his own seat and quickly addressing his wife.

“What happened?”

She shakes her head. “Some ass-sss-suming,” Rey catches herself, realizing Mae could hear them, “young man wanted to chat,” she says nodding to the other car.

“What did he want?” Ben asks, his fingers already curling into fists, looking to the car across from them. 

Rey gives a sigh, finally looking to him and her expression changes a bit. “Nothing. Just a couple of girl scouts. I told him we didn’t want any trouble,” Rey teases with a smirk as she turns the ignition. 

Mae giggled. “They’re girl scouts?” she asks, crinkling the plastic of the pretzel bag. 

“I think they just lost their uniforms. They’ll figure it out,” Rey jokes before quickly changing the topics. “What did you find for us, Mae?” Rey asks, glancing to the back with a smile. Something was wrong though. Ben could tell. She seemed upset. 

“Pretzels!” she cheers, still crinkling the bag until she tries to pass it back to Ben. A request for him to open it. He does but the look on his wife’s face worries him as she looks out on the road. He and Mae were only gone for a few minutes but something has changed. 

He waits until Mae is busy talking to Rufus about pretzels in the back seat before he leans closer. 

“Rey?”

“I’m fine. Really, it wasn’t even them.”

“Then what happened?”

She gives another sigh. “I got an email from Mrs. Hawthorne.”

That was one of Lydia’s teachers, Ben recognizes. “And?”

“It’s on my phone,” she tells him, nodding to the cupholder between them. She was asking him to read it which means she didn’t want to talk about it in front of Mae. He unlocks the device and tries to remember where she kept her emails but figures it out soon enough as he sees the message she mentioned. 

And he deflates in his seat as he realizes why Rey seemed to have changed. Not in anger but...sadness. At least that’s how the email made him feel. 

Because apparently, Lydia was assigned a family history project but she’s requested to do something else as she claims she isn’t comfortable discussing such matters with her parents.

But in an instant, Rey’s hand moves to his leg. “Please don’t think what I know you’re thinking.”

_But he is._

“We can talk to her and work it out,” Rey tells him softly. 

Ben gulps but prefers to listen to her. He reaches for her hand, squeezing lightly. He felt afraid suddenly. Terrified that Lydia not only heard him crying that night but now it may lead to revealing more of his past that he knows Lydia would probably be frightened of. He hates the thought of his children being afraid of him. 

But Rey holds his hand as she drives them back and somehow he knows that with Rey, they will figure out a way to deal with it. They always did. Together. 

So he lets himself take a breath. Because she was right. They could work it out.

Still, Rey seemed angry about something. Probably because of those guys at the gas station. But he could ask her about it later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go folks  
>   
> 
> 
> Russian in this chapter brought to you by Google Translate so it's probably wrong. It sounds different than the Russian from the scene but I'm not going to freak out about it.


	12. Rome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> flashback babes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rome, bitches  
> 
> 
> lol...ummm, just keep this in your brain...for science  
> 
> 
> Possible warning, there are some smexy times in this chapter but I left the rating at M for now because I've read some crazy stuff on this site and I don't think this story is the kind of 'explicit' stuff people are looking for and I honestly tried to keep it pretty tame. But if you think this needs an E lemme know, I'll fix.
> 
> That being said, I kinda HATE this chapter but we need it sooooo...thanks for coming. YEET!

They’re in Rome. 

Rey has never been to Rome but it’s a beautiful city and she’s loved everything they’ve seen so far. Even if it’s only in passing for the sake of their own discretion and safety. 

And yet, something feels off. _With Ben._

Her head still spins just thinking about that night in Stanley Park. She still couldn’t believe all the trouble he went to just to give her a nice birthday.

She looks down at her wrist, her fingers tracing past the chain of the bracelet he had given her. She loves it so much. It’s beautiful but it means so much because it came from him.

But things have changed since that night. At first, Rey thought it was just her. It was because she finally realized her true feelings for him and that made her a little nervous. 

But Ben was definitely acting stranger than usual. Which admittedly might have been her fault.

After she kissed him on the cheek, she saw the look in his eyes, and she felt the same pull that seemed to be tugging at him. She was so sure if it hadn’t been for those fireworks he really would have kissed her. 

And that was equal parts amazing and terrifying. It was all she wanted, Rey thinks, but it also might make things complicated. More so than them just being friends. But he was so thoughtful and gentle and unlike anyone she’s ever met. It felt right to be with him and to want to be with him in that way.

He's been quieter these past several days. He seems to always have that look on his face that she knows means he’s been thinking too much. 

She’s alone in their hotel room at the moment. It was past ten by now but they decided to go out tonight to search for their target as they believed he would be frequenting notable nightspots in the city.

Ben had gone down to the bar so she could get dressed and ready because there was only one bathroom for them to share. She noticed him blush about that as soon as they came in but the concierge mentioned that the hotel was packed this week and the rooms with double amenities were full up. Neither of them claimed to mind but she knows Ben is thinking the same thing as she is. 

There’s only one bed and they’ll have to face that problem when it comes. But neither of them has said anything about it yet.

Right now Rey was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at the two outfits she had hanging in the closet. It would be practical to wear one of her usual suits. But she finds herself gravitating towards the velvet dress Jari’kyn had tailored for her. She hasn’t worn it yet. At first, she was too shy to even consider it, but now...Rey really wants to wear it and it has very little to do with her job, even if she keeps telling herself in a way it was practical because technically they were going to nightclubs where everyone would be dressing like this. It seemed ideal to wear what everyone else would probably be wearing...even if it left limited places to hide weapons but she’d be with Ben and he had pockets. 

That shouldn't be a justification to wear the dress but it feels like it is. 

So, with her mind made up, she decides to reach for the dress before she could talk herself out of it. 

* * *

They were staying at Rex’s Continental in Rome. Another establishment of which Ben has frequented many times. Rome was a tightly packed city and Rex’s hotel was really no exception as, admittedly, it was a little small. Ben didn’t even fit in the elevator. Rex has been claiming he’s going to do some serious reconstruction for years but construction made a place vulnerable which is bad considering this is where a lot of people in their field came for protection

Rome was more than a little crowded right now. Rome in the late spring got a lot of attention. Both in tourism and assassinations. So he and Rey were sharing a room. Which of course they’ve done before but this room didn’t exactly have separate facilities so he told her he would wait downstairs while she got ready.

They were going on the hunt this evening. Toro Calican, a man around his age that was about three years too late on his debts that were only getting higher and showed no signs of paying off. He’s been trying to integrate into one of the bigger companies to get contracts of his own but he was sloppy and unreliable and there was no way anyone was signing him on anytime soon. Not with his international debts and reputable clumsiness.

They knew he would be going to various nightclubs. Something Ben was not looking forward to. He hated nightclubs. And just nightlife in general. 

So he was just taking a moment to clear his head.

Because of the Contintental’s convenient accommodations, again, it was only too possible to run into a familiar face. Luckily this time it wasn’t Hux though. Because Poe Dameron comes to stand next to him at the bar, ordering a drink.

“Hey, Ren,” the man says.

“Dameron,” Ben nods, taking a sip from his drink.

“Are they out of bourbon?” Poe asks, looking to the sparkling water he was drinking.

“I’m working tonight,” Ben shrugs as an answer. 

Rey hasn’t been drinking since she learned the truth about her parents. And if Ben is being honest, he hasn’t either. But it sounded plausible enough to give the other excuse to Poe.

Dameron nods. “So, the word is you and this new partner of yours are doing some serious damage. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I could believe it because you’re the lone wolf guy,” the man chuckles.

Ben tries not to roll his eyes. 

“But I guess that’s life with Snoke, huh? One day you're on your own and the next, everything is changed.”

Poe didn’t work for Snoke. He was technically an independent even though Ben is more than aware that most of his jobs come through the _Guild_ itself. It's the main organization that announces the contracts. 

“Yeah, well, actually I’ve found that a partnership is more effective anyway.”

Poe looks to him then, still with a smirk on his face. “Interesting. Never would have taken you for the type to team up.”

Ben really didn’t want a repeat of his conversation with Hux in Spain so he quickly wants to find a way out of it. But conversation isn't his strong point.

“I hear she’s from Dathomir,” Poe says almost sadly which surprises Ben. Ben only nods, knowing that was unfortunately common knowledge by now. “Sounds rough...but I also hear she’s pretty badass. Or at least I heard she took out a target with a garden hose and the door of a refrigerator.”

Ben smiles. He remembers that job. That was in the earlier days...but he also realizes that technically all of his memories of her have been the early days. They haven’t been working together that long but in a way, it’s like he’s known her for a lifetime.

“Yeah, she’s innovative. Fast. Smart. She’s incredible. Best I’ve ever seen.”

Poe’s smirk gets even wider then. “You like her?”

Ben practically slams his drink back on the counter. “Can I just speak about her without everyone asking that?”

“Woah, sorry, big guy. I wasn’t trying to pry. You just seem different. Like you’re a little happier or something and I just figured she might have had something to do with it.”

Ben takes a long sigh. “Have you ever had a partner?”

Poe shugs. “Some. I’ve worked with crews before too. If they don’t work it makes everything harder.”

“And if they do?”

Poe chuckles. “I’m not sure I can speak from experience on that one. A good partnership is rare. That’s why I was curious about yours. I figured if you work well together, even someone as prickly as you might come to admire them.”

Ben chews his lip for a moment. He’s way beyond the point of admiration by now but Poe isn’t wrong. 

His face must betray something because Poe pats him on the back. Ben doesn’t like the contact and tenses a bit but Poe doesn’t seem to be playing a game. As if this all really is just friendly conversation. “Don’t worry, Ren. I won’t tell anyone,” he smirks.

Ben is ready to clarify that he had no idea what Poe was referring to when another set of footsteps approaches. He already knows it’s Rey. 

“Hey,” she says and Ben turns to look at her, but freezes once he sees what she’s wearing. 

She wasn’t wearing one of her black suits like she usually does for jobs. He was just starting to get used to those. She looked so striking in them and it could be distracting.

But this was even beyond that.

She had on a very short and fairly tight black dress. Her hair was down and straight. She had on some necklaces but he noticed the bracelet he had given her on her wrist first. She hasn’t taken it off since he gave it to her. 

Her eyes were dark, her lips were red, and she just looked...deadly. 

He can’t even fucking breathe. Suddenly he’s glad he already finished his drink because he definitely would have choked on it. 

“Hey...hi,” he says lamely.

Poe clears his throat then and Ben glances over to him. “Uh, Kira this is Poe Dameron. He’s an... _independent contractor,”_ he explains, knowing she’ll take his meaning. “Poe, this is Kira Niima,” he shares, her fake name sounding odd but it’s what is safest. “My partner.”

Rey nods, acknowledging Poe and accepting his outstretched hand. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Dameron.”

“Pleasure,” Poe says with a smile. “And please, call me Poe.”

“Poe,” she repeats with a smile. 

“Can we get you anything?” Poe asks, gesturing to the bar behind them. Ben might have been annoyed by Poe’s flirtatious grins but Ben’s still reeling far too much to focus on all of that. 

But Rey turns Poe down. “Actually, I think we better be going. I’ve already taken too long,” she says. “But thank you. Maybe another time.”

“Of course,” Poe nods, holding up his glass to her. “Have a nice evening, Kira.”

“Thanks. You too.”

And then Poe nudges him a little, pushing him closer to Rey. “And you too, Ren. Try to live a little. You look like you need some air,” he tells him with a smirk. “Kira, I trust you’ll keep an eye on him?”

“Always,” she beams, threading her hand to rest on the crook of Ben’s elbow and pulling him along. Ben doesn't miss the shit-eating grin on Poe’s face as they leave though. He ignores it for now though as he crosses the room with her, noticing how she catches attention from the other people in the bar. So he tries to quicken his pace until they are back in the lobby. 

His mouth hangs open as he looks at her, trying to find the words to say to her. To tell her how beautiful and just how breathtaking she looks but nothing comes and she doesn’t seem to notice. 

“Sorry it took so long.”

“N–No, it’s fine,” he tells her, trying to keep up as they made their way outside. “You look...You look really nice,” he manages, his face heating up. 

She turns to him with a smile. “Yeah?”

“Yeah... _beautiful,_ actually,” he corrects himself, looking to his feet and feeling like a fool with his hands in his pockets. “Really.”

Ever since her birthday, their conversations seem to have more silences in between. Something seems to have changed and Ben thinks maybe he went too far that night in Stanley Park. 

He almost kissed her. He would have if it hadn’t been for the fucking fireworks but he was constantly unsure if it was all for the best. Once he kisses her it’ll all go downhill and then he’s really doomed. 

But damn, he really wants to.

He’s kissed two other people before. Both within a few minutes of each other as he was forced to play that dumb bottle game at Luke’s Academy. One was a girl that immediately scrunched her face in revulsion and the other had been some sort of cosmic joke because it landed on his friend Tai. And although they were willing to overlook the rules of the game, peer pressure prevailed and they had to do it, making them the eternal joke of the boys’ locker room.

That had been proof enough that Ben didn’t want to kiss anybody else. But that was fourteen years ago. Both of those instances had seemed all the evidence Ben needed to think that he wasn’t interested in boys _or_ girls. He just preferred his own company and that’s always been true. That’s what was easiest.

But Rey’s company wasn’t like anyone else's. She had awakened something in him he hadn't felt before. 

And the dress definitely wasn’t helping.

“So that was Poe then?” she asks him suddenly, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah,” Ben huffs, annoyed at the mention of the man’s name. 

She smiles, “He seems nice. Are you two friends?”

“Uh, not exactly. We just run into each other at places like this. He travels for jobs too so I’ve seen him a lot over the years. And yeah, he can be nice but he can be a real pain in the ass sometimes too,” Ben says, annoyed that he couldn’t really contain his own shock back there and Poe took no small pleasure in teasing him about it.

She laughs then and Ben feels like he can breathe a little easier. No matter how much she got dressed up she was always Rey underneath it all. His Rey. 

He shakes his head at himself. He shouldn’t be thinking like that. She wasn’t his. He was no good for her. 

But still, it doesn’t change the way he feels about her. He loves her so much. He’s been certain of it more than he’s ever been certain of anything. 

Isn’t being loved what she deserves? Couldn't he be that for her if he had the chance?

And even then, he notices the way she looks at him now, ever since her birthday...there’s something different to it. Like she’s thinking or she’s going to say something but then she doesn’t.

He should know, he practically invented that look. 

She’s doing it again as they head towards their destination. So much so he wants to ask her but he can’t. Because he is guilty of the same thing. 

* * *

They hear the music long before they arrive at Le Castle Vania, Rome’s most eccentric nightclub. It was built among the ruins of an ancient building on top of a hill which meant anyone within half a mile away probably had to wear earplugs to bed if they wanted to sleep. 

Needless to say, Rey thought it was more than a little over the top but it was the typical kind of evening that their target Calican would be seeking. 

However, staying focused on their task was another thing entirely. Which to say, she couldn’t. Ben seemed to be behaving so strangely. She thinks it might be an overwhelming and lively crowd. He was scanning through them like a shark. For such an experienced hitman, he didn’t look very subtle. Luckily, not many people seemed to pay him any attention

There were no limits to maximum occupants because it was absolutely flooded with people. Which made finding their target a little difficult. 

“Maybe we should split up,” she suggests, trying to be heard over the music. Instantly, she feels his hand grip hers. He doesn’t even bother to reply over the loud music but she understands anyway. “Well, we can’t go on like this. It’ll take ages.”

She’s not even sure he can hear her, or if he’s even trying. He’s just glaring at everyone. 

Rolling her eyes, wondering what the hell has gotten into him, she drags him along. They’ve hardly made their first pass through and already he’s checked out, preoccupied, and totally unfocused.

He’s never like this on a job. But usually, they weren’t so exposed out in the open. Or surrounded by literally hundreds of people.

She pulls him to the side at one point, just so she could stand against one of the railings and attempt to get a better view. She only knows what Calican looks like from his picture and her eyes are fighting against the darkness and the dramatic strobe lighting. She looks to Ben, thinking he would have a better view with his height but he’s just standing there, glaring at people that were walking right past them. 

She tries to get his attention. “Do you see him?” she asks as quietly as she can over the music. 

He doesn’t answer but she knows he’s heard her, or at least acknowledged that she’s said something but he’s busy doing his annoying stare down thing. Rey rolls her eyes, another thing he doesn't notice. 

She needed to get him in order before they proceed.

* * *

Rey tugs him up some stairs and further down a corridor until they are on a balcony that overlooks the city and the music was softened slightly where they didn’t need to shout at each other to be heard. 

He hates it here. It seemed like every other person they walked past was ogling Rey like a bunch of wild animals and it made him fucking furious. Which is probably why he refused to split up. 

Rey could handle herself, always. There was no reason why he needed to literally stay and hold her hand the whole time. But he couldn’t let go.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asks him, leaning against the balcony. She sounds annoyed. 

“Nothing,” he tells her, clearing his throat and trying not to think how fucking ethereal she looks with the Roman cityscape behind her. 

“Ben, obviously something is bothering you and as drunk as these people may be, you might need to lessen your scowl slightly or word might get to Calican that we’re here for him.”

Ben sighs. She’s right. He wasn’t being professional. Being unprofessional puts them in danger more than anything else. “I know. I’m sorry,” he tells her.

“Is it the crowd?”

He sighs, unsure of how to answer. “Sort of...yes. But mostly–” he looks at her closer then and his words cut off.

He feels it again. That pull that draws him to her and makes him feel like his stomach is fluttering. Why did he feel so nervous?

Her annoyance blooms into concern as she takes a step closer to him. Her voice is softer the next time she speaks. “What? Mostly what?”

“It’s stupid,” he shakes his head, hoping that saying so would make him believe it. 

Then he feels her hand on his arm. “If it’s upsetting you, then it’s not stupid,” she tells him gently.

“It isn’t _upsetting_ me. I’ve just never felt like this,” he admits to her.

“Like what?” she breathes out.

“Like…” he starts but he can’t even finish the thought as he looks at her. One of his hands settles at her waist, feeling the soft fabric of the velvet. She doesn’t pull away or look upset. In fact, she looks like she had been waiting for it. So, slowly, his other hand rises to rest beneath her chin. 

It’s like everything else fades away. It’s just them. It seems so simple. It reminds him of that time they were in Spain and he could pretend for a moment that they were just regular people on vacation, having a nice dinner and no one had any reason to think otherwise. And now could be different too. If he wanted, maybe it could be that easy.

“Rey...I–”

She leans into his touch which distracts him slightly but he tries to keep his composure and recall the words. “Rey, there’s something...I don’t even know how–”

Rey’s grip on him changes as she turns them closer to the balcony and he realizes she’s seen something. “Toro is walking down the hallway. He’s coming this way,” she says under her breath. 

_Fucking typical._ Of course the fucker shows up now. But Ben plays along, trying to look behind them where Calican is strutting down the corridor with a woman on either side of him. 

“We should go dancing. Would you two ladies like to dance?” he asks them in a cheesy voice.

“Yes, Toro,” the women say at the same time with thick accents. 

Rey waits until they head downstairs to look at him again. “Dancing,” she says.

Ben nods. “I heard.”

“Well, maybe we should... _join them._ It’s so crowded. It’s best not to lose him,” she says with a shrug.

Ben sighs. “I don’t dance, Rey.”

“As if anyone will notice what you’re doing. We just need to blend in.”

He sighs, annoyed. She notices, squeezing his hand a little. “I’m sorry. What were you trying to tell me?”

_I was going to say I love you._

_I was going to say that you mean more to me than anything._

_That I need you and you’re all I think about._

_That if I had another chance to kiss you I would take it._

But he just shakes his head. “Nothing.”

His answer must not be what she wanted either because her eyes fall. She knows he’s not telling the truth. “Fine. We can talk about it later then.”

He just nods, his eyes looking out at the city instead of trailing after the man they were here for. Luckily Rey seemed to be paying more attention. But then she pulls him back towards the stairs and he starts to realize where they are headed. He tries to reign her in but damn, she's strong so he has to voice his question as they're walking. “Wait, we’re not actually dancing, right? You were joking about that.”

“Ben, there’s hundreds of people dancing. We’ll lose sight of him. We need to stay close,” she says, starting to shout again as they get closer to the club’s epicenter and the music drowns them out again. Instantly, his palms feel sweaty and he stops where he is, halfway on the staircase. 

“Rey, I can’t!” he shouts over the music.

"It's just dancing. Besides, look at all the shitty dancing there is," she gestures out to the sea of people. Ben isn't sure he can tell the difference between the good and the bad. It's not like this is ballet. This is club dancing and he thought all of it looked shitty. But Rey thinks it's making her point. "It's not like it matters."

"I can't do it!"

She stops ahead of him, looking confused. She chews on her lip for a moment before looking out to the sea of people where Calican was disappearing quickly.

Rey gives a slight shake of her head before sighing. “Then I’ll do it myself.”

She lets go of his hand and makes her way down the stairs.

 _Fuck fuck fuck._ That’s not what he wanted. 

Why can’t he just function like a normal fucking person around her? Why can’t he just do what he needs to and get this over with?

He watches in slow motion as she saunters for the dance floor. The way she walks was enough to drive him crazy. Was he really going to let her do this herself just because he’s too fucking hopeless to try to dance with her? The girl he’s madly in love with. Was he seriously turning her down just so he didn’t look like an idiot? He _was_ an idiot! And Rey already knew that! 

He just had to dive in and take whatever comes with it. 

Forging past his own insecurities he chases after Rey, shoving past a guy he already knew was headed for her. The guy glares at him but Ben ignores it. He snags Rey’s wrist and she spins back to pull away but then she realizes it’s him. The corners of her mouth twitch so slightly that if he wasn’t as familiar with her face as he was he wouldn’t have noticed. 

Ben ducks down, headed for her ear but he sees how her eyes are on his mouth. But he’ll have to file that away for later. Still, it somehow makes him bold enough to brush his lips against the shell of her ear. “Show me.”

She just nods, taking his hands and placing them back on her waist. She turns slightly so that together they are threading through the crowd, making their way after Calican and his escorts. 

Ben’s heart is beating out of his chest and it seems to match up with the deafening bass that seems to be shaking the fucking Earth itself. 

Rey only turns to him once Calican is roughly ten feet away and both of them have a good visual on him. They are in the center of the dance floor. Ben thinks finding him from outside the crowd would have been impossible. 

But now was the time to blend in, he realizes, as Rey brings herself against him. His hands tighten on her waist as she does, urging him to sway with her. He looks around to some of the other dancers and couples. Most were just grinding on each other and doing all kinds of moves that Ben has never witnessed and not sure he wanted to. But there are some that seem to be just keeping it simple and he tries to replicate it. He always did better after some form of observation. 

His hands trail a little lower, to Rey’s hips but his eyes meet hers, trying to ask what his voice can’t, mostly because of the music. 

She just nods as one of her arms hooks over his shoulder, and the other moves to his side, in his jacket and trailing closer towards his back where she knows he kept his gun. 

He only nods. It was odd. There were times where he had so many words he was trying to tell her and other times where words weren’t needed at all. She keeps it simple, for him he supposes. She helps him move with her and it’s not as awkward as he thought it would be. He wonders why he even fought it so bad when it affords him the chance to move so closely to her and it's...kind of addictive, actually. He’s only seen her dance briefly before she left Dathomir. And that was worlds away from the kind of dancing they were doing now. But he knows she likes dancing. She’s told him well enough and just the way she moves, she’s light on her feet and graceful...even when she’s killing people. 

She looked amazing. She felt amazing. He is way too happy he chased after her. It felt electric and charged and he’s trying to think if this is the closest they’ve ever been. They have hugged on occasion. But that felt different. Those were meant to be comforting but this felt...unlike anything they’ve shared yet. And he just tries to ignore the fact that the only reason they are doing it is to get closer to the dumbass they were contracted to take out. 

But Toro Calican is far from his mind. Especially when he pulls her even closer and her eyes are locked with his.

There’s something about the moment that seems to slow everything down. Kind of like up on the balcony where he could believe it was just them in all of Rome. But that seems even more significant now considering they are in the center of a mass of people with music blaring and the night sky above them. 

But Rey has that effect on him. The effect that makes him think he could sustain all the years of loneliness if it meant he could share just one moment with her.

“Rey,” he breathes out, impossible to be heard over everything. She doesn’t even seem to notice as she’s looking over his shoulder to keep an eye on the target that Ben has lost all interest in. 

But then she looks up at him again and in that moment, feeling bold by the cloak of the music, he finds the words he couldn’t say on the balcony flood out of him. 

“I love you.”

Ben couldn’t hear his own voice. He isn’t sure he even spoke it aloud because it’s impossible to be heard unless you’re fucking screaming.

And even then, Rey seems to have understood. 

Her face seems to go pale and her movements gradually cease. Her lips move but he can’t hear her. Still, he thinks it’s something along the lines of “What did you say?”

But by the look on her face, he thinks she already knows. 

Suddenly his thoughts are interrupted as Toro himself shoulders past him, following one of the girls out of the crowd.

_Fuck, right. The target._

Quickly, he pulls Rey along with him through all the people before he loses sight of the man. He can’t believe how fucking sidetracked he’s been. They were on a mission and he was so distracted. Distraction wasn’t new but usually he is able to manage it at least a little better. But tonight has been a rollercoaster and he honestly can’t remember when they got there. It could have been hours ago. Time escaped him as they were dancing and they could have been there much longer than he relaized. 

Ben tries to follow Calican in pursuit, ignoring his own problems for a moment to just remember why the fuck they were here in the first place so he heads for the shadows as Calican makes his way through the corridors.

But then he pulls them closely against a wall where they could stand and watch the silhouetted form of Calican make his way towards the bathrooms with one of the girls. Ben is trying to watch intently but Rey breaks him out of his thoughts.

“Ben,” Rey says, trying to get him to look at her.

He won’t, he decides. He’s not ready. “We can catch him when he comes out of the bathroom, guide him further into the shadows.”

“What did you say?” she asks softly looking up at him.

“We can follow him when he comes back out and–”

“No, before that,” Rey says firmly.

“What do you mean?” He plays dumb. Or maybe he just was plain dumb if he thought he could play it off. 

“On the dance floor. Just then,” she nods behind them from where they just were, closer than they’ve ever been and moving against each other. She's explaining it to him as if he could ever forget. “Tell me what you said.”

Ben shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter,” he tells her, looking anywhere but her, even as she fought her way to be in his line of vision.

When she succeeds, her words terrify him. "I thought I heard you say–"

His words flood out of him before he can give them much thought, cutting her off. “Rey, it was nothing! It’s nothing!”

Rey freezes and Ben can actually see in the odd and minimal lighting how far her face falls. She looks crushed.

And that’s how he knows for certain she heard him out on the dance floor.

 _Nothing,_ he called it. But by the look on her face, he can see she thinks that’s what he’s calling her.

His mind thinks back to that alley they stood in back in New York right after she discovered the truth of her parents. 

_I’m just...I’m a nobody. I’m nothing,_ she had cried.

And he had been the one to tell her how false that was. _Not to me,_ he recalls telling her. But now he’s gone and thrown the words back at her without even realizing it.

He forgets all about Calican as he understands what he’s done. He’s ruined everything.

Her eyes look glassy. “Rey…” Ben reaches to pull her closer but she swats him away. 

“It should matter! It matters to me,” she sniffles.

“Rey, I didn’t–”

“It’s one thing to just say those words and then shrug them off but don’t pretend like they mean nothing.”

Ben feels himself starting to tremble. It was happening so fast, whirling past him. This isn’t how he would have wanted this to go. But like everything else with anyone important in his life, he’s fucked it up.

“No, Rey. I–I just didn’t think you’d hear me.”

“You didn’t _want_ me to hear you then? In case you didn’t mean it?” she snaps at him, tears spilling over. He hasn’t seen her look at him this way since their first week together. Back when he pretended to hate her. Even then, she looks so shattered and he is responsible. 

It breaks his heart to think he’s going backwards with the one person ever that has encouraged him to move forward in life. It’s all slipping away and he hates it because for once he wanted something so bad, even if he knew he didn’t deserve it. 

With little left to lose, he figures he will lay everything on the table and tell her what he hasn’t had the courage to.

“Because I’ve been trying to tell you every day. Because I think you’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met and you deserve to know that I’ve been in love with you for weeks. I love you so fucking much that sometimes it hurts...but I’m such a hopeless piece of shit and I’m not brave enough to tell you unless we’re in the middle of a deafening dancefloor at some dumbass nightclub!” Ben says, still competing with the music and the commotion. 

He’s never felt so vulnerable or scared because now he thinks she’ll just walk away and that’s it. It’s over and he can only blame himself. 

But all those thoughts instantly evaporate when Rey grabs either side of his face and kisses him on the lips.

Ben gasps in surprise and quickly holds her tighter like he’s suddenly afraid he would float away from her. His brain short circuits at the sensation but after the shock bleeds away and he’s capable of actually processing it, he relaxes. He pulls her closer by the waist and kisses her back. That fluttering feeling that has existed in his chest for weeks radiates all through him and he’s never felt so light.

He’s never felt like this. 

She pulls away slightly, just enough where he can see her face clearly but his arms stay firmly around her. He doesn’t think he can let go now. There’s a small smile on her lips as she looks at him. Her hands are still on his face and her touch is so soft. Even softer than the fabric of her dress.

“Ben…” she breathes out softly. He pulls her even closer then to assure he can hear her. He’s never been more grateful for his name until now. He feels too lucky that this name she speaks belongs to him. 

“Ben, I love you too.”

Ben’s mouth hangs open as he hears her words and they wash over him completely. He understands how she heard him before. He understands how it persisted through everything else because now it’s echoing through him and he thinks it could be all he hears for the rest of his days. Their surroundings might as well have melted away because it’s like it’s only them and nothing else.

He can’t help but give a soft chuckle of disbelief. It’s like he’s in a dream but it’s real. She’s here with him and she told him she loved him. 

Rey smiles back at him and she is a beacon of light in the otherwise dark corridor.

So he swoops back down, one of his hands coming up to the back of her neck as he kisses her. She responds instantly. Where the first had been tender and brief, these kisses are hungry and fueled by a passion he’s never experienced. 

Ben understands that the brief kisses from his youth weren’t kisses at all. Those had been an awkward press of lips but nothing more. No connection or spark or feeling poured into them.

But kissing Rey was...transcendent. 

Calican could live another night, Ben decides instantly. He couldn’t possibly be persuaded to pull away from her now. 

* * *

They didn’t close the contract, but Rey couldn’t really be bothered with that bastard at the moment.

Ben opens the door of their hotel room and together they barge in, closing it quickly behind them. The instant it’s shut, Ben reaches for her and she is quick to do the same as she hooked her arms around his neck, like she had done when they were dancing. 

She kisses him again and it’s maddening. 

She’s never kissed anyone. At her age, maybe that’s a little odd but with her upbringing, that isn’t as odd as most things she _has_ done. She’s seen it done in movies and with couples out in public. She’s only understood it in a very general sense and always found it to be such a waste of time to just swap spit with someone.

But then she kissed Ben and now she understands. 

Together they move towards the bed. Rey kicks off her heels but Ben trips over one of them and holds her tighter when he stumbles. They break apart for a moment, chuckling softly. It all seemed so surreal.

The only light was coming from the doors of the balcony where the street lamps from outside but it gave his face a warm glow and when he smiled he looked properly beautiful, she thinks to herself.

She couldn’t really believe this was happening. She had thought that back when they were dancing but this far surpassed even that. She thinks he liked the dancing after all and she knows she loved it. 

She would look up at him to see his eyes focused only on her. Like it was only them and it was one of the most thrilling feelings.

But then he opened his mouth and Rey heard the faint sound of those three words she’s waited all her life to hear. From the man she loved.

It’s so clear. He’s been trying to tell her in all his small little ways just what she means to him. He was so gentle and considerate and loving in everything he did, she just didn’t realize what it was. But she knows now. Just as he does. 

And Rey knows what she wants.

She pushes at the lapels of his jacket, trying to get it past his shoulders. His breath catches then but he assists her and it thuds to the ground. He was so focused he didn’t even drape it over one of the chairs. He’s usually very meticulous about his clothes and impending wrinkles. But not now.

She has to press to her toes to kiss him again but he wraps his arms around her waist, enough that her feet leave the ground and she smiles at the feeling. 

“My life was so different before you…” he tells her softly in between kisses. “It’s like I wasn’t even a real person. Just going through motions.” Rey hums against his lips, her only way of telling him she understands. But his hands trail up to her cheeks. “I think you woke me up.”

Rey nods in understanding. “I know what you mean.”

Before Ben, Rey was stuck in Dathomir, dreaming of the day she could leave and find a family that loved her. But that’s not what happened. But as she looks up at Ben now, feeling truly and completely loved for the first time in her life, she thinks this is the feeling she was always looking for. This is what she always wanted, it just took her a bit longer to realize it. 

“I always wanted a home...all my life I dreamed of one. But I think you’re mine,” she tells him. His hold on her gets tighter. “I love you, Ben,” she tells him. 

He gasps again, like he still can’t believe it and she can’t help but chuckle. 

She takes his momentary disbelief to her advantage, gently pushing him back towards the foot of the bed, urging him to sit down. He looks up at her with wide eyes as she stays standing, her hands steady on his shoulders. His hands move back to her hips and she smiles when she feels his thumbs brush past the fabric. She thinks he likes velvet. 

“I love you,” he tells her again but it's no less exhilarating. Rey's stomach flutters but stays standing. Her heart is beating out of her chest but it doesn’t feel like fear or uncertainty.

In fact, quite the opposite. 

* * *

“Ben,” Rey breathes out. 

He's trying to catch his breath but his body was overwhelmed with desire at the sound of his name. He waits, trying to guess what she might say. But she moves first. 

She covers one of his hands with hers and guides him to the zipper on the side of her dress. She pulls it down to start but waits for him to do the rest. 

Ben can’t help but gasp, realizing what she’s asking him to do. He looks up to her, trying to voice the question on his lips but it won’t come easily. So his hands move instead, pulling the zipper until it gives away enough that she can slip out of it. She pulls it down further to rid herself of the sleeves until the material just all falls to the floor by her feet.

He looks up at her then, struck so powerfully by just the sight of her and his breathing is heavy. She stands before him in her lacy black underwear and Ben thinks he could actually die, right here in this small hotel room. 

His hands seem to respond before his brain does though as he gently brings them to her sides. His fingers brush just barely at the edge of her bra and he’s definitely losing his composure. He’s felt himself getting more and more affected even back at Le Castle Vania but he’s been able to manage it fairly well until now. But now the tightness in his pants is impossible to ignore. 

Luckily, her eyes remain on his face. Her breath catches as his fingers travel further up her body. But before he could get too far, she moves her arms behind her and it takes Ben a second too long to realize what she’s doing before the straps on her shoulders fall and Rey pulls the bra away completely, leaving her chest bare to him. 

He can’t breathe anymore. His brain forgot how. “Rey,” he croaks out. Her eyes look so dark he realizes, glancing up at her face. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he breathes out. But her eyes look down like she doesn’t quite believe him. “You are, Rey,” he assures her. “You’re fucking perfect,” he tells her, his thumbs feeling bold as he brushes them past her skin, beneath the swell of her breasts. Her breath catches but she braces his shoulders to place herself over him, straddling him and revealing instantly the state of himself in case she hadn’t already noticed.

He should probably be embarrassed but the flood of shame never comes as she just braces his face gently and smiles at him before kissing him again. 

These kisses are more breathless that than the others, especially once he feels her fingers fiddling with the knot of his tie. He assists her, pulling away for only a moment to loosen it and yank it over his head before discarding it. The buttons on his shirt are undone in a similar hasty fashion before he rips it off his arms and chucks it to the floor. He feels Rey’s fingers brush softly past his abdomen then and he hisses slightly at the contact as she pulls at the hem of his undershirt. He doesn't realize he wore so many things until now. He holds his arms up as she brings it over his head before tossing it aside and quickly diving back down to kiss him. 

He moaned at the contact as her chest was pressed against his. And then even louder when Rey rolled her hips against his. His pants were still on but the friction was maddening and instantly his hips instinctively thrust against hers.

Her breath hitches and he just watches reverently as she sits above him. He can’t really believe they’re here, like this. It’s more than he ever could have hoped for, so to hope for more seemed almost comical. But she wants more too, so maybe it isn’t so impossible. Still, he feels like he should ask, especially when he feels her hands traveling down again, settling on his belt. 

“Rey?”

“Hmm?” she hums from where she’s pressing kisses against his throat. 

“Are–” he gives a big sigh once his belt is undone, trying to stay calm. “Are you sure?” he barely manages to croak out.

Her hands still from his waist, one of them returning to his face. She’s already nodding. “I want this with you,” she tells him so softly it could make him cry. Or maybe it did as she gets a little blurry in his vision. But then she chuckles, asking him the same. "Are _you_ sure?"

He practically scoffs, and all he can do is nod. "Of course, Rey."

She smiles, her nose nudging his almost playfully. “I love you, Ben.”

Ben didn’t think he’d ever hear those words again but she says them to him now, aware of all the horrors and treachery he has brought upon this world, and still, she loves him. 

“I love you," he breathes. 

Together they fall back onto the bed. Ben rolls them so he’s on top of her and Rey’s hair is fanned out against the sheets. Thankfully, the bed's size is not reflective of the room's size as they were both able to fit on it easily. Her legs wrap around him, pulling him closer as they get more and more accustomed to kissing each other as much as they are. 

But he pulls away, moving back on his hands off the end of the bed, only so he could rise to his feet and get rid of the rest of his clothes. He doesn't move his eyes from her the entire time and she knows it, watching him with a smile on her face. He kicks off his shoes and yanks off his socks before unbuttoning his pants and letting them fall to his feet, leaving him just in his boxers.

Rey, always one step ahead, lifts her hips, pushing down the only remaining material of her own underwear before throwing them aside like the rest of their clothes.

Ben’s hands are shaking as he reveals himself completely to her as she has done to him. Slowly he moves back to the bed, their eyes never leaving each other. So many thoughts are firing off in Ben’s head, words begging to be spoken but he was still convinced this might be some kind of dream.

“Ben, I’ve never,” she says softly once his face is hovering above hers again.

His mind takes a minute to grasp what she’s saying before it hits him. She’s saying she’s never done this.

“You think I have?” he asks her teasingly.

Her eyes go a little wide in surprise. Like she really thought, even after all his awkwardness, that he must know what he's doing. “I just thought…’cause you’re older and–” she trails off, but one of her hands comes up to his cheek. “Never?”

He shakes his head. “No. I never had much interest honestly...until now.”

Maybe he should feel embarrassed but he can’t. Not when Rey smiles at him and kisses him softly before whispering against his lips. “We can figure it out.”

Because that’s what they always did. They figured out how to be partners. How to be friends. And now they could figure this out together.

He plants his arms on either side of her to keep from crushing her, kissing her passionately as his nerves melt away until it’s just them, safe in this sanctuary they have made with their love and trust that neither of them ever expected to have.

Her hands are everywhere and at every new daring contact, he moans, trying to keep himself in check. He already knows this won't last long. But in hopes of not embarrassing himself further, he lets his hands wander over her. He lingers at her breasts again and it makes her hips buck up against his. He groans at the contact and his hips instinctively do the same.

"Please, Ben," she breathes out, her fingers drifting further down and reaching for him where he was pressed firmly against her thigh. He hisses as she grasps him. His face dives for her neck. Her touch feels incredible but his control is wearing thin.

"Rey," he grounds out.

One of her legs hitches up, hooking over his hip, bringing them even closer. Ben trails his hand down her side until reaching further between them. His fingers just barely brush past her center and her breath catches in his ear and he feels how her other hand holds tighter to him. But together they align themselves until he's positioned where he needs to be. 

At that point, Rey gasps and her hand that was grasping him pulls away to grip his side. He looks to her face then. Her eyes are closed but she looks so beautiful and Ben knows he could spend the rest of his life getting lost in her.

So with his dwindling sense of control, Ben presses in slowly.

Both of them moan out at the sensation, tethering even closer. He never would have been prepared for how it feels.

But then Rey's breath hitches slightly and he pulls his head up to find a furrow in her brow. He panics, thinking he's hurt her so he starts to retract but she wraps her legs around his hips tightly. 

“No. It’s okay,” she tells him.

"But I'm hur–"

“It was just for a moment but it’s fading now.”

He feels uneasy. He should have considered that but he hadn't and he now realizes just how capable of hurting her he was. It was terrifying. He lets his guilt eat at him for a moment before she cranes her neck to kiss him again. 

"Ben," she chuckles, bringing a hand to his face. "Really. It's normal," she tells him, kissing him softly and he relaxes at her assurances. He nods in understanding, still waiting another long moment before he continues forward, pressing further in until he was completely inside. She moans again and he finally releases his own breath he didn't realize he had been holding, reveling in the feel of her all around him for the first time.

He ducks his head into her neck once more. He can't move yet. If he does this will be over instantly, he thinks. Especially when he chances a look down to where they are connected and groaning at the sight of himself buried inside her. 

"Ben," Rey breathes again but this time he knows what she's asking. She's urging him to move. 

Taking a deep breath he gathers himself and all the composure he can to make this last. 

He moves his hips as well as he can, pulling out just a little before pushing back in. The movements only intensifying all the sensations they had built up to. He tries to angle himself better after it all starts to become more clear and he finds a steady rhythm.

But then her hips thrust up from the bed to meet his and he can't really hold back. He curses out then as together they start to build up a new pace.

He thinks it could just be them and nothing else. Even the persistent creaking of the bed passes him by as he prefers to focus more on her quickened breaths and moans of his name. Somewhere, in a more practical part of his brain, he knows how thin these walls were. It was an old hotel and undoubtedly people could hear them, or at the very least whoever was in the room under them would. He's had to listen to a number of persistent creaking coming from ceilings and shared walls as he's been to countless hotels.

But Ben doesn't care. He honestly didn't care if everyone in Rome heard them. 

Sharing this with her was unparalleled to anything he's ever experienced. He's no stranger to taking care of _certain matters_ for himself. It was common enough when he worked alone and he tried not to think about it too much, just enough to ease his own tensions. But he's felt odd about it ever since he got a partner, especially after he realized just how much in love with her he was. But now he realizes that this was something else entirely. 

One of her hands trails up to the back of his head, threading her fingers through his hair. And it incites another level of pleasure that makes him shudder and he knows he can't hold on much longer. 

"Rey..." he breathes, his voice tight. "Rey, I'm not–"

Her moan cuts him off. As he looks back to her face, her head falls back and her mouth falls open. But it's the sudden seize of her around him that somehow pulls him in further and he keeps going, finding incentive to hold on in hopes of helping her find what she seemed to be on the brink of. Her nails sink into his back and the hand in his hair tugs a little tighter but he quite likes the feeling.

And then she cries out, louder than ever before. "Ben!"

Instantly, at the sound of her crying his name and the feel of her all around him, he loses himself entirely and he gives her all he has left to give. His mind turns to mush the second he lets go and he would have forgotten his name if she hadn't whispered it to him as she catches her breath.

His arms are shaking and he tries his best not to crush her as they fail to hold his weight any longer. But his face dives to her neck, trying to remember how to breathe.

"I love you so fucking much, Rey."

He feels her fingers through his hair again and he smiles against her skin. He feels so loved. Craning his neck to look at her, their eyes meet and he can't help but chuckle but his eyes are watery. He's overwhelmed with emotion and love and comfort in a way he truly thought he'd never experience.

He can only hope she understands how much she means to him. 

Her hand comes to his face then, first brushing the hair out of his eyes before settling back on his cheek. Her thumb brushes away the tears streaming down the side of his nose before she kisses him softly.

"I know."

* * *

Rey admired how peaceful he looked when he slept. It wasn’t something she’s really gotten to see before. Not like this. 

It was quiet and still very early. The sun wasn’t up yet but there was the early blue glow of morning that she always liked. He’s usually awake by now, she knows but he looked so at rest, she figured they could sleep in. And even though Rey didn’t sleep very much she doesn’t think she’s ever felt so rested. 

She’s not sure what she expected. She could only have speculated what her first time would have been like. She heard the other girls at Talzin’s always talk about these matters and she would usually hide her blush and turn the other way. 

But she had heard plenty enough to assume that a girl’s first time (as well as most times) were not often pleasurable. That there would be pain, it would feel odd, and even if it did feel good at some point, the experience left you wanting anyway. 

But with Ben it had been so...well, it seemed perfect. Which, in Rey's mind, sounded pretty silly and extremely cliché for a girl in love to say but she didn’t care. For them...that’s how it felt and she didn’t have to justify to anyone why she thought that.

Still, Rey smiles as she thinks why.

It was perfect because he was as new at it as she was and his hands were a little shaky as were the little chuckles he would give when he thought he had embarrassed himself. 

It was perfect because it was gentle and soft and comforting. Contrasting in all the ways that she was told to think otherwise. 

Because he loved her and she loved him and that’s all that mattered. Because it really meant something beyond what she believed it could be and that made Rey feel like she was exactly where she was meant to be.

Because he was Ben and despite all his little quirks and how quickly he can frustrate her and how stern and stubborn he could be at times, Ben was, in his own way, _perfect._

He was thoughtful and caring, and gentle with her in a way he wasn’t like with most things. She smiles, looking down at her wrist, to the bracelet he gave her. She really shouldn’t have been so surprised when he told her he loved her because he showed it every day. 

Even though she never found her parents, she found someone that loves her and she felt so extremely lucky to be where she was. She trusts him with her life...but she wants to share one with him as well. 

Rey looks to him again, recalling their night together and blushing. She knows they didn't take out their target and they would have to deal with that soon enough but she just wanted to lay here with him and pretend like they were just visiting Rome like a majority of the people here.

They weren't normal. She knows that. But her life had never been normal. However, meeting Ben wasn't normal either and it's brought her to such a beautiful reality that it almost seems too good to be true. 

So, even if they'll never be normal, they have each other and Rey is comforted by that thought. 

Ben shifts in his sleep, pursing his lips and Rey smirks. She brushes some hair out of his face before she cuddled closer to him and even though he’s still asleep he pulls her closer and gives a contented hum against her hair. 

Rey smiles into his chest, thinking no one else on Earth would ever expect the fearsome Kylo Ren to be as sweet as he was. But that was _Kylo._ Just as Kira is _Kira._ It’s like a shield or a mask.

But in here they are Rey and Ben and what Rey wouldn’t give for them to be like this always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh I hate it
> 
> The club they go to is supposed to be inspired by that outdoor nightclub venue place from John Wick 2 but couldn't be bothered to find the name so I called it Le Castle Vania after the peeps that do some of the music for the movies.
> 
> Also, ugggghhhh, I don't like writing smut but these two always make me do it omg. And they really just jumped right in, huh? But they're in love and predictable and I just needed them to reach this milestone to move forward.
> 
> This is the last of the pre-written chapters so updates may not be as frequent. But don't fret. I love writing this so I try to make time for it a little bit each day because we all gotta escape sometimes, y'know. 
> 
> And finally, I know a lot of you are stressed out after the gas station confrontation last chapter and you're probably nervous about where that's going. Umm...I don't know how to make you feel better but just mind the tags as we go (specifically the 'you're gonna hate me' kind of stuff').
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading...I love you.


	13. Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a bit shorter. Very nervous to post it but just gotta do it.

Lydia is helping Cassian chop onions for the tacos they were making. But Cassian was arranging all the ingredients for the chilaquiles prepared. Even though they were preparing mainly tacos but Cassian always made chilaquiles because they were Theo and Mae’s favorite (even if they all knew it was basically a breakfast dish). 

Theo was next to her. He was mashing the guacamole with way too much enthusiasm. He was overly excited after Jyn brought him back from his drum lesson and he was banging his head to the rhythm of the song he must have practiced.

But when he starts singing and that’s where Lydia draws the line. “Theo, seriously?”

Theo looks at her. “What’s with you?”

Lydia sighs, not bothering to give a response.

“Theo, can you bring the guacamole over here?” Cassian asks him. “I could use your assistance.”

Lydia watches her brother gather the bowl and rush to Cassian’s side to help him. 

Lydia tries to stay focused on the onions, but she mulls over Theo’s remark. She knows she’s less than enthusiastic today and she doesn’t know why.

She had spoken to her teacher about the project, and in a way, she got what she wanted. She got a different assignment but she didn’t exactly feel good about it. She’s never done something like that before. And honestly, it wasn’t even that bad but still, it felt like she went behind her parents’ backs and she doesn’t like the way it feels.

But maybe it was better than possibly making them cry when she inevitably asked them about dad’s parents. 

“Lydia?”

She looks up to see Jyn beside her. 

“What?”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” she answers quickly. “Just onions.”

“Lydia,” Jyn says knowingly. “You forget I’ve known you since the moment you were born.”

Lydia looks to her confused, chuckling at what that could possibly relate to. “What has that to do with anything?”

“It means I can tell when something’s bothering you. Your mother gets the same look on her face when she’s thinking too much,” Jyn laughs.

Lydia tries to hide the smirk on her face. 

“And she makes that face when she’s trying not to laugh.”

Lydia can’t help but laugh then. She knows what Jyn meant. She knows what look she means. Her mother makes such a face often enough when she was annoyed with her father but still thought he was being funny.

“Well, these onions look just to Cassian’s liking so I’ll relieve you of this duty. Why don’t you go wash your hands? Your parents should be here any minute now.”

“Cool. Thanks.”

Lydia moves over to the sink, washing her hands but before she’s even turned the faucet off, she hears the knock at the door, and Jyn leaves to open it. In an instant, she hears the commotion of her parents greeting her and talking about the drive and the surprisingly minimal traffic. 

For some reason, she instantly feels better to know they’re back. As silly as it was, and as much as she would deny it, she did miss them today. But maybe it’s just because she’s been thinking about them more than usual lately. Ever since she realized that her parents were just as capable of being sad or frustrated as anyone. 

It was odd. They always seem so invincible but seeing them so emotional made her worry about them if she’s being honest. For the past several days, her thoughts at school wander back to them.

But as they enter and Mae gives everyone a big hug, Lydia moves towards them to give her parents a hug.

But she catches the look they have as she approaches them. The slight worry in their brows right before they wrap their arms around her. They looked worried. 

Instantly, Lydia’s heart drops. 

_They knew._ She doesn’t know how but they did.

But her mom grabs her attention, settling a hand on top of her head.

“How was the math test?” she asks.

“Good,” Lydia shrugs. “It’s not graded yet but I think I did alright.”

Mom scoffs. “‘Alright.’ Lydia, love, I’m sure you did better than that. You always do.”

Lydia takes a sigh of relief. Her mother always had a way of calming her down or reassuring her that everything was okay. She managed to do it with all of them. She sees them do it to Theo and Mae just and just as much their father. And he looks like he needs reassuring now just as much as Lydia did.

Dad's face always revealed more than her mom's face did. Even now, he looks a little more distant and almost sad as he smiles at her. She smiles back as best she can.

“Dad!” Theo cheers from the other side of the kitchen. 

“Hey, buddy,” he says, ruffling Theo’s hair. “How was your drum lesson?”

“It was insane! I have to show you what I learned when we get home. It’s so cool.”

Their dad chuckles. “Sounds good, Theo. I’m excited to hear it.”

After that, the friendly lull of conversation and the continued preparation of dinner continues and Lydia can only hope that she was just jumping to conclusions. 

* * *

They all gather around the table for dinner and it’s delicious as always. Cassian was an excellent cook but of course, he pawns all the credit over to Theo and Lydia who helped them get everything prepped.

But Ben’s thoughts keep wandering to Lydia and he watches her from across the table as he can only wonder what she must think of him. It is him, he knows, that’s responsible for this. He is afraid of speaking to his children about the past but he is more terrified of a world where they don’t come to him at all. 

He likes to think they could ask him about anything and he would answer as best he can, but he wonders if that’s really true when the thought of revealing everything to them could just about shatter him. 

Rey keeps settling a hand on his leg, a sign that he was zoning out more than he should and he begs himself to focus while Cassian is telling another hospital story. 

Jyn and Cassian loved to tell little stories of the people they help. He knows for them it’s a similar feeling that Ben gets from doing laundry or tripping over toys that weren’t put away. They were odd trivial matters that they were suddenly so privileged to have in their new lives. Jyn and Cassian didn’t take their hospital positions for granted after having to work in such a grisly field for so long. So sometimes the most tedious tasks at the hospital got Jyn and Cassian oddly enthusiastic.

Theo reaches across the table then for a chip and dunks it in the salsa, scooping out as much as he can before leaning over to take a bite. But as if in slow motion, Ben watches as the chip cracks halfway to his mouth and the mountain of salsa plummets to his very white t-shirt. 

“Aww man,” he whines.

“Theo, dear, how do you make such a mess of yourself?” Rey asks him, trying to help him salvage it as much as she can by dabbing it with a wet napkin. 

“I don’t mean to,” he says, mourning one of his favorite shirts that had a T-Rex playing guitar with tiny arms. Theo thought it was hilarious and he wears it constantly. But now it was splattered with salsa.

He watches Rey and Theo mutter about it at the table before she turns back to him with an amused sort of look on her face. “We’re gonna go spray it with the remover and get him a new shirt. We’ll be right back,” Rey says, scooting away from the table. “Anyone need anything from the house?" Rey looks to the girls. Lydia shakes her head but Mae pipes up.

“Mommy, can you bring the ' _ingwedients'_ for cookies? The peanut butter ones?”

Rey glances at Jyn and Cassian who heartily nod, welcoming cookies. They couldn't pass up a suggestion as cute as that. "Cookies do sound really delicious," Jyn beams at Mae.

"And we've got some ice cream left to pair it with," Cassian adds in.

“Alright, I’ll bring the things for them but any mess we make here we have to clean up," Rey tells her, leaning over to kiss the top of Mae's hair.

All Mae heard was ‘alright’ apparently. “Cookies,” she cheers. “Cookies! Lydie,” she shakes her sister’s arm, “Peanut butter cookies. Your favorite.”

“You’re right, Maeby,” Lydia nods and smiles but her enthusiasm isn't as intense as her little sister.

“Those will make you feel better,” Mae explains but it also hurts because even Mae has noticed that Lydia seems a little off.

But Lydia just smiles, rolling her eyes a bit. “Maeby, you’re crazy.”

Ben gets up then, to follow after Rey who was headed with Theo to the door. He snags her elbow and she hangs back for a moment in the dim entryway. 

Rey smirks at him because she can always read him instantly. "You're worried about her," she says, getting her jacket back on.

He nods. “Even Mae is worried. She seems upset,” he says lowly so Theo won’t hear but he’s lingering on the porch. They only lived just up the street of a very quiet and widely spaced neighborhood but it was quicker to drive, especially if she’s going to be bringing back things for cookies. 

“I know. I can tell,” Rey says softly. “She probably suspects we know and–”

“I just wish she would talk to us about it." Ben reaches for the lapels of her jacket, righting it even though there was nothing wrong, but he fiddles with the leather and the zippers. His own leather jacket, bigger and bulkier than hers was hung up behind her on the hook. "I don’t want her to be afraid of coming to me and I keep thinking that she is.” 

Rey looks at him with that little pinch between her brows. “All I know is that she is not afraid of you. Don't convince yourself she is. But if you want to speak to her...maybe you should tell her that. I mean, we should talk about it further later at home or something but if it makes you feel better, then just assure her that you’re here, you’re her father, and that you love her. I think it’ll comfort her just as much as you.”

Ben chuckles softly. “How do you always make it seem so simple?”

“It’s not, is it?” Rey laughs. “But I suppose when you see it through my eyes, it’s very clear.”

“What do you mean?” Ben asks her.

Rey smiles, bringing up a hand to his cheek. She traces her thumb past his scar, faded over the years but still there. And she always knows where to find it no matter how dark it was. “You’re so much more perfect than you realize.”

Ben scoffs. “Spare me, Rey.” She always says this.

Rey ignores him and carries on. “You’ve got a gut to trust. I know I trust it,” she chuckles, nudging his stomach playfully with her knuckles. “So just go with it, because I rarely think it’s done you wrong.”

He nods but can’t help himself from leaning forward and kissing her softly. Ben is not sure what she says is true, but damn, the way she says it makes him believe it. His wife had the incredible talent of reminding him that he was in control of his life and not everything was as dire as he usually tends to think it is. 

But then Theo calls back from the porch.

“Eww, why do you guys have to do that constantly?” he says, covering his eyes with his hands before turning himself around. "Everywhere we go," he says under his breath.

Rey pulls away, chuckling. “I told you. We embarrass them."

Ben brushes it off. "They can handle it. Parents have to do something to embarrass their kids, otherwise, we're not doing it right."

Ry beams up at him, nudging him playfully. "Very well. We’ll be back in a minute. We have a t-shirt to salvage.”

“Alright. Good luck,” he teases. He lingers on the porch to watch them get in the car and pull away. Theo sticks his head out of the passenger side and waves wildly at him, way too excited that Rey let him sit in the front as they drove just up to their house.

Ben laughs, waving back and taking a deep breath of the night air. He feels a little better now and he thinks she’s on to something. 

There were plenty of times where going on his gut instinct got him into nasty fights or nearly got him shot. But his gut was capable of leading him in the right direction occasionally. Even when he’s being an idiot, it can win out for the best of outcomes. It’s probably what got him to first tell her that he loved her. He didn’t think about it, the words just fled out of him in that ridiculous nightclub.

Perhaps it’s just because this pertains so much to a past he is frightened to look back on and it possibly concerns the way his daughter thinks of him. Or all his children really. Lydia was just the eldest but Theodore and Mae having their own questions would be inevitable.

Ben decides he would like to just say something to Lydia. He doesn’t want to watch her be upset all evening if he could try to ease her worry. So he closes the door and heads back inside to the table where everyone was cleaning up dinner.

* * *

“Mom, it was crazy. It sounds so cool. It was like–” he drums his hands on the seat to try and demonstrate the song he had earned in his lesson today.

Rey laughs. She loved to see him so inspired by something and his excited antics were always so amusing. 

“I love it. Sounds very... _avant-garde.”_

“I wanna practice all weekend.”

Rey smiles but already she can predict that Theo’s drums in the basement will be echoing throughout the house and she chuckles, imagining just what that would look like. But they put up those soundproof things on the door and it muffled the noise a bit. Rey thinks all the music her son makes sound amazing. She’s his mom. It’s natural. Although, she and Ben share plenty of looks when he’s totally absorbed in the world of drums and they can’t go two seconds without hearing it.

But it was worth it, Rey knows, especially because she gets to see Theo so happy like this.

She enters the code to the gate that leads to their house before going further up the driveway and parking in the garage.

They get out and Theo rushes in the house but Rey calls to him, already headed for the laundry room. “Hold up. Give me your shirt to spray before you go get a new one.”

He pulls it off, passing it to her before racing up the stairs to his room while making little crashing noises, trying to mimic the beat he was so excited about. Rey smirks as he disappears upstairs. He was certainly in a good mood today.

Rey looks to the stain on the fabric, smirking at the silly design before laying it on top of the machine and spraying it several times with the stain remover. Rey isn’t satisfied but she decides to give it a moment to sink in before thinking it was hopeless. 

Rey moves for the kitchen, setting her bag on the counter and turning on the lights. She starts to gather the things for cookies, moving to the pantry to find the peanut butter and the sugar. 

She figures Jyn could spare two eggs or so so she gets to work of finding a proper bowl and whatnot but moves to look through one of the other cabinets. But then she hears a door creak from what sounded like the hallway. Theo must have come back to just get a fresh shirt from the laundry room instead.

“Couldn’t find a good one in your room?” she asks, still searching through the cabinets.

There’s no answer though so she sets the chosen bowl next to the peanut butter and her purse on the counter before walking back towards the hallway. “Theo, your dad took a bunch of fresh laundry up just yesterday, I doubt any of your–” 

Rey freezes as she sees two figures silhouetted in her dark living room. 

In an instant, Rey can think only one thing. Theo was upstairs and she had to keep him safe.

But then there’s a hard strike of what sounds like a pipe on the back of her head and she’s crashing to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> You all hate me right now and omg I do not blame you. That cliffhanger is really evil of me but I'm just an evil person. Sorry.


	14. Dyad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback babies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Throne Room-ish but not with Snoke and in Casablanca.  
> 
> 
> Again, I’m not in love with this chapter but it accomplishes well enough what I set out to do. Sooooo, yeah. Here we go.

After Ben woke up that next morning in Rome with Rey beside him they made quick work of Toro Calican in a distant hotel room where they found him sharing a bed with the two girls he had gone to the club with. 

The girls screamed when he and Rey came storming in but Toro slept through it all. They told the girls to grab their clothes and leave which they did, crying and thanking them for sparing them. One of them even tried to hug Rey and she told them to get clean and stay away from men like him. 

“We promise. We swear.”

Again, Toro slept through it all, glued to his bed in a layer of alcohol and whatever party drug he must have been on. So, needless to say, they made quick work of him and hurried back to their hotel. They had intended to just pack and head to the airport but they got distracted and ended up staying another night, forgoing a trip to New York to collect the money to just get lost in each other a little longer.  
But after a week of traveling, Ben realizes they can get lost in each other just about anywhere. 

Morocco was no exception. 

This time the target was a little harder to find...probably because they weren’t looking as studiously. They had spent a lot of time at their hotel mainly. 

Ben falls asleep so easy now and he wakes so readily for the day, feeling so goddamn content because of the woman who wakes up next to him. 

It’s like a dream. 

But it’s not. It’s real. And actually, he hasn’t been dreaming which was such a relief because usually, he had haunting dreams that filled him with either fear or guilt that consumed him until the next morning. But not now. 

Now he’s happier than he’s ever been. 

It was so almost surreal to share something so completely with someone you love, maybe just because he had to remind himself it was really happening. He loves her and she loves him and they were so open and honest with each other that Ben really never expected to ever feel so content with another human being.

And even further, there was seldom a time when they didn’t desire each other. In the week from that first night they spent together, they can hardly keep their hands off one another. 

But today they were getting some air as they tried to pinpoint the location of their next assignment. 

They were set to take out a woman named Miraj Scintel. The contract was opened by a Bruno Denturri who had an intense hatred for Miraj, of whom Ben realizes, is a queen. Queen of what, he isn’t sure yet. Perhaps it was just a title she gave herself. 

However, upon some convincing words with locals and some bribing, Ben got a good lead. Apparently, she lived in a mansion on the fringes of Casablanca, tucked next to the ocean. _Good for parties,_ he was told. Ben rolls his eyes, knowing whoever this woman was must think herself royal enough for a mansion which usually meant they were royal enough for security. A lot of it.

“Rey,” he waves her over from where she was playing hopscotch with a handful of kids a little ways away. 

“Coming,” she says before turning to the kids. “Sorry, lovelies. Time for me to go.”

“No! Stay!” the kids all whine, dragging her back by the hands. “Please Miss Rey, stay and play a while longer.”

Ben smiles, leaning against his bike. They had picked up some motorcycles when they arrived as it was the quickest and easiest way to travel in Morocco. Or maybe Ben just told himself that as he quite liked the sight of Rey on a motorcycle.

But watching her quickly capture the hearts of a bunch of kids was pretty endearing too. 

“I’m sorry. We’ve got work,” she nods to Ben and he smiles, waving kindly to the children. 

Kids were alien to Ben. He wasn’t even good with kids when he was a kid. But Rey was good with everyone...especially kids, it seemed. She goes out of her way to make sure they’re doing alright or asking if they’re hungry or if they were lost. 

The little girls wave back a little shyly at him but Ben can hear them giggle something in Arabic.

“He is, isn’t he?” Rey laughs with them.

He looks to her with exasperation, wondering what a bunch of kids might be saying about him as well as how Rey understood them.

She sauntered over to him with a smug grin on her face. 

“You didn’t tell me you knew Arabic. That might have been helpful when I made a fool of myself getting us coffee this morning,” he teases her.

“I didn’t know it until now. They gave me some pointers,” Rey nods over to the children.

Ben looks at her confused. “You mean to tell me in the ten minutes I was gone they taught you the basics of an entire language.”

“Not exactly,” she says coyly and he waits patiently for her to elaborate. “When they approached me, they told me I looked ‘beautiful’ and they taught me how to say it...and then they just said the same thing about you,” she smirks, coming to rest her hands on his chest. “I had picked up well enough by then.”

Ben snorts, glancing back and all the little girls wave to him again. 

“Maybe I look better from further away.”

“No, they’re right. You’re beautiful.”

She’s said that before, just as he’s said it to her plenty of times now. Still, he wasn’t used to it, the idea of seeming beautiful to someone. But as with everything new he’s sharing with Rey, he’s coming to love it. 

He ducks down to kiss her softly but he can hear the girls giggling again behind them. He looks over his shoulder, winking at them playfully and they beam at him, waving excitedly.

“That’s new. The girls when I was in school were a much harsher crowd. Well...all of them actually. _Until you.”_

“That’s not true. I guarantee they’ve all been swooning over you for ages. You just haven’t noticed. You’ve been too busy torturing yourself,” she braces his chin with her finger, bringing his eyes back to hers. His stomach gets butterflies when she looks at him like this. He’s not sure it would ever fade and he doesn’t want it to. 

“Maybe I was just waiting around for you.”

She rolls her eyes, pulling away to get on her own motorcycle. “Please. You’re too old for me,” she smirks before revving the engine. “Hotel first?”

“Hotel,” he confirms, his heart beating faster than it should.

“Race you there,” she smirks before leaving him in the dust. 

He loves her so much. He just might let her beat him there.

* * *

It was a close one, but she won. He probably thinks he let her win but Rey knows it was truly her victory. 

So she smirks at him before she quickly hops off her bike to race up the stairway to their room, knowing he was close behind. And when he catches her, he scoops her into his arms, carrying her the rest of the way. They crash into their room.

“You’re so distracting,” he teases, nipping playfully at her ear. “I can’t get anything done with you around.”

“We can always multitask...what did the contact tell you?” she breathes out, pulling at her clothes and he does the same. 

He gives a chuckle as he must realize she’s right.

“Miraj has a mansion or something close to the shore, further away from the city. Calls herself a queen,” he explains as he carries her back to the bed.

“That’s a bit dramatic,” Rey breathes out before he settles her down and her breath catches at the feeling. 

“I thought so too...but it probably means she’s well guarded. We should take precautions,” he says, kissing a trail down her neck, further past her collar and towards her chest.

Rey smiles but hitches her leg around him more so and gathers her momentum to turn them over until she’s on top of him. She plants her hands on his chest, prepared to say something snarky as he grabs her hips, but then there’s a knock at the door and they freeze.

They stay like that for a moment before they both look to see an envelope quietly slides under their door and waits for them on the tile. Rey moves off of him, walking over to retrieve it.

“Careful,” he tells her, even if she’s just picking up a letter, or by the looks of it, an invitation. Rey picks it up, looking it over curiously before she walks back towards the bed to open it next to Ben. 

“Don’t touch your face. Letters can sometimes be coated with poisons to kill indirectly,” Ben says quickly.

“Fucking hell, that’s terrifying,” Rey says, holding the letter just by the corner. Ben takes it then, opening it, looking adorably determined even though he’s clad only in his unzipped trousers and his hair was already wild from her hands. 

“It’s from Miraj,” he frowns. “She knows we’re here. She’s invited us over” he says gravely.

“Oh,” Rey understands. “That’s...not ideal. What does it say?”

“That we should arrive at her home at sundown as she says she knows why we’re here and she would like to negotiate...possibly convince us to switch targets.”

“Which we won’t.”

Ben snickers. “Which we won’t,” he agrees.

“But someone brought it here,” Rey says, looking back to the door.

“Someone must have seen us. Or one of the idiots I bribed blabbed.” He tosses the letter aside. “Fuck,” he sighs, falling back on the bed.

Rey can only agree, moving so that she was back against the bed with him. She was only in her underwear but she tried to cling to these moments of silence that seemed like they would be their only for the rest of the day.

“I think we’re in for a long night, sweetheart,” he tells her, his lips brushing against her forehead.

Rey smiles to herself. She doesn’t think she’ll ever get tired of that name. “As long as we have a morning to wake up to, I don’t care. I just want us together and alive,” Rey tells him.

Ben turns to his side, urging her to look up at him. “Always.”

* * *

They spent the next several hours, preparing for the evening at Miraj’s mansion. It occupied much of their time. More time than anything work-related has had the opportunity to for the past week. Ben wishes they could have just proceeded as they originally planned but now their target knew they were coming. It was going to get messy, he already knows. 

He knows they could do it. They’ve fought the odds before on jobs. But it feels bigger now. Because now Ben realizes that every time they go out on another job, they do face the risk of losing each other. Which was admittedly an outcome that Ben refused to accept. 

They were the best at what they did. They were seamless together. Nerves were normal as long as he didn’t let himself get finicky when it mattered. Focus seems more critical than ever now because what he told Rey earlier was true. He gets so distracted with her. He just wishes they could travel the world and ravish each other without the real distraction of work. That sounded so much more appealing.

But then the sun went down, and it was time to go. Ben checks her over before they leave. Making sure she has two guns ready on herself. He already knows that Miraj’s security would likely confiscate them but it’s not like they wouldn't get them back. Even though they haven’t been to the property yet, they’ve told themselves to expect the worst so if it’s not as bad they can at least find something to be relieved about. 

Rey frets over him just the same, fixing his tie and brushing away imaginary wrinkles of his jacket. “You always look so nice,” she says a little sadly. “It’s a pity your shirts always get ruined,” she tries to joke with a smile. 

But he can see she’s upset. This is their job. Rey trained her whole life for this career...but it was against her will and now this is her reality. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I wish it was different,” he tells her softly.

Rey shakes her head. “If any of it were different, we may not have found each other. As hard as it seems...there are silver linings.”

Rey was so hopeful. It was mystifying really, considering all the harsh blows life has thrown at her. But she focuses on the good. He beams as he understands she thinks of him as part of the good in her life. 

He leans down to kiss her tenderly.  
“We’ll make quick work of this and then we’re out of here.”

She had her hair up this evening. A ponytail at the back of her head but she’s incorporated braids that help keep the flyaway strands away from her face. Braiding was another thing Rey was quite masterful at as she claimed it was one of the more honest past times in the dorms of Dathomir. 

And occasionally, after sleeping contently in her arms, he would wake up to find little designs in his hair. Just that thought alone feels encouraging enough to get him through this evening in one piece, all so he could feel it again the next time he wakes up.

He squeezes her hand, kissing her forehead as his other hand reaches for the door. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Ben,” she tells him, squeezing his hand back as he opened the door and together they walked back down the steps towards their bikes. 

* * *

The mansion, which appeared to be more of an old casbah, looked like a giant sandcastle next to the shore that wasn’t far off from all crumbling away into the ocean. 

They pull up on their motorcycles and instantly they are greeted by a group of men with their faces covered, guns in their arms, and knives on their belts.

As they expected, they confiscate their weapons after giving them a pat down. 

But one of them lets his hands wander on Rey when they try to look in her jacket but she punches him in the face. He curses out, holding his broken nose. A few of the other men shout and aim their guns at her and Ben shouts back at them to lower them.

“Why did you strike him?” one of the larger men asks her. 

“Why don’t you ask _him_?” Ben snaps at the man but he gets ignored. They expect an answer from her. 

Rey has her hands up but speaks calmly. “I don’t appreciate getting felt up by your friend.” They stare each other down for a moment before the large man concedes and steps away, waving at the others to stand down. 

They guide them inside and Ben has to refrain from punching the man that tried to grab at her but they couldn’t afford much more trouble. But he meets Rey’s eyes, trying to ask if she’s alright but she gives the smallest nod and he tries to take a deep breath. 

_That guy was going to be the first one to go,_ he tells himself. It’s the main thought that helps him unclench his teeth. 

Ben and Rey walk side by side as they are guided through the halls of the odd structure. Ben is counting how many steps they're taking from the front door, how many rooms there are, how many more men are lingering in the halls...and how many guns they all seem to be holding. He knows Rey is doing the same and they share a knowing look as they head up some stairs. 

_Yeah._ It was as bad as they thought it was going to be. 

At least they were prepared. And at least there didn’t seem to be a party going on. That had been one of his other worries. 

Miraj seems to take no humility in how she presents herself as they eventually find themselves brought before her as she sits on a throne of a large room that was basically just a really big patio as the balcony allowed her a constant view of the sea. 

“Kylo Ren,” she says from where she’s sitting, fanning herself. “And little Kira Niima,” the woman snickers. “I’ve heard a lot about you,” she says, slowly rising and starting to saunter closer to them. “The partnership that’s taken the world by storm.”

Ben and Rey don’t say anything. 

She sounds like she’s rehearsed this. And on the off chance she has, then that means there’s a signal coming that meant her men were going to start shooting. Ben has seen enough displays like this before.

Miraj comes to stand before Ben. She’s still fanning herself and Ben gets a closer look at her. She looks like she’s in her mid to late forties but she’s caked in makeup and draped in all kinds of exotic fabrics, jewelry, and perfume. He thinks she could be good friends with Olga Talzin just by looking at her. 

Miraj chuckles as she studies him. “I’ve heard people speak of you like you’re a myth. Like you’re a monster in the dark. Oh, what did they call you?” she chuckles to herself before snapping to one of the closest guards. “What do they call him?”

“The Boogey-Man,” the guard answers, looking to Ben cautiously. Like Ben was the living form of the entity. 

Miraj bursts out laughing. “The Boogey-Man. Of course. How deliciously cryptic.”

Ben tenses, not enjoying her close proximity or her words. But then she sways over to Rey, reaching for her chin and holding it firmly. Ben’s teeth grit in protest but he doesn’t dare budge, not when all the guards are looking at him like he’s a lion in the jungle.

“And you, my dear. So young and beautiful,” she says but her tone gets harsher and her nails dig deeper into Rey’s skin. “How lucky you must feel.”

“Lucky?” Rey breathes out, trying to pull her chin free. She succeeds but Ben can see the impression marks from here. 

Miraj laughs at her. “I’m sure the world must envy the woman who gets to call herself the partner of such a man. Especially if the man seems to be as enamored with you as he is. I wonder what it must be like to be worshipped by a man like that.”

They have been here for just a few minutes. She wouldn't know that unless she has cronies following them. Which Ben could expect because the invitation got to their hotel somehow. 

Perhaps they should be more subtle in public. Everyone in Casablanca would have noticed what they are to each other. 

Ben really doesn't want such news to travel back to Snoke. He can’t be sure what that man would do if he understood just what Rey meant to him. It was only after Snoke learned of Ben’s lasting compassion for his father that he forced him to do what he did.

 _Fucking focus!_ Ben yells at himself. He’s doing it again. He needs to focus on now. As much as he knows Rey can protect herself, he is her partner and he has to protect her just as much as she protects him.

So he tunes back into Miraj’s words. 

“And yet you still find the time to come visit little old me.” Miraj finally turns away from Rey to move to the other side of the room where she moves to sit on a couch instead and one of her servant girls comes to offer her a drink and a tray of food. “Let me guess...Bruno.”

Ben doesn’t answer. He hasn’t said a word yet and he won’t if he can help it. That’s how he’s always been on jobs. He doesn’t have to disclose who opened the contract or why the First Order sends them their way. 

But Miraj already seems to know who opened hers. Their silence confirms it further for her. 

She gives a humorless sort of snort as she takes a sip of her wine.

“Well, now you know why I brought you here. I can pay handsomely to see that you switch your targets to Bruno instead.”

“I’m afraid that’s not how it works,” Ben answers. “Contracts are tricky like that, especially in our business.”

Miraj’s face goes very still as she purses her lips, setting her wine glass aside. 

_Here it comes._

Ben sniffles just slightly enough that he knows Rey will hear him and he sees her tuck imaginary hair behind her ear. Their decided signal.

“I’m very sorry to hear that. I thought you two looked like smart and rational people...but apparently not. So you’ve left me no choice.”

_They always say that._

Miraj calls to her servant girl in Arabic before rising to her feet and clapping her hands twice. At the sound, the guards start to close in on Ben and Rey. 

He takes a deep breath to loosen up, wondering if this was really the most this _Queen_ had planned. Did she really think she could just ask them like that? She hardly even tried. It seems the stories she heard of them weren’t scary enough if she thought this was supposed to make them squirm.

“You know...I was thinking earlier before you came, there are plenty of myths that parents tell their children or tales that haunt us until we’re grown. When I was a girl it was the boogeyman,” she chuckles, looking directly at Ben. “Only we called him, _Baba Yaga._ But rarely can I think of a title that suits two such as yourself. Two people that can make each other stronger than they are on their own.”

Miraj rises from her chaise and her lady servant and a few guards accompany her as they slowly walk for the door.

But when Rey and Ben follow, they are pushed back by the other men. The rifles pointed straight at their chests. 

None of this seems to phase Miraj as she continues speaking. “And then I remembered... _Dyad._ That’s what they would have called you. Two people who are powerfully, almost _spiritually_ connected. They are so in tune with one another that to call it ‘love’ almost doesn’t cut it...so I can only imagine how wonderful you would have been if you had the chance. But perhaps that’s the price you pay by being what you are,” she explains to them. “You’re hunters. Wolves. And it’s time to die like them,” she says resolutely before turning to leave, but she looks to her guards.

“Kill them.”

And then the doors close. 

There are six guards and two of them. But in an instant, a thought spears through Ben like a lightning bolt. A line his dad used to say.

_Never tell me the odds._

Ben only has a moment to smirk before an aimed rifle is just inches from his face. He kicks the man in question (the same man who tried to grab Rey), making the others fire at him but he ducks, pulling Rey with him as they all fire upon the man hunched over in pain. 

These guards weren’t well trained. Or they were so skittish about having to take them out because of their reputation that they can’t shoot straight. 

Ben grabs the man’s rifle from his limp hands and instantly fires back on them. Rey ducks behind him, grabbing her guns that the man had confiscated before assisting him. 

But by that point, the guards seem to get a little more ahold of themselves, recalling they still outnumbered them so they advance further, shouting and cursing to each other. 

The guards only planned for execution, they didn’t plan for a fight. So they're scattered.

Ben and Rey bring down a hail of gunfire to give them a fair enough cover to get behind the chaise Miraj had been reclining on. Ben pushes it on it’s side so it’s a better shield for them but it won’t last long. 

“How many more rounds do you have?” he shouts over the noise.

“Two for each,” she answers. “Are you out?” she nods to the rifle.

“Yeah. The bastard had nothing but crumbs in there.”

Rey passes him one of her guns and the back up round for it wordlessly as she waits for him to get ready to move. “Got a few of these too,” she slides over a knife she took off the dead guard. “Might come in handy when we have to face the others that’ll show up.” Ben picks it up, having the strong urge to kiss her for her thoughtfulness but he refrains. Instead, he gathers his strength before moving to his back to kick the remainder of the chaise with Rey’s assistance. It slides across the tile, knocking a few of the men over, and Ben and Rey bolt up to seize their surprise and kill the rest of them in a matter of seconds, using as few bullets as they can. 

They rush over to gather Ben’s confiscated guns and any spare rounds and weapons they can before they hear the sound of other guards rushing for them from outside the throne room.

They rush to the balcony behind them, hopping over the side to a small terrace as they wait to hear the next batch of guards blow in. It’s in that quiet moment, just before the next storm that Ben indulges himself just for a moment and kisses her, stuffed and cramped on the ledge that she fits on much better than him. 

She chuckles, pushing him away. “Honestly,” she rolls her eyes at him. “We’re in the middle of something,” she whispers but he can see she's blushing just slightly.

“I know. We’re just really good at it and it makes me want to kiss you,” he breathes back.

Rey covers her mouth to hide her laugh. She composes herself when they hear the door break down again. 

“Later,” she tells him, kissing his nose before they bounce back up and unleash it all upon the unsuspecting guards. 

They don’t even get a scratch on them. 

* * *

They search every room in the now empty building, starting to suspect Miraj Scintel had fled by now. She was the contract and the job wasn’t done until they dealt with her. 

But then Rey kicks down one of the doors to find Miraj’s body, already dead...and the headdress of her servant girl beside her.

Rey looks to Ben as they piece it all together. “I wouldn’t have wanted to work for her either.”

Ben scoffs. “Too soon, Johnson,” he teases as he grabs her hand and together they hurry back to the front of the house to where, hopefully, their bikes were waiting for them. 

She quite liked that bike. 

She’s relieved to see it in one piece as well as Ben’s. They are cautious to see if anyone’s waiting for them outside before they leave behind the rifles they borrowed and hop on, leaving the mansion by the sea in a trail of dust. 

They hurry back to the hotel then. After a job like that it was wise not to stick around for long. There were always loyalties that could sprout up in an instant and take them out at any moment. Rey was even a little paranoid racing through the dark like this. 

But they make it back just as they left it not too much earlier. They move to pack. Ben told her a while back that he’s got a system that helps him pack up and organize quickly so he can get up and leave almost instantly. Rey has adopted a similar system. However, while she’s gathering the toiletries in the bathroom and Ben is trying to get a flight from his phone, she can’t help but chuckle as she thought back on Miraj’s words. 

“What?” Ben muses. 

“That word... _dyad._ I had never heard it before,” she tells him, zipping the bag. "I suppose that was the closest to a compliment she could have given us.”

Ben smiles as he stands up, coming to stand behind her and they look to each other in the mirror. 

“Yeah. A near very powerful but spiritual connection that almost transcends ordinary love? Not bad. Better than ‘Baba Yaga’ at least.”

Rey gives a hearty laugh as he wraps his arms around her.

“The Dyad…” he breathes out against her ear. “Very mysterious sounding. I’ll get us some business cards made." He kisses the nape of her neck where her brand was. A habit of his she’s starting to take notice of. 

Rey giggles but turns in his arms to kiss him like she promised she would earlier. It doesn’t last as long as she knows either of them would like but it still has them bashful and smiling when they pull away. This was all still new to them but it felt so natural.

He tucks some hair behind her ear and it’s so soft and gentle that it makes Rey forget just how ruthless they had to be not even an hour ago. 

“Let’s get out of here,” he breathes out. Rey can only agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOOFT babies but brutal killers omg
> 
> I'm not too good at writing action scenes so I gloss over a lot of details (and the details I go into are sloppy). You'd think I'd try harder at it since this is a John Wick AU lol but I'll learn from this and do better. 
> 
> I wasn't planning for this to be a throne room kind of showdown but it kind of turned into that just not as intense cuz they know how to take control. Miraj Scintel was that queen woman from that one episode of the Clone Wars episode that wasn't very memorable and I spent way too much time trying to find it.  
>   
> ^this bitch
> 
> I know everyone was shaken after the EVIL cliffhanger after the last chapter and I'm sure you're all very anxious to see where that goes. As we move forward, I just want everyone to remember that this is based on a movie that starts with a tragedy. But also, I'm not going to write something Reylo that ends sadly. I do HEA only when it comes to these babes...I just like everyone to go through a lot of anguish before we get there. 
> 
> Thanks for letting me torture you through all this btw;)


	15. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok everyone...here we go. I know this is the one you were waiting for after that horrible cliffhanger I threw at you. 
> 
> First off, thank you so much for over 100 kudos<3!!!
> 
> Secondly, I am super nervous to post this but I know the wait has been evil but...good luck with this my dudes.
> 
> POSSIBLE TRIGGERS IN THIS CHAPTER:  
> Mind the tags!! Depictions of blood, violence (including gun violence), asthma attack, threatening of a child (gonna tell you now the child will be unharmed), and overall peril. HIGH STRESS!!
> 
> btw, pretend we're in John's house too  
> 

Rey pushes herself up. Her head felt like it was spinning from the heavy blow but she has to get up. She has to. Theo was upstairs. She needs to get him out of here, no matter the cost it brought upon her. 

But then she hears him, halfway down the stairs in a new shirt as he takes in the scene for himself. “Mom!” he screams, dropping his drum sticks and they clatter down the stairs. 

“Theo, run!”

But one of the intruders is faster, holding up a gun. “I don’t think so. Get down here.”

“No!” Rey protests but the man behind her hits her again and with her current state of dizziness, it sends her flat to the floor again. 

“Shut up!” he shouts at her. “I suggest you stay put or the kid gets it.”

Instantly, Rey knows who it is. It’s those men from the gas station. Their accents were too similar.

Theo slowly makes his way down the stairs with his hands up, shaking and his breathing heavy. “M-Mom?” he croaks out.

Rey grits her teeth as she tries to speak. “Take what you want, just please, _don’t hurt him.”_

“Shut the fuck up!” one of them shouts at her. The one with the gun steps closer. 

“I’m serious,” the one with the gun speaks to her. Rey thinks he’s the one who spoke directly to her about the Falcon earlier. “You try anything and I pull this trigger.” He explains, still aimed at Theo. The threat is obviously meant to make her realize that Theo was the one in the most danger. 

Theo understands it too and it’s then that he gives a small sob. He’s terrified. His breathing is getting so quick and more panicked. 

_He needs his inhaler. He’s having an asthma attack._

There’s the loud crash of them smashing everything that could be broken in their house. She sees them swing away at their picture frames on the walls. The little house of popsicle sticks that Lydia made a few years ago gets splintered into a million pieces.

Rey can feel something warm dripping down the back of her neck. She doesn’t bother to reach back and feel, she already knows what it is. It’s part of the reason she felt so dizzy and why every time she looked up to Theo she was fighting through the haze of black spots to see his face. 

Even then, she would get to her feet and do what she can to get rid of these fuckers. But it’s Theo’s life on the line and Rey isn’t sure she’s going to be quick enough to ensure his safety. She feels so dizzy. She doesn’t remember getting hit hurting this bad. If she’s honest she can't make out much more than sounds at this point. 

And Theo’s breathing was one of them. Or perhaps his frantic lack of.

“What the fuck is wrong with him?” the one behind Rey asks, kicking her ribs to get her attention. 

“Asth...Asthma. He has asthma. He needs his inhaler,” she manages, fighting against the darkness trying to make her eyes stay closed. She says them for herself too. It gives her the strength she needs to see more clearly. “I have an inhaler for him in my purse, if you just let me–”

“Shut the fuck up!”

“Please! Just let me give it to him! He needs it!” Rey begs.

“I said shut up, bitch!” he jabs her with the end of the metal pole he had first hit her with. 

Theo has never sounded this bad before. It was frightening. Almost more than anything else. Her baby can’t breathe. Rey won’t stand another minute of this. “No, he needs it!”

“I’m not going to let you go digging through your purse to get your phone or some shit. We’re not fucking around.”

“Neither am I!” Rey shouts back as well as she can but it just gets her another kick to the stomach.

“We’ll be done in a minute, just stay fucking quiet,” the man with the gun tells Theo but has to say it with the gun still aimed at him. Rey hasn’t felt this way in years. She hasn’t had the blinding urge to kill someone in so long...but perhaps it’s never felt this urgent because no one has ever threatened one of her children like this. 

Rey will not allow it. She will get her son to safety. For Rey, there is no other alternative.

The third man who was smashing up the house chuckles as he was tossing vases and whatnot into the air before sending them as far as he could with the bat. But then his trajectory is off and suddenly, one of the windows shatters from the force of the bat and the frantic alarm starts to blare throughout the house. 

Rey swears it’s the first time she’s been so fucking relieved to hear that noise. It’s set off of false alarms plenty times over the years and it was always dreadfully obnoxious. But now it was their lifeline. Ben would see the alert on his phone. He would know. He would come. But still, Rey doesn’t know how long that will be. She still refused to let Theo go another minute without breathing. 

“You fucking idiot!” the man with the gun shouts, turning to snap at his buddy. “Every fucking time you pull shit like this and–”

“It was an accident, don’t fucking yell at me!”

They get into it, screaming at each other and shoving at one another. 

_Now is the time,_ Rey’s mind thinks. The part of her brain that hasn’t had to function like this in over a decade now. Slowly, she turns over to look at the man standing over her with the pipe. He’s looking at his buddies, shaking his head. 

Rey then looks to Theo who was watching her, clutching at his chest and looking so terrified as he’s pressing himself into the wall to hold him up. 

Rey holds up her hands, signing as well as she can so he can see.

 _“When I call your name, run to me,”_ she tells him. 

His lip trembled, seeming so unsure. 

_“I will protect you,”_ she signs and quickly he nods.

Rey looks back up to the man with the pipe before gathering all her strength. All the fear and the intent of thirteen years worth of paranoia building up until she forces away the black splotches that sway in her vision. Because her will was strong. Because it was her love for Theo that drives her now. Her love for her home and her family and everything she holds dear.

Rey quickly dusts the leg of the man with the pipe. He slips and Rey quickly grabs the pipe from his hands while he’s in shock. She grips it firmly before swinging hard and striking him in the crotch so he barrels over with a groan and collapses to the ground.

“Theodore!”

Her son rushes for her as well as he can. She knows his body is freezing up and it’s hard for him to move and it must take all he has to get his legs to stride forward but he does it and Rey is so proud of him. 

The next ten seconds seem to take a lifetime as it all seems to triumph and fall back apart in that time. Like it’s at half speed.

Rey grabs hold of Theo, carrying him in her arms as she skids into the kitchen and grabs her purse, pouring it’s contents on the floor to grab his inhaler before quickly helping him breathe once more and the relief of his gasping heaves is what helps Rey breathe again too.

But that relief is instantly snuffed out as she looks over her shoulder to see the three men barreling through to the kitchen. The man with the gun in front.

Rey grabs Theo, urging him to his feet and pushing him as hard as she can for the back door. “RUN!” Theo looks terrified but obeys, rushing the rest of the way for the side door by the table.

But then the gun raises in Theo’s direction and Rey thinks her heart has stopped.

“Fuck it,” the man growls, ready to fire. 

“NO!” Rey screams, pulling herself to her feet just as she hears the gun fire. She can only hope it was enough to block it for Theo. 

She thinks she must have succeeded when she feels herself crash to the floor and feels that darkness wash over her like never before. 

* * *

Theo hears the shot fire out and it’s deafening. He jolts, thinking it hit him and he’s dead. It’s over. But he looks down to himself, not seeing anything wrong with him and he can’t feel anything wrong with him. Still, the sound of it sent him to the ground and he’s curled beneath the table.

He’s shaking so bad and he’s so scared that he can’t even tell what’s going on. 

But he looks back to the men in the doorway of the kitchen, arguing with each other. He can’t really hear what they’re saying, his ears are ringing too much. They're shoving each other and pointing to the ground and then back to the living room.

But he does see one of them lean over past the island counter to pick up the car keys that fell out of mom’s purse. But as Theo’s eyes follow the path, that’s when he sees the limp hand and the long brown hair fanned out on the kitchen floor.

_Mom._

The men don’t seem to pay him any mind after they find the keys, jangling them in each others' faces before turning around and rushing back towards the garage. Theo doesn’t move. He can’t. It was easier when his mom has told him to because she promised to protect him...and she did. But now he can’t move, because he’s afraid of what he’ll find if he does. He doesn’t want to believe it.

Theo wants to wake up in his bed from a bad dream. He could just rush to his parents' room to tell him he was scared and they would offer to let him sleep in their bed but he would turn them down because he was too old for it but eventually caves in because he secretly really likes to sleep in their bed still even if he knows all his friends have outgrown it. But that’s where he wants to be. 

But he’s not.

And it’s not until he hears the sound of their own car peel away in the driveway that he realizes his ears were back and he can hear just how panicked his own breathing was, and just how deafening the sound of the alarm really was. 

Quickly, he rattles his inhaler, taking another strong intake before he hesitantly moves forward on his knees, afraid of what he was going to find.

“M–Mom?”

There’s no answer. 

He feels himself start to cry again. “Mom, a-are you okay?”

Still nothing. 

But then he turns the corner of the island and the rest of her comes into view, especially the wound in her stomach that was bleeding everywhere.

Theo sobs, coming to hover over her, shaking her shoulders and trying to get her eyes to open. “Mom! Mom, wake up! Mommy, please!” He never calls her that anymore but he would call her that forever if it meant she would wake up.

Her eyes flutter for a moment before she does and she looks up at him, a small smile at the corner of her mouth. 

“Mom,” Theo sobs, far from smiling. 

She lifts a hand up to his cheek. “Oh, my baby…Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m okay,” Theo tells her, trying to prove it by patting his chest, hoping she would see for herself.

“Theodore, you need to...to run down to your father. I-I’m sure he’s already coming.” There are pauses between her words as she speaks. “Sometimes he forgets to ch-check his phone,” she chuckles but her notices she’s starting to shiver like she’s cold.

“I don’t want to leave you,” he holds her hand tighter, still terrified. “You’re bleeding, mom! They shot you!” he sobs as he says it. Did she forget?

“I’m okay...I’ll be okay. But I need you to run. Your father will know what to do.”

“Mommy…” Theo croaks out. He has the horrible feeling that if he leaves, he’ll never see her again. 

“You did…” she coughs a little and her hand squeezes his. “‘M so proud of you. But I need you to go find your dad. Please, baby. Can you do that for me?”

Theo wants to say no but his head nods anyway.

“Thank you…” his mom tells him, urging him to his feet. “I love you so much. All four of you...you’re my everything. My whole...my whole world.”

Theo’s heart sinks into his feet, making them too heavy to move another step as he takes in his mother’s words. It sounded like a goodbye. He takes another look at her from the door she tried to push him out of when the men had been after them.

His mom just smiles but her eyes are shining and her hands are clutching at her middle. “It’s gonna be fine. Your dad will know what to do. Just please, baby, you have to go...have to-have to go.”

A tear falls down her face and it makes Theo sob out.

“I love you, mommy,” he says, just in case his instincts are right. His entire body is shaking and he takes another puff from his inhaler. He hasn't had an asthma attack in so long. And never one that extreme.

“I love you, Theodore,” she says, her smile fighting to stay on her face. “Please go...please.”

And with that, Theo pushes the door open and sprints out into the night with his inhaler tight in his grip, and the sight of his bleeding mother burned into his eyes. 

* * *

Ben offered to do dishes but Cassian insisted. Maybe it was a doctor thing but he liked to clean his own things. He did however let Mae stand on the stool next to him and tell him everything she did that day. As shy as she could be, she could talk to them easily and she loved coming over here. 

And Jyn was preheating the oven for the inevitable cookies.

So Ben moves to join Lydia who was in the living room. She looks up at him with big eyes, that look that he knows makes her think she’s in trouble. He sits next to her on the couch.

“You feeling okay?” he starts.

She nods.

“Lyds,” he says, scooting closer, “You look worried. Is there something you want to talk about?”

She purses her lips, something he thought was unique to her but Rey says she gets it from him. Still, it’s a telltale sign that something is on her mind, she just doesn’t know what to say.

“You know...your history teacher emailed mom this afternoon. Mentioned that you approached her today with an interesting request.”

Lydia’s eyes got big again as if her fears have been confirmed. “Dad, I–I’m sorry, I didn’t–”

“Lydia, I’m not upset with you,” he tells her gently, sensing her sudden panic.

“You’re not?”

“No. I understand. I know when it comes to the past I don’t discuss it much with you kids. I wasn’t...I wasn’t the best son, growing up and I know I don’t seem very approachable about it in general.”

Lydia is just watching him curiously as he speaks.

“I imagine it must seem more than a little confusing to you...and it must seem odd that our family is, well, it’s just the five of us technically, but I know for a fact that if your grandparents could see you they would be really proud of you.”

“Really?” she asks with a soft smile. 

“Yeah,” he smiles back, pausing for a moment as Mae walks past them to look out the front window. She was so excited about cookies and waiting for Rey and Theo to come back. Ben smirks before turning his attention back to Lydia. “And...you know, if you have any questions or you do want to learn more about our family’s history, we can talk about it.”

“I just...,” Lydia sighs, and her eyes almost look glassy, like she feels guilty. “I just didn’t want to make you and mom upset.”

“We’re not, Lydia. We just worry about you. We want you to feel like you can talk to us about anything.”

She purses her lips again like she’s thinking heavy before she nods. “Well, I was–”

“Daddy! Daddy!” Mae comes racing over to him with a shocked look on her face.

“Mae, baby, just give me a minute, okay? I’m talking to your sister.”

Mae looks so panicked and she speaks again anyway and she’s gripping his arm so tightly. “Daddy, our car just drove away!”

Ben’s brows furrow. “You mean...mommy pulled up? She’s back?”

“No, I saw _our_ car go down the street, ‘rearry’ fast,” she tells him, signing ‘fast’ with her hands at least three times. 

He tries to calm her down, settling his hands on her tiny shoulders. 

“It could have just looked like our car but it was someone else’s. Mommy and Theo will be back in a minute and–”

Mae’s lips start trembling. “No, daddy, it was _our_ car. Someone took it,” she tells him as tears gather in her eyes. 

“Alright, it’s okay, don’t cry,” he says, bringing a hand to her cheek. “You’re sure it was ours?”

“Uh-huh,” she sniffles.

It was dark out, but Ben did trust Mae’s eyes. She was certain it was their car. And as for the Falcon, well it’s not like there’s a bunch of those driving around here. And Rey wouldn’t be speeding by. She was only coming back here.

“Alright,” Ben tells her, getting up and reaching for his jacket by the door and putting it on, ready to tell Jyn and Cassian he’d just be walking up to check. But his jacket is vibrating and it takes him a second to realize it was his phone. He wrestles to get his hand in to pull it out and instantly his heart drops to his stomach as he sees there’s a security alert on his phone...the one that connects to the house.

“Dad?” Lydia calls to him.

“Lydia, s-stay here with your sister. Get Jyn and Cassian to call for help.”

“What kind of help?” Lydia asks, sounding unsettled and already Mae is hugging tight to Lydia’s waist.

“Anything! _Everything!_ But do not leave this house!”

“Daddy?” Mae croaks out as he goes.

“Mae, listen to your sister. It’s gonna be fine.”

He’s suddenly shaking, his words not even convincing himself. Thankfully Lydia crouches down to comfort her. 

And with that he rushes out into the night air, running faster than he has in years. The distance between their house and the Andor’s wasn’t far, but it’s never seemed so endless before as he sprints as fast as he can.

It was a private neighborhood. The houses were large and the spaces between them even more so with plenty of privacy provided by the greenery of trees and bushes and hedges. 

He never wanted to feel this kind of fear on this street. This place where he’s seen his kids, _his babies,_ grow up. But it took very little to remind him why they went to so much effort in the first place to get them to this level of privacy in the first place. But now he doesn't know. Now he’s so uncertain and he doesn't know what to do but feel his fears crushing more than they have in years. 

It could be nothing. Rey could have accidentally tripped the alarm. It could have been a raccoon. It could have been anything.

But in his gut, just as Rey told him, he knows this is different. As if suddenly, whatever clock that gave them blissful peace for the better part of thirteen years has run out, and now it was time to face the horrors that Ben has always known to be lurking not too far away.

And then he sees the distinct shape of his son, running as fast as he can towards him.

“Dad!” he bellows out.

“Theo!” Ben screams back, the full panic crashing into as he suddenly knows he was right. 

He scoops Theo into his arms, holding him tightly. “What happened? Where’s your mom?”

Theo just sobs into his shoulder. “Dad, they...they came and t-they had a gun,” he cries, his teeth chattering.

Ben pulls away from him to look at his face. “What!?”

He’s not sure Theo can even hear him he’s crying so hard. “I don’t want mommy to die!”

Ben starts shaking. _No, no, no. Not Rey. Rey was alright._

"Don't say that," is all Ben can say. Mostly because he can't hear those words.

“Sh-She told me to run and find you when they left but then I left her like she said but I’m scared!”

“I know,” Ben tries to stay composed for his son. “I know you are. I am too. But it’s gonna be okay.”

_What if I’m lying to him?_

“It’s gonna be okay. But I need you to be brave for me...and brave for mom and run to Jyn and Cassian’s and make sure they get an ambulance here as soon as they can. Okay?”

“Dad, I can’t.”

“You can. Please, your mom needs you. I need you!”

He shouldn’t have to ask this of him but he does. He’s asking his ten-year-old son to run down the dark street by himself after witnessing who knows what. But Ben doesn’t know what to do other than making sure Theo is someplace safe and that Ben got to Rey as soon as he could. 

Ben quickly peels his jacket off wrapping it around Theo. He was shaking. Like he was in shock. 

“Oh buddy, I’m so sorry,” Ben whispers as he kisses his forehead. “Get to their house. Okay? I’ll watch you from here. You can do it!”

“Okay,” Theo nods, wrapping himself in Ben’s leather jacket that was too big for him. “I can do it,” he breathes to himself.

“You can,” Ben cries as he watches Theo take a breath from his inhaler before he ran off as fast as he could where Ben had just come from. Ben jogs backward to make sure he sees Theo make it to the end of their driveway.

Once he does, Ben turns back around to race back up to their house. 

The gate has been crashed through and there are skid marks all down the driveway and a little on the grass too. The garage is wide open and he can hear the faint sound of the alarm blaring inside the house.

“No,” Ben croaks out, his hands shaking in refusal as he races as fast as he can up the painfully long driveway. 

He strides up to the house, through the garage. Sure enough, the Falcon is missing. Briefly, he notices that there’s a baseball bat stuck in the middle of the windshield of their other car and Rey’s motorcycle was knocked over, looking like it had been beaten with something similar to a bat as well. 

Ben sobs out as he bursts through into the house, the sound of the alarm making him cringe. He practically punches the panel on the wall and instantly it shut it up until the house is quiet. When he’s certain his voice will be heard, he calls out with everything he has. 

“REY!?”

No answer. The house is silent. Dread sinks further into his bones as he walks through his home with an unease he’s never felt within these walls. Because he knows whatever he finds won’t be good.

“Rey, where are you!?”

He faintly registers the shatters of his home. The vases, the coffee table, the window, the frames on the walls that previously safely held their family pictures, and Mae’s little portraits. His heart is breaking but it waits with bated breath as he dreads what’s coming. Because Rey hasn’t called out and he knows something is wrong. He almost doesn't want to know. He doesn’t want it to be real. 

But then he rounds the corner to the kitchen and he sees her.

And it's like his whole world shatters.

“NO!” Ben collapses to his knees and he has to crawl the rest of the distance to her as he pulls her into his arms and frantically tries to rouse her.

“Rey? Sweetheart?” She’s cold.

Ben can’t breathe. He can’t think. He can only hold her tightly and scream as loud as he can so it echoes through the whole house. And still, she doesn’t wake up.

“No!” he sobs, frantically searching for her pulse. He finds it but it’s weak and slipping. Her stomach is bleeding and he covers it with his hand, applying the pressure it needs to stop it. She has been shot. Theo said _they_ had a gun.

“Rey...Rey, sweetheart, wake up. Don’t do this, please,” he sobs, leaning his forehead into hers. This couldn’t be real. It didn’t feel right. This couldn’t have happened. Not to them.

Someone broke into their home and shot her! Someone threatened his son, shot his wife, trashed their house, and stole their car.

It makes Ben scream out again in refusal. 

And all the time Rey doesn’t budge. 

“Sweetheart, hold on. Please, Rey. Wake up for me,” he begs her, pulling her closer so he’s hugging her. “I need you. _They need you,_ please, you gotta be okay. _You’re gonna be okay.”_

He can’t accept anything else. Rey was his best friend. His wife. The mother of his children. Everything he has he owes to her and she's unconscious in his arms. Never has he felt this scared. Because never (even in the old days) was it like this. Never was it this bad. Plenty of times he was scared he was going to lose her. Plenty of times he panicked on jobs when she got wounded. 

But never has she been hurt like this. And never has he held her as tightly as he is now, called her name and gotten no answer. The dreadful thought of Theo's words come crashing back to him then.

_I don’t want mommy to die!_

"She won't. You won't," Ben sobs to himself. "You'll be okay. Be okay, sweetheart," he cries. "Hold on."

In the distance, over his cries, Ben can hear the sirens of the ambulance.

Ben knows two things.

One, his wife was going to wake up. She was going to be okay. She had to be.

And two...

Whoever did this was going to fucking answer for it.

“Be with me, sweetheart. Be with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’M SORRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY
> 
> me writing this chapter:  
> 
> 
> If this is where I lose some of you, thank you for reading as much as you have. I know this was tragic and I'm sorry but it's going to guide the plot where it needs to go to get us those true John Wick vibes.
> 
> I love you all so much but I have the suspicious feeling that after this chapter everyone is going to HATE me with justifiable cause and that's ok. I deserve it. Just remember that we only get happy endings in my house when it comes to Reylo...I just like to make us suffer for it.


	16. Japan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I know you're all waiting to see if Rey's okay after last chapter but I'm going to make you wait as we go back to the past and see what assassin babes are up to.

Should the First Order inquire about them, they were sick and incapable of taking on any new contracts at the moment. A bug they must have picked up while traveling.

In the nine years that Ben has been with them, he’s taken only a handful of sick days for when he was feeling under the weather as he rarely gets sick at all.

However, these were the first he’s taken off for the sake of just getting some time off. But he loves it. He thinks it’s exactly what they needed. To just have some time to breathe and not worry about targets. 

In fact, in all his life, Ben doesn’t think he’s ever been so relaxed as he has been since they decided to take some days for themselves. 

Japan was a beautiful country that Ben has always liked visiting but he’s never really experienced it before. But traveling with Rey made him see things. He’s been aware of this since they were in Spain but the more he experiences about the world with her, the more it makes him understand that he must have spent his years on his own in a near robotic haze. His schedule had become so automatic that he hardly noticed anything other than the detail of his jobs and the patterns of targets. 

He feels so lucky that he has learned how to see again and that he gets to see it all with her. 

They’re in a park, lounging in the grass after they ate too much food for lunch and had to take a stroll. They leaned back, admiring the big pond and the massive tree they sat beneath. The park wasn’t too crowded but there’s enough distance between everyone that Ben and Rey felt private enough. 

They weren’t dressed the way they normally were for jobs. Ben was wearing clothes he never got to wear, including the leather jacket he admittedly missed and Rey had on her old bomber jacket again. 

Ben can’t remember a time he felt this peaceful.

“I wish it was always like this,” he admits to her. 

“Mmm,” Rey agrees in a hum. “No jobs.”

“No jobs,” he repeats. “No First Order. No Snoke,” he says sadly, his hands pulling in the grass. “It could just be us...like this.”

Rey looks to him. “You’ve been with him for so long. Have you ever thought of retiring?”

Ben shakes his head. “Snoke is too controlling. I doubt he’d let me.”

“But he can’t do that. It’s your decision.”

“Yeah, but...he knows the hold he has on me. Especially after my dad. He uses it against me. He’s always reminding me that this is the only life I could ever really have.”

“You know that’s not true,” Rey tells him gently, her hand reaching up to brush against his cheek. “It’s not fair to judge yourself over something that he forced you to do.”

“I hate him so much,” Ben admits out loud. The concept seemed so familiar but to speak the words, they sounded new and Ben realizes he doesn’t let himself face that fact often. “I don’t know how I let myself forget it, but he’s the reason I’m a monster.”

“Not to me,” she tells him, kissing the corner of his mouth.

Ben smirks. “You’re biased.”

Rey chuckles. “Maybe. But I know there’s a big difference between you and Snoke...even if I still haven’t met him.”

If Ben could help it, Rey would _never_ meet Snoke.

“I don’t…” Ben starts quietly, almost looking over his shoulder before he speaks. A habit of his when they discussed work matters. “If there’s ever a way for us to leave the First Order behind...together, would you want to take it?” he asks her.

Rey practically scoffs. “Of course, Ben.” It was so obvious to her. But Rey’s been a part of the First Order for just a few months whereas he’s been in for years. Of course it’d be obvious to her.

He just had to make sure. “Me too...maybe one day we can pull it off.”

“And then what?” Rey smiles, diving further into the hypotheticals. “If we weren’t what we are, what would we do?”

“ _This_ ,” Ben gestures between them. 

“No,” Rey laughs. “What would we be? When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up? If you could be absolutely anything what would you be?”

Ben can’t even remember. He shakes his head, “I don’t know. I got so used to this...it’s the only thing I’m good at. I haven’t thought about anything else much.”

“This isn’t the only thing you’re good at.”

“I told you, just because I know how to make pancakes doesn’t mean I’m advanced at cooking.It’s like one of the first foods they teach kids to make. That doesn’t really count,” he jokes.

“It does to me.”

“Rey, you’ll eat anything,” he reminds her.

She smacks him playfully, rolling her eyes but he can see her smirk.

“What about you?” he asks, his hands fiddling with the fabric of her jacket. “If this wasn’t your life where would Rey Johnson be?”

“Oh,” Rey breathes out, smiling as she envisions it. “Well, I always liked fixing things. I worked in an auto shop for a little while for some money one summer, I told you that.”

Rey worked as a mechanic for a while. For a man named Unkar Plutt who sounded like he was the biggest asshole ever and not only docked Rey’s pay but actually hit her a few times. It was enough that at the mention of the story, Ben could easily be convinced to fly to New York and hunt the fucker down himself. 

But he takes a deep breath, deciding the bastard wasn’t worth their time and he would much rather hear what Rey’s answer is. 

“But I did like fixing cars and tools and little things. Thinking how to solve problems, almost like puzzles. It always helped keep my mind busy. I used to secretly break things just so I could give myself the time to put them back together because it helped relax me.”

Like everything Rey reveals to him about her past, it makes his heart sink to hear. But he tries to smile when she conveys just how happy those moments made her. 

“And I always wanted a house,” she continues. “A safe place that was mine...a family that was mine,” she says looking up at the tree over them.

Ben watches her, his chest inflating at the vision of it. If that is her greatest wish he wanted her to have it. A home.

“One day,” he promises her. 

They don’t say anything after that but Rey tucks herself closer to him until they’re tangled and reclined on the grass completely.

Ben kisses her forehead. His thoughts wander back to Snoke and the First Order then and their chances of actually getting out of it all. Because Rey deserves a home and a life where she could be safe and right now, she didn’t have that and he’s not sure when it would be possible but to imagine it feels inspiring. Because he would very much like to make that dream of hers real.

Her dream could be his dream too.

But for now, they were still stuck in employment where there’s no chance for a break unless they pretended they were sick and just practically ignored Mitaka’s questions as to when they’ll be well enough to return. 

Even now, Ben can feel the time they had of this peace start to whither away and he just holds her tighter, not wanting it to end. He wants to pretend they could live that dream and this was just them on the grass of their Japanese vacation. 

* * *

They are walking through the market together. Ben’s arm is over her shoulders as they meander back to where they parked their bikes. She’s so glad they didn’t have to part with them. She thinks it’s definitely her optimal way to travel now. 

It’s so nice to just stroll around like this. To not have anything to do except wonder what they’ll have for dinner even though she’s still fairly full from lunch. But she’s been snacking constantly and Japan was all too kind to accommodate her with the endless deliciousness. 

It’s the most indulgent she’s ever allowed herself to be. Not just with food but with her time. With Ben. 

She can tell the time to breathe and step away from working has had a beautiful effect on him. She doesn’t think he’s taken a day for himself in his whole working career. She wonders how he hasn’t overworked himself. But he seems so happy and Rey loves it. 

She loves him. 

He doesn’t seem to know how beautiful he is. For a man that doesn’t overlook any details or doors or how many steps he takes in a room in case they need to run, he doesn’t seem to notice how women glance at him. But somehow, he doesn’t miss a beat when he thinks someone is looking at her. 

As they walk through the narrow street, Ben looks bigger than usual and Rey chuckles as even the older crowds look to him curiously as he towers over everyone.

Rey smiles, leaning further into him. She thinks back to what she told him at the park. That she’s always wanted a home she could call her own. A place to feel safe. But if she’s honest, he’s already the closest thing to a home she’s ever experienced. She feels safe with him and they do manage to find comfort even in the heat of all the peril they get themselves into. 

“Coffee?” Ben asks her as they pass by a café.

Rey shakes her head. She hasn’t really liked the taste of coffee the past few days and even the smell seems off. “Go ahead though. I’ll be out here.”

“How do I ask for black coffee again?” Ben asks her.

Rey chuckles. He’s been asking her constantly and she’s had to order for them on most accounts but she doesn’t mind. It’s helping her Japanese get much better. But she can tell he wants to get better at it and try to order for himself. 

“Burakkukohi o ippai kudasai.”

Ben opens his mouth to attempt it but just shakes his head. “I’ll just point to the menu again. I’m hopeless,” he chuckles as he ducks inside the shop. 

Rey smirks as he goes, continuing to walk around a bit and admiring the wares of the market. Most things looked second hand but there was also some handcrafted things that people were making and trying to sell. Rey loves it all. It’s so beautiful here and everyone has been so kind and she hasn’t had to think about work all day. 

But as she’s strolling along suddenly there’s a bit of a flash that grabs her attention and she turns over to see a young girl with an old instant camera and she catches the film as it prints out.

But her mother instantly reprimands her.

“I told you not to waste the film. That’s meant to be sold!” she tells her in Japanese.

“I wanted to take her picture,” the daughter answers back, shaking the photo and nodding towards Rey. “Now maybe she’ll buy it.”

“That is not how we get customers. She was just strolling about.”

Rey chuckles, stepping over. “It’s alright,” Rey answers in Japanese. “Really. I don’t mind.”

The mother eyes her daugther. “You’re lucky she’s nice.”

Rey smirks, looking to the young girl. She looked about ten years old. “Can I see?” Rey asks.

She passes the photo to her and Rey takes a look for herself. The only other photo of her she really has is that one from the social services file but she doesn’t like to think about that. And personal cameras were severely discouraged at Dathomir. They were considered sentimental and Talzin never wanted anything to feel too comforting or familial (even though she calls them all the _Nightsisters,_ but the woman was a living conundrum).

But Rey rather likes this picture of herself though. Maybe because it’s such a contrast to the only other one she knows of. 

“Do you like it?” the girl asks her, still in Japanese.

Rey smiles. “I do. Thank you.” 

“Do you want to buy it?”

Rey chuckles. “Actually, yes...I’d love it.”

“No,” the mother says. “That she gets for free because you took it without her permission and I told you not to play with the things we’ve set out to be sold.”

“Okay,” the girl says disappointed, passing the photo over.

Rey looks to the camera itself. “You’re trying to sell that then?”

The girl nods. 

“Actually, I could use a nice camera just like that. How much?”

The little girl’s face lights up. The mother chuckles a little. “A thousand yen.”

“Oh and there’s more film too,” the girl reminds her mother. “Show her the film.”

“I’ll take the extra film too,” Rey nods with a smile.

“Then about thirteen hundred yen, I suppose,” the mother says, passing the things over. 

Rey hands over five thousand yen and their eyes pop out of their skulls. “No, madam, thirteen hundred,” she tells Rey, holding up her fingers. “Not that much.”

“This is the smallest note I’ve got on me,” Rey lies. “Take it, please.” She had more money than she needed and five thousand yen to her was next to nothing when it could mean everything to this kind family that depended on incoming cash.

“Oh, I-I’m afraid I don’t have change for you,” the mother apologizes.

“That’s alright. I think the camera is underpriced anyway. It looks to be in beautiful condition and I already know it works well based on the photo you took of me. Please, keep it.”

Rey would love to give them more but she didn’t want to seem offensive. 

“Well, thank you,” the mother says, this time in English. “Thank you very much.”

“Thank you,” Rey says in English back. “I love it,” Rey tells them, putting the strap of the camera over her shoulder. “I’ll take good care of it.”

* * *

Ben steps out of the café with a ridiculously small cup of coffee. He should have brought Rey in with him. He did manage to get a black coffee but they gave it to him in a sample cup, like one he would use for mouthwash. But he wasn’t exactly being very clear and he made a fool of himself. 

One would think that traveling as much as Ben does for as long as he has would mean he would have these things figured out by now. But usually, he didn’t wander like this, getting coffee while out on strolls. Usually, he would only get food and drinks and coffee from whatever hotel he was staying at.

As soon as he starts looking for Rey though, suddenly he’s faced with a flash. He blinks before Rey finally comes into sight but she’s got a camera in her hands and a smirk on her face.

“Where’d you get that?” he chuckles.

“Bought it. It’s mine now,” she says, fanning herself with the photograph she took of him. He remembers those cameras. His mom used to have one but he hasn’t seen one in a long time. 

And Rey seemed to get an adorable amount of joy from it. But as his mind wanders back to that heartbreaking photo from the file, he understands why. She’s never really had her picture taken properly.

“Aww, look how cute you look,” she says, showing him the photo as it finally appeared to them. “You and your little cup.”

Ben snorts. “Yeah, I didn’t do very well in there,” he says taking a single swig of the coffee and finishing it entirely before discarding it. He reaches for the camera next. “Alright give me the camera. We need a photo of you too.”

“I’ve already got a photo of me,” she pulls it out of her pocket and passes it to him. “The little girl who sold it to me took it, but I didn’t notice until after. Makes me look very intellectual,” Rey teases as she looks to it but Ben takes his time to study it closely before he looks back up at her. “What’s the matter?” she asks him.

She looks so gorgeous. Almost ethereal. Like she could have been glowing even though it’s probably from the flash of the camera.

“You’re really beautiful, you know.”

Rey snorts, poking him a little. “Honestly.”

“You know I mean it.”

Her cheeks are flushed. 

He ducks down to kiss her softly. Too tempted not to. But with her defenses down, he swipes the camera from her hands. “Oi! That’s mine.”

“We’re gonna need more pictures of you, I’m afraid. Whole suitcase full of ‘em,” Ben explains as it’s suddenly his main priority.

“Ben,” Rey chuckles, reaching for it but he brings it up to take a picture of her, hoping to capture the blush on her cheeks. 

“Oh, yes, lots of pictures,” he tells her as he shakes it as they keep walking, heading back for where they left the bikes. “This was a good buy.”

“I thought so,” Rey smiles. 

He brings an arm over her shoulder, hugging her tightly against his chest and resting his cheek over her hair as he holds the camera above them a bit, taking the picture. 

Ben never liked having his picture taken. At first, because he always looked odd and he didn’t like how photos always remind him of that. But then, as he got older and his job relied on being invisible and an international ghost, photos were highly discouraged. Deadly, in fact. 

_But these?_ Ben could get used to these. There’s weren’t digital. They existed only for them and it also left them something to hold onto of now. Of these moments that he’s been so afraid are passing him by. It would be nice to learn how to hold onto things instead of never allowing himself to get them in the first place.

The photo appears to them after they continued walking and he gave Rey the camera back.

“Aww, look at that. It’s the first picture of us together.”

Ben beams. 

_First of many,_ he thinks to himself.

* * *

“You’re certain it was him?”

“Positive. It took us a minute to identify him because he looked a little different but it was definitely Ren.”

“What do you mean ‘different?’” Savage snaps.

“Well, he’s with his partner. They’re very...close. They’re acting like they’re on vacation.”

“‘ _Vacation?’_ That’s not like him. And close with his partner? _The girl?_ ” Savage asks incredulously.

“Yes, sir.”

“You mean they’re sleeping together?” The disbelief is evident in his voice. The old rumor was that Kylo Ren was a reclusive, anti-social, and impotent bastard so all of them were surprised.

“Well, yeah but more than that. They spent all day strolling around and going to parks. Taking pictures. Laughing, holding hands, and sucking face like a bunch of teenagers.”

“This doesn’t sound like him.”

“We know. That’s why we waited so long to call you, but we’re sure. _It is him.”_

Savage sighs. “Alright...you know where they’re staying?”

“Yeah. It’s a private condo on the fringes of the city. We’re about a block away right now.”

“And you’re sure they didn’t see you.”

“They didn’t. As I said, he’s different. He’s smiling and shit. It’s almost scary.”

“Okay. We’ll have to make a move.”

“Viscus and I can–”

“No, don’t do anything yet. Hold off until I arrive. If I leave now, I should be there soon.”

“Should we call Maul?”

“No!” Savage answers harshly. “No, leave my brother to me.”

Viscus and Feral already know it’s so Savage can take the credit for taking them out.

“Alright, we’ll be waiting for you. Call us when you get in. We’ll keep an eye on them.”

Savage cackles. “We’ll see how Snoke likes it when his best man and newest addition get taken care of. 

* * *

Ben woke up with Rey half draped on top of him.

He smiles, wrapping his arms around her more completely and at his slight movements, she stirs awake against him. 

“Mmm,” she hums, pressing kisses to his throat. “Morning.”

“Morning,” he whispers back, his voice rough from sleep. 

They must have only been asleep a few hours. The sun seemed to just be rising now. They were up most of the night. Knowing they didn’t have to get up and chase down a target gave them the freedom to fall asleep when they please. 

Or do whatever else they want which they took full advantage of.

When they got back last night, they immediately made their way upstairs. As insatiable as he’s been, he knows he’s not alone in that. Rey seemed to be having similar thoughts as him. So he shouldn’t even be surprised when Rey hitches her leg over his hip and he chuckles deeply as he rolls them over so he’s on top of her again. 

He kisses down her throat and then to her collar. But when he arrives to her breasts, nipping at her peaks playfully, she hisses and her fingers tighten in his hair as well as her legs around his waist. 

“Sensitive?” he asks lowly.

“Mmm. A bit, yeah.”

He offers his apology in the form of kissing them again, but much softer and tracing gently with his tongue. Rey gasps then and he feels her hips searching for his. But he continues his way down her body, leaving open kisses in his wake.

He sees the slight marks around her hips, left behind from his fingers and he gently runs his fingers over them, not realizing he had let his own strength get away from him. 

“Did it...did I-?” he starts, failing to voice his concerns. 

Rey chuckles, already knowing what he was trying to ask. “No. No, it felt good.”

Ben nods, relieved. But he feels Rey’s hand trail down his neck, towards his chest. “Besides, I didn’t exactly hold off on you,” she blushed, tracing patches of his skin and when he looks down he sees marks, suddenly recalling where Rey’s mouth had been. 

He chuckles lowly, remembering how much he enjoyed it. He wears the marks she’s left proudly, enjoying the visible claim she’s left on him.

He dives down again, returning to his path down her body, kissing the soft skin around her hips before taking hold of her leg and hitching it over his shoulder. 

But as he presses kisses to the inside of her thigh, he freezes when he hears something from the hallway beyond the bedroom door. He looks back up at Rey and her eyes are set on the door as well. 

She heard it too. 

They both wait, holding their breath. He knows Rey wants it to be nothing just as much as he does. They both want to pretend it may not be there so they can remain in this safe and beautiful space they found together. 

But then there’s the distinct presence of footsteps trying to be silent.

“Fuck,” Ben curses, moving off of her. “Get up. Get dressed.”

Ben jumps off the bed and searches for his underwear and his pants. 

He barely has them on and buttoned before the door is kicked open and Savage fucking Oppress comes charging in with a gun in his hand and a smirk on his face.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

Savage cackles, aiming the gun right at Ben’s chest and kicking the nightstand aside that Ben tried to throw at him. A small stack of their photos from the day before getting thrown into the air.

“Stay right the fuck where you are!” He shouts.

The two men that barged in behind him have two guns pointed at Rey as she was diving for their weapons just out of reach but she freezes. “You too, missy!” 

_Viscus and Feral,_ Ben recognizes them.

“What a fucking sight,” Savage chuckles, shaking his head as he lumbers closer.

Ben was a large man, but he didn’t look it next to Savage. Savage who practically had the top of his head grazing the ceiling and was probably close to seven feet tall.

“Kylo Ren...do you have any idea how much I’ve longed for this day? You’ve been nothing but a thorn in Crimson Dawn’s side for years. Snoke’s little pet. I thought you slept, ate, and breathed skill and finesse for this job. It had made you untouchable...but then my boys caught sight of you,” he nods over to his two cronies who were like vultures around Rey.

“Maybe you’re more human than we thought,” Savage says, leaning over to pick up one of the photos. He chuckles at it before flicking it back at Ben and the edge of it strikes his chest fairly hard. A small insight into just how strong Savage was. “I wonder if Snoke knows you’re taking all this time off just to sleep in and shag your new partner.”

Ben grits his teeth, trying to challenge his words with a hard stare. 

“She’s a lovely little thing, isn’t she?” Savage looks to Rey now, his eyes invasive. Ben sees she only had time to grab one of his t-shirts to cover herself as she stands on the other side of the bed with her hands up just enough that the hem of the shirt didn’t go up too high. 

“But just as fucking nosy as you are, isn’t she? You know how many we’ve lost to you two? Do you have any fucking clue how troublesome you are!?” Savage shouts at Ben, stepping closer and prodding him with the end of the gun on his bare chest.

He can hear Rey’s breath hitch. She’s scared, just as he is. They’re never this out of control. They never have been caught off guard like this.

He supposes he’s let a lot of his usual rules slide the past several days but being like this, with Rey, it had been so easy to get lost in each other. He wasn’t exactly as alert as he should have been.

The next thing Ben knows, he’s got Savage’s hand around his throat and he’s being dragged across the hardwood.

“Ben!” Rey shouts, racing to get in Savage’s way but the guns cock and she’s shoved aside, reminded that there are two others watching her.

Savage cackles as he throws Ben into the bathroom and he crashes to the floor, his head hitting the edge of the toilet. 

As he’s trying to get his bearings, Savage grabs him by a fistful of hair and nearly dunks him in the toilet bowl itself before he feels the clench of a handcuff around his wrist. 

The barrel of the gun is pressed against his temple. “Cuff yourself around the back!” Savage tells him.

Ben refuses but then the gun moves from his head and he aims it at Rey who is being held back by the other two men in the doorway. Guns to her head as they pull at her hair to make sure she’s watching. 

Ben’s blood boils.

“Cuff yourself now!”

Ben feels himself shaking. 

This is bad. Very bad. _Handcuffed to a toilet bad._

“Thank you,” laughs Savage. “You know I’ve spent a long time fantasizing about this moment. The day I get to kill Kylo Ren.”

“Fuck you, Savage,” Ben mutters.

Savage ignores him. “But now that it’s here, I think it’s fair to say there’s more than one way to do it. I’m gonna break you my friend...starting with her,” Savage whispers, nodding to Rey in the doorway. 

“No...No!” Ben screams, “Fuck you!”

“Shh,” Savage pats his head as if he were a child. “If you’re quiet, you may just hear the shot that kills her.”

Ben yanks at the handcuffs, trying to break free. “No! Don’t fucking touch her!”

Savage ignores him, stepping back for the bedroom. Rey breaks loose from Viscus and Feral’s hold, starting to charge for their guns on the other side of the room but Savage grabs her by the hair. 

“Let her go!” Ben screams. 

Savage strikes Rey across the face with the barrel of his gun and she falls to the floor.

“Rey!” Ben screams, not even thinking about calling her 'Kira' in front of all of them. 

But then Savage picks her up like she’s a paperweight, keeping her up by tucking his arm under her chin so she struggles to breathe. And he keeps the gun to her head. Rey claws and fights against him but he’s too big. Nothing she’s doing is working. 

“I think we should take out the trash for Mr. Ren while we’re at it, huh boys?” Savage asks but looks to Ben through to the bathroom with a smirk.

The two others laugh in agreement as they all start to leave, Rey’s screams muffled by Savage’s hand that covers her whole face.

Ben is tugging against the handcuffs, screaming his head off as he makes demands and frantic pleas for her to be let go. 

But they’re gone. 

“REY!”

He won’t let this happen.

Ben screams out, ignoring the pain of his wrists as he thrashes and pulls and gives everything he can, trying to will the metal to break. He’d break his thumb if he thought it’d help but they’re too tight and he knows his hands wouldn’t slip out. 

Curse his giant fucking hands.

“Fuck,” he mutters, tears blurring his eyes as he panics, hoping that he won’t have to hear the sound of a shot fire out. 

He’s never come this close to losing her before and he won’t even entertain the idea.

Getting as well as he could to his feet, he rams his shoulder into the tank of the toilet, pulling and thrashing and yanking and waiting for something, anything, to give way. His wrists sting but Ben's eyes are shut tight, blocking it all out so he can keep trying. Keep pulling and screaming and doing everything he can to break free and get to her.

But then the toilet comes loose first and water floods the bathroom, rushing past his bare feet and he slips back against the wall behind him, finally free as he pulls his hands away. They were still handcuffed and his wrists felt so raw but he ignores it.

“Coming,” he breathes out for Rey even though it’s so quiet he could barely hear himself. “I’m coming,” he says for both their sakes as he grabs his gun and one of her bobby pins from the nightstand to wrestle with the lock of the handcuffs.

* * *

Rey couldn’t see much as her entire face was covered by the giant’s hands but she can tell well enough they were headed outside. The condo she and Ben were staying at was so perfect. Quiet but not too far from the buzz of the city. They decided they didn’t want to stay in a hotel this trip. They wanted something with a bit more space as they wanted to stay for a while. 

But now she was being taken back outside, to the little alley around the corner that was woefully unoccupied and no witnesses to intervene. 

Rey makes her next round of attempts again, clawing and kicking and jabbing her elbow against the man but he was like a brick wall. Nothing seemed to bother him. Which included killing a young woman in an alley wearing nothing but a mens t-shirt.

He lets her go, shoving her to the ground until she lands in a pile of trash bags and she’s looking up at the man from her knees. The other two were busy keeping an eye out for any passers-by.

If she heard Ben correctly inside, his name was Savage which would make him Maul’s brother. The leader of Crimson Dawn. 

Rey tries to fight it one more time but he just shoves her back into the trash which was admittedly softer than she expected. 

Savage wasn’t just as tough as a brick wall but he was as tall as one too. She felt like a feather compared to him, she had to crane her neck so much just to look at him from the ground and for some reason when she does, she suddenly has the impulse to throw up. She chalks it up to revulsion.

“Why don’t you give us a scream? It’ll make the boy inside go ballistic?” Savage chuckles.

“Fuck you,” Rey challenges, staying as stonefaced as she could even if the smell of the garbage and the sudden turn of events is making her stomach roil.

Savage shoves the barrel of the gun to her forehead. “You got a big mouth for a little lady.”

“Hurry up, Savage!” one of the other men shouts from down the alley.

“Time’s up, princess.”

A shot fires out and Rey jolts in shock, thinking it's all over. 

But she’s fine. 

In fact, it’s Savage that timbers forward and she has to roll out of the way so she doesn’t get crushed.

As he does, it reveals Ben standing behind him with his gun aimed as he fires again down the alley and the second man falls. The third one takes notice of there being more shots than there should be and he turns, ready to fire at Ben.

“Ben!” she points and quickly he spins around and fires once more.

The man falls to the ground.

_It’s over._

She takes a sigh of relief and she slumps back into the garbage trying to catch her breath even though all she had to do was shout for him.

Ben comes down beside her. His trousers are soaked and one of his wrists is still handcuffed as it jangles against his forearm. But he brings his hands to her cheeks. 

“Are you okay?” he croaks out, looking her over. His fingers brush over where Savage hit her with his gun, just over her cheekbone. She’s realizing just now how much it hurts. 

She nods, not sure she could speak just now. She feels sick. That was way too close and the reality of it all just hits her now.

“Rey?” Ben asks softly.

Yeah, she’s definitely going to be sick. 

She doubles over, having enough presence of mind to turn around a bit so she didn’t vomit on Ben’s feet. She feels him hold her hair back and he speaks softly. “It’s alright.”

She nods, knowing it was true but her stomach just isn’t listening. She never reacts like this on jobs but it must have just been the shock of it all. She can't even recall the last time she threw up. It wasn't how her body dealt with things.

 _Well, until now_. Nearly getting shot in an alley probably had this effect on anybody.

“I’m sorry,” she croaks out when it seems to finally pass, her eyes tearing up from the reaction. 

“No, it’s okay. It’s over now,” he tells her, rubbing her back.

When she turns to him, she sees he’s shaking a little too. Her lip trembles at the sight of him. _He’s okay._

She sobs out a little and he wraps his arms around her. “Fuck, Rey, that was so scary,” he sobs into her shoulder and she realizes he’s crying too. “That was too close.”

Rey can only hold him tighter. “I tried to…” Rey tries to explain. She feels like she wasn’t quite herself this morning and she could have cost them their lives. “He was too strong and I couldn’t…” she shakes her head, pulling away to look at him again and she notices his arms. “Oh, Ben, your wrists. I’m sorry–”

“No, they’re okay. I’m okay. It’s all over now...But we gotta go. They’re from Crimson Dawn, they could have more coming,” he tells her, helping her get to her feet and urging her inside. 

She supposes that’s it for their attempt at a vacation. She wishes it didn’t end as terrifying as it did but suddenly, all Rey wants is to very much get out of here. She’s trembling as she freezes in the kitchen, trying to figure out if she feels better or if she’s going to be sick again.

Ben spins around when he sees she stopped following him and he rushes back over to her and pulls her into his arms.

“We’re okay...we’re okay, sweetheart,” he tells her but he’s still shaking too.

That was way too close.

But then their heads start to get wet and she looks up to see the water damage on the kitchen’s ceiling. 

Ben chuckles. “We’re gonna have to leave a big tip. The bathroom is ruined”

Rey laughs but more tears fall down her cheeks. “And there are three dead guys in the alley.”

“Yeah...I don’t think they’re gonna let us come back.”

Rey sniffles, hugging him tighter as the nausea passes. She couldn’t care where they go from here but she just doesn’t want to let go of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](/gif/boondock-saints-toilet-scene-8a6rS9)  
>   
> Sorry, I could not resist a Ben Solo Boondock Saints styled toilet removal. I almost had him jump off the building with it too but I think that would have been too much lmao. 
> 
> This one isn't my favorite but we do get a glimpse of just how frantic Ben gets when Rey is in danger...so I wonder how he'll react now that Rey has been very much hurt trying to protect their son. 
> 
> Also, I just want to thank everyone for the amazing response to the last chapter. I'm pretty sure that was the most comments I've ever gotten on one chapter at once and it was AMAZING! Thank you to everyone that is letting me torture their feels with this nonsense. You're all amazing and I love you kids.
> 
> (ALSO, PLZ VOTE...MUCH MUCH IMPORTANT)


	17. Diagnosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DEEP BREATHS EVERYBODY
> 
> AND REAL QUICK, non-story related but...I know people may not see this until later but I just want to say, if you live in the States, please VOTE today if you haven't already. We can't have Jabba running things for four more years!!
> 
> Also, this one kinda makes me cry so my proofreadings were flawed lol. Hopefully, this all makes sense.
> 
> YEET!!

Mae was shivering as she clung to his neck. Ben was sitting in the armchair that was beside the bed Theo was in. They wanted to check him over just to be safe as he said he had an asthma attack during the invasion. 

Apparently, Rey had risked everything to get Theo to safety, just so he could breathe and have a chance to run after they threatened to shoot him. 

And then they shot Rey instead. 

Ben hasn’t seen her since she was rolled away on the gurney and Jyn jogged down the hallway with the other medical staff. When Ben tried to follow, Cassian got in front of him and told him to stay back and that they were going to take care of her.

It was one of the hardest things he’s had to do...stand aside while he watched his wife get taken away. But waiting for news, _any news,_ was even harder. Because Ben honestly doesn’t know if she’s going to be okay.

And to the three tiny humans that were just as frantic and panicked as he was, he didn’t know how to help them except to hold them close. They all had questions he couldn’t answer.

_Is mommy okay?_

_Why did they come to our house?_

_When can we see her?_

“I...I don’t know,” he tells them.

“I want mommy,” Mae sobs again against his neck, her hands tightening around his shoulders.

“I know, baby,” Ben rubs her back, trying to soothe her but he’s trying so hard not to sob too.

Ben’s other hand was held tight to Theo’s who was sitting up in the bed, his head heavy as he cried too.

And Lydia was sitting on the edge of the bed, her face buried in her hands. “This isn’t fair...I-I don’t understand,” she croaks out, looking at him and if Ben’s heart could break any further it would. But there’s nothing left but shattered remains after the tragic route this evening has gone. 

“It isn’t fair, but there’s no way to understand it. Not something like this,” Ben says, his voice hoarse. He realizes now just how much he was screaming after he found Rey. He shivers now just thinking of the sight of her on their kitchen floor. 

Theo sobs out again and Ben squeezes his hand again. “Breathe...just breathe, it’s okay.”

It’s not okay, but Ben doesn’t know what else to say to them. He’s sure they’re having the same gutting thoughts he is and it’s terrifying. 

_What if they actually lost her?_

They never should have had to worry about this but now they are, the four of them cramped in the small hospital room.

Every time someone walks by in the hallway, Ben straightens up, wondering if they would knock and mention some news about Rey. It’s been hours now. Cassian stopped by twice now to check over Theo but when they ask about Rey, Cassian just says he doesn’t know. That she was still in surgery. 

Mae gives a big sniffle and Ben knows there’s probably a mass collection of tears and mucus on his neck but he doesn’t care. He just keeps rubbing a hand past her back and through her hair. The buns Rey had done for her that morning were long gone. And the batteries to her hearing aids had died out so he just kept hold of her because she couldn’t even hear him anymore.

She had to be so tired, all of them actually, but Ben honestly wonders how any of them could ever rest. Not after something like this. He doubts they’ll be able to do anything until they have news that their mom is alright. 

So when they see Jyn walk past the window, they all perk up...except for Mae who hasn’t shown her face for about a half-hour now. She remained glued to his shoulder. 

But Lydia springs up from the bed as Jyn walks in, big tears in her eyes as she speaks. “Is mom okay? Is she out of surgery?”

Jyn nods, but Ben can tell she’s trying to find the words. “She’s just been moved out of surgery. It was successful.”

“So mom’s okay?” Theo croaks out. 

“She’s…she’s hanging in there real nice...” Jyn trails off, looking to Ben. Ben’s heart picks up again. She’s never like this. Especially with medical stuff. She’s always comforting and direct. Even when she first told them that Mae was deaf, she was calm and hopeful in her delivery. But now she looks shaken and he knows it’s because this was _Rey._ To her, this wasn’t just another patient. This was her friend.

“I actually want to speak to your father for a moment. Ben, can you step outside with me?” she asks.

Ben can only nod, woefully letting Theo’s hand slip through his and standing up. Mae’s arms tighten around him as she senses he’s going to put her down.

But Lydia speaks up again. “If something’s wrong with mom, you have to tell us,” Lydia sobs. “We need to know.”

“Lydia,” Ben urges softly, settling a hand on her shoulder. “It’s alright. Look at me.”

She does and she looks up at him. Her eyes have never looked so big and so scared. Her lip trembles. “I just want to know she’s okay,” she breathes out.

“She is,” Jyn says from the door, wiping her eyes. “There’s just the matter of some grown-up stuff we have to talk about.”

Ben brings a hand to Lydia’s cheek. “I’ll be right back. I’m just going to go see what’s going on and I’ll be right back,” he promises.

Lydia doesn’t look convinced but she nods, slumping back against the bed. Ben slowly eases Mae from his arms so she’s right beside her sister but instantly she reaches for him, whimpering. “Daddy, no,” she whispers. Her voice was always so much softer when she couldn’t hear herself. 

_“I’ll be right back,”_ he signs quickly before he kisses her head. And before he goes, he does the same to the other two, hoping they all know how much he loves them and that no matter what he was going to be there for them, even though he’s scared shitless and he’s having his doubts if he’s really strong enough.

He backs away slowly, his heart watching in agony as the three of them stay huddled on that bed, looking so small suddenly. All these years he’s been terrified of them growing up but they look so tiny now. And he hates to leave them but he needs to hear what’s happening to Rey. 

So the door closes behind him until it’s just him and Jyn in the hallway. 

He purposely steps away from the window, further out of sight so the kids couldn’t see his reaction to whatever Jyn was about to tell him. He didn’t trust himself not to fall apart.

“Tell me,” he says quickly, settling his hands on his hips as if that would help brace him for the news. 

Jyn gives a heavy sigh. “She’s out of surgery now.”

She had mentioned that when she came in. “So she’s breathing?”

Jyn nods, looking down.

He holds her to her words that she said in front of his children. As much as he wants to put their minds at ease, he doesn’t want to lie to them. “She’s gonna be okay then?”

_Does he dare hope? Was Rey really okay?_

Jyn doesn’t say anything but she looks at him with a heavy expression. Ben’s stomach churns, feeling like that look alone killed him. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” he croaks out, his throat feeling tight suddenly. 

Jyn opens her mouth to speak but there’s no real answer. Just his name in just about the saddest way she’s ever said it. “Ben…”

Something is wrong. Ben won’t go another minute without a straight answer. “Where is she?”

“Ben, not yet. You need time.”

“Where is she? I want to see my wife.”

“She’s in the ICU but–”

Ben spins around, charging for wherever the fuck intensive care was. He needs to see her, even if Jyn was trying to persuade him against it. She’s jogging to keep up with him as he barges down the hallway.

He was wearing a spare gym t-shirt that Cassian loaned him from his locker. It’s more revealing than he likes. The sleeves were too short and the tattoos on his biceps peeked out slightly but that’s hardly his priority at the moment. Ben’s other shirt was too bloody. 

Still, his appearance is frightening to all who pass him as he storms the halls with Jyn trailing behind him, all the way into intensive care.

Corner after corner until he bursts through the right set of doors.

And then he sees her.

She’s so still on that bed, hooked up to all those machines. 

Ben barges in, ignoring the protests of the surrounding nurses. He sobs out as he steps closer to her, ignoring the warnings.

“Sir, you cannot be in here!” one of them says, attempting to block him.

“It’s alright, he’s the husband,” Jyn explains and Cassian jogs up behind her. The nurses leave them be and the three of them approach Rey on the bed. 

Her heart monitor is beating steadily. She’s alive. She’s breathing...but not by herself he sees. And suddenly, Ben understands. 

_She’s in a coma._

“No,” he slumps against the side of her bed, reaching for her hand, hoping more than anything she will squeeze his hand back. But she doesn’t. She’s so still. 

“Ben,” Cassian says, setting a hand on his shoulder. 

“What...Is she...when will–” he can’t even string a question together his emotions are so out of control.

“She’s got some severe blows to the head, a few broken ribs, and some internal bleeding. And...well, you know she lost a lot of blood from the gunshot.”

Ben sobs again. He hates these words. He hates that they’re in regards to Rey. This couldn’t be Rey. Not her. It should have been him. He promised to protect her...from the day he met her that was what he had to do and now he’s failed. He’s failed her so completely and it feels like a gaping hole in his fucking heart.

“When will she wake up?” Ben asks, looking at them. 

“Soon...we think. Kalonia is the best surgeon here. She was well taken care of and we oversaw everything. Her chances are good. _Really._ We’re hopeful,” Jyn says but it sounds like she’s trying to convince herself just as much as him.

“How long?”

“Ben–”

“How long?!” Ben sobs louder.

“We don’t know, Ben,” Cassian says.

Ben knows that. Deep in a different part of his brain, he knows that they couldn’t really give him an answer. But at that moment he hates them for not telling him when his wife will wake up and come back to him. He needs her. The kids need her. They need answers.

But the guilt instantly chews at him as he knows if it weren’t for them, Rey might not be here at all. 

“For all we know it could just be a few days,” Cassian says next, patting his back. “Rey is tough. She’s a fighter. She’s got a strong line to hold onto...to try to come back to.”

Ben nods, almost frantically as he clings to Rey’s hand, reaching up to brush the hair out of her face and tuck it behind her ear. 

“She’s so pale…” Ben cries. She looks paler than he does now. That golden glow from her skin is gone.

“She lost a lot of blood. She nearly…” Jyn stops herself but it doesn’t stop Ben from imagining all the things she might say and he sobs again. “She’ll hold on. She’s stubborn, just like you. She’s hanging on.”

“What do I tell them?” Ben croaks next, thinking of the kids. Their three little horrified faces. They needed him to be strong for them. But never has Ben felt like he’s unraveling as much as he is now. 

“Like we said, Rey is a fighter. You know that better than any of us,” Jyn tells him. “If anyone could beat this, it’s her. She knows she has unfinished business. She’ll be coming back.”

“But what if–”

“Don’t,” Cassian stops him. “Don’t worry about that right now. Right now, just focus on her being here and alive. Everything else we’ll take one day at a time. That’s what you’ll tell them.”

Ben nods. That would have to work. It’s the best he could offer them. Even if it’s not enough and he wishes he could promise the world to his children, he can’t.

“Who the fuck would do this?” Ben sobs, his fingers tracing over Rey’s wrist. Her daisy bracelet wasn’t on. They probably had to take it off but it’s foreign to see Rey without it. She seldom ever took it off. For thirteen years she wore it every day. “This isn’t fair,” he says, realizing instantly how much he sounds like Lydia from just a few minutes ago. 

“That’s what we were talking about,” Cassian says, looking to Jyn. “We were wondering if someone tailed you from the city today. Maybe someone recognized you two?”

Ben tries to think. “We saw Dameron at the art gallery but he wouldn’t...this wasn’t him. He wouldn’t.”

“Then who? Just some assholes who were in the neighborhood?”

Ben shakes his head, thinking back to the little information he has, his chest aching as he knows Theo was subjected to all of that.

“I don’t know...but from what I can tell, they just took the Falcon. Maybe that’s what they came for. Someone could have tailed us just because they saw us in it.”

His brain feels like it’s fried and he can’t think anymore. He just wants whoever is responsible to experience a slow and agonizing end and for his wife to open her eyes. And for his babies to stop crying. 

_His babies._ He left them alone in that room. Instantly he stands up, torn to not leave Rey's side but knowing if she were awake, she would insist he go be with them. She never wanted them to feel alone and he left them.

“I’ve...I’ve got to go back to them. I shouldn’t have left them alone. Rey wouldn’t want them alone,” Ben stands, starting to panic. “They’ll never be the same…”

“They have you...you need to be there for them just as they’ll be there for you. None of you are alone in this.”

“Thank you...truly,” he tells them as sincerely as he can before he looks back at Rey, trying to comb through her hair with his fingers. “I don’t want anyone but us, the kids, and her assigned nurses and doctors in here. I’m not taking any more chances.”

“We figured. We got it handled,” they nod and Ben nods back. The most he could offer as he leans over, kissing Rey’s forehead. Jyn and Cassian step out to give him a minute with her alone.

"I'm so sorry...it should have been me," he croaks out. "Please wake up soon. We love you so much and..." Ben feels his own sobs ready to burst through again as he admits his fears out loud. "I don't think I can do this without you."

 _You can,_ he imagines her saying. _You're so much stronger than you think you are._ That's what she would say. What she always says. 

Ben sniffles, trying to keep his eyes clear of tears so he can see her better. She's right here. Right beside him. But he still misses her so much. He needs her more than ever but her eyes remain closed. 

“Come back to us, sweetheart.”

* * *

Eldridge Hux could admit that it wasn’t exactly his smoothest job as it got messy towards the end there but all that mattered was that now the car was his...and damn, did it ride like a dream. It was all worth it.

Original, beautifully restored 1977 Falcon. _All his._

There was a kid’s car seat in the back and an old CD of the Tarzan soundtrack stuck in the player which went out the window immediately.

But it handled great and went faster than all hell so Eldridge could easily overlook those few discrepancies.

There were still a few things to sort out so they sped to Hondo’s shop, just so he could officially make the car his.

Even his dad would be so fucking jealous. 

“Aww, look, Ridge. Someone drew you this cute little purple dog,” Gregori teases, revealing some god awful crayon creation that was stashed next to the car seat before he crumples it up and tosses it. 

Why people had kids was beyond him. Why his parents had him was obvious, so at least they didn’t pretend that they were into all that mushy shit. If he came home with a drawing like that to his dad. Eldridge only wouldn't have gotten insulted. And if he’s behind honest, if he was ever cursed with children and they brought home something like that he would do the same. 

Viktor cranks up the radio even more as they skid around the corners and they all scream in excitement at how the car rides. It really was a crime that some washed up suburban assholes were holding it hostage. Just because they didn’t want to drive a minivan didn’t give them the right to resort such a vehicle to such a mundane existence. 

But then they pull up to Ohnaka’s, so Eldridge turns the music down, sticking his head out the window to the camera but flashing the bird for good measure. He hates when they make him wait. 

The garage doors open. It’s early. It took them a few hours to get from Chandrila back to the fringes of the city but Hondo was always open. Someone was always working here.

Eldridge steps out, feeling giddy with his new car. All the mechanics are frozen still, their faces blank and eyes wide as they see the vintage Falcon he drove in. 

Eldridge exudes with pride, thinking they must be jealous. 

“Where’s Hondo?” He asks one of them but nobody answers. “Hello? Anybody home?” Eldridge chuckles. 

“Where did you get this car?” A voice calls out and Eldridge looks over to see Hondo striding over with his hands on his hips. 

Eldridge just smirks. “Craigslist,” he jokes. “Looks like a dream, huh?”

“Front end damage,” one of the mechanics points out. Eldridge forgets he had to ram through that gate and it scuffed things up a bit. But that was nothing to these guys, they could handle it.

“I’m gonna ask you again, where did you get this car?” Hondo snaps. 

Eldridge rolls his eyes. “Please, don’t act so holy. Your whole show here is illegal as shit.”

“I run my business as I see fit, but I know where to draw the line. You don’t get to just come here with whatever you think applies to what I do.”

“Fuck it. I just want this taken care of,” Eldridge gestures to the car. “It’s mine now!”

“The people that owned it, what’d you do? Did you kill them?”

Eldridge shrugs. “It’s nothing. Some soccer mom got in the way but she’s probably fine. No big deal.”

Hondo covers his mouth. He almost looks sick. “What the fuck did you do?”

Eldridge furrows his brow, looking at him confused. What was the problem? 

“I want new plates, new tags, and new papers,” Eldridge says firmly. He’s getting impatient. 

“No...get it out of here. I don’t want this shit here,” Hondo says as he turns away entirely, turning his back to them. 

A sign of severe disrespect that, as a Hux, Eldridge shouldn’t have to tolerate.

“Did you just lose your shit, Ohnaka? Because...we own you,” Eldridge reminds him.

Hondo freezes where he stands before he slowly turns back around to face him with a small smirk on his lips. “What did you just say?”

_“We own you.”_

“You don’t own me, kid. I work with your father.”

Eldridge snorts. If that’s what makes this man feel better he could think that...but nowadays, they owned everybody. 

Hondo doesn’t even seem to worry about it though, mentioning once again the fucking family. “This woman...the mom. Did you kill her? Did you hurt the kids or what?”

“No,” Eldridge rolls his eyes. He’s fucking tired of bringing it up. Shit happens. People get hurt. Hondo didn’t need to pretend this was new. 

“Some kid was there and was having a seizure or an asthma episode or something but whatever. I’m sure he’s fine too. And if his mom is dead, then I’m sure that will sound great in his college application essay when he’s older. Gives him some substance.”

Elridge chuckles, hoping it would just shut the man up at this point.

Hondo starts laughing too and he thinks the man finally gets it. Eldridge turns around to Gregori and Viktor, thinking he’s effectively shown them how to take hold of a situation but when he turns back around, Hondo punches him across the face.

“Fuck,” Eldridge swears as he tumbles to the ground. What the fuck was Hondo’s problem?

Gregori aims a gun at Hondo’s head. 

“Oh, you think you’re so badass, huh? Takes a lot of guts to attack a mom and a kid in her home. Well, why don’t you try that shit around here?” Hondo yells, grabbing the barrel of the gun and bringing it to his forehead, calling Gregori’s bluff. “Why don’t you shoot me and see what that gets you?”

Viktor moves Gregori’s hand, lowering the gun away from Hondo’s head. But he steps closer to whisper to Hondo. 

“Boss is not going to like this,” Viktor tells him.

“What do you know what Hux likes or doesn’t like? I’ll tell you what, Hux is going to side with me on this one. You don’t even know how much you three fucked up.”

Eldridge snaps up from the ground, his nose bloody. “You’ve got a fuckin’ pair on you, old man!” he shouts, trying to ignore the looks from all the mechanics. “Guess we’ll be taking our business someplace else!”

Hondo answers, his back turned again as he looks down into the engine of another car. “I guess you will.”

* * *

Ben sits in the armchair, his eyes steady on the kids as they finally got some rest. 

All three of them were bundled on the big hospital bed. Theo and Mae on the pillow and Lydia curled up at the end of the bed. 

He always thinks they look so much tinier when they sleep. Their true baby faces come through. Mae still has a fullness to her face that convinced him she still was a baby. As much as he loved to watch them grow up he wanted them to stay small. 

But now he feels like their childhood has come to an abrupt halt as tragedy has struck so deeply. 

They were so tired but he told them they would see Rey in the morning. He tries to explain that she was alright, but she’s going to just be resting for a little while. 

“ _Mommy has to sleep for a while,_ ” Ben signed for Mae. 

He couldn’t say the word coma. But Lydia and Theo are too smart and they connected the dots and had burst into tears which made Mae do the same, even though she still couldn’t hear but she was just going off all their reactions. 

“We can visit her in the morning, but I want us to all just lay down and relax for a little while,” Ben had told them. They were stubborn but exhaustion won out and Mae eventually fell asleep on his shoulder and he tucked her into the bed. Theo was next, but Ben kept a hold of his hand until he fell asleep. 

Lydia outright refused, she was so devastated. Ben just ran a hand past her back and through her hair until she finally closed her eyes and fell asleep, the tear tracks still evident on her face. 

Ben stifled a sob as he looked at them all now. Especially as he thinks of Rey, in another room hooked up to life support. 

He has already called Lando. That was another breaking point, when he had to relay it all to him as well as he could with the hospital staff running past him. 

Lando sounded so devastated and insisted he would be on his way. But Ben urged him to wait until morning. His eyes haven’t been as well driving at night and he would prefer if the older man waited. That pissed him off but it seemed to work as he promised he would be there as soon as he could in the morning. 

So it was around 5:30 that Lando texted him that he was on his way. Ben figured that was the most he could hope for and that the sun would be up soon enough.

Ben has gotten little info from the crime scene unit at his house. They say that there wasn’t much to go on. That whoever did this, they were skilled in their strategy because there are no fingerprints and the cameras didn’t get anything too exact. They were wearing masks.

Ben hates that they called them _skilled._ Especially because Theo said they spent half the time arguing with each other and just breaking as much as they could. Obviously, they were idiots. 

Ben already knows the cops won’t be able to do anything. As far as they are concerned, they were just another family victim to a home invasion. One among thousands in the state. 

Which means Ben will have to review the footage himself when he gets home. He didn’t tell the police about the safe room he and Rey built themselves upstairs since it was technically illegal and not to code but it’s where all the main security monitors were. But Ben isn’t sure he can watch it happen himself and not get sick. 

But he was going to find who did this. He already knows he has to. He’s not sure he could sleep until he knows they’ve fucking paid the price. 

However, as he looks back to the bed and the three kids that now need him more than ever, his heart pulls him further away from thinking that. 

As much as a part of him has this call, _the instinct_ , to hunt down the people that attacked his family, the call to his family always feels stronger. Because he won’t let them get hurt any more than they have. They need him here. 

Maybe...maybe he could get Poe to investigate for him. He would pay the man anything if he could just get him the names and he could find a way to make quick work of all this. 

His phone vibrates again and Ben assumes it’s Lando because he didn’t respond to his text yet but as he looks to the screen he sees a different area code entirely. 

He stiffens. If his memory serves him right (which it probably wasn’t) it was Hondo’s number. 

Ben wipes his eyes as he jumps to his feet, taking another glance at the kids as he tries to quietly shut the door behind him so they don’t wake up. 

He takes a deep breath as he finally answers the phone out in the hallway. 

“Hello,” he croaks out. 

“Kylo?”

It is Hondo. He sounds quieter than Ben has ever heard from him. Which means he already knows. 

Which means he’s seen the Falcon. 

“Is it there?”

“No…but it was.”

Ben feels like he could faint. 

“Is she okay?” Hondo starts. “They...they said–”

“Who Hondo? Tell me,” he practically growls into the phone and one of the nurses looks to him curiously from across the hall so he tucks himself closer against the wall. “Who did this?”

Hondo doesn’t say anything for a long moment and Ben could fucking scream. 

But then it comes and it’s just about the worst fucking luck he ever could have gotten. 

“It was Eldridge Hux.”

_Eldridge Hux._

_Armitage Hux’s son._

_Fuck. Fucking fuck._

Ben can’t even speak but Hondo continues. 

“Him and two of his buddies. They brought it in, bragging. I...I’m so sorry, Kylo. Is she...they said–”

“She’s in a coma,” Ben chokes out. Those words sound so wrong to say out loud. Like they actually leave a bad taste in his mouth. 

“Fuck...I’m so...Mr. Ren, I can’t imagine-“

“Do you know where they took it? The Falcon?”

“I don’t. I’m expecting a phone call from his father. I punched him across the face and told him to get the fuck out.”

Ben might have laughed at that at any other time. But right now all he feels is pure fucking rage as he suddenly knows that the man that shot his wife was the son of one of the biggest assholes that Ben has ever met. A man that has found himself in high power in New York after he and Rey fled that life. 

“Thank you, Hondo.”

“You call me. Anything you need. A ride or anything, you call me.”

Ben can’t think that far ahead. All he can comprehend is that Armitage Hux’s son is responsible for this.

“Goodbye, Hondo,” he says, his voice distant, almost automatic as he tries not to start crying again.

“Take care, Ren.”

Ben hangs up but he stays standing there, trying to resist the urge to fucking scream. His jaw is clenched so tight and he wonders if his teeth could buckle from the pressure of it but it’s the only thing that’s keeping him from screaming in fucking agony. 

He wants to get in a car, any car, and peel out of here to track the fucker down and make him pay for this. Ben wants to kill him with his bare fucking hands and the intensity of it is frightening. Because he hasn’t killed anyone in years. And even when it was his job, that’s usually all it was. His desire to kill people was surprisingly minimal. It was usually just a means to an end for a job. 

Save for several occasions.

Such as that time in Japan when Savage nearly killed Rey. Or when they were ambushed by Crimson Dawn shortly after and he was certain someone had killed her. Or when that one guard in Casablanca tried to feel Rey up when he pat her down and Ben made certain he was the first to go.

Or of course...Snoke.

Actually, all instances where his instinct and drive to kill someone is so consuming is mainly when it concerns Rey. And now is no different. Only it wasn’t just Rey. It was his family too. Theo could have been killed. He might have if Rey hadn’t done what she did. As painful as it was to see her lying on that hospital bed, Ben understands her sacrifice. Ben would die for his children.

And as literal as it may be, he would kill for them too.

That thought fuels him to the point where his fists curl again and his will to track the younger Hux down and beat the living shit out of him and leave him for dead was so powerful, he nearly gives in just then. And he should. Because when Hux, _Armitage Hux,_ finds out just what his son has done and who he has done it to, the redhead was going to get real nervous and there was no telling what he’d do then.

But then he feels arms wrap around his middle and he looks down to see Lydia was hugging him again. 

“I thought you were gone,” she cries against him. “I woke up and you weren’t there.”

Ben’s heart sinks and his fists uncurl as he holds her tightly. 

“I’m right here,” he assures her. “I just had a...a phone call.”

Lydia shudders as she tries to suppress her sobs. 

She was so scared. All of them were. And Ben knows the last thing they need is their father getting in a car with nothing but the intent for murder in his eyes. 

Just because he knows who is responsible doesn’t mean he can just bail the kids at a time like this. They needed him. 

And if Rey were awake, if she were here with him now, she would prefer him to stay with them. To protect them and to hold them and cry with them and assure them that everything would be okay. 

It seems like the hardest decision to make. He knows who has hurt Rey...but he can’t do much. Because suppose he chased after Eldridge and got _himself_ killed? Where would that leave his family then?

No...he would have to let his desire to hunt ebb from him because right now, _this_ needs to be his main priority. Ben leans over to hug her even closer, trying to let her know he was there with her. 

“I’m not going to leave you. Not ever,” he tells her. They need him and he needs to give everything he has to truly being there for them.

Still, the name of Eldridge Hux echoes in his mind. As easy as it should seem, to devote everything to his children who rely on him, Ben can’t help but still want him dead and he fears that due to things beyond his control, he may have just lied to her.

Because no matter what...he was responsible for this and Ben will never forget it. And he’ll be damned if Eldridge Hux gets to carry on with his life, driving _their_ car and thinking he can get away with shooting Rey and nearly killing Theodore. 

So the dilemma settles heavily within Ben’s chest and he finds his teeth gritting again. 

How does he properly protect his family? How does he be there for them while also bringing them to justice?

He doesn’t know...so he starts to cry again instead and Lydia holds him tighter as the two of them stand in the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	18. Positive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> flashback babes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one got a bit long and I still can't write action for shit but i try lol
> 
> ENJOY:)

Ben was more rattled than he ever recalls being after they fled Japan. They had to leave in such a rush that unfortunately their bikes got left behind. But they were in one piece so that was all he could have hoped for. 

It had been way too close. He could have lost her then and he was still shaking slightly every time he recalled the frantic moments he was rushing down the stairs with his gun, hoping more than anything that Rey was okay.

And although they got away, he’s still worried about her. She must have been so shaken from it all that it made her get sick the moment she realized it was all over. 

They were back in New York. Ben knew he had to rush back after what happened because now that Savage was dead, Maul wasn’t going to tolerate it. And Ben knew there some sort of storm coming for them. It made him a jittery mess the entire journey back here as he was certain Crimson Dawn was not only aware of Savage’s death, but also that it was the Dyad that was responsible...even though technically it was all in self-defense. But terms like that hardly mattered to the people of their world. 

Dead was dead. Be it accidental, self-defense, or cold-blooded murder. 

Ben shifted uncomfortably on the stiff seating just outside Snoke’s office as he waited to be called in once again. His foot bounces nervously as he keeps checking his watch. He was anxious to get back to Rey. He told her to be vigilant and to be wary as he had to discuss this with Snoke even though to split up at a time like this felt wrong. But hopefully, Snoke’s awareness of the situation might help give some insight as to how to proceed. Crimson Dawn was dwindling, thanks to them. But that doesn’t mean Ben was ready to welcome some sort of final shoot out. He didn’t like all this uncertainty. 

And he didn’t like how in the few days that he and Rey managed to find a certain peace and calmness he’s seldom ever felt, it was not only jeopardized by those three assholes but it was nearly exploitive. 

He kicks himself now, realizing they were being watched and followed and he didn’t even take notice. That was scary. Because apparently, he gets so lost in their time together that he lets his ground rules slide and that was...that just wasn’t like him.

But now he couldn’t stop looking over his shoulder. And the longer this takes, sitting on this miserable couch, Ben is convinced he shouldn’t have left Rey alone. 

Rey can handle herself, he knows. But he doesn’t know what’s coming and it’s terrifying. He left her in the small café he usually meets her in when he’s finished talking to Snoke. It was hard to walk away from her then. They’re trying not to be as intimate in public after realizing they were being watched last time, so he just squeezed her hands and promised he wouldn’t be gone long. 

She just nodded. She looked so tired.

 _“Please stay safe…I’ll just be a few minutes,”_ he had whispered quietly. _“I love you.”_

It’s that moment that stays frozen in his mind. Because when he said those words she looked like she could have burst into tears and he wanted so badly to pull her into his arms but he didn’t. Instead, he just left her there. 

_Fuck,_ why did he do that? 

If anything he should have taken her to Maz’s Castle, at least that would put his mind at some sort of ease but no. She’s just sitting out in the open.

Maybe he should go check on her. Or at least call her to make sure. It’s been hardly ten minutes since he last saw her but he feels so off. And Rey, well, she seemed off too. Understandably so, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t worried about her. 

He’s always worried about her. Especially after that frightening morning in Japan.

Maybe that’s just part of loving someone. Constantly being terrified for them. But Ben also knows that normal people aren’t worried about major assassins coming after them after they killed the brother of the man who led the whole organization. 

So his worries were justified. So much so that he actually stands up and starts to move for the elevator, so he could get back to Rey, but then he hears them call him in. 

“He’ll see you now, Mr. Ren,” one of the guards says as they stick their head out the double ornate doors. 

Ben refrains from sighing as he just nods, turning back for the office and bracing himself for what awaits inside. 

He walks in to see Snoke sitting behind his desk as always. Sometimes Ben wonders if he ever even leaves this room. Or at least this building. This building was part of this new empire he was hoping to build and he sent everyone else out to do his bidding. Why would he ever need to leave?

That would explain the sickly look he has to him. The almost corpse-like appearance to his skin. 

“I do hope you’re feeling better,” Snoke says, not looking at him as he enters. Instead, his eyes are set on the newspaper in his hands. “Mitaka expressed that you and your partner were incapable of working for several days,” Snoke says with a dry expression. Ben gulps, knowing that to Snoke it was obvious. 

“Well, we…” Ben starts, his hands feeling clammy. “Thank you for asking but I’m...There’s been some complications.”

“What kind of complications? You’re not dying are you?” Snoke asks, sounding bored. 

“No, well, nothing with my health but...but with Crimson Dawn, we seem to have a problem.”

This always happens. He feels like a kid in the principal’s office when he stands here and finds himself stammering.

“And what would that be, Mr. Ren?”

Ben takes a deep breath, feeling the weight of not just Snoke’s gaze but his guards as well. The Praetorians. “While we were in Japan, we were attacked by Savage Oppress and two Crimson Dawn affiliates.”

“What?”

“They broke in and–”

“So they’re dead? Savage is dead?”

“Yes, sir.”

Snoke cackles. “Well, it sounds like we’re that much closer to snuffing out Crimson Dawn all together. Surely Maul knows by now. Oh, how he must be fuming.”

Ben should have expected that response. “Sir, I admit that although it’s something of a triumph, now what remains of Crimson Dawn will be coming after me and...and Kira.”

 _Fuck,_ he nearly said _Rey_ again. 

“So? That’s your job. They come after you, you take precautions,” Snoke shrugs. 

“Kira was almost killed. They handcuffed me to a toilet! We nearly died!” Ben says, his wrists stinging at the memory. There was a first aid at the airport that Rey dragged him to before their plane took off. The looks from the medic were suspicious but they ducked out before they had to give any personal information.

“That’s the risk you take in this job. You've never complained about it before. But you both prevailed. I don’t see what you’re complaining about.”

Ben grits his teeth. “His brother is dead. They’re going to hunt us down. I wasn’t sure we’d even make it back to the States in one piece.”

“You’ve always been able to triumph in the face of danger. Almost always you’re against the odds, what’s the big problem with it now?”

He thought Rey could have been killed. The stakes of his job have never felt higher and he hates it. 

But he can’t express that. He will not let Snoke see just how much she means to him. He made that mistake before and his father had to pay for it. Ben’s conscience had to pay for it. He will do whatever it takes to ensure Rey doesn’t have to.

But his silence is not amusing to Snoke and he takes a heavy sigh. 

“I’ve had to watch a lot pass me by in my years here. Believe it or not, I did just fine before you came along. Or little what’s her face you’ve been working with,” Snoke says, tossing the paper on his desk and leaning back in his chair, studying him. “But I must express, you two do manage to do a lot for this company. A hell of a lot more than your colleagues. As predictable as you seem to me, apparently you hold a lot of surprises out there in the field. As does our new favorite...little Kira.”

Ben doesn’t like his tone. Nor does he like the unsettling smile on his face at the mention of Rey. 

“So I trust that you two are up to such a challenge. Because if you’re not, it could be your last.”

_That’s it? That’s all this fucker has to say?_

Why is Ben surprised? He should have expected it. He shouldn't even have bothered.

He had hoped the man would see reason. Maybe call a conference. Negotiations.

In a way, Ben hoped that deep down, he would mean more to Snoke than this. After his years of relentless service, he still might have hoped that he could be enough. But with Snoke, it was never enough. He was just another means to an end. Maybe he's proved his loyalty but that doesn't earn him anything. Or Rey for that matter. 

The only reason Crimson Dawn hates _Kylo Ren_ so much is because of Snoke. He’s the one that was snatching up all the contracts for their operative heads. Ben was just following orders. And now, Snoke is going to let them come at him and Rey with everything they’ve got. And Snoke will find peace with whatever the outcome might be. 

“You know...if Kira proves useful and survives this whole ordeal, I’d love to get her contract finalized at the soonest convenience.”

Ben grits his teeth. He knows what that means. He’s talking about getting her tattoos done. Tattoos just like his own that are forever marked into his back and his arms. 

He’s not going to allow that. 

In Snoke's mind, the biggest reward of surviving this situation would entail Rey getting her First Order tattoos. Like they should be grateful for that. As if that's Rey's dream. Or his. Like they should be so lucky that they get to live in fear of getting murdered. 

But he tries to center himself. One thing at a time. First Maul then whatever comes next. 

“Of course, sir,” Ben says but it leaves a bad taste in his mouth. “We’ll do what we can.”

“You’ll defeat them,” Snoke says sternly. “If you don’t, I suppose it’s been a pleasure working with you.”

Fucking asshole. 

“Indeed, sir,” Ben says with a shit-eating grin. 

And with that, he spins around, in desperate need of going to find Rey. 

They were on their own. 

* * *

Rey only lasted a grand total of two minutes in the café that Ben left her at. 

She couldn’t handle the smell of it. Which was odd because they’ve come to that café several times now and it’s never bothered her before. She loved their coffee and food and it was quiet and calm and she could have spent hours there. 

But this morning, her feet couldn’t move fast enough and when she made it back outside it was like coming up for air after being underwater. 

_That_ _feeling_ was back. That feeling she had in the alley when her stomach was roiling and Rey staggers for a trashcan outside just in case it happened again. 

She closes her eyes, taking long and steady breaths as she tries to will the feeling away. She had gotten away with it that morning when she woke up. Ben had still been asleep but she woke up with a start, rushing to the bathroom. She hovered over the toilet for ten minutes, wishing that if she felt this nauseous she would just get it over with but strangely enough it had passed. 

Rey curls her fingernails into her palms and shuts her eyes tight. Something was wrong with her.

Thankfully, after she doesn’t even know how long, she opens her eyes again, feeling like she could breathe and that her stomach seemed to have eased down. 

She should have known better than to agree to go to the café after she knows the smell of coffee has been bothering her but Ben was already so worried that if she wanted to wait someplace else, she knows that would have made him even more nervous. At least it seems to have passed for now but Rey knows it will likely happen again. 

She’s starting to suspect this went beyond just her lingering shock from nearly getting killed in an alley. Perhaps she caught a bug after all, even after she had already been using that excuse so that she and Ben could get some time off but maybe this was some sort of karmic punishment for lying to Mitaka about their health.

Rey takes a steady stroll, tucking her jacket further around herself as she continues to takes deep breaths, hoping the pattern would keep any returning sickness at bay. 

She can’t go far. She was supposed to meet Ben around here and if he didn’t see her, she wouldn’t put it past him to start interrogating people on the street. So she keeps the café in sight, just so she can catch him when he comes back. But then she passes by a small pharmacy and she reminds herself once more that she’s in the real world. 

It’s not like she’s in Dathomir and you get a stomach ache and Talzin would tell you to deal with it just to make you strong. 

So she steps inside, regarding the place curiously as she tries to read all the signs and find the right aisle to be in. She wanders for a few minutes, trying to figure out if she should gather her courage and ask the pharmacist or spend time reading labels and figure out what’s best. 

No, asking would be quicker. 

She makes her way to the back where she can see an older man in a white lab coat, clacking the keyboard behind a tall counter. But before she gets there another woman, noticeably pregnant appears, heading for the counter as well. 

“Oh, sorry,” the woman says. “You were here first.”

“No, it’s alright, go ahead,” Rey tells her, stepping aside so she could go first. She gives her a smile, hoping that she might appear more kind than nauseous. And she must because the woman smiles back.

“Thank you. I’ll just be a moment. It’s just a pick-up,” the woman answers but Rey can see how her eyes linger on her cheekbone. It had bruised pretty bad after Savage hit her and she thinks her attempt to hide it with makeup made it more obvious. But the other woman still smiles, pretending she didn’t notice as she steps up to the counter.

The whole encounter makes Rey feel like for a moment she could have been a normal person. Like she was just some nice young girl coming to the pharmacy for a pick up too instead of actually being an assassin with a gun in her jacket and several knives hidden on her body. 

Rey hangs back as the sign says, for privacy’s sake. But the pharmacist looks a bit older so when the woman walks up, Rey realizes their conversation is at a higher volume than expected. 

“Hello, Mr. Bamford.”

“Oh,” the older man smiles, fixing his glasses to get a better look at the woman. “Mrs. Higgins, lovely to see you. How are you coming along?”

Rey circles around some of the displays, trying to kill time and pretend she isn’t eavesdropping but she is. And strangely enough, it helps distract her from how she feels. 

“Oh, I’m just fine. I’m just here to pick up my prenatal vitamins.”

“Oh, I’ve got it ready for you right here. Your doctor sent the refill and I figured you’d stop by on your way home.”

“How thoughtful, thank you,” the woman says as the pharmacist passes her the bag. 

Rey wonders if this is how normal people get to talk. She wonders if she'd ever live in one place long enough to feel like a regular at a place as mundane as a pharmacy. She doesn't know why it sounds so appearing, but it does. And it seems like her daily struggles in such a world would be much less...well, deadly.

“How’s the little one treating you?” the pharmacist asks. 

The woman sets a hand on her swollen middle. “He’s good these days. Growing just as he should. I feel like a whale most of the time but I’ll take that over the morning sickness any day. Thankfully, it’s finally passed,” she laughs. 

Rey freezes behind the sunglasses display. 

_Morning sickness?_

“My wife was the same way with all our kids. The nausea can be brutal and must really make it seem like the baby thinks they’re in charge,” the pharmacist laughs. 

“That’s what my husband says,” the pregnant woman laughs.

Rey feels like she’s in a haze. An odd dream. But she’s very much awake. And she’s very much here, and finding herself suddenly swaying on her feet as she considers what she’s just heard. 

_A baby._ That woman was going to have a baby...and she seems so happy and excited, even though she’s talking about how her pregnancy led her to be sick at the start of it. And now that Rey thinks about it, she knows that’s fairly common for pregnant women. She knows that is a body’s way of saying that something has changed. That along with a number of other things. 

But Rey doesn’t really want to acknowledge them. Because in an instant, she’s starting to realize how many of these issues might apply to her. And why, when she wanders down another aisle, she finds herself staring at a box of tampons. She bought some a while ago now. She can’t remember when but they remained unopened in her suitcase now that she thinks about it. 

She’s never been regular. She grew up in Dathomir. The physical and emotional stress you’re put through at that school meant that hardly anyone had a reliable cycle. She, Rose, and Paige would complain about it all the time.

But Rey’s never really had cause for alarm before. Not like she does now. 

Because it could be possible, couldn’t it? That maybe she and that woman at the counter weren’t that different. At least when it came to why they’re here. 

Rey feels dizzy suddenly. Like she’s been slapped in the face and spun around but she’s standing still, stuck in the middle of an aisle in a pharmacy. And the boxes of tampons seem to be staring at her just as much as the boxes of pregnancy tests on the other side.

It would make sense. It _should_ make sense. In fact, it’s so fucking obvious that Rey is embarrassed it took her this long to even consider it. 

When she finally finds the strength to step forward though, she finds herself speeding back outside. Although she could find her answers if she bought a test or maybe even asked the pharmacist, she would much prefer to run out of here and pretend she didn’t hear any of this. That seems easier, even though as she steps outside, the thoughts are still there and she feels like now they’ll never fade. 

She tries to breathe in the fresh air, hoping that would help clear her thoughts and make her recall some reason why it would be impossible. But it’s not. 

Because at this point, it would be more impossible to _not_ be pregnant.

Rey starts walking, not knowing where she was going, just hoping the stroll would help her relax in some way. Maybe it would make her head stop spinning. Maybe it would help her forget she even heard that conversation inside the pharmacy. 

But then her phone vibrates in her pocket and she looks to see it’s Ben. 

“Hello?” she answers, trying to keep her voice steady.

“Rey,” he breathes and instantly she can tell his meeting with Snoke didn’t go well. He sounds nervous. “Are you still in the café?”

“N–” Rey looks up, trying to figure out how far she went and where she is. “No, I had to leave.”

“Was there someone there?” he asks, sounding panicked. 

“No, I just...I just needed some air. I walked ahead a bit. Strolled by the pharmacy.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing. Where are you?” she tries to change the subject.

“I’m just leaving now. I’m going to come to you so stay where you are. I want us to go to the Maz’s until we get a better handle on this. Is there anything you need from the apartment?”

Rey tries to think but honestly, her mind is so scattered. Even now her thoughts are focused on that word that keeps repeating in her head. Over and over. Almost mocking her. 

_Pregnant._

“Rey?”

“No,” she shakes her head, realizing she hadn’t answered. “No, I’m fine. I don’t need anything urgently.”

“Alright,” he says but he doesn’t sound convinced. “I’m coming so just stay there and we can talk at the hotel, okay?”

“Yeah,” she says but her throat is already seizing on her and it probably sounds obvious that she’s about to cry. 

“Sweetheart?”

“I’ll see you in a minute,” she says, forging through. “Really, I’m fine.”

“Okay...yeah, I'll see you in a minute,” he says before she hangs up and she instantly stifled a sob and sniffles, wiping her eyes. 

She’s so scared. She doesn’t know what to do or what to say. 

She tries to comprehend it. Really comprehend it. Like envisioning herself as a mom. Ben as a dad. It’s lightyears away from their current circumstances.

And even if it wasn’t...Rey doubts this is something Ben would want. She knows the trauma he carries after what happened with his father. That probably influences his thoughts on becoming one.

Why is she even thinking about this? She needed a direct answer first. And she needed to breathe. She had to get a hold of herself. _Panicking never did any goo–_

“You alright, ma’am?”

Rey spins around to see a man. He’s standing a little too closely and although his voice expressed concern, his face is far from it. He’s got a black jacket with his hands stuffed in the pockets and his face is pale, accentuating the bags under his eyes. As well as the tattoos on his neck.

Rey ignores him, spinning back around to go the other way. 

But then there’s another man, wearing similar clothes and there are similar scatterings of tattoos on the skin she can see. His hands also in his pockets and Rey suddenly understands. 

Suddenly another word floats through her mind.

 _Ambush_.

“Looks like you got hit. Real shiner you got there,” the first man says, nodding to her face. “How’d that happen?”

Rey scoffs, trying to turn away but they close in on her. Her instinct to reach for her gun is strong. But she’s out in public and she knows any minute the pregnant woman from inside will be leaving. She didn’t want to risk hurting her or really anyone that could have been passing by. But that’s the difference between her and these men. They had no regard for anyone’s safety. Probably not even their own. 

“Maybe it’s that boyfriend of hers. Guy seems like a real prick,” the second man says.

“Yeah,” agrees the first one. “He’s the same guy that killed the boss’ brother. I think he would very much like a word with you. I think you should come with us... _ma’am._ ”

Trying to make them see reason wouldn’t do anything. But in light of her most recent revelation, Rey instinctively tries anyway. 

“Please…” she breathes out as she feels one of them grabs her arm as they inch closer to the alley beside the pharmacy. 

They both chuckle. “I heard you were supposed to be cute...but you’re really something.”

Rey moves slowly into the alley, trying to be as subtle as she can. She takes a deep breath.

_I can do this. I can do this._

Her back settles against the brick wall, her hand reaching for the knife in her jacket.

“He’s coming, isn’t he?” one of them asks.

“Who?” Rey plays dumb.

They shove against her harder. “You fucking know we mean Ren! He’s coming?”

Rey smirks. “Yes.”

He pulls out a gun with a silencer on the end of it. “Well imagine the look on his face when he rounds the corner and finds your body lying here.”

“Guess you didn’t really hear how Japan went, did you?” Rey throws back. “That’s what Savage tried to do and it didn’t end well for him.”

“Fucking try me. Unless you’ve got something to offer,” he chuckles, his eyes wandering further down.

“Well, if that’s what it takes,” Rey says in her most innocent voice before she grabs the knife in her jacket and slashing as hard as she can across his midsection.

“Fuck!”

Rey rolls to the ground, taking cover behind the fallen man while his buddy fires the impending shots into him instead. Rey reaches for the gun at her back and aims to shoot but by then the man had ducked behind the dumpster. 

This other man didn’t have a silencer and Rey can hear how passersby people on the street start to panic. Rey glances around her side of the alley to see the pregnant woman, Mrs. Higgins, passing by with a feared expression and a hand on her stomach.

Instinctively, Rey finds herself getting to her feet and running in the opposite direction if only to lead away from the people. 

She speeds down the alley, ducking slightly when the man behind her fires again but he misses and trips over the body of his friend. Rey rushes to get to the end of the alley to get clear from sight, and she succeeds, feeling like it’s a breath of fresh air as she hurries to find some sense of safety or cover. She reaches for her phone to call Ben while also trying to hide her gun in her jacket as well as she can in an attempt to blend in.

But then she hears the tires skidding behind her and she glances to see the black suburban with tinted windows speeding through traffic. It skids at the end of the alley. The surviving man finally emerges from the end of the alley, shouting to the driver as he gets in, pointing her direction before they speed after her again. 

_Fuck._

* * *

Ben didn’t really know what to make of their conversation on the phone but all he knew was that it left him worried. Rey didn’t sound right. 

He rushes to meet her, but as soon as he passes the café, he hears it. 

Three gunshots. 

“No,” he breathes out, terror seizing him as he rushes down the street. Everyone around him begins to panic as they scream and point towards the pharmacy where the shots had been fired. 

No, not the pharmacy he realizes as he gets closer but the alley beside it. 

He could fucking scream as he turns the corner and sees someone lying dead in the alley. It takes him a moment longer than it should to understand it wasn’t Rey. But one of her knives was lying on the pavement beside him and as Ben looks further down the alley to see a black suburban skidding on the next street over.

He sprints forward to keep up with it, hoping that Rey was certainly not inside of it but then his phone rings and he answers it, seeing it was her.

“Rey, where are you? I heard the shots!”

“I’m heading for the park. I...I don’t know where else to go,” she says, breathing heavily into the phone. “It’s Crimson Dawn.”

“I know! Just keep going and go fast! I see them now, they’re in a car but I’m right behind you,” he promises. “J-Just run!” he stammers, feeling himself panicking. He feels the way he did just the other morning when he was chained to that fucking toilet. 

She was headed for the park, she said. He tries to get a grip as he rushes there as fast as he can. If he can meet her there and they can cut off Crimson Dawn at the pass, they stood a chance.

He rushes through a crosswalk, dodging cars honking at him as he frantically tries to make it for the park.

Crimson Dawn was dwindling. Ben knew that. They’ve eliminated their main supporters and affiliates. Anyone else that had been in their support was too frightened by the First Order to admit their allegiance.

In a way, Ben’s _Kylo Ren_ mind can understand Snoke’s strategy. Because if Maul and his last few cronies in New York were snuffed out, Crimson Dawn will more or less be gone forever. It must be so tempting to a man like that to just think of it in terms of business.

But all Ben could think of was that it was his and Rey’s lives at stake.

Unfortunately, it seemed it was once again more Rey’s life at stake than his own and Ben just wishes that this could stop. He doesn’t care how prepared she is for this. He doesn’t care how much they should come to expect this in their line of work. 

He was not prepared to lose her. 

He loves her too much and he already knew he could never accept a reality where she got hurt and he just had to carry on without her. It should be impractical. He knows it is. Technically, he’s only known her for about three months and it’s improbable that he needs her as much as he does...but he doesn’t care. 

He had worked alone for years. All his life actually, that’s how he’s preferred it. He’s introverted, anti-social, borderline agoraphobic, germaphobic, and impatient with just about everyone. 

But Rey makes him forget all that. He feels himself changing.

But he knows if he lost her, the light she has brought to his life would extinguish and he doesn’t trust himself not to go ballistic. 

So even though he’s running so fast he tastes blood in the back of his throat, everything seems like slow motion as he barges into the park. 

He feels like it might as well be a fucking forest because it seems like no matter what he meets a wrong turn or at least no sign of them. People gasp as they stroll by, seeing him, a wild man in a black suit, sprinting with a gun. Ben just ignores it.

But then he hears shouting and hurried footsteps on another path and he barges through a wall of branches, ignoring the scratches that are shredding away at his face.

Because just as he’s about to break through he hears another shot fire out and as he emerges from the greenery with twigs in his hair and his gun in his hand, he sees the shape of Rey falling backward into the pond, parallel to the man who was aiming a gun at her. He and about four other men who were standing watch in a shoddy perimeter.

Faintly, he registers what he’s seeing as it all seems to still continue in slow motion. 

_She’s been shot._

Ben could rip them apart. He could strangle them with his bare hands. He could scream until he couldn’t fucking breathe. And still, it wouldn’t be enough.

He fires his gun then, instantly killing the man that shot her. He fires more bullets than he should but he can’t hold back as his eyes trail over to the ripples in the water. He wants to dive in after her but he has to take care of these assholes first. 

She could be okay. She has to be okay. She has to.

The remaining men charge for him. Ben fires as quickly as he can but he used more bullets than he should have and although one man falls, he’s out when it comes to the other two and he finds himself ditching the gun and reaching for Rey’s knife he had picked up from the alley. 

They don’t have guns at least. But they were large. Not as big as Savage but comparable to his own size.

They take him on together and he slashes the knife in the air as they exchange blows and continue to make a scene in the middle of the park and Ben can only hope no one is watching. But he already knows their time is short. Someone had to have heard the gunshot and sirens would come soon after. 

He knocks one down to the ground and he groans in pain, but he’s not dead. Ben doesn’t have the time to bother with him though as he finishes what he can with the man left standing. 

But then the knife is kicked from his hand and it clatters to the ground. Ben thinks quickly as he punches him in the gut hard enough for him to double over in pain. Ben takes the open window for what it is and tackles him to the ground, even though it lands them further into the bushes. He delivers blow after blow upon the man’s face, having zero fucking tolerance for anything except his insistence to finish quickly so that he could get Rey out of the water. 

He feels tears burning his eyes at the thought of her. 

She could be dead. They could have killed her. The unknowns are killing him, almost literally. He knows himself better than he thought, he thinks, as he starts to feels that rage and that untethered agony consume him as he faces a possible reality where he’s lost her.

It’s blinding. Deafening.

So much so that he doesn’t even hear the other man behind him get to his feet and approach him as he strings something around his neck, trying to choke him out. 

Ben tries to fight back but he’s pulled back in the dirt, back onto the paved path. He tries to get the upper hand of it all but now the man that he had been punching moments ago was back to his feet as well and was punching him in the stomach, trying to make him suffer. 

But every time Ben tries to squirm or fight back, the wire gets pulled tighter and he can’t even breathe.

_Fuck…_

_It’s bad. How did this happen?_

“Rey,” he rasps out as much as he can but he can’t even hear himself. 

He does hear, however, the muffled gunshot. He doesn’t connect until after he’s gasping for air that the relief of the wire finally loosened from his neck is only because the man had been shot.

Ben wrestles with the wire, pulling it free over his head and trying to breathes again. But then he looks over to see Rey, drenched and dripping on to the ground with one of the fallen guns in her hand. And she's aimed as she fires once more at the final man.

And just like that...it’s all over.

And all that matters is that she’s okay. They’re both okay. But they had to get out of here. That was... _hell,_ it was even closer than Japan and Ben doesn’t think he could handle any more of this stress. 

He coughs a few more times, his hands attempting to soothe his throat as he can finally breathe again but he quickly gets to his feet as he rushes over to where Rey is laid out on the ground. 

It’s her leg, he sees as he comes beside her. She got shot in the leg, in her calf. She’s okay. She would be just fine. He just needed to get her to a doctor to deal with it.

He takes off his belt, quickly helping her to wrap it tightly above the wound. It seemed to be a less than shallow graze but would have been more than responsible to make her lose her balance and fall into the water. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, his voice shaky and hoarse as he yanks off his jacket to drape over her shoulders. She must be freezing. She nods but her eyes are looking over him as she trembles, pulling his jacket around her more.

“Are you…?” she tries to ask but he notices how red her eyes are as they study the marks he likely already has on his neck.

“I’m fine. Still in one piece,” he tries to joke but he can’t smile. He’s still too shocked.

She purses her lips, as tears finally spill from her eyes. “Ben...I–”

The sound of impending sirens cut her off.

They had to go.

“We gotta get to Maz’s,” he says in an instant. He scoops her into his arms. He hugs her tightly to him, urging her to take hold of him just the same as he slides his other hand cautiously beneath her knees, remaining aware of her wound and not to disturb it too much. 

As he gets to his feet with her in his arms, she holds him tighter and tucks her face against his neck.

“We’re good,” he says aloud, ignoring the bodies in their wake as he rushes out of the park and towards Maz’s. Their first intended destination. They would be safe there. 

Well, as safe as people like them could be.

Thankfully, it wasn’t far but he rushes as well as he can, trying to ignore the confused looks of those that took notice of them. 

Ben races up the steps of the Castle, charging into the lobby with Rey still in his arms, dripping blood and water behind them.

“Oh my god,” one woman screams as they come in, ensuring that all the wandering eyes are focused only on them as Ben speeds up to the concierge desk. 

“Rey?” the man says with his eyes wide and Ben realizes this must be her friend, Finn, she’s told him about. He has seen him before here, but he never learned his name.

“We need a room and the doctors on call," Ben croaks out. His throat was killing him.

Finn nods nervously, his eyes focused on Rey’s leg that was dripping blood onto the tile of the lobby. 

“Follow me,” he says under his breath. He gestures to a door behind the counter that Ben has never been through before. He holds it open for them and Ben turns to the side so that he can fit them through.

Finn turns though to address the lobby. “It’s alright everyone. Our on-call physicians will be able to help them just fine. Nasty biking accident it seems but it’s alright.”

To the people in the building that aren’t aware of what Maz’s hotel is really the safe haven for, that seems to calm their nerves well enough as they nod and go about their business. 

Finn closes the door behind him and starts bounding down a narrow hallway, urging them to follow closely.

“I’ll take you to the penthouse. It has the private elevator and I’ll call Dr. Andor and Dr. Erso to join us.”

“Thank you,” Rey rasps out against Ben’s shoulder. 

“Rey, when I asked for you to bring him by, this isn’t what I meant,” Finn says, looking to Rey over his shoulder as he punches in the code for the elevator. 

Rey chuckles but still holds to Ben a little tighter. “Ben, this is Finn. Finn, this is Ben,” she introduces them.

She uses his real name, he notices but he finds he doesn't mind. He was already grateful enough they were alive still, he's not going to worry about it. Besides, Rey obviously trusted Finn and Ben trusted her. 

Ben just nods in an attempted greeting and Finn does the same. They could save a more proper introduction when they both weren’t freaking out over Rey as they all file into the elevator. It feels like a long ride up but finally they load back out and Finn situates them in the room.

But Ben feels like he doesn’t actually take a deep breath until he sees the two familiar doctors enter in behind him as he’s helping Rey get out of her soaking wet clothes and he's quickly passing her his undershirt to cover herself and pulling up the covers to try to give her privacy even though they're the doctors. But in his mind, it seemed instinctive.

Finn let them in but claimed he would have to leave as the front desk was left unattended. But Ben could tell Finn was worried about Rey. Ben was glad that someone else could understand to an extent his panic. But Finn seemed to get a hold of himself as he left. Ben had yet to feel like it was alright to let go of her for a moment.

And even though he initially refused, Dr. Erso chased him out of the bedroom while Cassian dragged him over to the couch, insisting to look at his throat and the lingering effects of his wrists that were still bandaged. 

All Ben could think about is her.

* * *

Rey kept her eyes on the ceiling as Dr. Erso stitched up her leg. 

She was still a little cold and her hair remained damp from the pond that had broken her fall. But save for her underwear, her clothes were removed because she was shivering so much. Ben had taken off his mostly dry undershirt to give to her since they didn’t have any of their other clothes that were back at the apartment.

Ben was told to move out to the living room where he could be looked at by Dr. Andor. Ben wasn’t really cooperating and he insisted he stay with her but Dr. Erso wasn’t really having it either. 

“I need space and silence if I am to tend to her and I can’t have you spooning her and taking up half the bed and getting in my way! Especially when you clearly have wounds that need attention!” the doctor had said when he was still beside her, fretting over her.

Ben’s head sunk as he moved to leave. He had kissed her, looking worried but she just tried to offer him a smile. To assure him it would be okay, brushing hair behind his ear. It was then he seemed to take a deep breath and pull away from her, guided by Dr. Andor.

He’s overly worried because she got shot, but in that regard, Rey knows she’ll be fine. Now, in the safety of the Castle and Dr. Erso’s care, Rey’s mind has officially returned to her revelation from the pharmacy.

“You alright there?” the doctor asks as she finishes wrapping her leg.

“Fine…” Rey says, still looking to the ceiling.

“Never been shot before?”

“No,” Rey answers. “This is a first...but I’m usually a little more focused than I was today,” she admits.

The doctor looks at her curiously as she starts to pack her bag of things. “Something with your...well, I would say ‘partner’ but given what saw when I had to kick him out of here, things are a bit more serious than that, aren’t they?”

Rey gives a small chuckle but she can’t smile as much as she might have. “A bit, yeah...but it’s not so much to do _with_ him...or I guess it does,” Rey shakes her head as she considers it more. “No, it does,” she admits to herself. This had to do with them. Not just her.

“Well, what is it? You’ve got that worried look to you,” Dr. Erso teases, trying to lighten the air with a chuckle.

Rey wishes she could laugh but she knows the time to ignore it all has ended. An actual doctor was here and she could give answers. 

Rey sits up as well as she can, hiding her face in her hands for a moment to breathe, wondering if she even has the strength to speak the words aloud. But she had to. It wouldn’t just go away if she decided not to think about it.

She runs her hands through her hair, hoping the tears in her eyes weren’t overly noticeable as she takes a deep breath.

“I have this crazy idea that I know isn’t that crazy...maybe I just want it to be. But the more I think about it...the more obvious it is and I don’t know why it took me so long in the first place but…but I need to know.”

Dr. Erso’s face falls, her eyes wandering over Rey like she already knows exactly what she’s trying to say. 

“Oh,” she says. “I see...and it would be with _him_?” she asks, nodding her head to the door, meaning to imply Ben. 

Rey nods.

“Well...that’s...that’s not one I hear too often, but first things first let’s get a straight answer and go from there,” she says, digging through her bag. “I’ll have to do a blood test if that’s alright.”

Rey nods, offering her arm. 

“When will you know?” Rey asks, looking everywhere but her. She’ll burst into tears if she thinks too much about it.

“I can run the tests this evening and let you know. It won’t take long. But can I ask just a few questions to get an idea?”

“Yeah. sure,” Rey rasps out.

“How long since your last menstruation?”

Rey shakes her head. “I’ve never been regular. It would come and go. But...if I’m honest it was probably well over a month ago. Maybe seven weeks.”

“And how long have you two been _active_?”

The first time was in Rome. “Since about five weeks ago.”

“Have you been using protection?”

Rey bites her lip as she tries to think what that entails. And even further as she realizes they haven’t been doing anything to prevent this possible outcome. It makes her feel even stupider than before. 

“Um...no,” she answers sheepishly.

If Jyn passes judgment on that, her face doesn’t show it as she just focuses on Rey’s arm.

“Have you been experiencing morning sickness? Like feeling nauseous in the morning or actually throwing up?”

“Yeah. And sometimes just the smell of something, _like coffee,_ makes me want to puke,” Rey shares, thinking back to the café from earlier.

Dr. Erso chews on all of this, giving no indication of why Rey should think otherwise. Because it’s probably obvious to her too. 

“Dr. Erso?” Rey croaks out because she’s scared and she doesn’t know what else to do. 

“Jyn...you can call me Jyn.”

“Jyn,” Rey nods in gratitude. “Do you think...I mean it would make sense, wouldn’t it?”

Jyn is very quiet but she nods. “It’s quite possible...but just let me double check first. One thing at a time. Just try to relax right now. You’ve had a stressful morning.”

Rey nods, but just because she’s been told to relax doesn’t make it so. 

“If I am...do you think, even though it was just my leg that it could have hurt the…” she can’t even say it, but she gestures to her flat abdomen. “You know...would it have hurt th-them?”

Jyn shakes her head. “I wouldn’t worry about it. You landed in the water and you didn’t lose that much blood. Plus you’re surprisingly put together for a young woman who's been chased by thugs and shot in the park.”

“If I’m honest, I think I’m more worried about _this_...that’s what I mean earlier. I feel distracted.”

Jyn packs everything away in her bag. Rey can tell she’s trying to ask her something but she’s trying to find a way to ask it. Rey can only imagine what she’s going to say.

And then it comes.

“If you _are pregnant,_ have you thought about what you’ll do?”

Rey wants to cry. Firstly, to hear the word aloud finally. But she’s not sure she has thought about that. Maybe her mind won’t let her, because if she actually considers it, there are very few outcomes that fell in line with a future she had always dreamed of.

“I always wanted a family...I always wondered if I could get out of this and I could have my own. It’s been a dream I’ve always had.”

“But Kira, this is…” Jyn says, gesturing around them, shaking her head. “The life you're in now, the life both of you have been in doesn’t cater to that. You’ll have to make a choice...and as much as it pains me to say, Snoke doesn’t exactly approve of maternity leave or child care. If you can’t work, you’re no good for him and he...he could kill you if he finds out what you are to each other. That you're more than just partners. Or even worse, he could make _Kylo kill you!_ ”she says under her breath.

“He would _never_ hurt me,” Rey says defensively. Ben proved he wouldn’t. She knows whatever Snoke may require of him when it comes to her, he follows his own compass. It’s why he admitted to her of Snoke’s intentions and defied them anyway, even though she wasn’t working against them after all. 

Because no matter what, Ben was her partner before he was anything else and it was the same for her. They were there for each other long before anything else. At least that’s how Rey had come to think of it. 

Jyn looks like she has plenty more to say but she buttons her lip and nods. “I didn’t mean to imply that. I just know Kylo has been with the First Order for years and the kind of toll that has on a person and their willingness to trust or be trusted in. I can only hope that the trust you have in him is sincere.”

“It is…”

* * *

“You look like you went head to head with a bear," Cassian winces, overlooking all his wounds. Not just from this morning but from Japan as well. Which included the place on his head where he'd hit the toilet when Savage threw him in. Ben had been so worked up he had assumed it was just part of the headache that's been plaguing him but apparently he had a fair bruise on the side of his head beneath his hair.

“A bear with a piano wire?” Ben jokes dryly as his eyes stay trained on the ceiling.

Ben doesn’t sit still. Cassian keeps snapping at him.

“Kylo, will you stop it? The sooner you sit still, the sooner I can let you move.”

Ben sighs, looking to the bedroom door. “I just want to make sure–”

“She’s fine. Jyn knows what she’s doing.”

“No, I know. It’s just–” Ben sighs, realizing he should just shut his mouth. He wasn’t about to spill his worries to Cassian. But the worry persisted in his chest. Because even after the way this morning had gone, he recalls the way he felt when he had called her and he could have sworn it sounded like she was going to cry over the phone. And that was before she got chased down by Crimson Dawn. 

“It’s funny. I never took you for this type,” Cassian smirks. 

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I’ve stitched you up dozens of times over the years and I’ve never seen you look like this. But I’ve never seen you with a partner either. Or whatever you’re calling her because whatever she is to you, _it’s obvious._ ”

Ben gulps. “I call her my partner,” he insists. 

“Right. The partner you’ve been fretting over constantly, had given the shirt off your back to after you helped strip her of her own clothes, and then you kissed her before Jyn kicked you out. That partner?”

Ben rolls his eyes. 

“That’s what I’m talking about. I never took you for the type. All the times I’ve seen you, you’ve always been alone. And every time I’ve asked you, you insist that’s how you like it. But then she comes along and now you’re...” Cassian trails off as he chuckles.

“What? Now I’m what?”

“I don’t want to say _whipped_ because after the morning you’ve had I’m sure you’re a little anxious...but yeah, even then, you seem _whipped._ ”

“I don’t like to face every day with the thought that she’s gonna get killed. If that makes me ‘whipped’ then, yeah, I guess so,” Ben pouts.

“I’m just giving you a hard time. I’m happy for you, really.”

“Well, thanks, but I’m actually fucking terrified,” Ben answers dryly, his voice hoarse from literally being strangled an hour ago.

Cassian chuckles, patting him on the back. “Well, I don’t have anything for that but otherwise, you’re gonna be fine. I would try to get some ice on your throat for a good half hour every day or even if it’s feeling sore. And as for your voice, I’d expect it to be croaky for the next few days.”

“Thanks,” Ben groans out as he gets to his feet, bounding back for the bedroom door. But it opens before he gets there and Dr. Erso steps out. 

“She’s okay?” Ben asks before he goes in.

Dr. Erso looks like she wants to smack him and he doesn’t know why. Had he said something?

“She’s fine. A deep graze to her calf but clean up was easy. She’ll be sore and I gave her some pills for the pain but she’ll be okay. She might need help to move around the next few days, but something tells me you have no problem with that.”

_He doesn't._

“When does she get her stitches out?”

“I’m gonna aim for two weeks.” Dr. Erso’s accent was similar to Rey’s, he realizes suddenly. “That’s preferred but I know how rowdy you kids get so I’ve told her to change the bandages and keep an eye on it. If the stitches tear, then she knows to call me. She has my number.”

“Thank you,” Ben says awkwardly, but Dr. Erso definitely seems annoyed with him. “Uhh...I have a bunch of coins in my apartment but not on me. Once we feel clear to go back I’ll make sure you two are more than compensated.”

“That’s fine. We know you’re good for it,” Cassian says.

“How long are you planning to stay here?” Dr. Erso asks him, focusing more on the second part of his statement.

Ben shrugs, his hand on the doorknob to the bedroom. He would prefer to speak with Rey. “I don’t know. Until we have a clear idea of how many are left in Crimson Dawn.”

“You should go talk to your ‘boss,’” Cassian says. Ben knows they don’t support the First Order even though they tolerated him. Maybe that’s why Dr. Erso is annoyed with him.

“I did. This morning. We’re on our own," Ben tells them.

Dr. Erso rolls her eyes. “Real quality work. Is this what tenure looks like in Snoke’s care?”

Ben grits his teeth. He already has enough fucking strife trying to process Snoke’s motives for them and to hear it from someone else makes him angrier than he wants to be. 

“Thank you both. I imagine you two can show yourselves out?” he says, not waiting for an answer as he steps into the bedroom and shuts the door behind him. 

She’s sitting against the headboard, looking down at her phone, drying it off. 

“Salvageable?” he croaks out.

She nods. “I think so, yeah,” she says quietly.

He looks to the bandages on her leg, gently skimming near it with his hands. “Do you feel okay?”

She nods, setting her phone on the nightstand as it restarts.

“Rey?” he asks again, this time his hand trailing up to her face so she’ll look at him.

“I’m fine,” she insists. 

“You don’t have to be,” he tells her, hoping she knows by now she doesn’t have to hide from him. Besides, he can already tell she isn’t. 

She understands, nodding again but her lip trembled and she slowly leans forward into his arms and he hugs her against him. She sniffles as she tucks her face against his neck and his heart breaks as she trembles. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he tells her. His throat hurts but it hurts even more as he feels himself start to cry once more. “This can’t keep happening,” he croaks against her hair.

“My leg is fine,” Rey says but her voice is strained. “It could have been a lot worse...for both of us.”

“This is the second time in just a few days that I thought you were going to die. I’m gonna have a heart attack.”

His earlier thoughts seep in then. As well as his initial reaction to seeing her get shot. Because he knows if anything ever happened to her he would never forgive himself, but he would not be one to show any fucking mercy to those responsible.

* * *

Jyn had told her to relax. To try not to think about it. But it was all she thought about. 

She really tried to ease up. Especially because Ben fretted over her. He insisted on carrying her between rooms even if she told him that her leg was fine. 

As lavish as the penthouse was, it didn’t come with clothes and since her things were hanging to dry in the shower, she spent most of the day in Ben’s shirt while Ben was in just his trousers. 

Thankfully, Finn dropped by again with some things for them. Including some new toothbrushes and some leisure-based clothes from his own apartment because he knew they didn’t have much given their impromptu arrival. Rey could have cried when she saw he brought sweatpants. She had the urge to bundle and pretend like the outside world didn’t exist. 

Ben was very grateful as he managed to fit a shirt over his head, even though the sleeves were tight on his arms and the hem was a little higher than he was used to. 

Ben chuckled, apologizing for stretching it out but Finn had just laughed and told him not to worry.

Although it wasn’t exactly the way she was hoping to introduce Ben to her friends, she did feel comforted to see them acting civil and that Ben was clearly appreciative of not just Finn’s quick response but also his attempts to make them comfortable and secure.

When Finn said he had to get going, Rey bid him farewell from her spot on the couch.

“Alright, peanut. I gotta get going. Promise you’ll take it easy,” he tells her as he leans over to hug her.

Rey forces a smile on her face, because she knows Finn is only talking in regards to her leg. “As much as I can,” Rey tells him. 

“As soon as you have the energy we can get the Tico’s over to cheer you up.”

Rey smiles. “Yeah...and you still have to introduce us to this boyfriend of yours.”

“You’re one to talk. I see you and your _partner_ are closer than you explained,” Finn says quietly as Ben was in the other room.

Rey smirks. “I told you we got along.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t tell me that he looks at you like you’re the living embodiment of sunshine and rainbows...or how he looked like he could have burst into tears when you were hurt.”

Rey chews on her lip. Technically, he did burst into tears. But in her attempt to distract herself from how scared she is about how serious they are, and how that could change once Jyn gets back to her, Rey just chuckles. 

“If he looked at me like I’m sunshine, he’d be blind.”

Finn rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean.”

Ben walks back in then with an ice pack held to his throat.

Finn winces. “Damn, that looks painful.”

Ben shrugs, the hem of the shirt rising again and Rey smirks. “It’s alright. Could have been worse,” he says, his hand resting on top of Rey’s head. “Thanks to her.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stop by your apartment and bring some of your own things for you?”

“No, it’s alright. Besides you’ve done enough," Ben waves it off.

Finn smiles, rising back to his feet. “Well, I’m just a call down to the concierge if you need anything.”

“Thank you,” Ben says sincerely.

“And I want to make sure you’re both eating. If you don’t order down for room service then I’m sending something up. No excuses,” Finn says in his most assertive but still comical tone.

Ben chuckles. “Sounds good. Thanks, Finn,” Ben says, stepping over to shake his hand again. “Sorry about barging into the lobby and scaring the shit out of everyone.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. You can’t imagine how many people stumble in a bleeding mess. Most of the clientele here know what’s up with this place and we know what to do. It was just scarier than usual because I didn’t expect to see you two be the ones to do it today.”

“Well, regardless, it’s nice to _officially_ meet you. Rey’s told me a lot about you,” Ben says, his hand gentle on her shoulder.

Finn chuckles. “Well, I’m sure you can imagine what I’ve heard about you over the years. It’s been nice to hear from Rey how full of surprises you can be. I can see why she likes you so much.”

“Finn,” Rey rolls her eyes but she can hear Ben chuckles behind her. 

“Alright, alright, I’m going.”

Rey watches as the two men chat as they make their way for the door. Ben extends his hand to shake and Rey likes to see the smiles they give each other. It made her hopeful and relieved to see that they were getting along.

Ben moves back over for the couch when Finn leaves. He pursues the pile of clothes before picking out a sweatshirt that seemed bigger than the rest. It was still a little small on him but he doesn’t seem to mind. None of the sweatpants seemed to fit so he just unbuttons his trousers and remains in his boxers before cuddling down beside her and throwing the blanket over them.

“He’s nice,” he rasps out, reaching for the ice pack to bring to his throat again. 

Rey nods, arranging so she could hold it for him. Urging him to lean his head back against the couch so it relieved any stress on his neck. “Yeah...he likes you,” she tells him.

“Well it’s nice to know you’re not the only one who does,” he teases and she playfully flicks him. “No, I’m serious. Even Dr. Erso seemed pissed at me before she left. I was thinking it’s First Order related though. Was she like that with you?” he asks looking to her.

Rey opens her mouth to respond but nothing comes. And when it does, it wasn’t exactly an answer to his question. “She was upset with you?”

Ben shrugs. “It was probably nothing. I’m just paranoid. If you didn’t notice anything–”

“No, I...I’m sure she was just overwhelmed or something,” Rey lies. Her unease creeps in again as she thinks back to her conversation with the doctor and what she had to reveal in terms of her and Ben’s relationship. 

Jyn probably was upset with Ben, probably thinking he must be responsible for her very possible condition. 

“It’s probably nothing.”

“Yeah...you’re right,” Ben agrees.

Eager to change the topic and suddenly ravenous, she asks him about dinner. They haven’t eaten all day and Rey realizes that if she was pregnant, food was something she couldn’t go without. 

But Rey has decided to keep her suspicions to herself. That way if they were false, Ben wouldn’t have to worry. And if they were true...she could deal with that once she knew for sure.

All she knows right now is that she’s hungry and they’ve had a long day. Or at least it sounded simple enough that it let her relax as much as she could.

So they order up like Finn told them to. Rey eats her weight in pasta while they sit back and watch TV. Ben cuddles close to her, constantly holding her or kissing her or whispering in her ear how much he loves her.

But it just makes her want to cry, because Rey starts to wonder if this was all about to change. They have finally found this place with each other. A sanctuary for how they feel. An openness to how much they care for each other and how far they were willing to go for one another. 

But does that stop at the possibility of a baby? Does that bring this all crashing down? Does that send Ben away from her? Does that make the chance of ever having her own family impossible?

She thinks about what Jyn was saying earlier. Snoke wasn't going to let his two top assassins take time off to raise a child. She's never even met the guy but she's gathered enough from what Ben has to say of him to know that it was best to keep your personal wants and feeling far from the First Order. Because once Snoke got involved it was all over. Which made the possibility of a baby, a family, that much more far fetched. 

She always wanted a family. Even if it wasn’t possible now, maybe it could be one day...with him. They had discussed it briefly in Japan. A future without all this violence and uncertainty. But maybe they were just kidding themselves. What if it was all hopeless and even if she was pregnant, the likelihood of being able to protect them, leave the First Order, keep Ben by her side, and still have quiet moments like these seemed too much to hope for. 

Rey thinks if this was just them, sitting here on the couch at the end of long day and they were normal and had normal jobs, she would be excited. Maybe she would tell Ben of her suspicions and they could wait nervously together. They would be in the apartment they had to forfeit for the day because that was as close to home as they have. At least physically. 

But there's a reason they are staying in the one hotel in the city that ensured that nobody would try to kill them. There's a reason they are stuffed into Finn's old sweats and workout clothes. There's a reason there's a graze from a bullet on her calf and why Ben's voice is nearly gone and they had to ice his throat all day.

So as perfect as it seems when she feels Ben’s cheek settle atop her head and she can already tell he’s asleep just from how much heavier he gets, Rey tears up anyway. Because what if it could all disappear only when she just got it. She’s found a home and a family in him that if she lost it...it’d be like losing half of herself.

She doesn't care if it has only been a matter of months. Her heart knows he feels like a home.

She sniffles as quietly as she can to keep him sleeping but Ben gives a funny sort of snore as he suddenly wakes up. “Mmm...what time…?” He’s half asleep and she smiles enough to hide the tears from her voice.

“Late,” Rey answers, not sure of the time exactly but knowing at least that was true.

He nods. “Bed,” he groans simply, scooping her securely back into his arms, not noticing her tears in the dim lighting and his exhaustion.

Even though he’s tired, his strength is still confident as he holds her tightly and brings them into the bedroom, lowering her gently. He snuggles in next to her. his eyes closed instantly once more. But he presses a lazy kiss to her nose before he seems to fall under again.

She knows he’s exhausted. They both are. They didn’t really rest on their journey back from Japan and even though they got a few hours when they got back to New York, their day was exhausting and trying and she’s glad to see him in a peaceful state for the first time in what felt like forever, even if it had only been several days.

Rey wants to do the same. Her own exhaustion pulls her in, however, it is her anxiety that keeps her from doing so. Hesitantly, she looks over her shoulder to the phone that was hopefully dry and still operational. 

It’s well into the evening. Jyn said she would let her know by now. 

But if she checks, then she’ll know for sure and Rey isn’t sure she’s ready to face the reality of that.

Still, she knows she needs an answer, so she gently eases from Ben’s arms. He moans in disapproval in his sleep but his eyes stay closed.

Her heart pounds out of her chest as she grabs the phone, seeing the screen turn on but focused more so on the fact that she had some texts and missed calls waiting.

Some were from Rose and Paige asking if she was okay, probably hearing from Finn. One was from Finn as he sent hours ago regarding sweatshirts that he must have answered himself. 

But the only one she can focus on is from Dr. Erso. Rey takes a deep breath as she taps the screen and the thread reveals itself to her and there is only one word waiting for her. 

It’s just the one word that instantly echoes out in her mind. That seemed to be another pattern of the day.

Because Jyn’s answer was simple and direct and all Rey needed to read to not feel so tired anymore. But enough to make her feel like she might be sick again. Because now she finally knows why.

And even then, her eyes read over this one word what could have been a thousand times. 

_Positive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *pretends to be shocked*
> 
> lmao, sorry. This one got long and was probably a pain but whatever. Lots of heavy thinking in this one as well and since I'm a wordy bitch, there's only gonna be more of that lmao. 
> 
> Since the chapters alternate in the storyline, I try to make sure the scenes we get in the "flashbacks" are giving a big enough picture that we can jump off from to get to the next series of events for the next corresponding chapters. Kind of a mess but I still thought it was fun.
> 
> And I just love to watch the babes go through the stages of realizing they're gonna have a baby. Next we just need Ben to find out and mmmmm boy am I looking forward to writing that.
> 
> But before we get that, we have to go back to the tragic present and see what happens once papa Hux finds out what his son has been up to and more specifically, who he did it to. 
> 
> It's gonna get CRAZY!!!


	19. Eldridge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I don't LOVE this chapter but it needs to be yeeted so YEET!
> 
> Sorry in advance but I'm here to make you cry<3

Theo looked as his mom laying on the bed, hooked up to machines. She didn’t look right. She didn’t look like herself. 

He couldn’t help but feel like he can’t breathe again as his tears return. When he closes his eyes he feels like he’s back in the living room, his lungs seizing on him while the men smashed things all over their house.

But then Theo feels big hands surround him and he realizes his dad picks him up again and was carrying him out of the room. 

“Just breathe,” his dad tells him softly. “Like me, deep breaths.”

Theo hears the rattle of an inhaler and his dad sits down on a chair in the hallway and helps him breathe a little better. But it didn’t change the fact of how sad he was. Or the fact that his mom was hurt. 

“It’s alright,” dad tells him. “I got you.”

“Dad?” Theo croaks out, feeling tiny in his father’s arms.

“She’s gonna be fine. We’re all gonna be fine,” his dad says, but his voice is shaking. Like he’s telling it to himself too.

It makes Theo sob out in fear as he admits to his dad the weight he feels settled in his chest. “They shot her ‘cause of me.”

Dad holds him tighter. “No, Theo.”

“It’s my fault.”

Suddenly his dad holds either side of his face and he can see the tears in his father’s eyes. He doesn’t remember ever seeing his dad cry the way he has since last night. He’s never seen him like this before. He’s just as scared as them. Theo didn’t really think his dad was scared of anything. _But he was._

_His dad was scared right now._

“This is not your fault," he croaks out. "Don’t you dare say that.”

“But she–” Theo tries to explain but his dad cuts him off again. 

“Mom wouldn’t want you to think that. She’d be so proud of you.”

Theo just sobs, diving into his dad's shoulder. He doesn’t feel brave. He just wants his mom to wake up. 

“I just want her to wake up. I want her to be okay.”

“Me too, buddy…me too,” dad says as he rocks him like he was a baby.

* * *

Dad had said mom needed to sleep for a while. But Lydia knew that meant it was bad. She’s seen movies. She’s asked Jyn and Cassian enough science questions in the past to know her mom wasn’t just sleeping. 

She was in a coma. 

And even further, she wasn’t breathing by herself. 

Lydia watched as her little sister looked over their sleeping mother, confused and scared. She’d probably be even more frightened if she could hear the scary noises coming from the machines. Lydia knew what the machines were doing but they still frightened her. Because as much as they were helping her mom, they just seemed wrong. Like it was wrong to see them all connected to mom. Because the fact that their mom was here at all was wrong. Like it’s something that should never have happened but it did. 

“Careful, Maeby,” Lydia says, reaching for her because she knows she can’t hear.

“Mommy’s sleeping?” Mae croaks out, looking over her shoulder to Lydia.

 _“Yeah. Sleeping,”_ Lydia signs.

 _“When does she wake up?”_ Mae signs this time.

 _“We don’t know,”_ Lydia says, wondering if she should wait for dad to explain it but he’s been in the hallway with Theo for a while now and she thinks if he had to say it it would make him cry again. So Lydia takes it upon herself to explain it as well as she can to her sister, even if it makes her want to cry too. 

_“It’s a different kind of sleep that happens after you get hurt real bad. The doctors don’t know how long.”_

Mae’s lip trembles and she looks back to mom. “I want her awake now.” She doesn’t sign this time as she spoke instead. Her voice barely heard over the machines. 

“Me too,” Lydia says but Mae is looking at her so Mae doesn’t know she’s spoken. 

Mae settles Rufus, her stuffed purple dog next to mom on the bed just as dad comes back in with Theo. 

Lydia had spoken to her brother last night and then a little more this morning. He told her what happened in the house and she wonders how Theo was able to breathe at all it sounded so terrifying. But their dad was carrying not one but two inhalers in his pocket. 

He looks... _bad._ He's paler than he usually is and he looks exhausted. And his eyes are red.

He walks with Theo and they move to the side of mom’s bed. Theo takes hold of mom’s hand while Mae holds her arms up, looking at dad. The way she asks to be picked up. Mae starts crying again once she’s tucked away against dad’s shoulder.

Lydia finds herself walking around to their side of the bed so she can hug them too. Because she’s scared and she doesn’t know what this means for their family if they lose mom.

But she can tell that’s all her father is thinking about.

Suddenly, Lydia thinks back to that night when she walked past their room and she saw her father crying. The only thing holding him together then was mom. And now, even though they’re all keeping hold of him as much as he’s holding them, and technically mom was right next to them...that didn’t seem to help much.

Everything was scary and Lydia wishes she could just wake up from whatever dream this was but it wasn’t stopping. 

And just then there’s a knock on the door and Jyn steps in. “Lando’s here,” she tells them. “Cassian is bringing him up right now.”

“Thank you,” their dad answers.

Maybe Lando could help, Lydia tells herself. But that hope burns bright for only a moment as she already knows that Lando’s heart will break like the rest of them once he sees what’s happened.

* * *

Hondo was sitting at his desk when his phone finally rings. 

He lets it ring for a moment as he takes a deep breath, anticipating what was coming. He already knows who it is. 

“Hello?” Hondo says as well as he can.

“I heard you struck my son.”

 _Yeah,_ definitely Hux.

“That’s true, sir. I did,” Hondo says honestly.

“May I ask why?”

He sounds so irritated but also so entitled. Like Hondo should feel so lucky he’s getting a chance to explain himself before he’s sentenced to be murdered. But Armitage Hux doesn’t have any idea. At this point, that was more likely to be said about Hux. 

“Well, sir...Because he broke into the home of Kylo Ren, shot Kira Niima, threatened their son, and stole their car.”

The silence is prolonged for a moment, and then…

“Oh.”

The line goes dead then and Hondo knows that Armitage now understands the weight of the situation. 

Hondo hopes that whatever happens, that Kylo and his family are alright. They’ve been nothing but myths and ghost stories for years. 

But Hondo knows the truth of who they are, just as Armitage does. So he knows exactly what awaits his son now. 

And Hondo doesn’t envy them in the slightest.

* * *

Armitage stares out at the city below him as he tries to interpret what he just heard.

Eldridge has fucked up. He’s fucked up beyond belief. More than he usually has.

Because this time it wasn’t just some misdemeanor. It wasn’t just some incident that he could take care of quietly, pay the right people and keep his kid out of jail.

This was Kylo fucking Ren.

And not just him but Kira too. 

Apparently, Eldridge shot her. He doesn’t know if she’s dead or what...but it didn’t matter. Because either way, Hux knows how Kylo handles things...especially when it concerns Kira Niima.

And now his son has…Oh fuck. He’s dead. There’s nothing he can do. 

It would have been enough if it was just the car. The Dyad probably would have shown up to his doorstep to get it back. 

But it was more than that. 

Eldridge apparently threatened their son. He wonders if this son was the child they had run away to have all those years ago or if they had more. 

He steps slowly back down into his penthouse. Mitaka approaches him with his usual nervous sort of grin. “They agreed to your terms. Congratulations, sir.”

Hux can barely hear him. It didn’t matter if they came to his terms. No good news sounded good after the other news he just heard. because it wasn’t just Eldridge that was fucked, but he was fucked too. 

“Hux?” Mitaka asks again, confused by his silence. 

“Have you seen my son?”

* * *

Eldridge struts into his father's building. 

Mitaka lets him in and Eldridge sees his father at the bar, drinking. His eyes are down and Eldridge tries to anticipate the look on his face when he learns he carried out his job. His dad seemed to think he wasn’t cut out for business and Eldridge was determined to prove he was. Because one day he’d own more of this city than his father did. That would piss him off. 

“How was Canto Bight?” Mitaka asks kindly. Over the years he’s not as skittish as he used to be. Eldridge used to get him riled up just to watch but Mitaka had figured him out. It was harder to get a rise out of him now. 

Maybe that’s why his dad has kept him around.

Eldridge holds his head proudly. “We won’t be hearing from them any time soon...or ever.”

His father nods as he pours another drink. Two of them actually. He steps away from the bar then, offering the second glass to him. 

“Cheers,” his father says with zero expression as the two glasses collide with a clink. 

Eldridge takes the whiskey, smirking as he takes it down in one sip. It doesn’t impress his father in the slightest. More like he was expected to drink it quickly as his dad takes the glass back once he’s done and sets it back at the bar. Mitaka looks to the empty glasses in confusion. But his father's attention is still on Eldridge.

“That’s a nice jacket,” he tells him suddenly, his hands studying the lapels of it and nodding.

Maybe he wasn’t pissed. 

He even turns around to look at Mitaka, searching for agreement about the garment but in an instant, he turns back around and punches him as hard as he can in the stomach. 

Eldridge collapses to the floor, getting sick instantly.

* * *

Hux throws him a rag, ignoring how Mitaka winces behind them. “Clean that shit up.” He takes his jacket off, feeling himself getting angry.

"Should I go?" Mitaka asks nervously.

"No. Stay for this. I need you to hear what he's done."

"Hux, I really don't–"

"Fucking stay!"

Mitaka drops it, his gaze dropping to the floor while Hux looks back at his son. Eldridge has fucked up a lot over the years but this was a whole new level. He’s fucked up so bad that it jeopardizes their entire business. All of their lives. And he’s so fucking smug.

“ _What’d I do?”_ Eldridge asks in Russian. When he’s caught off guard like this, his native language comes first. 

“You fucked up!” Hux shouts back at him.

“I did what you asked. No one saw shit!” He says once again in English.

“I’m not talking about Canto Bight.”

“Then what? _You mean Ohnaka's?_ So I stole a fucking car!”

Hux punches him in the gut again and he falls to his knees.

“Fuck, Hux,” Mitaka hisses again. That was the thing about Mitaka. It didn’t matter how much he’s seen or how long he’s been at this, he didn’t have the stomach for violence. 

Hux is indifferent however to his son, groaning and cleaning up his own vomit on the hardwood floors. He fixed his jacket as he returns to the bar and pours himself another drink. 

He takes a moment to breathe and to remind himself to explain this as well as he can, even as he seethes with rage. Eldridge doesn’t understand what he’s done. Even if he’s a grown man, he was still very much a child. Immature and selfish. Hux knows he was all too similar at his age but the kid was out of making excuses. 

“It’s not so much what you did, Eldridge. It’s who you did it to.”

“Who?” his son scoffs. “That fucking soccer mom? She’s probably fine. And they were loaded. Their house and car is probably insured double for what they’re worth. They’ll get over it. They’re just a bunch of rich nobodies.”

“That ‘fucking soccer mom,’ was _Kira Niima._ ”

Eldridge just looks at him, like he could give half a fuck. He knows nothing of this business. He was so fucking ignorant. 

“What?!” Mitaka gasps.

Hux could have predicted that from his long time assistant though. “Mitaka, seeing as you understand the weight of our situation...why don’t you enlighten my son as to just whose house he broke into.”

“Kira was...Kira was one of the best. She and Kylo are the only reason the First Order and Crimson Dawn are both extinct.”

“Ah yes, hard to mention either one of them without the other." Hux looks back to his son to make sure he's listening. He's not going to repeat himself. "You see, _he_ was her partner.”

“Who?” Eldridge grounds out.

“Kylo Ren. You remember I told you about Snoke? The boss I worked for when you were growing up?” Eldridge nods. “Well, Kylo was his favorite. For nine years, he exceeded expectations and it got him the nickname that sent chills all over the world. You remember, Mitaka?”

“The boogeyman," Mitaka breathes out. Like he's talking about a ghost. Hux knows he's actually disturbed by this news but it's like he had paid him for the performance just to freak Eldridge out all the more.

Eldridge rolls his eyes. “Baba Yaga?” he scoffs.

“Laugh all you want, son. Even I used to scoff back in the days I worked close to him. Because no matter what I did, it wasn’t as good as him. But as much as I hated the guy, I guess I always knew I was no match for him. Kylo...” Hux chuckles incredulously, “Kylo was lethal. He was almost mechanical. Nothing tempted him. Nothing distracted him. He was the perfect hunter. The most efficient killer the First Order had ever seen.”

Eldridge doesn’t seem to quite understand. Hux takes a sip of his drink as he tries to grapple with the thought of them. _Kylo and Kira._ He thinks of them often actually.

“Kylo was the best...and then one day, Snoke gives him a new kind of assignment. Tells him he’s going to take on a partner. A young girl from Dathomir.”

“The Nightsisters?”

“Oh, well it’s nice to know you are aware of something in this city. _Yes. The Nightsisters._ A young woman was taken into the First Order under dubious circumstances and Ren’s job was to call her bluff and kill her when her true intentions became clear. And if I’m honest, I don’t know what became of that or if she was innocent of that...but it wouldn’t have mattered. Because Kylo was already far gone for her and he never would have hurt her.”

Hux pours himself another drink.

“That man changed practically overnight. From the brooding killer he was to a man drawn into the temptation of this girl that he...well, anyone paying attention would have noticed...he was madly in love with her," Hux says. He remembers early on when he ran into Kylo in Spain. He wasn't even with her at the time but Hux could tell how Kira had broken through some human barriers that Hux didn't think Kylo even had.

Hux looks over to Mitaka once more. The man looks paler than usual but he was nodding along. Because everyone knew it, even in the early days. Kylo had been bewitched by her. Body and soul. 

“Naturally, coming from Dathomir, she was well equipped for the job. She was his equal in every way. Just as smart. Just as quick. Just as deadly,” Hux continues. “They worked well together. Made each other stronger and it made Kylo even more fearsome than ever. Because before her, he was just on autopilot, killing whoever’s name was on the contract. But after her, he had something to fight for and it made him more dangerous than ever. Mitaka even heard of one occasion where he was handcuffed to a toilet while she was dragged away, intended to be shot in an alleyway. And Kylo, _refusing to lose his partner,_ tore the toilet from the floor to free himself before they could do anything to her.”

Eldridge’s expression seems to get paler and paler the more he learns of this man as he must have deduced by now where all of this is leading.

But Hux lets him struggle a little longer.

“Two sides of the same coin. The perfect couple that took the world by storm. Two forces that made each other stronger.”

 _“The Dyad,”_ Mitaka whispers. 

“Yeah,” Hux chuckles, recalling the title they carried. “ _The Dyad._ I couldn’t stand them. It was impossible to be recognized for anything when they were your competition. But then that all started to change before too long.”

“Why?” Eldridge croaks out, finally listening.

Hux shrugs. It had all happened so fast but in reality, they were only partners for a few months before things got more than just serious between them. “She got pregnant,” he says simply. Hux even remembers pitying them once he learned the news as he had been in a similar situation all those years ago in Russia...which resulted in the son that cowers before him now, trying to look bigger than he is. 

“And when they decided to keep it, they tried to find a way out of this life...but our former boss, _Snoke,_ wasn’t about to let his top employees walk away for the sake of their relationship or the child they planned to have. So if he couldn’t have them, no one could. But even then, Snoke underestimated just how far they’d go to protect not just each other, but the life they believed they were destined for. They had no true loyalty to him. Their only loyalty was to each other.”

“They killed him?” Eldridge asks.

Hux nods. “Along with the half dozen highly trained guards that surrounded him. But they fought with passion and precision and for something that they thought was worth fighting for. You see these two...they are people of focus. Commitment. Sheer will. Things of which you know very little about.”

Eldridge purses his lips defiantly as if he wants to argue that. But he was a fool. The most loyalty his son ever showed for anything was video games or drugs. 

The more Hux thinks about it, Eldridge was just the kind of person that Kylo would have hated. If his son were to walk up to him in a bar, trying to make small talk and insist to be acknowledged, Kylo probably would have stuck a pencil in his brain.

But now Kylo has all the reason to do his worst. 

Hux sighs. _We’re all fucked._

“They left. Fled. Disappeared. No one would have been brave enough to go after them. Everyone knew how that’d end. So it seemed like the best thing would be to let them live the life they had fought so hard for. And myself included. If it weren’t for them, our company never would have prospered. I’d still be some mediocre assassin working for the First Order, but now we’ve replaced the presence of Snoke in this city with something much more realistic. Technically speaking, everything we have we owe to them. Our standing in this city for all reasons should have been theirs, but they didn’t want it. They wanted to retire and go play house and as much as I find that a waste of such skill, it was nice to finally be recognized in their absence.

“And for thirteen years, what’s become of them was left in mystery. And that’s how everyone liked it. Because that meant they weren’t out to kill any of us. No one wanted to face the fate that Snoke and his guards and countless others had to sustain. Everyone knew better than to fuck with them.”

Hux sets his drink aside, coming to step right before his son once more. This time Eldridge clenches his jaw as if anticipating another blow.

 _“Everyone but you!_ ” Hux screams. “Because here I am, trying to run my fucking business when Ohnaka tells me that my son not only stole their car and broke into their home, but you’ve threatened their son and shot Kira Niima. A very dangerous woman with a very dangerous husband, who now knows your name.”

“Th-that was really them?”

 _For fuck’s sake, the kid is an idiot._ Hux ignores him just to carry on with what he was saying. “And I guarantee you, thirteen years doesn’t mean shit. Not when that man is provoked. You were dead when you looked at them for the first time. You were dead when you walked in their house. That would have been enough. But for all our sakes, _you have buried us._ It doesn’t matter if Kira is dead or if she’ll recover. All that matters now is that the most protective and deadly man is now out for your blood after you attacked his family. 

"And just so you really grasp the weight of all this, our old boss, Snoke, found himself killed instantly by a man who had been loyal to him for nearly a decade. All because he threatened a woman of which Kylo had only known for a matter of months. The same woman he's now been married to for thirteen years! The same woman you just fucking shot!” Hux screams, smacking Eldridge on the back of the head. _“You’re fucked.”_

“Father, wait!”

“There’s no waiting. It’s already set in motion. That’s what it’s like in the adult world. You see? Congratulations on finding yourself a situation that I can’t buy you out of! This is real fucking life. Take a good look because it's over now!” Hux screams, waving his arms around the room.

“But wait a second! Wait a second!” Eldridge shouts.

“No, I’m done with you.”

“Father, I can make this right!”

“Oh really? How?” 

“By finishing what I started!”

“Did you not–” Hux stammers, turning around to look at Mitaka. “Did he hear a single word I just fucking said?”

“Dad, I know how to fucking handle–”

Hux pulls his son close, hugging him firmly but whispering into his ear to ensure he fucking hears. “Kylo will come for you. And when he does, there will be nothing you can do but let him, because you broke the rules...so get the fuck out of my sight!”

* * *

Mitaka waits until things seemed to have settled down and Eldridge had barricaded himself in his room upstairs. Armitage had yet to leave the bar as he was tapping his fingers against the counter.

“Hux?” Mitaka risks.

“That fucking kid...I’m not going down for this. It’s not fair.”

“Then what? What do we do?” 

What Hux told his son was true. If Kira was really shot, it doesn’t matter if she survives or what. Kylo would be coming and they’d all get a refresher of the kind of hunter he could be back in the day. 

Mitaka could feel himself trembling, recalling the last time he saw them. On the last day anyone saw them. He really thought they were going to kill him but they let him live.

“I want you to task a crew,” Hux says more to the bar than to Mitaka.

Mitaka looks to him. _Was he serious?_ Even if they stood a chance, Mitaka knows children are involved. Kylo and Kira’s son, and however many children they might have had. _Children._

And even then, Mitaka knows what they’re capable of. He doubts a crew of their best would actually do anything. What this will do is just hammer the nail in their coffin when Kylo finds out that Eldridge not only shot Kira but then Armitage tried to get rid of all of them when he was scared for their business. They were doomed.

Mitaka tries to express this calmly. “What about–”

“Mitaka, please!” Armitage barks, cutting him off. “I can’t have them coming back here. Or if Eldridge killed her, Kylo’s going to be a fucking animal. This is my empire I’ve built. If they come back it’s all gone and where would this city be then?" Hux gestures to the window, like he's the only reason the city functions at all.

"So, I need a fucking crew and total cooperation. It’s your ass on the line here too. You think they’d let you live a second time around?”

Mitaka gulps. “How...how many do you need?”

Hux is all too serious when he asks, “How many do you have?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is really kicking my ass right now as we sink into the few final weeks. I've been updating this one pretty quickly so far but that may slow down a bit now because things are due and I've been putting them off to write this instead lmao. 
> 
> But writing this helps de-stress me so I don't really regret it haha. 
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading! I know I'm probably torturing everybody so thanks for sticking with me.
> 
> (Also, maybe it's the anniversary effect brewing but my usual TROS sadness is starting to feel a little more like freshly wounded TROS anger again. More so than it has been the past few months. But that's probably just going to be my mindset for the foreseeable future so I'm just going to besmirch JJ on Tumblr and try to pass my classes. That's the most constructive way I can channel this energy omg)


	20. Hiding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this one was meant to be the intro to the big chapter I was planning on but as always I get really swept up in portraying Ben and Rey's points of view and it got too long so I'm going to split it up a bit and give you this now. 
> 
> That being said, this is not gonna go the way you think heehee
> 
> I'm keeping this rated M still, but at the end we have "The Return of the Smexy Times" which I think is pretty tame (at least in comparison to some of the wild stuff the rest of this fandom writes lmao). So just be prepared for that.

They had been at the Castle for several days now. Aside from a few phone calls with Mitaka about what’s going on, they still don’t know much about what remains of Crimson Dawn. 

So they’ve had to just lay low, making do with what they have as they wait out the impending storm. 

But tonight, they’ve decided to approach Maz about it. She knew everyone in this city and it was more likely that she had more information than Mitaka would. 

So they were wearing the clothes they had worn on that first day, now cleaned, ironed. The only true casualty was Rey’s tights that tore from the bullet.

Rey was moving just fine now. Her leg was healing nicely. Ben still tried to carry her at times but she just rolled her eyes at him and insisted she was fine.

And Ben’s throat was doing a lot better. His voice wasn’t as croaky. 

They were fine. Physically. They were itching to get back to the apartment with their things but not quite ready to sacrifice the security that the Castle provides. 

But they were fine. Alive. That’s what mattered.

However, something seems to have changed. Rey seems... _different._

She’s been quiet. At first, he thought it was because of how overwhelming that one morning had been and it had all started to sink in. But as the silence prolongs, and the more he tries to pull her out of it, he fears that it might be something else. 

He’s tried to ask her about it but she, again, insists she’s fine. His instincts urge him to give her time, although he hates to think something is bothering her.

 _She’s entitled to her privacy. I’m not going to know everything that crosses her mind and I need to be okay with that,_ he tells himself.

Ben fixes his tie in the mirror in the foyer before he moved back for the bedroom where she was getting dressed. But as he steps in he finds her standing in front of the mirror next to the closet. She was just wearing her skirt and her bra. Her shirt wasn’t on yet as she seemed to be studying herself with her hands on her waist and oddly captivated by her midsection.

“What are you doing?” he chuckles but she jumps a little when she realizes he’s stepped in.

“Nothing,” she tells him, but she looks a little nervous as she reaches for her shirt to pull it over her head. Ben steps up behind her, his hands reaching for her already as he hugs her to his chest, looking at the shape of them in the mirror.

“You sure?” he double-checks, hoping she knows he was there to talk if she needs him.

_Of course she knows! She sees you every day!_

Rey just chuckles, looking to the ground. “I’ve just been eating too much room service.”

_Is she serious?_

“You look beautiful,” he tells her. “You always do,” he kisses her ear, his hands wandering to her middle she seemed so worried about. She’s so lean. Muscular. Probably from growing up on a “gulag diet” as she calls it and a strict ballet schedule. “I don’t know why you worry,” he chuckles, looking at her in the mirror but she won’t even look at him. 

He feels it again, a distance from her even when she’s in his arms. _Was he bothering her?_

She pulls away from him then, feeding his worry as she moves over to grab some of Finn’s socks he brought over (since her tights were trashed) before she put her boots on.

Something was wrong. But she won’t tell him directly. And if she does, it wasn’t going to be now. Ben runs a hand through his hair as he tries to tell himself not to watch her. Not to crowd her.

Apparently, whatever he was doing, it wasn’t right.

All he could do was stay close enough so that she knows he’s here whenever she was ready to tell him. 

* * *

Rey told Finn that she and Ben would be coming down to the bar that evening to talk to Maz. He asked if they were up to hang out a bit since he had the evening off and he wanted to introduce them to his boyfriend. He even wanted to get Rose and Paige over but they said they couldn’t on account of the summer show Talzin was obsessively preparing for.

As much as Rey missed them, the thought of doing hours of ruthless ballet for Talzin’s pretentious program made her queasy all over again. She did not envy them in the slightest but she still realized she’d need some stable energy for the evening.

Rey realized that if she said " _no"_ to Finn _,_ it would only make them all ask what’s bothering her. And she could tell the half-truth and explain that she’s just feeling a little distracted because what remains of Crimson Dawn is out for her and Ben’s blood.

But the fact of the matter was, the other half of the truth was what occupied her thoughts for most of the day. The fact that she was pregnant and she was...well, she’s scared. She’d be scared if she was just a normal twenty-year-old. 

Let alone one that was currently working as an assassin for a questionably devious man she’s never met. Or just as someone that’s only known the father of her unborn child for a matter of months and been sleeping with him for even less than that. Not that Rey likes to consider it as casual as that. It’s just that it was in that act itself that got her to this predicament she’s at now.

She didn’t like to think of it so clinically, or even in the more cheeky terms. She loved Ben, he loved her. That seemed the best way to sum it up in her head, even if it must sound naive. But that’s where she felt most comfortable. That’s where it felt safest, although she could never stay for long because soon enough her nerves and doubts and fears came full circle and all she could think about was how heavy this all felt.

Even when she wishes it could be happy news for them. She wishes she could tell Ben because even though he doesn’t know, she knows he’s worried about her and she’s not hiding it well. 

But she needs time, Rey tells herself. Maybe just to play through all the possible scenarios a little bit longer so she could prepare herself for the impending outcome. 

She tries not to dwell on the possibility that this would make Ben pull away from her but she tries to prepare herself nonetheless. In her heart, she doesn’t believe he would do such a thing. But maybe abandonment was drilled further into her than she realized. 

They step out of the private elevator onto the maintenance floor. Ben snags her hand as he threads them through the maze of the Castle’s deeper levels. Passing through the laundromat where their clothes were tended to most likely. But they approach the door that leads to the main bar of the establishment, but the one that remained only known to those that had gold coins to get through the door.

They didn’t have any coins on them still, seeing as they had yet to return to the apartment. Rey only had a small collection seeing as you only get so few of them for each job. But seeing as Ben has done an infinite amount of jobs, he had (what seemed to Rey) an infinite collection of coins. So everyone knew he was good for it, including the bouncer that only needed to look at Ben and give a nod before letting them enter. 

Instantly Rey is hit with the sound of music and chatter and a nightlife atmosphere she wasn’t sure she was quite in the mood for. She can only hope her stomach behaves itself. She hasn’t been getting sick too often. When she does, she hides it well. It’s more just that nauseous feeling that’s been plaguing her.

She’s been here before. She knows her way around. It’s where she met with DJ and discovered the truth about her parents. 

Maybe that’s why her stomach roils, she tells herself. It was more mental than...well, the baby.

It was so strange to think of it as it actually was. 

_A baby._

That’s where this was going. That’s what’s going to happen and be quite unavoidable once she starts to get bigger.

Jyn mentioned that one day, before she left, that if she wasn’t planning on keeping it, to let her know. And Rey had thought a lot about it. She’d be crazy if she didn’t. It’s the biggest decision a woman could make, it seems. 

But at every conclusion, Rey has found that she would very much like to have this baby. It’s all she thinks about. And even though she was young and unprepared, she convinces herself that she’ll get prepared for them. Because she can’t help but feel she loves them already...or at least the idea of them. The little face that she’s dreamed up was easy to love though. 

She imagines what they’d look like. She especially smiles when she pictures what they’ll get from Ben. Maybe his hair. His eyes. His ears.

“Come on. Maz is probably sitting at her booth,” Ben explains over the music, pulling her out of her daze. She follows after him.

Sure enough, in the secluded corner of the bar, Maz sits with her oversized glasses positioned on the end of her nose while she works away in something or other. 

“Maz?”

She looks up at them, but she doesn’t seem too surprised to see them. 

“Well, my two guests from the tower finally show their faces. Must have been bad if it has you this frazzled.” She gestures across from her for them to sit down. Ben had let go of her hand, but even then, Maz smirks as she looks at them. “Never thought I’d see you with a partner...Ren. You always were the quiet type. Even in those early days… before you were given your new name.”

Rey nearly glances at him then but refrains. Maz knew Ben when he was still just Ben. _Interesting._

“Then you’d know I’d only come to you if things were bad. I’m a resourceful guy but”

“But you’re here to ask what you’re up against? You think I’ve got answers for you?”

“Do you?” Rey asks 

“Possibly…I imagine this is in regards to Maul?”

Ben nods but Rey feels his hand squeeze hers beneath the table. “Crimson Dawn...what remains of it is out for us. Snoke won’t help.”

Maz scoffs. “Well, what do you expect from a bastard like him? Of course he’d tell you that.”

Rey hears Ben give a small sigh. “We just need some answers. Once we have an idea of remaining numbers then we’ll be out of your hair.”

Maz sighs. “I admit I don’t know. But I know how I can find out. I like you kids so I’ll do you a solid. Stick around until I call for you.”

“Thank you,” Rey says appreciatively as she moves to stand once more. This time when she gets to her feet she feels the dizziness win out but she closes her eyes and walks in a blind haze. Ben walks beside her and she uses him as a guide until they reach the bar and opens her eyes again. 

“Maz has connections. She’ll get an idea and who knows? If it’s manageable we can even head back to the apartment tonight.”

Rey nods, but her stomach starts to turn and she can’t even speak.

“Rey?” Ben whispers. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I…” She spins her head around, not sure where the bathroom is but she needed it now. “I’m just gonna run to the restroom,” she says, pulling away from him as she goes she sees the worry etched deep into his face. 

She can only go so much longer without telling him, she shouts at herself as she marches for the corner of the room that was really her only hope. He needs to know. He’d want to know.

But not tonight. _Just not tonight._

 _Soon,_ Rey promises to herself. Soon she’ll tell him and have to face all that comes with that. Even if it means she loses him.

She barges into the bathroom, ignoring the crowd of women at the mirrors, fixing their make up to crash into one of the stalls. She just stands there with her back against the door, taking deep breaths and keeping her eyes closed. A technique she quickly developed to try and calm herself down. Sometimes it even made the feeling go away. And due to the lack of toothbrushes in this bar, she would prefer to keep the contents of her stomach to herself. 

* * *

Ben wishes she would just talk to him. But now she’s even hiding from him. 

She’s been in the bathroom for the last ten minutes.

He shakes his head at himself. 

He needs a drink. “Bourbon, please,” he tells the bartender.

He hasn’t been drinking lately. He hasn’t felt the need to. Bourbon was just one of those things that would keep him company when he was lonely or bored or stressed or confused. But when Rey discovered the truth of her parents, she hasn’t been drinking. It’s not something they’ve outwardly discussed but he knows that’s why she hasn’t been drinking. It’s partially why _he_ hasn’t been drinking either, even though he just hasn’t felt the need.

But right now he can’t help it so he takes a swig of it after it’s poured in front of him.

Right now it is the _“stressed and confused”_ that applies to him most.

“Rough day?” a voice jokes beside him and Ben turns to see Poe Dameron standing next to him at the bar. “Or maybe ‘rough week’ applies more just looking at you.”

“Dameron,” Ben nods in acknowledgment, preferring not to answer the question.

“Where’s your partner? Still getting ready?” he jokes, recalling in Rome how Ben had been at the bar waiting for Rey while she was getting ready.

“Bathroom,” Ben nods to the back of the room.

“What’s the matter? Trouble in paradise?”

Ben rolls his eyes. “Crimson Dawn is out for our asses. So yeah, things are not ideal.”

“No, I mean between the two of you. What’s the problem?”

Ben scoffs, “Can you just talk about the weather until you get your drink and walk away like other people?”

“Maybe I would, but I figured I should congratulate you after what happened in Rome.”

“What, with Calican?” That wasn’t exactly the biggest bounty or what is considered an exemplary sort of job. They’ve had plenty more reputable since then.

“No, I meant with.. _.well you know_.”

Ben shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“Dude,” Poe chuckles, clapping a hand on his back. “I had the room next to you at Rex’s Continental. And you know how thin the walls can be,” he says lowly, wiggling his eyebrows.

Ben burst into flames and hopefully the odd lighting of the bar works in his favor to hide the redness of his face. 

“Dameron, if you’re trying to be annoying, it’s working.”

“Aw, come on. I’m happy for you. I could tell just by the way she looks at you she felt the same about you.”

“I never told you how I felt about her.”

“You didn’t have to. When she came down in that dress,” Poe chuckles, “that kind of gave everything away.”

Ben rolls his eyes. If he’s honest, he knows Poe is right. When it comes to Rey, what he tries to keep contained to his heart and mind reveals openly on his face. 

“Which is why I can’t help but worry for you, man. You’re looking weathered. That’s what I meant. _Trouble in paradise?_ ”

Ben sighs, leaning further against the bar. “I’d hardly call being hunted by Crimson Dawn _‘paradise.’_ Besides, we’re fine.”

“You sure?”

_No._

“Yes,” Ben says as confidently as he can.

“Alright...well, word of advice, I suggest you ask her what you did. Because if you don’t know by now, that means she’s waiting for you to figure it out and apologize but if this is all still new to you then just be honest and ask her.”

Ben hates that he’s actually taking his advice. 

What makes him such an authority though? “What the hell do you know about being in a–”

“Poe!” Finn’s voice calls out over the music as he comes to join them at the bar. Ben is prepared to ask him if he can get him a drink, a show of gratitude for all his help these past few days, but his words are caught in his throat.

Because Finn marches up into Poe’s arms and they kiss chastely in greeting.

_Oh…_

Finn pulls away, just noticing that Ben is standing there. “Hey,” he beams at him. “Nice to see you get some air. Your throat is looking better? How’s the voice?”

“Good. Better,” Ben nods.

“Well, I know you already know Poe. He told me he’s seen you around.”

“Yeah, I thought he looked familiar,” Ben jokes. Finn laughs but Poe rolls his eyes.

“Always the smart ass,” Poe smirks.

“Where’s Rey?” Finn asks, looking around.

“Bathroom,” Poe answers, trying to get the bartender’s attention.

It’s then that Ben’s head snaps back at them. Not only had Finn said Rey’s real name, but Poe already knew it. Which means that Finn’s been talking about them without the discretion of their alias.

“Finn,” Ben snaps, which makes the smile on Finn’s face fall. 

“What?”

_“Names!”_

Finn looks a little ashamed but Poe steps in with a scoff. “Go easy on him. In all honesty, your names weren’t too much of a surprise.”

“Why’s that?”

“Thin walls, remember?”

Ben could just about die. 

Finn snickers, but covers his mouth when he thinks Ben is still mad. But Ben just sighs and slumps back onto the stool. “Shut up,” he mutters, turning back to his drink but they just laugh again. 

_Kill me._

“Don’t sweat it, Solo. Your secret is safe with me,” Poe pats him on the back. 

* * *

Rey comes out of the stall, feeling a victory only she could feel as she successfully defeated the wave of nausea that sent her in here in the first place. She washes her hands and gets a towel damp just so she could feel the cool presence of it on her face. It helps her take the few final deep breaths she needs before she faces Ben back out at the bar. 

He’ll have questions and he’ll want to know what took her so long. 

But the sooner she tells him, the sooner she might have to face the possibility of either losing him or losing the baby. Even if it’s not what she wanted, it’s what’s safest for the baby.

Rey never really thought what it’d be like to be pregnant before but she didn’t imagine it’d be like this. Crying and nauseous and still skinny but feeling bloated and strange.

It’s weird. 

Sighing she decides to step outside, the muffled music from the bathroom hitting at full force again. But as she strides through the bar, there’s a small whistle that her ears hone in on and she turns to see it was coming from Maz in the corner. Rey squints her eyes and looks over her shoulder but Maz waves her hand and nods, as if to say, _“Yes, you.”_

Rey takes a moment to look back to the bar where she left Ben nearly twenty minutes ago now to see he’s got a smirk on his face while he’s surrounded by Finn and Poe. Just looking at them Rey understands finally that it was Poe who Finn has been dating and wanting them all to meet. Her heart aches to join them and to share a lightness they all seem to possess but all of her just feels so heavy. So she finds herself easily drawn back to Maz’s booth instead.

“Twenty-two minutes,” Maz says as Rey swoops down to sit back at the table. 

“What?”

“That’s how long you were in that bathroom. _Twenty-two minutes._ ”

Rey sighs. “I know.”

“Is the boy giving you that much trouble you gotta hide from him?”

“No. That’s–” Rey starts but decides to let it go. The woman was looking for answers Rey wasn’t going to give. “I just needed a moment.”

“Well, he looked plenty worried while you were gone,” she nods to Ben at the bar. 

“I’m not hiding from him,” Rey says but it feels like a lie. Is that what she’s doing? Is she hiding?

“Sure,” Maz says, not sounding convinced and quickly asking another question that makes Rey even more uncomfortable. “Did you puke in one of my stalls?”

“No!” Rey says, nearly offended.

“You just thought about it?”

“Did you get any news?” Rey tries to change the topic, not in the mood to hear Maz’s theories about her. That’s not why she was spending her evening in a bar when she could be upstairs in sweats and sitting on a couch with a quiet bathroom in close proximity.

Maz ignores her attempt to evade questions by asking another question. “If I went and asked Dr. Erso about you, would she tell me what I think I already know?”

“What do you mean?” Rey plays dumb, trying not to let her throat seize on her.

“My dear, I’m old. I know how this world works more than most and that means I know people. I know people more than I like to because it means I know how bad they can be. But there are always some good ones too. Some are easier to see the good in... _like you_ . But then there’s that boy you came in with. He took me a little while, _years_ if I’m honest, but I see it now. He’s not who I thought he was. But now I see why...he’s got good in him. _Good_ that you helped bring out,”

Ben _was always_ good, Rey wants to say but his real name almost floods out of her again. She needed to stop doing that.

“I also know signs when I see them. And I know that in the nine years that boy has come to my place he has not once asked me for a favor and not once have I seen him rattled about anything the way he gets rattled about _you_.”

“Kylo is–”

“And then I get a good look at you... _finally._ And I start to understand how dire things must be,” Maz says, her eyes wandering to Rey’s stomach.

“Please,” Rey breathes out, feeling like she could burst into tears. 

“So, you’re keeping it then?”

Rey hugs her arms around herself instinctively, answering her question.

“You haven’t told him yet?” Maz asks, pushing her glasses up on her nose as she glances over to the bar. No doubt looking at Ben.

“No,” Rey croaks, looking down at the tablecloth instead. That was easier. “I don’t know how,” Rey admits.

Maz sighs. “Well, I wish there were guides for this sort of thing but there aren’t. I understand you must be scared...but you should know, if you plan to keep it, this feeling you have is never gonna go away. You’re never gonna stop being scared.”

Maz is right, Rey knows. She understands the risk is astronomical and to have any hope seems doomed. 

She feels Maz reach over and settle her hand over her own. But then Maz’s phone vibrates and her eyes trail over to the screen. ‘“Ah, in other news, I think your Crimson Dawn fan club is giving you some space.”

“What do you mean?”

“They fled. Maul is in Colombia.”

“Colombia?”

“His numbers were straggling and almost everyone that was too low on the ranks to get contracts out for them by now have scattered. They’re more afraid of the First Order than they are of Crimson Dawn so Maul is on his last leg. Word is...” Maz says, scrolling past something on her screen, “ _Cartagena._ He’s got some lingering buddies there he must be hiding with.”

“Cartagena,” Rey repeats. The mention of work pulling her as far from her worries as it can.

“Maybe you should go tell him.”

Rey freezes. “You mean–”

“I mean about Maul,” Maz clarifies. “But yes, I suggest you tell him sooner rather than later concerning the other matter.”  
“I will, I just–” Rey can’t really think of an excuse at the moment, other than she just doesn’t feel ready to.

Maz seems to understand though and she pats her on the hand once more. “There’s a lot to be afraid of, but you don’t have to feel that alone.”

Rey just nods. She thinks of asking if she can trust Maz won’t say anything to anyone but she knows she wouldn’t. Even though Rey doesn’t know her all too well, she does feel like she trusts this woman. 

“Thank you,” Rey says moving up from the booth. 

“Good luck. I know I’m supposed to be a neutral zone, but know I mean it when I say I’m rooting for you, dear.”

Rey can’t speak again. So she just nods a final time before turning away and making back for the bar. 

* * *

Rey appears rather suddenly beside him at the bar and he turns to her quickly.

“Hey,” he breathes, “You okay?”

She nods and gives him a smile but it looks a little forced. He wouldn’t know the difference if he wasn’t so acquainted with her real smiles, and instantly his heart thinks back to those photos they took in Japan. He missed the light feeling they had then. Ever since they had to leave, it seems like things have just been lingering in that tension. An uncertainty if they were going to be killed at any moment. And really, that was what they faced every day on the job. But perhaps Ben forgot the true risk they faced daily. They were so good at what they did. They worked alongside together so well, that he forgets how vulnerable they can be. He won’t make that mistake again. 

Maybe that’s what Rey’s been grappling with as well and it’s making her nervous.

But still...nervous enough to hide in the bathroom?

He has to remind himself that Rey is still so young and she was raised at Dathomir. Going to the bathroom for privacy was how she would get time to herself growing up. Which would explain why she’s been spending so much time in bathrooms lately.

Sometimes people prefer to be alone when they’re working through something. Ben’s been like that his whole life. He might as well have written the book on it. But he finds this time around, he prefers her company over his nervous solitude. But if Rey wants space, then he wasn’t going to crowd her. Or at least he’s trying not to.

If Finn notices worry in Rey’s countenance or her forceful smile, he doesn’t show it as he just beams and pats her on the back, urging her to face him and Poe. 

“Rey, I believe you’ve already met my boyfriend, Poe.”

“Of course. So good to see you again,” Rey smiles wide, extending her hand and exchanging niceties and compliments with the two men.

Ben watches the entire thing, his heart and his mind arguing with each other as he finds himself studying her. 

He doesn’t care if he’s only known her a handful of months, he _knows_ her. He’s shared more with her than he has with any other human being alive and she’s done the same with him. A true partnership in every meaning of the word. 

And yet she puzzles him at times. Times like these.

As Rey listens to Finn and Poe’s story of how they met in the lobby upstairs, Ben settles a hand at her back, beckoning her to him and sighing in relief when she adjusts to lean her weight against him, almost like she’s tired. As if she’s been on her feet for too long even though they got here less than an hour ago.

“Are you feeling alright, Rey?” Finn asks her and Ben’s stomach churns as he hears the words that he’s dying to ask come from someone else.

“What?” Rey asks, sounding confused. Like she couldn’t hear him.

“Your leg?” Finn clarifies after taking another sip of his drink and looking down at where she still has bandages wrapped around her calf. “I see he’s not carrying you anymore. Must be an improvement.”

“Oh,” Rey chuckles and Ben can feel how her own body relaxes against him. He thought he imagined it but she was so tense. “Yeah, no, it’s doing a lot better,” she says before she looks up at him and he stares down at her curiously. “He still insists carrying me sometimes though.”

Ben smirks at her, too tempted not to. “And that doesn’t count the times you fall asleep and don’t notice.”

She scoffs. “You just _think_ I don’t notice,” she tells him.

“Aww, they’re cute,” Poe says, nudging Finn. 

“I know. You should see what they look like when I bring up room service and they’re stuffed into the sweatshirts I brought for them.”

Ben chuckles. As kind as it was for Finn to loan them his things, Ben was dying to get back to their own things. 

Just then, before Ben could retort, the song changes and both Finn and Poe set their drinks down to move to the dancefloor.

“Rey, come on. We need a professional to balance out how bad we are.”

“I don’t think me dancing next to you lot is gonna make you look any better. I think I’ll sit this one out.”

“Oh come on! Rey, you have to!”

“Finn, don’t make me remind you her leg was shot just days ago,” Poe laughs at him.

“Oh right,” Finn shakes his head at himself. “Oof, I should stop drinking,” he giggles before turning back for the dancefloor with Poe. 

Ben waits until they’re gone before he looks back to her, “Good?” he asks her, the slight croak in his voice has little to do with his healing throat.

She gives a sigh and he leans closer, certain she would finally unveil it all to him. 

“Maz called me over on the way back from the bathroom.”

“What?” He didn’t expect to hear that. He hadn’t even noticed. “What did she say?”

Rey fiddles with the corner of the napkin his empty glass was sitting on. “They fled to Cartagena. Maul didn’t have much left here. _He’s hiding._ ”

Ben stiffens. “Fuck,” he breathes out. “What else did she say? Why didn’t she call me over with you?”

Rey shrugs but her eyes don’t meet his. “I don’t know. I was walking past and she caught my attention.”

“She probably hates me,” Ben quickly deduces.

Rey’s chuckles, turning to face him as she then starts to fiddle with the lapels of his jacket instead. “No. She would have told us to piss off if she did. There’s a reason she helped us.”

Ben smiles, his hands sneaking around to her hips. Maybe he had too much to drink, he wonders trying to remember if he had three or four. “She probably just feels sorry for you. To see such a promising young woman stuck with the likes of me,” he teases.

“I doubt that,” she says, her smile falling a bit...like she was offended on his own behalf. 

He nods, wishing they weren’t in public. Or even this more guarded version of public.

Her words of what’s become of their supposed hunters now more potent as he realizes they could be free to leave.

“Cartagena, then?”

Rey nods, looking down. “Yeah...I imagine Snoke will expect us to finish this all then?”

“Yeah…” Ben tells her somberly. “But the good news is, this means we can go back home.”

“Home,” Rey says warmly.

He wants to hold her close when he hears her say that word. Their word. It always seems so dreamy when it comes from her. Even if _home_ for them wasn’t as much a place as it was a feeling. But maybe that feeling would be more potent if they could return to their actual _place._

An apartment that once seemed no different than the impersonal hotel rooms he would stay in was now home base for them.

“I think...I’d like to go home,” Rey tells him, even quieter than before, her head leaning further into her hand. She seems so tired.

“Now?”

She shrugs but he knows she meant it. He’s been hoping she will reveal more of what’s been on her mind so when she tells him this so directly, he wasn’t about to ignore it.

He nods, resisting the urge to kiss her.

“Home,” he assures her.

* * *

Rey felt like it took forever to get back to the apartment but every time she checks the time, it’s only been a matter of minutes. They bid Poe and Finn farewell, thanking Finn into oblivion for all his help. Finn seemed sad to see them go as Rey could tell he wanted the night to be a bigger affair but he understood they had business to attend to. Finn hugged her goodbye and whispered, “Take care, peanut,” and it made Rey want to tear up for some reason. But in Rey’s limited knowledge and discrete research, she knows she’s inclined to be more hormonal anyway. 

Finn got one of the hotel drivers to give them a secure ride back to Ben’s building. The presence of the third figure in the vehicle meant it was long and quiet ride...especially because Ben just kept looking at her like she's a lost puppy or something. His brows all knitted and chewing on the inside of his cheek. Little nervous quirks of his she knows so well now.

Part of her wonders if he suspects already. But she also knows how new all of this was to him as well and he may not be able to interpret things for what they are. Because Ben clearly hadn’t considered protection either. Rey wonders why he hadn't and for a while, she was mad at him for it. But she hadn't thought of it either and she knows, from that first time that he was experienced as she was. Which is to say they weren't so they didn't exactly have the mental checklist down of things to consider then or the countless occasions since.

Rey feels really stupid for not considering it earlier but it didn’t exactly matter anymore.

Ben squeezes her hand when he wants her to look at him and she does. And each time he seems more and more concerned. 

So when it happens once again in the elevator and he has yet to say anything, she knows the impending conversation that awaits them once they reach the privacy of the apartment. 

The conversation she decidedly doesn’t want to have because she knows she’ll just start crying. She’ll just end up telling him and she doesn’t know what comes after that. Well, Rey does know but she wasn’t ready for it.

Her heart is beating out of her chest as he unlocks the door and she tries to think of a way to avoid this. 

“You know you can talk to me,” he says as the door closes behind them. “Tell me you know that.”

“I know that.”

“Even if it’s about _me_.”

“Ben–”

“If it’s me, I wanna do better. You don’t have to tell me but you don’t have to feel alone either. We’re partners.”

“No, Ben. You’re fine. You’re great! And I’m fine too.”

“But you don’t seem like you are,” he says and it makes her want to burst into tears but she pointedly looks away from him, kicking her shoes off and taking off her coat to throw over the side of the couch.

She just wants to get out of these clothes and try to forget for a moment. She just wants to pretend like everything doesn’t scare the shit out of her. She wants to pretend like it was just them, coming home after a long day, and that they were just some regular couple. _Normal._

How many times was she going to think that? Fucking ‘normal.’ 

_Was that even possible?_

She feels his hand settle on her arm as the impending question begins again.

“Rey, are you sure you’re-“

Rey doesn’t want to hear him ask that question anymore. She doesn’t want to lie. She doesn’t want to keep wishing for everything to be different. She wants it to be just them. 

So she spins around, reaching for him as she presses to her toes and kisses him fiercely. 

* * *

Ben nearly gets knocked back in surprise as she launches herself into his arms. 

Her lips crash against his as she tries as well as she can to reach his height, partially by pulling him down to her.

His hands pull her closer. His mind is spiraling but keeping hold of her seems the only thing he can do. 

_This isn’t talking,_ his mind manages to tell himself. 

But everything else drowns out as he pulls her into his arms, hoisting her up until her legs wrap around him. This way he wasn’t leaning over so much. 

His feet move on their own accord until he reaches the table and he sets her on the edge, managing to pull away and try to get a look at her face.

“Rey–” he breathes out.

“Please,” she grounds out before pressing kisses to his throat.

_Is this what she needs? Is this how he can reassure her he’s here with her?_

His body starts to convince him before he can get his own stream of logical thoughts in order as every passing second, every hitch of her breath and insistent kiss on his skin convinces him that, _yes,_ _this is what she needs from me._

This is the comfort she wants and how he can be here for her. 

Perhaps it is just the relief of coming back here and knowing they were still in one piece that makes her feel like this. He feels a similar relief in knowing they were here, as well as a relief in hopes that this is her showing him what he can do. This which they can give each other.

It’s a method of coping he’s new at. Before, it would just be bourbon, but now he’s got her and he does not take her trust in him lightly. 

Or the way she desires to share this with him for that matter. He never thought anyone would want him the way she does, and Ben doubted he’d ever find this but now he has it and it’s addicting. The fact that this is how she wants to be with him lets him feel like perhaps this was the best he could do. To be with her and let her take on what she feels in himself. Maybe not with words but with this new language that was still exciting and new and exhilarating.

And in his own brain, he realizes just how much he would like to get lost in her. His earlier worries fade easier than they should as he convinces himself this is what she’s asking for. _This is what she wants,_ this is what he can give her, and Ben tells himself it’s what will help.

“Ben,” she breathes in his ear as he feels her hands pulling at his tie and buttons.

Ben yanks his jacket off and pulls the tie over his head to assist her before his own hands start to pull insistently at her shirt. But she’s already fiddling with his belt. 

He’s not sure they’re going to make it to the bedroom and the thought of staying here on the table incites a new wave of pleasure in him. Enough to match her speed in ridding just as much as they need to so they can find relief as soon as possible. 

So he quickly finishes wrestling with the clasp of her bra. 

Ben helps her pull it away and toss it aside before his hand comes between them, settling on her breast and seizing the soft shape of her in his palm. He savors the way her breath hitches. She arches further against him and the hand that was settled at the waistband of his boxers slips inside and gripping him firmly.

His knees feel a little weak the second she does and he’s glad her weight settled on the table so he didn’t drop her. “Rey,” he breathes out, his brain not even recalling what he had been so worried about a few minutes ago. 

Driven by a sudden urgency, he pushed her skirt up and only has the presence of mind to shove her underwear to the side and trace past her center which makes her shudder. He tries to hold off as long as he can, touching her the way he does before his self-control depletes in an instant when she breathes out his name again. 

So he helps her free himself from his boxers and with a single roll of his hips, he buries himself inside her. And when he does they both moan out at the feeling they had both been rushing to get to.

Usually, he starts off fairly slow as he still doesn’t trust his body to betray him and finish in a matter of seconds. But Rey’s hips and hands and moans urge him to find a faster rhythm almost immediately. The bowl of fake fruit that has been the centerpiece of the dining table since he bought the apartment spills over with all the commotion and the plastic apple rolls off and lands on his foot. But he ignores it. 

It’s just them now. And as safe as the Castle was guaranteed to be, he feels better here. Maybe it was just because now he feels more confident they’re not going to be shot at in the street when they walk out.

But like everything, he realized even if Maul was in Colombia, there were plenty of people all over the planet that would like nothing more than to kill them. Kill Rey. 

That thought alone frightens him and the only way to push it away from his mind is to get lost further in her and he thrusts into her faster. 

Her nails sink into his back as he does, and her legs tighten around him. She moans in his ear and he groans, trying to hold on as well as he can. To make it last at least until he feels her climb as high as she can.

And when she does, she takes him with her as he seizes her hips, bringing himself as deep as he can in a few final thrusts before he finishes with a loud groan in the sound of her name.

He’s trying to catch his breath as he settles on top of her for a moment, her breaths panting in his ear. He feels so safe with her. Safer than the Castle or any Continental could ever be. 

He presses sloppy kisses where he could, beneath her ear and in the crook of her shoulder. 

“I don’t want you to leave…” she breathes out.

“What?” he didn’t hear her right, he thinks. He brings a hand to her cheek, urging her to say it again. He’s still boneless and exhaustion pulls over him more and more. Enough that he should be more concerned about relocating them before he fell asleep half draped over her on the table. “S-Sweetheart?” he manages.

“I…” she closes her eyes tight and a single tear streams into her hair, making him stiffen in worry. “I don’t want to lose you.”

_Is that what she’s been worried about?_

She’s scared to lose him the way he could have lost her that day in the park?

He kisses her softly. “You won’t. I’m here,” he promises.

“Things change,” she rasps out. “You could–”

“Rey, I’ve been doing this a long time. I’m not going anywhere.”

He thought that answer would have been what she wanted to hear, but as he watches her face, her lip trembles. “I’m so scared,” she says before hiding behind her hands and sobbing.

Ben’s heart breaks as he stands up straight, pulling her with him so he could hug her tightly. He’s not sure what to say at that moment. He’s not sure what about tonight would make her so emotional when it seemed like they got some good news for once. 

So he just holds her close and lets her know he’s here as much as he can. Because it seems her fears are the same as his.

_Losing each other._

* * *

Had Ben heard Rey clearly that first time though, he would have realized Rey was referring to Ben leaving on his own accord that haunts her. And Rey fears the news she really needs to share with him would do just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, Ben's lusty mind gave in too fast and was like, "Ahh, who needs to have a conversation when we can just defile the table?" 
> 
> He just still gets surprised that she's into him lmao
> 
> BTW ummm so I took a looooong break from Tumblr because it was just too emotional for me as things seem to have really died down there but if you follow me there, you might notice that I've been ranting a lot about TROS bitterness again. I think that anniversary effect shit is real because I seem to be revertiing back to my 3am "Ben Solo is dead/Rey is a Palpatine-Skywalker-Jedi-person and I hate it/Why aren't Finn and Poe gay?/Where are the Reylo babies?/Where is the logic?/Where is my sweet baby Rose?/Why have you done this to Rian?" sadness. If you can relate, bitch, I feel you. 
> 
> If you think I'm wordy in my fics, I get really wordy in my rants. I'll spare you here but I have a feeling that I'll be spewing a lot of feelings on there because my family members are too exhausted to hear me cry about it anymore and it gives me an outlet. 
> 
> Anyways, back to this story!! I know Ben doesn't know the news yet but cut Rey some slack. She's very scared and not sure how to do any of this and her fear of abandonment still stings so just give her a minute.


	21. Festering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how I feel about this one but I’m gonna post it anyway.

Ben looks in the window from the hallway to see the kids all huddled around the bed. They look so broken. So devastated and frightened. Everything he never wanted them to feel. Everything he swore to protect them from. 

Theo is sleeping half on Rey’s bed, holding to her hand. 

_They shot her cause of me…It’s my fault._

Theo’s words haunt him. It hurts so much to think Theo feels responsible, especially when Ben feels like the real blame belongs to him.

But he knows the person really responsible is out there... _Eldridge Hux._ Ben’s fingernails sink into his palms as he wants nothing more than to find this prick and fucking end him.

“Ben,” Lando says lowly, setting a hand on his shoulder. “You’re scaring me.”

“ _I’m_ scaring you?” Ben asks him, wondering how right now anyone could be worried about anything besides Rey. _Besides his babies._

“You got _that look_ to you. Tell me what you’re thinking,” Lando urges gently. 

He’s been here with them all day now. He’s sat in with them and cried with them and fretted over Rey. Fretted over the kids.

But now Lando is fretting over him. And Ben already knows what he means. And he knows lying to him won’t help anything. 

Ben sighs. “I know who did this,” he says under his breath, looking down to the linoleum.

“Ben,” Lando says in a warning tone of voice. Like suddenly he’s six years old with half his hand in the cookie jar. “Before you get too ahead of yourself–”

“I know what you’re going to say...and you’re right. I’m thinking about it too,” Ben says, glancing back to his family in the window. “I can’t leave them like this. Not now...and I don’t want to. But the guy responsible…” Ben shakes his head as he tries to fight down the urge to scream. “I know who he is. I know where to find him. His father...I used to work with him,” Ben whispers. 

Lando braces his shoulders, ensuring he looks at him directly. When he speaks, his voice is so quiet. “Are you telling me someone did this to her intentionally? A hit, or the like?” Lando asks, sounding terrified. 

Ben shrugs. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think it had more to do with the Falcon than anything else. Rey was just there and then Theo, he–” Ben cuts himself off before he cries again. “All I know is that the guy that did this, his father is going to know what his son has done, and when he finds out, he’s going to do what he always did. He’s going to come stick his nose where he shouldn’t.”

“Son of a bitch,” Lando slumps, moving away to pace a little in the hallway. 

“I am not going to let anything else come close to them when he does come knocking, begging me not to hunt his son down and murder him. I’m not letting anyone else hurt them,” Ben says, his voice cracking a little. “It seems counterproductive but I need to do this. I need to get to him before he gets to me because I’m not letting them have to face any more of the world I never wanted them to be aware of.”

“‘ _Get to him?_ ’” Lando whispers. “What does that mean? I imagine you don’t mean _talking_?”

Ben grits his teeth. “His son shot my wife,” Ben growls. Some of the nearby staff turn to look at them. Ben settles a hand on Lando’s shoulder, pulling him further down the hallway for more attempted privacy.

“Listen, Ben, I understand. Actually, I don’t, I just know that right now you must be dealing with a lot of emotions that tie in with a lot of who you used to be before you came back to us. But chasing after it doesn’t really seem like the best idea. What are you going to tell _them_?” Lando asks, gesturing back to the room. “Ben, they need you now more than ever.”

“I know that,” Ben says, his tears spilling over. “Of course I know that. But if I don’t do this, I risk the possibility of losing all of them and I am not willing to risk that.”

Lando shakes his head, looking sad and confused. “How can you be sure of that? And besides...you’re willing to risk yourself? You’re willing to risk that they lose both you and Rey?”

“Rey’s not going anywhere. She’s going to wake up,” Ben insists, knowing he needs to stay optimistic about that because if his brain gives up hope on her then he’s not sure what will be keeping him from screaming in the middle of the hospital.

“I know. I know,” Lando nods. “But she’s still...Ben, you know what I was trying to say. You don’t want anything else to hurt them but suppose you leave and get yourself killed. Where does that leave them then?”

“I’m thinking about this! I am! And I know the risk of it all but you don’t know this world, Lando. There’s a reason Rey and I had to run when she got pregnant with Lydia. This world, this world Rey and I used to be in, doesn’t care about anything that we care about. It’s why they attacked Rey and Theo the way they did. People don’t matter in this world. They’re a means to an end. All that matters is who’s on top. And in this case, the people in question, the guy responsible is the son of the fucker that’s found himself there.”

Lando shakes his head. “I don’t understand this. If they’re on top why are they breaking into houses and stealing cars?”

“You know how valuable and rare the Falcon is. They probably saw us and decided they’d take it,” Ben says sadly, suddenly thinking back to the group of guys from the gas station. The man with the Russian accent had come into the shop while he and Mae were picking out the pretzels. And he recalls hearing Rey speak to one of them outside but he missed most of what happened. When he asked her about them she brushed it off, instead showing him the email from Lydia’s teacher and he got so caught up in that he realizes he never realized what had happened.

“Rey and Theo were just the obstacles in the way of getting our car. It didn’t matter how they got it,” Ben says sadly. “And when this guy’s father finds out what’s happened, I don’t trust his judgment enough to know that Lydia and Mae won’t be next. Even though it pains me and it goes against every instinct I have to charge back in there,” Ben points back to Rey’s room where the kids were, “and to hold them and never let go, I have to do this. If I don’t then...then it could be too late. And no matter what I promised Rey I’d keep them safe. _Always.”_

Lando pulls him into a hug. “I know, kid. I know you did.”

“And I failed...so now I have to do what I can to keep us as safe as I can.”

“I’m sorry, kid,” Lando rasps out. The way Lando says this makes Ben want to sob into his shoulder like he’s a child. But he has to be strong. He has to keep himself together or he’d never make it out of this building. So he pulls away and looks to him earnestly. He can’t do this without Lando’s help.

“I want you to take them to my mom’s house,” Ben says. “Can you do that?”

“Of course. But do you think that’s safer? Would anyone know where I live anyway?”

“I don’t know. I just...it’ll make me feel better. Please.”

“Alright, kid.”

“You still have a key?” Ben asks, knowing it’s been a while since they returned to his childhood home. After Leia passed he kept the estate as it was passed down to him. Ben never had the heart to sell it or rent it out. It was theirs. It made them feel safe back when he came home. Back when he and Rey were terrified and expecting a baby and had nowhere to go. He hopes it will make the kids feel safer too. 

If his mom were alive, Ben knows she’d want the kids there. If Rey were awake she would feel the same, or at least that’s what Ben tells himself to assure him it was the right decision. 

Besides, the house was probably a mess and Ben doubts Theo would want to step foot in it after what just happened there.

Just thinking of his son in that situation makes Ben want to cry harder but he tries to compose himself as he faintly registers the nurses rushing past them. 

“I just need to get them some things from the house and then you can take them. I want them to clean up, eat something, and get some real rest in a real bed. Jyn and Cassian will keep us all updated on Rey. You can bring them back if they want to see her or sit with her. Tell them not to worry about school this week. I can call the schools and tell them they’ll be absent.”

“How long are you going to be gone?” Lando asks, wiping at his eyes.

“A couple of days,” Ben shrugs, but it reminds him of Rey and what Cassian had said. For all he knows, by the time this is all over with and he comes home she could be awake and pulling him into her arms. What he wouldn’t give to have her smack him and tell him what an idiot he is before she kisses him and he tells her how much he missed her. How scared he was for her. His heart twists at the way it plays out in his mind.

He wants to just open his eyes and find himself there now. With Rey and the kids, all of them safe.

But he’ll have to fight his way there, it seems. Just as Rey will too. She’s just on a different kind of journey than he is.

* * *

Lydia gets up from the chair but as she does, Mae snags her hand. 

_“Where_ going?” she rasps, half signing with her free hand.

 _“Going to find dad,”_ Lydia signs.

 _“Daddy sad,”_ Mae signs back and Lydia’s not sure why...but she isn’t wrong. 

Dad was sad.

“I’m just going to see what’s happening. I’ll be right back, okay?”

Mae nods and Lydia gives her a smile, helping her to wrap her in the thin hospital blanket Jyn had brought her.

She steps out to see dad and Lando further down the hallway talking. She is hesitant to go too far from the room. She didn’t want to leave her sister. Or her brother and her mom for that matter, but Lydia is scared and she wants to know what happens next. It’s not like the movies or any of her books or whatever. She’s not sure what the right thing to do is or what she’s supposed to do. And it seems dad has that same problem. 

“I’m gonna go get them stuff at the house but stay here with them and–”

“Ben,” Lando interrupts dad, nodding in her direction and he turns around to see her.

“Dad?”

“Hey,” he says gently, holding out a hand, urging her to join them. “Is Mae asleep?”

“No, she’s…she’s awake. I just wanted to see what was going on,” she says looking up at the two of them. “Y-You’re going back home?”

Her dad kneels down a little so he’s closer to her eye level. “I’m gonna go get some things for the three of you and then Lando is going to take you to grandma’s house.”

 _Grandma’s house?_ They haven’t been there in so long. But was he not coming with them?

“If you’re staying with mom, I want to stay too,” Lydia says instantly, grabbing hold of his hand and refusing to let go. Where he goes, she goes. She wonders if this is what Mae feels like and why she wants to follow her everywhere. Mae must feel safer with her but Lydia feels like she doesn’t have any true safety to offer.

“I’m not–” dad starts to say before his head slumps and he sighs. 

Lando pats him on the back. “Ben, I’ll go sit with Mae and Theo,” he says, stepping back down the hallway.

“Thank you,” dad croaks as his hands settle on Lydia’s shoulders. He’s going to tell her something. And Lydia can already tell it’s not going to be good.

“Lydia, I have something very serious I need to do and it’s going to take a few days. Lando is going to take the three of you to grandma’s house but he’ll bring you here to visit mom and I’ll make sure Jyn and Cassian–”

“What do you mean?” Lydia croaks, feeling her throat seize on her again and she starts to cry. What could be more serious than this? Why is he leaving for _days_? “Where are you going?”

Her dad’s jaw clenches like he’s decided not to tell her and Lydia gives a small sob in confusion. He instantly hugs her closer.

“Lydia, I can’t...I can’t tell you. I don’t want to lie to you but I also can’t really explain it.”

“Is it about mom?” Surely dad wouldn’t be doing anything but trying to help mom or them. It would be too cruel if the first time he has to go on a business trip for their editing job would come up now.

“Yes,” dad answers. “It is. But it’s a little complicated and I would just feel a lot better if the three of you stayed with Uncle Lando in a house that’s safe and you all feel comfortable at.”

Lydia knows he means that for Theo. Lydia wonders if Theo is ever going to want to be in their living room ever again. Not after what he went through with mom. 

“But I’m gonna go home just to pack you guys some things to make you all more comfortable so if you want to help me make a list of things so I don’t forget any–”

“Can I come with you?” Lydia says without really thinking but she means it.

“Sweetheart, I would feel a lot better if–”

“Dad, please. I want to help.”

Dad huffs and for a moment and she thinks he’s going to say no again, but he looks so tired and like Mae said, _sad,_ so he must give in. 

“Okay...but you need to stay close to me and do what I say, alright?”

Dad speaks to her like she’s three years old and he’s taking her to the zoo. It’s odd to think that he’s talking about just going home but he doesn’t feel safe anymore. 

Like home wasn’t home anymore or something.

But Lydia just nods. “Okay.”

And Lydia feels like she understands why. Mae held her hand to feel safe. Lydia goes to her dad now to find safety. But he seems to think he’s inadequate of offering for the same reason that Lydia can’t give it to Mae. 

Because usually, it’s mom who holds his hand and makes him feel safe to begin with. So if dad didn’t feel safe, Lydia supposes none of them would.

* * *

It’s dusk when Ben pulls up in their driveway. They’re in Jyn and Cassian’s SUV they had loaned him. Lydia is in the passenger seat beside him.

There is caution tape and trash from the crime scene investigators blowing all over the lawn. They had left earlier this morning he knows. He had spoken to one of the detectives on the phone. But now Ben knows there’s nothing they could do. The people responsible were higher than the law. Hux still lived in the world where evidence was bought, killed, or flat out ignored. The world where memories or inquiries were erased by either more money, more punches, or more manipulation. 

A world Ben wishes he could forget. But as he looks at his home, he realizes he can’t. Because it’s come knocking, quite literally, at their door.

He can’t imagine what Rey must have felt like when she realized what was happening. After all these years they’ve been doing everything they can to ensure their safety. All those times he spent looking over his shoulder in the grocery store, doing back ground checks on families before he let the kids go on play dates, or panicking when he lost sight of them at the park, and it turned out to be in their own fucking living room that something finally came for them. It came and he wasn’t there to help. He wasn’t there to take the bullet and now his wife is in a coma.

It makes him look to his daughter beside him, wishing she didn’t have to deal with any of it. She didn’t deserve this. Just as Theo didn’t. As Mae didn’t...any of them. 

“Stay close to me when we go inside. I want you to hold my hand and keep your eyes closed until we get upstairs, okay? We’re going to make this quick.”

In case there was still blood from the kitchen or the living room or whatever else, he didn’t want Lydia to see it. And even if they did clean it up, the shatters of their home was already enough. Ben hopes he can keep himself together for the sake of making this trip fast. He shouldn’t have let her come but he couldn’t say _no._ She looked so broken and confused. Lydia is so smart and to say he’s got some things to do for the next few days really wasn’t going to work on her. 

He thinks back to their conversation on Jyn and Cassian’s couch. When he told her that if she had questions, she was free to ask them. 

If he could eat his fucking words...talk about timing.

But the car ride was quiet. He knows she must have a thousand questions but she hasn’t asked them. Maybe she understood when he told her he can’t tell her, because he didn’t want to lie. Perhaps that was too honest to tell a twelve-year-old even but that’s the thing about the oldest. She’s already so grown up and helps with her siblings that sometimes Ben probably says too much. Just because she wasn’t little like Mae didn’t mean she wasn’t still _little._ She’s still a kid. There was just as much he had to protect her from. Even from information. Even from him.

Rey was always right. He couldn’t say no to the kids. He shouldn’t have brought her but she only wanted to help him pack and if he’s honest, he needed it. Maybe it helps that she’s here so he’ll be less inclined to fall over and sob amongst their broken home. He had to be strong for her.

So they get out of the car and Lydia takes his hand like he said and shuts her eyes. He steps back through the house and Ben’s heart might have broken all over again but its shattered remains can’t really break any further. Still, the sight of his home, this place where he’s seen his family grow, was in shambles and it’s fucking painful. Especially when he finds Theo’s drum sticks on the stairs, realizing he must have dropped them here. He picks them up, putting them in his back pocket. 

“Dad?” Lydia breathes out confused.

Instinctively, he pulls Lydia closer to him, tucking her face into his shirt to ensure she wouldn’t peak. He really didn’t want her to see any of this. 

He tries to stay focused. “Why don’t you pack some things for you and Mae? I’ll put a bag together for Theo. I need to get a new shirt and maybe even some things for mom,” he says instinctively but already he’s not sure what he would get for Rey. 

“Okay...how many days of stuff do I get.”

“Uhh…” Ben doesn’t know but he tries to give an answer. “Just a few days or so. Three tops.”

“What about you? Don’t you need to pack to for...whatever you’re doing?”

He knows she’s fishing for answers subtly. Answers he won’t give. But she’s right. He did need to pack. Things of which he kept packed away for good reason. He wasn’t using them anymore. But he would have to circle back around here anyway and get his own things later. He wasn’t going to chance packing a bulletproof vest and guns with Lydia around. 

“I’ll be fine,” he says. “Just get some things for your sister that she might need. Her blanket and the little nightlight she sleeps with. You can plug it in at grandma’s house for her,” Ben tells her. Mae couldn’t sleep without her little star-shaped nightlight. "When we go back down I'll get the chargers and all the extra batteries for her hearing aids."

"What about school stuff?"

"Don't worry about that right now."

“Okay,” Lydia says, concern still in her voice.

"Just get your things together and wait for me before we go back downstairs...you wait for me, okay?"

"Okay, dad," she says before letting go of him and stepping down the hallway to her room. 

Ben quickly steps into Theo’s. He sees the closet was still open and Ben wonders for a moment how his son must have felt when he was in here alone and hearing what was happening downstairs. He must have been so afraid. Ben’s hands shake as he grabs one of his empty backpacks off the back of his door and starts to pack for him. It’s the only thing keeping him from fucking sobbing.

He packs him his favorite pajamas and socks. He wants him to feel comfortable as he can. He takes the drum sticks out of his pocket to slide them in safely. Looking around the room, Ben sees his headphones on his desk, as well as his little synthesizer. Ben packs them too.

He thinks back to Rey’s birthday when Theo composed that song for her on the little device. Rey had cried she loved it so much.

Theodore had such a talent and passion for music and they loved that about him so much. Ben feels so lucky that his children have such wholesome interests. They were so different than him. Even if Rey tells him that’s not true, Ben wonders if he pursued music or science or art if it would have kept him from feeling like he had to do something drastic and join literally the most sinister company in the country. Or the world even. 

But he can’t think like that for too long. If he had done anything else, he never would have met her. He never would have been her partner. 

Forging past his feelings as well as he can, he steps back into the hallway for his and Rey’s room. He’s not sure what to get but he figured he’ll just get her some things to make her more comfortable. Maybe so when she wakes up she sees they tried to make it a bit more homey for her.

Because she will wake up. _She will._

He sets Theo’s backpack on the end of the bed.

He makes a quick detour to discard Cassian’s gym shirt that was too small to grab one of his own plainer undershirts from the drawers beneath the TV before moving for Rey’s nightstand.

He admires how she has it all situated. He opts for Mae’s paper mache vase and Lydia’s handmade shell frame with the happy beach picture in it. He sets them gently beside Theo’s bag and considers what else would fit on the much smaller bedside-table in the hospital. Even if she won’t really know these things are there, he feels it’s important.

She has another frame she’s had on her side for years. One of their old polaroids from Japan. Ben picks it up, looking at it closely.

He looks so much younger in the photo, maybe because his face was shaved and there are no flecks of silver in his dark hair but he looks so happy. He remembers taking this one, right after she bought the camera and they were just strolling. 

He has his arm hooked around her and pulled her against him as he rested his cheek on top of her head as he held the camera out ahead of them. 

It seemed so natural to do so. Even though he hated taking pictures up until then. But it all changed. He realized he could find a way to stop and save these small moments with her that would last forever. 

It had been in the beginning when he was still amazed that he felt as happy as he did with her. 

He still pinches himself on most days when he wakes up next to her.

Is heart aches for more and his feet move on their own accord towards their closet past the bathroom. They kept more of those pictures tucked away and he has the desperate urge to look at them. He moves past their usual and current wardrobe towards the very back, where they kept their older mementos of things they didn’t have the heart to get rid of even if they are from the old days. Even the lighting in the closet didn’t quite reach these corners. As if it knew that these were meant to stay in darkness.   
  
But Ben doesn’t think it applies properly to everything. Including some of the old clothes that were tailored for her in Spain. 

He passes one of her black suits, adjacent to a collection of his own. She always looked so striking in them. Deadly. 

There’s the dress she wore in Rome. Not that he likes to give the dress all the credit but it certainly progressed things for them on that fateful evening when they both confessed their feelings for the first time. 

When they first made love.

Sniffling, Ben reaches for it, admiring the velvet softness of it once more. And it’s like touching it sends him back to that night. When he was pressed up against her on that crowded dancefloor with the music blaring but all he could register was how close she was and how soft her dress felt beneath his palms. 

It’s what made him tell her he loved her that first time and Ben smirks as he thinks of it now.

But then his heart stops as he sees the next thing tucked away, hidden in shadow and behind a big coat and Ben realizes how long it’s been since he’s seen it.

Rey’s old bomber jacket. 

He audibly gasps, reaching out for it and pulling it from the hangar until he’s holding it in his hands. 

She wore this that first day he met her. The day he took her from Dathomir.

She wore it the night she learned the truth about her parents. 

She wore it in that picture of them he had just been looking at. The one from Japan. 

_Pictures._ He forgot he had come here for pictures so he cranes his neck, looking up on the shelf to see the little storage box that he knew his wife kept.

 _Keepsakes,_ she called them.

Ben throws the jacket over his shoulder, not in the mood to put it back on the hangar. But he sniffles, less from the dust and more from what he sees when he opens it. 

There’s the little stack of pictures safely tucked to the side. Pictures he and Rey deliberately kept private from the other ones because they’re a little more _revealing_ than some of their other more innocent ones.

Ben picks them up to look, the one on top is a picture of them in the bathroom he later destroyed after he got handcuffed to the toilet by Savage. But they look so happy here as he hugs her tight and she takes a snapshot of their reflection. Her beaming grin seen just over his shoulder where she was peaking with the camera as he hugged her. He was smirking against the side of her face...all while his towel had fallen away. They had laughed so hard about his ass at the time but looking at it now, all Ben can really take notice of are the tattoos that he’s not even trying to hide. Because he was still in the middle of all of it. They were the same tattoos Rey was supposed to get but never did and he’s so fucking grateful she didn’t have to. Because he wasn’t able to spare her from her brand.

Anyway, that’s why these pictures were hidden away. A mix of them being the equivalent to two horny teenagers and also the fact that they were blatantly still in an atmosphere that haunted them. In a few of them, Ben notices they can see their guns in the background or a collection of knives. Things that would raise questions to anyone that’s never worked as an assassin. 

Ben sets them aside with a sigh, everything swirling in his mind, giving him a headache. Maybe looking at these photos were a bad idea, so he moves to the next thing. His hand trails to the rest of the box where Rey’s dress was. 

The little white slip dress she wore the day they got married. Ben’s tears spill over as he looks at it once more, feeling how soft it still was. The silky material sends him back to that day. Almost thirteen years ago exactly. It would be officially so in just a handful of weeks. Their anniversary. Ben stifles a sob as he wonders if she’ll be awake by then.

Ben opens his eyes, his tears falling onto the dress. Gently, he removes the dress and sets the box down so he could hold it gently. 

He thinks of the promises he made to her that day. The day she married him.

As impromptu as that had been, it was the best decision Ben had ever made...proposing to her when he did. She had been glowing and looked so beautiful. No picture could ever do her justice from that day. But the way she stood before him and swore to a life with him, he would forever keep her safe in his memory of that day.

His lip trembles as he brings the fabric to his face and sobs into it. 

“I’m sorry,” he cries into it. He apologizes for everything because he swore to keep them safe and he failed. And now the person that needs to hear these words, the person that he’s actually speaking to, is stuck in a slumber only she can awake herself from.

“I’m so sorry, Rey.”

“Dad?”

Ben stiffens, trying to compose himself but not ready to turn around and face Lydia. He hates that she has to see him like this. 

“Yeah?” he answers, still holding the dress and Rey’s old jacket still thrown over his shoulder.

“Do you need help?” she asks him softly.

“No,” he croaks out, kneeling down to tuck the dress safely back in the box before he finds the strength to look at her. She’s standing with her own backpack over her shoulders but was holding Mae’s Hello Kitty duffle bag in her hands 

Lydia. His oldest. The baby that changed it all. He tries to give her a smile but he knows all she must notice is the fact that his eyes are probably red. 

“Did you get everything packed?” he asks, remembering he was supposed to be in a hurry.

She nods. “I got our toothbrushes and stuff too.”

“Thank you,” he tells her, turning off the light in the closet and walking back to the bedroom.

“What’s that?”

He looks down at her, wondering what she was referring to but she points to the jacket still on his shoulder. He smiles as he holds it out to show her. 

“This is your mom’s,” he says as proudly as he can without his voice cracking. 

Lydia’s eyes admire it. He holds it out, offering it so it could explain itself. He couldn’t talk just then. She reaches out to touch it and she smiles at the feel of it. “This is mom’s?”

“Yeah. She’s had it a long time. She was even wearing it the day I first met her,” Ben recalls with a whisper.

He lets Lydia take hold of it once she settles Mae’s bag on the ground. She holds the jacket tenderly, similar to how he had held Rey’s wedding dress.

And he doesn’t know why but at that moment, Ben realizes just how much she looks like Rey. He sees her every day and it’s impossible not to see the resemblance but maybe it had something to do with the absence of Rey or the traumatic series of events that makes Lydia look so much like her it’s almost eerie.

“It’s so cool,” Lydia says softly, looking fondly to the embroidered tiger on the back.

“Why don’t you keep it safe for her?” Ben offers. It should be worn and remembered instead of stashed away in the closet. And it was just the sort of thing Lydia would love.

“Really?” Lydia says, looking hopeful.

Ben nods. “Yeah, she’d want you to.”

Lydia smiles but it falls within an instant as her big brown eyes look up at him, welling with tears. 

“What if she doesn’t wake up, dad?”

Ben shakes his head, pulling her into a hug, trying not to sob when Lydia does. “Don’t think like that. You know she will. She’s the strongest person I’ve ever known.”

She was. Everywhere he’s been, all he’s seen, all he’s been through, Rey has been the strongest. 

And he believes if anyone could come through this it would be her. But it all still feels so defeating as he thinks of where she is now.

But he’s the dad. He has to be strong for them all. He has to be the hope for them the way Rey has always been for him.

“Dad, why...why are you leaving? Why aren’t you staying?” she sobs into his shirt. 

“Lydia…” Ben croaks out. 

“Where are you going?” she cries. “I don’t understand!”

“I...I don’t want to go, but I have to. I can’t explain it but I have to do this...to protect all of us.”

“Are we in danger? Is what happened to mom going to happen again?”

Ben’s lip trembles. Her questions break him. Because he’s been asking himself that for the past day and he doesn’t know the answers. He doesn't know what to tell her. He just wants her to be safe and to know everything he does, he does for their family and now was no exception.

He wants to say, no. He wants to tell her that she’s safe. Because he doesn’t want to see her worry any more than she already is.

But if he lies to her it’s going to break him further. 

He instinctively looks around, meaning to look at Rey which of course she’s not there. It’s a habit of his, looking to her when the kids ask hard questions. “Lydia, I–” he breathes out, looking around for an answer. For anything that will give him the words he is unable to say to her.

But his eyes stop and focus on something outside. His senses and paranoid heightened enough to notice it. 

_Movement._ Movement that looked suspiciously like a man.

It could have been anything. It could be a raccoon. It could have a shadow. It could have been his paranoid mind thinking it was Eldridge Hux himself.

But he knows. He knows it’s a man. A man hiding in the shadows for a reason.

But it’s like suddenly, a side of him that’s been dormant for the better part of thirteen years is awakened. And in an instant, he understands. This is how Rey must have felt. She sprung to action and protected Theo. And now he must do the same.

He pulls Lydia into his arms, picking her up as he aggressively turns the lights off and rushes back into his closet. For the safe room. The entrance of it concealed behind the suits on his side.

“Dad?” Lydia shouts confused as he punches in the code for the safe room. This month it was Mae’s birthday backwards. “Dad, what’s going on? Should we call someone?” Lydia sobs.

He shoves her inside, "No. Don't call anyone. You just stay here,” Ben tells her, looking over his shoulder. His heart is beating so fast as he looks back at her. “You stay in here and you don’t leave until I come back for you, do you understand?”

“Dad, what's happening? Are they back?” she asks, her hands gripping so tightly to his arms. 

Ben has never seen her look so scared and he wants nothing more than to hold her close and assure her that everything would be okay. 

But he can’t. He has to leave her here and it’s high up on the list of one of the hardest things he’s had to do.

“I will come back for you, sweetheart. I promise.” Ben kisses her forehead, unable to give her an answer that she needs. But he has to go. He has to face what comes next and he will not risk her getting hurt. “I love you,” he breathes out, tears in his eyes as he quickly spins back around to leave and seal the door behind him and locking it with the code once more. 

“I love you,” he repeats to the door, even though she couldn’t hear him. 

He feels like he’s being torn apart. But he doesn’t have the luxury of what his heart wants when right now he has to give in to a part of himself that been quiet for so long. 

A monster.

Ben rushes back into the bedroom, moving to his bedside table. He kept one of his old guns stashed there, also in a safe that’s hidden on the backside of the furniture. He and Rey had customized a handful of their pieces themselves in the garage. Well enough that only they know what they conceal and there was no chance of the kids ever finding things by accident.

The code for this one was always the same. The date he met Rey.

He takes out his gun and the extra round as well, taking a few deep breaths as he tries to anticipate what’s coming. 

_I’m prepared. I can do this. Keep Lydia safe. Stay alive._

But as he hears the tiny creak of someone coming up the stairs, he gulps. 

He can’t even beat Rey when they spar. He’s older. His bones ache in the morning and on cold days. He hasn’t fired a gun in years. He hasn’t killed anyone in years. 

The domestic side of him feels so wrong. Like he could get sick. 

But the other side persists. The part of him that reminds him this is the only way. This is how it has to be. To fight them, he has to be what they expect him to be.

_Kylo Ren._

Gritting his teeth, he waits in the darkness of the bedroom, watching as the first man comes into sight. Instantly his mind catalogs what he sees, just like he used to.

_About 5’10. Dark suit, black ski mask, silencer on his gun._

The figure close behind him is identical. And both oblivious to Ben’s position. 

Ben refrains from growling as he takes the intruders for what they are. Maybe things haven’t changed that much from the old days.

They’re from a crew. One meant for the sole purpose of cleaning house. Hux didn’t even bother to inquire with him first he went straight to this.

He’s going to fucking kill him. If Ben hadn’t noticed something was amiss they could have killed Lydia!

He takes one final deep breath before it’s official. Because once he strikes, it won’t stop until they’re all dead. 

_Stay alive. Stay safe. They need you,_ he thinks, imagining it in Rey’s voice. 

It’s all the incentive he needs to step out of the shadows and pull the trigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	22. Solo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for this chapter because we already all know where this is going lmao:  
> 

They’re in Colombia. 

It’s hot and humid and as much as Ben usually tries to keep his suit altogether, he’s opted to just leave the jacket at their hotel room while he just kept his sleeves rolled up. 

If he’s honest, the heat is the least of his worries. 

Maul is running out of friends to betray his location so as much as they’ve managed to pinpoint the supposed place he must be staying, it still required a little more digging. They started off in Cartagena but they’ve been traveling further inland, chasing after Maul.

But even then, that’s not the biggest problem.

_Something is wrong with Rey._

He looks over to her now. She’s got her hair up in a bun and she’s wearing one of her thin camisoles because of the heat. But what he notices the most is that she looks worried. Or sad. Both maybe. 

Overall, she just seems distant. 

She’s distracted and he could swear half the time she seems like she’s on the verge of tears. But if he asks her what’s wrong she insists she’s fine and instantly changes the subject or flees from him completely.

And Ben is scared. He’s scared for what this means. Maybe she’s starting to realize what everyone realizes about him sooner or later. Maybe he’s too much. Maybe she doesn’t love him anymore. 

It feels like there’s so much they aren’t saying. 

Ever since they left Maz’s, Ben can’t really label her behavior as just lingering fear. Now it just seems like she’s sad...tired. And it seems to get worse every time he dares to address it. 

And while Ben’s sitting in this shit hole room looking through the boarded windows of a small building in a small village in the middle of nowhere Colombia, sweating his ass off and thinking nothing of Maul and only of her, his patience comes to an end. It has been like this for days and even if he doesn’t know much about relationships, he knows from watching his parents that if you can’t communicate, it’s not gonna work.

And the thought of him and Rey not working out frightens him to his core. He had been on his own for so long he doesn’t want to go back to that. More so because she’s Rey and now he knows what he’d be missing and that might kill him from heartbreak. 

But if she doesn’t want him...then he would have to respect that. He loves her too much to go against what she wants. 

He wants to share everything with her. Everything a man like him could possibly give. But only if that’s what she wants. Like they talked about in Japan that one day when everything seemed perfect. More perfect than he deserved if he’s being honest with himself.

So Ben looks to her. 

There’s a heaviness to her countenance. To anyone else, she might appear passive but he can tell her mind is clearly chewing away on something. Something he’s tried to extract daily ever since that morning they left New York and he realized that the comfort they found on his dining table was not in fact what she needed from him. 

_Try again,_ his mind insists. _Reach out to her. Tell her you’re scared. Tell her the truth of your feelings and hope she gives it in return._

He just doesn’t want to sound angry. If he does, then he’ll seal his own coffin. He just wants her to know he’s here with her. That she’s not alone.

She loves him...he hopes. Even still, clearly, she cared about him enough that she owes him the truth. 

So, ignoring everything but her, he reaches for her. “Rey?”

“Hmm?” she hums, her eyes remaining steady on the building just across the quiet street they believed Maul to be hiding out in.

“Look at me,” he begs as he crouches closer to her in the shade. Her eyes meet his and his concern floods out of him. “What’s wrong?”

At the question, her eyes skirt away from his and she gets that nervous look to her again. But she just shrugs and Ben can hear the answer before she even gives it. “Noth–”

“Don’t say _‘nothing’_ again, please,” he urges and her eyes go wide. He realized he must have growled and he struggles to keep his emotions at bay. He closes his eyes and sighs as he tries to convey just how scared he is. “It kills me. _You think I don’t notice?_ Something is very wrong, Rey. If it’s me... _just tell me._ Scream at me. Tell me off. Tell me you’re mad. Just anything, please. Anything but _‘nothing’_ because I’m scared,” he admits to her.

His throat feels like sandpaper, but he squeezes her hands. He has to get this all out.

“Fuck this job. Fuck Snoke. Fuck it all. I know it hasn’t been that long but you're my partner before all else.”

She looks at him like she’s holding in sobs.

He brings a hand to her cheek, relieved at least that she doesn’t pull away. “I love you so much and I don’t want to lose you...but if I’m doing this to you, if you don’t feel the same anymore or if something’s changed then tell me. Please. Don't hide from me.”

Her hand comes up to his face, tears spilling from her eyes. 

“I love you too, Ben. So much.”

Ben wants to cry. He’s too relieved to hear the words, frightened that all this time maybe her love was fading away but it wasn’t. She still loves him. They can still figure this out. 

“But something _has_ changed. And I want to tell you...but I’m scared it’ll make you feel different about me. _About us.”_

His heart drops. He’s not sure what that means. _Did she get hired by somebody else? Did she fall for somebody else? Did she–_

“Ben, I’m pregnant.”

All the air seems to evacuate his body. He wasn’t expecting _that._

In his idiot brain, he’s not even sure he understands and it takes him longer than it should to really realize she’s said it and exactly what it implies. His eyes immediately look to her middle, trying to piece together what she says and what it actually means. 

A baby. How could this have hap–

 _Oh,_ he realizes suddenly, interrupting his own thoughts. Oh, he was the biggest fucking idiot. How the hell has he not considered this? How has he not thought of protection. Of keeping her safe? Just because she was his first doesn't excuse anything. He should have thought about this and he didn't. And now she's...now she's _pregnant._ He's not sure if that word has even gone through his brain before it sounds so foreign.

Ben can’t breathe suddenly. But in his slight panic, he looks back at her face.

Rey’s lip trembles. “Ben, I want to keep it. But I know if I do...then it’ll change everything and I don’t know how to keep them safe, or how to keep you, or how to just feel like I’m not fucking scared all the time,” she sobs out, and if Ben wasn’t fucking frozen he would pull her into his arms. He wants to but he honestly can’t budge. His body wasn’t listening to him anymore. 

“I just...I just want them,” Rey says, her hand moving to her middle. “And maybe you don’t and if that’s the case, I understand. I shouldn’t expect you’d want the same.”

_She wants the baby._

His mind gets distracted once again as he tries to actually visualize a baby. He knew what one looked like. He knew they were small. They cried and ate and pooped and then repeated the cycle. He’s never even held a human child before.

“I wish I could be anything but what I am,” Rey sniffles. “I want to give them a home, but I can’t have that. Because everywhere we go, we get shot or strangled and I can’t have that for them. And I know that means the only way to keep them safe would be to get rid of them and that fucking kills me because I already love them,” she sobs.

He’s shaking.

 _Pregnant._ He got her pregnant. This is what she’s had to deal with for who knows how long and she hasn’t told him because she thinks he doesn’t want this. She doesn’t think they stand a chance.

_Do they?_

Ben can’t think that far ahead. He’s still trying to find the words. Any words. Something he can say to her in this pivotal moment as he tries to grasp an understanding of what this means.

A baby. She was going to have a baby. He was...he was going to be a father. He didn’t know how to do that. His father didn’t know either and it resulted in a lifetime of strife which manifested in his boss requiring Ben to kill Han.

_How the fuck is he supposed to be a dad when he killed his own?_

_How the fuck are they supposed to have a baby when they worked for the First fucking Order?_

_Oh God, what if Snoke found out?_

He’s so scared all of a sudden. Crimson Dawn is pushed so far to the reaches of his mind as well as everything else that Ben actually forgets how hot it is. 

Rey sniffles, refusing to look at him. Suddenly it all makes sense and Ben legitimately wonders how the fuck she’s kept it together as well as she has. How the fuck has he not noticed? How has she been holding it together? 

Ben has known about it for thirty seconds and he feels fucking catatonic.

_A baby. She’s having your baby._

His brain can’t comprehend much more than that at the moment. 

“Rey…” he breathes out, feeling faint. His voice is croaky and he realizes just now that all of his worries have remained his own. He hasn't said anything yet and she’s waiting for him to do so. When he catches her eyes she looks so hurt and he wonders if it’s his silence that has done that. He opens his mouth to speak again but nothing comes. 

But Rey must assume it means everything she’s been terrified to hear. So she pulls away from him, hiding her face. “I’m sorry,” she sobs as she stands up and leaves. “I need some air. I can’t–”

“No, Rey. Please–” he says as he stands up to follow her as she barrels out of the room they’ve been hiding in. He doesn’t even think about it, he just chases after her. He needs to be with her. Talk to her. 

He finally snags her arm in the hallway but she doesn’t stop until she’s close enough to the little balcony. And even then, she hides her face in her hands and cries.

Ben’s insides churn as he sees what this does to her and he does the only thing he can think to do. He pulls her close into his arms and his lip trembles when she hugs him back, burrowing her face into his chest.

“I’m so scared.”

“Me too,” he admits against the top of her head. And it’s true. He’s scared. He’s never felt this kind of fear before. But it feels strange. Like it’s mixed with other feelings. Like it could also be the best thing he’s ever heard if his mind wasn’t so fucking dramatic.

And he wants to tell her that.

But the hail of bullets strikes first, burying deep into the wall behind them.

“Fuck,” he breathes out, instinctively dropping to the ground and pulling her with him.

There are screams coming from the street and yelling from whoever fired. Ben peaks over through the bars of the small balcony to see one of the Crimson Dawn henchmen shouting to someone else and pointing inside the opposite building. It was definite. Maul was here.

But all Ben can really comprehend is getting out of there. They scramble to their feet back to the room they were staked out in.

They had a plan B to escape out the bathroom window and into the jeep they’ve been using to get around. But Rey is only just out the window when Ben hears the heavy footsteps in the hallway behind them and he knows they’ve been found. He’ll have to hold them off here. Priority one is that she gets away.

He passes her the keys, holding her hand tight as he does. “Take the car. Get out of here. Now!”

Her eyebrows knit together, trying to pull him with her. “No, you have to–”

He cuts her off, crashing his lips against hers while she's already out the window.

“I’ll be okay. Just go. _Please._ ”

Rey’s lips tremble again and she looks so uncertain. She doesn’t want to leave him. But she knows she must. What she carries is too valuable, too precious to be in the way of danger.

"Go!" he says urgently. She gives a small sob but seems to listen.

So she quickly descends the facade of the building and hops into the jeep. Ben pulls his gun just in time as bullets start to fire through the door. He fires back but all he can feel is relief when he hears the jeep skid away from the window. 

The shooting ceases for a moment.

 _Either reloading or wounded,_ Ben thinks as he charges forward out of the bathroom and sure enough finds the man holding his abdomen and sputtering in pain. Ben fires one last shot to end him for good but his victory is short-lived as he hears more coming.

And he’s out of bullets.

“Fuck,” he breathes out, trying to just stay focused on this fight. This moment. Trying not to get too frazzled as his mind draws back to her. 

He steals what’s left of the rifle from the dead man, checking to see there are only a few bullets left before he’s in trouble once again. 

He waits behind the wooden table he and Rey sat at, waiting for the next few to stroll in.  
When they storm in shouting and firing, Ben manages to only use two bullets to kill them both and he moves quickly to collect what they have. 

But he realizes just how desperate Maul must be because it’s all just junk. Meager scraps at best. He salvages what he can before running down the stairs. He kills three more men on his way out and in his mind, he wonders if that’s it. All that was left of Crimson Dawn was Maul and he had to be close.

Ben had to finish this. 

But as he steps out of the building, back into the street, he sees Maul and knows he has the same idea.

They both aim their guns and fire relentlessly. Because now it’s just them.

* * *

Rey slams on the brakes only about a minute after she left Ben.

It felt wrong. To walk away from a fight. To leave him to fight their battles. He didn’t say much after she told him. He didn’t have much chance to. But the look in his eyes and his urgency for her to get away safely spoke volumes to her. Even if he doesn’t want the baby, he still cares for her.

And no matter what...they were partners. 

Rey closes her eyes, leaning her forehead against the steering wheel, knowing she must make a choice. Either flee and hope he’ll be alright on his own, or return and face what comes together. And it felt bigger than Crimson Dawn. It felt like it could have been about everything. And Rey feels that even then, it’s them. It’s always them. 

Switching gears, she turns the jeep around, finally knowing what she has to do. 

The reason she hadn’t told him up until now was because she didn't want to lose him. But he didn’t want to lose her either. That’s why he made her leave. And even if it goes against his wishes, she was going back for him. Because she’s not going to lose him like this. 

Rey speeds back through the dirt road, hearing the sound of gunshots from the small village. 

* * *

Ben is hunched behind a cart of straw as he was trembling. Maul got him in the shoulder. And there was a shit ton of splinters in his other arm as Maul shot the cart and the blow of it sent the wood in small shards into his skin.

Ben is out of bullets. But he can tell Maul still has some though...and he was getting closer. Maul was relentless. He was well trained. A worthy adversary if Ben was being honest with himself but being in a shootout is really the last place he wants to be right now.

He wonders for a brief moment if this is it. If this is what kills him. But it can’t...because he doesn't want to die. And he won’t, he tells himself. 

_I won’t leave her._

Ben grits his teeth, looking down at his shoulder that wasn’t bleeding as much as it was stinging. He’d be fine. He had to be. He has to find a way back to her.

He just has to finish off Maul first.

“Come on out, Ren!” Maul taunts. Ben slumps lower to the ground and he can see Maul slowly strolling down the street towards him. “Just us now...just us and your pretty little partner I’d love to get my hands on.”

“It’s just us,” Ben corrects him. “You’re not gonna touch her.”

“Pity...I wanted to keep her for myself. But I’ll find her. Just like you found me. Sounds like running is her style and she did you dirty, Ren. Must hurt.”

“She didn’t leave me!” Ben shouts out, but he felt like crying.

Maul laughs at his retort but Ben can hear him getting closer.

“Bet Snoke thought he won, didn't he? Bet he thought you’d come strolling in Monday morning with my head ready to be mounted on the wall. Imagine his surprise when I send yours to his doorstep instead?”

 _Snoke wouldn’t give a shit,_ Ben thinks to himself. There was a time he might have thought otherwise but Ben knows now in a way that he curses himself for not understanding sooner. Kind of like how Rey learned about her parents. She always knew, she just didn’t face it. The same could be said about him and Snoke.

But that couldn’t matter now. Now, he just needs to survive as well as he can and get back to her.

Because as he sits there bleeding and stinging against the wooden fucking cart, all he can think of is her and all he wants to do with his life. He wants to be better. He wants to be who he needs to be for her. For the baby. For himself. 

He didn’t know what to make of it at first. All he could think about was that he didn’t deserve this. Because he didn’t. And Rey’s fears were true. This life wouldn’t allow them this. Snoke wouldn’t. For all reasons, it should be impossible. And in a way it was.

But their whole life was impossible. They did it every day.

What was one more thing?

One more impossible thing to change it all. To give her the life she deserves in whatever way he can. He has no idea how but he wants to try. He would do anything for her.

If he could, he would walk away from this forever. Because nothing makes him feel more alive or more dedicated than she does.

But Maul’s cackling pulls him out of his daydreaming. “All the people that you’ve killed...all the times they’ve tried to kill you. But now I get the honors,” he says and Ben can hear him cocking his gun. “Time’s up, Boogeyman.”

The sound of a shotgun fires out and Ben flinches, thinking he still had time to act. But he realizes a moment later he hasn’t been shot. But there’s the distinct sound of Maul choking on air.

Ben scrambles, looking over the straw and getting shakily to his feet. But all he sees is Maul standing with a middle full of buckshot and gurgling. But as he falls to the ground on his knees in the dirt, Ben sees who’s standing behind him with the gun and tears spill over in his eyes

“Rey,” he sobs out, scrambling to his feet, ignoring the stinging in his arms and a little on his chest.

She shoots Maul one last time to make sure and her eyes stay trained on his body.

All Ben can see is Rey as he rushes over and pulls her into his arms, hissing as the movement irritates his shoulder. “I told you to get out of here,” he cries against her hair.

“I know,” she says, pulling away to look at him and immediately wincing as she sees the blood on his shirt. “I didn’t listen. But we gotta go. We got to get this looked at.”

“It’s not bad,” he croaks as she pulls him to the jeep, shoving him in the passenger seat. 

Rey slams the door on her side and hands him the shotgun before she puts it into drive and they peel out of there.

Ben is too relieved, trying to figure out if this was a dream or what because the air feels different. It feels brighter and even though he’s been shot, he feels so much better than he did when they rode in that morning and they weren’t talking. Not that they’re talking now either as they speed back through a road through the jungle. 

She's got tears in her eyes that the wind sweeps back into her hair that looks wild and free. Her hair must have fallen out of the bun when she aced back to the village. She was so beautiful. She’s always beautiful but there’s something about now that is so...hypnotizing. Maybe it’s because he knows now why she seems to be glowing. 

Ben settles the shotgun in the backseat before reaching over to settle his hand on her leg.

“Rey?”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” she says, looking only on the road. “Not yet. We have to get you to the medic at the hotel,” she says, wiping at her eyes.

“Rey, stop the car.”

She ignores him. Or maybe she can’t hear him. Maybe her mind is doing the same thing as him and she can’t focus or hear him.

So he chooses his next words carefully.

“I thought of an answer to your question.”

“What question?” she sniffles.

“When we were in Japan and you asked me about what I’d do with my life if I wasn’t what I am. _That_ question.”

“Ben, I don’t-“

“I’d be a librarian.”

She pauses, looking at him like he was mental. “What?”

“Or a janitor. Or a cashier. Or an accountant. Or a truck driver. Or maybe a mechanic, like you said you’d be. Or a-“

“What are you doing?” She looks at him, the car slowing down. 

“I don’t care what I am. As long as I wasn’t _this_ ,” he gestures to himself, “I’d be so fucking happy with whatever it was. Because in that life I get to share it with _you_. At the end of the day I get to come home and I’d see you. We could have a house that’s always in the same place.”

The car comes to a stop then and Rey’s eyes look glazed with such a dream. The dream he describes for them. He puts the car in park and the car rolls a bit but she doesn’t even seem to notice. She’s looking at him. Waiting for him to go on. To tell her just how much he wants this with her. 

He wonders if she’s spent all this time thinking he’d be opposed that maybe she never thought he’d _want_ this too. And it almost hurts that she’s been this scared. And _of him_ no less, but he understands. Everyone that’s loved her has left her. So he has to let her know he’s with her. All the way. 

“And our baby…” he says aloud for the first time and it sounds so perfect, “...our baby would be beautiful. They’d have your brains and my ears.”

Rey chuckles softly then squeezes his hands, her eyes glassy. 

“They would know they’re loved no matter what. We would protect them with everything we have. Never hungry. Never alone. Never afraid that we were going to leave them.”

Rey’s lip trembles as she looks at him and tears stream down her face. But she doesn’t look sad or broken or scared. She looks relieved and surprised but also so certain. She wants this and she wants this with him.

And Ben has never felt a desire for anything the way he does for this. For this life he tells her about in a dream, safe and far away from people like Maul or Snoke. Just them and their family. The family they found together.

_The Solo’s…_

“And I know I can’t promise that in the way I want to right now,” he says looking down at his bloodied self, but his voice cracks, and his own tears spillover. “I know the stakes and I know what we are...I know why it’s impossible. But I want to fucking try. Because _you_...everything I try since you’ve come into my life turns out to be the best thing I could have done. And I know this will be no different.”

Her hand comes to his face, brushing past his cheek softly. “Do you mean that?”

He nods, holding his palm over her knuckles to assure her he does. He means it so much it makes him sob out slightly at the knowledge of it. He’s never been so sure of anything.

“And if...If I was normal, I’d have waited until I could take you out to some fancy bullshit french restaurant or on the top of some mountain while I was on my knees and said some cliché line about how it’s not as beautiful as you. But I’m not fucking normal, so I’m going to ask you here, in this shitty jeep from the last century in the middle of the Colombian jungle with a bullet in my shoulder instead.”

Her breath catches as she seems to be following what he’s saying and he’s so fucking relieved it doesn’t sound like gibberish. So he makes sure his next words are as clear and resolute as they are in his mind.

“Rey Johnson, will you marry me?”

She breaks into one of her smiles that makes him feel like he’s melting and slowly she starts to nod. She’s still crying but he is too and at this point, he’s not even remotely concerned about his injuries. 

“Yes,” she breathes out. “Yes, Ben Solo, I would be…” she shakes her head and she looks at him like no one ever could. She sees him. Really sees him. In a way no one ever has. She brings her other hand to his face, cradling his cheeks so softly as she looks into his eyes. “I would love to.”

He dives forward to kiss her, both of them leaning over the stick shift between them. He pulls her as close as he can, his hands wrapped around her until one starts to wander lower towards her abdomen. It’s flat for now but it must be early enough it doesn't show. He realizes suddenly why he’s noticed her overly transfixed with her middle and why she’s been examining herself in the mirror when she didn’t think he was looking. 

He pulls away to look down at her, his forehead pressed against hers.

“We’re gonna have a baby,” he whispers to her.

“A baby, Ben,” she says, tucking some hair behind his ear. Her brows start to knit together though and she holds to him tightly. “What are we gonna do?” she whispers even though it must be just them for probably at least ten miles in every direction.

If he’s honest he doesn’t know. Part of him has the urge to run and never be found but he knows that won’t work. Snoke would come for them. He would have to think of something. And quick.

_Just not now._

“Let’s not worry about that right now...this is a happy moment,” he tells her, kissing the tears from her cheeks. “The happiest moment of my life.”

And it was. 

* * *

The next day, they were standing in a Colombian courthouse with some simple silver band rings they got at the jewelry store just down the street from their hotel. 

Rey looked up at Ben as they stood together, their hands held tight. He had six stitches in his left shoulder and a bunch of bandages that trailed up his right arm where she and the doc at the hotel helped pull out dozens of splinters from his skin. But even at the time, nothing seemed to pull the smile from his face as he just gazed at her.

 _“Can I tell you a secret?”_ he had asked the doc last night. An older man that looks like he’s been doing his job longer than he and Rey had been alive. _“Doctor-patient confidentiality, right?”_

_“Hmm? Oh yeah. Course,”_ he had hummed, focused on his handiwork. 

_“Tomorrow, we’re gonna–”_

_“Ben,”_ she had warned him with a whisper.

_“What? He’s not allowed to tell and I have to tell someone. I’m so happy.”_

The doctor had laughed. _“I was gonna ask if you hit your head, you look a little too happy to be getting stitches.”_

 _“We’re getting married tomorrow,”_ Ben says and Rey couldn’t stay mad, he looked so adorable.

The doctor gave them a heartfelt smile and looked between them. _"That's lovely. Congratulations._ "

Ben actually giggled at the time and Rey snorted in laughter as she looked at him, thinking he sounded like a schoolboy. The grin made him look like one too.

And now, he looked so handsome. Even if he was wearing the same kind of suit he wears almost every day, he looked truly beautiful. He had some flowers she pinned to the lapel of his jacket that were from the little bouquet he got her from a street vendor. Some of them were daisies that matched the bracelet she still had on her wrist. She still won’t take it off and she imagines the rings they’re about to put on will be the same.

Rey looks down at herself, nervously tucking hair behind her ear. She was wearing a white slip dress. Technically speaking, it was a nightgown, or at least that’s what Jari’kyn had called it when she tailored it for her. As soft as it was, Rey preferred to sleep in one of Ben’s shirts instead since they allowed her to move a little easier. So the dress had gone unused until now but it quickly found its new purpose once Rey realized it was the only white piece of clothing she owned. 

She thought it looked a little simple for a wedding dress at first but as soon as she stepped out of the bathroom to show him, his reaction made her realize it was just right. So she just slipped into some black heels she carries around but hardly wears before they were off and eventually found their way here after they got the rings and the flowers.

Rey doesn’t know how they didn’t get caught for manipulating their passports for the morning to say their real names but it was convincing enough that things proceeded just fine. It was important to them that they would be married as _Ben and Rey,_ not _Kylo and Kira_. Thankfully luck was on their side that morning and everything was allowed to proceed immediately.

They’re in a beautiful room in a large building that had a great big window that looked out to the ocean. The notary has a beautiful accent and is reading from his book all these odd legal terms that Rey isn’t overly bothered with because she’s too excited. 

And then it finally comes. And Ben pulls her ring from his pocket.

“Ben Solo,” the man speaks, “do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward?”

Ben slides the ring on her finger.

“I do,” he says, his eyes glassy as he looks at her.

“Rey Johnson,” the man says next and Rey uncurls her fist where Ben’s ring was waiting in her palm. Ben smirks, holding out his hand to hers as she had done for him. “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward?”

She slides the ring on his finger.

“I do.”

Ben’s smile trembles slightly as he looks at her softly.

“By the power vested in me, you are now officially Ben and Rey Solo,” he says to them both. Rey’s breath hitches as she hears it for the first time. 

_Rey Solo._

“Congratulations. You may now kiss the bride,” he says, looking to Ben. In an instant, Ben’s hands settle tenderly on her cheeks as he swoops down to kiss her. The secretary that told them where to sign before they started said if they decide to kiss to keep it chaste but they seem to be challenging that as she’s sure it must last longer than it should but she doesn’t really care what the rules might be.

Because now they were married and it feels...right.

When they finally pull away, his forehead pressed against hers for a moment. Rey reaches up to wipe away his tears but his smile remains ever-persistent, even when the notary briefly interrupts to have them sign one more thing before he passes over the little file of documents that mean it’s all legal and set in stone.

They were married.

And not much later, when they’re standing on the beach with their toes in the sand, their new documents being guarded more than their shoes, Ben pulls her into his arms and kisses her again. His hands are settled at her waist but she feels as his thumbs trace gentle lines over her abdomen, reminding them both that it wasn’t just the two of them. It was the start of something new. _Their family._

“Thank you,” Ben breathes against her lips. “Thank you, Rey,” he says, getting choked up. 

“Thank _you,_ ” she says back. She’s not sure she could ever express just how grateful she is to him for all he’s done. From the beginning, or close enough to it, he’s always been there for her.

Ben smiles, this time settling his whole palm against her middle. “Baby Solo,” he breathes out with a smile.

“Baby Solo,” Rey agrees. Because now it’s official and Rey is ecstatic to know that as soon as Rey’s own true family name became official, the baby’s did too.

Ben was her family. The baby was her family. Just as Rey and the baby were Ben’s.

Rey feels like she’s found her true forever home and it’s quite simply _them._

* * *

Ben felt like it could have been a dream but it was real. All of it. 

Rey was having his baby. She married him. She was his wife. She was his family. 

The two of the were laying in bed, delightfully exhausted after officially consummating their marriage. _Three times._ But Ben couldn’t sleep he was too happy and he wanted the day to last as long as it could. 

His hand runs gently past her skin. Mostly on her stomach but he does let them wander towards her breasts, massaging them softly when explains they’re very tender from pregnancy. 

There’s so much he wants to learn about it. There’s so much he wants to help her with. She needed the best care available. But they also needed to be discrete. At least until they were free. 

“We’ll need to find you a doctor. Someone that can check on them,” he says, tracing circles on her stomach. 

“I was thinking Dr. Erso in New York. She’s the one that ran the test for me and confirmed it. She already knows.”

”Really?” He cranes his neck to look at her and she nods. “Did she say anything about them?”

Rey chuckled. “Only that they’re in there. But she did say everything was probably fine even though my leg got shot.”

”'Probably?'” Ben stiffens as he recalls that as well and his earlier worries about it. Would that have hurt them? But Rey is quick to settle him down.

”Ben, she said they were fine. I didn't lose that much blood or anything. And anyways I think they’re growing," she tells them, running her own hand over her belly. "I think there's more of a bump this week," she says with her eyes closed, trying to feel if there's any difference. "But Jyn said it was early and from what I've been reading, it could be months before I start to show."

Ben is really fascinated by this as it's all still so new. ”How...how far along are they? How long does it take?” He really had no knowledge about this. 

“My best guess is almost two months along. If my math is right this is the end of seven weeks now.”

He quickly does the math himself and smirks. “Oh,” he blushes. That would have been Rome or close enough to it that guilt eats at him for a moment again. He really should have been thinking of protection from the beginning but he finds he also can't quite regret it now. Not when it has led them here.

“But it takes nine months in all,” Rey tells him.

At first, Ben is surprised it takes that long. He was already impatient enough to meet them, to hold them. But he realizes that they’re going to need that time because he won’t allow their baby to be born into this life. He won’t risk Snoke ever finding out. He shudders as he thinks of what he would do to them. To Rey and the baby. To him. 

Ben holds her tighter at the thought. “We'll be gone by then. They'll be born free, I promise," he tells her, feeling teary again.

He looks up at the ceiling trying to put early workings of something together. He tries to see what decisions find them at that picture perfect outcome. Just them, the Solo's in a home all theirs. No ties to this world of murder and villainy. But he fears he's done too much of that himself for it to not follow him wherever he goes. Or his family for that matter.

He starts to worry that he can't keep his promises but he will die trying to make them happen. He's not going to risk Snoke finding out and having their child taken away and sent to a place like Dathomir or something just as sinister. It was time for them to break free of this pain and abuse. He's not going to let his child face what they have...even if it kills him.

But Rey's soft smile she gives him pulls him out of his heavier thoughts.

"Something amusing, Mrs. Solo?" he asks, looking for any excuse to call her that.

She shakes her head. "I was just thinking," she practically whispers as she reaches up for his cheek.

"Thinking what?" he asks when she doesn't tell him and he pulls her closer, ignoring the strain it gives in his shoulder to do so. He nudges his nose against hers, his lips ghosting past hers.

"I think you'll be a wonderful father."

His eyes pop open and he freezes looking at her. He's not sure if it's true but the way she says it, the way she looks at him, he can tell how much she means it. She really believes he would be and for some reason it makes him want to cry.

"Really?" he croaks out. He feels like he could never be gentle enough or what their child would deserve as a father. Especially after what he had done to his own. But she seems to trust that he will be and it makes him feel so lucky to know that she believes in him. No one has ever had this much trust in him before.

"Of course," Rey smiles, holding either side of his face. He realizes he must be crying when she brushes her thumbs past his cheeks. "I know you'd be."

He has no words. He just feels so...much. That's all he can gather. So he tucks his head against her shoulder holding her tightly as she holds him. 

She can't even imagine all she has done for him since she has come into his life. She trusts him. She believes in him. She loves him. She married him! She wants a family with him. She's given him everything.

He can't even imagine his life without her anymore and he'd be lying if he said the tears he sheds now do not come from a place of fear. Fear that one day he might lose her. 

He won't allow that. If anyone comes after his family or their dream...he doubts nothing would keep him from being the monster he knows he must truly be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, but like imagine Rey in this  
>   
> I'm crying. They're married now. They grow up so fast.
> 
> Honestly, this is a mess and I don't even care because I needed it to be wholesome lmao.
> 
> Also, I know technically you can't just stroll into a courthouse and expect to get married immediately but by fanfic logic, I do not see it so they got it done in like twenty minutes lol.


	23. Torn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When it comes to the action, you're better off watching the scene from the movie because me describing action is ROUGH but you can tell I'm trying.
> 
> As per usual, we have everything Ben does sprinkled with lots of feels so there's still lots of inner monologues to keep us interested...or at least I hope. It’s still nonsense.

Lydia doesn’t really understand what’s happening as her father shuts the door and leaves her in darkness. She’s sealed inside and she quickly turns the lights on as she wipes her eyes but new tears immediately fall. 

She hasn’t been in this room often. Mom and dad kept it sealed up but they made her memorize the new code every month and there’s been a handful of times that she’s helped them reset it and they have let her in here. Since she was the oldest, they depended on her to remember it more than Theo and Mae.

Her parents have always been very attentive to the safety of their home and she knew they had monitors in here that were hooked up to some cameras they had around. Mainly outside but there was one pointed towards the backdoor in the kitchen, the large scope of the living room and some other places.

So Lydia gasps when she looks up at them to see a bunch of men in ski masks flooding into their home, with guns! They were fanning out and some of them were coming up the stairs!

“Dad,” she says under her breath. He was out there! They could kill him! She rushes back to the door. But she thinks back to what he said. To stay here until he came back for her. And he put her in here for a reason. He must have seen them coming. _But why wouldn’t he stay with her?_

But then she hears a muffled sound from the other side that makes her jolt and her heart jumps to her throat. More so when more of those sounds keep coming.

_Gunshots._

“Daddy,” she sobs out, crumpling to the floor, thinking it’s all over. That he’s been hurt just like mom.

But when she looks back up at the monitors...she realizes that’s not the case. In fact, it was her father with his own gun, firing and fighting his way through their house with a certain ferocity that made him look like someone else entirely.

He didn’t look like dad but it was. 

Lydia watches as everyone in his path drops instantly. It’s not like when he’s sparring with mom and he’s focused but has a slight smirk on his face when he tries to predict mom’s next move. This was different. She’s never seen him like this and she’s not sure how to feel about it. 

She had been worried these men would kill him. That’s clearly what they came here to do. But instead dad... _dad was the one hurting them._ And Lydia should be relieved that what happened to mom isn’t happening to him. But it’s not really ‘relief’ that she feels now. It’s something else.

 _Bodyguards,_ she tells herself. That’s what mom and dad used to be, they said. That’s why they took precautions. That’s why they were so protective. Why they had a room like this in their house even! They were retired bodyguards.

But as Lydia watches dad slip through the shadows and engages in attack in the quick, precise movements, she starts to wonder more and more if that’s all it was.

She has to shut her eyes and cover her ears. It’s too much. 

She loves her father, but watching him like this, she realizes she must know nothing about him. Because he doesn’t seem unfamiliar with the nature of killing people. 

* * *

Ben hops over the railing on the stairs, plummeting for the ground just as shots fire behind him and miss. He feels his knees creak on impact but he ignores it, aiming instead to fire upon the shooter through the rails. It takes two shots but when Ben is certain the man is dead he gets back to his feet and turns around. All the lights are off down here too. He prefers to work in the dark...or at least he used to. Now he’s wishing he had his fucking glasses or something. Or that he got that laser eye surgery that Rey mentioned forever ago. But he relies on his other senses to pick up on what feels wrong and it’s eerie how certain instincts just remerge...like he never stopped.

He hears steps from the hallway and he fires the second he sees the arms come around the corner. Again, two bullets. He remembers he used to do this a lot. To ensure they’re dead. It’s like muscle memory.

He moves quietly but swiftly, ensuring all these corners were safe before he reaches for the other round. He’s already out of bullets. He doesn’t know how many are left but he has a feeling he might have to get creative. 

Ben rushes to reload the gun and quietly discard the empty one. He hasn’t even held a gun in so long but again, it all comes back to him where he doesn’t even have to look at his hands. It’s almost mechanical. 

But he knows in a way, he used to be a machine. Not even human. Detached from everything in the real world that he now holds so dear.

Outstretched arms with a gun appear from around the corner and Ben brings his arms down, practically sending the man to the floor. But the man keeps hold of him. He’s a bit bigger this one, and Ben tries to ram him against the wall. But then the guy pushes back and Ben doesn’t have enough leverage to stop it so they go jogging backwards. Ben tries to get the upperhand by spinning them around before he shoves them against the shelves. The impact alone makes the furniture shift and the frames that were on it clatter to the floor. 

Ben brings his leg up, kneeing the man as hard as he can. Trying to get him to fold over and when he does, Ben grabs his arm, pulling him over his back before throwing him back onto the ground and Ben hears the groan that he knows means there are bones broken. 

But he hears frantic footsteps further away so he cranes his neck, firing twice across his living room. Once he hears the thud of that body his attention returns to the man on the ground.

He fires once and the man is dead.

Ben takes a deep breath, his teeth gritted hard as he looks at the man in the ski mask. Beside his head was a broken frame from the shelf of when Theo was two years old and had a cake covered face from Lando’s birthday. He had gotten frosting in Rey's hair.

 _Focus!_ His mind shouts.

Ben looks around in the darkness of his home. It’s quiet. Too quiet. That was the warm-up if anything, he knows. More were here. 

And then the silence breaks and he wonders if they’ve all been flooding in through the door in the kitchen. Quickly he moves behind the shelves, hiding in the shadows as he peaks to see them coming. Same clothes. Same masks. Same guns.

Two this time.

Ben tries to center himself, hoping his joints would be able to imagine he stretched because even just crouching in this position for too long felt uncomfortable.

As much as old skills came back, he’s not twenty-something anymore.

Ben ignores it as he looks to the windows. Most of them were broken from Hux’s son but he can still read their reflections well enough to see how close they were. He hopes it’s close enough as he pounces. He shoots the first one in the shoulder. The man on this side of the shelves. He staggers back but Ben grabs him, using the momentum to shoot the other one on the other side before the first man collapses.

He finishes off the second before he finally aims back down and finishes off the man he practically used as a shield.

But there’s always the next one and Ben is already rushing to aim back around from another figure emerging from the kitchen. Ben can tell he misses (because of his fucking eyes) so he skids to duck behind the wall to buy a moment. He holds off seeing what the other move will be but his stomach churns in uncertainty so he curls up, shooting through the wall as more bullets come. But he hears that old familiar click that fucking haunts him as he realizes he’s out of bullets. _Fuck_...he doesn’t have another round.

But as the man leans over to his side, Ben jumps, realizing he was at least wounded and staggering. Ben grabs his arm, keeping his gun aimed away as Ben hits him repeatedly with the barrel of his now empty weapon. The man groans in agony, his energy dwindling as he can’t keep up.

Ben kicks him between the legs, causing him to drop his loaded gun to the ground while Ben rocks back to throw the man through possibly the only surviving window in his living room.

Ben quickly grabs the loaded gun on the floor and aims, firing twice until he knows the man is dead.

Ben can hear his own breathing getting out of control and he tries to tamper it down as he gets back on his feet and advances towards the kitchen. In his mind, he thinks about the last time he was in his kitchen he was cradling his wife’s body, terrified she was about to die in his arms. 

_Fucking focus!_

He tries to push it down, knowing now was not the time to get distracted unless he wanted to face a fate similar to hers in the same room about a full day later.

He rounds the corner and when a figure jumps from the darkness to attack he fires but his arms are pushed down and he’s shoved back against the wall. They both fight to get the guns out of each other's hands, but Ben’s success is also his adversary’s as he hears both guns clatter to the floor. 

But Ben quickly seizes the window to pull the man’s arm over his shoulder to get the leverage he needs to flip him over and throw him on the island in the middle of the kitchen. Ben strikes him in the face to buy himself some time when another masked man strides in with his gun drawn. 

Ben only has the time to grab a pan from the counter and throw it at him, making the gun clammer to the floor and the man groan in pain. But he remains on his feet and is quickly diving to grab the other discarded guns on the floor. Ben leaves the flailing man on the counter to confront this newest threat. He kicks the guns out of the way just in time to block the blows aimed for his face. He tries to make it snappy, throwing him off as soon as he can with a solid strike to the throat before he flips the man over onto the ground.

That’s another move he used to do a lot.

Ben abandons the fight for a moment to return to the bastard on his counter. He effectively blocks a leg that was ready to kick him in the head before he punches the man in the gut one more time, faintly registering that the other man was trying to get to his feet by pulling himself up by the handles on the cabinets and drawers.

Ben feels a wave of fury strike through him when he sees the man rummaging so closely to the spot where he helps Mae with her hearing aids every morning. And in the man’s attempt to get to his feet, he tears through one of Mae’s drawings that were taped to the cabinet. One that Ben had put up just the other week.

And it makes him growl in refusal, hating that they’re here and doing this to their home and it’s like the tearing of that drawing was the last fucking straw before he becomes unhinged.

But he has to finish with this man first. Driven with this another round of rage, Ben pulls him so that he could get him to the edge of the counter, gripping his hair through the ski mask as he holds up his head before striking down with his other arm so hard, he hears his neck crack.

To domestic ears, a sickening noise. To a killer, it comes with relief.

But as soon as he’s done, the man that made him rage more than any of the others was officially back to his feet and armed with one of their knives. One half of Mae’s drawing shredded on the floor behind him.

The man slashes it through the air and Ben leans back, trying to stay clear of the blade.

As Ben tries to grab the man’s wrist to keep the knife at bay, he feels a hand claw around his throat and in the struggle for dominance, Ben finds he’s being pushed back into the front hallway.

Ben gets a lucky break when the man overestimates how far he’ll move and he quickly grabs him, keeping his arms low and faced the other way as he tries to wrestle the knife from his hand but the bastard is strong and keeps trying to slash the air in his direction. Ben once again has to lean out of the way as they’re on the move again. But they’re running out of hallway and Ben has fucking had it! His mind flashing in a mixture of Rey from the kitchen. Of Mae’s drawing getting torn. Of Theo thinking it’s all his fault. Of Lydia in the saferoom upstairs hopelessly confused.

And how Hux is the one who sent this crew here, thinking he could snuff them out quietly after his son nearly killed his wife and Theodore. 

Ben trips the man, sending him to the ground with a thud, trying to pull his shoulders up as much as he can to limit his arm movement and restrict any more frantic slashings. Ben finally reaches, getting ahold of the knife to try to drive it into his chest but he’s still fighting with the man’s strength as he trying to push it away for once. Ben can’t get a good handle on it and his impatience wins out as he reaches over, grabbing the man by the chin to throw him down, back to the ground and Ben uses his weight to push down on the blade as much as he can to kill him. 

And it’s like for a moment it hasn’t been thirteen years at all. This was just another day in the First Order and he had to win at all costs. So Ben finds himself using the heel of his palm to send the knife into his chest. Again and again. Until the man’s attempts to fight back cease entirely and Ben knows he’s dead.

And it’s not until he looks, _really looks_ at the man and Ben realizes what he’s done. It was always more impersonal with a gun. It requires a distance where you can kid yourself you’re not a brutal killer, even though he is and there is a part of him that could get sick that he could even try to excuse himself for it. But with a knife, there was no hiding from the carnage of his actions.

Quickly he tries to get to his feet on shaky legs, wondering if that was it. If there were any more. He returns to the kitchen, grabbing the guns from the floor before strategically moving throughout his house, ensuring it was really over.

But his focus wanders as he sees them now, the devastation of his home from not just one but now _two_ nights of heartbreak. 

_Hux._ Fucking all of them. They did this. Hux sent them here to kill him. To clean up loose ends but he put his whole family in danger and Ben was not going to let it fucking slide.

He steps back into the kitchen, picking up the two ripped halves of Mae’s drawing, his tears spilling over as he looks at it. It was one of her family portraits. One where the five of them are lined up like a row of ducklings by size, biggest to smallest. But the tear that ripped it in two seems to mock him now because where his hand holds to Rey’s is where it has been torn, leaving him alone and separated from his family.

It seems too cruel to be coincidental but in his determination to keep it together, he quickly reaches for the tape. As if fixing this drawing would fix all their problems and everything broken would mend and go back to how it was before Rey got shot.

Ben sniffles, holding the now taped drawing tenderly as he steps out to the living room.

It hurts so much to see his home turned into a battlefield. This is where they have been safe for years. This was their home. This is where he raised his family.

He’ll never forget when he and Rey came to see it for the first time. 

The first time he walked through this room he had Lydia high on his hip, not even a year old and babbling as she slobbered on the collar of his shirt. He remembers wondering if there were too many windows or if it would be secure enough for his family which he and Rey had both spoken about possibly expanding at the time.

It wasn’t until he passed Lydia to Rey and saw them admiring it that he realized it was home. They looked so perfect and it seemed so natural here. Not that they didn’t at his mom’s house but it was time to get their own space. They figured it would be safe enough by then. 

Ben couldn’t imagine anywhere else as a backdrop for so many beautiful memories. It was theirs.

And now it was...now it was in shards.

He sobs out, covering his face in horror. But as he stands there alone and crying and somehow alive, he remembers that his daughter was still in the safe room. 

The safe room with the security monitors that showed the house.

_Oh fuck...that means…_

Ben looks up in the corner of where he knows one of the cameras to be, wondering if she was looking at him now. Quickly, he folds up the drawing and slides it in his pocket as he moves, rushing back up the stairs. 

He had to get Lydia out of here. He won’t risk more coming. It was time for him to face whatever else comes on his own and for them to be safe and far away from all of this. From him. That’s what was best for them.

He races back into his closest, punching in the code so the door opens and he finds her there. 

But he feels his heart break in a new way as he looks at her now. Because as he looks over her head to the screens that showed the display of all the masked figures he had just fought through, he knows she’s seen it all. 

And she looks at him like she doesn’t know him. Her eyes are red and wide and she’s clutching Rey’s old jacket like a lifeline as she looks at him like he’s no different from the intruders downstairs.

“Lydia?” he croaks out, reaching forward gently but his heart fucking shatters when she flinches. Like she was afraid he would hurt her. “Lydia,” he cries. “It’s okay. It’s over. But we gotta go, alright?"

Lydia’s lip trembles and big tears fall down her cheeks. “Who...Who are you?”

“Sweetheart, it’s me,” he cries, holding his hand to his chest as if to prove to her he was her father. He moves to his knees to seem less threatening so he’s not looming over her. So he’s closer to her height even though now he’s looking up at her.

“No, but…” Lydia looks up to the monitors over her head and then back to him. The rest of her question doesn’t come but it doesn’t have to. He can see what she’s trying to say. He can see that now she’ll never look at him the same way again because now she’s seen a side to him that he never wanted her to see. The _Kylo Ren_ part of him he was hoping that would stay dead had returned and he does not blame his daughter for feeling uneasy at the sight of him. 

“Lydia, I never wanted you to–”

“You and mom weren’t just bodyguards, were you?” Lydia croaks out, her eyes glassy and afraid.

Ben’s breath gets caught in his throat and he thinks his heart might have stopped beating.

He’s hidden so much from her. He’s so broken and tired and afraid of what she must think of him. Because she knows. Not all the details but after what she just saw, she knows what he and Rey have always told them isn’t really the case.

So with a heavy heart filled with fear and shame that only a parent could feel, his head falls as well as his tears. “I’m sorry,” he cries. “Lydia, I’m...I’m so sorry.” He can’t lie anymore. His heart can’t take it. “I never meant for you to–”

Instantly, he feels her arms wrap around him as she hugs him tight and he quickly does the same. He is too grateful that she hugs him now, having seen what he is. 

She sobs into his shoulder and he cries too, not sure if she would be hugging him if he wasn’t the only one here right now.

He thinks back to when Lydia was first born. When he first held her and he knew no matter what he would love her forever, but he was always afraid what she would think of him if she found out what he used to be. And if she didn’t love him after that, he would have to accept it. It’s been a thought of his that’s haunted him for years...to think one day his children may find him too monstrous to love. He’s confessed this only to Rey but she never lets him wallow in it for long, telling him he shouldn’t think of such things.

But Rey wasn’t here now and Ben sobs out as he knows why. But Lydia was here. And no, she doesn’t know to the extent of who he really is and what he used to be. But she hugs him now anyway and he is so grateful to her because he knows as much as he has felt that lingering fear of the rejection that comes with her learning what he truly is, he was never prepared for it. And the fact that in this smallest way she may not hate him as much as he expected is too relieving and he cries, still holding her tight.

He only wants to keep them all safe. And at the expense of being the monster the First Order made him long ago, it may be the only way to keep them all alive. And with stakes like that, Ben knows he can’t afford to take any chances. He knows what he has to do but he doesn’t know if he has the strength to do it.

But Lydia’s embrace assures him what he has to do with all the more resolve. Even if this is the last time she’ll hug like this, he will have to risk the potential hatred that she or Theo and Mae may have towards him because as much as that hurts, it will ensure their survival. 

And it will keep his promises to his wife that he’s made to her ever since she was pregnant with Lydia. 

_He will protect them always._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SAD DAD BENNY BOI NEEDS A BREAK...but am I gonna give it to him?
> 
>   
> and poor baby Lydia!!
> 
> Thank you for reading. I know this is a hot mess!!


	24. Beat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very long one ahead! Mess as usual and I kinda hate it but YEET!!

Ben was sitting up in bed, reading through one of the maternity books with the light of his phone since it was three in the morning and he didn’t want to disturb his wife sleeping beside him. 

They have been back in New York for a few weeks now. They reluctantly returned after they got married in Cartagena even if both of them had the preference to flee anywhere they could and get lost in each other in an endless honeymoon. But they couldn’t. They both knew they had a big obstacle to face. One that they still aren’t sure how to tackle. 

_Getting free._

So they essentially have to work backward and that’s why they had returned to New York. But the stakes have never been stacked against him the way this all has. He’s always just had to look out for himself and even then he was negligent as he never had much regard for his own well-being. But now it wasn’t just him. It was all three of them and he wasn’t going to take any chances. 

Ben sighs to himself, realizing he’s been reading the same paragraph for ten minutes and he still wasn’t following so he sets the book aside, bookmarking his place and running his hands through his hair. 

And then, as if she could hear his thoughts, he feels Rey snuggle closer to him as she turned over in her sleep. She hums softly in what sounds like his name but her eyes stay closed. He takes a deep breath, wrapping his arms around her and resting his cheek against her hair.

He’s so scared. All he can think is that every day that they’re still in this, still employed to Snoke, the reality of having their child taken away from them becomes more real and he feels so helpless. His throat closes up again and he tries to bite back his tears that come with his late-night panickings as he speculates everything that could go wrong.

He brings his hand between them resting over her abdomen. He’s only known about them for a few weeks but they’re getting bigger every day, he swears. He knows he’s bothering Rey when he asks her every half hour if he can get her anything but he can’t help it. 

_Nine months._ That’s how long it took and she was nearly a third of the way there. Jyn said by the time she’s five or six months along it’ll be impossible to hide. That didn’t give them a lot in time. At least not in comparison to the near ten years that Ben has been keyed into the First Order way of life.

It has to end. 

Jyn and Cassian come by about once every week or so. Jyn checks over Rey. She’s the one that brought the maternity books over and suggested certain websites. She mentioned that she’s never delivered a baby or tended to a pregnant woman but she explains that she’s been doing a lot of research and making calls to some doctors that specialize in maternity and childcare.

He tries to pay her every time because he appreciates her help so much, but she always glares at him and tells him that she won’t accept it.

He knows Jyn hates him. He knows she thinks Rey could do better. And he also knows that’s why she announces every week that too much stress for Rey can result in a plethora of health problems for her or the baby. Rey always settles a hand on his back because she notices it too.

If Ben is being honest, he understands Jyn’s feelings towards him. He knows she must think Rey deserves better. And she’s not wrong, he just hopes she sees how much he really loves Rey and that he’s with her through all of this. But the more Ben thinks about it, he realizes it’s probably not Jyn doubting their love but maybe more so their safety. She probably doubts Ben is capable of actually leaving the First Order.

But he is. They’re getting out.

He’s thought every way about it that he possibly can. The only way he could ever see them truly escaping without Snoke or any of the other cronies coming after them...is if Snoke believed they were already dead.

Tomorrow, he’s going to Hondo’s shop. Hondo Ohnaka. A proper idiot that owes him a favor tenfold and is absolutely terrified of him. If Ben plays his cards right, it should result in Hondo’s cooperation to help him stage something he’s hoping to iron out once he knows he has a willing member. 

He thought of possibly calling Poe but he doesn’t want any First Order assholes to come looking for retribution by killing the guy they assumed to be responsible should he help them stage something effective. So no, he wasn’t going to risk that. 

Hondo however, he’s lucky Ben didn’t kill him several years ago when he had the bright idea to try and hold him hostage and hold him for ransom but Ben quickly got the upper hand and the man was begging for mercy and anything he wanted. So Hondo, whether he likes it or not is going to have to make good on his promise for once because Ben isn’t taking any chances.

Just then, Rey gives one of her soft snores and he smiles against her forehead and it helps him relax enough to finally ease up and try to find rest.

* * *

Ben had left the apartment about an hour ago. He reluctantly got out of bed and dressed after Mitaka called with the contact listings. Rey listened as Ben took one that was based in the city again as he’s done that ever since they got back. Even if the price point is far below what they’re used to. But by no, money wasn’t really the highest of any of their concerns. They had much bigger obstacles at hand. 

Rey wondered if him taking on local and low dollar contracts would raise suspicions, especially if they find out he’s doing them alone (after he begrudgingly made her agree to stay away from any of the action as tame as he claims it’s been). Rey worried that would seem suspicious and Ben agreed but said he’ll just make some excuses about wanting to stay in one place for a while to Snoke and re-familiarize himself with the city to remain the best threat they could be. He said it’s the kind of thing Snoke would admire. 

So today was one of the days he headed out and Rey was on her own in the apartment. If Rey’s being honest, she’s never had so much downtime when he leaves like this. Her whole life has been a strange whirlwind of events but on the days where Ben asks her to stay here, she finds herself sinking into the couch and reading over the books Jyn brought and it’s oddly relaxing. Like she could pretend for once that she was a regular young woman expecting a baby. She finds she doesn’t mind the quiet, only in the moments where she worries about him and hopes that no matter what he’s coming home.

Because no matter how much the quiet domesticity tries to deceive her, it isn’t quite yet earned and she admits she feels guilty to be cooped up safe in their home while Ben was out trying to keep up appearances while they attempted to untangle themselves from this life. Ben mentioned before he left he was going to see someone, a mechanic, about a favor today while he was out. He wanted to be gone within the next few weeks and she agrees that the only way to do this as effectively as they like is to convince the world that Kylo Ren and Kira Niima were dead. It’s the only true way that they could find life as the Solo’s.

It’s those thoughts of finding that life not so far from reach that kept her smiling after Ben kissed her goodbye several times and reluctantly left. She had sat on the couch and picked up one of their dog eared maternity books they’ve been working through, trying to not get herself too worked up over the details of childbirth at the moment. She had enough to worry about to consider something that seemed miles away. There were too many other obstacles that came before she could worry about that, or at least that’s what Rey tells herself to distract herself from the reality of the descriptions of what was inevitably coming for her.

But as she had been sitting there, her phone rang with an impending message from Rose, saying that she and Paige had a free day and were hoping to catch up if she was in the city. Or possibly get drinks at the Castle. 

Rey’s first instinct was to decline but she missed them so much and she hasn’t actually seen them since the day she left Dathomir. 

So she found herself offering for them to come to her. By the time they had already accepted and were on their way, she was explaining the matter to Ben over the phone while she imagined him chewing his lips in uncertainty. But he said he was glad she would have a chance to see them. Neither of them audibly mention that when they run, they probably wouldn't be able to see anyone from this life again. So he was encouraging to have them over as long as they promised not to say a word about anything to anyone at Dathomir and Rey vouched for them.

But as she paces now in front of the door, wearing a blouse that hid the bump of her abdomen and fiddling with the ring on her finger, wondering just how much she should share with them as she recalls how many times they used to get in trouble for talking too loud after lights out. 

_No, they’ll be careful. They’ll understand._

Rey wonders how crazy it’ll all sound. They know by now through her and likely Finn and Poe that Ben has come to mean a lot to her. Rey just wonders if they know he means so much that she got married to him and she’s expecting a baby with him. 

There’s a flurry of excited knocks just then and Rey jolts before moving over to the door, double-checking the peephole to make sure. She sees their familiar faces and Rey takes a deep breath before she opens the door and finds herself immediately engulfed in a hug from both of them. 

“Rey!” they both cheer.

Rey can’t help but beam as she holds tight to both of them before ushering them inside.

“It’s been too long!” Paige announces as Rey closes the door with her foot. The alarm beeps with an alert that it’s closed again and she already knows Ben is probably seeing it show up on his phone. 

“I know. I missed both of you so much,” Rey tells them warmly.

Rose is still hugging her while Paige is taking in the apartment. It was far beyond the size of the room they would share with the others in Dathomir (the room they still stayed in) so she imagines this must look like the high luxury penthouse it really is. Rey knows her face was similar when Ben brought her here for the first time. 

“Well, this is cozy,” Rose chuckles, following after her sister. “You’ve done well for yourself, Johnson, this is amazing,” Rose laughs, nudging her with her elbow. Rey laughs, albeit a little nervously as she hears the name that technically wasn’t hers anymore.

She glances down at her wedding band, wondering if they’d notice or if anything they would assume it’s just simple jewelry. They didn’t seem to notice the bump when they hugged her. Not that they would ever say anything outright if they thought she had gained weight or something. And Rey assumes that the bump must not be as big as her imagination is leading her to believe.

“So where is tall, dark, and ‘adorable’ as you called him,” Paige asks once they’ve moved into the kitchen. 

“I don’t recall saying that.”

“You don’t have to, Rey. We know you’re over the moon for him. And Finn told us so you can’t deny it!” Rose laughs.

Rey scoffs, knowing Finn couldn’t hide much from the Tico sisters as they could be incredibly interrogative when they wanted to be. “Very funny,” Rey tells them, trying to sound unamused but her smirk gives her away.

“But seriously, is he not here? We were hoping to meet him properly,” Rose says. 

“Yeah, as opposed to when we just stared at him when he came to Dathomir that day and thought he was gonna murder you.”

“Oh my God,” Rey covers her face with her hands as she thinks back to that day. She had thought the same thing about him then. “He’s out on a job this morning,” Rey says before she could think of a different excuse.

“On a job? Aren’t you partners? Wouldn’t you be with him?” Paige asks.

“Well, not so much a job but just...well, you know, intel and whatnot,” Rey tries to explain like it’s casual. “It didn’t really need the both of us but he’ll be back later. I know he’d love to meet you both too,” Rey smiles.

“So it’s good then?” Rose asks. “You really like him?”

“I…” Rey stalls, wondering how she could convey to them just how much he means. “I love him.”

Both of their eyebrows shoot up in surprise and Rey notices how Paige glances at Rose. Rey’s heart sinks as she realizes how wide-eyed they must think she is. 

Rose beams though, ignoring her sister. “Oh, Rey, that’s...that’s great. Does he feel the same?” she asks clumsily.

Rey can only imagine how naive they must think she is. After spending the better part of fifteen years hearing her talk about her parents and how they loved her only to see how that turned out, they probably thought she was jumping to things too quickly. Perhaps it was best to keep the truth to herself. 

Still, she nods. “Yeah...he does,” she says, finding herself more hormonal than she would like to be. 

She feels Rose settle a hand to her shoulder. “Rey that’s amazing...I’m so happy for you.”

“Yeah,” Paige smiles. “Not that it’s that much of a surprise. You’re not too difficult to fall in love with, you know,” she jokes making Rey laugh. “If this guy’s got any sense he would have fallen for you instantly.”

“Alright, knock it off. You’re not here to flatter me. I want to hear about you two as well.”

“Rey, we’ve just been cooped up at school doing the usual. You’re the one who’s been out to see the world with some handsome dude that’s obsessed with you. We want to hear everything!”

“Everything?” Rey chuckles, wondering how she could even explain it. 

“Yeah. Tell us about you and...you’ve been calling him Ben? Not Kylo?”

“Yeah, Ben. That’s his real name though so don’t go telling-“

“As if we’re gonna tell anyone anything, Rey. You can trust us. Seriously.”

“I know. I do. I just know how Dathomir gets. Turns out the only reason Talzin got me partnered with him in the first place is because Phasma convinced them that I was conspiring against the First Order.”

“What?!”

“That bitch. She was just trying to boot you out; she was always jealous.”

“Yeah, she’s been trying to run the place since you left but you know she can’t replace you in ballet. Even Talzin mutters about it sometimes.”

Rey chuckles because she’s not sure she could believe it. 

“And then you had the spring perform–”

“Ugh, Rey, the last thing we want to talk about on our day off is school. _Please._ Indulge us and tell us the tales of life with Kylo Ren-Ben-Boogeyman-lover boy,” Paige smirks. 

Rey blushes, bringing a hand to her face to cover one of her cheeks. “Very well, then I’ll let you get comfortable. Can I get you anything?” Rey asks, hoping more than anything they don’t ask for coffee. “Tea or something?”

“Oh that’d be great,” Rose smiles, walking forward in the kitchen towards the cabinet Rey was aiming for. “Let me help you.”

“Oh thank you.”

“Rey, can I use the bathroom?” Paige asks. 

“Oh, of course. It’s through that hallway, first door on the left,” Rey points, trying to grab the kettle from the cabinet.

“I really missed you, Rey,” Rose tells her once it’s just the two of them. “Dathomir isn’t as bearable without you.”

“Oh Rose, I’m sorry. I wish I could just keep you two with me so you don’t have to go back.”

Rose shrugs, knowing it’s impossible. 

“Anyways, I was gonna ask, because we didn’t get to really say goodbye that day or see you leave her office about the…” Rose trails off and Rey waits for her to say something else but she doesn’t. But Rose points indirectly to Rey’s shoulders and Rey pieces together what she’s trying to say.

“You know,” Rose says quietly. 

The brand.

“Right, yeah,” Rey nods, thinking back to it.

“Did it...hurt as much as we thought it would?” Rose asks cautiously.

Rey sighs. “It was bad...and it hurt for weeks after. Dr. Erso from Maz’s helped me get some burn ointment and to tend to it properly but I think it nearly got infected. I slept on my stomach for over a month after,” Rey recalls.

“How is it now?”

Rey reaches for the back of her neck and turns around, pushing her collar down enough for Rose to see. Instantly she hears her wince. “Rey...fuck.”

“I know,” she says quietly. She thinks back to Spain when Ben saw the mark for the first time. He had been horrified by it but it had led to one of the most honest conversations they had had at the time. It led them to reveal their true names.

Rose shivers. “I don’t want to get it. I mean I know you didn’t either, but it seems so twisted. It’s not fair. The only way out of there is to be claimed by her permanently. No matter what.”

“It’s fucked,” Rey shakes her head, watching the kettle on the stove. 

“Does it bother you now? Are you able to go a day without thinking about it?”

“No,” Rey admits honestly. “But if I’m honest, it helps me move forward. It helps me realize that for the most part, I’m doing a lot better out here than I was in there. And Ben...he’s easy to talk to about these things,” Rey tells her. At least once a day, he kisses her there, spewing apologies for something that was never in his control but for some reason he felt responsible for. “He’s got scars too.”

Rose nods in understanding. “I’m glad he’s been so good to you. I mean, after all, he is the boogeyman.”

Rey smirks. “Well, funny story actually,” Rey starts as she thinks back to the new name they coined in Casablanca. But before she could continue, Paige strolls back in slowly with something in her hands, and Rey’s heart stops as she sees what it is.

One of the maternity books. 

“Rey?” she croaks out. “What is this?”

Rose covers her mouth as she must finally realize what it is. The two sisters look to her in shock, the silence in the room loaded with sudden tension. 

Rey steps forward slowly towards Paige, intending to get the book back. She must have left it somewhere too visible. She had been so nervous about them coming over she forgot about leaving the books out. As she steps over, both sisters look to her like deer in the headlights until Rose finally finds her voice again. 

“Rey, why do you have that? Are...are you _pregnant?”_

Rey takes the book into her hands, realizing it’s the book where she was keeping one of her favorite Polaroids as a bookmark. One of her and Ben on their wedding day. Rey looks back up to both of them with the book and the photo held tenderly in her hands as she slowly starts to nod. Their eyes get even wider as they gasp.

“Yeah,” Rey says, because as shocking as it may be, she’s proud about it. She wants this so bad and she doesn’t want to hide it from people she cares so much about. “Yeah, I am.”

There’s a mix of emotions on their faces. Mostly shock, Rey sees, as they bound towards her with their arms outreached as they hug her tightly. But she saw something else there too. Fear or hesitance. Sometimes Jyn has that look to her too. Especially at first. Because Rey knows how it sounds. She knows how she must look. Raising a child in a position such as hers was alarming and practically a deathwish. But she wasn’t going about this alone. Ben was just as committed as Rey was to get them free from this and to raise their family far from the reaches of this world that very few truly knew the treachery of.

“Rey,” Paige begins softly, still hugging her as was Rose. “This seems really...big.”

“Like _monumental,_ ” Rose croaks. 

“I know. It is,” Rey confirms, looking down at the photo of her and Ben, inviting them to look at it too.

“And Ben...he knows all this, right?” Paige as they pull away to look at her. 

Rey nods. “Of course,” Rey says, turning the photo so they can see it more clearly. “This is from when we got married. The day after I finally told him.”

They both look between her, the photo, and then the book in her hands, trying to piece it all together.

“You and him, y-you’re married?” Rose asks.

“And expecting a child?” Paige finishes. 

Suddenly Rey picks up on the hesitance more than anything. She knows it comes from a place of concern for her and Rey knew better than to expect that they would immediately find it happy news. Rey was conflicted about how to feel at first herself. She just needs to assure them she was going to be alright. 

“We’re not staying in the First Order. We’re getting out of this together.”

That doesn't seem to change their mood in the slightest. 

“Rey...we know you always wanted a family but I don’t want you to feel pressured to run out a start one with the first guy that you’ve ever…” Paige trails off before she finishes. 

Rey feels tears swell in her eyes as she starts to gather what Paige is saying. Less in regards to safety and more because they know Ben was her first relationship.

“I know how it looks,” Rey starts. “I know I’ve always been a little naive...or I jump to conclusions despite the truth of what I know,” she looks down, thinking of her parents. “But with Ben, everything is different. He knows me...He’s there for me always.”

They both look at her, that same mix of emotions still on her face. 

“He loves me and he wants this just as much as I do. And I know how impossible that may sound but–”

Rose reaches for her again. “No, we don’t doubt that he would, Rey. We just want you to be safe and not feel pressured to rush into anything.”

”I’m not!” Rey’s tears choke her back a bit. “It sounds crazy. I know it hasn’t been that long. I know he’s my first... _everything._ But I don’t really care about any of that. I feel right with him. I feel hopeful and the most like myself I recall ever being. I feel happy. Truly happy for possibly the first time in my life and as terrified as I am for everything that’s to come, I’m facing it with him and that makes me feel brave. I know it’ll be possible.”

She feels so defensive not just for herself, but for Ben, for the baby, and for their future that they want so badly. Rey sniffles feeling as if she’s exposed. She wipes her eyes, tucking the photo of them back in the book. While she looks down, she feels both of them settle hands on her shoulders. 

“We’re sorry, Rey. We didn’t mean to upset you,” Paige says softly. “You really want this with him, then?”

Rey nods, unable to speak any longer as her throat was packed with sobs she wasn’t willing to release. 

“Then that’s all that matters,” Rose says. “Rey, if you really are happy then we’re happy. It’s just in our nature to worry over you.”

Rey gives a small smile as they pull her into a big hug but her tears still fall because she’s glad to have said what she did. She’s never felt as protective over anything as she is with this.

They stay like that for a long while before they finally pull away to look at her again. This time their faces are tear-straked as well but they’re smiling. 

“So you’re having a baby, huh?” Rose chuckles, looking down at her.

Rey laughs, wiping her eyes. “Yeah. About three months now.”

“Three months! My god and you’ve just told us now,” Paige chuckles. “What do you know about them?”

Rey smiles, her hands gravitating towards her abdomen. “Not much if I’m honest. We only know that they’re healthy and growing which is all I could ask for at the moment.”

“When do you find out if it’s a boy or girl?” Rose asks.

“Well,” Rey looks to the ceiling, trying to find a way to best explain it. She wipes at her face to rid of any lingering tears. “Dr. Erso, the doctor I told you about, she’s who has been looking after us. She’s actually the one that confirmed it for me and she and Dr. Andor stop by often enough to check us over but we all have to be fairly discrete so we don’t get a lot more than just a diagnosis of how they seem to be progressing. Jyn says that she’s not sure if or when she’ll get the equipment for ultrasounds to see them before they’re born. But she’s been really helpful so far. She’s the one that brings these books for us and Ben and I have been reading through them constantly and leaving them about.”

“Wow,” Paige breathes. “Rey, you’re going to be a mom.”  
  
“I know. It’s terrifying but I...I can’t wait,” she smiles. 

“Well, tell us everything. _Everything_!” Rose says, guiding them back for the living room while Paige finishes up with the tea. “Including the wedding!”

Rey blushes, feeling better than just a few minutes prior. 

* * *

Ben is in the elevator with two boxes of pizza in his arms. He had called ahead and asked what she and the baby were in the mood for. But she mentioned that her friends were still there and she had invited them to stay. Hence the extra pizza. 

He was uneasy at first when Rey said that she was having some friends over. But he’s seen from Finn that she has good taste in friends that she could trust. Still, he finds himself fretting over all the possible outcomes. But when it comes to Rey, he imagines no matter where they are, he’ll be worried.

He walks down the hallway approaching their door. He finds himself smirking. Years he’s walked down this hallway whenever he was in this city. Never could he have imagined how much it would come to mean to him. It does feel like a home in a way he never could have expected and he finds he just might miss it when he and Rey have to leave. 

But it comes with too much baggage and Ben knows wherever they find to raise their family will be their true home. No matter where it is. 

He opens the door to hear some unfamiliar voices. But Rey appears around the corner in an instant. The smile she gives him makes him sigh with relief and it’s like a weight off his shoulders.

He holds the pizzas to the side so that he can hug her close with his other arm as she rises to her toes to kiss him softly. He smiles against her lips. He loves the way she smells. It’s so comforting. He presses his forehead to hers when he pulls away. “All good?” he asks her.

She nods, her nose nudging his. “And you?”

He hears a throat clear from the other side of the room and Ben smirks. “It’s good news, I promise. But I’ll tell you later,” he says quietly as Rey turns in his arms, taking the pizza from him before guiding them over to their guests. 

“Rose, Paige, this is Ben.”

“You mean your _husband,_ ” Paige laughs.

So she told them then.

“Yes, my husband. Don’t make fun of us,” she tells them in a mocking sort of way that also makes them laugh. “Ben,” Rey turns to him with big eyes, “this is Rose and Paige Tico.”

“Of course,” he smiles, extending his hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you both. Rey’s told me so much about both of you.”

Both of the girls laugh. “Well, she talks about you non-stop.”

Rey rolls her eyes at them. “So cheeky all of a sudden.”

As the four of them sit down to the table that has scarcely been used for more than just them, Ben feels it’s quite domestic. Especially considering how they’ve previously utilized the table. Rey winks when she sits next to him and passes him a plate, no doubt recalling the same instance as him. He smiles, taking a deep breath, glad to be home.

“Thank you for getting dinner,” she breathes out while Paige and Rose were discussing toppings. Rey settles a hand on his leg. 

Ben covers her hand with his own. “Of course. I’m glad to know little bean likes pizza.”

Rey gives him one of her smiles that lets him know he’s home. 

* * *

As the night went on, Rose and Paige bounce up, saying they had to get back to school soon. Curfew. Ben offered to drive them so they all headed down to the garage level. It was only when they made it to the car that Rey made a face. 

“Ok, wait, I’m sorry. You’ll hate me but I have to go to the bathroom.”

“No, it’s ok. Go. We’ll get there in time. It’s not like we’re walking,” Rose tells her, and Rey nods, quickly speeding back where they came. Ben knows Rey has had a more temperamental bladder as she progresses in her pregnancy. Something he read was increasingly expected as the baby got bigger. 

However, Rey’s sudden absence does find him alone for the first time with the two sisters. Something they seem to notice as soon as he does as they nod to each other a little awkwardly, realizing the main conversationalist between them was gone. Ben clears his throat, unsure what to say. He thought he was getting better at conversation. He tries to think of questions he hasn’t asked by now...but then Rose speaks first. 

“You know, I got to say,” she starts, looking at her sister before she looks back to him, “we were really worried about her when she left. Especially when we saw she was leaving with...well, let’s just say your reputation precedes you.”

Ben nods in understanding, realizing where this must be going. 

“And when she started to say how much she liked you...we got even more nervous. She’s always been that way, you know. Emotional and very attached to things that she wanted to be true but not always were. And we didn’t want to see her get hurt.”

“I understand.”

“And I’ll admit, I was nervous when we got here and it all started to fall in place. Finn told us you checked out but I still had reservations. Especially when we realized it wasn’t just you but now the...” Rose pauses for a moment before she says, “the baby. And we started to get worried. We don't want to see her get hurt. _Either of them_ for that matter.”

“I know. Believe me, I’m not going to let anything happen to them. They’re...” Ben shakes his head trying to finds the words, “they’re everything to me.”

“I can tell,” Rose says with a smile. “I wasn’t sure about you at first but we can see now,” she looks to Paige who was nodding. “You mean well. You really love her.”

Ben feels his cheeks heat up. “I do. I’ve never known anyone like her and she’s changed my whole life. _Everything._ There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her.”

Paige chuckles. “She said the same thing about you.”

“That’s why I hope you know what you’re doing,” Rose adds. “We hope you know a way out of this. She thinks you’re really going to get out for good.”

Ben’s throat goes dry. “We will,” he promises. “I’m working on it.”

“Then best of luck to you, Solo,” Paige smiles up at him. “Just promise you’ll look out for her. She always looks out for others, most of the time before herself.”

“I promise I will. She’s my wife,” he says, holding a hand to his chest, hoping they know how much he means it.

“Oh, and you have to help change the diapers,” Rose adds with a smirk, and Ben chuckles.

“I plan on it.”

Paige joins in. “And you have to rub her feet when they get swollen as she gets bigger.”

“I will,” he vows, mentally filing that away for later. 

“And when she’s in labor and she tells you she hates you, try not to take it personally.”

Ben blinks, realizing as terrifying as that sounded it was probably true. “Right...okay.”

“Yeah, no, you’ll be good,” Paige pats his arm. “You’ve got Rey. You’ll be fine.”

Just then the door swings open again and Rey comes rushing through. “I’m back. Sorry, sorry. Thank you all for waiting.”

They all tell her it was no problem as it resulted in quite a pleasant but necessary conversation as they load up into the car and drive away. If only they weren’t headed towards a place as loathsome as Dathomir. 

* * *

They were headed back home after they said their goodbyes to Rose and Paige. Rey had teared up a little when they hugged, wondering when or if she would even see them again. 

Ben reached for her hand over the gear shift, holding it tightly as she sniffled. 

“Sorry...hormones,” she explains.

“Sweetheart, it’s okay.”

Rey pulls away from the window as he pulls into the garage beneath the building once more. “I’ll miss them,” Rey says too simply for how much she really feels it.

Ben turns to her once they’re parked and the car is off. “I know you will. I wish...I wish things could be different. I wish of all places we didn’t have to take them back there.”

Rey nods in agreement, one of her hands covering her face as she feels guilty she can’t help them more. 

“But Rey, they love you so much. They’re really wonderful friends and I promise, we’ll see them again one day.”

She looks to him, bringing her other hand to rest with his. “Thank you...for everything. I know this was a lot to ask.”

“It wasn’t, Rey. I was glad to meet them. They were wonderful and I’m glad you told them. I don’t want you to feel like you’re being hidden away.”

“No, I know we have to be careful. But when they first figured it out earlier...I don’t know, I got so upset, you know? Because I knew they were only trying to make sure I was being careful and that I wasn’t being rushed into anything...but they always looked after me. That’s what we always had to do at school. It’s so cutthroat there and I realize that from an outside perspective...I must seem crazy for making all the decisions that I have. Jyn probably thinks so too. But I just...I know I’m young and I know to most people it probably seems like I’m rushing into something I don’t understand. And I know they all mean well...and I know what we are," she says with a shrug. It was unavoidable to deny her occupation, her upbringing, her entire life.

“Everyone has every reason to find me too naive but...I know what I want, and after everything we’ve been through and all we’ve had to endure, I feel like we deserve to want something for ourselves. To live for what we want instead of what we’re told to be.”

“Rey,” Ben breathes out, “We’re gonna get it. I promise you.”

Rey looks to him, her eyes swelling with tears. “It _is_ crazy...isn’t it?” 

A long moment passes but then he answers. “It is…” Ben answers solemnly. But he squeezes her hand tighter. “But it’s worth it.”

Rey nods in agreement. 

“Rey...it's so worth it. And it's gonna work. We're going to find that life. The life you and the baby deserve. The life I'm gonna work every moment to try and deserve too."

"You do, Ben. You deserve it now," Rey tells him, tears falling. It hurts to think Ben considers himself like this. If only he could see himself through her eyes. 

But Ben shrugs, moving right along. "It's possible though. More than possible. It's near reality. I went and spoke to Hondo today. He’s onboard. By this time next week we could be gone,” he whispers, even though they’re still in the car.

“Really?” Rey croaks out, looking at him. Ben mentioned Hondo was a mechanic of questionable character and ethics but owed Ben a large favor. “You don’t think he’d tell anyone, do you?”

Ben shakes his head. “We’re gonna be fine.”

Rey beams at him, sniffling as she reaches for him and hugs him across the gearshift. She thinks back to Rose and Paige’s concern from earlier when they still weren’t sure about him. She is grateful for their protective nature but Rey is so relieved that Ben is who he is because she loves him so much. He really wants this with her and she doesn’t know how she got so lucky. 

“For the record,” Ben breathes, still hugging her, “You have to be more than a little crazy to get married to me. Your friends were smart to double-check.”

Rey laughs, pulling back to kiss him softly. 

* * *

Ben woke up to a loud sound and he sprung up from the bed, his arm instinctively reaching for Rey. But as he gathers himself and breathes, he realizes it was Rey’s phone, ringing with an incoming phone call from none other than Jyn. 

_Right._ They were supposed to come by today. 

“Hello?” Rey breathes out, trying to get her hair out of her face. “Hey. Yeah...yeah, of course. Whatever’s best for you. Thank you. Alright, I’ll see you soon,” Rey says kindly before hanging up.

“They coming now?” he grumbles, waiting for her to put her phone back down so he could pull her back.

“Yeah. They’ve got a busy schedule later. They want to stop by now,” she says with a yawn, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

Ben scoots over clumsily, still tired himself as he reaches for her, pressing sloppy kisses where he can. “Don’t get up yet.”

“I’ve got to pee!” She laughs, pulling herself from his arms and he watches as she heads to the bathroom, grabbing his discarded shirt from the night before to cover herself.

Ben regretfully rises from the bed, stretching a bit and reaching for his underwear before getting to his feet. He realizes he’s got to get dressed now if they had company coming over although he would prefer to get in the shower with his wife and have a quiet morning. But he knows soon enough they will arrive and that drives him forward.

So instead, he wanders to the closet and steps into some pants off the hangar, and pulls on one of his undershirts, figuring that was presentable enough for Jyn and Cassian. 

He makes his way to the bathroom with her robe in hand where he finds her at the counter already brushing her teeth. He smiles, relieved that her nausea hasn’t plagued her this morning. He drapes her robe over her shoulders before reaching for his own toothbrush.

He watches her though as she brushes through her hair and puts that lotion on her hands. She offers him some as always and he holds out his hands with his toothbrush in his mouth. She massages his hands, particularly his knuckles that were dry and it’s so tender and sweet that Ben ignores the burning of the toothpaste.

Back before they truly got together, he used to wonder how she smelled so good but between her lotion and shampoo the mystery was solved and he relishes the opportunity to use it whenever she offers. 

“Oo ‘ook ‘utiful,” he tells her, foaming and incoherent with the brush still in his mouth. Rey rolls her eyes, gathering enough of what he’s saying to scoff at him. 

“You say that every morning.”

He spits into the sink finally, able to speak again. “Because every morning I mean it.”

She pretends to ignore him but she’s smirking into the mirror and he wraps his arms around her middle, his hands resting over her abdomen. He beams, resting his chin over her head as he decides they’re most definitely a little bigger today. 

“Are you heading out today?”

His blissful haze is broken at the mention of the outside world. Regrettably, he has to. “I’ve made no headway on the contract I signed on for the other day. I’ve got to do it today or Snoke will get suspicious.”

“Right,” Rey says quietly, the smile falling from her face. She turns in his arms to look up at him and he can see the worry on her face. 

“We’ll be okay,” he breathes out. “I’ll finish this one today and then, by the next time Mitaka calls asking about listings we’ll be all ready so that it all falls into place. This is almost over.”

Rey nods but he can see the shine to her eyes that probably match the shine in his own. The grumble of her stomach lightens the mood though as he smiles, holding her close with a kiss to her forehead. “Breakfast?” he offers and the chuckle she gives is all he needs to guide them out of the bathroom.

* * *

Rey was halfway through the stack of pancakes Ben made her when Jyn and Cassian knocked on the door. She answers it as Ben was still cooking. Even though she’s just in her pajamas she thinks they’ve reached a point with the two doctors where they don’t expect her to be in anything else. 

Since Jyn and Cassian were now privy to so much about them and there was little use in pretending to be someone they weren’t they officially introduced themselves as Ben and Rey instead of Kylo and Kira so the past few weeks with them have at least felt more personal than they were at the Castle. 

They both give her a smile but whereas Cassian gravitates towards Ben in the kitchen, Jyn pulls Rey towards the bedroom immediately as that’s where most of their home-based appointments transpired. 

Rey can tell Jyn doesn’t like Ben all too much. She’s made plenty of remarks on their age gap, his reputation, and on more than one occasion, Jyn has asked Rey if she needs some space from him. Today follows a similar pattern. Ben looks hopeful as she disappears around the corner but Jyn says she would like a moment alone with ' _the patient'_ as Jyn refers to her.

Jyn has Rey sit back on the bed to do the usual series of check up things. Her blood pressure and her heart rate and whatnot. Jyn has it all down to a system now and she expresses that she really enjoys learning about natal care and it’s the first time in years she’s looked forward to seeing her patients again for such an exciting reason.

“I actually have a surprise for you today,” she says as she unloads something from her bag. “Cassian and I picked this up yesterday. I know I can’t promise you an ultrasound just yet but I might have a temporary workaround that’s the next best thing.”

“Really?” Rey asks, sitting up a bit, transfixed by the odd little machine Jyn was fiddling with. 

Jyn nods. “I think so. We’re gonna test it now to make sure it works but it should operate fine. We’ll be able to get a listen to what’s going on in there.”

“Can I call Ben in?” Rey asks. 

Jyn huffs but Rey can see her smirk as she starts to nod. “Alright, yeah, I’ll call him in.”

Jyn opens the door and calls down the hallway and Rey laughs as in an instant she hears Ben rushing from the kitchen. He barges in the door making a beeline for her. “Everything okay?” he asks her quietly as he comes to sit beside her. 

Rey nods, reaching for his hand. “Jyn says she has something to hear the baby.”

His eyes go wide and he holds her hand even tighter. Jyn asks her to lay down and pull the shirt up so she can put this cold gel on her skin. But Rey isn’t bothered by it as she’s too excited.

Jyn powers on the little machine and settles the wand on her stomach and after a moment, the sound of a heartbeat fills the air. A heartbeat that wasn’t hers but sounded strong and steady and possibly the most beautiful thing she’s ever heard.

But she looks to Ben, he seems to be in an odd trance, looking between her stomach and the little machine where the noise was coming from. He looks like he’s holding back a sob as he takes in the sound for himself. 

Rey reaches up, bringing her hand to his cheek so he’ll look at her and when he does, tears stream down as a big smile breeches his face.

“That’s our baby,” he breathes out as he leans forward to hug her. 

Rey’s own tears fall then as she smiles into his shoulder. “It is,” she rasps out. 

Their embrace is only compromised when Jyn tells them to pull back a bit so she could clean the gel off her stomach.

* * *

Ben felt like he was in a daze for the remainder of the morning. He hated to leave the apartment. After Jyn and Cassian left, he almost stayed but Rey told him he had to go and she was right. The sooner he took care of all this the sooner they were out.

He did tell her to start gathering everything they wanted to take with them as he’s not sure when they’ll be leaving but it was best to be prepared.

He’s been a smiley slobbery mess though because of what he heard this morning. The baby’s heartbeat. It’s never felt as real as it does now and he’s not about to lose momentum. 

Unfortunately, that involved finishing his job that he was finding increasingly flawed the more he thinks of impending fatherhood. He thinks of the books they’ve been reading through and the photos of how to hold babies to support their head (he practices on pillows). But he thinks ahead, to holding his child knowing all the atrocities he has brought upon this world, all because he believed himself to be the monster he was expected to be. 

But he can’t be like that anymore. He has to be better. Their child deserves an amazing father and although Ben knows he may never be as perfect as they need, he will try his hardest to be the best he can. He's never known anything about children. He's never thought about having his own until Rey told him she was pregnant. He's been a bundle of nerves for a myriad of reasons but as it all starts to get more real, he can't help but feel like no matter what he'll work it out. All he really knows of the baby is what their heartbeat sounds like but it was all he needed to hear to know for certain that whoever they were he loved them more than anything and he would do absolutely anything for them. He would love them forever.

_Even if they did to him what he did to his father..._

Ben stuffs his emotions down for now. He tries to accept that, for today, he had to be Kylo. So he makes his way through the city, hunting down the contract he signed on for. A drug dealer by the name of Elan Sel'Sabagno. Ben knows very little about him except that he’s a bit of a sleaze that was smart and a good dealer but according to his employer he’s gotten too addicted to the supply and he’s more trouble than he’s worth. 

Word was that he hangs out during the day in more commercialized locations trying to get younger kids hooked onto the product as Elan was pretty young himself. So Ben finds himself rotating in the shopping districts of all places which was... _uncommon_ for him. It was overcrowded and overcommercialized.

Although nothing could really bring down his mood after the morning he had.

And as Ben weaves himself discretely as he can through walkways and in front of stores, his eyes wander and he finds himself stopped to a halt as he takes in the display in one of them.

Ben never pays attention to what he sees in these windows but he found himself drawn to this one. It’s a clothing store or specifically, a clothing store for children... _babies_. 

And the little pale yellow onesie hung up on the clothesline steals his focus in an instant.

It’s got a little sun on it with a sweet happy face and it’s framed by an elaborate banner hung up with dozens of other yellow things that capture the mood as it reads: _For your little ray of sunshine._

It should make him scoff but he’s too sentimental to do anything but beam at it. It was too fitting. Any child with Rey for a mother was bound to be just as bright, even if they were burdened with half of his genetics, he thinks to himself.

But he wants it, he decides. He’d like to go in and buy it and surprise Rey with it when he gets home. He wants something tangible to relate to the baby after his senses were overcome this morning by being able to hear them. Their heartbeat. So he decides in an instant that above all else he needs this onesie. His paranoid mind keeps him where he is as he thinks of how exposed he must be, on a job no less. And he’s already wasted enough time not finishing the job he was meant to do.

But his mind scarcely thinks of anything other than the baby. And it’s not like going in and buying it would take a monumental amount of time. He could be in and out in under two minutes. So he quickly convinces himself that his impulse to buy it is right and he looks all around to ensure it was safe enough before he jogged inside.

He hasn’t been inside a regular store in a long time but the moment he crosses the threshold, a very enthusiastic young woman alerts him of the sale they’re having today and why he should be buying not one but two parkas fit for a child but he politely declines. 

“Uh, I was just looking at the yellow onesie in the window,” he points behind him, wondering for a moment if that’s what it was called as he doubts himself but she understands.

“Oh, yes! Of course! From our sunshine collection!” 

Ben flinches. Her tone is friendly but loud. He follows her to the side of the store where he finds a whole display of them folded out on a table. 

“How old is your baby?”

“Oh, uh...they’re not born yet, I just–”

“Aww, how sweet. Well in that case I’ll find you one fit for a newborn so they can wear it sooner.”

“Thank you,” Ben says, taking out his wallet, hoping that would accelerate the process. Ben follows her to the register, passing over some cash as he looks over his shoulder, ensuring no one had followed him in. 

When she takes the cash Ben takes the onesie from the counter. It looked even smaller when he was holding it. It was relative to the size the baby would be when they were born. 

They’ll be so tiny. 

He smiles to himself as he folds it gently and situates it in his pocket. It was small enough. 

“Oh, you don’t want a bag?” she asks him.

“No, thank you,” he tells her, making his way back for the door.

“Wait, sir, your change!”

“Keep it!” Ben calls back, realizing he probably paid more than triple what it was commercially worth. But to him, it was already priceless. 

He rushes back outside hoping that no one would be the wiser as he continued on his quest to find Elan lurking somewhere. 

Unfortunately, he only makes it about another block before his phone rings. At first, he smiles, thinking it would be Rey but he sinks when he sees it’s Mitaka. 

“What?” He answers sternly. 

_“He’d like to speak with you,”_ the man says in his usual nervous tone. 

“Snoke?” Ben asks, annoyed. 

_“Yes. He says it will be brief. He just wants to discuss something with you.”_

_Fuck_...this was probably about Rey’s tattoos that he wanted to get finalized. He would have to think of one more lie that bought them at least another week before they got free. But he’ll think of something. 

“Alright. I’m on my way. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

Ben groans as he heads back for his car, realizing this delays his final contract once again but he can’t ignore a summons by Snoke. Disregarding the man's call would be a death wish. 

So he makes his way over to the First Order. 

As he finds himself entering the building within twenty minutes as he had told Mitaka and loading into the elevator, he wrings his hands a little nervously. But he’s glad he did as he remembers his wedding ring on his hand. Something that Snoke would surely notice. Quickly he slides it off his finger and tucks it in his inner jacket pocket. 

As the elevator rises closer and closer to the top where his boss was waiting, he tucks his hand in his big pocket where the onesie was folded up. It lets him take a deep breath as he revels in the softness of the fabric. He imagines what their baby might look like and how cute they’ll be wearing it.

It’s funny, just a few months ago he was in this building, awaiting a meeting with his boss that would forever change his life when he would be told to partner up with a young girl from Dathomir. And as hesitant as he was at first, she has changed his life so much and it’s really everything that he never knew he always wanted. After all that Snoke has taken from him, Ben supposes he should feel grateful for bringing her into his life.

The elevator dings on arrival and Ben pulls his hand from his pocket. He steps over to the little nook where Mitaka sits and Ben nods to him before sitting in his usual seat to wait. But he’s not there for more than ten seconds before Mitaka calls over, “He’s ready for you now.”

Ben tries to ensure that nothing about him appears out of place as Snoke was meticulous about presentation. But as he steps inside, buttoning his jacket and running his hands through his hair, Mitaka gives him a peculiar face. It wasn’t a terribly uncommon look for him as Mitaka was one of the most skittish people he’s ever met and Ben wonders constantly how the hell he found himself to be the secretary of the scariest asshole in the city. 

Ben ignores the uneasy look on the man’s face as he tries to school a neutral expression on his own. He enters to once again be framed by the half dozen guards that stay at full attention against the walls. Ben walks between them, trying as always not to pay them too much mind as he focuses on the figure hunched at his desk. 

Snoke.

Ben stands with his hands behind his back, waiting patiently for his boss to address him first. He knows by now not to speak until spoken to. 

“You know,” Snoke starts, “I’ve been in this business for a long time. I’ve seen a lot change over time. A lot that’s surprised me more than I care to admit.”

He always starts with some cryptic line like this and Ben refrains from rolling his eyes. 

“So I try to predict every possible outcome before it happens. That way I’m always a step ahead. Can you understand that?”

“Yes, sir,” Ben nods.

“However, I must admit that even the lengths of my imagination can not conjure up such outlandish outcomes, but times are always changing. People change, lose their way, and I suppose you start to realize it isn’t as much of a surprise as you thought it’d be.”

Ben gulps unsure what was happening. 

“Do you know what I’m talking about?” Snoke asks.

Ben just nods. “Surprises, yes. Things when you least expect, I am accustomed to them a lot, I suppose,” Ben says honestly. This last month alone has been filled with surprises.

“So I do hope it won’t be too devastating for you to hear that the pathetic contract you signed on for days ago was just closed by somebody else?”

“What?” Ben asks, his heart picking up.

Snoke holds up a file on his desk. “Elan Sel'Sabagno. Seven hundred thousand dollar bounty. Contract issued by Hat Lo. You and your partner signed on for him days ago but not only did you make absolutely no effort but he’s already been taken care of by another employee. All because Elan got in the way of another job and Hux had to take necessary precautions to ensure he was dead.”

_Hux? Fucking Hux took out his contract?_

“Fucking Armitage doing your job. Never thought it'd come to this but it seems even the best are destined to fall," Snoke sneers. "Would you like to try and explain as to why the fuck your performance has been this lazy...or should I take a guess at it? Because like I said, I prefer to stay one step ahead and you're too predictable to make it that much of a mystery.”

Ben shakes his head, his hands already clammy as he starts to realize the turn this has suddenly taken. “Sir, I apologize for the delay on Sel'Sabagno. I realize how this must look but I–”

“It looks like you don’t give a shit anymore,” Snoke throws out and Ben takes a step closer, holding up his hands. "It looks like you've gone soft."

“No, no, I just...I told you I– _we_ wanted to refamiliarize ourselves with how we work in New York since it’s been so long since we've had a job here and things have changed a lot. I thought it would be effective to sharpen some skills.”

“Sharpen some skills? You didn’t even know the contract was already executed. You’re not paying any fucking attention!”

“No, I–This is just one job. We've been working really well for months. We destroyed Crimson Dawn!” Ben tries to defend himself. It was one job. After a near decade of service it only takes one job for Snoke to go fucking ballistic? Why is Ben surprised? Why wasn’t he more careful when he knew the stakes?

Snoke ignores him. “How many times have I asked you to bring her here? How many weeks have the two of you been in this city and pretending like the rules don't apply to you? You are the faces of my business and if you don't give a fuck or let other employees get a handle on your own fucking contracts then we have a problem.”

“We didn’t–”

“How many excuses will you feed me? Do you think just because you’ve been here for years makes you immune to listening to me? Do you think Kira being your partner means she gets special treatment? I don’t care what her performance has been like at this point. She should be punished for her insolence!”

“No, sir. It’s my fault. R–Kira isn’t to blame for anything,” Ben stutters, panicking so bad he nearly said her name. "If you punish anyone punish me. Please."

Snoke gets very still, staring at him with an unsettling sneer. But before Ben can attempt to say anything else, to try and reverse the damage, Snoke snaps his fingers and the guards charge forward. Ben turns to face them but they strike him in the face and head a few times so hard his nose cracks and blood drips into his mouth. He collapses on his knees to the ground where a few of them seize him, keeping him there.

He groans in pain, curled towards the floor until he feels a firm grip on his hair pull him back up to face Snoke who was stepping around his desk to stand before him. 

“I don’t know why I’m surprised. I knew eventually you’d disappoint me as you’ve always been far too sentimental. Far too emotional. I thought at most, the girl would frustrate you, possibly even tempt you. But ultimately realign you to be stronger than ever. For a moment there, I thought it was working and that soon enough I’d have a new hold on you. But I see now, she must be the explanation. She must be the distraction that’s causing this behavior from you. At least I see now the hold I expected was effective but it’s too far. Now you think yourself above all this. Above me!”

“N-No,” Ben stammers. “Please, just let me explain.”

“Silence!” Snoke shouts and the hand in his hair tugs tighter and he gets a swift knee in his ribs.

Snoke snaps his fingers and two of the guards that weren’t holding him down approach, patting him down and emptying his pockets. 

“No,” Ben rasps out, trying to push them away but the hold on him is too strong. Ben sees the little yellow onesie from his pocket pulled out and exposed to the room before it is handed to Snoke himself and he holds it like it was a used handkerchief. 

“What is this?” Snoke grounds out furiously. “For fuck’s sake, tell me you’re not this stupid.”

“And this, sir,” one of the guards says, holding out his wedding ring they took from him and placing it in Snoke’s palm.

A sob chokes Ben as he sees where this is all going and terror grips him tighter than the hold the guards have on him. 

“What is the meaning of this?” Snoke asks gravely, looking down at the items. “I was going to give you a choice!" He screams. "Another opportunity to redeem yourself and kill the girl before you got any closer to her but I see now it’s too late. You’ve lost sight of it all completely,” Snoke says as if he’s never been more scandalized or disappointed. “Fucking disgraceful,” he shakes his head as he tosses the onesie and the ring on his desk before wiping his hands on his pants as if they were dirty.

Ben’s heart is pounding like never before. He feels as if he’s spiraling down in horror, watching as everything he holds dear is now going to be taken from him and he grits his teeth, fighting to try and get free. He has to get out of here. He has to get to her before they can. But the four men holding him are too strong and he stays where he is. 

“Xid, Soldar,” Snoke addresses the two standing to the side, passing them Ben’s phone. “Take this and go and collect Miss Niima and bring her to me... _alive_. I can see the only way to deal with this nuisance is to do it myself.”

“NO!” Ben screams, thrashing as much as he can to get free but he can’t. They ignore him as the two men make their way for the door. “Don’t hurt her. Please! Please, I’ll do anything!”

“Shut up!” Snoke shouts. “All these years I’ve kept you in such high regard but you’re no different than the rest. Were you so foolish to think you could evade me? _I own you. I created you!_ And I gave her to you. The way I see it I can take her away.”

Snoke would be taking everything to him. After he's given him everything. His whole life. His devotion. His father! And now he wants his wife and their promise of a future he was not willing to compromise.

"She's pregnant," Ben cries. He doesn't know why he says it. It comes out on its own as if it's his last defense. As if mercy would actually apply to this man. This sick, foul monster in a suit.

"What?" Snoke cuts him off. "You think my guards have any qualms about dealing with a pregnant woman? Think again. To them, she's just another job. Another hit. _Vermin._ "

Ben’s patience is gone. His pseudo manners are gone. Snoke is threatening everything he loves and Ben will not allow him to break it all apart now. His ears pound in what must be his own heartbeat but Ben's tears spew as it only reminds him of the heartbeat of his child he heard just that morning.

“You can’t do this!” Ben grits out while Snoke stands with his back to him at his desk. “You’re not gonna hurt her. And I won’t let you fuck up my life any–” Ben starts to growl but he’s cut off almost literally as Snoke spins around from his desk with a knife and slashes him across his face.

“Consider your employment terminated. You'll live just long enough to watch her suffer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CLIFFHANGER (kinda sorta bc we all know they end up fine lol). Maybe this was dumb but I seriously can't look at it anymore so it's close enough to where I wanted it to be.
> 
> BTW, here we are a full year after TROS and JJ has still not given me a refund for my movie ticket, wow. 2020 was always going to be cursed when we went into it with no Ben Solo and TROS being the dumpster fire that it was...boooooo


	25. Preperations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This feels sloppy as always and proved to be hard to write but I thought I'd just post it anyway so here ya go:)

Lydia was told to keep her eyes on her feet as she followed him out of the house with her backpack and Mae’s on her shoulder. Dad had Theo’s over his and some of mom’s things in his arms as he held her hand, guiding her through their house as if it was a battlefield and not their home. But at this point, it was more of a warzone than anything else. 

Lydia feels like there are a million questions in her mind that she’s dying to ask but there’s an intensity to the air that tells her now was not the time. So she remains silent as they rush out to the garage and he urges her to get back in Jyn and Cassian’s car.

He stuffs the things in the back seat but before he gets into the driver’s seat he steps away looking at his phone. She watches as he stands with his back to her as he calls someone. 

Lydia presses her ear to the glass trying to make out what he’s saying. It’s very muffled but the whole conversation sounds strange anyway. He mentions something about dinner reservations before giving their address.

“Ren,” he says into the phone. “Yes, Kylo Ren, that’s right.”

_Kylo Ren? Was that a name?_

He hangs up the phone and steps back over to the car. He puts the car in reverse and pointedly doesn’t look at her she thinks as they back out of the driveway. She waits cautiously, trying to remind herself it’s her dad. 

_It’s dad._ _He’s dad. He’s not going to hurt you...just other people apparently._

She can tell he’s trying to focus on the road but he keeps glancing at her. 

“I can’t imagine what you must think of me,” he rasps out a few minutes later. Lydia holds her breath. He’s talking so quietly and she’s wondering what he’s going to say. Because of course she loves her father, always...but she’s not quite sure what to think of him at the moment. “I understand if you’re upset or angry or...in shock.”

She remains quiet. 

“I can’t tell you everything now, but I do want you to know that I’m not proud of who I used to be or what I used to do. I pushed away everyone that ever loved me and became a really...dangerous person. I worked for a man that made me think that the only way to live was to bring suffering to others, and most of all to myself,” he says and Lydia can see the tears in his eyes. 

“I hated myself and what I did...but I was too far in. It was all I knew and by that point, I believed that I could only ever be good at destroying things or...hurting people. Most of which were dangerous or monsters themselves as it’s a vicious business but it’s no excuse to what I had become.”

Lydia looks to him confused, trying to piece everything together. “You mean it was like...an actual business? You had a boss and stuff?” Lydia breathes out.

Dad nods. “Yeah...I had a boss. He was a very controlling and powerful man that took almost everything from me,” he tells her. “The only thing I could ever owe him is that he was the one that partnered me with your mother. It’s how I met her.”

“She worked for him too?”

“Briefly, yes. With me. As my partner,” he explains.. “I’ve never known anyone like her and she was just...she changed me. Without even realizing it, I just started to feel different about my life and she made me want to be better,” dad says, his voice breaking as he’s no doubt thinking of mom. Lydia thinks of her too and her tears start up again. Actually, maybe she never stopped crying. 

But he continues on anyway. “And by the time we learned she was pregnant with you, we knew we had to get out. We weren’t going to let you be born in a world like that.”

Lydia’s eyes go wide as she starts to see it all fall into place. They worked for something Lydia can’t really imagine but it sounds gruesome and terrifying. But that would explain some things. Their infinite knowledge for combat. Their protectiveness. The languages they know. The scars they have. His tattoos?

“Are the…” Lydia starts wondering if she’s supposed to ask but the look he gives her encourages her to continue. “Is that where you got your tattoos?” She croaks out nervously. 

Dad gives a long sigh before he nods. “Yes. I got them when I was twenty-three after...well, I’ll tell you everything eventually but I had to do a lot of bad things to get these and once they’re there, I can’t forget everything it cost me.”

“And...the thing on mom’s neck?”

Dad’s lip actually trembles but he covers his mouth, trying to look casual. “It’s, uh...and don’t tell your brother or sister anything about this but it’s a brand. It was burned into her skin at the school where she was raised.”

Lydia gets goosebumps and shivers as she realizes what that entails. And all the pain her parents must have been through. 

Dad reaches for her hand, holding tight. 

“Everything I am, everything I value, I owe to her...to your mother. She is so strong and I know she’s waking up. She’s fought for everything she loves...always. She will fight her way back to us. And as for me...I’m afraid that I have to as well, just in a different way.”

“Like at the house?” Lydia asks, imagining in his case, the fighting would be literal. 

Dad doesn’t answer directly but he doesn’t have to. Lydia gets the idea by now. 

“These people, the people from this world...they don’t stop. They aren’t like regular people. They’re ruthless and they don’t have any understanding or compassion for our life or our family or anything we care about. It’s why I have to stop them before they can hurt us anymore. It’s why they came to the house and tried to kill us. It’s why, to be safe, Lando is taking the three of you to hide out at grandma’s house because I’m not going to let any of you get hurt.”

“Is that why they came to our house? They found out who you and mom were?”

Dad shakes his head. “I don’t think so...the man who did this is the son of a man I used to work with. I think his son was just out to try and get the Falcon. A mechanic that I used to know contacted me and told me he was trying to get new plates for it. When he found out whose car he stole, his dad sent that crew after us since his dad knows who he’s messing with.”

Lydia gulps and dad squeezes her hand tighter.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be telling you all this but I just...I want you to know what’s going on. At this point, it might be safer if you realize what’s at stake,” he explains as they pull into the hospital parking lot. He parks the car before turning it off and urging her to face him. 

“Look at me,” he says and Lydia does. “I know I have no right to ask this of you but please know I wouldn’t think of leaving if I didn’t think this was the only way so while I’m gone, I want you to look after your brother and sister. They look up to you so much and they’re so scared right now, just like you are, just like I am too. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced because everything that matters to me is on the line. It’s happened before...but not like this. She was always on my side and we always found a way but now it’s back to me trying to figure things out and I just...I’m so scared of messing up. She’s always there to tell me when I’m being stupid or when we need to rethink but I always promised her one thing above everything else and that was to keep our family safe. So I need some help from you to help me keep that because I trust you. Mae and Theo trust you and mom,” dad’s voice shakes. “Mom trusts and loves you so much. She’s so proud of you and please, just try and assure them that our family is going to be together again.”

Lydia finds herself nodding before she can find the words. “I’ll watch after them, I promise.”

“Thank you, sweetheart.” Dad settles a hand on her head. He chuckles when he sees she was wearing mom’s jacket. “You remind me so much of your mom.”

Lydia represses her sob for as long as she can before it floods out of her anyway and dad pulls her into a tight hug across the armrest. “I’m sorry, Lydia. I’m so, so sorry,” he cries. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, dad.”

* * *

Mitaka hesitantly approaches Hux where he's sitting in his armchair in front of the fireplace and drinking an alarming amount of whiskey, even for him. 

Which means he’s not going to take the news well. 

Hux was right. Thirteen years didn’t change anything. Ren and Niima were still the best in the business, or in their case, the best _out_ of the business. And Ren was certainly always considered the deadliest before he was partnered with his wife. 

Mitaka is unsure what Kira’s diagnosis is or if she’s even still alive but it’s no doubt that her condition, whatever it may be, must be affecting Ren in the most intensive way. 

And now that he’s killed the crew of experts Mitaka just sent over, there was surely going to be an acceleration once he arrives in the city. Kylo was going to kill them. Not just Armitage and Eldridge but at this point, probably all of them. Because that’s how he always was.

Especially if Kira was concerned. 

Mitaka pushes away his memories, for now, realizing new ones are in the process of being formed and if he wasn’t on high alert, it may cost him his life. He clear his throat, trying to get Hux’s attention but he’s about half a bottle of scotch deep and starring into the fire with disdain. 

“The mission was unsuccessful, sir. The crew is dead.”

Hux shakes his head before taking another swig of his drink. “Of–fuckin’–course they are.”

“What next, sir?” Mitaka asks nervously.

Hux sighs, still facing the hearth and not him. “He’s coming. Nothing I send will stop him...may as well lure the wolf with the hen,” he says drunkenly, reaching for the bottle to refill his drink.

Mitaka doesn’t understand him when he gets like this. “Sir?”

Hux finally spins around to look at him with a look that Mitaka has seen plenty of times before. The look that is fueled by alcohol and minimal critical thinking but he not dare question it. “I want us to put Eldridge in Kanjiklub and wait. Ren will come for him and by then we’ll be ready.”

So, he’s using his own son for bait. Wonderful. But Mitaka has no choice but to agree. “I’ll get right on arranging that, Hux.”

“And I’m gonna open a contract for the fucker’s head,” Hux slurs.

“A contract?”

“Five million...get a contract written up.”

“Very well. Of course. Do you have someone in mind?”

Hux gets an unsettling smirk on his face as that’s all the answer Mitaka needs.

If Mitaka is still alive in three days time, he’ll be surprised. 

* * *

Ben swaps out Mae’s batteries and situates them back on her ears and head. “Can you hear me, baby?”

She nods but sniffles, wiping her nose with her sleeve. She looks so tired. Ben pulls her into his arms and instantly she rests her head on his shoulder.

He’s kneeling on the ground so he’s closer to her height but Theo and Lydia stand beside him with big eyes, waiting for him to say something. They’re in Rey’s room. Her monitors beeping steadily which Ben wishes would be calming but it’s not. 

It was just the four of them in the room now. He asked for a moment to say goodbye to them while Lando and Cassian were taking the bags to Lando’s car. His gut twists as he knows what is coming...he must say goodbye and he really doesn’t want to. He wants to bundle them up and take them someplace safe. But the only way he can truly keep them safe is to confront this problem head on. That was the only way to ensure they weren’t going to get hurt. 

“Dad, Lando said we’re going to grandma’s house but that you’re not coming with us,” Theo says, sounding frightened. Ben reaches for him, keeping a hand on his shoulder.

“Daddy, I wanna stay with mommy,” Mae cries into his shoulder.

“Mae,” Ben starts but she cries again. 

“I want her to wake up.”

“I know, I know you do. I do too,” Ben croaks out, looking over to Rey on the bed. “Listen,” he says, trying to pull Mae from his shoulder a little so she can understand him better. “I know things are scary right now. I know none of it makes sense. But I want the three of you to just try and stay calm and go with Lando. I’m going to be gone just a few days and then when I’m back, I bet mom is going to be feeling a lot better and–”

“Where you going?” Mae whimpers.

“I–” Ben starts but tries to think what to say. His eyes stray to Lydia who had just seen the truth of who he is and what he’s capable of. He can’t tell the truth but he hates to lie. “I’ve got some things to fix and I wouldn’t go unless it was an emergency. But Lando is going to take good care of you at grandma’s house. I know it’s been a while but I think it’ll be safest for all of you there. And I’m gonna call you as often as I can to check in on you and–”

“What about mom?” Theo asks. “Can we come and visit her?”

Ben grits his teeth. He’s already worried enough that Rey was in such a public place in her vulnerable state. Jyn and Cassian are familiar with the stakes of this other world but Ben is wary that Rey will be safe as possible. Or his children for that matter if they come to visit her. 

“I’ll get Jyn and Cassian to keep us updated on how she’s doing but until I sort some stuff out, I don’t want any of you coming here.”

Theo shakes his head, his tears falling fast. “But–”

Ben holds up his hand, “I know. I know. Believe me, I…” Ben gets choked up as he knows how difficult this is to ask this of them, especially when he wants nothing more but to stay stationed at Rey’s bedside, holding her hand until her eyes flutter back open. “I want to stay with her too, but please, if she was awake, she would only want the three of you as safe as you can be and I know she would agree with me that this is the best thing.”

“Are the people that shot her gonna come back for us?” Theo asks, panicked suddenly. His question makes Lydia go pale and she looks back to him for an answer. Because she has already seen that, _yes,_ people are after them.

“Theodore,” Ben pulls him closer. “I’m not going to let anyone hurt you or your sisters or your mother. Those people are not going to come for you,” Ben says confidently as he knows he’s going to ensure they’re gone. “I’m going to take care of everything, okay?”

Theo nods but his breathing is uneven again.

Ben reaches for Theo’s inhaler and passes it to him, letting him gather himself. He hasn’t needed to use his inhaler this much ever. His exhaustion and anxiety is consuming him. And being told he can’t visit his mother because it’s unsafe surely isn’t doing any good. But that’s the way it has to be. 

As Ben looks back to Mae he sees Lydia is holding her close, trying to let her know she’s there. It warms his heart to see Lydia trying to comfort her as much as she can, as scared as she is. He meant what he said. She has so much of Rey in her. All three of them did.

Ben tries to huddle them all close into a big hug. His tears return but he tries to keep his voice steady. “I love all of you so much. Your mom and I love you three more than anything. And no matter what we’re always coming for you. No matter where you are or what happens or how old we get, we’ll come for you,” Ben tries to smile but it just makes his tears fall from his eyes.

He sees how Mae’s eyes seem to follow the tracks of his tears with wide eyes and sorrow-stricken on her face. He realizes that she’s never really seen him cry before and he must look like such a mess.

He tries to continue on.

“Just as I know mom is coming back to all of us, I’ll be coming back too and this will all be over, okay? I know it’s hard to believe when you’re in the middle of it all but it’s true. No matter what, we’re going to be okay.”

“Are you gonna find the people that hurt mommy?” Mae asks with a sniffle.

Ben’s heart speeds up in his chest as he analyzes her question. Instinctively, he looks to Rey only to cripple himself further. But then he looks up to Lydia who seems just as shocked at the question as he does but when they meet eyes, slowly she nods.

Ben gulps as he looks back to his youngest daughter. “I’m going to make sure we all stay safe and that nothing like this ever happens again,” he vows to her. Her big brown eyes watching him so intently. 

“And then you come home?” she asks, her voice raspy.

Ben covers his chest with his hand, trying to make the promise as well as he possibly can. “I promise,” he croaks. “As soon as I can.”

Mae’s lip trembles but she dives back in for a hug and he catches her, reaching to pull them all as close as he can. Rey should be here too but she’s on the bed behind them. He wishes so badly she would wake up now. For thirteen years she’s been with him and now, at their most desperate hour, he must delve back into their old world alone while she battles for her life.

It’s so un–fucking–fair. But it’s the way it has to be, he reminds himself as he hugs his children.

He doesn’t know how long this will take. A few days at the most he hopes...but even then, he hasn’t been separated from his children for that long since they were born. The most was when Lydia went to that three-day summer science camp and he was a wreck. Rey found him crying over baby pictures and had a good laugh at him before she joined him and started to get teary-eyed too. 

There’s a knock on the door just then and Ben turns to see Lando standing there with heavy expressions on his face. Ben sighs. He knows it’s time. 

“Okay,” he breathes out, wiping at his face and sniffling as he looks back to the kids. “Why don’t you say bye to mommy and then it’s time to go.”

They all turn to the bed. They have to be cautious not to disturb any of the machines as they lean over to hug her. Mae tries to get to her toes but she can’t reach so Ben picks her up and holds her so that she can kiss her mom on the forehead. He reaches to grab her stuffed dog from where Mae tucked him next to Rey but Mae stops him. 

“You don’t want to take him with you?” Ben asks her. 

“Rufus can stay with mommy,” she says softly. 

“You sure?”

Mae nods but hugs him tighter. Ben gives as much of a smile as he can without crying but he fails and cries anyway. “That’s nice, baby. She’ll be so happy to see it when she wakes up.”

He pulls Theo close as they all make for the door. Lando holds open his arms and Ben passes Mae over. He huffs once he does though and Lando has to set her down, opting to hold her hand instead.

It starts to hit him then as they step away from him that they’re going to go now. He brings a hand to both Theo and Lydia’s cheeks as he leans down closer to their height. “Take care of each other. I’ll call you as much as I can. Keep Mae’s hearing aids charged and batteries on hand. If you get a bad feeling at any time, call me. Theodore, keep your inhaler close at all times. Don’t worry about school, I’m going to call the schools and let them know you won’t be in this week so don’t even think about any of that. Alright?”

They both nod with big watery eyes and he presses last kisses to the tops of their heads, leaning down further to reach Mae. “I love you all so much.”

Slowly, they all drift out of the room, and Ben braces himself for it as they go. He looks to Lando as he goes, giving a nod as he knows Lando will protect him with all he has. He loves them as grandchildren he never had and he understands what is at stake. He will keep them safe. 

“Hang in there, Starfighter,” Lando says over his shoulder as they leave. Ben nods but can no longer speak. 

Ben steps out of the doorway to watch them stroll for the elevator. The dam in his chest threatening to cave in.

_Hold it together. Hold it together._

He almost does it, but when Mae turns around to look at him one last time it nearly kills him, especially when he hears her soft and gentle voice that somehow carries across the hallway when she says, “Bye, daddy,” before the elevator doors close and he gives them all one last wave. 

“Bye, baby,” he croaks out but even he can’t hear it.

As soon as they’re out of sight he crumbles into himself, shutting himself back in Rey’s room. He feels like he’s made a horrible decision and that he’s done something wrong by sending them away but it was the only thing he could do. He could not risk them getting hurt. He looks over to his wife on the bed. To the little frames and things, he set up for her on the bedside table. To the little pieces of home that he’s brought for her in hopes that it will comfort her in some way but it all seems too trivial when everything seems so fucked. 

He steps over to her, righting her hair even though nothing is wrong but it seems the only thing he can do. 

“They know we’re always coming back for them. They know we love them,” Ben whispers to her, hoping more than anything she can hear him. “I promise I–I’m gonna...I will fix this. But just promise you’ll come back to us. I told you, I can’t do this without you,” he sobs. He tucks Rufus closer to her as Mae had. He smiles softly. “Mae wants Rufus to stay with you. She wants you to rest well and come home. We all do.”

She looks so tiny on the bed. He thinks of the last few times she’s been in the hospital. For Theo and Mae. Long trials of labor only to result in some of the most beautiful moments of their life. But now it’s a place of such unease as he watches his wife go through trials that he never wanted any of them to face.

“I love you, sweetheart,” he says softly as he leans over to kiss her forehead. “We need you.”

* * *

Cassian drops him off this time. It’s a quiet ride and Ben is grateful that Cassian doesn’t try conversation. He knows how difficult it is for Ben to see his kids go. But as they pull up to the house, Ben stops him before going up the driveway when he sees the cleaners are still inside. 

“Stop here, I’ll walk up.”

“It’s fine, Ben. I’m no stranger to–”

“Cassian, please, I got it.”

Cassian sighs. “How many came?” he asks. Ben didn’t have to say much for the older doctor to connect the dots.

“Twelve...I think.” He used to be good at keeping track but he’ll have to readjust to that pretty quickly. 

“Shit,” Cassian swears. “You have enough coins still?”

Ben might have chuckled if he was still capable of a sense of humor. “Shit ton of them. I would have buried them in cement I was so convinced I’d never need them again.”

“But you didn’t.”

“But I didn’t,” Ben sighs, opening the door. “I’m gonna pack things here and drive back to the city.”

“In what?” Cassian asks.

“Our other car,” Ben nods to the garage. “The windshield’s fucked but I’ll drop it off at Hondo’s and he’ll give me something else.”

Cassian sighs. “Ben, when’s the last time you slept?”

“I’m fine.”

“Maybe I should drive you. If you insist on doing this–”

“No. I have to do this. I told you. This is Hux.”

Cassian shakes his head. “Hux...always such an asshole. Be careful, Ben. These days, he’ll spare no expense on the assholes he can buy to do his dirty work. That’s how he operates.”

“I know.”

“Going in alone seems...pretty steep. Just you against the world?”

Ben rolls his eyes. “Never tell me the odds.”

“Alright, alright. I get it. But you better call me if something happens. Make sure you get some help if you get shot. It didn’t go well when you were twenty-three so at forty-two it’s gonna be a lot worse.”

“You’re so encouraging, Cas. Thank you.”

“Hey,” Cassian call back before Ben officially turns around. “They’ll be fine, you know?” he means the kids, and Ben nearly gets choked up again thinking of them. “And as for Rey...Jyn and I know she’ll be awake sooner than you think. Every passing moment feels like a year but she’s coming back for you.”

“I know she will. She has to.”

“Just make sure you’re still around to come back to. She’s gonna kick your ass when she knows you’re going headfirst back into the shit.”

“She’ll understand,” Ben tries to tell himself.

“ _She’ll understand_ ,” Cassian agrees. “But she’s still going to kick your ass regardless.”

“Thanks, Cassian. Believe me, I know.”

“Hang in there, Solo.”

Cassian drives away with a wave. They were always giving each other a hard time but Ben truly appreciated his friendship and everything he had done for his family. Both Cassian and Jyn. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to make it up to them for everything they’ve done over the years.

Ben turns back to his house, wandering up his driveway, trying to ignore the big broad-shouldered men that are loaded plastic-wrapped corpses into the back of the van. 

“Ren!” a voice booms and Ben looks to see Quarsh Panaka striding towards him in his own home with a big grin. “Kylo Ren.”

“Fuck,” Ben mutters under his breath. He really wasn’t ready to hear the old name. “Hey, Panaka.”

“Good to see you. Been a minute.”

“Yeah...thanks for coming.”

“Thought you left this all behind. Glad to see you’ve still got it,” he claps him on the shoulder. 

Ben can’t believe it’s meant to be a compliment when they are standing in the shattered remains of his home. 

“Rate still the same for a party of twelve?” Ben asks him. 

“These days, yeah, but for you, I’d do it for free.”

Ben shakes his head. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll go get some coins while you finish up.”

“Oh Ren, take your time. We’ve still got a lot to do.”

Ben nods, stepping over to the stairs and making his way up, trying not to trip over glass that had yet to get picked up. As he moves into the bedroom, he moves back for the closet, and further into the safe room. He’s got a trove of coins stowed away from years of service waiting in a small trunk. He doesn’t really know what things will be like after so long but he doubts he’ll be needing all of them. He gathers the fee for Panaka as well as enough for his trip to New York before moving back through the closet. 

It was time to suit up.

* * *

Lydia stares blankly out the windows. Mae was asleep against her shoulder as they drove in Lando’s car. She thinks it will take a while to get to Grandma Leia’s house, especially since it seemed to be drizzling. 

But her mind is focused more on what they left behind. Dad. And what happened at the house.

Instinctively she tucks mom's jacket tighter around her, feeling uneasy the more she thinks about it. But then there’s a crinkle in the pocket and Lydia reaches in to find some photographs inside. It’s dark in the car but as they pass under the streetlights on the freeway she makes out the images for what they are. 

Theo sitting next to her does too. 

“Is that mom?” He croaks out, leaning closer to look at them. 

“Yeah…” Lydia says. “Dad said this was her jacket. He said I could wear it. But she must have left these pictures in here.”

Lydia admires one of her mother wearing the exact same jacket. She looked young and she had such a content look on her face as she seemed to be exploring some kind of market. She was glowing and looked like she didn’t even know she was being photographed. She was beautiful. 

“She looks so young,” Lydia says. 

Theo takes it, studying it closely, and as dark as it is, Lydia can tell it makes him tear up. She looks to the next one to see it’s dad. He looks young too and doesn’t have his goatee and mustache. He seemed to be in the same place as mom was from her picture but he had a tiny cup of coffee and a happy look on his face. One that meant that mom had taken the picture.

“Whoa,” Theo sniffles, reaching for it. “He doesn’t have his scar. Must have been before the accident.”

Lydia doesn’t answer as suddenly all she can think is that his scar must have come from his old job too. But then they go over a bump Mae wakes up with a squeak.

“Sorry, Maeby. This is an older road,” Lando calls from the front seat. 

Mae just rubs at her eyes and sniffles. Lydia holds out her hand for her to take. She knows she really didn’t want to leave mom and dad. And she’s never had to be separated from them overnight Lydia thinks. She must be so scared. 

They all are. But she’ll keep her promise to her father. She was going to look after Theo and Mae. Because although there is much she doesn’t understand about what she saw, she knows enough to know that things were beyond critical. So much so that Lydia isn’t even thinking about her math quiz on Monday.

Instead, she looks back down at the pictures of her parents. Young and happy. 

Dad said that he and mom had to fight so hard to get out of that world but even then, they still managed to do it. Lydia just hopes that they can all do it again. That they’ll be safe. Dad will be okay and that mom will wake up. It’s all that matters now.

* * *

Ben looks in the mirror, uneasy at the sight of himself clad once again in one of his suits. He fixes the cufflinks at his wrists, trying to not let his heart get too heavy as he admires them once more. He never has the chance to wear them that much anymore. The little silver daisy cufflinks that Rey got him all those years ago. Just months before Lydia was born. 

He sighs moving back over to the bed where he packed his things. Including the weapons, he has stowed away in his bag. He tried to stay more than prepared. Again, he gets sick thinking about all that has happened...or was going to happen. It makes him realize how long it’s really been. When he thinks about the last thirteen years, he thinks of his children and how they seem to grow too fast. But when he thinks about it in terms of how he used to work, it seemed like a lifetime ago. And it was.

“Mr. Ren? We’re all done!” Panaka calls from downstairs.

Ben sighs, counting twelve coins before making his way downstairs. 

“Hey, you still clean up nice, Ren.” Ben doesn’t respond with anything else than a small nod. 

Ben reaches into his pocket. “Thanks for everything,” he says, passing him the golden coins just to expedite all this. He doesn't want any gossip. But at this rate, it’s probably spreading like crazy. He hopes his reputation still precedes him as much as Panaka and Hondo act as it does. “But you’ll speak of this to no one, yes?” he says with a pressing glare, and Panaka gulps. 

“Of course, sir,” Panaka says, this time a little quieter and quite modestly. “You really do have a beautiful home.”

“It was.”

“I uh...apologize if I seemed to be making light of the situation, Mr. Ren. I hope your family is alright,” he says but it sounds more like a question. An inquiry. “We were cleaning up some of the glass, you know, from frames and whatnot. Unsalvageable, I’m afraid but the pictures are still alright and...well, here. I assume you would want to keep hold of these,” Panaka says, passing over some photos, some of them frayed at the edges. 

“Thank you,” Ben croaks, looking at them briefly before tucking them quickly into his jacket pocket. He would prefer not to cry right now.

“Is…” Panaka starts cautiously. “I hope I’m not overstepping anything but, I saw her in the pictures and I just hope Kira is alright,” he says next. 

_Don’t fucking cry._

“She will be...thank you, Panaka.”

“Alright, well, you know how to find me. We’ll be on our way...Be seein’ you, Ren.”

Another phrase Ben hasn’t heard nor said in so long.

“Be seein’ you.”

And with that, he gathers his things and he and his crew load back into their van, leaving Ben alone in his house for the first time in...well he can’t remember. He’s never felt alone in this house. Not even when the kids were at school or when Rey was out running errands or something because they were always coming back. But now all the stakes are on him if they all come home or not.

He has to get going. He has to keep moving. If he stays still too long and thinks, he’ll start talking himself out of it and it’s too late to go back now.

So he loads up the car, ignoring the hole in the windshield from the bat and putting it in reverse as he backs out of the driveway.

He has to keep moving. That’s what Kylo always did. And although he hasn’t been that person in years, he has to be him now to protect his family. The irony of it all mocks him as he sees now the monster he once had destroyed to keep his family safe is now his last defense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all doing alright and that 2021 is off to a good (or at least casual enough) start. A lot's been going on lately but as always I come back to these babes because this is how I de-stress lol. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading. I really love this community of people. Star Wars used to make me so happy and now it just seems to frustrate me so I turn my blinders on and just write extensive fanfiction before I fall asleep cuz that's what keeps me going. I should probably break the habit eventually but for now it's what works for me and I love to update chapters and share it. 
> 
> I know that was sappy and semi-existential but thanks so much for reading<3!!


	26. Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk, here ya go

Rey is situating things in the suitcase, folding everything more precisely than she needs to because she’s too excited and she wants everything to be perfect. She knows they won't be leaving today but it seems practical to at least keep everything in one place. Because after today, Rey isn't sure how fast everything will progress and they might need to be ready in an instant. She keeps eyeballing the little doppler machine that Jyn left her as a gift sitting on the counter though. She’s tempted to listen to the baby’s heartbeat again but then she’ll get nothing done so she packs it away in her bag.

She smiles to herself as she thinks back to when she heard it before. When Ben was holding her hand. He looked so happy. She loves to see him smile. It took a while to see it at first, back when they were first partners. But once he let himself smile around her they were few and far between. But as time went on and as they got closer, he smiles more and more and it’s really quite beautiful. And when he’s not so busying worrying, his smiles were so clear and Rey can’t wait until they could be free of all this. They could find a home. A real home. 

Rey’s mind drifts off as she starts to daydream of such a place. She doesn’t care how big it is or where it was or anything really. Just something that was theirs. Something safe. Although she would love the baby to have a room of their own. Rey always wanted her own room growing up. Usually, the most privacy she got was just in the bathroom or pulling the covers over her head. But her child wouldn’t have to worry about that.

She wants to make it as comfortable as possible. They’ll know they have a home and a family that loves them. 

Inspired, Rey went to the computer, looking up various cribs and diaper tables. She might be overwhelmed as she starts to realize how many things such a tiny human is going to need but she honestly can’t wait.

As she’s scrolling through endless pages of little toys, her phone vibrates and she reaches for it, smiling when she sees it’s from Ben. 

_Meet me in the park._

Rey frowns, wondering why he would ask that. After making such a fuss about how he didn’t want her going out unless it was necessary. Not to mention the last time they were in the park she got shot in the leg. Why would he want her to meet him there?

 _Is something wrong?_ She types back. 

Five minutes go by with no response so she calls him instead. But he doesn’t pick up and it makes her start to get nervous. Was he alright? Had something gone wrong? He wouldn’t have asked her to meet him somewhere unless it was serious. But if it _was_ serious, he wouldn’t have asked her to come if he thought it was dangerous. 

_Are you there now?_ She types.

She paces nervously for forty seconds until she gets an answer. _Had some trouble with the contract. Hurry!_

Rey’s stomach turns and she nearly runs for the bathroom but instead, she grabs a gun and barrels for the door. She’s not sure what’s going on but clearly, something’s off. 

After an excruciatingly long elevator trip down she finally gets to the lobby and rushes outside, trying to think of the fastest way to the park. She feels very uneasy about this, not sure what’s happening or why Ben would tell her to come if he also thought it was dangerous. He wouldn’t want to put her at unnecessary risk or…

Rey’s strides start to slow as she starts to piece things together, realizing that none of this was like him. He wouldn’t send her out here. He wouldn’t ask her to rush to the park-like this. He begs her every time he leaves the apartment to stay in the building since it was safest. Secure.

She looks again to the messages, skeptically as she finds that, out of context, it doesn’t really seem like Ben to do this, especially after he told her that the contract wouldn’t be much trouble. He didn’t even answer his phone when she called him. There could be a million excuses why he didn’t but still, it feels wrong and Rey dials him again, knowing all her doubts would cease if she could just hear his voice. 

Behind her though she hears a blaring ringtone. It was generic enough. That could have been anyone’s phone. It could be a coincidence...but it was undoubtedly Ben’s. But two large men in black suits are staring at her, at a close distance, she notices. 

One of them smirks at her as he pulls a phone out of his pocket, showing her the screen that says, _Incoming call from Rey,_ with a picture of her on the screen Ben had set. Rey’s heart jumps to her throat as she realizes her suspicions were correct. Slowly they approach her but she flees down an alley and the chase begins. 

She doesn’t know what’s happened to Ben but her worst fears get the best of her as she can think to only run as fast as she can. 

* * *

Ben’s arms are still held behind him by at least four men but he can’t see very well on account of all the blood in his eye. The tears weren’t helping anything either. 

Every time one of his sobs gets released someone knees him in the ribs. 

He tries to convince himself that Rey will be fine. That she won’t be taken by those men. That she’ll stay safe, getaway, and raise their child and make sure they won’t get hurt. He wants it so bad. Even if it means he won’t get to be there, he would die for that reality to be true if they could just be okay. If they could get to live. 

“It’s disgusting, really…” Snoke starts up again. “Reduced to a sniveling mess over some bitch you’ve known for a handful of measly months. You must have been so desperate.”

Ben’s lips curl over his teeth trying to fight back either a sob or a growl. 

“It’s one thing to sleep with her. I half expected you to. Be it for information or for your own curiosities as I suspected that to be the only category of your profession you were beyond amateur in,” Snoke scoffs, and the men holding him back snicker. 

“And you did...that’s fine. But you got too attached. Did you actually think you could run away and start a life with her? Did you think you were proper husband and father material?” Snoke mocks. “Did you think you could change so easily?”

“I know what I am," Ben bites out. "It’s always haunted me. But I gave you everything. Everything! And it was never enough. You were going to make me kill her!”

“She was a potential threat to our–”

“She was just another child," Ben interrupts, "another orphan that was swept up into this world and they tried to turn her into a monster...but she’s not like us. No matter what, she won’t be like anyone else because she’s so beautifully good and everything I know I don’t deserve...but she loves me anyway,” Ben says, literal sweat blood, and tears dripping down his face, combining in a sickening taste in his mouth.

Snoke laughs. “So she’s more desperate than you are then? Now it’s starting to make sense. She wasn’t even out of Dathomir for five minutes before she fell for you. She didn’t seem to realize she could have had other options. How naive.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Ben bites out but his hair gets tugged. He ignores it, finding the physical pain is incomparable to the emotional.

But it all seems to converge into one tsunami of fear when he hears the door open behind him and he struggles to try and turn around and see if it’s her. 

_Please no. Please, anything but her._

But then she stumbles into sight, pushed to her knees before Snoke’s desk by Xid...and Xid alone. No Soldar.

Ben’s sobs surge once more and release into the room as soon as the black hood is taken off of her head and thrown to the ground and her face is revealed, tape secured over her mouth.

_No!_

“Re-mmph!” He screams but he’s cut off by a hand that covers his mouth. He fights viciously, trying to get the men off of him but he can’t get free. He will keep fighting though. He has to. He has to give it everything he has. 

He will not let Rey and his child pay the price for his misdeeds. He can’t.

* * *

Rey takes in the room as it becomes clear to her once the hood is removed. It’s a large, dark yet ornate sort of room. 

Snoke’s office. She knows well enough from what Ben has told her.

And Ben, she sees, he’s being restrained on the other side of the room by a huddle of men, similar to the two who came for her. He’s bleeding. She thinks he’s been cut on the face but there’s so much blood she can’t quite tell.

She moves to run to him from her knees but the man who dragged her in pushes her back down. Rey grunts in pain as the hardwood meets her once more, but this time, there’s a shiny pair of shoes before her and slowly her neck crames up to see a man. An old man with a crinkled, twisted scowl, and chilling eyes. 

_Snoke,_ she already knows.

“Oh, well what do we have here?” he chuckles, snapping his fingers to have her brought to her feet. “Miss Niima, we meet at last. I apologize that we could not meet under better circumstances but it seems you’re not an appropriate fit for my business after all. Especially after seeing what you’ve reduced my finest employee to,” he says, looking over her shoulder to glare at Ben who she could hear was still trying to get free.

Snoke raises his hand then, slowly bringing it to her face and she tries to pull back but with her hands taped behind her, the tape on her mouth, and the bastard pushing her forward. She feels his hand caress her face and she feels like she could be sick. 

“Mr. Xid?” Snoke asks, his voice eerily light as he speaks to the man behind her. The man who dragged her in. “Where is Mr. Soldar? Did he not accompany you to bring Miss Niima in?”

“She killed him, sir,” he says, shoving her forward a bit. 

“Ahh, I see. Such spunk for such a little thing, aren’t you? But I’m afraid that’s not how we make friends...at least not in my book. I can see Kylo has a very warped perception on how to connect with people,” he says, his voice growing deeper as his nails sink into her cheek before he rips the tape from her mouth. “Mr. Xid, why don’t you free her wrists. She’s our guest, she should be comfortable." 

Rey feels a blade slice past the tape, frighteningly close to her skin and Rey examines her hands herself, rubbing them cautiously looking for cuts but there’s no blood. Still, it does little to ease her nerves as she tries to turn to look at Ben...but Snoke pulls her back.

“You filth,” he breathes as his hand slips around her throat, holding firmly as he pulls her towards his desk. “I suspected you would be trouble after I’ve seen the negligence coming from him,” he says, nodding to Ben. Ben who was attempting to scream through everyone trying to silence him. “But never would I have foreseen this,” Snoke continues, ignoring Ben as he grabs hold of something from his desk. Something Rey can’t quite make out until he throws it back down and Rey can see the sweet little sun embroidered on the fabric and she connects the dots. It’s a onesie. Ben must have gotten it and they found it on him. 

Tears surge in her eyes, heartbroken by the world collapsing around them but still oddly affected by the yellow fabric. She reaches for it but Snoke snatches her wrist.

“No...you don’t seem to realize how serious this is. You don’t seem to grasp that because of you...because of _this_...” he screams, his hand moving towards her abdomen and she fights to get away from him but Xid behind her grabs hold of her too, “Your employment has been terminated...and in this business, you know what that means.”

Behind her, she can hear Ben going ballistic as he tries to get free. She tries to look at him but her hair is being tugged to look back at the desk. “I hope you like it," he holds up the onesie before tossing it back on the desk, "seeing as this cost you your life,” Snoke bellows into her ear.

Rey looks to the hardwood desk, to the yellow onesie, to Ben’s ring...and then to the bloody knife sitting just beyond it all. It must be Ben’s blood, she realizes. Snoke turns his attention to Ben as he screams and the other men start to shout at him, telling him to stop, telling him it was pointless. Snoke joins in as does Xid as she feels the grip on her hair let up slightly.

All the attention was on Ben... _which meant…_

Quickly, Rey reaches for the knife moving as fast as she can, knowing her window would be short but she had to try. She had to. It was their lives at stake and she had to give it what she could. She wasn’t going down without a fight.

So as hard as she can, she grips the knife tight and drives it deep into Snoke’s stomach.

His hand braces her shoulder as he sucks in a frantic breath. His weight leans on her and he’s so silent that no one else seems to realize what’s happened. “You okay, boss?” Xid asks behind her and Rey takes one deep breath before she shoulders aside, letting Snoke collapse to the ground. It’s like slow motion as they all turn to watch in confusion and then in horror as they see him fall onto the knife as he hits the floor. 

But by then Rey had stolen Xid’s gun from his belt. She fires twice, watching as he joins Snoke, sending the other four into disarray as they fight to jump to action but also hold Ben down.

* * *

Ben is blinded by the commotion as he struggles to move as much as he can, keeping them all on him as Rey runs for cover behind Snoke’s desk. 

They confiscated his gun with everything else so his only defense is his arms and legs that were still half restrained by those that hadn’t reached for their weapons but as soon as Rey is ducked behind the desk they turn to him. He barrels one of them over his shoulder to shield him from the shots, grabbing the gun at the man’s hip before firing upon all the shapes around him, still blurry and muddled because of the blood in his eye. 

He flinched when he hears the other shots fire but when he’s still standing and he hears more thuds he knows it was Rey who was firing. 

And when it’s all quiet and it seems to be over, he wipes at his face with his sleeve and turns to the desk, over all the bodies that lay between him and his wife staring back at him with her gun still raised, waiting for one of the bodies to rise. 

She did it. 

Holy shit...she saved them. They’re alive. 

“Rey,” he croaks out. 

His voice seems to break her paranoia as she finally takes a breath and looks at him before realizing it’s really over and she lets out a sob. The gun clatters to the ground as she rushes for him and he meets her halfway catching her in his arms. 

He sobs into her hair. He thought it was over. He thought he lost her but they’re okay. His hands are shaking.

When she pulls away, he leans forward to kiss her but her hands go to his cheeks. “Are you okay?” She cries, her eyes surveying the damage to his face he still isn’t quite sure the severity of yet. 

“Rey, I thought–” he croaks, his mind still trapped in the hellish mindset of thinking he and Rey were about to be killed. “Are you okay?” he cries, realizing he hadn’t asked. “Is the baby…?”

“I’m...I’m fine. Maybe some bruises but that’s it. But Ben we...we have to get you to a doctor. Your face–”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he blurts out. “I wasn’t thinking. I just…” he looks to the yellow sunshine onesie. “I saw it and then they found it on me and...fuck, I shouldn’t have–”

“It’s okay. It’s okay now it’s over. But we have to go. _We have to go._ ”

He nods and she grips his hand, heading for the door but he skids to a stop, rushing to grab his ring from the desk and stuffing the onesie back in his pocket. Rey grabs his gun, checking the bullets before nodding and they speed for the exit stepping over the dead bodies.

Ben takes one final look at Snoke who lays slain on the hardwood floors in a puddle of his own blood, stabbed with his own knife. By his wife. Ben squeezes her hand tighter, beyond flabbergasted and forever in awe of her. 

When they barge through the double doors, they find Mitaka hunched behind his desk trembling in fear as he no doubt heard the commotion from the other side. But he seems surprised to see them emerge from the doors. 

“Ren?” He squeaks. 

Ben growls, striding to seize the man and pulling him up by the collar. “Did you call for back up?!”

“N-No, sir. I thought...I thought you were dead. Both of you.”

Ben’s fears ease slightly but he doesn’t let him go. “We might as well be. You called me. You knew what he was planning! I should kill you for that!” He could have died. Rey could have died. The baby...

“N-No! Honest, sir, I...I was just doing what he told me. I didn’t think he was going to–" Mitaka's eyes wander to Rey. "I didn’t know she was–”

“We could have been killed! They were going to–”

A gentle hand on his shoulder stops him mid-sentence. “Ben,” she whispers. “He didn’t know,” she tells him, urging him to let him go. “It’s alright.”

She’s right. He’s harmless. Not important. He shouldn’t take out all his rage on him. Mitaka who was probably not much older than Rey and scared for his life. Still, Ben's scowl doesn’t go anywhere as he tries to think ahead. 

“You got a car?”

Mitaka blubbers as he nods frantically, trying to reach for his pocket but the keys fall to the ground and Rey picks them up.

“T-Take it. It’s yours. I–I won’t say anything. I swear, please, don’t kill me!”

Ben releases him and the man slumps to the floor gasping for air even though Ben wasn’t keeping him from breathing. “Thank you,” Rey says because she’s too nice and probably trying to keep the guy from going into shock. But Ben just grabs her hand and they make a run for it. 

He supposes Mitaka living makes little difference in the grand scheme of things. At least he hadn’t called for back up and he and Rey could flee the building unnoticed. They could get a running start.

Still, his hands won’t stop shaking and he feels like he can’t breathe but Rey keeps hold of him.

They still had a chance.

* * *

Rey stole a bunch of paper towels from the men’s restroom in the First Order garage before they piled into Mitaka's car and peeled out of there. She drove, insisting that Ben needed to sit back and tend to his face as well as he can as she tries to think how they could get ahold of Jyn or Cassian. 

They could go to the castle...but it will only be so long before Snoke’s death is discovered and she doesn’t know what happens then or if people would chase after them. The castle seemed too obvious. She didn’t want to get ambushed the second they left. 

But neither she nor Ben have their phones. She dropped hers in her fight with Xid and Soldar and she doesn’t know what they did with Ben’s. 

So she drives, trying to think of where it was safe to even attempt to call them. Her panic keeps her going as Ben seems to still be bleeding and although she doesn’t want to tell him...it’s bad. He would need stitches all down his face. 

But he was alive and that’s really all that mattered. 

She looks to him again as he sits with his head tilted back with a cluster of towels bunched up on his face, covering most of it. 

He hisses in pain every time he applies more pressure to keep it from bleeding and she reaches over, keeping her hand in his leg. 

She drives, finding that to be really the only thing she could do. Drive and get further away from the heart of the city that seemed to be the lifeblood of everything that terrified her and threatened them. 

However, after she doesn’t even know how long, in the fringes of the city, she sees a payphone outside a motel and pulls over, stealing spare change of Mitaka’s from the cup holder and telling Ben she’d be back in a minute. She closes the door as he begins to protest but she ignores him knowing he’d talk her out of it and he needs help. 

She whispers Jyn’s number to herself, repeating it like a mantra until she dials, hoping that was right and that she would hear the doctor’s voice come through after the ringing. She watches the car through the glass, keeping an eye on Ben who was watching her with big frightened eyes. She holds up a hand if only to try and put him at ease but then Jyn’s voice comes through and Rey gasps in relief.

“Hello?”

“Jyn, it’s Rey!”

“Rey? What’s wrong?”

Rey doesn’t even know how to answer the question and she shakes her head for a moment, trying to think clearly. “Jyn, we...we just left the First Order and,” she refrains from mentioning Snoke over the phone, too paranoid. Just the essentials. “Ben is bleeding and he needs stitches. Are you or Cassian free to meet us somewhere?”

“Wh–You’re...Rey, what happened?” Jyn asks. 

“We’ll explain when we see you but please, do you think you can meet us? I’m outside some motel right now. We can’t go to our apartment or to Maz’s. It’s too dangerous.”

“We’re coming. Tell us where you are.”

“Uh, the…” Rey spins around to read the sign over the office of the motel. “Rosewood Inn.”

“Okay. Get a room, try to keep firm pressure on the wound. We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

“Thank you,” Rey cries. “Thank you so much.”

“It’s okay. Hang in there, we’ll be there soon.”

Rey hangs up the phone and heads back to the car. She sits in the driver’s seat, looking at the mirror in the visor to see if she looks normal enough to go in and get a room and not covered in blood. She had cleaned her face and hands of Ben’s blood and possibly some of Snoke’s too but she still feels dirty. Still, she looks presentable enough.

Ben is asking her a million questions and she reaches for his hand. “It’s okay. Jyn and Cassian are going to meet us here and they’ll fix you up. I need to go get a room though. Do you have your wallet?” she asks, suddenly realizing it might be a problem if he doesn’t but he nods and straightens his leg as much as he can so she can get it out of his pocket. “Thank you. I’ll be right back,” she says, leaning over to kiss the side of his head beside his ear where she knew she wouldn’t get blood on her face. 

* * *

Ben sat on the toilet of a small and questionably clean motel bathroom while his wife stood over him, trying to keep pressure on the wound of his face which they discovered even went down to his collar bone once they got his tie and shirt off.

He was holding a bag of ice Rey got from around the corner from their room to his ribs over where one of the guards had repeatedly struck his knee. He's pretty sure they aren't broken but it still hurts like hell.

Rey tries to clean the wound on his face as well as she can so they can get a better idea of what’s going on. He can tell from her face that it doesn’t look good.

“It’s bad?” he asks because she’s blocking the mirror. Probably on purpose. 

“It’s...it’ll be better once they stitch you up. It just looks painful, Ben.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, stop it. This isn’t your fault,” she scolds him.

“It is. I wasn’t paying enough attention and...Hux closed the contract and they called me in and he just assumed it was your fault,” his throat goes tight as he thinks back to those moments in that room when it all started to fall apart. “And then they searched my pocket and they found the onesie and they put it all together and I just–” he starts to sob, thinking that because of him he nearly lost everything. "I thought I was losing you."

Rey holds him close, running her hands through his hair. He takes some deep breaths, trying to convince himself he was safe with her. That they were safe. But even after everything, after all Rey did to save and protect them, she’s still the one holding him together. 

“Ben, it’s alright. He’s gone. It’s all over. We're okay.”

He wants to say so much. There’s so much getting trapped inside that he’s unable to get out, as if he’s still wary to believe that it’s all real but it is. But one thought pulls through. “You killed him…”

Rey opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes. “It all happened so fast...I saw the knife and–”

Ben quickly gets to his feet, likely surprising Rey as she doesn’t finish her sentence but Ben pulls her into a crushing hug, probably getting more blood on her but he doesn’t care. His sobs come full force as her arms wrap around him and he knows, in the safety of the cramped motel bathroom that they’re alive and for once, Snoke lost. Snoke couldn’t hurt them anymore.

“Thank you,” he cries, kissing everywhere he could. “Thank you so much.”

It should have been him that killed Snoke. That predicted his plans and acted accordingly to keep Rey from ever being in danger from the old bastard. But he messed up and Rey had to pay for it. But she saved them...in fact, almost singlehandedly she took down all of them herself as he was just fighting to get free of the guards’ grip.

But her touch is so encompassing and gentle and he feels, for the first time in so so long, truly safe as he knows that the man that had caused so much pain and anguish unto countless people was dead. Snoke wasn’t going to hurt him or Rey and their child was never going to be in danger from that monster. 

“He’s gone, Ben,” Rey breathes out, rubbing her hands on his back. “It’s over...at least I hope,” she gives a humorless chuckle. “We can get out for good.”

 _Out._..He spent so long thinking of ways to do it, now that it’s almost here, he’s not sure where they’ll go. What does he do now? Where will they go? He wants them to find someplace safe. Preferably not in the city. “Rey–”

He’s cut off by the sudden knock at the door and Rey flinches before turning. “Hold that thought,” she says but calls back to him before she leaves the bathroom. “Keep pressure on it!” she says, pointing frantically to his face and collarbone.

He turns to the mirror with the towels in his hand, wincing when he sees clearly, for the first time, the cut that runs down his face. “Fuck.”

Rey comes through with Cassian on her side. “I told you not to look at it!”

“Jesus, Ben, what the fuck happened?” Cassian cries out as he reaches for him. Ben opens his mouth to answer but Cassian speaks out again. “No, don’t answer that. Just sit down. Let me get my stuff.” Ben is pushed back to the toilet seat that makes him feel like a giant while he sees Rey pushed to the foot of the bed while Jyn checks her over.

When Cassian speaks again, his voice is quiet as he asks once more, “What the fuck happened?”

“Snoke slashed me."

"I can see that. I meant–"

"He found out about Rey and me...and the baby.”

“What?” Cassian shrieks as he makes him lean back so he can survey the wound. “And he let you go with just this?”

“Snoke’s dead.”

Cassian goes still as he watches him cautiously. “He’s dead?” he whispers. Ben nods. “How?” Ben looks out to Rey who was looking up at Jyn as she was hopefully surveying the blooming bruise too close to her temple. But Cassian follows his eyes. “She did it?”

“He was going to kill her,” Ben says, his voice tight again. “He almost did. _And his guards_ but...but she did it and I’m still–”

“In shock. I can tell, your pupils are huge and all the lights are on. And your lips are kinda blue but that’s...that’s normal. I’ll get you a blanket when I’m done.”

* * *

Rey helps Ben get situated on the bed, stuffing pillows behind him. He had thirty-four stitches trailing from his forehead to his collar bone and she keeps thinking he’s so lucky that his eye remains untamed. 

He has to keep his upper body pretty stiff and Cassian keeps telling him to be cautious or he’ll tear them. He looks up at her as she comes to sit beside him while Cassian and Jyn were cleaning up the bathroom.

“I look like Frankenstein...and this bed is itchy,” he croaks.

“But you’re alive...and the scar it leaves will make you look all the more daring," Rey tells him as she tries to comb through his hair that had dried blood in it and she works through it gently.

He smirks. “Don’t make me smile, I’ll tear my stitches.”

Rey smiles at him, kissing him softly before looking down at the little yellow onesie she’s been admiring, held tenderly in her hand. “You know, I have to say...I think this might have been worth it.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “Rey, you don’t have to humor me. I know I shouldn’t have gotten it. I just...once I saw it, I needed it.”

Rey smiles, laying it on his chest where it looks comically small. “It suits you,” she teases before there’s another knock at the door. Ben tenses, looking to it with wild eyes. 

“Who is that?” he growls, already trying to reach for the gun.

Rey tries to urge him back against the pillows. “I called Finn. He went by the apartment and got our things I packed earlier.”

Ben takes a deep breath and relaxes against the pillows. Rey heads back for the door and opens it to see Finn and Poe standing with their suitcases and confused smiles. “Avon calling!” Poe jokes as she steps aside to let them in. As soon as she does, they see Ben on the bed and the two familiar doctors in the bathroom, which of course draws them in to examine the multitude of stitches on his face.

“Jesus, Ben. What the hell happened?” Poe screams.

“Could you be any louder?” Ben groans. 

“Sorry, it’s just...ouch, big guy that looks bad.”

“Thanks,” Ben rolls his eyes.

“But seriously though,” Finn says, setting Rey’s suitcase on the bed and looking at her with a confused expression. “What is going on? The hotel is filled with middle school gossip. All First Order related. Did something happen to Snoke?”

Rey opens her mouth to answer but nothing comes as if everything from that day suddenly crashes into her and she realizes fully what she’s done. Thankfully, Ben answers for her.

“He’s dead.”

Finn and Poe’s mouths hang open. 

“He’s...How...What happened? You two killed him?” Poe asks, gesturing between Rey and Ben. 

“I killed him,” Rey says finally finding her voice. 

However, the room just goes dead silent after that, save for Jyn and Cassian finishing getting all their stuff together. And although they seem to sense the sudden tension in the room, they seem to really pick their moment to say goodbye as they forge past the two new guests. 

“Right, well, we have to get going. Duty calls, I'm afraid,” Jyn says with a smirk, striding towards Rey. “Stay safe and stay in touch. Let us know where you’ll be and we’ll meet you wherever for appointments,” Jyn says with a wink. “Remember to drink lots of water and try to eat some fruit. It’ll help.”

“Thank you,” Rey tells her as the doctor, hugging her tightly before letting her go, forever grateful for her help and security when it comes to her pregnancy. Cassian is close behind her as he’s telling Ben to stay fairly stationary and how long his stitches will have to be in. Finn and Poe are trying to piece together what they can but they still look confused. Rey hugs Cassian too before he follows Jyn back out to their car.

“Be careful, little mama,” he tells her quietly. "And keep an eye on that boy for me. He only seems to listen to you."

“I will," Rey chuckles, realizing he might be right. "Thank you.”

Once she closes the door behind him, Finn looks to her with the most parental look he could muster with his hands on his hips. “What the hell is going on, Rey? You call me and say you can’t explain why but I need to go over and pick up these suitcases which seem to have all your belongings in them. Everyone is going ballistic and ecstatic outside, acting like Voldemort died and then we find you here, in this shitty motel,” He holds out his arms around them, “to find Ben nearly sliced in half and that you’ve murdered the most dangerous man probably in the world that was previously your boss because...why?”

Rey’s honestly too tired to drag it out any longer than she has to so she just smiles as well as she can and looks to her friend, realizing she should have told him earlier. “I’m pregnant.”

Finn’s eyes bulge out of his skull and Poe’s mouth drops even wider.

“Wait...seriously?” he says before spinning around to look at Ben on the bed who was already smiling and now holding up the onesie once again. 

“Oh my God!” Finn says, covering his mouth before striding forward to pull Rey into his arms. “Rey, that’s amazing!”

“Thank you.”

Poe looks around, trying to piece the rest of it together. “Wait, so Snoke–”

“He found out about us and then found my ring and the onesie. Put it all together. He was going to have us killed but...Rey saved us,” Ben croaks. 

“Ring?” Finn repeats as if that’s all he heard. “Did you get married and not tell me?” This time his half scolding tone is back as he looks at Rey as she nods.

“Okay, you know what, this sounds like a long ass story and I’m starving. Let’s decide on food before we go any further because I’m not leaving until I convince you to name the baby after me,” Poe announces and even though it makes Ben scoff, she can see the slight twitch of his lips.

As much as he says Poe annoys him, Rey knows he appreciates having them as friends. 

* * *

Ben ate his noodles on the bed after Rey reminded him that Cassian said to stay stationary and she took that very seriously. Finn pulled her away to the small table as he made her tell him everything and while Poe was listening, he drifted back over to Ben. 

He’s got a knowing look on his face as he sits on the chair beside him. 

“Yeah?” Ben asks with a smirk, sensing the wise words he’s trying to conjure up.

“Nothing...I just wanted to say, this seems big. Especially for someone like you.”

“‘Someone like me?’” Ben repeats, still smirking, pretending to not know what he means. 

“You know what I mean,” Poe rolls his eyes, taking another bite from his food. “Not too long ago you were the top hitman in the world. You’d worked alone your entire career. You were Snoke’s delivery boy. And I’m gonna go ahead and say you had been in a relationship in your life.”

Ben chuckles, realizing how ridiculous it all sounds when he puts it like that.

“And now…” Poe starts with a big grin. “You’ve got a wife, a kid on the way, and no job, no Snoke or anything. That just seems like a big leap to take in a matter of months.”

“I know it is. But for the first time ever, I feel the most like myself I could ever be. Or at least a version of myself that I might not hate anymore.”

“You really love her, don’t you?” Poe asks softly as they both look to where Rey was showing Finn some pictures from the day they got married and swooning over them.

“She’s…” Ben starts, unsure of how to finish. “She woke me up. I’d do anything for her. For the family we want to have...I’d die for her. I was ready to. But before all else, she killed for me instead and because of her, now we’re...we’re free,” Ben croaks, setting his food aside. He didn’t have much of an appetite anyway. “I love her with all I have and as much as I hate Snoke, it scares me to think where I’d be had I not been partnered with her.”

Poe gives him a genuine smile. “I’m happy for you. For both of you. Takes a lot to want to break out of this life. Even more to succeed in doing so. I still can’t believe you’re both alive and...almost unscathed,” he says, looking to his stitches and Ben rolls his eyes. 

“Haha,” Ben deadpans. 

“You know, you’re quite lucky. The placement, the size of it, and everything is going to look pretty badass. You’re lucky it’s not an inch to the left or it would just highlight your nose oddly. This is really the best look for you.”

“I hate you.”

“I know,” Poe laughs. “I’m just messing with you. But seriously, it’s gonna look so cool.”

“Well, thanks,” he says, unable to hide his smirk for long as he recalls Rey's comment from earlier. She turns to look at him then from across the room and she smiles at him warmly and Ben realizes that for the rest of his life he would be so privileged to always see her there.

Well, not _there_ as in this motel room. _Fuck,_ he really needs to start thinking of options. He’s not even sure if they should stay the night here, unnerved at it’s proximity to where it all happened. He’d prefer to get out of the city, especially now that Finn and Poe brought their stuff over. They could get to Hondo's, trade Mitaka's car for one he and Hondo agreed on.

“So what happens now?” Poe asks as if he can hear Ben’s paranoid thoughts.

Ben huffs, mashing the noodles with the chopsticks as he tries to think. “I’m thinking. If I’m honest, I never thought this far ahead. Not seriously.”

“Well, the city is gonna most likely be pretty hot for a while considering the head of one of the biggest secret assassination society just got killed in his own office and no one knows who did it. Including the six guards who are dead now too,” Poe says coyly. “So...I’d think of someplace. Someplace they’d never think you to go...if there is a ‘they’ left.”

“Any suggestions?”

They could just keep moving on the road. Go to Canada or something. But they need to stay close enough that Jyn can still tend to Rey and the baby.

“Well, seeing as you're a future family man, where do you want to call home? Do you have one someplace?”

 _A home._ “I did once,” Ben says softly, recalling what it looked like. A house that he lived in with his mother and occasionally with his father when he was around. Back before Ben got sent to California. 

He thinks of his mother for a long moment though. He wonders what she’s doing. Where she must live now. Or if she curses his name and burned all his things and his childhood photos. If she connected the dots like he knows she did, she knows who was responsible for Han’s death. She knows where he went after he left Luke’s.

And then his uncle comes to mind. Ben grits his teeth as he wonders if he’s hanging around with her and if Luke would try to kill him again. Or if Ben would try to kill _him._

“I’m sure you’ll think of something,” Poe says, breaking through his thoughts as he pats him on the shoulder. "But if you're looking for names you know how to spell mine."

" _Poe Dameron Solo_ ," Ben tries out. "I'll have to think about it," he says sarcastically but Poe's hearty laugh was infectious.

* * *

Rey hugs Finn and Poe as they leave, trying not to think that it very well could be the last time she sees them for... _ever?_

“This kid is lucky to have you as a mom, peanut. They’re in good hands.”

“Thank you,” she breathes out, getting teary at his words and how comforting they sound.

“And as for that husband of yours…” Finn looks to Poe beside him and they smile. “He’ll be good to you. To _both_ of you. You’re gonna have a family and I can’t think of anyone more deserving of it.”

“Stop, I’m already crying and I’m very hormonal and–” Finn just pulls her into another hug with a laugh and Poe joins in too.

“The Solo’s won’t be so ‘solo’ anymore,” Finn chuckles in her ear.

“Oh my god,” Poe rolls his eyes. “Even for you.”

Rey doesn’t care how cheesy it is. She loves it.

And then from the door emerges a very stiff Ben who was stuck trying to get a shirt on but couldn’t raise his arm in fear of tearing the stitches. Rey growls at him. Pulling away from Finn and Poe to rush to him. “I told you to stay in bed!”

“I just wanted–” Ben tries to defend but she ignores his claims.

“Give me the shirt," she says, pulling it back over his head and starting by gently pulling the one sleeve up his arm so not to disturb his wound before getting it over his head and he can do the rest. She smooths it out over his chest before turning back to their two friends. They’re already smiling back at them.

Finn brings his hands up, pretending to take a picture of them by making a ridiculous sound. “You’re both very adorable for two knuckleheads that took down a serious asshole today.”

“That was pretty much just her,” Ben reminds them.

“Alright, then one knucklehead and his wife,” Poe teases.

“I’m not disagreeing with you,” Ben chuckles.

“Alright, well, look after yourselves. We love you!” Finn cheers.

“We love you too,” Rey tells them, reaching forward to hug them once more. Ben hangs back and she predicted he would. He’s not the cuddly type (at least not with anyone else but her) and she’s sure that she claiming that both of them love Finn and Poe made him roll his eyes but he’ll survive she thinks as she gives their two friends one final farewell and utmost gratitude for all they had done. 

“Watch after Rose and Paige, will you?” Rey asks them when she pulls away. 

“Always,” Finn promises and Rey’s fears are eased slightly as she thinks of the Tico’s. At least they won’t get sucked into the First Order when they _graduate._

They step over to their car and Finn waves one last time. “Good luck, Solo’s.”

Rey wipes at her eyes, trying not to cry as they wave them off until they’re out of sight. Ben pulls her back inside, hugging her closely as they both realize the sort of day it's been. 

Snoke was dead. They had their bags. They’ve said goodbye to all but Jyn and Cassian that vowed to help until the baby comes. And yet they were sitting in a mediocre motel, exhausted, relieved, and yet, still scared. 

Ben pulls her to lay beside him after she insisted he lay back down. She sits in the crook of his good shoulder and his cheek is pressed softly on top of her head. His hand spread over her abdomen. She keeps her palm over his knuckles. 

Even in their silence, it’s like he can hear her thoughts.

“I might have an idea,” he says softly. “I don’t know how I feel about it though.”

“You mean...a place we could go? Someplace safe?”

“Someplace safe,” he confirms.

She turns her head to look up at him. His eyes still look worried and she hopes to see him one day soon go at least an hour without such a look.

“Tell me,” she asks him, hoping he knows that no matter where they go, she trusts him.

He squeezes her hand, pursing his lips as he tries to find the words. "I'm not sure how welcome I'd be...or if I'd even want to be. But I know it'd be safe, at least for you and it's close enough where Jyn can get to us. So I think...no matter how I feel, I need to try. If it keeps us safe and gives us a chance then I need to face it. Face _her_."

Rey understands as he gets choked up who he means. She squeezes his hand before kissing him again. She knows how difficult this will be for him but he was willing to try for their sakes.

"I'm with you, Ben. All the way."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo ummmm...I know the "big showdown" probably seemed kinda anti-climatic and I know I had Rey kill Snoke but I wanted it to differ from the real throne room and I needed it to all go down pretty quick and keep us rolling lol so that's how we got this mess. 
> 
> I know this one was a little odd but at least now they're nearly out of the woods and we'll be getting some pretty soft content from these past babes.
> 
> Honestly, I don't know how I feel about this chapter but I hope you liked it.
> 
> BTW THANK YOU FOR 200 KUDOS I FEEL COOL


	27. Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at me spending way too much time on a story I promised myself would only be 20 chapters and under 100k words. Can't even help myself.
> 
> Anyways, hope you're all doing alright in these trying times. Much love and Reylo, my babes.

Gwendolyn Phasma was one of the most fearsome assassins of their world. Well, of the First Order free world where the playing field got leveled a bit, she quickly catapulted herself to a top spot. 

And yet she still resides occasionally in the city. A small, oddly humble apartment for a woman like her as it sticks to the essentials although he can tell just looking around that she was partial to chrome.

A stark contrast to the ornate penthouse dwellings Armitage has found for himself, especially in the thirteen or so years he’s been able to take more for himself. 

Phasma seems to be her usual stoic self as she prepares something in her kitchen which, on account of the horrendous noise too loud for Hux’s hangover, must be a juicer or a blender. She emerges back to the dining room with two glasses filled with an ugly green mush.

“Drink this, you look like shit,” she says, setting it in front of him. 

“Always were the charmer, Phasma,” Hux rolls his eyes, repulsed at the smell. 

Phasma drinks her slop with no issue at all as she moves to stand at her head of the table. She had a frightening resting face and certainly had Dathomir drilled into her more than any other alumni Hux has met.

Kira Niima, or should he say Kira Ren included. But then again, he actually knows her more through reputation than anything else. And the fact that his son might have killed her.

“Have you heard the news by any chance?” Hux asks, setting the glass aside.

“I heard your wife went back to Russia and I can hear her cursing your name from here if that’s what you mean.”

“You call that news?” Hux laughs. “She’s been doing that for years.”

“Then what news are you referring to?” Phasma asks.

“Well, you no doubt recall my son, Eldridge?”

“How could I forget the little shithead that called me ‘fifty-foot bitch’ last time I was welcomed into your home?”

Hux could wince. His son’s reputation was possibly worse than his own even though he was still under twenty-five.

“Well, it seems he’s gotten me into a bit of a complicated situation. One I need some assistance getting him and myself...all of us really, out of.”

“Let him get himself out of his own dumb shit. You can’t coddle the boy forever. If he’s killed, he’s killed, and don’t tell me that wouldn’t be a major fucking weight off your shoulders.”

“Believe me, I know. Problem is, like I said, this is a problem that’s going to spread. It’s not just Eldridge’s life at stake.”

“Well, what then? What did he do? Why the fuck are you here?” Phasma says, slamming the glass on the table as she grows impatient.

“Would you kill Kylo Ren for five million dollars?”

Phasma is visibly taken aback as she hears a name that, just a few days ago, Hux hadn’t heard in years. 

“What the fuck did Eldridge do?” she growls.

Hux chuckles. “I thought that would get your attention.”

“Cut the shit. What’s going on? Is he–Are _they_ back?” She bites out.

“Well, as of the other night, Kira was shot by my son in her home so I’d say the chances of her joining him are beyond slim...but I’m sure he’s on his way if he’s not already here.”

“What does that mean? She’s dead?”

Phasma’s hatred for Kira was common knowledge. Kira who hasn’t been around for years and yet still, Phasma holds such spite for her old classmate. Even though Kira was off the scene for months by the time Phasma started working jobs.

“To be honest, I don’t know. She very well might be so you can imagine the kind of mood he’ll be in about now.”

“Why did Eldridge shoot her?” Phasma asks, sounding annoyed she did not get the honors. “Where the fuck did he even find them? And why didn’t she kill him?”

“Eldridge and his buddies saw their car. He knew nothing about them but he and his shit headed friends got the upper hand when they threatened their son. The way Eld tells it, the kid was having some reaction, asthma, or something. Best bet would be she was distracted or most likely, compassionate. Ready to die for her child in a way I would never be for mine.”

“Is this the same bastard they ran away to have or did they have more?”

“I don’t know. Would it matter?”

“I just want to know if they have more kids.”

“Would that affect the likelihood of you taking the contract?”

“No, I’ll take the fucking contract. But I need to know if she’s dead or not so I can finish it for good,” she explains like it’s obvious. “So I would need to know in advance how many brats they had.”

Hux snickers. “You want to waste them too?”

Phasma doesn’t give him a response, instead, she crosses the room to take his glass left untouched. She knocks it back and spins back for the kitchen.

“Tell your son he got one right for once,” she cracks and that’s all she has to say, meaning that was his cue to leave.

He can’t agree with her as Eldridge is the reason he’s in the biggest shitstorm he’s been in for years. But Phasma seemed to think it was nothing but opportunity to finally face her former classmate or at the very least kill her husband. 

As Hux rises to leave, he hears glass shatter in the kitchen as Phasma starts throwing the glasses. 

Perhaps Phasma could just be the one to bring Kylo to his end. She certainly had the fiery motivation to do so. Perhaps her only reason for aggression now is due to the possibility that she could not kill Kira herself if she was already dead.

But if anyone was going to find out and make sure, it would be her.

So much so, he probably wouldn’t even need to pay her but at least it all puts Hux a little further at ease that perhaps this whole episode could be more contained than he feared when he woke in the armchair in front of his fireplace with the empty bottle in his hand.

* * *

Grandma Leia’s house was the home their dad grew up in. And Lydia knows it to be the house she was born in as well.

She doesn't remember when they lived here, she was too little but Lydia recalls coming here when she was little and playing with her grandmother that her brother and sister did not get to know the way she did. Even then, Lydia didn’t get to know her the way her parents did. 

But she was a lovely woman that loved their family very much from what Lydia can tell. 

It was still pretty early in the morning but she was awake, sitting up against the headboard of the big bed of which Lydia is pretty sure she was born on, in the room her dad grew up in. The room he and mom had stayed in when they lived here with Grandma Leia. 

She gets up as quietly as she can, trying to slide Mae off her shoulder and lay her back onto the pillow so not to wake her. She gets to her feet, grabbing her sweatshirt as she tiptoes her way out of the room and across the hallway.

To the nursery that has remained mostly unchanged since she was a baby. Be it a little dusty but more or less the same as grandma said she wanted to keep it so for her when she came for playdates. Lydia wanders to the shelf where there were pictures of her as a baby scattered everywhere. Most of which were duplicates of ones they had at home but some she hasn’t seen in a while.

There’s one of Leia holding her when she looked like a newborn, sitting next to Lando on the couch as they waved to the camera. There’s one of Lydia wearing a green knitted beanie while she played with Leia’s necklace.

Lydia takes a photo album off the shelf, moving to sit cross-legged on the floor as she opens it. There’s plenty of pictures of her mother while she was still pregnant with her. Plenty of the nursery when it was still an empty, half-painted room. One had dad standing on a stool with paint on his clothes with a big grin on his face. 

Another one where her mom was standing to the side so they could document the size of her belly. _Twenty weeks_ , it said underneath.

The pictures continue. All of them capturing small moments of her grandmother, her parents, Lando, Jyn, and Cassian, and then eventually her as a baby.

It all seems so normal. No further hints of them being who they previously were. No sign of her father being the same man she saw weave through their house, sending body after body to the floor.

“What are you doing?” 

Lydia looks up to see Theo standing in the doorway, rubbing his eyes. 

“Looking at pictures,” she says as he comes to sit beside her. “From when I was a baby.”

Theo is quiet but he looks at the pictures as she slowly goes through the pages. But as the silence prolongs, she realizes he’s upset as he sniffles and covers his face with his hands and Lydia moves to hug him. 

“It’s okay,” Lydia tells him, unsure what to say but knowing she had to try to do what she can. That’s what she promised dad.

“I just wish mom and I hadn’t gone home when they were there. I just wish they took the car and whatever else if it meant they left us alone,” he cries. 

“I know...me too.”

“And mom, she was...she was talking to me before she made me run and it just sounded like...like she thought she was gonna die or something and that no matter what dad would know what to do. But then he just...left.”

“He didn’t want to. He wanted to stay,” Lydia reminds him. “He wouldn’t have gone unless he had to. He told us that.”

There’s a long pause before Theo speaks again.

“Lydia,” he starts, some tears spilling over his cheeks. “Do you think dad...I mean, you heard what he said to Mae. Do you think he’s going after them?”

Lydia looks up to the ceiling feeling so lost as to what she’s supposed to say. Instead, she scoots away a bit so she can face him a bit better as a question of her own is the first thing that comes to mind. “Theo, when the men came to the house, did mom…” Lydia trails off trying to think of the words. Trying to think of a scenario where mom acted the way dad did when she went with him to the house. Where he killed at least twelve people. “She knew how to hurt them back?”

That was a dumb question. For as long as they’ve known, mom and dad always said they were bodyguards. 

Still, Theo nods. “She was so quick, but still, she was just trying to get me to my inhaler above all else, and then they just...My ears still hurt from the noise.”

Lydia feels like she could still hear the muffled shot from within the safe room so she can’t imagine how loud it was to be in the same room as it all. 

A dilemma settles heavily on her shoulders as she thinks about how to communicate with her brother. Now was such a scary time for them and she thinks honesty would be best. Plus she’d like to not be alone with the information but she didn’t want to overwhelm him any more than he already was. 

So she tries to answer his initial question as best she can. “I think dad wants to fix this himself. And I think he’s scared to do it without mom and that he had to leave us but...as scary as it sounds...I think he’s done this kind of thing before.”

“Done what before?” Theo croaks, wiping his eyes.

She thinks of seeing him on the monitors as he shoved a man into their bookcase or how he broke the neck of the man laid flat on their kitchen island. 

“Like, the bodyguard stuff but more when it’s just like, the fighting part of it…” Lydia tries to say vaguely. 

Theo looks to her curiously, seemingly processing her words. He opens his mouth, about to respond when they hear soft cries from the other room. Lydia jumps to her feet and races back to the bedroom where Mae was sat in the middle of the big bed they had all shared with big tears in her eyes.

Lydia reaches for her, instinctively saying her name even though her hearing aids are downstairs. Mae’s hair is a mess and Lydia tries to brush it back, recalling how their mother always did that when any of them got upset. It was always calming.

Mae quiets but she doesn’t seem very eased as her breathing is shaky and sniffily. 

“I want mommy n’ daddy,” she rasps out against Lydia’s shoulder. 

Lydia hugs her tighter as Mae wouldn’t be able to hear her response like this anyway but Lydia knows how she feels.

They stay like that for a long moment. Lydia can’t think of anything to say or do to help them the way she wants to because it seemed nothing could really be helped for the moment.

But then Lando calls from downstairs that he made breakfast and it seems like that is the only logical first step forward.

_“Breakfast,”_ she signs to Mae, hoping that was helpful.

_“Can we call daddy?”_ Mae signs back.

Lydia doesn’t know and yet she still answers, _“Maybe, Maeby,”_ because that always made Mae smile. 

Mae hugs her tight which was really a silent request that she be carried downstairs and Lydia knows she wouldn’t deny her that. 

* * *

_“Dad, you put it on video, not the timer,”_ Theo laughs and the sound of laughter seems so foreign to him even though the video wasn’t taken that long ago.

_“I told you my thumbs were too big for that phone,”_ Ben hears himself tell Rey as he stands beside her, Mae in his arms.

He watches as he and Rey do that flirting type of banter that he loves while simultaneously embarrassing his kids and it’s such a beautiful sight to see the five of them all so happy on the beach. A day that wasn’t so long ago but was light years away from where they all are now.

Ben is a miserable mess as he lays in the hotel bed. He promised himself he had to try to rest because he hadn’t slept in over two days but he could only get about forty-minute naps at a time before he wakes up in tears from haunting dreams or just aching sorrow.

So naturally, he makes it worse by watching videos on his phone or through the pictures from the broken frames Panaka had given him. He discovered some of them to be Mae's drawings. He handles them with care, trying to straighten out the curled edges.

Ben arrived at Maz’s castle around five in the morning. Oddly enough, only Maz was available and behind the counter as if she knew he was coming and brought him up to the room.

_“Long time no see... Solo. I thought you were done with this. You and your partner packed up for a reason and now I see you here,” she said cryptically before she passed him his room key. “Must be serious.”_

_“Very,” he croaks out._

_“Is she alive?” Maz asked as she walked ahead of him to the elevator. Of course, she meant Rey._

_Ben waited until they’re in the elevator before he answered her. “Coma.”_

_The small woman had closed her eyes and shaken her head. “Poor dear,” she had whispered and Ben knew he’d cry if he responded so he didn’t say anything._

_“You’re here for a reason, I doubt these were natural circumstances.”_

_“Indeed…” Ben said cryptically as he unlocks his room. A suite, she had given him. Ben is grateful she didn’t give him the private penthouse he and Rey stayed in all those years ago. He’s not sure he could have handled that._

_As he had settled his bags on the end of the bed, looking out at the early morning of the city, Maz spoke again. “Give me a name.”_

_“Eldridge Hux,” he had told her gravely, looking out the windows, his fists clenched._

_“Visit me in the bar this evening. I’ll have something for you by then,” Maz told him, her tone was laced with resolve. Before excusing herself, however, she tells him one last thing. “Get some rest. You’ll need it.”_

That was hours ago and Ben has found, what he thinks, under three hours of sleep and instead just sits on the bed, reminding himself why he was here by looking at the people that were depending on him because he’s already fought the impulse to go home several times now. He hardly even has an appetite but he managed to keep down the tame lunch Maz sent up to him.

He rises, setting his phone and the photos aside as he makes his way to the bathroom.

His reflection mocks him and he would punch the fucking mirror if he could but he has to remind himself to stay in check. So he takes a series of deep breaths before he decides to take a very cold, nearly freezing shower. But that always helped him focus before. And by before, he thinks to his First Order days. The days where he worked alone. 

He stands there for a long time. Probably too long because by the time he gets out he realizes he’s shivering and quickly tries to get dressed.

When he’s fixing his tie, debating if he should have shaved, there’s a knock at the door and he wonders if it’s Maz coming to tell him what she found early and he speeds for the door. But when he opens it, he is faced with a man he hasn’t seen in years but only days ago just ran into his husband. 

“Finn?”

“Ben,” Finn sighs with big eyes as he practically leaps for him and envelopes him in a hug. “I’m sorry, my shift just started and I saw your name on file at the desk and I had to see if it was really you or not.”

“It’s me,” he croaks, pulling away from the man only to invite him in and close the door behind him. 

“And Rey?” Finn asks with a grin. “Poe said he ran into you two but he won’t tell me where so I have a feeling it was that gallery with the painting I told him not to buy. But whatever, he’s gonna get it anyway. More importantly, what are you doing here and where the hell is she?” Finn says as he tries to look over Ben’s shoulders and further around the room.

“Finn…” Ben says gravely, setting a hand on his shoulder. “I’m here alone.”

Finn’s smile falls. “What do you mean?” Hopefully, Finn starts to pick up on the overall tone and the fact that this was not a happy moment. “What are you doing here?”

Ben opens his mouth, trying to think about how to explain it without crying but he doubts he has much control over that any more. Ben slumps to the foot of the bed, gathering in his hands as if that would keep him strong. “Hux’s kid came to our house to steal our car. I’m here to find him and his bullshit friends after what they did.”

Finn slumps into the armchair across from him. “What did they...Ben, where’s Rey? Where are your kids?”

Ben takes a deep breath. “She’s in a coma, recovering from blunt force to the head and a gunshot to the stomach...from a bullet that was, to my understanding, aimed at our son,” Ben bites through his teeth, thinking of Theo’s panicked face when he caught him running from their house. 

Finn’s jaw might as well be on the floor. “What the fuck?” 

“I know…”

Finn bolts up to stand and pace in front of him. “No, seriously. I mean, what the fuck? Hux’s kid did that just to steal your fucking car?”

“Yeah...and the kids,” Ben starts, realizing he hasn’t called them today and he should before he goes down to talk to Maz. “They keep asking me why this happened...why I left them to come to the city...My one daughter looking at me like I’m a stranger after she watches me kill the crew of twelve men that came to our house the night after as she watched from our safe room.”

“Ben–”

“I don’t know what to tell my son who thinks this is all his fault because he was having an asthma attack when it happened...or my youngest daughter who doesn’t quite understand what a coma is or why I told them it’s unsafe to visit their mother in the hospital.”

“Jesus, Ben,” Finn breathes out, his hands over his mouth. “What are you…” he shakes his head, still pacing. “What the fuck are you gonna do?”

“I’m going to find this Eldridge prick and I’m gonna fucking kill him.”

“And Hux when he and all his cronies come after you?”

“Them too.”

“Ben, Ben, you got to think about this. Things have changed a lot since you were gone. Believe it or not, Hux has a lot of pull in the city now. We’re not talking about four or five guys. We’re talking about a heavy presence. He’s practically the new Snoke.”

Ben’s stomach turns at his words. “Snoke was scary. Hux is just a fucking asshole with an asshole son that thinks it’s funny to threaten women and children.”

“But you’re one guy... _One guy_ going up against who knows how many.”

“I don’t care how many...They’re not gonna kill me. I got a few days to sort this shit out and then I promised them I’d be back. That we’d be there together when Rey woke up. Because it can’t be long. She’s going to wake up. That’s what they all say and it’s what I know. Because I know her better than anyone and I know she wouldn’t plan on being away long,” Ben tells Finn as he looks down to the photos in his hand. 

The one on top is a picture from Mae’s first birthday and she was sitting in her highchair. Lydia and Theo were trying to feed her cake with big smiles on their faces. Theo was missing his two front baby teeth.

“Is that them?” Finn asks softly and Ben sees he’s looking at the photo too.

Ben nods, passing it to him. “About four years ago. Mae’s first birthday.”

Finn gives a small chuckle. “Damn, look at them...they all have so much of both of you in them.”

Ben smirks, “They’re good, you know? Smart, creative, caring...and now they’re just scared.”

“I can’t imagine.”

“So I can’t be gone long. I have to get back soon. Preferably tomorrow or the next day.”

Finn nods but they fall into silence after that. Finn doesn’t seem sure what to say. But a long movement passes as he just admires the photo Ben had passed him of the kids.

“So there’s baby Mae in the middle. What are the names of the other two?”

Ben smiles. “There’s Lydia, our oldest. She’s twelve. And then Theodore, _Theo,_ he’s ten. Mae is five. The kids call her Maeby.”

“Where are they right now?”

“They’re with my uncle. Well...my honorary uncle. I trust him. He’s been like a grandfather to them.”

“Does he know what’s at stake here?”

“He knows what Rey and I were.”

“So...if something, worst-case scenario, were to happen...they have someone?”

Ben bites his lip, knowing Finn is just taking precautions. He nods. 

“Well, that’s good. And, you know, Poe and I can always–”

“I’m not gonna die. At least not now.”

“I’m not saying you will. I’m just thinking you would want to take precautions and we can...we can keep an eye on them.”

Ben nods but can’t speak. He’ll just cry. So he nods, hoping that would suffice to say _thank you._

“You know, you should really let Poe help you with this.”

“No. I don’t want to drag anyone else into this. This is between me and them.”

“What about Rey? You always worked alongside her.”

“Rey and I were partners.”

“Yeah, but–”

“Rey did the impossible once. She brought down the scariest son of a bitch I’ve ever known and the handful of assholes that protected him in a matter of seconds.” Ben recalls that day easily. He thinks about it often. “She did what I never could. And she still pays the heaviest price. She’s still the one in that fucking hospital bed. I’m still the one making all the fucking messes and everyone I love pays for them. So this time I take care of this myself. I’m gonna nip everything in the fucking bud before it has a chance to hurt anyone else. I’m not gonna risk Poe or you or anyone else getting hurt for this.”

“And if you get hurt.”

“Then I’m getting back up...and I’m going home.”

* * *

Finn hopes Ben knows what he’s doing. 

He says he’ll go home when it’s over but this world didn’t work like that. It’s not like Ben forgot all the fucking strife that came with trying to get out the first time. And Finn still can’t believe how lucky they got then. He’s always surprised no one ever found them and dragged them back after they ran away. But then again, Snoke wasn’t the most well-liked. Not that Hux is either, but Hux’s industry is different. Finn hopes this time when Ben walks away, he gets away clean.

He looks so tired already. 

Poe said when he ran into them the other day that they looked good. That Rey looked beautiful if not a little more mature than the young twenty year old they last saw. And Ben looked a bit older but wore it well. Not to mention Poe gushed for ten minutes telling him about their adorable daughter that liked to hide behind their legs. 

He looks to Ben as he shuffles through some pictures in his hands, his hair hiding his eyes. Finn tries to think of what to say but has nothing. He can’t believe the tragedy the Solo family has had to endure.

But then the phone on his nightstand rings and the man jumps to his feet to get it and Finn clears out of his way.

“Hello?” He answers. “Hey, baby, you okay?” Ben asks gently and Finn assumes it must be his youngest judging by his tone and the tiny voice he can barely hear from the phone. “You can hear me alright? You’re hearing aids are working okay? Good. Good.”

Ben steps into the bathroom for privacy to talk to his kids. Finn wondered how the man is even holding it all together but just hearing the beginning of that conversation really puts it all into perspective. Ben was a good father and was trying to do what he can for his kids in such a scary time. 

Finn looks to the other pictures, his heart wrenching as he sees such bright and happy faces knowing that the Solo family was suffering. A few of them were drawings in what seemed to be crayon. One was a rendering of what seemed to be a purple dog. Another was a portrait of Rey. There's an absolutely priceless one of Ben with 'Daddy' written over his head in red. All of the drawings had _By: Mae_ written in the bottom corner and the date recorded on the back in neater penmanship. Probably Rey's.

They had so much they loved which meant they had a lot to lose which was one of the worst things to have in this world because to assholes like Hux or Snoke, love was a weakness.

So Finn decides, he couldn’t give a damn what Ben says, he’s not going through this alone. He’s going to try and assist him how he can. Because as per usual Ben seems to think it’s him against the world but Finn knows if Rey were here she’d want him to have somebody to help him. 

Rey...he hopes she’s okay. He can’t imagine if she didn’t pull through. Not just how devastating that would be because she was an amazing person but she’s also a mother to three children that love and need her.

Finn sets the photos aside, covering his face with his hands as he tries to think what he’ll say to Poe the second he leaves Ben’s room and how they can assist. 

But then Ben steps out of the bathroom with red eyes, sniffling but trying to act like he’s fine as he goes and reaches for his jacket hanging up.

“They okay?”

“They’re as okay as they can be.”

“Does Mae wear hearing aids? I heard you say–”

“Mae’s deaf. Has been since she was born. She has the cochlear implants so she can hear. We just call them hearing aids.”

“Poe didn’t mention it.”

“Well, she was talking mostly so he probably didn’t notice.”

“Does she sign?”

Ben gives a soft sort of smile. “All the time. More than she talks actually. She’s so shy.”

Finn smiles. “Poe said she had your eyes and your hair and I can see what he means,” Finn tells him softly as he holds up the same picture from earlier where the girl in question was just a year old but her head was covered in thick black waves that looked just like Ben’s.

Ben gives him a smile. “Thanks. Fortunately, she didn’t get my ears.”

Finn chuckles. 

“Listen, I got to get back down to the lobby...but if you’re in a tight spot call me. Or Poe. Or whatever man, just don’t get yourself killed.”

“I won’t.”

“You better mean that,” Finn tells him, passing the picture back over to him and making for the door. “Because when your wife wakes up she’s gonna expect to see you there.”

* * *

Lydia told her siblings and Lando she had to go to the bathroom but she really just wanted some privacy for a moment after talking on the phone with dad. He didn't sound good and she wonders what's happening. She's afraid next time she calls he may not answer because something might have happened. 

She's just scared and she hides away in Grandma Leia's bathroom with the water running to cover the sound of her cries. 

She wants to tell Theo but he's already stressed. She wants to talk to Lando but she can't tell if that was smart or not. She wants to call dad back and just ask him what she's supposed to do to not feel afraid, but she already knows he doesn't have an answer. Because she knows he's scared too. 

Most of all, Lydia just wants her mom to be there. She tucks the jacket tight around herself, pretending like it was mom hugging her. She wants to be brave like her. She thinks of how dad said mom was taken into that horrible school that gave her that mark on the back of her neck. She wonders what kept mom strong when she was young, alone, and scared. She just wishes she could ask her herself. 

She asked her dad if he spoke to Jyn or Cassian but he said that mom was the same as yesterday. She wishes she could visit her and she knows Theo and Maeby do too. It all seemed so unfair.

And she doesn't even like to look at her phone and see the messages from her friends at school, asking about what happened or if her mom was okay because Lydia doesn't even know what to say or how to feel. It just all feels like too much. 

Still, Lydia gets up, splashing water past her face trying to relax before she went back downstairs and Lando asks her why her eyes were red, even if he already knows why. She takes a long look at herself in the mirror, wondering how convincing it would look.

As she steps out of the bathroom, walking through Leia's old room, she bumps into the dresser and an old picture frame falls forward. "Shit," Lydia swears under her breath, reaching to prop it back up. It's an old picture of her dad when he looked about Theo's age. She's seen it before. But what steals her attention is the envelope that was tucked behind it, revealed once the frame fell. 

Lydia reaches for it, looking in the doorway to ensure she was alone before she peaks inside to see what it said. Wondering if it had any answers for her as she feels desperate to find guidance from anywhere at this point. 

But as she peaks inside, she sees handwriting she knows to be her father's although it's a little sloppier than his usual fancy cursive. Still, she makes out the first few lines. 

_I know you know. I know Luke told you where I went. He probably didn’t tell you why I really left but I had to go. I know he didn’t tell you the truth because dad–_

"Lydie?" 

Lydia spins to look at the door, hiding the letter behind her back as she sees her sister waiting for her with big eyes. She's cradling a soft blanket from the nursery in place of the stuffed dog Rufus that she left with mom. 

"What's wrong, Maeby?"

"Wando said he'll take us to get noodles for dinner but we have to eat them here."

"Sounds good," Lydia says, stuffing the letter in her pocket, knowing she'll have to read it later. 

"And my 'heawing' aids are beeping again."

"Let's change the batteries real quick...and I can fix your hair," Lydia tells her, noticing her hair was a frizzy mess as she had taken a nap on the couch.

"Can you do it like mommy does?" Mae asks as she follows her back to their room where their stuff was. 

"I can try," Lydia tells her sister, feeling like it was a much bigger question than just talking about hair. Still, her mind dwells back on the letter in her pocket that she knows her dad wrote. She knows she shouldn't read it...but she's tired of not having answers...or of having answers she doesn't know what to do with. If she's old enough to be responsible for her siblings and secrets of which she doesn't understand, then she was old enough to try and piece this all together. 

Maybe that would help her understand all of this better.

* * *

Ben makes his way through the labyrinth of Maz’s hotel with ease, recalling all the turns and uneven steps that haven’t changed at all over the years although other parts of the hotel have. This has stayed the same. 

He feels an even bigger drive of motivation after checking in with the kids and hearing their voices on the phone. All the more reason to get this shit over with and make his way back home as soon as he can.

Ben spoke only briefly to Lydia. The three of them were all clustered together calling from Lydia's phone. He could tell Mae and Theo were still confused and scared. But Lydia seemed so uneasy and he hates that he's asked so much of her. To wear this burden of knowing what her father is and having to pretend everything was normal. Especially for her two siblings that he asked her to comfort while he was gone and their mother was in a coma. 

God, he feels like such a fucking asshole.

He slides a coin through the slot of the door, waiting for whoever is working security to look at him through the sliding grate. The eyes are judgemental at first but then go wide when they seem to recognize him. Quickly, the locks click and the door opens, revealing the loud swanky music of the club that was concealed inside. 

He hasn’t been to this club since that night he and Rey came to ask Maz for help when they were running from Crimson Dawn. The night he started to notice just how distant Rey was being because she had just learned she was pregnant and didn’t know how to tell him or what to do. He felt worried then, worried he was losing her. But now, he’s worried of losing her in an entirely different way and it’s an odd mix of sadness and rage that drives him forward as he weaves through people to find Maz’s table. 

He finds her sitting in the same small corner, in the same booth as always.

“Sit down,” she says in a grave voice. 

“What did you find?” he says in the same tone.

“Hux seems to be pretty much on lockdown which means he’s being wary and yet his son is out clubbing.”

“Which club?” Ben asks, having a very one-track mind.

Maz ignores him. “Which means Hux is purposely trying to draw you in. He knows what you’re here for.”

“Which club?” Ben bites out. He just needs to know where.

Maz sighs, taking off her glasses to rub her eyes. “Kanjiklub.”

That’s all Ben needs to hear before he gets back to his feet and makes to leave with one destination in mind. He ignores Maz calling him back. 

He has somewhere to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kanjiklub showdown *cough* Red Circle scene substitute lol *cough* on the horizon.
> 
> I feel so bad for Lydia and yet I'm the one making her go through all this shit. Well, all of them actually omg. I'm evil. 
> 
> Also, not Star Wars or Reylo related but I just finished watching "Wayne" on Prime. It's created by Shawn Simmons who was a writer for Deadpool if that sets the mood. It's like John Wick meets John Hughes on a road trip of two teenagers and I'm in love with it. Kind of like the American version of "The End of the F***ing World" if anyone watched that. 
> 
> It was originally a Youtube Red Original so it only had one season before they canceled all their shit but Prime picked it up and if enough people watch it then they'll pick it up for another season so...you know what to do.


	28. Leia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know now firsthand what people mean when they tag 'I wrote this instead of sleeping' but whatever.
> 
> I hope this isn't stupid but I'm too excited to share it so here.

Leia Organa was sitting at her kitchen table while she drank her coffee and read the paper, alone. Just like she has for years now.

She’s gotten so accustomed to it that most of the time she tries to find peace in the solitude as she’s made her choice to stay in her house even after all that’s happened. But perhaps it was just one of those sentimental mornings where she thinks back to what it used to be like. When she used to sit here across from her son while he was eating cereal in his pajamas on a Saturday morning such as this one. 

It doesn’t seem that long ago but it was.

Leia tries not to dwell on it. It never did her much good and always put her in a mood so she prefers to just read the paper. 

But then the doorbell rings out and Leia freezes, wondering if she had gotten the day mixed up or if she told Amilyn they were doing something today. But no, she’s certain she set aside today for herself. 

Thinking it was a salesman, she ignores it, until the doorbell rings out again and she sighs, setting the paper aside as she makes her way for the door. She sees a tall figure standing on the other side. They are muddled through the detailed glass. 

But as she opens the door and looks upon the man standing before her, she braces herself on the frame before her knees give out. Because it doesn’t matter how long it’s been, the fact that his hair was long enough to cover his big ears or the fact that he’s got the scariest looking scar bisecting his face. This massive man standing on her patio was undoubtedly her son. 

It was Ben.

His lips purse as he stands there with his hands in his pockets, looking unsure of what to say. 

But then he does and it’s the strangest thing to hear his voice after so long. 

“Hi, mom.”

* * *

Ben anticipated every possible reaction she could have had and even yet, he still feels uneasy because he can tell this was going to be one of the more uncomfortable scenarios. 

They stood awkwardly on the front porch for a long time, totally silent before she asked him if he wanted to come in and he agreed, following her to the kitchen that looked a lot smaller than he remembered it being. Actually, the whole house seemed smaller than it used to be but when he ducks under the archway in the kitchen he forgot that he’s a lot taller than he was when he was fourteen. 

“Coffee?” she asks him, not looking at him.

“Uh, yeah, sure. Thank you.”

She pours him a cup and sets it down at the table beside where she was presumably sitting before he arrived. “Cream? Sugar?”

“No, thanks. This is fine,” he says, sitting down. As does she. 

The tension continues as she seems to be waiting for him to take a sip so he does, nodding in approval hoping that would ease the unbearable tension. 

“You got taller,” she says with a smirk.

He nods. “A little, yeah.”

“And I don’t recall... _that,_ ” she says gesturing in a slashing motion towards his face. His scar. “It looks fresh.”

He just got the stitches out a few days ago and it’s starting to feel better. Not as much of a nuisance but it’s gonna be a while before he gets used to his reflection.

“It is. Got it a few weeks ago.”

“I’m not gonna ask how. I have a feeling I don’t want to know.”

Ben’s hand clenched on his leg and he wishes he let Rey come after all so he could hold her hand. He just figured it would be best to confront her first on his own and talk through things they never said before he tells her she’s going to be a grandmother. 

But it just falls into silence again anyway and Ben wishes Rey were here. She seemed to always know what to say. And to think he told her to stay at the hotel. 

Ben clears his throat, “Probably not…”

“You’re twenty-nine now,” she says. It’s not a question. 

“Yeah.” He doesn’t know how old she is. He just knows she looks so tiny and much more delicate than he remembers.

She shakes her head. “It’s been so long.”

“I know.”

“I’ve thought for years what I would say to you when I saw you again, but now I just don’t know. I suppose I don’t know you very well.”

Ben’s teeth grit. That’s not his fault. She sent him away!

_Calm. Stay calm._

“A lot’s changed...I’ve changed,” he says, trying to remind himself she has every reason to hate him and although she’s made some mistakes, he’s made just about every mistake a son can make. They had to meet in the middle. 

“Well, I’d hope so.”

Ben doesn’t say anything as he just stares off towards the sink, afraid to look at her. Actually afraid. 

There’s so much he wants to discuss. So much just getting lodged in his chest. He looks around for signs of Luke but there’s none. There’s only art that hangs on the wall. No pictures really. 

It nearly makes him brave enough to ask about her brother, but when he looks back at her, she has a question of her own. 

“Is that what I think it is?” she asks and he sees her eyes are looking pointedly at his hand, _his wedding ring._

Ben refrains from sliding his hand back under the table. This is why he’s here. He can’t just hide. 

“Yeah,” he says, smiling softly.

“When did you get married?”

“About two months ago.”

Leia’s eyebrows shoot up. “Really? To who?”

Ben could blush as he tries to think how to even begin to introduce Rey. 

“I imagine you met them through work?” Leia asks but half into her mug, sounding bitter. 

“I did. She’s my partner,” Ben tells her, feeling defensive.

“‘Partner?’ Wow, I didn’t know they paired you up to murder people. What a concept,” she says, unamused.

“It’s not like that.” He tenses starting to sense where this was going.

“Is that where she is? She’s ‘working’ today?”

He knew she would be mad. But he was expecting the cold remarks to be towards him, not Rey. And the sudden change makes him seethe. 

“She wanted to come but I told her not to.”

“Why?”

“Because I needed to talk to you! I haven’t seen you in years and all you know about me is what Luke probably told you and that dad...dad was my fault.”

He came to say this, he should just get it out. It’s been way too long he’s kept this all buried deep.

“Ben, I really don’t–”

He ignores her. “I have thought about it every day since it happened. It was the worst thing I ever could have done. And it was a move of weakness and manipulation from a man that constantly needed more and more until you’re fucking suffocating and there’s nothing left. 

“For years I just...I hated myself and I was so fucking lonely but I thought that’s all I had. After everything I did. To you. _To dad!_ I deserve to be the most miserable fucker on the planet and I was prepared to live that life. That’s the life I was living for almost ten years!

“But then things changed and I...I found someone that sees me. She knows what I am. She knows I’m a monster but she still let me in. And for the first time in forever, I feel like regardless of all I’ve done, that I could still be capable of being good. Of being who she deserves because she deserves...” Ben’s voice cracks. “She deserves to be free of it all. Because she’s not like me. She’s so good and kind and the most loving person I’ve ever known. She’s had to overcome so much in her life but she’s just so instinctively bright and hopeful that it’s infectious and just being with her makes me realize how fucking stupid I’ve been.”

Ben refrains from mentioning too much. He can see now this isn’t going to go the way he was hoping and he would prefer to keep certain details to himself. 

“It’s taken me three weeks to build up the courage to come here. Or better yet, it’s taken me fifteen years. Because I know what you must think of me and I should never expect that to change. Not after what I’ve done. But she told me to try. She told me to come here and tell the truth. About me. About dad. About _us!_ Because we’re scared and worried and–”

Ben almost says something in regards to the baby but stops himself. His mother seems to be waiting for him to finish but he just shakes his head. 

“But I can see this isn’t gonna work. I’m sorry for coming. I’ll show myself out.”

He gets to his feet and her eyes dwell on the tile instead of him, a sign of utter disappointment if he ever saw it. When he makes for the door she doesn’t follow him.

* * *

Rey has done nothing but pace since he left. He was so jittery and she kept telling him to relax and not to worry but if she’s honest she was nervous too. She knows how much this means to him. She asked him a dozen times just this morning (and countless times within the past few weeks) if he wanted her to come with him or if he changed his mind but he insisted he faces his mother on his own. One thing at a time. 

But then she hears the car pull up and park out front and she waits to see if her ears are wrong but then the series of their decided knocks rap on the door and she rushes to answer it. Only to find her husband on the other side looking rather grim. 

_It didn’t go well,_ she sees instantly as she pulls him in. He wasn’t gone long. That means it ended quickly. 

“What happened?” she asks as she locks the door behind him. He doesn’t answer, instead, he moves to stand in the walkway of where she had been pacing for the last forty minutes. 

His hands are on his hips and his breathing is uneven. Every time he opens his mouth to speak, he closes it again and seems to hold his breath, looking anywhere but her.

“Ben,” she says softly. “Ben, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s–” he starts but his voice croaks and he stops himself, starting to pace as she had. She waits patiently for him to find the words but they don’t seem to come. He doesn’t know what to do. It seems he was rejected and now he’s having trouble coping with it all and he looks so broken.

She steps closer to him and he seems to allow it but he still doesn’t look at her. “It was bad?”

He shrugs as casually as he can but he looks like he was a dam ready to crumble. His lips were trembling. 

Rey brings her hand to his cheek and that seems to finally pull his eyes to hers. She brushes her thumb past his scar and that’s all it takes.

The sob he gives breaks her heart and she pulls him into her arms as he seems to slump against her. “It’s okay,” she says instinctively but she’s not sure it’s true. He hugs her tighter, his face buried flush against her shoulder.

She’s seen him cry before. She’s seen him cry because he was scared or he was sad or worried and might have teared up. He cried when he was happy, like when he heard the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. But this seemed different. It reminds her more like that first time when he first told her what he did to his dad. 

Rey doesn’t know much about Leia Organa-Solo. She knows that she’s Ben’s mother and by extension her mother-in-law. She knows she bears heavily in Ben’s heart despite their years of separation and the impending meeting he was planning to have with her has made him quite anxious for the past several weeks. He’s been so worried and she’s been telling him it’ll all work out. Which of course, now she can see it hasn’t and Rey was fearing this outcome.

She knows no matter what, they’ll figure it out. They’ll find a place to call theirs, even if it’s temporary. They were survivors. They would adapt. But she knows how much this meant to him. They don’t speak. They don’t move. They stay there for a long time until his shoulders stop shaking and he seems to stop crying. 

“I’m sorry.”

“No,” Rey runs a hand through his hair. “Don’t say that.”

“She…” he croaks out. Rey holds him tighter, running her hands over his back. “I didn’t...I couldn’t–”

“It’s okay,” she tells him but he sobs out. 

“I’m sorry,” he says again.

“Ben, you should be proud of yourself. You tried.”

He sniffles, pulling away slightly. There’s something about it that makes him look so young. Like he’s scared or shaken so much by seeing his mother that it has this effect on him. It makes him look like a little boy.

“I just wanted to try and fix something. And I shouldn’t have expected anything but I thought...I thought I could do this. I thought I could find us a place to be safe but...I ruined it and now I’m just scared. I wanted this for you. After everything you’ve done for me, I just...I wanted this to work.”

“Ben, I don’t want you to think that going to your mother was for me. You should want that for _you._ ”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. She hates me.”

“Did she say that?”

Ben shrugs. “No, but...she started getting upset and I got defensive because she was...making assumptions about _you._ ”

“You told her about me?” Rey asks softly.

Ben sighs. “She saw my ring. She asked who I married and I just told her what you mean to me when she started insinuating things and it got me mad.”

“Did you tell her about the baby?”

He shakes his head. He opens his mouth again to speak but he doesn’t seem to have anything else to say about it. He just didn’t get to that part, she supposed. Or maybe he didn’t want to.

As if he could sense what his train of thought could have been, he finds his words. “I don’t know, I just started to realize that I could never redeem myself in her eyes and I just had to leave. Because I don’t know if I was expecting forgiveness or what but I don’t deserve it. Not from her. And I don’t even know if my uncle is still around or if she took his side or what the fuck he even told her or what.”

Ben had told her back in Spain he had gone to a private school run by his uncle in California. Over time she’s gotten the full story of how his uncle Luke found out Ben was considering a job offer from the First Order. From Snoke. Luke came to his room in the middle of the night to confront him about it and could have beat him to death. Ben knocked him out, grabbed his stuff, and made a run for it. To New York. 

Ben told her just last week that he didn’t really want to go to the First Order but he thought it was his only option. He didn’t see a future for himself there and his uncle attacking him pushed him over the edge and he knew he could only go to the only place he seemed to be wanted...which he now knows wasn’t really true. Snoke was just looking for the right people to manipulate and exploit. 

Rey runs a hand over his back as his eyes well with tears again. She knows how much this meant to him. To see his mother again after it all. After she sent him away when he kept getting into fights at school. It hurt him but he’s wanted to be better and to try and bridge the gaps of who he used to be to who he is now. With her and how hard he wants to protect their future. 

To know his mother rejected him again must hurt so badly. It certainly hurt to watch. “I’m so sorry, Ben.”

He just shakes his head. “I just wish this worked. I wish I found us a place...but I don’t know where we go from here now. I don’t know what comes next.”

“Hey,” Rey brings her hands to his cheeks. “We’ll figure it out.”

Ben doesn’t seem convinced but his head slumps low. He places his hands on her stomach. He takes a deep breath then and that seems to be the best way he can convince himself that she’s right.

She’s almost four months along now and the bump is more pronounced now to the point where even in her regular clothes it’s pretty obvious which is why she’s been wearing Ben's shirts mostly since they hardly go out anymore anyway, save for their walks when they stroll out to get air. Even then, Ben is still paranoid and keeping an eye out everywhere but she doesn't blame him. 

He shakes his head at himself. “Took me four weeks to get my ass over there and it took ten minutes for me to fuck it all up.”

“You didn’t fuck anything up,” Rey tells him, running her fingers through his hair. 

He gives an unconvinced sort of hum but he seems too exhausted to even argue it at this point. He hasn’t been sleeping well and it went beyond just the fact that a train rolled through every morning at five. 

“You want me to braid your hair?” she asks him softly, knowing it relaxes him even if he won’t admit it.

He gives a soft chuckle and nods. She smiles, hoping at least for this evening, he would give himself a break.

* * *

They were staying in a sort of glorified motel. It was clean and quiet, save for the five in the morning train that passed by. But they were trying to make their cash last as long as possible, paranoid to use their cards in case people were keeping an eye out for them. There’s been no indication from Cassian and Jyn that they needed to worry about anyone in particular but they felt safer paying with cash. But that meant for the first time in his adult life, Ben has been paying attention to price tags. 

They didn’t have to worry _yet._ But Ben still finds himself reaching for the coupon when he calls for pizza. A coupon he found on the box from the last pizza they ordered.

He does find himself feeling somewhat dreary after this morning but he can tell Rey is trying to make him feel better and distract him from it. So she took out the little machine they use to listen to the heartbeat and they just laid on the bed listening to the hypnotic rhythm until the batteries died.

Ben moved the chair away from the door, waiting impatiently for the pizza to arrive so that he could put the system back in order as he found that was the only way he could relax because he didn’t trust the locks.

He has the cash ready and hopes that this time it’s dark enough out that the kid that drops it off won’t stare at the scar on his face before sprinting back to his car.

He thought the hoodie would make him seem less threatening than when he would be in his suits but apparently not. 

There’s the sound of a car door closing and Ben springs up, ensuring the bathroom door was closed where Rey was taking a shower before opening it. But as he steps outside he sees someone else approaching. It would have been startling if he didn’t recognize her after seeing her this morning. 

“Mom?”

“Hello, Ben,” she says, holding up her hands as if to say she comes in peace.

“What are you doing here? How did you know where we were staying?”

“I saw your car,” she tells him, nodding over to the piece of shit Hondo gave him when they fled the city. But it helped them fly under the radar but knowing his mother, she probably wrote down his plates when he left her house. 

“Listen, I apologize for how our conversation went earlier. It was a bit of a shock to see you and I suppose I jumped to certain conclusions or whatnot but I realized that’s not how I wanted to leave things.”

Ben shakes his head. He’s not sure he should bother. He could never be the son she wanted.

“Mom, maybe it’s better if–”

“I wanted to show you something,” she says, cutting him off, reaching into her purse. “A few days after I was told your father died, I got an unmarked letter in the mail.”

 _Fuck._ Ben forgot about this but he already knows where this is going. _Fucking Fuck._

She unfolds it, passing it to him as if she wants him to read it. He can see from the lamp by their door that there’s a shine of tears in her eyes. 

He tries to focus on the words to read it, but before he can, she recites it herself.

_“‘I know you know. I know Luke told you where I went. He probably didn’t tell you why I really left but I had to go. I know he didn’t tell you the truth because dad didn’t know either when he came for me. And I was angry and confused and I acted in the worst way possible. I acted in a way that means I can never come home because I could never look you in the eye after what I did. I’m on a different path now and I’ll carry this burden for the rest of my life. That’s what I deserve._

_Please know that if I could take it back I would, but I can’t and I’m sorry. I wanted to take it back the second I pulled the trigger and I tried. But it was too late._

_Still, he brought his hand to my face and told me he loved me and I don’t understand how he could say that after what I had just done._

_I don’t know why I’m writing this. But I didn’t know who else to tell. I just wanted to say in any way I could that I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t mean anything now but I’m sorry._

_Goodbye, mom.’”_

Leia takes a shaky breath as she finishes speaking and wipes at her face. Ben looks back down to the paper with his jaw slack to see she’s memorized it word for word.

He remembers writing her a letter, thinking he would never send it. He was more drunk than he ever recalls being and sobbing like a baby curled up in a hotel bathtub still in his clothes. It was just hours after he had gotten his tattoos and his back was really fucking sore.

He remembers saying sorry but not much else. Certainly not all that. 

“I read that letter every day for I don’t even know how long. Your writing was always so nice,” she chuckles but her tears fall. 

“I spent so long thinking of what I would say and...you know, this morning, I guess I let the anger get ahold of me. Because _I was_ angry. Angry for a long time. Angry at you. Angry at your father. And angry at Luke when I confronted him with this and he finally told me what really happened at school that night and why you left. He told me you two got in a bad fight and he beat you bad...but most importantly that he started it. _Not you,_ as he had told me earlier. And that was the last time I saw him.”

Ben staggers back, realizing what she was saying. She knew the truth about school. About her brother.

“Really?”

She nods. “I’ve been alone for a long time. I’ve thought about you every day. No matter what. I always hope you’re eating enough and that you’re brushing your teeth. Because I’m your mom. And I can tell you why your father told you he loved you, right at the end. Because no matter what he always loved you. He didn’t always know how to show it or who to be to you. I’m not making excuses. He made me angrier than hell on multiple occasions especially when it came to you...but he did. He loved you.”

Ben feels frozen.

“And I think about what it took for you to face me this morning and wanting to visit me anyway. I don’t want to lose you again if I finally had a chance to get you back. I’m sorry we didn’t talk more and I still don’t know what you need although judging by this place it seems like you need a place to stay...so I hope you know that even though it’s been a long time and we haven’t spoken in about half your life, you always have a home with me. You and your...well. Whoever you married.”

Ben doesn’t know what to say. “You...You mean–”

“I know I won’t be perfect, but the way I see it, we can work things out. Have a goddamn conversation for once.”

He chuckles but his eyes get foggy again as he looks at her. 

“Uh...pizza for Ben?”

Ben looks to the side to see the same kid from last time approach him cautiously with big wary eyes and a pizza box in hand. 

_Pizza._ That’s why he initially came out here. He didn't even notice the car pull up, he was so focused on his mom.

“Right. Sorry, kid,” he sniffles, searching his pockets for the money but his mom steps forward, passing the kid a fifty-dollar bill. 

“Whoa, thank you!” the boy beams and Ben didn’t have the heart to insist on paying for it with his coupon after all so he let his mother pay for it and the kid practically skips back to his car. 

“Uh, you wanna...come in?” Ben croaks out before he realizes what he’s asking. But his mom already nods. 

“She’s in there?”

“Rey’s in the shower.”

“Rey?” she says for herself with a smile. “Is that short for something?”

He shakes his head. “No. Just _Rey._ But...I mean, I told you we were married but there’s something else you should know.”

He thinks it would be wise to have this conversation now instead of letting her see for herself once she meets Rey. 

“She’s pregnant?” his mom asks knowingly with a smirk. Ben looks at her with wide eyes, wondering how she knew that. She chuckles as his face seems to give it away and she steps forward and pulls him into a hug. She’s got a curious look on her face. She’s smiling but it seems beyond that...like she’s proud. 

He holds the pizza box over her head as he holds her back. He can’t remember the last time he hugged his mother. He remembers she tried to the day he left to go to Luke’s and he pulled away from her. He sniffles, hugging her tightly, realizing how long overdue this was.

“How could you tell?” he croaks out.

“Lucky guess,” she teases, nudging his side. He doesn't know what she means but takes it in stride anyway. 

* * *

Rey steps out of the bathroom to find the room empty. She can hear Ben talking to someone on the front porch.

The pizza delivery person?

She doubts it. She dries her hair with the towel as well as she can before stepping over to the door. She sticks her head out, enjoying the fresh night air after coming out of the hot shower. 

“Ben?”

But as Ben turns to face her with the pizza box in hand, she sees who he’s speaking to. Or rather, who he was hugging.

Her eyes go wide as she realizes who this is. She has the same eyes as he does.

_It’s Ben’s mother._

She shrinks back, suddenly afraid. She’s been self-conscious herself about what happens when Ben connected with his mother. Ben chose Rey as his family but she’s still afraid of getting shot down and rejected as much as he was. Because she’s never had a family before and this was a lot. 

She hears Ben say something before appearing in the doorway to look at her, “One second,” he tells his mom. He closes the door slightly to give them privacy. “Hey,” he breathes, setting the pizza aside and reaching for her hand. “It’s okay. She...she wants to help.”

“Did you tell her? About…” Rey’s eyes motion down to her middle.

He nods. “She knows.”

“What if she hates me?”

Ben chuckles, bringing his hands to her cheeks and she can’t help but smile at the look on his face and the cute braids on the crown of his head. “She should hate me but she told me she still loves me...and if she can love me after all I’ve done she’s gonna fucking love you...and _them,_ ” he nods down to her belly.

She’s so relieved to hear that his mother still cares about him. But she’s not surprised. Rey expected that no matter what she would love Ben. Because Rey knows no matter what, she would always love their baby.

Rey nods and Ben kisses her forehead before he turns back for the door and looks to his mother out on the porch. He waves her in and the older woman steps through. Rey is surprised to see how small she is considering how tall Ben is but perhaps his father was the tall one. 

Leia’s eyes find hers immediately and Rey realizes she hardly looked ready to meet her mother in law for the first time as her hair was damp, her cheeks were red from the heat of the shower. She didn’t even have fucking pants on. Ben’s shirt was thankfully long enough to end at her mid-thighs. It’d be longer if her stomach wasn’t getting bigger.

Ben just beams down at his mom as he settles a hand on Rey’s back. “Mom, this is my wife, Rey,” Ben says once the door is closed and the three of them are huddled in the entryway. “Rey...this is my mother, Leia.”

Rey is ready for the rejection or the disapproval or whatever it was she hasn’t admitted to feeling because Ben has had enough to worry about...but it doesn’t come. Because Leia gives her a bright smile and her wide eyes hold no judgment.

“Rey,” she repeats after Ben, stepping closer with her hands outstretched. “It’s so nice to meet you, my dear. I can tell you mean a great deal to my son.”

Rey’s hand holds tenderly to hers. “He means a great deal to _me_.”

Leia chuckles, “Thank you,” she says softly before glancing back up at Ben. “Thank you both for giving me a chance,” she says tearfully before she steps forward and tries to hug them both. 

Rey could laugh at that if she wasn’t crying again. Because she feels like she should be thanking _her_ for a chance. But perhaps it was all of them that were lucky to get a new shot at family and to find what they’ve all been looking for in different ways. 

* * *

Leia sits across from Ben and Rey at the small motel table. Rey’s stomach grumbled and Ben leaped to action, guiding her to the table and insisting she eats. 

Leia watched as Ben picked the mushrooms off his slice of pizza before giving them to Rey. They really were quite adorable.

“You braid his hair?” Leia asks Rey.

She smiles. “When he lets me.”

Leia laughs. “He used to hate when I’d do his hair.”

“Mom,” Ben rolls his eyes.

“He hated his ears, always wanted them covered, saying they were too big.”

Rey chuckles but Ben’s cheeks blush.

Leia tries to scoot the pizza box out of the way to see them better. It’s been a long time since she’s ordered a pizza but it was nice to share it with them. There’s something else on the table too but she’s not quite sure what it is.

Her focus must draw attention because Ben pulls it closer to him. “This is a doppler machine. We use it to hear the baby but the batteries died,” he explains.

 _The baby._ Hearing the words just makes her smile. 

“How far along are you?” she asks.

“Fifteen weeks,” Rey tells her. “Almost four months.”

“You got an ultrasound photo?” Leia would love to see it. 

Ben’s hand brushes gently over Rey’s back when she shakes her head. “We...We’ve had to be discrete when we were in the city. We still have to be. We’ve got some close doctor friends that stop by and check over her, make sure the baby alright. But we haven’t been able to get an ultrasound yet. They don’t have the equipment and they don’t want to be too obvious about it.”

“So...you’re on the run then?”

Ben shrugs his shoulders. “Sorta. _Laying low._ We…” he looks to Rey before he continues, setting the pizza down. “We left work on frightening circumstances.”

“What’s frighting mean for something that’s already frightening?”

Ben’s head ducks down as he settles his hand in Rey’s. Whatever happened, it seems to have a tremendous effect on her son. 

“The man we worked for discovered that we were married and that I was pregnant…” Rey starts, looking at Ben. “So he slashed Ben’s face and ordered to have me killed.”

Leia doesn’t feel hungry anymore so she sets the pizza down, wondering how the hell they got away from it all. The fact that they’re sitting across from her becomes miraculous for even more reasons. 

“But you got away from him? He’s not chasing after you or something is he?” she asks, worried someone was trying to kill them.

“He’s dead,” Ben says gruffly. 

“You killed him?” Leia asks under her breath, fearing someone could hear them even in the safety of the private room.

Ben’s eyes drift from her over to his wife who had a hand on her belly. Leia looks to Rey in understanding. _She had then_.

The girl looked so young. Nothing like the mysterious and frighting sort of woman she imagined when Ben mentioned this morning he had married his partner. But she looks so sweet, beautiful, and loving just like Ben had said. And yet she seems to be more than capable of taking care of herself. 

Leia wonders if somewhere out there, she’s got a family waiting for her to come home just like she’s been waiting for Ben, or how she got tangled up in that world to begin with. She’s got a charming British accent, adding more and more questions to Leia’s mental list. Questions that she hopes will be answered over a long period of time. Because she hopes they’ll stay.

“Sounds like you two need some serious rest after this mess. You don’t want to be this stressed. You don’t deserve it. You should be busy thinking about this baby.”

They both chuckle but Rey does wipe beneath her eyes. The topic of what happened with their boss must be quite traumatic. 

“And that seems hard to do stuffed up in this motel room.”

Ben shrugs again. “As stuffed up as it is, we’re free for once. It’s worth it.”

“Well...you know I’ve got the house to myself. More than enough room for more. I’ve still got Ben’s crib in the garage. I don’t have the instructions still but you were always handy like your father. I’m sure you could fit out...and you know I’ve kept your room the same. We might need to get a bigger bed but you could make it cozy. You could make it your own and–”

“You mean we could stay?” Ben asks and Leia has to fight down tears as she realizes she’s looking at her son. Her boy that’s been gone for so long. 

“Of course. If you want to. I’d be…” Leia sniffles, trying to find the tissue from her purse. “I’d be honored to be a part of your family.”

Rey passes her a tissue instead and Leia takes it graciously. But when she looks up to Rey, she can see the young woman has tears of her own welling large. “Thank you,” she rasps out.

Leia reaches across the table to cover her hand with her own and then reaching with her other to take hold of Ben’s free hand. 

“Thank _you,_ ” Leia tells them. “Thank you for coming to me. This is...this means the world to me.”

They both give her gentle but tired smiles. They’ve been so worried and Leia hopes she can alleviate some stress for them by giving them a proper home. Pregnant couples were stressed enough they didn’t need to be worrying if someone was coming after them in some random motel or something. 

“Get your stuff. We’re going home.”

* * *

It was surreal to be back home. He had been there that morning but he was tense and not really taking it in for what it was. But as he took their bags upstairs and stepped into the room he had grown up in to find it exactly the same, he feels like he’s in a time warp. 

“Aww, Ben,” Rey coos from beside him where she sees it all for herself. “It’s so cute,” she beams, pointing to the wall where his Bruce Lee and Masters of the Universe posters were still up. Ben sets the bags down with a huff, hitting his head on his spaceship mobile that was still up. 

He reaches for Rey, playfully bringing his hand to her face and covering her eyes. “Sorry, you can’t look at this stuff. Too embarrassing.”

She swats him away. “Why? It’s adorable.”

“It all has to go.”

Rey rolls her eyes at him with a scoff just as his mom steps in with their smaller bags that he told her he was going to carry up because he didn’t want his elderly mother or his pregnant wife to do it but she didn’t listen. 

“I kept it the same, as I told you. I dusted in here at least once a month just to keep it all tidy.”

“Why?”

“Because this…” Leia shrugs, fixing an action figure on the bookshelf. “This was as close as I could get to you and I wanted to take care of it.”

“It’s lovely,” Rey says, moving to sit on the bed. He had transformers sheets on the bed. The very small twin bed that he knows his feet would hang off of, much less accommodate both of them. Leia was right. They’d need to get a new bed. 

“Well, I’ll let you get settled in and then you both should get to bed. You both need to rest.”

Ben smirks. Was she giving them a curfew?

“Your old sleeping bag is in the closet and the couch is always free because I don’t want you two to be squished tonight.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Rey says, looking at the bed as if they could manage it.

Leia looked at him, laughing. “She’s willing to share a twin with you and your massive shoulders. She must really love you,” Leia teases as she reaches up to pinch his cheek. “Goodnight, son.”

“Night, mom,” he smiles, the words sounding foreign but also like a relief. Like it’s all coming back to where he started. She beams at him before moving over to Rey.

“Goodnight, Rey.”

“Goodnight, Leia. Thank you again for everything.”

“Oh, sweetheart. I should be thanking you. You brought my boy back,” Leia says, holding a finger under Rey’s chin and Ben gushes at the look in his wife’s eyes. She looks so content. Never has she experienced something like a mother’s love, even if she already feels it for their child. But to receive even the slight touch and gratitude from his mother, he can see how much it means to Rey. Rey has wanted a family her whole life. 

His mom gives them one last big grin, reminding them about clean towels and toilet paper before she disappears into the hallway.

Ben feels so relieved that this all seemed to work out. And he admits he’s glad to get out of the motel. Rey wasn’t one to complain and he knows it’s because she wasn’t picky when it came to where they stayed. After her childhood and the brisk dorms of Dathomir, she didn’t seem to mind but Ben felt too caged in the small room. Not to mention he’s had multiple nightmares about Rey going into labor in that room and having to give birth in the bathtub that he knows wasn’t _that clean_. He shivers thinking about it.

But he also slightly panics when he looks at her on his bed that he last slept in when he was fourteen and having a jarring visual of her going into labor there instead. There, on his Optimus Prime bedsheets.

They’ll definitely need a bigger bed. 

* * *

“Ben,” Rey tries to get his attention. She can see he’s thinking as he stands in the middle of the room. He turns to look at her finally and she waves him over as she lays down. She’s so tired. And he’s got to be exhausted. He didn’t sleep at all last night he was so nervous. But now things were going to be okay. He didn’t have to worry anymore. At least not about this. 

But Ben was always finding new things to worry about.

“Come here,” she tells him and he does, moving to kneel beside the bed so his face was before hers. She scoots over, patting the bed. A request for him to join. 

He snorts. “Rey, I was too tall for this bed when I was fourteen, I doubt we both–”

“Just for a little while. Until I fall asleep,” she barters and she knows he won’t resist.

He tries to wedge himself beside her and they both laugh when the bed creaks. It holds up just fine as they lay facing each other on their shoulder, huddled close so he doesn’t roll off the bed. 

“I never thought this would happen. Cuddling on my old bed.”

“I like it,” she tells him again. She loved his room. She never had one of her own so maybe she would have a better understanding of Ben’s embarrassment if she had an old bedroom like this. But it’s really adorable.

Ben huffs again, meaning he wants to change the topic and she shows mercy on him, leaving it be.

His hands roam between them to rest on her stomach. The little lines between his brows and on his forehead aren’t there for once and Rey feels like it’s such a sigh of relief. To see him possibly relax after it all. 

She reaches up for his hair, gently pulling out the little clip she used before brushing out the braids with her fingers amused at the waves they leave behind on the top of his head. 

“I hope they have your hair,” she tells him, her fingers still combing through it.

He smiles but it fades too soon. “I hope I don’t scare them.”

“What do you mean?”

He gestures to his face. His scar. 

Her fingers trail down to caress it softly, knowing it was still sensitive. “It won’t.”

His eyes ask the question before he can. Or maybe he’s holding it back, not wanting to argue. But still, it lingers in the air. How would she know?

“They’ll see you like this from the beginning. They won’t know it’s not meant to be there. They’ll just know it’s part of you...and they’ll love you. So don’t worry about that.”

Ben goes very quiet and the little lines return to his forehead. She hoped they’d be gone longer.

“My mom read me a letter I sent her back right after it happened. With my dad.”

“A letter?” She doesn't remember him mentioning that.

“I forgot I wrote it. I was drunk and hysterical. I don’t even remember sending it. But I mentioned in the letter that my dad told me he loved me even after I shot him and I didn’t understand why.”

Rey brushes her thumb over his cheek, hoping he knows she’s not afraid of the scar and that it gives him some sort of comfort. 

“But she told me it’s because he always loved me. Even on the worst days. And that she did too...and that she wanted another chance for us to be a family.”

“She loves you,” Rey reminds him. 

“And I guess...it made me think about it all. About how I’ll be a father and I just...I want them to know that no matter what I’ll love them. Even if they hate me or they find out I was a monster and curse my name...I’d understand. And it would hurt, but no matter what I’ll do whatever I can to protect them. To make sure they don’t end up like me...thinking I was all alone. I want them to know we’ve got them.”

“They won’t hate you, Ben. Don’t convince yourself it’s inevitable. You forget how easy it is for people to love you.”

“What, _you_?” he teases, pretending to sound surprised.

“Shut up,” she grumbles, kissing him once on the lips and then again on his cheek, over his scar he’s so worried about. 

* * *

Ben waits until Rey starts giving her soft little snores and he smiles to himself. He loves that noise. 

Slowly, he eases himself from the bed, ensuring Rey stays where she is before tucking the blankets over her. He moves to kneel beside the bed, resting his chin on the edge. He watched the rise and fall of her breathing, relieved at how steady and relaxed she is. He tries to imagine the baby’s heartbeat. It was always quick, but the books and Jyn said that’s normal. 

He stays there for a long while, just watching over her. He’s tired but he doubts he could sleep right now. His mind is too busy.

So maybe he’s paranoid but when he hears something from downstairs, like the backslider opening, he jumps to his feet. He grabs his gun from one of the bags and takes one last look at Rey on the bed before slipping out. 

He moves cautiously down until he sees the kitchen light is on and he realizes that his mom might actually be the one downstairs, confirmed a moment later when he sees the shape of her out on the back patio through the slider doors.

He sighs at himself, tucking the gun into the waistband of his pants before stepping forward to see what she was doing.

She doesn’t seem too surprised to see him but he’s fairly surprised to see her sitting in the deck chair, _smoking._

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“Thought I heard something. I was just checking, I’ll leave you be.”

“No, it’s alright. Join me,” she says, patting the chair beside her. 

He sits beside her, hoping there weren’t any spiders on the seat. “I didn’t know you smoked,” he says, looking up at the night sky. 

Leia snorts. “I don’t. At least I won’t after tonight. This is my last one.”

“Because we’re here?”

“I don’t want to smoke around Rey or the baby. I’ve been needing a reason to quit.”

Ben nods in understanding.

“You ever pick it up?” Leia asks.

“I used to. I quit a while ago.”

“Good,” Leia sounds relieved. 

Ben nods before looking back at her. He can see she’s taken out her braids and there are gentle waves in her hair. Like the ones Rey was playing with in his own. 

“She’s lovely, Ben,” his mom says suddenly. “Beautiful, charming...British?” she inquires.

Ben nods with a smile. 

“Hard to believe she was involved in all that business.”

“She shouldn’t have been,” Ben says sadly.

“Where does she come from?”

Ben sighs. His wife's past hurts to think about. He knows how much it affects her. And he knows it's why she got worried before she met Leia earlier that evening. She's afraid of being rejected by a family she's waited for. But that won't happen again.

“Her parents were addicts. She was pretty much on her own, trying to survive and when they were gone she was on the streets...she was five years old.”

His mom looks at him with wide eyes, shocked. 

“And then she got picked up in an alley by someone that took her to a school. A school where they specialize in training people to become...well, _assassins._ ”

“Shit,” Leia says under her breath. “You wouldn’t think by looking at her.”

Leia is right. Rey never fit into that dark underworld. She was too bright. The only way you can tell is if you see Rey in action or if you see the horrible brand on the back of her neck.

“So, she was partnered with you? That’s how you met?”

Ben nods. “She was finishing at school and she was signed on to join the First Order. She was suspected of conspiring against our boss before she was brought on so he assigned me to be her partner and eliminate her before she had a chance to kill him...which of course, she did in the end but it didn’t go the way he thought. None of it,” Ben could almost laugh. Snoke paired him up with Rey to keep her from killing him and in the end, she did anyway.

“She’s just got out of school?”

“Yeah.”

“How old is she? She looks so young.”

“She’s twenty,” Ben answers, thinking back to her birthday. It wasn’t too long ago but it felt like ages ago.

“ _Twenty_ ,” Leia repeats and he knows she’s thinking about the fact that he’s twenty-nine, nearly thirty. But his parents had over ten years between them so she knows not to bring it up. “She’s a baby.”

“She’s more grown-up than I am,” Ben tells her.

Leia laughs and it eases the air a little. 

“Can I ask you a question?”

Ben nods.

“Are you her first?”

Ben is a little thrown off by the question, wondering if she would ask that if Rey wasn’t pregnant but he just nods. “And she was mine.”

Leia’s eyebrows quirk up a bit as if she’s honestly surprised. He hopes this conversation moves on. It’s weird to talk about it with his mother.

“Well, you know, first loves are powerful. I was just sixteen when–”

“Mom,” he says shaking his head. He doesn't want to hear about what his mom did as a teenager. “This isn’t some fleeting thing. I know I sound naive but I–”

“You don’t, Ben...at all. You both seem so devoted. I can tell just by how you eat pizza next to each other,” she chuckles. 

Ben leans his head back, looking back at the sky. There are more stars out here than in the city. “Rey is unlike anyone I’ve ever met. When I’m with her it’s us. And before she was my wife or my girlfriend...” Ben smirks. That word sounds funny. He never got to use it. “...She was my friend. I trusted her more than anyone. More than myself.”

Leia doesn’t say anything but he knows she’s listening.

“And you know, the first time I realized I loved her, I thought the same thing. I thought, you know, it’s so new and comforting to have someone close. It was so easy to fall in love with her because she’s just... _she’s Rey._ You noticed it instantly too,” he says glancing at her and she nods in agreement.

“So I thought perhaps it was just that. I thought it’d fade and I’d get used to it and I could adjust to us just being friends and partners. But it just got stronger and I knew it wasn’t just because I was lonely. It wouldn’t have been just anyone. It’s _her_. She’s everything to me. Her and now the baby.”

“I’m happy for you, Ben. I can’t tell you how much.”

“Thanks, mom.”

“It’s so surreal. I’ve been alone for so long but I got my son, a daughter-in-law and a grandbaby in the same day. It feels like a dream.”

“I know the feeling,” Ben smirks.

“You know, I’ve got that spare room upstairs. I tried to use it as an office but I never get much done in there. We could make it a nursery.”

“Really?” Leia nods. “Rey would love that.”

“And, if I get your permission, I’d like to call Lando.”

“Lando?” Ben hasn’t heard that name in years. “Does he knows about...well, dad and me?”

Leia nods. “He used to read over that letter with me...he and I used to talk about it and he always said that we all should have been there for you. I know if he saw you again he’d want to make sure you feel at home. He's really the only that knows about our past and is still in contact with me.”

Ben finds himself nodding. “We have to lay low and we’re going to be cautious about everything but I trust you and if you think Lando will know how to deal with that then yeah, that’d be cool.”

“‘That’d be cool,’” Leia chuckles. “Oh, Ben. I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too, mom.”

When she's finished with her cigarette and stands back up to go to bed, they head back inside, back upstairs. Ben is trying to decide if he'll sleep on the floor or if he'll cave for the couch but before he does, his mom turns to him one final time. "Oh, one last thing..." she says with a smirk, turning around and urging him to turn back around. She steps around him and he follows her through the house. As he walks through the living room he sees that there are some old photos of him hanging up on the walls that he hadn't noticed this morning. He smiles to himself as his mother guides him to the garage.

She opens the door and she practically pushes him in as she turns the light on, illuminating the automobile in the center of the garage. 

Dad's Falcon. 

Ben feels physically affected just by looking at it. It was so closely associated with his father. it was practically a part of him. To see it now nearly brings tears to his eyes. 

"He left it to you. It's yours."

"Really?"

Leia nods. "It's been sitting here for years though. Lando says it needs some serious work but I take it, it might be a project you might like...not to mention it's in better shape than that crap pile you're driving around currently."

Ben scoffs but his mom is already pointing over to another corner. "Oh and your old crib is in pieces over there."

"Thanks, mom."

"Of course."

"No, I mean, for everything. _For this._ For letting us come here. I've been so worried about finding us a place to just to feel safe."

Leia smiles, stepping closer to him until she opens her arms and hugs him again. "I'm glad you feel safe here. You're my son and I'm so glad you're home...I love you."

"I love you too, mom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just like to imagine Ben with braided hair stepping back into his childhood bedroom with his wife, being embarrassed about his toys while Rey is just amazed by it.
> 
> maybe this was kinda 'meh' but still, I hoped seeing Ben and his mom was somewhat of a relief after all this nonsense.
> 
> Thank you for reading<3!!


	29. Kanjiklub

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>   
>  Benny boi goes FERAL. So uhh...GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF VIOLENCE I guess. 
> 
> I barely even proofread this but I'm posting it anyway. I must be living on the edge as they call it.

She wakes to the press of his lips against her neck. He does that every morning. 

She rolls over to face Ben. She can't remember what day it is or if they have to get up right now but she feels like she could lay here forever. She snuggles close to him until she hears him make an odd noise and she opens her eyes, finding his. He looks upset. Like he could cry.

Rey puts her hands on either side of his face. “What’s wrong?” she asks but her voice comes so softly. More so than she expected.

“Please...please come back.”

Rey frowns, confused. “I’m here,” she assures him, “I’m with you.” 

He doesn't seem to hear her and her assurances do nothing. “Wake up for me.”

Rey doesn’t understand. “I’m _awake_ ,” she tells him, pressing kisses on his face. “My eyes are open.”

The longer she touches him, kisses him, the less she feels and she pulls away to look at him. She doesn’t know why he feels so far away when he was in her arms. 

Tears roll down the bridge of his nose as he cries. _Why was he crying?_

“It should have been me,” he tells her but it's strange. He's right here but his voice sounded like he was on the other side of the room.

Her stomach turns then as she feels such dread wash over her. It’s been so long since she’s heard him so scared. “Ben?”

 _What's happening?_ she tries to say next but her words don't come. She can't speak.

“I don’t think I can do this without you.”

Rey starts to truly panic now. His words sound further and further away the more he talks. Like she’s underwater and her ears muddle everything. 

“Please, sweetheart,” he says but it’s even harder to make out this time, and then she winces, curling into herself. That unease in her stomach turns to pain. And when she looks down she sees blood pooling on the sheets.

She gasps, horrified at what she sees. She’s wearing one of her black dresses, the one she wore on Mae’s field trip to the gallery. Not her nightgown. 

When she sobs out, looking back to Ben, he’s not there anymore. In fact, she’s not even in their room. She’s on the kitchen floor and it’s dark. It’s so dark. And cold. 

And then it all goes black.

* * *

“Can I call daddy t’say ‘g’night?” Mae asks her softly, holding her drawing she made tenderly to her heart. She had colored after dinner after Lando suggests she make some cards for mom. 

Lydia nods. “You have to get your jammies on and brush your teeth and then I can call him again.”

That seems to spur Mae forward to race up the stairs and do just that so she can call their dad. Lydia doesn’t have the energy to do the same as she stays on the couch.

“Lyds?” 

Lydia looks up to see Lando looking down at her. “Yeah?”

“You look a little dazed. You feeling alright?”

She just shrugs because if she answers, even if she lies, she’ll probably start crying. Lando seems to read between the lines because he sits down beside her. 

Theo is on the other end of the couch. He’s dead asleep and has his headphones on. Music helped him relax. 

“I know nothing is okay right now. I know it seems silly that I would even ask but you still gotta look after yourself. You hardly ate any of your dinner and you look exhausted, sweetheart.”

“I just wasn’t that hungry,” she tells him. That was true. She was distracted, thinking of when she could be able to read the letter that was still in her pocket. 

“You know, your dad is gonna be home real soon and then you’ll be able to visit your mom again. I know it’s all really hard right now but we’re all gonna get through it together.”

Lydia nods, knowing he was probably right and that all of this would very hopefully end up fine and mom would wake up soon and it’s just all way too confusing right now because so much is going on.

But suppose dad didn’t make it back. Did Lando know what dad really was? Both her parents for that matter.

And even then, there’s always a chance mom might never wake up. 

“I’m just scared,” Lydia tells him but her voice breaks, and instantly Lando pulls her into a hug.

“I know you are. But you’re doing real good. Your mom and dad would be so proud of you, you know. The way you look after your brother and sister. I sure as hell am proud of you.”

“Thanks, Lando,” Lydia sniffles. 

“Lydie, where is the ‘toofpaste’?” Mae’s little voice calls down from upstairs.

Lydia laughs, wiping her eyes as she gets up from the couch to go help her sister.

“Hey,” Lando calls before she leaves the living room.

“Yeah?”

“Your parents have done some pretty impossible things. This will all just be added to the list of things they’ve overcome. You come from a resilient line of extraordinary people, kid. It’ll all work out.”

Lydia nods, unsure what to say but Lando but just gets up and heads back towards the kitchen. As Lydia ascends the stairs, she suspects her earlier thoughts were true. Lando seemed to know about her parents’ past. But he didn’t seem to realize that she was in some respect aware of it or she doubts he would have brought it up like that. 

She knows he's right, at least. That her parents were resilient. She knows nothing would stop either of them from coming back.

She stuffs her hand back in her jacket, mom’s jacket, and feels the letter she found in Leia’s room.

* * *

Ben forgets how restraining his work clothes used to be. Especially with the goddamn bulletproof vest underneath. But it’s all necessary, he reminds himself as he stands in the shadows, just about three-hundred feet away from Kanjiklub’s main entrance. 

He remembers how he used to do this kind of shit every fucking day. He remembers how he used to almost zone out and think about what he’ll have for dinner it was all so routine. But now he’s just seething with rage. 

Because before it was all just contracts. Business. All the assholes he went after were of no consequence to him.

But now it’s so overwhelmingly personal and it angers him so much that he has to remind himself to breathe and focus. He had to stay strong. Because if going through the crew at his house hadn’t made it official, this certainly would. 

He knows killing Eldridge will ensure that he has to face Armitage but at this point, they are all fucking responsible. And if Rey doesn’t wake up or if he loses her for good...then killing them now would practically be merciful.

He wanders around the side of the building. There’s always a back entrance. He sees a heavyset guard, taller than himself standing outside. 

That was his way in.

Unfortunately, the guard was a little too big to be moved if he was dead or missed even if he was left lying in the shadows. But this was his way in. He had to think of something. He’ll kill him anyway and have to leave him in hopes that it will go unnoticed until his business inside was done.

Nevertheless, Ben finds himself pressing the barrel of his gun to the back of the man’s head, revealing his presence from where he had slipped in through the shadows.

The guard stiffens, turning his head slightly.

“Is that you, Mr. Ren?” the man asks with a thick Russian accent.

Ben squints. “You know me?”

“Only through reputation.”

“Then you know why I’m here.” The man has no answer to this. “I’m here for Hux and this is my way in. So you can either walk away or be the first of the body count...your choice.”

“Is it true?”

“Is what true?” Ben grits out, growing impatient.

“They say Eldridge killed Kira Ren...possibly your son too.”

Ben’s jaw clicks under his rage, hearing that these rumors have become common gossip among this world. Ben’s silence must give the man the answer he needs, even if it wasn’t completely true.

He takes his headset out of his ear, still mostly facing away from him. “I’ll leave you to it, sir.”

“Thank you,” Ben says, watching as the large man lumbers away

With the door free, Ben slips inside.

* * *

Eldridge was in the jacuzzi with three girls and Gregori. As nice as it was to be in Knajiklub for the foreseeable future, the guards his dad ordered have been really weighing him down and it’s impossible to go five fucking minutes without one of them coming to check on him.

Brooks, the head of the crew that’s babysitting him, saunters over once again to lecture him.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough playtime?” the man asks him with a scowl.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re so worried about. You’re the one securing the place and it’s fine.”

“As long as you believe that.”

Eldridge swallows, forging a passive expression before he smirks and throws it back at him. “You scared of the fucking boogeyman? I’m not!” He enunciates with his bottle.

“No?” Brooks kneels down, grabbing the throat of it and snatching it out of his hand. “But you should be.”

He gets up and leaves and Eldridge stands there half-submerged in the water. He turns to see the girls and Gregori looking at him curiously and enraged by the possible judgment, Eldridge splashes the water.

“Get me another bottle,” he snaps to him. “Right fucking now, get me another bottle!”

Gregori sighs as he untangles himself from the girl’s arms before stepping out of the small pool.

“And find out where the fuck Viktor is!” he shouts.

Viktor was picking up ‘party favors’ before he came and after all this bullshit Eldridge just wanted to fucking party. 

Besides, Brooks hates his father just because he wasn’t the head of shit so no matter what he’s always bitter. It wasn’t his fucking problem.

* * *

Ben tries to get his bearings as to what halls lead where. He curses to himself as he finds it’s quite dark but the light that is on seems to be purple. The music from the club upstairs was muffled but still loud as well as the pounding of what must have been the dancefloor. 

He thinks to go up the stairs, wondering if that’s where Eldridge is, but he ducks behind a corner as he sees two men laughing and making their way down. 

Ben squints, his eyes battling against the odd lighting to get a good look at them. He thinks back to the video from the beach he had watched on his phone earlier where Rey told him his eyes were getting old. He honestly loves when she teases him.

But he dismisses those thoughts as soon as he can hear the two men talking over the music.

“Why are there so many guards tonight?” one man asks.

The second man speaks with a Russian accent. “Ahh, Eldridge’s dad upped security after that _incident_ the other night."

_Eldridge._

“Oh right. You were with him, huh?”

Ben lingers around the corner to catch sight of the two men, particularly the one who he now knows was one of the men with Eldridge to break into his home. As he squints his eyes, his heart pounds louder as he recognizes him as the man that came into the shop and asked for condoms and cigarettes.

The man shrugs as they descend the next staircase and Ben follows at a cautionary distance. Close enough to keep tabs on their conversation.

“So what happened, Viktor? Why is everyone so on edge over a car?”

 _Viktor,_ Ben notes to himself. His name is Viktor. _He was in his house._

“Turns out it belonged to some asshole who used to work with his dad or something. I don’t know. Eldridge told me he’d explain when I got here." 

They make their way to the locker room and Ben hangs back.

“Still, you guys got a '77 Falcon out of it. That's some rare shit.”

Viktor scoffs. “Eldridge stashed it someplace after his dad freaked. It doesn't matter. He’ll never let me drive it anyway. He’s the one that saw it first at that filthy gas station. Tried to buy it off the bitch but when she gave him shit he made a change of plans.”

This was news to Ben although he recalls hearing Rey speaking to someone at the gas station when he was in the shop with Mae. By the time he made it outside, he could tell she was mad about something but he quickly got distracted by reading the email from Lydia’s teacher. 

He realizes now that Eldridge must have tried to hassle Rey about the car and she told him it wasn’t for sale. It makes him seethe as he watches them disappear into the locker room that was being watched by another guard. 

Ben needs to stay quiet until he gets to the bathhouse and can take Eldridge out so he reaches for his knife instead.

* * *

Viktor steps over to the sinks after he’s clad in his robe and his suit is hanging in his locker while Stefan is still changing behind him. He hums to himself as he takes a moment to do some finishing touches with the assistance from the toiletry bag he keeps here.

The door creaks and Viktor glances over, hearing it faintly over the running water of the sink, but there’s no one there. But Viktor is more focused on flossing his teeth as he hopes that Eldridge was at least going to share his company this evening as usual, he had at least a few girls he gets to join him in the bathhouse and since he’s basically living here at the moment, Viktor hopes this can work to his advantage. 

The guards seem on edge and they expect him to be worried about the Ron man or whatever his name is but as far as Viktor is concerned, they were untouchable. It wasn’t his problem. 

That is until he looks back p to the mirror and he sees a bloodstain on the locker behind him where Stefan was standing just a second ago.

Viktor spins around in a panic but before he can do anything he’s punched in the face and he staggers back against the counter. He catches himself enough to not fall to the ground but he can feel blood running from his nose into his mouth.

“Where’s Eldridge,” a deep and ominous voice says and Viktor looks up to see a tall and dark figure with an intense scowl. Viktor has never seen anyone have such a look in their eyes before. It’s chilling. But Viktor steels himself, gritting his teeth. 

“Fuck you, asshole,” he mutters out before he takes a swing of his own. But the man blocks it and gives a powerful kick right to his groin and Viktor’s legs fail him as he groans in pain.

The man catches him before he collapses to the floor, pulling him up by the collar of the robe, yanking on the material until he’s choking him with the belt that he’s wrapped around his neck. 

“Where the fuck is Eldridge?” the man roars out, his voice even more grave this time as he pulls tighter and tighter until Viktor chokes out with an answer. His only instinct so that he could breathe again. 

“Bathhouse. D-Downstairs.”

But his honesty shows no relief as the belt only gets tighter.

* * *

“You stole my car,” Ben spins him around to punch him in the face. “Threatened my son,” Ben grits out, smashing his face against the counter before pulling him back up to look him in the eye. “And shot my wife.”

“Eldridge shot–”

“You’re just as responsible,” Ben mutters over his excuses before shoving him back down until his face is submerged into the sink full of water and Ben holds him down as he struggles, trying to pull up for air. 

Viktor curses his name, his words gurgled beneath the water and Ben’s patience wanes out, quickly shifting his elbow where it digs into the man’s neck until he hears a distinctive crack and the man’s flailing cease and Ben releases him so his body slumps to the floor. 

Ben stands there for a moment taking a deep breath as he gathers himself, knowing what comes next. He catches himself in the mirror's reflection and his stomach drops as he knows he’s looking at Kylo Ren. Not Ben Solo. 

Unfortunately, that’s who he has to be. 

Ben steps out of the locker room, looking to find the next set of stairs that will take him to the bathhouse where Eldridge must be. There’s more muffled music from behind the walls as he gets closer. It’s slower and moodier than the house music they were playing upstairs and Ben realizes the kind of atmosphere this place would have.

He steps over to a series of windows that overlook the bathhouse. That same dim but blue and purple lighting is the only light available, giving him a favorable amount of cover in his black suit as he hides behind curtains. He looks on at all the various sized pools and baths adorned with scantily clad people drinking and partying.

But even under the odd lighting, Ben can see the young man standing half-submerged in water in the far corner with vibrant ginger hair.

_Eldridge._

Women were fawning over him and he had a smug look on his face.

Ben wants to crash through the glass and confront him now, but he knows that’s unwise so he continues forward, at least now knowing where his target was and that his presence has still gone unnoticed. He had to keep that advantage as long as possible because along with Eldridge’s presence, he can see how there are at least two _visible_ guards. All had earpieces and poker faces. At least they seemed to understand the threat that awaited them in some sense because Armitage always knew what he was capable of. It’s why he sent the crew to his house in an attempt to kill him quickly but they didn’t succeed.

Ben sees another guard patrolling the next door ahead and he knows from here on out, so close to Eldridge, it was going to be busy. So he grips his knife once more and stalks forward, reminding himself that they brought this upon themselves. There’s a reason he’s here. There’s a reason he’s not at home with his family.

The guard’s eyes flash wide in recognition, simultaneously reaching for his gun and his earpiece to spread the news but Ben is quicker as he strikes him once and the man goes face-first against the glass, thankfully not breaking it as he slides down in blood.

Ben tries to keep his breathing calm as he can hear the chatter of another not far ahead. 

“No sign of him, yet.”

Ben holds back around the corner, waiting for the guard to emerge before Ben grabs him, covering his mouth so he can’t be heard as he shoves him against the wall...and the knife under his chin.

The man’s eyes stay open as life floods out of him and Ben doesn’t dare look away as the man slumps down. He hopes the man can see the fury and pain in his eyes. He hopes the man knows that he gave his life to protect a man that has threatened and broken his family all for the sake of stealing a car. 

Ben rises once more, stepping forward, closer towards the bathhouse yet still in the dim shadows. But he drifts closer to a series of shelves that are stocked with towels but sparsely enough so that Ben can see, even closer to Eldridge as he sits in that pool, a girl on his arm and one on his lap.

Ben thinks back to what Theo had said. How these men were so scary and how they hit Rey and pointed a gun at him. They were cruel and willing to threaten a child and his mother if it meant they got a car out of it. But looking at Eldridge now, Ben can see he’s just a fool that knows he can take what he wants because he’s just a spoiled fucking brat.

But then suddenly, his inner jacket pocket vibrates and Ben jolts, realizing he didn’t turn his phone off and he quickly reaches for it to do so when he sees it’s a call from Lydia. The photo of her at the science fair appears on the screen. But he knows he can’t answer as he tries to get it to shut off. But before he can the doors fly open.

“He’s here!” he calls out in Russian, reaching for his gun but Ben moves to stop him, his phone clattering to the ground as he attempts to strike the man with his knife as he had done to the others but he blocks it. 

And when Ben thinks he has the advantage, finally knocking the gun from his hands, he strikes through the air with his knife but the man ducks and grabs hold of his legs before charging him against the shelves of towels, sending them both to the ground in the middle of the bathhouse.

People scream as they see them fight and Ben can already hear the other guards shout to each other as they realize he’s inside. 

But he’s preoccupied with the man who is still trying to kill him. Ben pushes to get to his feet and even though his back is probably shattered he ignores it to block the incoming blows with his arms before trying once again to strike the man with the knife, succeeding at last when he winces slightly and caves in a bit, enough for Ben to get the window he needs to throw him over his shoulder and send him to the ground. He tries to get up but Ben keeps him down, finally reaching for his gun now that the other guards were trying to race through the guests in swimsuits to get to him. 

Ben fires three times on an approaching guard. More than he needs to but his eyes struggling in this lighting and he’s relieved when the man timbers into the pool with a splash.

He aims next towards Eldridge who is now looking at him directly. 

It’s as if time stops and Ben finally sees the face of the man who shot his wife. The man that Theo told him about while he sobbed into his shoulder. 

It extracts him from the moment and Ben forgets about the man still struggling to get free. The man that tackled him through the shelves. So, keeping his gaze locked with the young Hux as he starts to finally look nervous, Ben shoots the man he was still holding down before he rises, ready to stalk forward and end this quickly. 

Eldridge rises from the water white as a ghost and Ben aims, ready to fire...but then a hand grips his wrist, pushing his arm up just as he fires and the bullet hits the ceiling instead. 

A large, muscular man, clad in a tight speedo, blocks his path. He’s bigger and stronger than Ben is so, thinking fast, he strikes his knife into the man’s shoulder but it seems to have little immediate effect as his strength is still overpowering and Ben is too focused on Eldridge over the man’s shoulder as he sprints to flee the bathhouse.

He won’t let him get away.

Ben, as a last resort, stomps on the man’s bare feet and that seems to give him enough leeway to free his wrist and fire on the man until he falls back into the water with a loud splash.

He squints, trying to keep track of Eldridge as he fires once more, regretfully missing but unable to fire once he sees the man had snagged the waist of a young girl to use as a shield as he makes the race for the steps in the back corner.

Ben curses under his breath as he reaches for his other gun at his belt as the chase begins.

* * *

Mae looks so disappointed when it goes to voicemail and she starts to realize, just as Lydia had, that they probably wouldn’t hear from him again that evening. 

“Can I call again?”

“I think we should wait until he calls us, Maeby. He might be busy.”

“Can you send him my _‘picsure_?’” Mae asks softly, passing her phone back as she reaches for the drawing beside her on the bed. 

“Yeah,” Lydia promises her. “I’ll take a picture of it and text it to him. Sound good?”

Mae nods but she doesn't look near as excited as she did when she initially asked to call dad. 

Lydia sets it under the lamp and snaps a half-decent photo of it, knowing no matter what dad would love it. This one had all of them together and mom awake in her hospital bed with a smile. Lydia had helped her spell out, _Get Well Soon._ She made it to hang up in mom’s hospital room. “He’ll love it, Maeby. So will mom,” Lydia tells her. 

Mae takes it back when Lydia is done and she shoves it under her pillow. Mae doesn’t offer an explanation and Lydia doesn’t ask, letting Mae lay back down.

“Do you think he’ll be back tomorrow?” Mae asks, trying to snuggle into the blankets. 

“Maybe, Maeby,” Lydia says but Mae hardly manages a smile this time as she sinks closer to the pillows. “I love you,” Lydia tells her, hoping that would be comforting to her at least.

“I love you, Lydie,” Mae tells her. 

“Try to sleep, okay?”

“You’re gonna stay?” Mae asks, a little panicked, frightened she was going to leave her alone. 

“I’m staying,” Lydia promises. At least until Mae fell asleep.

Mae nods, sitting up to take off the implants and Lydia plugs them in on the bedside table. Lydia gets up to flip the switch on the little star-shaped nightlight that her sister can’t sleep without. She moves back to sit beside Mae as she snuggles into the pillows. All the while, Lydia fiddles with the corner of the letter in her pocket. 

She’ll wait until Maeby is asleep before she reads it.

* * *

Eldridge runs as fast as he can but he’s slipping over his own feet that were still a little wet. He barges through the crowds of people on the dancefloor, gripping the towel around his waist. He looks over his shoulder to see if he’s coming and sure enough he sees the tall figure amongst the crowd, illuminated by the strobing lights.

_Kylo Ren. Baba Yaga._

Maybe his father wasn’t exaggerating. 

* * *

Ben’s eyes scan through the club, looking for where the man has gone. He sees the path where he’s gone because it’s the only place on the dancefloor left and the people that do slip in the trail of water.

The music is pounding and Ben looks out at the sea of people.

Suddenly, he’s struck with another memory. A night where he followed Rey onto a dancefloor. A night where he held her close as she taught him to blend in and he got so lost in it all he told her he loved her and by some miracle, she heard him. 

By an even bigger miracle, she loved him too. That was the night that his life changed for good. The night he and Rey became more than just partners or friends with confused feelings. 

That night was _everything._

And now, here he was, alone again as he stalks through a nightclub to chase after Hux’s son. Because Eldridge tried to take _everything_ from him.

He knows there are more guards behind him because as he rushed up the stairs bullets were hitting the glass of the railings so he had to move quick. 

And then he sees the redhead pop-up and squirms like a fish as he points emphatically in his direction as he runs for more stairs.

More stairs. Ben’s knees would scream if they could.

But then Ben sees more guards charging through the crowd for him. Two. Ben tries to push people out of the way, to keep them from getting in the middle of it all. He fires once and the first man hits the floor. The second he shoots three times before he hears the other man get up and he shoots once more until he falls back to the floor. 

Those that have seen or heard the gunshots start to flee the dancefloor but there are plenty that seemed to have missed it as the music is still blaring. 

People can’t hear the gunshots but Rey still heard him say _‘I love you’_ that night in Rome _._

_Fucking focus!!_

* * *

Eldridge trips up the stairs but scrambles to keep moving. He shoves past anyone that gets in his way because some people have yet to notice there’s a homicidal maniac chasing him like it’s the fucking Terminator. 

“Move!” he shouts. “Get out of the fucking way!” Eldridge screams as he tries to get to Brooks’s men as they start to realize what’s going on. “He’s here! He’s fucking here, he’s coming!” Eldridge points back to the door with his own gun. “Fucking get him!”

They file past him just as Kylo appears in the doorway, already firing, the guards already falling. Everyone screams but Eldridge keeps running, knowing he needs to find a way out of this place.

* * *

Everyone knows he’s here now. 

He feels like he did at the house as it goes like it always did. Like he’s never been out of practice and this is just some regular Monday.

There were eight down just in the hallway alone but they didn’t give him much trouble considering. 

Of course, the second he steps out of the hallway onto another balcony, another guard comes charging. Ben shoots him once before knicking him to the ground when he hears shots fire at his back. He spins around to shoot through through the railings before he shoots one final time to the man on the ground. 

Every time he spins around, stepping forward, people scream and scatter as they run for their lives and ben hopes none of them are filming with their fucking phones, and if they are it’s too dark to make out his face because if it ended up on the news the kids might see it.

And he really hates that it took this long to consider that. But it’s too late to go back now. Now he has to just finish this.

He continues on into the next room, reloading his gun and nearly gasping out as he sees the flash of Eldridge across the club, trying to run in his towel. Ben races after him. Too shaky to shoot and not hit bystanders, But as Eldridge charges into the kitchens, yet another guard emerges from the shadows.

And he’s got a fucking rifle. Ben ducks behind one of the dividers, decorative beads hitting him in the face.

“Fucking–” Ben growls, swatting them out of the way to try and see where the guy was. Ben sees him charging for him and Ben reaches for a bottle from a vacant table, smashing it into his head. Seizing the opportunity, Ben snags him by the tie and drags him over to a table to smash his head against the wood before he fires twice into his temple. 

But as always there’s more. However, this time as Ben spins around, the two shots fired strike him in the torso and he crashes back against the floor. Quickly, Ben gets his chin up as well as he can to fire and at least manage to get one of them but he knows there’s another man there. He fires several rounds but then the clip’s empty and he growls, trying to get back to his feet as he knows he didn’t get him...and that since he was the only bastard within the last thirty to shoot him, he had a problem. 

Ben brings a hand to his chest, ensuring they hit the kevlar and not his skin even though it still hurt like hell. He hides back against another divider, groaning in pain and also relief to see he hasn’t been shot but steeles himself to focus as he reaches for another clip to reload his gun. But he doesn’t have any more he realizes and before he can think to reach for the small pistol he keeps at his back, the barrel of a different gun enters his peripherals and Ben lunges to grab the man’s arms.

He fires twice into the floor as Ben tries to pull the man to the floor, managing to more or less toss him over his shoulder but Ben tumbles down with him, trying to keep the upper hand and wedge the gun out of his grip. He finally does but then he feels his head get tugged back by his hair and he’s soon enough being tumbled over and shoved but he tries to get to his feet to face his opponent. But as soon as he’s up he gets a fierce kick to the stomach, sending him back to the ground again.

He reminds himself that he hasn’t beaten Rey in sparring for weeks when he finds himself getting so winded and it takes a lot to get his body to bounce back up again. But he does. He has to, he reminds himself.

There’s another kick aimed for his face but Ben blocks it, as well as the next one that was headed for his stomach again. But this guy is strong, about his height, and quite possibly younger. Which leaves Ben occupied trying to block more blows than he can reciprocate, and even still he misses some and gets punched twice in the face before he’s grabbed again and inevitably thrown to the floor once more.

_Get up!_

This time he tries to imagine it in Rey’s voice and it is at least effective in getting him back to his feet quicker. He surges forward before the next kick or punch can do any more damage, ramming the guy back into the railing of the balcony, thinking he’s for a split second got the advantage but then a wine bottle hits him on the side of the head.

Ben’s hands instinctively loosen and the man takes what’s left of the bottle, driving it as if it were a blade into his side. Ben growls in pain, especially when he twists it and he knows for certain this hit skin. 

By that point, it all becomes just a fight to keep his hands up to block the incoming blows. 

_Either block out the pain or use it to keep going._

He used to do that sometimes, back when he had nothing, the pain was his only true motivator and he would occasionally welcome wounds if they gave him new incentive to finish what he started. But as some things come back easier than he thought, that does not. Because now he has different motivators.

Specifically, four of them, and his mind flashes with all of their faces as he reminds himself of his promise to return. So nothing can happen to him. Because he promised.

However, that seems to have little effect on his current opponent as Ben is picked up onto the man’s shoulders before he’s tossed over the balcony and he finds himself crashing hard against the dancefloor with a loud thud.

“Fuck,” he groans, looking up to see the man’s face looking smug and Ben recalls the small gun at his back so he reaches for it and fires up but he only hits glass as the man retreats and disappears and by then the small gun is already empty. 

The music has finally stopped playing and Ben thinks he can hear sirens. So he knows, regardless that Eldridge was still alive, he wasn’t done. But he had to get out of here. 

_Fuck!_

* * *

Phasma arrived at the club when the commotion had passed but she takes the supposed path that Kylo had taken, starting in the bathhouse. 

She is all too pleased with herself when she finds something of use to her lying on the ground, not far from some shattered remains of a shelf and a dead man.

_A phone._

Not just any phone but Kylo’s. She knows because the screen saver has a photo of Rey, looking more mature and more womanly than Phasma remembers as she smiles. There's a young girl with black hair sitting beside her.

It gets more interesting when there’s a missed call from _Lydia_ as well as a message from her as well.

Phasma slides the phone in her pocket, knowing she will have to inspect this further to get what she needs off of it. 

She spent her day thinking of options as one like this wasn’t going to come again and she needed to proceed with caution, precision.

Many have tried to eradicate the infamous dyad and with them vulnerable and apart, such an opportunity needed to be seized.

But first things first, Phasma needs to figure out if Kira was still alive or not.

She steps back outside, ignoring the screaming from upstairs, and steps back out into the alley when she sees a young man with a towel around his waist hiding behind a dumpster and shivering. 

As she sees the distinctive hair, she rolls her eyes. She really was the last competent one left in this city. 

She can only hope that Eldridge has enough disdain for his father to listen to her. If she’s learned anything about this business, it’s that you don’t underestimate how many daddy issues people have.

* * *

“Eldridge.”

The young Hux squeaks as he spins around, pointing his gun with shaky hands to see a tall woman with platinum blonde hair and a smirk. Thankfully not the man chasing him but it’s still a shock.

“Wh-What do you–”

“ _F_ _ifty-foot bitch?_ Remember?”

“Phasma? What the fuck are you doing–”

“Your father hired me.”

Eldridge sighs in relief. 

“Then get me the fuck out of here. A fucking maniac is after me,” he says, looking back to the front of the club to see if he was coming. He’s never seen anything like what happened inside. It was fucking insane.

“So you’re scared then?”

“No,” Eldridge quickly denies.

“Need daddy to solve all your problems?” she teases as he follows her further down the alley.

“I can fucking handle myself.”

“Of course you can," she jokes, gesturing to him as he's standing in a dirty cold alley in nothing but a towel and his swim shorts.

“I didn’t think he’d actually come,” Eldridge tries to defend himself.

“Well, now that he has, I say you have a choice to make. Do you want to play Rapunzel or do you want to learn to be fucking useful for once?”

Eldridge looks at her, hating that he feels called out because he doesn't want to think about any of this bullshit. "Fucking useful," he grumbles.

“You good with tech?”

Eldridge nods and she passes him a phone. “Then unlock this for me while I drive.”

Eldridge takes it and looks to see the woman from the house smiling on the screen with a different kid than the boy the other night. Kira. Dad said her name was Kira.

“This is his phone?”

“Wow, he catches on so fast.”

“My dad hired you to kill Kylo. What’s all this runaround shit for? Get the fuck in there and kill him!” Eldridge points back to the club. 

“Your father makes lots of mistakes, did you know that?”

Eldridge scoff. “Of course I know that. I’m one of them.” That still doesn't explain anything.

Still, Phasma chuckles. “Then fucking trust me and maybe you’ll be more useful than he is.”

* * *

It’s so dark. So cold. For a long time Rey thinks everything is black but the longer she stays, she starts to see the kitchen again.

She’s on the floor. The pain isn’t as bad now but it scares her as to what that means. 

She looks around. She sees her purse on the floor, the contents all scattered. She sees the peanut butter and sugar knocked over. 

Peanut butter cookies. 

Mae asked to make peanut butter cookies at Jyn’s house. She remembers now. 

Mae wanted to make cookies because she thought her sister was sad. Mae knew how much Lydia loves those cookies so Rey was going to get the ingredients and bring them back to Jyn’s house. 

But Theo was here too. She knows he was. 

She can’t remember if he got away or not. She sobs out, as it comes back in flashes and she remembers his face. So frightened as he struggled to breathe.

There were men in her house, breaking their things...threatening to kill them. To kill Theo.

“No,” she sobs out. “Baby?”

Rey tries to get up but she feels like she’s stuck in glue. _Where were they? Where was her family?_

She tries to stay quiet in case she could hear them. Mae’s voice always was so soft.

But she doesn't hear voices. She hears faint beeping. Steady, consistent, a little high pitched, and tedious as it keeps her from focusing but it’s there. 

It’s all that’s there and it’s not comforting the way seeing her family would be but at least it’s something and it gives her an anchor to cling to. Because something tells her that if she doesn’t she may never see her family again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as it turns out I don't like writing action that much which is bad when you're writing a John Wick AU so I literally just copied it from the actual scene. How riveting.  
> 
> 
> Sure wish I knew what I was doing🤡


	30. Lydia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluffy mushy nonsense
> 
> I was really excited to write this one and then when it came to actually writing it I had kind of a hard time. I hope you enjoy it though!! At least things are a bit softer in this one amongst all the crazy shit going on

They had a bigger bed now and Ben had insisted on hiding away some of his old toys and posters but Rey still loves it and she feels more comfortable in this room, _in this house,_ than anywhere else they’ve ever stayed. It feels like a home. 

Rey smiles when she feels his hands reach over to her stomach and he presses his lips to the back of her neck. 

“Morning,” he says, his voice low.

“Morning,” she says, placing her hands over his. 

In the time they’ve been at Leia’s, Rey has never slept so well. And she wants to bet Ben feels the same. The absence of his tired eyes were indication enough. 

When Rey finally feels awake enough to turn over Ben smiles at her and she huffs from how much more energy it takes to just turn over than it did just a few weeks ago. She still wasn’t _that_ big according to the books but it was definitely noticeable now. 

Rey’s eyes float over Ben’s form to look out the window to see it raining and the sound of it is even more calming. 

“I always loved the rain,” she tells him. “I don’t know why.”

“Mmm,” he hums. “Me too. I used to pile all the blankets over my head and watch horror movies in the basement.”

Rey smiles. “Maybe that’s what we can do today.”

“I prefer watching them to living them,” he tells her softly. “Maybe we should watch something lighter.”

“Your birthday is next week,” she says suddenly. 

He groans, his head falling back on the pillow. “No.”

“What do you want for your birthday?”

He chuckles. “You already got me something. She’s just not coming until February.”

Rey laughed. Ben insisted the baby was a girl and Rey didn’t stop him. “Well, I’m still getting you a birthday present even if you won’t tell me what you want.”

“Rey–”

“No, I want to. You got me one,” she says, her fingers playing with the chain of her bracelet. Ben doesn’t seem to have a response except for moving a hand to her wrist and fiddling with the bracelet too. 

They stay like that for a long time, cuddled close and listening to the rain. 

“Do you really think it’ll be a girl?” She asks out against his skin. 

He chuckles. “I hope so. The boys in my family don’t have a good track record.” Rey flicks him while Ben bounces with laughter. “I’m kidding. I’m kidding.”

Rey smirks but then there’s a knock at the door. “Good morning! Lando is bringing over some breakfast. Come down when you’re ready.”

“We’re coming,” Ben calls out before he groans and his head hits the pillow again. “I feel like a kid.”

“To your mother, you’re always going to be a ‘kid.’”

At least that’s what Rey has gathered in the time they’ve been here and how she will likely be with her child no matter how old they get. 

At the promise of food, Rey moves to sit up, and Ben chuckles, helping her. Her center of gravity has changed and sometimes when she moves to get up she needs assistance. She can’t imagine how much difficult it will be as she gets bigger but it’s also something she’s oddly looking forward to.

She puts on one of Ben’s t-shirts because that’s just how she imagines the rest of her pregnancy will go.

They make their way downstairs and Lando greets them with a big hug for both of them. 

Lando was really wonderful. After they moved in, Lando (who Ben introduced as his uncle) came through with hugs just like this and ruffling Ben’s hair whenever he can. This morning is no exception. Ben tries to shake him off but Lando is persistent. And Rey can tell by the smirk Ben is trying to hide that it doesn’t bother him as much as he says it does. 

It seems like Lando is aware of the history and yet is just glad to have Ben home. For that, she is relieved and she can tell it means so much to Ben. Not to mention, Lando is intent on restoring the Falcon in the garage now that he’s got people to help him. 

“I got you those egg sandwiches you used to like. I got you two of them because I have a feeling a fella your size needs more protein these days,” Lando laughs, patting Ben’s shoulders.

“Thanks, Lando,” Ben says and this time his smile isn’t restrained in the slightest as he follows his uncle to the counter where he unloaded the food.

“And for you, my dear Rey, I got you a stack of hotcakes,” he says and Rey could cry. They sound amazing.

“Thank you,” she tells him and moving to sit next to Leia who was drinking her coffee.

“Morning, dear,” she says. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m alright, yeah.”

“When do your friends come by for another appointment?” Jyn and Cassian stopped by last week and were officially introduced to Leia and Lando.

“Oh, I don’t know. Their schedule is a little hectic.” Now that she and Ben live further from the city, it’s harder to get time with them, but Jyn remained very devoted to ensuring the baby was alright. “They’ll be back soon.”

Rey is too busy eating the pancakes to notice the look of worry on her mother-in-law’s face. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to make an appointment at the hospital?”

Ben turns to look at her from where he’s talking to Lando. His eyes are big and frightened and there’s a slight shake of his head. She knows how worried he is that they could be found. After what it took to get out and what happened with Snoke, Rey feels the same. 

Leia continues. “You know I’ve got some friends–”

“No, Leia, really. Thank you, but–” she meets Ben’s eyes, hoping her nod reassures him. “We’re really just more comfortable with Jyn and Cassian right now. We trust them.”

“Alright, whatever you think. I won’t say no to a baby being born in the house. That’ll be really special,” Leia smiles as she takes another sip of her coffee while Lando drags Ben out to the garage. Ben winks at her as he leaves.

Rey smiles, her hand instinctively covering her middle, and Leia notices.

“I see you’ve got one of his shirts on again.”

“I like his shirts,” Rey shrugs.

“You know they make clothes for pregnant women. We could get you some. We could cover you up and go out or we could even order online.”

Rey hadn’t thought of that. After Ben took her to Vanar’s in Spain, her experience of shopping or getting clothes is more akin to a chore. But maybe that was a good idea. 

“I suppose it would be smart to go shopping. I really want to get Ben something for his birthday.”

Leia’s face lights up. “Well, now we have to go.”

* * *

Lando couldn’t quite describe the onslaught of feelings when Leia had called him the night that Ben came home. Lando basically dropped everything, and his hands were shaking as he raced up to the front door but Lando imagined that Ben had a lot of nerves to make his way back and he did anyway. So that gave him courage...and hope. Hope that the young Solo had made peace with his mother and most of himself.

Lando knows the kid feels guilty and he’s looking for a home, so he welcomed him with open arms. But never too far away was Ben’s wife, Rey, and Lando sees that Ben found a new sense of home all on his own, but being welcomed back to this one was monumental to him as well.

Lando loved Rey. She was a sweet kid and knew her way around a garage. He knows Han would have loved her too.

Lando tries not to let his heart feel too heavy as he thinks of his old friend but he focuses on the bright future the Solo’s have instead. Because he knows it’s going to be beautiful and that it would have been what Han wanted. Lando knows just as much as Leia does that Han’s last wishes were his son’s happiness after realizing all the pain and anguish he had been through. 

He looks over to the young couple in the corner of the garage. They’re looking at the dismantled crib that Lando remembers Ben used to be swaddled in. He can’t hear what they’re saying but he watches them with a smile as he leans under the hood of the Falcon. 

Rey reaches to grab one of the pieces and Ben quickly takes it, holding it up. She looks up at him with annoyed eyes and Lando smiles to himself, recalling a time when Leia and Han were like this.

Ben tries to defend himself by placing a hand on her stomach and insisting he will carry things upstairs and Rey looks annoyed but seems to accept it as she moves to hold the door open for him. Ben kisses her forehead as he passes by and Lando can see the smile she tries to hide.

She was glowing and the new clothes that Leia took her out to get the other day really accentuated her stomach.

Lando beams as he thinks of a new baby Solo. He knows they’re starting to get the nursery together and Lando forfeits the auto work to take some of the tools upstairs to assist them. But since Leia wasn’t home and they thought he was in the garage, Lando stops in his tracks when he sees them cross the hall from the future nursery and back to their room. They don’t notice him though as they were quite preoccupied before the door slammed shut.

Lando chuckled to himself, realizing he should probably return to the garage and give them some time.

 _Some time,_ turned out to be twenty minutes when Ben returned to the garage with his hair ruffled and smirk on his face as he waved to Lando before grabbing the rest of the crib pieces and steps back inside.

Lando chuckled to himself, wondering if they thought they were being subtle. He supposes they didn’t really care though.

* * *

Leia watched as Rey passed Ben the gift she got for him. _Daisy cufflinks._ She got them when they were shopping and the girl had been so amazed to find them, saying they matched the bracelet he had given her. 

Leia didn’t think Ben had much use for cufflinks anymore since he wasn’t wearing suits but clearly that wasn’t a problem in the slightest because when Ben opened the box his face lit up in recognition.

“Sweetheart,” he croaked out, leaning closer towards her until his lips met hers. “I love them. Thank you.”

“I figure I had to get them just so we matched but you don’t have to wear them and–”

Ben cuts her off with a kiss and Leia can’t help but smile as she snaps a shot of them. She hasn’t had much use for her camera in the last several years and just the last few weeks alone, she’s starting to realize she needs to upgrade when the baby comes. Her walls were in need of some new pictures.

The flash gives her away and they both turn to her. Rey looks amused but Ben gives her a glare but Leia laughs, just taking another picture of them as they are. 

They really were quite adorable.

* * *

Ben has been sulking on the couch for over an hour now and Rey comes to sit beside him. “Hey, Beetlejuice,” she notices on the television. She nudges him, hoping it would make him smile. The last time they saw this they were watching it in Spanish. But his face remains unchanged. Rey sighs, knowing she had to say something. 

“Don’t let it upset you.”

“He screamed and ran away,” Ben says, his eyes focused on the screen.

It was Halloween and they were handing out candy to kids that came to the door. It was a tradition Rey had never witnessed and was eager to see on account that starting next year they may be walking around to get candy. Ben wanted to be involved too but she could tell his feelings were getting hurt when kids stared at him, looking at his scar. 

But the worst was a little kid dressed as a pirate that screamed and went running when he got a look at it and ran back for his mom.

Ever since then he’s been on the couch.

“It’s Halloween. Kids get on edge,” Rey tries to make excuses. 

“They’re gonna be scared of me.” Rey knows he means the baby.

Rey shakes her head. “I already told you. They won’t.” They spoke about this before, when he was worried the baby would find him frightening. She thought they made more headway with that. 

“Yeah, but–” he starts and shakes his head. “When they get older, and they make friends or I pick them up from school, other kids will see me and then they’ll make fun of them because they’re the kid whose dad looks like this,” he gestures to his face. “And by then, they’ll think it’s weird and that I’m scary after all.”

“Why do you have to sound so certain of these things?” 

Ben opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes and he just shrugs. “Well, won’t they?”

Rey sighs, bringing a hand to his face, “I’m not scared of you. Why should they be?”

“Because you’re not scared of anything.”

Rey could scoff. That wasn't true but she figures she should use that to her advantage. “Then trust me on this and don’t let one pirate child who was hopped up on sugar dictate how the rest of your life and fatherhood is going to go for you, alright?”

“Alright,” he agrees, not sounding too pleased. But a few minutes later he pulls her closer and she rests on his shoulder while he rests his hand on her stomach. “Even if they hate me...I’m still going to love them more than anything.”

Rey presses her lips to the edge of his jaw. “I know you will. You’re going to be a wonderful father. Trust me.”

His lips finally show the smile she was searching for. “Okay.”

He seems a little better after that as they relax and just watch Beetlejuice in content silence. “I always liked the name Lydia,” she tells him softly. 

She hears Ben chuckle. “Me too,” and his hand returns to her stomach. 

* * *

Ben sits beside Rey as Jyn checks her over. Cassian is downstairs having tea with his mother. Jyn has brought new machines the last few times. There’s a little screen that shows them some muddled blob that is meant to be the baby. Something that Jyn seems to decipher quite easily but they told her weeks ago they were going to wait until the baby was born to learn the gender. 

“Alright, everything seems to be alright, as per usual with this little one.”

He hears Rey give a small sigh of relief and he kisses her head. He always worries about them but he tries to act casual.

But as Jyn gathers herself and prepares to leave, she looks at him. “Ben, can you walk down with me? I’m gonna have you make a list of things to get at the store.”

Ben is surprised but more than willing. He knows Jyn doesn’t like him but he wants her to know that he is forever grateful to her for how she is helping them and how she seems to put Rey at ease. 

“Yeah, coming,” Ben says, first assisting Rey to sit up as she wants to take a shower. He helps her waddle over and passes her a towel before he grabs a notepad and a pen and follows Jyn back downstairs, expecting her to call out things for him to write down. But she’s oddly quiet and he’s not sure what to make of it. Perhaps she meant when she gets her things back in her car so Ben offers to help her carry her bag.

“I got it. I got it,” she rolls her eyes. “Just follow me.”

They pass through the kitchen and both doctors bid his mother farewell. Ben follows them both now to the garage but he panics a little when he hears Cassian ask Jyn, “Did you tell him?”

“What?” Ben asks. “Is something wrong with the baby? Or with Rey?” The very thought chills him and he tries to brace himself for what it could be. Clearly, they didn’t want to tell him in front of her. 

But then they both chuckle. “No, nothing like that. They’re good.”Ben takes a deep breath, trying to convince his frantic heartbeat it was all fine. 

Jyn passes the bags to Cassian for him to put in the car and Jyn turns to Ben. “Listen, Ben, I wanted to speak with you. I know I’ve been a little cold towards you and perhaps a little judgmental but, you see, when Rey first told me she thought she might be pregnant, I don’t know, I suppose I jumped to a lot of conclusions I haven’t exactly let go of. I didn’t realize you two had the relationship that you do and I guess I was stuck on who we all knew you as for years in the First Order. I just thought she was being naive when she was trying to tell me how gentle you were with her. I thought you were just with her because it was convenient for you.”

Ben tries to not be offended by these words because he assumes it’s going somewhere. But it still hurts to think she assumed he was taking advantage of Rey. He would never do that. 

“But I can see now, well, actually _anyone_ can see that’s not the case and that you’re committed to her and the baby more than anything. She’s so young and I suppose I let that influence how I saw it all but I admit I was wrong. You check out.”

“Nothing matters more to me than them,” Ben says, his voice wavering. 

Jyn chuckles. “I know. That’s obvious, I just wanted to apologize. It took me too long to admit that.”

“Well, thank you. I...can’t express to you how grateful I am for how well you look after them and that the two of you come here as often as you can. It means so much and, I mean, I could tell you weren’t fond of me but you kept coming back for her and that really means so much. I’m never not worried about them and from what I’ve learned about parenthood so far, that doesn’t change. It just seems so much more challenging considering where we’ve come from to ensure we’re safe. So thank you for giving us the peace of mind we have now.”

Cassianpats a hand on his shoulder. “For the record, I never doubted you once,” he says coyly, making Jyn roll her eyes.

Ben chuckles. “Thanks. Glad to know someone was confident.” Ben knows he doubted himself plenty of times. 

“Alright, anyways,” Jyn smirks, pushing Cassian aside so Ben pays attention to her. “Next time you go to the store, I want you to pick up some things. Mainly diet based that I’ve read are good. But I also want you to order some rubber sheets for the delivery because it’ll be easier for her to be on the bed. That bathroom is too cramped and the bathtub doesn’t look ideal considering how long she’ll be in labor.”

Ben writes it down, looking up, wondering what Jyn’s opinion was on that. “How long do you think she’ll be in labor?” he wanted a ballpark estimate, concerned for his wife.

Jyn grimaces. “It’s gonna be a long haul. It’s common enough for it to last up to or even over twenty-four hours. Especially for first pregnancies.”

First pregnancies, Ben’s mind thinks, focusing on the wrong part of her sentence. He wonders if they’re going to have more after this. But then his mind reels back as he hears a number he was fearing. Twenty four hours. 

He remembers the Tico sisters telling him that if Rey says she hates him while she’s in labor, not to take it personally. But knowing she’s going to be in pain for so long, he might hate himself too. 

“Alright,” Ben says, his voice higher than normal. “Thanks, you guys. I’ll talk to you soon.”

* * *

They accompanied Leia to the grocery store this time as it was the day before Thanksgiving and Leia suggested they have a family dinner. Rey could tell it meant a lot to her but she said she would need some assistance sine it would be the three of them and Lando. 

Rey knew Ben didn’t want to come to the store. He didn’t feel comfortable in public, not to mention she knows he prefers that if his mother was going out then they could stay home alone. And usually, Rey is in the same boat but she would like to start new traditions with her new family. This is the first time she’s been out of Dathomir for any part of the holiday season and she’s starting to realize why some people fantasize about it so much. 

It was freezing and apparently, it was going to snow. Ben kept insisting she needed more layers and then he held tight to her as they walked into the grocery store, worried about it being slippery because he thought he saw ice.

As endearing as it could be, there are moments where it could be equally frustrating. He really does worry too much. But he does look kinda adorable with his nose red from the cold as he pouts with his beanie on.

“Ben, I have a turkey on reserve. Why don’t you go over to the meat counter and pick it up? Here’s the order number, just give them my name.” Leia passes him a paper.

Ben reaches for Rey’s hand but Leia cuts in. “I need Rey to come with me to pick out what we’re having for dessert.”

Ben takes a deep breath before he nods, scanning the crowd. He squeezes her hand before he lets go and manages to step away. 

“I thought you might need some space,” Leia chuckles when he’s out of earshot. “You know I can always send him out to do anything if you need time to yourself. I know you love him but my son can be such a force when he wants to be.”

Rey chuckles, knowing what she means, but in a way, she sympathizes with Ben. Before anything else they were partners and they watched each other’s backs. To be separated in a crowded store does make her feel a little anxious. 

“He knows how to work himself up,” Rey says. “But I’m alright. Thanks.”

Leia tells her the offer is open and that she can always get Lando to take him someplace. It’s gotten a little too cold to work on the Falcon in the garage so that’s been put on hold. Well, that and she and Ben agreed that working around fumes wasn’t best right now.

Rey follows Leia in the frozen section, looking for ice cream. Everyone seems to be in such a rush but Rey is just strolling with her hands in her pockets, observing the scene. She’s never seen people look so frantic at the grocery store. 

One man is so busy looking at a list and arguing with someone on the phone about pie that he must not see her because he shoulders into her and Rey loses her balance, catching herself on one of the refrigerator doors. Rey takes a deep breath, relieved she caught herself. She places a hand on her stomach, a new habit of hers even though everything is fine. She turns around to look at the man but he kept going, apparently having missed the whole thing as he keeps walking.

But as Rey looks to the end of the aisle, she can see that her husband didn’t miss it as he’s suddenly charging for the man with a turkey under his arm. 

Panic rises within her as she snaps her fingers, trying to break through whatever voice in his head was urging him to beat the living shit out of the guy. When that doesn’t seem to work she uses her voice. “Ben!” 

He stops in his tracks, his eyes finding hers. 

_“Don’t,”_ she mouths, standing up straight as if to show she was alright. She can see he doesn’t want to listen...but he does, his shoulders sinking as he takes a breath. But he remains where he is, and the man steps into his path, skidding to a halt when he looks up to see Ben in his way.

Even from where she is she can hear him grit through his teeth, “Watch where you’re going,” before he steps around him and makes his way for her. She tries to offer him a smile. It wasn’t the best but he was getting better. He didn’t clobber anyone and he tried to carry on and that was promising at least. 

She meets him halfway and nods in approval. “Thank you,” she tells him, hugging him on the side that wasn’t carrying a turkey as they both follow after his mother. 

“He wasn’t worth it anyway,” Ben says, sounding annoyed.

“He wasn’t,” Rey agrees.

By the time they’re back home, putting away the groceries and Leia steps away, digging through a cabinet to find the plates she wanted to use for the special occasion, Ben seems to be in a better mood now that the outing was over. 

He comes up behind her, his hands finding their usual place on her stomach as he kisses the top of her head. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. You did good,” she tells him.

“I get so worried and then I turn into an asshole. I was used to being an asshole. It was my job.”

“Well, he was the _asshole_. What you did was good.”

“I know it’s stupid, but I just get really uneasy when we’re out and I’m not with you.”

“It’s not stupid. I feel like that too. It’s because of everything that happened.”

“I know,” he rests his cheek over her head. 

“But we’ll get better. Overtime. It’ll get easier. It’s still fresh.”

She feels Ben nod in agreement and takes a deep breath. 

But then there’s a sharp jolt that courses through her and she hears Ben gasp as he feels it too. A kick.

Rey beams and she can hear Ben laughs as he moves his hand to where it had been. It isn’t the first time they’ve felt the baby kick but that was certainly the biggest one yet.

Rey moves her hands over Ben’s, leaning her head back, completely forgetting the groceries. 

“That was a big one,” Ben chuckles. “I think someone just woke up.”

Rey turns in his arms, moving to her toes to kiss him. She reminds herself just how lucky they are. They may be scared by the past but they had so much to look forward to, to build up, she’ knows what they say is true. They’ll get better and heal together.

Their kisses start to grow more urgent and Ben’s hands wander lower as if preparing to set her on the counter.

“Ben?”

Ben groans as he pulls away, his mother calling from down the hall. “Yeah?” he calls back.

“I need your help. The plates are on too high a shelf. I can’t reach.”

Ben sighs, “Sounds like an emergency,” he says under his breath and Rey chuckles. 

“It’s not as if we were going to have sex on the counter.”

“Don’t tempt me. We’ll finish this later,” he winks as he moves away to assist his mother. 

* * *

Ben returns in the late afternoon after Lando dropped him off. 

Lando offered to take him out to buy some paint for the nursery as well as some other odds and ends. Rey said she wanted green because it was neutral and as long as he didn’t get something too dark or too bright, she trusted his judgment, saying she was too tired to join them. Ben figured pastels were pretty standard for nurseries so he picked out a green that was soothing and soft and had assumed Rey would like it. He liked it.

He walks in to find his mother reading on the couch. “Rey upstairs?”

She nods. “I think she’s sleeping,” she says quietly even though Rey is all the way upstairs. 

Ben quietly makes his way up, creaking to door open as quietly as he can. Only the bed is empty and instead, she’s standing in the bathroom with a towel around her shoulders and scissors in her hands. And that’s when Ben notices the scatterings of trimmed hair at her feet.

“Please don’t ask what I’m doing, I don’t know,” Rey says, still looking in the mirror. 

Ben smirks. “No, it looks good. You almost match me,” he chuckles, noticing how her hair now sits above her shoulders. 

“Can you trim the back for me?”

Ben takes the scissors she offers and bites his tongue as he tries to line up her hair with the rest she had done before he makes the cut and relieved when it looks alright. “You must really trust me.”

Rey snorts. “You got to be better than I am.”

Ben meets her eyes in the mirror, setting the scissors aside when he’s done. “No, I love it. It suits you.”

“Yeah?”

He nods, kissing her shoulder even though there’s a towel in his way. 

“I just wanted a bit of change. I thought it was the best idea about twenty minutes ago, now I don’t know,” she says, fluffing the ends and turning her head to see if that changes her opinion of it. 

“I love it. Maybe you could give me a slight trim. Mine’s getting kinda long.” He pulls off his beanie to ruffle it. Rey laughs, pulling the towel from her shoulders. “You sure you trust me?”

When she looks up at him with a smile, her hair framing her face and looking as adorable as she does, he feels like he’s melting. 

“Do you really have to ask that?”

“Alright, but you have to sit on the toilet. You’re too tall.”

* * *

As soon as they hear the garage close they smile, knowing Leia would be gone for hours. She was going to some Christmas luncheon thing with Amilyn that was a two-hour drive at least so they had the house to themselves today.

Which meant there was no need to rush. 

They’ve been so fortunate to be able to live with Ben’s mother but there are a few things that make it a little awkward sometimes. Especially once her pregnancy started to lead to some desirable side effects but gave them little opportunity to act on them without it being obvious. 

So when Leia has errands or heads out for anything that takes at least twenty minutes, they take advantage of their solitude as well as they can.

As Rey gets bigger they have to adjust to new ways to come together but this method of problem-solving quite enjoyable. 

Ben kisses her slowly, nipping at her chin as he trails down, taking his time as he makes his way down her chest, past her rounded stomach. He gives a breathy laugh and she opens her eyes to see him peeking over her stomach, amused at how big she is. Rey flicks him. He kisses her navel, continuing his way further down.

“You taste different,” Ben says suddenly. It takes Rey a moment to even realize he’s said something she’s so distracted. But when they register a moment later she freezes, moving to her elbows to look down at him.

“What do you mean ‘different?’” she breathes out.

Ben hums, ignoring her as he continues his attentions between her legs, trying to distract her. Rey stays strong, reaching for his hair and urging him to look at her. His head finally pops up and she asks again. “What do you mean ‘different?’”

He smirks, “Because you’re pregnant.”

She is. And that means she’s more hormonal and hungrier and hornier and more thin-skinned than usual. “It’s bad?” she asks, feeling self-conscious.

Ben laughs, shaking his head. “No,” he says, lowering his head to press his mouth against her again. “Not at all.”

* * *

It’s in these moments that Ben can’t help but think where he was not so long ago. Last year he would have been staking out on top of a building and freezing his ass off or sitting by himself in a hotel room watching shitty TV and drinking. He would have been miserable as usual.

This is worlds away from that. He hadn’t even known her then. 

He holds fast to her hips, helping her move over him. He knows her being on top won’t last much longer, but he leans back enough that her stomach isn’t too much of an obstacle. Still, Rey moves quickly and he can’t take his eyes off of her. 

And yet, it still seems to be over too soon as he moans out into the room (and probably the whole house) with a winded, “Fuck.”

Rey laughs, catching her own breath as she leans forward, kissing him sloppily.

“I thought we weren’t in a rush?” she teases, nipping at his ear.

“Hey,” he feigns offense. “It’s not my fault. You're killing me," he jokes but if he's honest it's true. He quite likes how much she desires him these days even if his body is struggling to keep up. "Besides, give me twenty minutes, I’ll be good.”

Rey doesn’t move off of him but he finds he doesn’t want her to. She speaks softly as she hugs him as close as she can with her middle section squished between them. “I love you,” she says softly against his shoulder, her hands running through his hair. ”I’m sorry I’m so exhausting,” she smirks.

Ben snorts, running his hands past her back. “I like being exhausted. At least this kind.”

They melt back against the sheets to lay down, Rey snuggles beside him, her head on his arm. “Sometimes, it scares me to think that we might never have been partners and that none of this would have ever happened.”

Ben has thought of that too and he’s definitely shivered when he imagines a world where she got partnered up with Hux or something like that. But somehow it all worked out and they found themselves here and it was more perfect than anything he knew he deserved. 

“The only good thing that bastard ever did was partnering me with you,” Ben tells her. But she already knows that.

* * *

They gently swayed to the music that Lando was supplying. They go slowly but Rey thinks that Ben has great potential as a dancer.

Rey had never celebrated Christmas but she had seen in the city what a big deal it could be. Thankfully, Leia’s version of it was pretty calm and honestly not too different from their other days, only they opened gifts in the morning, had a huge breakfast, and then a huge dinner. Rey was stuffed and almost worried it would send her into labor but after they took a stroll to get some air she felt a lot better. 

Leia had gotten them so many baby things. So many things that Rey can’t imagine where she must have been hiding all of it over the past several weeks. Rey felt bad that she hadn’t gotten much for her mother-in-law in return but when Rey mentioned this Leia shook her head and told her that she had already given her plenty.

Rey looks to her now as she sits at the piano with Lando while he plays. They were both drunk and giggling every time Lando messed up a note. Rey chuckled against Ben’s shoulder.

“Are you laughing at my dancing?”

“No,” Rey says, hugging him tighter. “You’re very good you know.”

“Better than the first time I danced with you in Rome?”

“Hey, I liked Rome. And you should know that considering what happened right after,” she looks up to him knowingly.

Ben smiles down at her. “Do you think it happened there? That night?” he asks lowly, his eyes looking between them at her middle.

Rey smirks. “Considering the timing of it all, I think it’d have to be. That or the few days after.”

Ben nods, but she can hear him sigh. “I didn’t know what I was doing. I never even thought of protection.”

“I wouldn’t change anything,” Rey tells him.

“I wouldn’t either,” he says quickly. “It’s just something I should have thought about but I was so shocked you loved me too and it was all like a dream. _Still is,_ ” he chuckles.

Rey smiles at him but Leia steps over towards them with a big grin. 

“You two are good at this. Ben, I didn’t know you danced,” she pokes him.

“Rey gives me pointers. She was a ballerina.”

Rey snorts. For some reason when he said it it sounded funny. _Ballerina._

“Really?” Leia asks, her eyes going wide. “I love ballet. My friend Amilyn and I go to the ballet all the time. So elegant.”

Rey laughs as Leia makes graceful gestures with her arms. She was definitely drunk. 

“You’ll have to give me some pointers too.”  
“Maybe after the baby comes,” Rey says, her feet aching as she moves to the couch to sit down. Ben moves to follow her but Leia snags his hand. 

“Ben, dance with your mother.”

He knows he can’t turn her down so he joins her and Rey giggles as his mother sings off-key to the music along with Lando on the other side of the room. 

Even the baby kicks in excitement and Rey decides that she quite likes this holiday.

And when nearly the same thing occurs a week later on New Year’s, Rey realizes it has more to do with how much she loves all of them. 

Rey always wanted something like this. It’s surreal to know this family is hers.

* * *

Ben was looking through some of his old things in the basement when he finds the box of VHS tapes. He smiles as he sees some that he used to love. But then there’s a purple tape he doesn't remember and he takes it out to see it’s titled “Lamazercise!”

He snorts at first but after a moment he finds himself curious, wondering if it was useful. His mother must have had it from when she was pregnant with him. 

He puts it into the machine, wondering if it even still worked. He and Rey have watched some videos and tried to do some breathing practice but he’s still very anxious and he’s worried he’ll be so panicked when she goes into labor he may forget to breathe let alone help her breathe. Anything will help at this point.

It jumps right in with a very upbeat tone and eighties music. All the pregnant women were clad in bright colors and lots of spandex. Ben chuckled but then they got to the breathing side of it and he found himself imitating their breathing patterns, assuming it had to be somewhat helpful.

That’s when Rey finds him, looking down at him from the stairs. “Are you giving birth down here?”

He waves her over. “Come here, I think this helps.”

Rey rolls her eyes but seems to humor him as she comes to sit with him. 

“Like this,” he breathes in the same pattern as the women on the TV and Rey just laughs but he tickles her side. “Come on, try it.”

“Don’t make me laugh, I’ll wet my pants,” she tells him and he lets her off the hook. But personally, he thinks when the time comes, _Lamazercise_ might have been worth it.

* * *

Leia passes by the nursery to see her son and Rey curled up on the floor on top of some stuffed animals for pillows with a half-finished dresser across from them. 

Rey seems to be asleep but Ben’s eyes open to see her standing there in the doorway. He gives her a smile and waves and Leia feels like in that quiet moment, seeing how content he was, brings her such pride and relief that he found what he was looking for. And that in doing so, Leia found what she was looking for too. Her son. The son she remembers from the days before it all went bad. Back when he was still shorter than her and they spent more time laughing than arguing. 

He was back and he was home. 

She smiles and waves back before moving to her room where he wouldn’t see her cry. Because it’s not as if they’re in sadness. Quite the opposite. 

* * *

Ben wakes up, facing the window to see the snow falling outside. He smiles, knowing Rey would like that when she wakes up in the morning. He turns around to face her but when he does she’s not there. Ben sits up, his eyes are immediately drawn to the light from under the bathroom door instead. 

Paranoid with her due date fairly close, Ben gets out of bed to check on her. He knocks softly on the door but when there’s no answer he slowly opens it to find Rey hunched over the sink and taking deep breaths. 

Ben’s heart picks up, forcing himself to remain calm. Even if he’s instantly sweating. “You okay, sweetheart?” he manages, approaching her slowly. He can see she’s biting her lip in the reflection and Ben has the sudden urge to call Jyn. Somehow he just knows that it’s _time._

“Fine, I just...I just need a minute.”

Ben steps over to her, running a hand past her back, urging her to face him but her hold on the edge of the sink is deadly. Ben brings a hand between them, placing it wide over her middle. His own stomach drops as he feels how tense and suddenly firm it feels. 

“Rey, I-I think you’re in labor,” he hears himself say, his mind floundering under what this means.

_The baby is coming._

Rey shakes her head and swats the air as if to wave him off. “I just need some air.”

“Rey,” he braces her arms gently, “Let me help you back to bed. I’m gonna call Jyn.”

“No!” she snaps but it sounds more like a sob. “I’m fine. Please just open the window.”

Ben sighs, stepping over to open the window but the air is freezing and little snowflakes drift into the bathroom.

“Rey,” he says, hoping she’ll look at him but she doesn’t. It was snowing and Jyn and Cassian had the drive. He would prefer Rey have this revelation now so they can get here sooner. He may have read up but he doesn’t know how to actually deliver the baby. “Please, sweetheart, look at me.” 

Her eyes finally look up to him in the mirror and his heartbreaks. She looks terrified.

“It’s too early,” she breathes out next and Ben wanders back over to her, settling his hands on her stomach, more than certain that these were different from practice contractions. These were the real deal. 

“All the books say that first pregnancies can be early,” Ben tries to say calmly but internally panicking because his phone is in the other room and he needs to call Jyn and Cassian. Besides, it was only a week and a half early. 

“It’s _too early_ ,” Rey says again, this time, tears falling as she sniffles. “I don’t know if I’m ready...what if I’m not good at this?” she sobs.

Ben has to hold back a smile. Because after all these months of him doubting himself, not feeling ready, feeling scared out of his mind, Rey has been the one to tell him that he would be a good father. If he’s honest, it’s relieving to hear that she’s worried too because it’s been kind of mystifying how natural she’s been about it. This was huge. The biggest thing that’s ever happened to either of them and with the baby’s impending arrival, Rey seems to be feeling that fear more than ever. After all they’ve been through...all _she’s_ been through since she was young...he can understand. She’s always wanted her own family and now it was coming and she’s scared.

“Sweetheart, you don’t have to worry about that. You know you don’t. Because you’ve been telling me for months that together we’re gonna figure this out...and we’re gonna love them with everything we have, keep them safe with everything we have. Everything else we’ll figure out along the way.”

Rey sniffles but nods. “Okay,” she croaks.

He kisses her forehead and runs a hand over her hair. “It’ll be alright.”

This hasn’t thrown him off his instincts to call Jyn immediately but he would prefer Rey to be sitting down.

But then Rey groans in pain and her head collides against his chest. But all Ben can focus on is how they’re suddenly standing in a puddle. 

“Maybe you’re right. We should call them,” Rey grits out in a tight voice. Her knees buckle but Ben catches her, carrying her back out to the bedroom and laying her on the bed.

Ben’s heart is beating out of his chest as he scrambles to his nightstand to unplug his phone and call Jyn and Cassian. He steps back around, pulling a shirt over his head as well as he can with the phone to his ear as it rings. He leans over to kiss Rey quickly before he steps out of the room and makes his way to his mother’s room, knocking on the door. She told him to wake her if it happened during the night. 

“Ben? Is it time?” his mother asks wide-eyed. 

“Her water just broke,” he tells her, rushing back to his room as Jyn finally answers.

Jyn asks the same question his mom did and he gives the same answer.

“We’re on our way. Remember to time between the contractions and do the breathing!”

“Right,” Ben says, feeling like he’s forgotten completely how to breathe himself. He’s shaking but he manages to get back to their room. 

He comes to sit on the edge of the bed, taking her hand in his and trying to keep a straight face when she grips it so tightly his knuckles crack. The contraction finally passes and Ben glances at the clock, mentally stamping the time for when the next one comes as Jyn had instructed. 

“Ben,” Rey breathes out, catching her breath.

“Yeah?”

“I think I’m having a baby.”

He chuckles. “I thought so.”

* * *

Rey feels like she can’t remember anything before the labor started. She feels like the pain is so consuming it’s all there is. It’s always been going and it’ll never be over and there are brief moments that she forgets it’s all for the sake of giving birth because there are points where she thinks she must just be dying. 

She can see Ben looks worried and almost as sweaty as she is. Thankfully, Jyn seems to be putting all of her studies to good use because she sounds confident when she tells Rey what to do. 

Rey can’t remember how long she’s been pushing but it feels like it could have been even longer than the contractions. 

But then it gets to the point where Jyn is screaming at her to push and Ben is counting for her in her ear and Rey is so ready for it all to be over so she pushes with all she has and suddenly it all shifts as she hears an odd, squealing sort of cry. But somehow she knows that means it’s over and she slumps her head back against the pillow, trying to catch her breath while she feels what must be Ben’s lips pressing against the side of her face over and over again. Rey can’t seem to make out any of their words, her ears are focused entirely on the cries and it gives her the strength enough to open her eyes and look down.

“ _She’s_ beautiful,” Jyn says and Rey can see the woman has her own tears streaming down her face as she swaddles the baby. Rey can only see her tiny hands reaching out and Rey holds out her own arms, feeling the strongest pull she’s ever felt. Jyn comes to her side and gently passes her the bundle that quiets as soon as they make contact as if she recognizes her mother.

In an instant, a new kind of love rushes through Rey as she looks upon her for the first time. She’s tiny and pink but so so beautiful. Rey’s tears fall as she tries to commit it all to memory. It’s only once you get to hold your baby for the first time. 

Ben settles his hand over the baby’s head and suddenly she looks even smaller. Rey chuckles, leaning her head against his as they both look down at her. “Rey,” Ben breathes out, his voice in awe. "Look at her." She’s never heard him sound quite like that before. She turns to look at him, one word on her mind as she finally meets his red, teary eyes. 

“Lydia,” Rey whispers, her throat raw and her body aching but none of it near as overwhelming as the sudden certainty of this newfound love for the little being in her arms. 

Ben nods, leaning forward to kiss her before he settles his forehead against hers.

“Lydia,” he agrees.

* * *

"Only seventeen hours in labor," Jyn laughs. "She was in a rush to get here it seems."

Rey smiles but doesn't seem to have the energy to laugh. To Rey it was an eternity. It certainly felt like it just to sit beside her and watch, knowing she was in such pain. But she did it...and she didn't even tell him she hates him once.

She did tell him to shut up at one point when one contraction was particularly painful and he apologized for a minute straight, not sure what else to do. Thinking about it now it was almost funny.

He can hear Leia and Lando already celebrating. They popped the champagne as soon as they heard the cries. He knows his mother would have stayed but it got a little cramped. Jyn even kicked Cassian out a few times and only let Ben stay because she knew even if she asked him he wouldn't leave. He wasn't leaving Rey.

Ben kisses her cheek, running his fingers through her hair, thoroughly amazed by what she's done.

“Do you want to hold her?” Rey asks after Jyn finds a diaper to put on her and is about to pass her back to Rey. But Rey looks to him, exhausted and yet so beautiful, asking if he wants to hold her all on his own.

The question makes all the air get trapped in his chest as he realizes what that entails and he can’t even speak. He just knows to hold out his arms as Rey passes her over as gently as they can. Lydia squirms a little and whines when moved away from the warmth of her mother. 

But as Ben settles her in his arms and speaks to her gently, assuring her it was okay, her cries trail off and she’s quiet again. Ben’s heart feels so full. He’s not sure what it is but he feels like he’s flooding from the seams as he holds her for the first time. She’s so tiny. He didn’t think anyone could be so small. The books and sites tell you but it’s different when you hold them for the first time. 

Ben feels like he’s in a trance as he studies her. She doesn’t have much hair but the little wisps that are there look a similar shade to his own. Thankfully she doesn’t have his ears, he chuckles to himself. But he finds himself enchanted by her hands. Her fingers were so incredibly tiny and every time she moves them he gasps. He traces over them gently, surprised when her fingers curl around his own. It seizes him like nothing ever has and tears well in his eyes as he knows no matter what he will keep her safe. 

He loves her so much. 

She squeaks when he kisses the top of her head and he hears Rey chuckle from the bed where she’s watching them. 

“Lydia…” he breathes out, the name sounding so right aloud like it belongs to her. “I love you,” he tells her, his tears streaming down his nose and onto the towel she was wrapped in.

He can hear Cassian speaking with his mother and Lando down the hall. He knows his mother is dying to see her and Ben will carry her out in a moment or invite them in when Rey was ready. But at that moment all he can do is sit and stare in awe at the little being that he loves so completely, so instantly, with everything he has.

Looking up to his wife, he knows that she was the one who has given him everything. Even from the beginning, she gave him a chance, she gave him her smiles, she gave him her love, her trust...and now Lydia.

The words flood out of him with a sob. “Thank you.” 

She reaches out, her palm settling on his cheek and her thumb brushing away his tears as well as tracing his scar.

“Thank you for everything, Rey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one got really long and tbh I don't know if I proofread it enough so I might come back and make some edits. But I wanted to post this because it took me a while and I wanted to get it out. 
> 
> btw omg I MIGHT have posted a new fic whoops I'm sorry. I don't know why I do that. Anyways, it's [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29142972/chapters/71546082) if you're interested. Not much going on right now and I can't even tell if I like it but whatever. Honestly, all my fics are the same trope and plot it's just different settings, like who am I kidding?
> 
> but more importantly...LYDIA IS HERE!!!!


	31. Tribulations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so...I hope this one doesn't scare everyone away. I'm making a bold move for some things that include some 'ghosts of sad husband's future' sort of visions for Rey.
> 
> Literally, everything hurts and I'm not going easy on anybody so just buckle up and hold it together until we get to the cuteness of baby Lydia next chapter because that's all that keeps us going.
> 
> when I titled this "Tribulations" I actually meant "everything seems to be going down the shitter and everyone is crying:)"

_Rey doesn’t know what’s happening. It’s dark but she faintly starts to see new shapes appear. And then she starts to realize she’s in a bedroom. Not her bedroom but a bedroom and her husband is in the bed._

_“Ben?” she calls out but she can’t even hear herself so he doesn’t either._

_She steps closer and she sees that his eyes are open as he stares up at the ceiling. In his hands, he’s holding her silver daisy bracelet._

_The alarm goes off but Ben doesn’t look surprised as he reaches over to turn it off. It’s still dark in the room but he gets up anyway. He always got up early. He moves over to open the blinds for a little more light and it's then that Rey sees him clearly._

_His hair is streaked with more flecks of silver than she remembers and there are a few more wrinkles near the corner of his eyes. He’s older. She doesn’t know by how much or how many years have passed but he’s still so striking and she can’t look away. She reaches to take hold of him but her arms go right through him._

_She isn’t there._

_At first, this comforts her as she knows this must just be a dream and her husband is not this man that looks so broken. But there’s a stinging truth and foreboding to what she sees as she watches him closely._

_He steps back over to the bed, to the side he had not been sleeping on. No one is there, but then Rey sees what he’s looking at. It’s the silky white slip dress she got married in. It was laid out flat against the comforter, as a place marker. Rey starts to realize what she’s seeing and her heart shatters._

_Ben gently picks up the dress and tucks it safely into the keepsakes box on the bedside table before he lays the bracelet on top._

_“Good morning, sweetheart,” he whispers before he steps over to the bathroom._

_Rey can tell, just by the way her husband moves, that he does this every morning._

_She follows him as he takes his shirt off and she sees his tattoos but more than anything she sees the chain he wears around his neck and her wedding ring that hangs on it._

_If it wasn’t obvious before, it is now as Rey understands what she’s seeing and she has no choice but to watch._

_This is a vision of a future she hoped would never happen. A future where she is taken from her family in a way she can’t come back. She knows the guilt her husband wears on his shoulders from his life before but never this heavily._

_“It’s not your fault, love,” she says, crying but he of course can’t hear._

_Her husband gets dressed and ready. It’s so quiet and empty and Rey wonders where the children are. Their mornings were always so bright, especially when he would get up and go downstairs with Mae when they made breakfast for everyone._

_Rey can see perhaps that’s changed._

* * *

Ben is pressing hard against his side where he’s bleeding, trying to keep his breathing steady. It's been a long time since he's been actually injured. The last time he actually used the first aid kit in his house for himself was after he got an abnormally large papercut from helping Lydia with one of her projects. He used a dinosaur bandaid just to keep from getting blood on her homework and Rey had laughed at him but he explained it was only because he was getting blood on things and definitely not because it hurt or anything.

Ben shakes his head, realizing him thinking about home or Rey had actually distracted him enough that he was going too slow so he tries to move fast and keep one foot in front of the other. He had to get back to the hotel. He just hopes there’s still an on-call doctor that can help him.

But then…

“Ben!”

Ben stops, looking to see a car pull up to the curb and Poe’s face sticking out of the window.

He hops out of the car and opens the door to the backseat. “Get in! I’ll take you back to the hotel.”

Ben can only nod his gratitude and place his hand on Poe’s shoulder as he limps into his car. 

He groans, crashing against the seats and already knowing he’s going to have to pay Poe for cleaning because he’s going to get blood everywhere but Dameron doesn’t seem to care. 

He puts the car in drive and rushes back to the Castle.

“How did you find me?”

“Finn told me where you went. Not to mention everyone is freaking out over _some maniac_ that went ballistic in Kanjiklub!” Poe shouts at him and Ben knows he thinks he’s been an idiot. “Man, what the fuck are you doing?” Poe asks him, facing the road. 

“Eldridge...” is Ben’s only answer. 

Poe sighs. “Listen, Solo. I can’t imagine how painful this all must be and I’m not saying I wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing if someone shot my husband but let me just tell you that whatever tactic you’re trying to do here isn’t working.”

Ben grits his teeth, not in the mood to be lectured right now.

They arrive back at the hotel and Finn is there and both he and Poe assist him back to his room. “I already called the doctor, she’s on her way,” Ben hears him say as he lands back on his bed, trying to pull off his jacket. He wanted to get his bulletproof vest off and see how bad the damage was.

Poe and Finn try to help him, pulling his shirt off and he tells them to be careful with his little daisy cufflinks. He didn’t want them getting lost. He feels like a kid with his parents helping him and immediately his mind goes to the kids. 

There’s a knock at the door and Finn lets them in, knowing it must be the doctor. But as the doctor moves to the side of the bed to examine the wound, he looks up to see a familiar face.

“Rose?” She must be a doctor now.

“Hey, dummy,” she says, digging through her bag. “Finn, fill this with water,” she says, passing him a small bowl. “And get some towels.”

They all move around him but Ben finds himself looking up to the ceiling and holding back tears. He wants so badly to be home. He wants this to be over and he feels a wave of crushing disappointment wash over him because Poe was right. All he did this evening was cause a giant panic and not eliminate the one target that he had. 

Ben has gone so long without being this person. He didn’t want to be but even though it was in vengeance for his family, he feels worse than before. He’s no closer to getting back to them and his throat tightens as he finds himself holding back tears. 

He wants to be with them again and to know that hurts way more than the wound on his side. 

He must be crying because Finn’s face hovers over him. “You okay?”

They all pause to look at him curiously and Ben doesn’t want them to see him like this so he shakes his head and tries to turn away. Rose and Finn try to keep him from moving because Rose is still trying to give him stitches. 

“Ben, don’t move. You have to stay still.”

His chest grows so tight and a sob escapes him as he tries to hide from them. 

“Ben, it’s okay,” he hears one of them say.

It’s not. It’s all fucked. He’s made it worse.

He doesn’t even feel the stitches getting patched into his side he just feels so fucking devastated like his chest is getting caved out of everything he loves and if Ben’s honest he knows that’s what he deserves.

He knows he’s been living a life meant for someone better but it was the life his children deserved. A life his wife deserved. But he can see now he’s ruined it for all of them as some sort of karmic joke has unfolded. This life came back for them and when he went chasing back, trying to do the only thing he ever knew how to do, he’s made it so much worse and he fucking hates it.

He wants it to be over. When he wakes up he hopes he’s home and this was some fucked up dream because he can’t take it anymore.

* * *

Lydia looks up when Lando walks by, heading to sleep in the other bedroom. He smiles when he ducks in and sees how Mae’s face is squished up against the pillow.

“I put a blanket over Theo on the couch. I wanted him to stay asleep.”

“Alright,” Lydia whispers back, knowing why he hasn’t come up yet.

He looks back to Mae, specifically where Lydia was still holding her hand from before she fell asleep. He sets a hand on her head. “You’re the best big sister a kid could have.”

“Thanks.”

“Goodnight, Lyds.”

“Goodnight, Lando.”

Lydia waits until she hears the door close down the hall before she stands up and grabs her pajamas before moving to the bathroom. Finally alone, Lydia takes the letter and sets it on the counter. She stares at it while she debates to read it. She’s discovered a lot these past few days about who her parents are. She’s unsure if she should learn more. 

She changes into her pajamas but she puts her mom’s jacket back on after, hugging herself as she stares at the paper. She moves to sit on the bathtub, holding it in her hands until she unfolds it and takes a deep breath as she begins to read. 

* * *

Theo wakes up, his headphones still playing music and the TV was still on, but no one else was downstairs and he has a moment of panic, realizing he’s alone. Ever since what happened at the house, he doesn’t like being alone. 

He rattles his inhaler still clutched in his hand and takes a quick inhale, knowing he should relax because they’re safe here at Leia’s house. At least he hopes so.

Still, he rubs his eyes and grabs the blanket, shrouding it around himself like a robe as he makes his way upstairs to where his sisters were.

The first thing he notices as he steps inside is Mae’s nightlight and Theo admits that he sleeps better with it on too. But when he looks to the bed, Maeby is the only one sleeping. There’s a light under the bathroom door though and Theo assumes Lydia must be in there and he’s glad he’s not the only one awake.

He throws his blanket over the bed and covering Mae as he moves to the bathroom and knocks softly on the door.

“Lyds?” he whispers. 

It’s quiet for a long moment before he hears her speak. “Come in.”

Theo slowly opens the door, surprised to find his sister sitting on the edge of the bathtub with big red eyes like she’s been crying. And there’s a piece of paper in her hands. 

“What is that?” Theo asks, his heart beating faster in fear. He closes the door behind him so they don’t wake up Mae.

She folds up the paper, sniffling. “You know how we were talking this morning about mom and dad?”

Theo nods. They never really finished that conversation from that morning. He leans over her shoulder, trying to read what’s on the paper but she folds it up so he can’t.

“Lydia, what is it?”

“Theo, there’s a lot that mom and dad never told us...and I don’t know all of it but I know more now and I don’t think I’m supposed to tell you but I don’t know what else to do.”

“What do you mean?”

Lydia wipes her eyes and scoots over so he can sit next to her. “Theo when I went back to the house with dad…maybe I shouldn’t say,” Lydia covers her face with her hands.

“No, tell me,” Theo asks her. He’s been terrified non-stop the past few days. His older sister has put on a brave face but to see her get upset now he realizes she’s scared too. But she seems to know something he doesn’t and Theo was old enough to know there’s something his parents haven’t told him. There’s an obvious reason that dad wasn’t here.

Dad has never even remotely gone on a business trip and all of sudden, right after their mom got shot and fell into a coma he left. 

Theo loved his dad and he knows his dad loves all of them more than anything, so he would only leave if he had a reason and the more he thinks about Mae’s question, the more Theo is certain that their dad went after the people that shot mom.

And this morning Lydia had said that mom and dad used to be more than just bodyguards and Theo admits that maybe that isn’t surprising.

“What happened when you went back to the house?” Theo asks. “Tell me, I’ll be okay.”

“Theo,” Lydia croaks. “I was talking to dad after I packed for me and Maeby when he picked me up and put me in the safe room. I didn’t know why but then he told me to stay there and wait. I looked up to the screens as he closed the door and I saw...I saw men with black ski masks and suits coming into the house.”

“More people came?”

“There was like twelve of them and they had guns.”

Theo’s heart picks up. “In our house?”

Lydia nods. “But then dad had a gun too and he just...”

Lydia doesn’t say it but Theo understands what happened. Because dad came back fine and he can tell already that the men that came probably didn’t make it out okay.

_Dad must have…_

Theo shivers.

“Is that why you’re upset?” he asks, trying to sound brave. Like he can handle it.

“Theo, we grew up with them. We know who they are one way but we never really knew who they _were._ And that was confusing in itself but as more becomes clear, I wish I just stayed confused.”

Theo is still confused. “Lydia...what’s going on? Did dad tell you something?” He looks at the paper in her hands, wondering if that had answers. “What does this say?” He sees dad’s writing on it.

She pulls it out of reach. “Theo, don’t.”

“What does it say?! I know dad wrote it. Just tell me! ”

“No, I can’t!” she cries, standing up. 

“Lydia, just tell me! I’m scared I want to know what the hell is going on!” 

He reaches forward to grab it but she blocks him like they do when they spar. “Theo, you don’t want to know.”

“I do! I’m scared and dad isn’t here and mom isn’t waking up and no one will tell me anything! Not even you! I thought we’re supposed to trust each other?!” Theo cries, trying to reach for it again but this time when she blocks him she pushes him back. He doesn’t fall but he’s surprised. He and his sister never fight. Not for real. Only at home when they’re all in the basement and mom and dad are giving them pointers. 

But now it’s just them and maybe it’s just because he’s scared and confused more at everything else than he is with his sister but she’s not telling him what she knows. 

He deserves to know. He’s not a baby.

“Lydia, stop it! What did dad write”

“I can’t tell you...it’s bad and it will make you think of him differently.”

“Why? _Do you_?”

Lydia stammers before she answers. “I–I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel,” she cries. “And I don’t think you want to feel like this, just trust me, okay!”

“What could he have done that’s any different from what you just told me? It’s confusing enough!”

Tears stream down her cheeks and Theo is pretty sure he’s crying too now. He sniffles. 

“Theo…” Lydia croaks, unfolding the letter in her hands. “I think dad killed his own father.”

Theo’s heart drops to his feet. He must not have heard her right. He’s about to ask her what she just said because it couldn’t possibly be that. 

But then the door opens and they both spin to see Lando standing there in his silky pajamas. “What the hell is going on here?” he asks with an angered whisper and Theo now realizes that they had been shouting.

“I–” Theo can’t speak because instantly his tears choke him back and when he looks to Lydia he can see she has the same reaction.

Lando steps forward, placing a hand on each of their shoulders. “Oh little Solo’s, I’m–” he cuts himself off as he looks to the paper in Lydia’s hands and his face changes. Theo’s never seen him look like that before.

“Where did you get that?” he asks Lydia gravely. 

“I found it...I’m sorry, Lando.”

Lando sighs and his head slumps forward as he holds out his hand. Lydia passes it to him and as soon as he looks at him completely he shits his eyes tight and folds it back up. 

“Alright, you two, come with me. We have a lot to talk about.”

_No. No, it can’t be true._

Lando gently urges them out of the bathroom and they all remain quiet as they leave the room. Mae was still fast asleep, undisturbed from the shouting and they leave her be and they headed back downstairs.

Theo thinks Lydia was right. Maybe he didn’t want to know.

He rattles his inhaler again and takes in a great puff of air. He had a feeling he was going to need it. 

* * *

“Chandrila General,” Eldridge discovers. He finally got the phone unlocked. He didn't tell Phasma that he almost got locked out of it and it nearly got reset to factory settings because he eventually figured it out and she didn't need to know he was struggling with it. “I think that’s the hospital where she is but based on some of his texts it sounds like she’s in a coma. Only they’re calling her ‘Rey?’ And based off the endless pictures this guy has, it looks like there's three kids,” Eldridge shares because that was what she had asked him to find.

This information makes Phasma grin. Clearly, the woman had some elaborate fantasy that included finishing Kira off herself. “ _Rey_ was her real name. The name she had on the street before Talzin took her in and had her friends call her by in secret.”

“Were you her friend or some shit? Is that how you know that?”

“She was _never_ my friend,” Phasma growls.

“Does that mean Phasma isn’t your real name?”

Phasma ignores him now.

Eldridge rolls his eyes and gathers she's not going to share anything remotely personal except for her hatred for this woman. “So, we’re going to Chandrila General to...bring her with us? Or kill her?”

Phasma doesn’t answer the question. “You’re not going anywhere. I’m taking you back to your father. I’ll be back in the morning with the children and once Kylo sees everything he’s fighting for has been taken, he’ll fold. He won’t do anything if the children are threatened. He won’t shoot you if you’ve got shields.”

Eldridge smirks in understanding as Phasma’s plan starts to make sense.

However, he thinks back to what his father has said and what everyone thinks of him. That he’s letting his daddy solve all his problems. Not to mention that there’s a literal psychopath after him and he’s nervous about what will happen tomorrow if he stays in the city. 

“I want to do something. I can handle this shit too, you know.”

“‘This shit’ is only happening because you fucked up. Your father made that clear.”

“Hey, I didn’t know she was the wife of the craziest fucker alive. I just wanted the car. And can I just say, you know, if she’s supposed to be some legend how come me and my two boys managed to get away scot-free?”

“Probably because you were aiming a gun at her son...which proves my theory about shields. Kylo won’t do anything that jeopardizes his children.”

Eldridge scoffs. “I hope you’re right. My dad doesn’t work like that,” he says, knowing he’s been live bait and that’s why he was staying at Kanjiklub. 

“Your father and Kylo are different breeds. Kylo is the kind where if you fuck with his family, he collects your head.”

“Suppose the ‘shields’ theory falls through and that’s exactly what he does when he comes to get them back.”

“He won’t. He’ll already be dead.”

“Then what do we do with the kids after?”

“Don’t worry, I’ve made some arrangements for them," she says rather cryptically but Eldridge doesn't exactly care.

“I can help, you know. I’d like to prove myself for once.”

“No, you want to be able to take credit for killing the Dyad.”

He admits it does sound promising.

“Well, I already basically got her. I could get him too.”

“You’re not.”

Eldridge huffs. “Well, I want to do something. I know I can. I could find the children. I can protect myself, I don't need the blonde murderer to do it for me!”

* * *

Phasma can tell the boy is desperate to prove himself. And if she’s honest, it would be nice to see the next generation of Hux not be as fucking useless as the last. Perhaps she should let him. Besides, that would give her more time to deal with Kira which is, if she’s honest, her main priority. Kylo is more of a means to getting paid but she will take great pleasure in eliminating Kira. 

“Very well. Did you find where they are?” Phasma asks. “Are they at the hospital with her?”

He looks back at Kylo’s phone, scrolling through message threads. “It doesn’t sound like it. I think they’re staying with their uncle or something.”

“You could find them and bring them back here?” She already knows what she's doing with them once this is over. She made the call that morning. That's how confident she was that she would succeed. And Phasma knows there's no more fitting place for Kira's children than the place she was so desperate to get out of.

“Yeah. I could,” he says confidently.

Phasma _would_ like to get rid of him and she hates how much he whines and honestly, if he stays in the city she’d be surprised if he was alive in the morning and if he gets killed then Hux may kill her for not focusing on Kylo. Even that doesn’t sway her from her focus. 

Because after all these years, to know Kira is just lying in some hospital is too tempting. And Phasma always gets out of these situations. She had it under control and if Eldridge was willing to deal with children and she didn’t have to then he should welcome that.

“Alright. Fair enough. But you’ve got to find your own ride. I’m not driving all the way to Chandrila with you.”

“You’re the one tasked to deal with my safety, why can’t I stay with you?”

“Because I fucking said so. Now tell me where to drop you off. You want to prove yourself, you figure it out yourself. I suggest you don't tell your father until you've already done it.”

* * *

Finn could tell that Ben hadn’t fallen asleep, he was just laying, facing away from them. He cooperated enough for Rose to stitch him up and tend to his smaller wounds and now she was cleaning up. He knows that Ben would like to be alone. he hasn't said a word. And maybe Finn should give him his privacy to be emotional by himself as that seems to be what the man prefers. But he doesn’t leave. And neither Poe nor Rose suggest going either. Because they know as well as he does that the person that usually holds him together isn’t here because she’s in a coma. 

And Finn knows that if Rey were here she wouldn’t dare leave him alone. Even if he doesn’t want their company, he’s gonna get it because the man looks so broken and Finn knows he should really speak what’s on his mind before he lets his rage consume him and he goes out to the next nightclub that Eldridge is baited at just so that he can kill dozens of Hux’s guards and nearly get himself killed. 

If Rey had any idea what her husband was doing, she would probably be furious. 

“You don’t all have to babysit me,” Ben says, still not facing them.

“Yes, we do,” Poe says back.

Finn hears Ben sigh and shakes his head slightly. “If you’re all not leaving then can one of you pass me my phone?”

Finn rises to go through the man’s clothes he was wearing when he came in, checking all the pockets. But he couldn’t find it. “Ben, I’m not seeing it. You sure you brought it back?”

“Of course I–” he starts but he stops himself and suddenly the man’s face pales further. “Oh, fuck. No, I fucking dropped it in the–for fuck’s sake, I’m so stupid,” he says, moving to his elbows, trying to rise and groaning as his wounded and now stitched side must pain him greatly but that doesn’t stop him. Rose and Poe rush to push him back down. 

“You have to rest, Ben,” Rose tells him. “You’re lucky things weren’t worse.”

The man looks devastated at her words as tears brim in his eyes but he furiously brushes them away as he reaches for the phone on the bedside table.

“Ben, who are you calling?”

“I need to talk to my kids.”

“Ben it’s two in the morning. You can call them in the morning. The actual morning.” Ben still tries to press the buttons to dial but Poe pulls the phone from Ben’s hands. “Ben, stop it! You call them now the way you are, you're going to scare the hell out of them!”

“They’re already scared!” Ben practically screams. “They called me hours ago, probably to say goodnight and I didn’t answer because I was in that fucking club and I dropped my phone and it’s probably at the bottom of some jacuzzi by now so I have to call them.”

“Ben, try to relax,” Finn tells him. 

“I just–” Ben chokes out but Finn sees new tears brim his eyes as he seems to bite down on his lip so hard he could draw blood. But it isn’t enough because his tears fall and that seems to be all it takes for the man to crumble as his hold on the phone goes limp and it falls to the floor. Ben covers his face with his hand but it doesn’t hide the fact that he’s sobbing. 

None of them know what to do. Finn looks to his husband but Poe just shakes his head, looking weary as they all take pity on this man so broken.

“I shouldn’t have come,” he croaks out after a long moment.

Rose opens her mouth, at a loss for words but she tries. “Ben–”

Ben cuts her off immediately. “I shouldn’t have left them! I promised her I’d always protect them. I promised _myself._ Maybe I thought that’s what this was but I’m just...I’m just making everything worse. I’m so fucking stupid.”

Finn wonders what Rey does when he gets like this. But then again, if Rey’s around, Ben probably doesn’t get like this at all. Still, Rey would know what to do. 

“Ben, it’s alright,” Finn says lamely, he only wants to help the man calm down.

“No, it’s not. I should have known. I shouldn’t have let myself get so comfortable. I should have just gotten us as far from this city as we could go but I got...too _comfortable_. I let myself think we got far enough so we could live out this dream and it was so fucking beautiful,” Ben slumps back against the pillows.

“They’re incredible,” he chuckles softly. “They’re each so different but in a way similar. They each have things that are like Rey or like me but they all have things that make them entirely their own person. I’m so proud of them and I love them so much it hurts...but no matter what, no matter how I look at it... _I fucking left them._ And that’s probably all they can think about too. So when I can't even call to say goodnight or to tell them I love them or remind them that I’m coming home...all they can think about is why I’m not there!”

Finn can tell, as well as Rose and Poe as they all glance at each other, to just let the man speak as this seems to be something he’s been keeping inside. Everything he's been holding back is now breaking him down and it's one of the saddest things Finn has ever witnessed. He's kept it welling it up within him and now, like a dam breaks, it's just flooding out. 

“Truth is, Rey fought so many of our battles. She’s the reason we survived and got out the first time. But _me,_ I just...I make things worse. I don’t know what I thought I was doing when I came here. Hux sent that crew and I knew we couldn't' just walk away but...maybe I just felt fucking angry enough to think it was the only option. I should have just stayed. I should be with them. But now I can’t just leave. Now I need to finish this and by the looks of it, make things worse and I just...I just wish that it was me. She would know what to do and–”

Ben releases a sob, cutting himself off as he tries to hide away from them. 

Finn, Poe, and Rose all still looking at each other as the man on the bed clad only in his boxers cries over his wife.

_Rey_

A dear friend of all of theirs that they’ve missed so much. To know how she and her children have been affected in such a way is devastating to all of them. But they see first hand how it affects her husband who looks like he’s being torn apart. This man has been known internationally as one of the most dangerous men alive and he just killed who knows how many of Hux's guards and yet this is what he's been reduced to. Finn wishes he knew what to do. He doesn't know what Rey would do but if Rey were here he probably wouldn't be like this in the first place.

“I don’t know what I’ll do if she dies,” Ben admits with a devastating croak.

“Ben...she’s _not_ going to die,” Finn tells him, only wanting to help him but he’s crying too now. What happened if they did lose Rey?

“I just want her to wake up,” the man cries, trembling as he repeats himself over and over. “I just want her to wake up. She _needs_ to wake up. If she doesn’t, then...she just has to wake up. She doesn't deserve this and...I just–It should have been me.”

Rose leans over to Finn. “I think he’s in shock,” she says, trying to grab the comforter bunched at the end of the bed and trying to pull it up and she points to a blanket on the side of a couch on the other side of the room that Poe gets to throw over him.

He doesn’t even seem to notice they’re trying to help him as he just tries to hide his face against the pillow.

“Ben...Ben, just relax,” Poe says. “Try to relax and get some rest. You need it, big guy. You really need it.”

Ben stops fighting them and he just seems to give in and then soon enough he gives into exhaustion as he quiets and he seems to fall asleep. Finn doesn't think he's actually slept in days.

The three of them remaining look to each other as the large man finally quiets. 

“What do we do? We need to help him,” Finn says, his heartbreaking for the Solo’s. 

Poe shrugs. “I don’t know…” he huffs, collapsing against the couch.

Rose shakes her head, “I don’t know either but I have to go,” she says, looking at her phone. She digs through her bag until she pulls out some bottles of pills. “He should take these when he wakes up and then these if he’s about to do something stupid. His stitches will tear and he’ll bleed but I imagine that’s not going to stop him.”

"Yeah, you could say that again," Poe says, looking to the giant man asleep on the bed.

"I say that you, _Poe_ ," Rose points to him, "you try and figure out where Hux is keeping his son and help him finish this quickly because I don't think he can stay another night in the city. He's a mess."

Rose was right. But Finn isn’t sure anything would really help Ben until his wife woke up.

* * *

_Rey sees the same older Ben leaning against a counter with a blank expression on his face. But then she sees the pancake on the stove behind him burning and nothing she does to get his attention obviously works._

_It’s not their kitchen, just like his bedroom wasn’t their bedroom. They must have moved. But after what happened in their house, perhaps it was too much for her family and they moved elsewhere._

_But then a young girl rushes in. She looks about fifteen or so and given her shiny black hair and little freckles on her nose, Rey sees immediately that it’s her youngest daughter._

_“Mae?” Rey breathes out, tears blurring her eyes._

_Mae can’t hear her or see her but she still rushes to move the burnt pancake off the flame. “Dad? What are you doing?”_

_The commotion pulls Ben out of his daze. “Shit, sorry, I...I wasn’t paying attention and I just...I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”_

_‘It’s okay,” Mae says. “Do you want me to make you a new one,” she says looking at the bowl of batter._

_“I was making them for you...like we used to,” Ben says, sounding distant. “Do you still want one? I won’t burn it,” he promises and his face is so vulnerable. Like making her a pancake means the world to him and he's worried he's already lost his chance by burning the first one._ _Mae doesn't look like she wants a pancake but accepts anyway, seeing how much it must mean to her father. Ben nods and it gives him a momentary purpose as he makes her a new one._

_“Your mother always ate pancakes when she was pregnant. Sometimes she’d eat them for every meal,” Ben says aloud but he almost seems to say it for himself._

_“Yeah,” Mae tries to give a smile. “And you said that’s why it’s the first solid food you gave all of us because you already knew we liked them.”_

_Ben chuckles. “Right, sorry. I probably say that every time I make these.”_

_"It's okay. I like that story," Mae says, tucking her hair behind her ear and Rey sees she's gotten newer hearing aids that are a different color now._

_Rey realizes at that moment that beside Mae, everywhere she goes, a large dog walks with her. Rey smiles, finding joy in whatever she can as she sees Ben finally got her that dog she wanted so badly._

_Ben leans down at one point to greet him but he can tell the dog wants some pancakes too. "Sorry buddy, not for you."_

_But Rey can’t look away from her daughter. She looks so beautiful. Rey beams as she sees the ends of her hair are dyed a lovely magenta color. She’s dressed quite stylishly in what makes her look quite like the older version of the artist she’s always been. Not to mention she’s got black polish on her nails and at least three piercings on each ear that don’t disrupt her implants._

_She’s a teenager. And if she’s older, Rey can’t imagine what Lydia and Theo look like but if Mae is as old as she looks though, they might be away at college. It might just be Mae and Ben now._

_And Ben, now focused with Mae in the room and wearing a smile he didn’t have when he was alone, he steps over to the table with two plates of pancakes, setting one in front of Mae._

_“Thanks, dad,” she says kindly as he sits beside her._

_He does a double-take as he looks at her again and he grins a little wider._

_“What?” she chuckles._

_“Your hair was blue last night, now it’s not.”_

_She shrugs. “I changed it. I like this color better,” she says._

_“It looks great. You’re so good at that…” Ben gestures to her hair, “the hair painting thing.”_

_Mae giggles as she starts eating. “Thanks, dad. I can do yours anytime you want.”_

_Ben laughs. “Yeah. Maybe I’d fit in a little better at Theo’s heavy metal shows if you gave me a red mohawk.”_

_Mae laughs and it’s the most beautiful sound. It’s heartwarming to see that despite his sadness, Ben still devotes himself to being the best father he can be. She hopes he knows that but she worries no one may be around to tell him that anymore._

_“Speaking of paintings, how are your real ones coming along?”_

_Mae nods as she takes a bite. “Alright, I think. My teacher says I’ll be able to showcase my stuff at the art show in a few weeks.”_

_“That’d be amazing. Like a gallery?”_

_She beams. “Yeah.”_

_Ben looks so happy. “Maybe your sister could come home that weekend to see it if she's not too busy. You know she’d love that. And you know Theo will be there for sure.”_

_Mae nods but then her smile falls. “Dad, I should tell you...the paintings I’m working on, they’re kind of actually...like, portraits.”_

_“Yeah?” Ben nods, interested. “Of who?”_

_“Of mom,” Mae says quietly._

_Ben freezes. Rey sees that sadness return for a moment and his lips fold. A face she’s seen from him many times. The face he makes when he’s trying not to cry. “Oh, that’s...I know you’re going to make her look lovely. You’ve always been so good at faces,” he says forcing a smile._

_Mae must know what that means as well as she does now because she winces. “I’m sorry. I should have said something earlier. I just...I look at pictures of her and so many of them were taken before I was born and I just like to study them. I only have so many memories of her and I wish I had more but the pictures all have stories. It’s like I get to spend time with her. ”_

_“Sweetheart, that...that sounds amazing. You don’t have to be sorry for anything,” Ben says but Rey can hear his voice wavering._

_“I don’t want you to feel like you have to go to the show if you think it’ll make you feel...sad. I know sometimes when you see pictures of her–”_

_Ben shakes his head. “No, I’ll be fine,” he says but even as he says it his eyes go glassy and his facade falls as he looks away from her._

_“Dad?”_

_“I’m sorry,” he breathes out, sniffling. “It’s just...she’d be so proud of you,” he says before his lips clamp shut and he looks away from Mae completely and stares intently at his pancakes. “Thank you for telling me. But I–I’ll be ready. I won’t miss it for anything, I promise.”_

_Mae scoots closer to him, speaking quietly. “I’m sorry, dad. I know you never stop thinking about her...but like Lydia says, mom wouldn’t want you to feel guilty. It wasn’t your fault.” Mae’s hands instinctively sign that last sentence and Rey can see she still likes to speak with her hands._

_Mae’s words seem to spear right through Ben as Rey sees his tears fall._

_“Mae...I don’t expect you to understand. Or Lydia or Theo, or anyone. It’s just different for me. I made promises to your mother. I promised her a life and safety and–and,” he stammers, trying to think of something else until he blurts out, “and pancakes...but I failed,” he cries._

_“Dad–”_

_“She gave me that. She made me feel safe and she gave me a life I wanted to live and she gave me all of you and then I just–”_

_“Dad!”_ _Mae’s voice seems to pull him out of his upset as he seems to recall who he’s speaking to and he looks almost horrified._

_“I’m sorry,” he croaks. “I shouldn’t have...I did it again,” he shakes his head at himself and Rey gathers that this must be common. She drifts closer to them, wishing she could hug them but glad they can hug each other._

_But then Mae pulls back, moving back to her seat, her hand petting the top of the dog’s head gently as he seems upset too._

_“Dad, maybe when you pick me up later we should go visit.”_

_“No, I'm okay. I know you’ve got your paintings and homework to do and–”_

_“No, I’ve been thinking about it and I know you have. I think we should go. We haven’t been in a few weeks and we should leave some fresh flowers anyway.”_

_Ben nods, his eyes still shining. “Thank you, sweetheart.”_

_And then...as suddenly as they appeared, they fade away into darkness and Rey finds herself lost once again in what feels like an endless ocean of what she can only describe as 'waiting.'_

_But Rey doesn’t want to wait anymore._

_She wants to be back where she was. She had so much more to do and see. Her children were growing up and she wasn’t going to miss that. She’s not sure if what she saw will be true or if it’s already happened or what, but she wants to make sure that she’s there for whatever comes. She wants to know what Lydia studies in college or what Theo’s music sounds like or what Mae’s paintings look like. She wants to meet that dog and learn his name._

_And maybe she made that all up. Maybe it’s not real...but her family is and they are somewhere without her. Her husband tends to torture himself over things he takes responsibility for. But he should always take credit for being an amazing father because she knows, no matter what, in whatever reality, that’s always true._

_So, having something to tell him, Rey tries to focus and figure out how the hell she gets out of this._

_"Wake up!" she shouts, recalling Ben's words from one of the last dreams she saw of him. "Wake up!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate me too. I almost didn't post this but ARRGGRGRHHHHH we have to get all this tragic shit over with so we can be happy. 
> 
> Happy ending guaranteed!!! That's a bitch's promise!!


	32. Moments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is long and honestly pretty cliché but we need it to be mushy to compensate for all the crazy bullshit happening to the babies in the present chapters.
> 
> It's so long so I already know there's a bunch of things I need to fix but I'll do it later. Just focus on the main ideas lmao. 
> 
> Imagine writing an actual book and saying that^ in the preface so no one holds me accountable for the typos and the parts that don't make sense or repeat themselves.

Lydia is twenty-three days old and Rey thinks every day is her new favorite day.

She’s exhausted, she feels odd and misshapen as her body has gone through such a change not to mention she’s producing milk and it’s odd to know her body is capable of all that.

But none of that bothers her much when she looks down and sees her baby’s face and Rey gets to see something new from her as she and Ben also try to keep up with the recurring things. 

No matter how much they studied, clearly, it’s not until the baby arrived they realized how much work they are but compared to the work they used to do, both she and Ben were loving it. 

Rey was giving Lydia a bath in the sink. Lydia seemed to really love the water and she made the sweetest little noises.

Leia returns from upstairs with some jammies for her and quite possibly their last clean diaper. 

They weren’t expecting her to go through them so quickly but she eats so much and she definitely keeps them busy. 

That’s why Ben had gone out to the store to get more diapers and knowing him he’s probably buying the whole inventory.

“All done, darling,” Rey tells the baby, taking her out of the little seat they’ve got in the sink and wrapping her in a towel. Lydia squeaks and Rey peppers kisses on her face. It’s hard to resist. “You smell so good, my love,” Rey tells her as she follows Leia into the living room where she laid out a blanket over the couch so they could dress her.

“There she is,” Leia coos as Rey lays her back and finishes drying her off. Together they start the wrangling game to dress her. They’ve quickly learned that Lydia is extremely strong when she wants to be and getting her little arms into her clothes can be quite a feat. 

But they get her all dressed and bundled up. It’s snowing again today and Rey suspects that’s driving Ben crazy as he tries to hurry home. 

And as if on cue, Rey hears the door open and she turns to see her husband walk in with three boxes of diapers and not twenty so she’s glad she at least left some for the rest of the parents in the community.

He’s got his beanie on again and he drops the boxes and his coat. “I hate people,” he says, moving to wash his hands. 

“What happened this time?” Leia asks while Rey puts a green beanie on Lydia’s head, inspired by Ben’s.

“Nothing just...assholes in the parking lot. Doesn’t matter.”

“Hey, language young man,” Leia snaps at him. “Impressionable young minds,” she points to Lydia, and Rey chuckles.

“She’s three weeks old, mom.”

“Still you gotta get in practice because before you know it her first words will be ‘assholes in the parking lot.’”

Ben rolls his eyes but Rey laughs, rising to meet him because she knows he’ll want to hold her. 

“Whatever, now I just want to hold my baby until I’m not annoyed.”

“That won’t take long,” Rey says, standing up as Ben crosses into the living room and holds his arms open. She sees him break into a smile. 

The first time he left the house was the hardest. It had been to pick up food when they were all exhausted, had no groceries, and weren’t in the mood for pizza that he braved the outside world. He explained it had been the longest twenty minutes of his life and he wouldn’t put Lydia down for hours after.

Rey suspects now will be no different but it clearly makes him feel so much better. 

Ben kisses her softly, his hands already reaching for the baby in her arms and Rey chuckles. “Alright, here you go,” she says, gently passing her over into Ben's arms. Rey thinks Lydia falls asleep faster when he holds her but Rey can’t blame her. She knows how comforting they can be. 

“Oh, look at you. Did you get a bath?” he asks the baby. “You smell so good,” he says, slowly getting situated on the couch. He kisses her cheeks just as Rey had just minutes earlier. “I missed you, baby,” he tells her and Rey moves to sit beside him. He chuckles as she leans against him. Starting to think she could take a nap. She feels Ben press a kiss against her head. “I missed you too, by the way.”

“Sure you did,” Rey teases.

“Did you miss _me_?”

“I forgot all about you.”

Ben’s shoulder bounces slightly as he laughs before adjusting Lydia in his arms. “She ready to nap?”

“She might as well be. She’ll fall asleep in your arms anyway. I’m going to go clean the kitchen and put the diapers away. Thank you for doing that.”

“Course,” he says, still looking at the baby. It’s definitely harder to get his attention now but she can’t blame him. Rey chuckles, kissing him on the cheek and then Lydia on the head. Ben catches her lips before she stands up and Rey chuckles realizing that was the kind of kiss he preferred. 

Yeah, today was her new favorite, she decides.

* * *

Ben woke up in a sweat. It had been another dream. 

Ever since Lydia was born, he’s had some bad dreams that take him back to Snoke’s office only this time Lydia was there and she’s crying and he can’t get the guards off of him to get to her.

Needless to say, it makes him uneasy, even if he knows now it’d be impossible. Because Snoke is dead.

Still, he can really only relax after he checks on her. Ben quietly rises from the bed so as not to disturb Rey. He knows how precious sleep is to her now and he would hate to wake her up when the baby wasn’t even awake.

He tiptoes from his room, across the hall to the nursery. He peers over the edge of the crib to see Lydia swaddled up and sleeping peacefully.

Ben takes a sigh of relief at the sight of her little face. He rests his hands on the edge of the railing, taking a moment just to remind himself that everything is fine, they’re safe and that’s all behind them now. Snoke, the First Order, the Boogeyman...it’s gone. 

He tells himself that over and over, convincing himself it’s true. It had to be. But even though that may all be behind him, it didn’t change the fact that up until not long ago, he was a monster. The kind of monster that Lydia would be afraid of and he fears the day when that may be true. 

Ben’s head hangs heavy, reminding himself that it all had to happen the way it did or he never would have met Rey. It doesn’t excuse all the horrible things he did but at least it helped him see who he really was and why he couldn’t continue on being the Kylo Ren that the world feared. He didn’t want to be that person anymore. And more accurately, he never did.

He’ll spend the rest of his life trying to redeem himself. 

Just then he hears footsteps in the hallway. Thinking it must be his mother, Ben spins around to hide his back as he had forgotten a shirt and he would prefer for her to not see his tattoos. She’s probably pieced it together by now and not said anything but still, he doesn't want her to see them considering what was asked of him to receive them and they are a permanent reminder of the life that still haunts him, almost literally.

But as his eyes focus in the dark, he sees Rey’s shape appear. Her hair is a mess, her eyes are mostly closed and she’s got on a fuzzy robe tucked around her but she looks amazing and Ben’s tensions bleed away.

“Was she crying?” Rey whispers.

“No,” Ben answers, “I just...wanted to check on her.”

Rey understands, stepping into him and wrapping her arms around him as she peers into the crib with him. 

“You had another dream?” she deduces quickly.

He nods.

“You worry so much.”

“I know,” he says. “I don’t know how to turn it off.”

Rey’s hands trail up and down his back and he feels himself start to breathe a little easier. “I know you don’t, love.”

Ben smiles. Rey’s little endearments were rare but he feels special when she does. Lydia’s arrival spurs them on a bit more than usual because their daughter gets them more than anyone but they sprinkle in often enough for Ben to hear them for himself. 

_Love_ was his favorite. He likes how British it makes her sound. 

And as if like that, he starts to feel better, and even though they were talking about turning off that panic, he realizes it’s all about playing sleight of hand with his brain and conscience. He just has to focus on what matters and it keeps him grounded.

And as if on cue, the little bundle in the crib starts to whine and squirm. Ben reaches for her, pulling her out of the bundle as he picks her up. “Shh, it’s okay,” he says, unable to hold back his smile as he holds her close. She’s got on that yellow onesie that looks like it may not fit her for much longer. But even when she outgrows it, he knows he’ll keep it. Not just for any future children they may have but just because it’s become something of a symbol to their freedom and their new life. 

Lydia quiets against his shoulder as Rey rubs her back and checks her diaper. “Hmm, hungry then, I think,” she deduces, still sounding tired but determined. “I’ll feed her in our room.”

Ben beams. Usually, if Rey feeds her in their room, neither of them has the energy to make another trek across the hallway so Lydia ends up staying in their room and even though the books scold them against getting into that pattern, Ben doesn’t care. He prefers to have her closer anyway.

* * *

Leia didn’t think she’d ever been this happy. 

She didn’t think she’d ever have a family again but now, looking into her living room she knows she does. 

Her son was laid out on the floor beside his wife as they cheered on the little baby on the blanket, urging her to keep her head up.

The two doctors that Leia has fallen in love with have been very vigilant in everything they need to do to keep up with Lydia. Leia could tell the middle-aged couple was as amazed by the baby as the rest of them and every time they left to return to the city they were so disappointed. Leia told them that she had some good friends that worked at Chandrila General that could help them find a way to practice medicine in a field that wasn’t as tiresome. After she learned that Cassian stitching Ben’s face-up was all in a day’s work for them, she thought they might prefer something a little more traditional for doctors and pediatricians out here. Clearly, they were qualified and quick to adapt so she’s been making some calls. She hopes by the time they come back next week she’ll give them something to think about.

But for now, she’s too caught up in laughing along with her family. Ben and Rey make fools of themselves as they cheer on the beautiful baby that was drooling on everything but proving to get stronger every day as she lifts up her chin.

Lydia.

Leia doesn’t think she’d ever get enough of her. The little being has given her a new outlook on life. Leia didn’t realize how hardened she had become, living on her own and thinking the best was behind her. But she knows now the best was yet to come.

Leia thought Lydia was an odd name choice at first. She could only think of the annoying young sister from _Pride and Prejudice_ or that goth child from _Beetlejuice_ that Leia knows Ben and Rey watched too many times. But the more she says it aloud, _Lydia,_ the more she’s convinced it’s the perfect name for her granddaughter. 

After a few minutes, Lydia seems to tire out and Ben gently picks her up to lay her on her back beneath the little mobile of things she likes to reach up for. 

Leia grabs the camera she’s gotten very good with in the past few months and starts snapping pictures. And her son, who never liked getting his picture taken, doesn’t seem to mind when the focus is his daughter.

Ben was an amazing father. 

Leia admits that came as something of a surprise although she’d never admitted it. It’s not like he had a lot of examples to follow. And that’s also not to say Han was a bad father but he just...wasn’t ready. It wasn’t until the end that he realized just how much Ben had been influenced by some of his decisions and he wanted to fix them. But even when Ben was a baby, Han regarded Ben as if he was a small alien and he’d get so confused just trying to feed him. He loved Ben. He could just be so restrained with his feelings and then sometimes would say things that Ben would take quite personally and it just seemed like nothing could help it as Ben got older and tensions rose and Han was gone longer and longer. 

Fatherhood was terrifying to Han and considering the track record of men in her family, Leia was more than concerned that once the baby arrived that Ben may start to feel that Skywalker–Solo stress settled in. 

But no.

Ben was terrified of fatherhood too, but that didn’t stop him from trying his absolute best and already at about two months in the results are undeniable. Lydia had him wrapped around her finger. 

And Rey...Rey was so naturally maternal and comforting and Lydia craves her. Rey was young and Leia knows by now that she didn’t have a family or a mother that she could recall caring for her in the way she deserved. But it’s very clear that Rey, regardless of her past, had the most powerful and true motherly instincts that made her almost magnetic to watch and her name has never seemed more fitting. 

Leia laughs, taking pictures once Ben ducks under the mobile to lay beneath it with Lydia and he pokes the soft little characters, urging Lydia to play with them and she squeaks, kicking her legs. Her gummy little smile makes them all melt.

And then, right on time, Lando walks in. He doesn't knock anymore but Leia doesn’t mind because with a baby in the house, the three of them are usually too preoccupied to answer it and they don’t want him standing out in the cold so he’s got a key.

Leia sneaks a picture of him as he strolls around the corner to surprise him. “Hey! YOu better hope you got my good side,” he chuckles, clearly intent on walking through to see the baby. 

Lando was smitten with Lydia just like the rest of them. But it’s enjoyable to see Lando fill that role. He was always excited when Ben was a baby but he and Han weren’t around as much. But Lando is almost a permanent presence in the house and Lydia knows it. She loves him too.

“Oh no, did I miss tummy time?” Lando asks in his baby voice as he heads over.

“Yeah, but you’re in time to change a diaper,” Ben says with a smirk, holding up the gurgling baby.

Lando takes her into his arms. “As if you think that’d scare me away. You’re all just cowards,” he jokes as he heads for the changing table. 

Leia snaps another photo as he walks away because there’s no way she’s going to let anyone forget it. 

Lando Calrissian was a softy and definitely trying to take her place as the better grandparent...because at this point that’s what he was and silly competitions aside, Leia wants Lydia to have the family she deserves, biological or not.

* * *

Now that Lydia is born and spring slowly comes, it’s not as freezing in the garage, and Ben, Rey, and Lando like to spend a healthy amount of time trading off turns working on the Falcon in the garage. It’s not the most constructive use of time as they usually tag team it and whoever isn’t working gets to play with the baby. Since looking after Lydia is the preferable task they take a while to get things done but soon enough they’ve got it running again and Ben, having finally traded in the miserable car they got from Hondo and tired of borrowing his mother’s car, is glad to see they’ve finally got another option in the running.

Ben already clips the other car seat into the back because he’s excited to take Lydia for a drive in it. She loved to ride in cars. It kept her busy and usually put her to sleep so Ben is looking forward to some late-night drives.

Ben had never actually driven the car. There was when he was little and he’d sit in his dad’s lap and steer or when he was thirteen and his dad let him back out of the driveway when his mom wasn’t home...but he’s never actually driven the car. He learned to drive at Luke’s school which was very trying to his patience and he nearly rammed his uncle’s car into the school itself but he knew that would only make things worse and keep him even more constrained than he already was. 

Ben gives Lando the keys, telling him he should take the test drive. They only go around the block but Lando won’t stop laughing in joy every time he revs the engine. Ben can’t help but join in as they speed around the corner. 

Ben is so excited for Rey to experience it too and nearly drags her to the car but Lydia fusses and even though Leia tries to calm her, Lydia is hungry and wants her mother so Ben’s interest in the car wanes as he assists her, bringing her what she needs as she takes Lydia to the nursery. That’s where she likes to feed her the most. Partially it’s more private than the higher traffic living room but he knows how much Rey loves the nursery. She loves the chair she sits in and cuddles Lydia in. And Ben loves to sit and watch. 

So he doesn’t think about driving the car again until later that evening when it’s late and Lydia is still awake. He wiggles his brows, suggesting they take her for a drive. 

They bundle her up and Ben secured her safely in the car seat. She whined softly, clearly tired and although Ben loves to hold her and rock her to sleep for however long it takes, he admits he’s been too excited about driving this car. He kisses her red cheeks before he goes and she coos softly as she’s snug in her seat and he wonders if she knows now they’re going for a drive. If she recognizes now the familiarity of her baby carriage. 

He moves to the front and slides in, feeling almost insignificant to take the place as he knows how much history the vehicle has and the little snippets of happy memories he shared with his father here. Small precious moments he had locked away, too focused on anger or guilt to let himself relive. 

But he can hold onto those now as he makes new ones, he thinks as he looks to his wife sitting beside him. They both smile as Lydia’s baby noises fill the air. 

Ben turns the key in the ignition and backs out of the garage. 

The snow had melted but it was still cold out. Rey ensures Lydia’s blanket is tucked around her snuggly when they’re at a stoplight. But it warms up in the car soon enough and Ben waits until they’re on a more open road to speed up a bit and both he and Rey laugh at the rush it gives when it goes fast. And then they laugh even harder when Lydia’s tired whines dissipated and exchanged for enthusiastic babbles as she seemed just as thrilled by the speed. 

“I don’t think this is making her tired. She likes it too much,” Rey chuckles when she checks on her at a stoplight. 

Ben decides that taking the car for a test drive with a sleepy baby wasn’t his best idea but the three of them enjoy it. He does try to slow down a bit as they just cruise around and admire the quiet life of the community that contrasts dramatically from the city they had practically escaped from. 

They stop by a drive-thru to grab some sundaes that Ben remembers getting when he was younger. 

“These used to be bigger,” he immediately remarks after the kid at the window handed them over. 

“You used to be smaller,” Rey laughs as she peaks into Lydia’s carrier. “She’s fast asleep,” Rey smiles as she moves to sit back in her seat as he pulls out of the parking lot. 

“Mmm, this is good,” Rey says, taking her first bite. “I can’t wait for Lydia to try real food. She’ll love ice cream I think.”

“I know. It’ll be fun to see what she likes. I can’t wait.”

Ben struggles to eat the sundae and drive at the same time. Maybe he’s paranoid as he recalls all the times his dad told him not to spill things on the seats. 

So he gives in to his fears and parks, the car facing a woodsy area of a park that was quiet and calm. Music plays softly as they sit and eat their ice cream like they’re a couple of kids even if they’ve got one of their own in the backseat. 

Rey sets hers aside and he watches as she leans back, taking a deep breath. He wonders if it’s a sigh.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“Yeah...my body just still feels weird and...ice cream probably doesn’t help,” she says with a huff.

“Rey, you’re so beau–”

“I know, I know. You tell me all the time,” she cuts him off with a chuckle. 

“I mean it though. You carried our daughter and gave birth to her. You can even feed her. That’s the most amazing thing.” 

“Thank you...really. I just feel kind of odd and not entirely like myself which I know is silly because I know it’s all proof of her and she’s worth all of it and more.”

Ben tries to understand what she says. But if he’s honest, in the near two months since Lydia’s birth, Rey had seemed to revert back to her original shape...but he doesn't know what it’s like to feel your body change so much, grow a human, push said human out, and then try to feed them while your body tries to sustain both of you but also go back to how it was before. She must feel exhausted.

Ben leans over, pressing his lips softly against hers. “I can’t imagine, sweetheart. But I hope you know how much I mean it because I really can’t get over it.”

Rey snorts and rolls her eyes as he leans over to kiss her softly. 

“She’s eight weeks old next week,” Rey whispers.

“I know,” Ben says lowly. They’ve been practically counting down to it. The books and Jyn say that after eight weeks when Rey is properly healed, they could have sex again.

Actually, Jyn didn’t say it like that but Rey mentioned it to her. Ben was eavesdropping while he changed Lydia’s diaper and the doctor gave an unamused, _“Yeah, you’ll be fine...but I recommend you start getting into a pattern of either buying condoms or birth control because you might want to space out how many babies you have.”_

_“I know,” Rey says, sounding embarrassed._

_“I’m just saying, I asked you if the two of you were using protection when you first mentioned you might be pregnant and you said ‘no’ so I’m gonna go ahead and guess the two of you have never actually practiced safe sex before.”_

Rey stammered a bit after that and Ben's cheeks blushed from the other room. Because she was right and although Lydia has made him realize they probably would want more children...they’re not going to do that _immediately._

So even though they hadn’t exactly discussed it, Ben, for the first time in his life, bought a box of condoms last time he went to the store. He also bought more diapers and baby wipes and he kept thinking that if he bought a box of condoms when he was supposed to he’d never be buying the other items he was carrying. They wouldn’t have had Lydia and although he knows now how stupid it was to not consider protection, he can’t exactly regret it now. That’s what Rey had told him too.

Ben is pulled back into the cozy space of the car when they hear Lydia sneeze in the backseat. They laugh, both of them moving to peak into the backseat to see she’s still asleep but the noise is adorable.

“Do you want to drive?” he asks Rey, knowing she wanted to. She did most of the dirty work to repair it in the first place. 

Rey nods, kissing him softly as they change seats. 

_A week later_ , after Leia goes out to dinner with some friends from work and Ben and Rey put Lydia down, they find a quiet moment to be together again. And by _a moment,_ that turned out to be about twenty minutes before Lydia started crying and they both laughed as they sat up to fetch her.

Even though it’s different than it used to be and they don’t have hours just to themselves anymore, they don't exactly mind. 

* * *

Rey is sitting in front of a big pile of pancakes that Lando had made while she sits beside Leia who has just as many pancakes in front of her. 

It was Mother’s day. A first for her and the first in many years for Leia. Lando and Ben had gone out early this morning. The two of them took Lydia with them in the Falcon and returned with flowers that littered the kitchen and proceeded to make too many pancakes. But it’s so thoughtful and although there’s no way Rey or Leia can eat all of them, she could very well try. 

Ben returns to sit back beside her after he had changed Lydia’s diaper and keeps her nestled in his arm while he eats his own.

Rey watches him with a smile as he bounces her softly when she whines. There’s something so charming about how doting he is as a father and has gone out of his way to make today special.

Lando finishes first though and opens his arms expectantly for the baby.

“I’ll walk her around a bit. We all know she likes me best,” he jokes as he lifts her up. She’s three months old now and getting bigger every day. He leans down a bit so Lydia’s face is right by hers. “Say hi to your mama, baby.”

Lydia gurgles and her mouth open, slobbering all over Rey’s cheek. Rey laughs and doesn’t even bother to wipe her cheek.

After breakfast, they gather outside and Ben tries to figure out how to set the timer on the camera but he starts growling at it and she passes him the baby so she can figure it out. 

“Okay, ten seconds!” she calls out, rushing back to stand with them where they stand in front of the pool. She slides in next to Ben and he points at the camera while he holds up Lydia.

“Smile, baby,” he tells her and Rey chuckles as Lydia just looks confused. Rey wraps her arms around him, her hand reaching to hold Lydia’s tiny hand.

The camera clicks.

They have to take another because Leia blinked and then another because Lydia sneezed and they all looked to help her but the third one is adorable. 

“This is getting printed as large as it can and framed over the mantle,” Leia says, looking at it and tearing up. “This is beautiful,” she says, putting the camera down and reaching for the baby.

Rey sees Ben’s eyes shine as he lets her have the baby but he hugs her as well, kissing the top of her head, leaning down as much as he can because she’s so short.

“Happy Mother’s Day, mom,” he says softly.

And then he steps over to her and Rey looks up at him as he brings his hands to her cheeks. 

“Lydia says; Happy Mother’s Day, by the way,” he smiles, kissing her forehead.

Rey chuckles. “Is she the one that got those flowers and the boxes of chocolate and the presents I told her _not_ to get me?”

“It’s your first Mother’s Day. She wanted to go all out.”

Rey chuckles, rising on her toes to kiss him. “Alright then. Looks like she’ll have to do the same on Father’s Day.”

* * *

Jyn and Cassian stop by once more to visit the Solo’s to check over Lydia. Every time they stay a little longer. Less for the purpose of medical matters and more because they like to play with Lydia just as much as the rest of them. 

Cassian notices how his wife cherishes this life that they never got to live. But every time they return, it’s more and more tempting to stay. To try and take a chance the way Ben and Rey did. 

So after many discussions and teary car rides home, they started to discuss if such a thing was possible. 

Jyn wants to focus on being a midwife and pediatrician. She’s become inspired by baby Lydia and they’ve both ingested so much new information to add to all they already know when it comes to medicine and first aid. 

But then Leia, Ben’s mother pulls them aside when she walks them out the last time they were there and tells them that she has some friends that work in the pediatric ward of Chandrila General that she could get them in contact with. 

They waved her off at first, but then they realized how serious she was and took her up on it. 

So that’s how they found themselves, dressed as professionally as possible sitting on chairs in the waiting room of a hospital, awaiting their interview with Dr. Kalonia.

And then before them appear what seems to be a three-year-old who wanders in front of them. His mother looks exhausted in a chair across the room and is starring at a magazine. Cassian gives him a smile. “Hey, little buddy,” he says softly and Jyn gives a smile too.

He smiles back and Jyn looks at him with a big grin. One he hasn’t seen in too long (except for when she sees Lydia). He decides they’re where they should be. Hopefully, they get to stick around. 

They deserve a future like this. 

* * *

It’s only a few weeks after Mother’s Day that Rey's birthday comes around and Ben was out of ideas of what to get her so he went scouring for ideas from his mother. Naturally, she said jewelry, and Ben was reluctant to do that again because he did that last year. However, it’s not as irrational as it was before. It doesn't get in the way as much since they aren’t working anymore. 

And he already tried getting answers from Rey and she only ever says that she has everything she needs. So she’s no help and in the end. And he decides that if he gets her more jewelry it’s going to have to outshine the bracelet he got her last year. 

So he opted for a locket.

He found Rey’s favorite picture of Lydia and then a picture of the two of them, growled at the computer, the scanner, and the printer before he got copies down to the right size. In the end, he had his mother cut them out and put the pictures inside. 

However, none of that bothers him now that it’s all done as he scoops Lydia up from her crib and takes her back to their room before he reaches for that shelf in the closet Rey can’t get to as he grabs the now wrapped present and moves back to the bed. 

Lydia coos curiously as he sits down. Instantly, Rey stirs and turns over to see them. She smiles even though her eyes are mostly closed as she tries to adjust so she’s sitting up a bit and facing them. “You two are up early.”

“We had to be,” he smiles. “It’s her mom’s birthday.”

Rey looks confused for a split second before a smile spreads across her face.

“You didn’t forget, did you?”

“No, I...well, maybe I did,” she chuckles. “I still forget sometimes I’ve got one now.”

Ben sees how Lydia is trying to chew on the corner of the small box. “Lydia got you something,” he says, pulling it from her strong little grip to pass over to Rey.

“Did she?” Rey laughs. “Always so thoughtful,” she says, leaning over to kiss Lydia’s cheeks and with the attention, she gets from her mother Lydia gives a gummy smile, kicking her legs. It momentarily distracts them both as they focus more on her than anything. But Rey focuses back on the present, unwrapping it. When the paper tears though, Lydia giggles, and although it’s not the first time they’ve heard her laugh it’s the most beautiful noise Ben has ever heard. 

“Oh, you like that?” Rey asks, crinkling the paper before ripping it again and she giggles once more. “Aww, I love when she does that,” Rey says. She seems so happy. Such a happy baby,” Rey trails off, tickling her tiny feet and she squirms in Ben’s arms.

“She is…” Ben smiles, knowing how important that was to both of them. How critical it is for their daughter, no matter how young, to be happy. Ben doesn’t know what it was like for Rey as a baby but as a toddler and small child, it’s a miracle she even survived, spending all that time on her own. It breaks his heart. But to see what an amazing mother Rey is to Lydia, it helps put him back together again. She was so instinctively good at it.

Eventually, Rey manages to finish opening the small box and it reveals the necklace that lies inside. 

“Oh, Ben, it’s beautiful,” she says softly. 

“It’s a locket,” he explains, watching her face as she opens it to see the pictures his mother helped him fit inside. 

She’s very quiet but he can tell she likes it. Maybe too much because she sniffles, admiring it as tears spill down her cheeks. 

He didn’t want to upset her. “Rey–”

“I love it,” she says quickly. “I love it, Ben.”

She takes it out of the box. He passes Lydia over so he can help her put it on as he locks the clasp on the nape of her neck although his eyes flicker to the top of the brand he can see from the collar of his shirt she wears to bed. He tries not to think about it too much. He tries not to think about how the day she got that brand was almost an exact year to the day before their daughter was born. He tries not to think that he nearly lost her that day in Snoke’s office. Or how many other times when something went wrong on jobs or when Crimson Dawn was out for their asses. He tries to pretend like they could have met in the most mundane of places and that she’s only crying because she loves it and not because she’s probably thinking of everything that came before too.

Because it’s hard to understand how much these quiet moments and little things mean when they used to live in so much fear that they would never get to experience them.

There’s a lump in his throat as she turns to look at him once it’s on and he sees it settle low on her sternum but mostly how Rey hugs Lydia close. And although the baby is alright, his wife cries softly. His own tears spill over too and he scoots closer, pulling them both into his arms. 

“It’s okay,” he whispers, “We’re here. We made it, sweetheart.”

She nods. “I know we did...we got so lucky, Ben.”

He kisses her temple. “We did. We _are._ ”

Lydia seems to pick up on their suddenly somber mood and whines a bit and they pull back a bit to look at her, trying to cheer her up by ripping more of the paper. 

By the time she’s preoccupied with the long red ribbon, Rey looks down, admiring the locket again as she opens it and sees the pictures he chose. 

“It’s so strange. It’s only been a year since my last birthday and yet it feels like a lifetime all at once.”

“I know,” he says, peaking at the pictures himself. The one of Lydia when she was two months old and the corners of her mouth perked up, giving them one of her first smiles. He then looks to the little girl herself and beams. “Everything’s changed.”

“We hadn’t even kissed a year ago,” she says.

“I tried to,” he insists, recalling how those goddamn fireworks went off in the park and he jolted away from her on that bench with his heart pounding as he realized what he had almost done. He doesn't know what his former self would know what to make of it if he told him that a year from now he’d call Rey his wife and they’d be living at his mother’s house with their infant daughter. He probably would have short-circuited.

Rey just chuckles, leaning forward to kiss him now. “I know you did. I wanted you to,” she says, glancing down at Lydia to make sure she wasn’t eating paper. “I knew for sure I loved you that night. I finally admitted it to myself and I couldn’t deny it any longer.”  
“Really?” he hadn’t known that.

“Yeah...how could I not have, though? You called off work to celebrate my birthday and you sang to be in a park.”

He chuckles, the tracks of his tears were gone for now. “I wanted the first one we celebrated to be special,” he tells her, reaching to run his thumb past the locket. It suits her, he thinks. Although he certain Lydia will try to yank on it so she may not be able to wear it all the time. 

“I had no idea, by the way. I was so oblivious. And all the time I thought I was being so _obvious_.”

“About loving me?” She asks. 

He nods. “I was a mess. You couldn’t tell?”

She laughs. “There were moments when you acted oddly but I always chalked it up to you just being...well, _you_.”

He snorts, realizing that was fair. He knows she saw sides to him even in the beginning he never showed anyone. He must have seemed such a conundrum. He still is probably. 

“So, when did you know?” She asks next. “That you loved me?”

Ben remembers it so vividly. It struck him like a train to the chest as he understood it for what it was while they sat on that couch in Spain. 

“The night we shared our real names,” he answers softly. 

Rey’s eyes blare wide. “In Spain? When you showed me your tattoos?” She asks incredulously. 

“And you showed me your brand,” he nods. “You asked me to call your Rey and I told you my name was Ben,” he melts thinking back on it now even though it had been terrifying at the time of his revelation. 

“Ben, that was...you mean _all that time,_ you were in love with me?”

She seems surprised. 

He shrugs. “Of course.” How could he not have been? Although he remembers he tried to get himself to snap out of it. But it was no use. “By the time we were back in New York and...you learned about your parents and I told you about my father, I…” he swallows recalling that morning and how he clung to her as he sobbed. It was the first time he had openly said it all aloud to someone. It had been so much. “I had already told myself that no matter what Snoke asks of me, I’d never hurt you. I loved you so much. I guess I’m not surprised I let it slip out the way it did in Rome. It was eating me alive.”

Rey brings a hand to his face. “Is that why you were so grumpy when we got there?”

Ben actually growls. “Everyone was staring at you, I got jealous and scared and…I don’t know, vulnerable I guess.”

“‘Everyone?’”

“Yes, ‘everyone,’” he insists. “I fought off two other guys just trying to get to you on that dance floor,” he exaggerates. 

Rey laughs. “I’d have done the same,” she tells him as she leans forward to kiss him softly. 

But their attention wanes as Lydia slobbers on the ribbon. 

They stay like that for a long time, cuddling on the bed and playing with her until they hear his mother walk down the hallway and knock on the already open door. 

“Are we spending the birthday in bed?” she asks them.

“We’re just–” Ben points to the baby to prove they weren’t doing anything.

Leia claps her hands. The thing she does that means to say, _Get a move on._

“Lando made reservations for all of us for brunch and then we’re watching the baby tonight.”

“You are?” Ben asks. They hadn’t discussed that. 

Leia leans over to scoop the baby from them. “I’ll go get her dressed. You two think about what you want to do this evening.”

They both watch her leave before they look at each other with a smirk.

Little did his mother know they can’t stay away long because after an evening out they were all too ready to return to the baby. They went out to dinner. Nothing too fancy as they’re still wary of more high-profile places but they still had a good time. They drove to the coast and looked at the water. They nearly moved to the backseat, pulling at their clothes but they forgot about the baby’s seat obstructing the way so they stayed at the front. But they ended up just talking about Lydia and all they loved about her and they even teared up as they both decided they missed her and wanted to go home even if it had only been two hours. 

Leia told them they were hopeless as she handed them the baby and they spent the remainder of Rey’s birthday on the floor of Lydia’s nursery playing with little toys. 

* * *

Leia watches the little family as they sit in the pool. Lydia giggles when she splashes the water. Ben holds her tight as he sits on the steps. Leia hasn’t used the pool in so long but she has to snap a few pictures as they glide her a bit in the water. 

Lydia’s got the cutest swimsuit that Leia found at one of the shops and a little hat that Rey fixes when it falls past her eyes. 

Ben wears a shirt as he stands in the water and Leia knows why. She must think she hasn’t noticed by now the tattoos that illustrate his back and upper arms but she knows well enough by now that they’re there. And she knows he doesn’t want to talk about them with her. So he keeps them covered and Leia doesn't plan on bringing it up. She knows it has something to do with his former career.

And she’s seen well enough by now the odd marking close to the base of Rey’s neck. She doesn’t seem as worried about it being sighted as Ben seems to be about his tattoos. But Leia still tries to avoid focusing on it as she takes pictures. 

Leia watches fondly though as they start to play a game when Ben dips below the water and Rey asks Lydia, “Where’s daddy? Where’d he go?”

Lydia looks confused to her mother before Ben surfaces beside the baby’s face and surprises her. Lydia erupts into a fit of laughter, spurring them to do it over and over again. 

But soon enough, it seems to tire her out as she slumps her cheek against Rey’s shoulder, still smiling but her laughs aren’t as energetic the more Ben surfaces from the water.

“I’m going to dry her off and let her lay down. I think she needs a nap,” Rey says, rising from the water and heading inside. Ben rises out of the water to follow but Leia tries to stop him before he heads inside. 

“Ben?”

“Yeah?” he asks, trying to pull his sleeves down over his biceps as he turns to her and she pretends not to notice. 

“I wanted you to know, I spoke to a friend of mine about you and Rey.”

“What?” he asks quietly, sounding concerned. 

Leia chuckles. She shouldn't have phrased it like that. “No, don’t worry. Nothing critical. But you know my friend Amilyn?”

He nods, moving to sit in the chair beside her. 

“Well, she runs a publishing company. Very prestigious.”

“Okay,” Ben says, sounding confused.

“And I know that you and Rye have a lot of money that you have to be careful with now that you have no income. And I know you two won’t want to live here forever so I was thinking, more for a formality than anything, it would be reasonable for you to get some jobs that would start to bridge some of those gaps so you can balance your life out here more.”

“Rey and I aren’t publishers and I doubt that what we would have on our resumes are considered noteworthy to someone like Amilyn.”

“Well, think critically. You both speak numerous languages and are very kind and professional. More importantly, Amilyn will employ you both as a favor to me because although I haven’t told her all the gritty details, she knows you two come from complicated pasts but is willing to overlook some things to get you two in a position that ensures people don’t go asking questions to you or Rey about where you get your money or what you do for a living without either one of you have some sort of crisis of what to say.”

Ben chews on this for a moment.

“She’s willing to pay us for high position jobs we aren’t qualified for?”

“Well, it all depends what happens but she’s willing to employ you. I don’t know how much that would pay at first.”

“Rey and I aren’t really in need of funds. We’ve got...millions,” he whispers. “We’re just afraid to use it. It’s all tied up in the bank, tied to our old names.”

“This could help expedite the process of sorting all that,” Leia explains, that being her point. 

She hears Ben sigh. “If she’s stationed in the city, Rey and I won’t do it.”

“She explained you could work from home. I knew you wouldn’t want to risk that.”

“And I wouldn’t even really want us employed under our real names. There were a handful of people that did know our names and I won’t risk–”

“Whatever works. Amilyn is aware of the city's darker tendencies. She’s an old friend. She wants to help.”

Ben nods. “I’ll talk to Rey about it.”

“Sounds good.”

“Thanks, mom. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to.”

* * *

Rey knew Ben had something to discuss because Leia gives him a knowing look before they left for their walk with Lydia bundled in her stroller. They meandered over to the park in the neighborhood. They move to sit on a bench while Ben gently rolls the stroller back and forth so Lydia gets the illusion that they’re still moving because she’s more even-tempered that way. 

It’s then that Rey forges through all the nonsense he’s stalling with and asks him right out. “What do you want to ask me?”

His mouth opens before it closes again. “I’m not subtle, am I?”

“Nope,” she says, chuckling softly. 

He smiles, leaning back further against the bench, his eyes glancing inside the carrier of the stroller to see Lydia’s sleeping face squished against the little pillow supports. 

“My mom said her friend Amilyn could get us jobs.”

Rey was not expecting that. 

“Amilyn? Doesn't she work for a publishing company?”

“She owns it.”

“So...what would we even be?” Rey asks, confused. 

Ben shakes his head. “My mom says we’d have to talk to her to know what we would do. For the most part, it would probably be in title. She’s agreed to give us something so that we could at least try to figure out how to sort out what we do with our money still sitting on our accounts. And we could do everything from home. We wouldn’t have to go into the city.”

Rey thinks it sounds too good to be true. She wonders if Amilyn owes Leia some sort of life debt because this was probably the biggest favor imaginable. 

“And you want to do it,” Rey says because she knows he wouldn’t phrase it so gently unless he thought it was a good idea. Again, he wasn't subtle. 

“I think it’s something to consider,” he says. “As nice as staying in my old room is...I’d like to buy us a house of our own someday,” he shrugs, trying to look casual and it’s a sign that she knows how important this is to him. And it’s important to her too. She’d love that. A home of their own. 

“It sounds lovely,” she says, leaning on his shoulder. “What do we do?”

“Mom says Amilyn can meet us soon if we agree to it. We probably have to do some form of work. To play along at least but maybe we’ll end up enjoying it.”  
Rey is almost self-conscious. Academics were prioritized at Dathomir only after combat. She liked reading and literature more than the other subjects but she’s not sure that means she’s cut out for that. “I’d feel guilty. People work their whole lives to get in positions like that. I’d hate to fill someone’s seat just because someone is doing us a favor.”

“I feel the same way. But I don’t think that’s what it is. It’s just...maybe some smart arranging. I doubt we’d even get paid. It’s not like we need it. We just need some sort of cover so we can find a way to access our money.”

Rey nods. They’ve been living almost entirely off Leia and the small hoards of cash they had with them at the time they fled. The many millions they had accumulated for all the wrong reasons still belonged to them and although Rey feels questionable about that, and it’s more money than they’d ever need, they just needed enough to get started, and then she wanted to do right by all they had. To not only provide for their family but to also a bigger future and for those who were in need of money. She knows the reality of the world and that no matter what there was always a child, _a person,_ somewhere, gone hungry. 

“Well, we should try it out. No harm in speaking with her,” Rey finally says.

“I agree.”

“And,” she smiles, “I like the idea of getting our own house.”

“Me too.”

“Ben, I…” she stalls for a moment, looking at Lydia in the stroller. Her face squished and so precious as she snoozes. “I want another baby.”

So maybe she had her own things she wanted to talk to him about and this has been on her mind since she first saw Lydia. She knew she’d want more and that desire hasn’t faded. 

Ben sits up a little straighter on the bench. “I do too,” he breathes out after a long moment. “I’ve been thinking about it too.”

“But I think we should relocate before we commit to that.”

He smiles, squeezing her hand. “So...we get jobs, _possibly fake ones_...we buy a place of our own, we settle in, and then we could…” he trails off, wanting her to finish.

She chuckles, her eyes shining with tears, shining with the promise of a future she never could have expected just a year ago. “Yes...yes, then I want to try again.”

Ben gives an enchanted sort of look before he leans forward and kisses her. “I can’t wait,” he says softly. “Rey, I want that so bad. I feel lucky enough already but we could...we could really build a beautiful life here. It could be everything we always wanted,” he says, croaking a little. 

Rey brings her hands to his face, nearly forgetting where they were until she hears someone walking past. They both sniffle and try to look casual until they realize the person walking past is slowing to speak with them. Ben’s hands have a death grip on the stroller.

But Rey sees it’s just a middle-aged woman out for a power walk in her alumni sweatshirt. But Ben never lets his guard down. 

“Aww, is this your baby?” the woman asks.

Rey wants to chuckle. _Of course, it was their baby._ Ben places a hand over Lydia’s middle as if to keep the woman from reaching out for her. 

Rey actually does chuckle then to ease the tension. “Yes, she is.”

The woman doesn’t pick up on anything remotely tense though as she just smiles. “Aww, well she’s beautiful.”

Rey watches Ben relax slightly. “Thank you,” he says.

She carries on and they both smirk before peering back in to look at the baby. At Lydia. 

“She is...she’s so beautiful.”

“Yeah, and well behaved,” Ben smiles. “She’s basically advertising how perfect more babies would be if they were just like her.”

Rey laughs. She won’t argue with that logic.

* * *

Ben sits on a chair while he is trying to feed Lydia in the high chair. 

He makes funny noises and tries to mimic the actions for her to copy by opening his own mouth as wide as he can. 

“Ahh,” he holds the little spoon to her lips. “Like me, ahh.”

Lydia opens up and he beams. “Good job. So good. Very yummy.”

Ben says a lot of words now he never imagined would come out of his mouth. 

Words like _bubby, blankie, poopy, ouchie, num num,_ and of course, _yummy._

Rey went to the store to stock up on some things. His mom was at work and Lando was busy today so it’s just him and Lydia and if Ben’s honest, he loves these moments. He loves when he gets these moments alone with his daughter and he can make as big a fool of himself as he wants and no one will make fun of him. 

“Ahh,” he does again, trying to get her to open her mouth. “Ahh, yes, good job. You like the gross banana mush, don’t you?” he asks in a light voice. 

“Bah gee ha ma nom,” she babbles and Ben chuckles.

“Yes, I know,” he agrees with her. “But wait until you try pancakes. When your teeth come in a bit more I’ll make you as many pancakes as you want.”

“Gaaaah,” she smiles, the banana mush spilling down her chin and he tries to salvage it.

“Yes, I will,” he promises. 

Just then he can hear his phone ringing from the counter and he reaches for it. He expects it to be Rey but then he sees who it is and he sits up a bit straighter, clearing his throat so that the voice he uses with Lydia wasn’t present. 

“Hello?” he answers normally.

“Hello, Ben. it’s me, Amilyn.”

He tries to sound surprised. “Oh, Amilyn, how are you? So good to hear from you again.” He asks, trying to mimic how Rey sounds when she makes polite conversation even though he’s half focused on feeding Lydia.

“Oh. I’m doing well. I wanted to call and get in touch. I know it’s been a long wait but after pulling some strings, I think we can figure something out.”

His chest inflates, “That’s...that’s great news,” Ben doesn’t even know what to say. He wishes Rey were here to answer. She’s better at expressing gratitude. But this means so much, he is going to try his best. “I can’t thank you enough. This means a lot to us, you can’t imagine.”

“Well, your mother is very good at expressing how critical this all is and I admit I’ve got a lifetime of favors owed to her as well. This isn’t nearly as big as some of the asks I’ve come to her for,” Amilyn chuckles. 

“Well, it’s a big deal to my wife and me. She’s more eloquent than I am so I’m sure when you hear from her you’ll realize just how much this means because I’m not doing a good job at it,” he chuckles. He wipes the yellow mush off Lydia’s cheek. “But that’s amazing, truly. This is such a big help.”

“Well, I’m so happy for you two and I’m so excited to work with you both. We can play around with what work entails but it’ll be exciting. At least for me. You and Rey will start to realize it must be a little boring considering where you’ve come from.”

So maybe his mother was more honest than she let on when it came to their careers and what she revealed to Amilyn. But at this point, he can’t be mad.

“We’ll love whatever it is. Thank you again.”

“Of course. I’ll be in touch.”

“Alright, goodbye...thank you.”

She laughs. “Of course. Bye, Ben.”

He hangs up the phone and practically tosses it on the table as he reaches for the baby and lifts her out of her chair and holds her up to his face. 

“Lydia, do you know what this means?”

She babbles as she kicks her legs.

It means it’s all working out,” he tells her, hugging her close and kissing her chubby cheeks, tasting the traces of banana. 

He wipes her face off and bounces her lightly while he cleans up with one hand. When he hears the engine of the Falcon pull up. Ben moves to meet Rey in the garage. 

He tells her Amilyn’s plan came through and she beams, dropping the bag she was holding to wrap her arms around them.

Ben holds his family close, knowing the promise of it getting bigger was clearer than ever and although he’s got more than he ever deserved, now he knows how beautiful this could be and they were going to do it all. 

* * *

Rey sits to the side while Jyn looks over Lydia on a blanket in the living room. She’s getting so big and Rey didn’t realize how quickly that would happen but she’s now outgrowing things so quickly and it’s almost difficult to keep up.

But Jyn is all too pleased by her progress.

“Beautiful. As always, Miss Lydia. The best patient I’ve ever had,” Jyn says, tickling her belly.

Lydia giggled, kicking her feet. 

“Well, she’s the fastest crawler you’ve ever seen,” Rey tells her with a smirk. “Roll her over,” Rey says and Jyn does just that. Rey crouches down further and tickles her chin. She coos and Rey points across the room to where Ben is speaking with Cassian on the couch. “Go to daddy, baby.”

Ben must hear her because he waves to her and moves to slump on the floor and Cassian laughs. Cassian had known Ben for about ten years now and to see him transform from a ruthless killer who hardly relented from glaring to the now compassionate father who, no matter the circumstances, would play on the floor at the drop of a hat. 

Lydia races across the room. She stumbles slightly but rises back to her arms and continues forward. She’s smiling so wide that drool floods down her shine but that doesn’t stop Ben from scooping her up and pulling her close as soon as she’s in reach. Everyone laughs in amusement as Ben points back to Rey and lines her up for Lydia to see. “Go back to mommy.”

Lydia makes the trek back and Rey holds her close. Jyn smiles as she looks at the small girl. 

“So strong, isn’t she?” the doctor asks. “At this rate, she may be walking in just a few months.”

Walking...Rey couldn’t believe it. She’s not sure she’s even ready for that. As much as she likes to watch Lydia grow, she wants it to last. Because she loves her baby being so small. But she knows no matter what size Lydia is, Rey is going to love her. She’s just being silly.

Jyn and Cassian don’t pack up as quickly this time and linger a bit to the point where they ask if they want to stay for dinner. They accept and they sit around the table. Ben and Rey sit on either side of Lydia’s high chair, watching closely as she chews on the tiny snacks she likes. 

Her hair is getting longer and Rey is so excited for the day it gets long enough to play with. She can already tell her hair is going to be like Ben’s even if it’s a shade or so lighter. Rey runs her fingers past it now and Lydia coos when she brushes over her ears and Rey chuckles. Ben did that sometimes too. 

“Thank you so much for keeping us for dinner,” Cassian says to the whole table and it quiets as they all look at him. He holds Jyn’s hand tightly as she nods and encourages him to continue. “We wanted to be with all of you when we told you that, we’re slowly going to be leaving the city. Chandrila General is in the process of hiring us.”

The whole room congratulates them and Rey can’t help but stand up and step over to hug them both. “I’m so happy for you both. This is so exciting.” She feels Ben and Leia join in over her shoulders and Lydia coos curiously, watching them all hold each other. 

“Thank you,” Jyn says. “We never would have had the chance if it weren’t for Leia’s recommendation to Dr. Kalonia.”

Rey chuckles. “She can get anyone hired anywhere, it seems.”

“I’ve got connections. What can I say?” the older woman says with a smirk.

They all return to their seats, this now the main topic of discussion. Jyn says how she’ll be focusing on midwifery at first but she’d like to focus a lot on specializing in the health of newborns. And Rey knows that’s all to do with Lydia. Cassian says he’s going to be busy in the emergency room but after the hectic life of working as the on-call doctor for every known assassin in New York and just about everywhere else for the past who knows how long, Rey thinks the emergency room may be pretty tame. 

She can see how excited they are and Rey can’t believe it’s real. They were all starting new chapters of their lives and things seemed so hopeful. 

It was beautiful.

“So, where are you guys going to live?” Ben asks because he’s become too obsessed with real estate lately. 

“We don’t know yet. But we were looking into some of the estates across town. We figured with the chance to stay in one place for a while, we might splurge on a forever home.”

“ _Forever home_ ,” Ben repeats needlessly but he smiles and Rey chuckles. He’s starting to _really_ like houses. But all the ones they’ve looked at just haven’t felt right. But Rey thinks that's more to do with Ben than the houses but she wouldn't dare say anything. And it was cute to see him make pro and con lists for houses.

Secretly, Rey knows no matter where they live it’s going to be perfect but she knows Ben is looking for something special. 

And she can’t blame him. 

* * *

It’s only the middle of the day when the storm makes the power go out. 

It’s just the three of them at home. This morning it had only been sprinkling but then it started to really pour and then the thunder got really intense. The fall weather was a nice change for Ben who always liked the rain. He knows Rey likes it too.

But they can’t yet say the same for baby Lydia who didn’t like the occasional and increasing sounds of thunder. It actually frightened Lydia as she was confused and terrified of what it could be. They held her close and told her it was alright. Every time she calmed down though, the thunder would rumble again and she’d whimper and cling to them. 

They quickly realized they’d need to devote their day to distracting her and making her focus on different things as well as they could until the storm passed and the power came back. So they traveled down to the basement with every blanket in the house and proceeded to make a fort that was small enough to be cozy but big enough to fit Ben. 

They all bundle close and every time he and Rey hear the beginnings of thunder they start clapping and being loud in their own way to cover the sound of the storm. 

It seems to trick her well enough where she hasn’t cried in a while and now Lydia was more focused on the little games. 

Ben hides the stuffed monkey under his shirt and Lydia looks around all confused, wondering where it could have gone.

She babbles to herself as Rey tries to help her. “Where’d it go, baby?”

“Mmmnnnggghh ahhh,” she says.

Ben smiles, unable to pretend any longer as he pulls out the toy to her and tickles her sides as she fumbles between them on the blankets. She giggles as she grabs hold of it.

“See, daddy had it all along,” Rey tells her.

Lydia smiles, “Dada.”

Ben freezes, thinking he might have heard her wrong. He quickly looks to Rey to see if she heard it too and her eyes are wide and she’s smiling wide before her eyes start to shine with tears. “Ben…” she breathes out.

Ben glances back down to the baby to see she’s chewing and slobbering on the stuffed monkey, unaware of how much she’s just affected her parents. He feels like he’s melting as he looks at her... _His daughter._ She’s just called him by the name only she can call him. 

His throat tightens and he realizes he’s tearing up too.

Rey chuckles at him. She scoops up the baby and passes her into his arms that couldn’t move on their own but he holds her close now. He kisses the top of her head, her soft dark hair smelling sweet. He never wants to forget this moment. It was more perfect than he’d ever deserved, but he wants to commit it all to memory.

Lydia seems confused at his sudden change in mood, wanting to play again. So he lets her wiggle away but he holds her cheeks as she looks up at him. “Hi, baby,” he breathes out, his chest feeling so tight.

Rey reaches over the baby to reach for him and he chuckles but he can feel how tears race down his cheeks. “I...I never–”

“I know,” she says softly, brushing his tears away before kissing him gently. “Don’t tell yourself you don’t deserve it, love.”

He chuckles because she might as well have read his mind but she’s right. He doesn't want any feelings of guilt or regret to pull away from the euphoria of now. 

Lydia sits between them, squeaking at her toy and wondering why her parents got so quiet. They watch her reverently, wondering if she’d say it again but if she did Ben may pass out. 

He realizes, truly for the first time that Lydia will grow up calling him by a title he used to call someone else. And although that breaks him, it also helps put him back together again as he vows to focus his time on being the best father he can be. He knows there are no second chances and he’s going to give it everything he can.

And if a day comes where Lydia turns away from him, in a way he had done to his own father, he would have no one to blame but himself. 

He doubts that no matter how big she gets, he would ever let this moment stray too far from his mind whenever she calls him, _Dad._

* * *

That night, after the storm has calmed, Ben watches over Lydia with a full heart and still teary eyes as she sleeps in her crib. Rey had gotten tired and gone to bed and he told her he’d be right there but he’s pretty sure he’s been standing here long enough that she’s already asleep.

He can’t seem to pull away though. He keeps thinking of what she said.

 _Dada._

His heart overflows, astounded that someone so small was capable of so much. 

He would never turn away from her or abandon her. He never wants her to feel alone. And more than anything else...he doesn’t want her to know what he ever was. Because how could she love him then?

But even if the day comes where she hates him...it won’t change the fact that he would do anything for her. He only hopes he gets a chance to prove to her that the person he was is long gone now. So he will work every day to show her that above all else he is her dad. That’s who he is before anything else.

“I love you,” he breathes out. “I never want you to doubt that...even if you one day find it hard to love me back, nothing will change how I feel.”

She makes soft little noises as she moves slightly and he adjusts the blankets on her.

“I know you can’t hear me and even if you could you wouldn't understand. But I’ll tell you every day. I’ll tell you as many times as I have to so you know just how much I mean it.”

He reaches for her hand and her fingers close around his finger even as she sleeps. It’s a reflex more than anything but it’s the closest they come to holding hands. 

Ben’s heart lurches in his chest as his tears spill over once more. 

“I’m here for you always, sweetheart.”

* * *

The new year feels fresh and filled with hope in the sunny morning as the three of them rode in the Falcon en route to a showing in a neighborhood with a house they had been looking at online. Cassian had actually sent him the listing because it was on the same street of the house he and Jyn just bought a house on.

Rey had seen the pictures Ben had shown her on the computer. He’s been quite invested in the research and as much as he seems to enjoy it, Rey has noticed his tastes are quite _particular_ and he has an impossible list of requirements that live up to the size, space, and safety he’s looking for. 

But he was quite interested in this house and had shown her the few pictures that were available multiple times. She immediately thought it was a little excessive. A little odd and quite modern looking. Not quite like some of the more traditional places they’ve seen previously.

But she was willing to look at it. 

However, then they pull up to the gate and as it slowly opens, revealing the extensive driveway that leads up to the house upon the little hill, surrounded by the massive property, covered in a thin layer of freshly fallen snow. Her jaw actually drops as she sees it for herself and although, yes, it’s a little excessive...upon first glance she quite likes it. She’s never seen anything quite like it before. It was odd to think it had the potential to be their house. That she could have this view daily. But then again she hasn’t even been inside yet. 

They hop out and Rey moves to shake hands with the realtor while Ben takes Lydia out of the car and holds her close, high on his hip instead of moving to grab the stroller in the trunk. 

Ben comes to stand beside her. Lydia has on a beanie to match her father only hers has ears to resemble a bear.

Ben offers his hand to shake in introduction as well but the realtor must overlook Ben to focus more on the baby.

“Oh, how sweet is she?” the realtor gushes. “What’s her name?”

“This is Lydia,” Rey says proudly.

“She’s gorgeous.”

“Thank you,” Ben says in his deep voice.

“Well, I have to say that although the house looks a little contemporary, the buyers are hopeful to sell to a young family. It was part of the intent of the remodel.”

“The remodel?” Rey asks, curious about the history of the house that looks new to her. 

The woman tells them the house was built in the seventies but remodeled entirely within the past year and put on the market a few weeks ago. 

The woman walks them through the entryway and Rey remembers Ben’s advice to look passive. She gets too excited and smiles too big. But Ben is good at schooling his expression but she knows he’s had to buy apartments before so he’s more experienced than she is with this and with an investment this huge she follows his advice. Although it is amusing to see him trying to look intimidating, it’s an amusing contrast to the curious little face beside his as she plays with the collar of his shirt. Rey wonders if he knows his strategy isn’t as effective this way. He just looks cute. 

Rey wanders through the house, amazed at the size of it. And the brightness of it as well. It feels so open and inviting. Growing up in a cramped dorm with six other girls in the old Dathomir building was such a contrast to this.

She loves it. She knows she does. It’s bigger than Leia’s house and do they even need this much space, no...but it's lovely. 

The realtor’s phone rings and she steps outside to answer it so Rey tries to catch ben’s attention as he inspects everything. She even caught him pulling on the bars of the staircase railing to see if it was as sturdy as he preferred. 

“What do you think?”

“I think you love it,” he says with a smirk.

Rey chuckles. “Yeah, but I want to know if you love it.”

“I like it. _A lot._ But I...I think there's too many windows,” he says, scowling at the glass. 

“Windows that look out on the closed property with no neighbors to peak in...not to mention we could get some blinds.”

He smirks, shaking his head. “There’s a lot of sharp corners.”

“Nothing baby proofing can’t handle,” Rey justifies. He smirks and Rey holds out her arms so that he passes Lydia to her. “Not to mention it’s got five bedrooms. I’d consider that more than enough space to grow.”

“I don’t know. After ten children this place may feel almost cramped,” he jokes.

Rey smacks him lightly on the arm and he laughs at her expense while she rolls her eyes. They definitely were not having ten children unless he was planning on carrying and delivering half of them. 

“Kidding, kidding,” he says with his hands up in surrender.

“Daddy isn’t funny,” Rey says, trying to keep from smiling as she speaks to Lydia only, strolling away as she heads back over towards the windows in question that look out on the property. She loves this view. She can only imagine how green it will look in the spring.

And even though she was definitely not having ten children, she knows they would fit here...hypothetically.

* * *

Ben watches fondly as Rey moves around the space with Lydia in her arms. Perhaps she was right. He was being too judgemental. But it was harder to notice before. Now, the potential of it being home is all he can see as he watches his wife and daughter admire it. They look so natural here.

She sets Lydia down to stand between her feet as Rey holds to her hands. Lydia is still a little wobbly on her feet but he knows it’s any day now she takes her first steps.

And if he’s honest...he loves this house too. He was half teasing Rey and half too worried about safety concerns for the baby but...honestly, every house has those. And he and Rey hardly let her out of their sight and he knew they would dedicate a ridiculous amount of time and energy baby proofing the house as she said. And as worried as he is about security, it does seem...secure. And he could easily see how he could customize the specifications to what he prefers.

It made sense.

His mind is made up as he watches Rey help guide Lydia along as they step together before Rey scoops her up and heads for the stairs. “We’re gonna go look at the rooms.”

Ben stops her, grabbing her arm until she looks up at him. 

“I think this is it,” he tells her almost breathlessly.

Her lips split into a grin as she takes his meaning. “Yeah? You like it?”

He nods. “I do...I think this could be home.”

Her eyes shine. “Me too.”

“So...yes?” he double checks. 

Rey beams. “Yeah...home.”

He swoops forward to kiss her. Lydia babbles as she paws at their conjoined faces until he pulls away with a chuckle. “You like it too, Lyds?”

“Gee,” she smiles.

“‘Gee,’” he laughs. “I’ll go tell the realtor that.” Ben kisses Lydia on top of her funny bear beanie before he steps back outside to where the realtor is just hanging up the phone. She looks surprised to see him. He can see how she looks at his scar again before glancing at her phone and he realizes without Lydia in his arms she’s not sure where to look at him. But he doesn’t take it personally. The scar doesn’t bother him anymore.

“So Mr. Solo, how do you like the house? Isn’t it so–”

“We’ll take it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one got toooo loooonnnnggg but I told myself I was going to try to show little moments from the first (almost) year of Lydia's life while they were going through new things and changes. Obviously, I'd love to include every little thing in this chapter but tbh it's already so long and we still have plenty of other flashback fluffy chapters to look forward to so I hope you liked this one and the little snippets I decided to choose.
> 
> This is a mess btw and nothing is based upon real-life, just pure fanfiction solutions. I don't know what the hiring process is like for doctors that probably have questionable references and I doubt that Ben and Rey could actually get fake hired so they could use their own money but...fanfiction¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> EDIT: We are now over 200k words at the 32nd chapter which means I am at least 150k words and 12 chapters over what I promised myself this fic would be sooooo

**Author's Note:**

> [ totally unnecessary playlist that I didn't need to make but I did bc it helps with the MOOD!!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1LrvsBZYz9Bfzn5mKr1YYR?si=62RjdMCnR9a0DKdViVUp2g)


End file.
